Still I Rise...
Tonight I will talk about sacrifice.
I want to know that the things I gave my life to... and my love to
were not in vain.
I will separate this discussion into 3 parts: Time, Love, and Money
Just for the record I'm over my utopian ideal of time as an illusion.
This was a thing of my youth. The reality is...
We live in a free market economy where Time, among other things, is a commodity.
It's a particularly important commodity to me because almost all the things I enjoy and appreciate require social seclusion on my part.
(i.e. writing, art, playing music, learning, etc...)
Now let me first say that the room for appreciation in your heart grows out of need (supply from demand). When our needs are not being met, it forces us to re-evaluate our own personal enterprises... possibly redistribute our resources... and henceforth make changes to the means of production.
When I wasn't working... I had much time for personal growth but lacked the funds to make the necessary purchases to sustain myself. Here I valued money more than time. But now that I am working myself to death and have sufficient funds... I feel that my soul is suffocating with almost no means of personal expression or progression. What good is money when you have no time to spend it... or friends to spend it with?
Or here's the real question... What good is anything when you haven't your health?
There are 5 major players in every decision (probably more I have not considered). They are efficiency, profitability, sustainability, quality of life, and equity.
So we see that life is a balance... a series of decisions made based upon what we value most. We all value time. We all value money. It is a personal choice, which facets of your life you will sacrifice to accomplish others.
And it is ALWAYS a sacrifice.
I used to say (when debating if medical school was right for me) that I believed any human being could accomplish anything they wanted to with their lives
contingent upon one thing: what they were and were not willing to sacrifice.
Sometimes there is no nobility or righteousness in picking one thing over the other.
Most things can be justified by their cause.
Love is an altogether different story. My father's best friend for the past thirty years was a Bulgarian guy named Kiro. Kiro valued money. He had girlfriends but never married or had children because he considered them to be too much of a monetary commitment. He worked and he worked... and he worked.
And I remember him saying when I was a kid, he would retire in Vegas.
That was the epitome of his American dream.
He retired at age 55 and moved to Las Vegas, Nevada. We received notice 1 year later that he had committed suicide. He lost his life savings. He simply was not willing to start over in life. He put a knife through his heart and died at 56 with no wife, no children... no legacy at all.
I lived enough to know how much I value love. I started my own neo-bohemian revolution at age 18 with the start of this journal... in search of what love means. I've devoted most of my life to its study. If I am weak... it's because love has made me weak.
If I am strong... it's because Love has made me strong.
There are no rules for this. I believe life teaches you what you value in time. When you are between a rock and a hard place and have no one left to turn to... who you are and what you believe in will come to the surface.
So I will say no more.
I was sitting on my bed tonight after watching a two hour history channel special on science and government and remembered it's my cousin Michelle's birthday tomorrow. I haven't talked to her in almost nine months.
I picked up the phone to call her and the memories of this past summer started to flood my mind. I normally stop myself from feeling sorry for myself because it's unproductive... and it enforces unforgiveness, which is like poison to me. I have made myself a very forgetful girl in order that I be a forgiving woman. But I never really resolved anything. I left New York a bloody mess... and left a trail all the way down here... where I came to heal from the madness.
If I could, I would retell the stories that lead me to speak the words I have spoken. I would give a name to every betrayal and every person whose lied to me, cheated me.. and used me. But this would be unproductive and in my eyes slightly childish.
I bring it up because the people I speak of, I have sacrificed myself for the most. I have given all my resources... to the point where I had none left... for my roommate Lejla... my cousin... my sister... my friends. I cashed in my sanity to love Joe... my self-respect to love Nick... and my faith to love my father. I gave them my time... my prayers... my respect... my encouragement... my money... my love... MY FUCKING ALL!!! I gave these people the best of me.
And every single one of them turned around and lied about me... to me... ruined my reputation... and caused me to suffer a great loss on their account without even lending a hand to pick up the pieces.
I want to know... WAS IT WORTH IT? Was I worth it to them? They are all a loss to me. People that have never and will never contribute to any positive way in my life. So why have I so foolishly handed myself over as a pawn in an economy where I am only the supply and never allowed to demand?
In a series of cost-benefit analyses I did on my life recently, I realize that I spend (not just money) 400% of what I make.
Who controls the means of production? I am asking you.
I have asked this question so many times over the course of my life that I am sick of asking it. Has my sacrifice returned void? Basically, was it worth it?
Well was it? I don't know. Some days I think yes... because I learned how valuable certain things were... and for future reference I know what not to invest.
But other days... no. I think it was a waste.
I don't know if me paying the price for things has helped them out at all.
I don't even really know if they were aware of the cost.
***The opportunity cost of an activity is the value of the next-best alternative that must be forgone to undertake the activity.***
I think about all the times I took care of my father when he was overdosing... I think about all the bullshit he's put me through in my life. No heat... no socks to put on my feet... sitting in a cold empty apartment... alone. Thinking he was dead...Visiting him in jail... in his car where he lived. At his girlfriends’ house when I knew she was really a prostitute... walking the streets of buffalo trying to find him at a crack house. I think about hiding in the closet watching him beat my mother listening to the baby cry... praying to God to get me out of that house.
I think about that night they called me to tell me my sister tried to kill herself the first time... and holding her in my arms the second time. What was worse were the guys she slept with and the reputation it gave me forever for being her sister. I think these things were peanuts compared to the betrayal that would come later. Finding out the guy I was supposed to marry was sleeping with my best friend...
There are 3 primary types of economic structure. They are defined by 4 questions.
What should we produce?
How Much should we produce?
How should we produce it?
Who gets the product?
A traditional economy would say... we'll produce what we've always produced... only as much as we need... we'll do it how we've always done it.. and give it to someone who deserves it (or keep it for ourselves)
A Market economy would say... we'll produce whatever brings us the most profit... as much as we can of it. We'll find the most cost effective way to make it... and of course, sell it to whoever pays us the most.
A Command economy answers all four questions the same.
"A central authority will answer this question."
Like it or not, we've all instituted one of these systems into our life, finances and social authority. You are your own commodity and are well able to decide how to spend yourself. I have the equivalent of emotional credit card debt right now and have placed sanctions on my borrowers until further notice.
I will call Michelle tomorrow for her birthday and I will speak nothing of the offense. But I will not, in the future, allow such transactions to take place.
I do learn from my mistakes.
I am living my life with a new attitude. You are important to me but I am precious to myself. And although it is my desire to see you prosper, it can no longer be on my expense account.
MY LOVE (toward myself) IS NOT IN VAIN.
"You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.”
I want to know that the things I gave my life to... and my love to
were not in vain.
I will separate this discussion into 3 parts: Time, Love, and Money
Just for the record I'm over my utopian ideal of time as an illusion.
This was a thing of my youth. The reality is...
We live in a free market economy where Time, among other things, is a commodity.
It's a particularly important commodity to me because almost all the things I enjoy and appreciate require social seclusion on my part.
(i.e. writing, art, playing music, learning, etc...)
Now let me first say that the room for appreciation in your heart grows out of need (supply from demand). When our needs are not being met, it forces us to re-evaluate our own personal enterprises... possibly redistribute our resources... and henceforth make changes to the means of production.
When I wasn't working... I had much time for personal growth but lacked the funds to make the necessary purchases to sustain myself. Here I valued money more than time. But now that I am working myself to death and have sufficient funds... I feel that my soul is suffocating with almost no means of personal expression or progression. What good is money when you have no time to spend it... or friends to spend it with?
Or here's the real question... What good is anything when you haven't your health?
There are 5 major players in every decision (probably more I have not considered). They are efficiency, profitability, sustainability, quality of life, and equity.
So we see that life is a balance... a series of decisions made based upon what we value most. We all value time. We all value money. It is a personal choice, which facets of your life you will sacrifice to accomplish others.
And it is ALWAYS a sacrifice.
I used to say (when debating if medical school was right for me) that I believed any human being could accomplish anything they wanted to with their lives
contingent upon one thing: what they were and were not willing to sacrifice.
Sometimes there is no nobility or righteousness in picking one thing over the other.
Most things can be justified by their cause.
Love is an altogether different story. My father's best friend for the past thirty years was a Bulgarian guy named Kiro. Kiro valued money. He had girlfriends but never married or had children because he considered them to be too much of a monetary commitment. He worked and he worked... and he worked.
And I remember him saying when I was a kid, he would retire in Vegas.
That was the epitome of his American dream.
He retired at age 55 and moved to Las Vegas, Nevada. We received notice 1 year later that he had committed suicide. He lost his life savings. He simply was not willing to start over in life. He put a knife through his heart and died at 56 with no wife, no children... no legacy at all.
I lived enough to know how much I value love. I started my own neo-bohemian revolution at age 18 with the start of this journal... in search of what love means. I've devoted most of my life to its study. If I am weak... it's because love has made me weak.
If I am strong... it's because Love has made me strong.
There are no rules for this. I believe life teaches you what you value in time. When you are between a rock and a hard place and have no one left to turn to... who you are and what you believe in will come to the surface.
So I will say no more.
I was sitting on my bed tonight after watching a two hour history channel special on science and government and remembered it's my cousin Michelle's birthday tomorrow. I haven't talked to her in almost nine months.
I picked up the phone to call her and the memories of this past summer started to flood my mind. I normally stop myself from feeling sorry for myself because it's unproductive... and it enforces unforgiveness, which is like poison to me. I have made myself a very forgetful girl in order that I be a forgiving woman. But I never really resolved anything. I left New York a bloody mess... and left a trail all the way down here... where I came to heal from the madness.
If I could, I would retell the stories that lead me to speak the words I have spoken. I would give a name to every betrayal and every person whose lied to me, cheated me.. and used me. But this would be unproductive and in my eyes slightly childish.
I bring it up because the people I speak of, I have sacrificed myself for the most. I have given all my resources... to the point where I had none left... for my roommate Lejla... my cousin... my sister... my friends. I cashed in my sanity to love Joe... my self-respect to love Nick... and my faith to love my father. I gave them my time... my prayers... my respect... my encouragement... my money... my love... MY FUCKING ALL!!! I gave these people the best of me.
And every single one of them turned around and lied about me... to me... ruined my reputation... and caused me to suffer a great loss on their account without even lending a hand to pick up the pieces.
I want to know... WAS IT WORTH IT? Was I worth it to them? They are all a loss to me. People that have never and will never contribute to any positive way in my life. So why have I so foolishly handed myself over as a pawn in an economy where I am only the supply and never allowed to demand?
In a series of cost-benefit analyses I did on my life recently, I realize that I spend (not just money) 400% of what I make.
Who controls the means of production? I am asking you.
I have asked this question so many times over the course of my life that I am sick of asking it. Has my sacrifice returned void? Basically, was it worth it?
Well was it? I don't know. Some days I think yes... because I learned how valuable certain things were... and for future reference I know what not to invest.
But other days... no. I think it was a waste.
I don't know if me paying the price for things has helped them out at all.
I don't even really know if they were aware of the cost.
***The opportunity cost of an activity is the value of the next-best alternative that must be forgone to undertake the activity.***
I think about all the times I took care of my father when he was overdosing... I think about all the bullshit he's put me through in my life. No heat... no socks to put on my feet... sitting in a cold empty apartment... alone. Thinking he was dead...Visiting him in jail... in his car where he lived. At his girlfriends’ house when I knew she was really a prostitute... walking the streets of buffalo trying to find him at a crack house. I think about hiding in the closet watching him beat my mother listening to the baby cry... praying to God to get me out of that house.
I think about that night they called me to tell me my sister tried to kill herself the first time... and holding her in my arms the second time. What was worse were the guys she slept with and the reputation it gave me forever for being her sister. I think these things were peanuts compared to the betrayal that would come later. Finding out the guy I was supposed to marry was sleeping with my best friend...
There are 3 primary types of economic structure. They are defined by 4 questions.
What should we produce?
How Much should we produce?
How should we produce it?
Who gets the product?
A traditional economy would say... we'll produce what we've always produced... only as much as we need... we'll do it how we've always done it.. and give it to someone who deserves it (or keep it for ourselves)
A Market economy would say... we'll produce whatever brings us the most profit... as much as we can of it. We'll find the most cost effective way to make it... and of course, sell it to whoever pays us the most.
A Command economy answers all four questions the same.
"A central authority will answer this question."
Like it or not, we've all instituted one of these systems into our life, finances and social authority. You are your own commodity and are well able to decide how to spend yourself. I have the equivalent of emotional credit card debt right now and have placed sanctions on my borrowers until further notice.
I will call Michelle tomorrow for her birthday and I will speak nothing of the offense. But I will not, in the future, allow such transactions to take place.
I do learn from my mistakes.
I am living my life with a new attitude. You are important to me but I am precious to myself. And although it is my desire to see you prosper, it can no longer be on my expense account.
MY LOVE (toward myself) IS NOT IN VAIN.
"You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.”