To Tears 'n back
When a man can't cry and falls to tears, you know the fear has won. There are so few things that will make me swell like so, and feel so full, for once, of something--even as this unhappiness rises--it's something. I feel as if swimming in them. They're so cold against my eyes. They're relentless against me. I can't help but let them flow.
I listened to the music of my life play by at work today. I couldn't help but think of all these things I've done, all the things I could have done and all the chances I have had and weep inside for all that I fear I could ever do. I try so hard to be simply good enough. I try so hard to rid myself of all that eats me alive. I don't even care about happiness any more. I just want to feel like I'm something good enough--pure enough.
All I want is to have a life away from all the angst, and hurt, and lies, and heartache that this world has shown. I am trying so hard. I try so hard. I can't hold them back any more. I don't know why, but out they've come. I suppose it's to teach me better. I suppose it's only the start.
The thing is, I never feel I had a chance. I never feel like I have something to protect -- something to give - something to care about. I feel so thrown into all of it, and I don't know why. I don't know what this all is for. Why am I too so damned? My heart weighs so heavy? Is it just as black? My eyes are just deep under the tides of despair. I don't want to look back. There’s no point. I have no days so fresh in my mind when once I was something better. I have no memories of when I once had something pure and held something precious. I'm just as alone, but I've always been.
I know somehow deep inside of me, that for all I've tried to be someone, to be at all, that one day I will find myself on the stairs and shouting into the heavens. I can only hope someone will better see in my eyes the fear and know how to stop the tears themselves. I feel like I have failed, and where I haven't the tears can only hold me over until I do.
This isn't about any one thing. It's not about a job, or a girl, or a love, or a life. This is about soul, and heart, and being. This is about when we should be celebrating all life's greatness, and instead we see the greatest horrors in the world. This is about when we should be smiling, and instead we are screaming at ourselves back from the reflections of our falling tears.
All I've ever want is to stop myself from being this un-being in a world I've yet to know. I just want to live. I just want to love. I just want to feel important for once. I just want to feel I am needed. Every day I wake to a world of anguish and fear that if you only knew, you wouldn't be able to bare. None know tears like these. I barely do know myself. I barely bear them any more because I've shed them more than the clouds do rain.
None sees my sorrow when we all watch the angels cry. No joy lost in my dark heart could matter when the heavens weep. I'm just a lonely deprived rose wilting in the waters. The weeds have won, and I have let them win for trying. I wilt because I am.
Phew!!! Pchh... That was heavy... I need a break!!! Its 8.15 and I’m going to cook... ciao.
I listened to the music of my life play by at work today. I couldn't help but think of all these things I've done, all the things I could have done and all the chances I have had and weep inside for all that I fear I could ever do. I try so hard to be simply good enough. I try so hard to rid myself of all that eats me alive. I don't even care about happiness any more. I just want to feel like I'm something good enough--pure enough.
All I want is to have a life away from all the angst, and hurt, and lies, and heartache that this world has shown. I am trying so hard. I try so hard. I can't hold them back any more. I don't know why, but out they've come. I suppose it's to teach me better. I suppose it's only the start.
The thing is, I never feel I had a chance. I never feel like I have something to protect -- something to give - something to care about. I feel so thrown into all of it, and I don't know why. I don't know what this all is for. Why am I too so damned? My heart weighs so heavy? Is it just as black? My eyes are just deep under the tides of despair. I don't want to look back. There’s no point. I have no days so fresh in my mind when once I was something better. I have no memories of when I once had something pure and held something precious. I'm just as alone, but I've always been.
I know somehow deep inside of me, that for all I've tried to be someone, to be at all, that one day I will find myself on the stairs and shouting into the heavens. I can only hope someone will better see in my eyes the fear and know how to stop the tears themselves. I feel like I have failed, and where I haven't the tears can only hold me over until I do.
This isn't about any one thing. It's not about a job, or a girl, or a love, or a life. This is about soul, and heart, and being. This is about when we should be celebrating all life's greatness, and instead we see the greatest horrors in the world. This is about when we should be smiling, and instead we are screaming at ourselves back from the reflections of our falling tears.
All I've ever want is to stop myself from being this un-being in a world I've yet to know. I just want to live. I just want to love. I just want to feel important for once. I just want to feel I am needed. Every day I wake to a world of anguish and fear that if you only knew, you wouldn't be able to bare. None know tears like these. I barely do know myself. I barely bear them any more because I've shed them more than the clouds do rain.
None sees my sorrow when we all watch the angels cry. No joy lost in my dark heart could matter when the heavens weep. I'm just a lonely deprived rose wilting in the waters. The weeds have won, and I have let them win for trying. I wilt because I am.
Phew!!! Pchh... That was heavy... I need a break!!! Its 8.15 and I’m going to cook... ciao.