No Day but Today...
I can't believe this semester's almost over. I stray from calling things success by there natural defintion because life is a rather strange mixture of failure turned inside out. But it has been, in more ways than one, successful.
The person I was when I left New York and the person I am right now don't even recognize eachother. Maybe it's better to be a small fish in a big ocean than to be a big fish in a small pond, as my grandfather used to say. Success is growth, it's change, it's new perspective, it's healthy relationships but it is fueled by rumination, old perspective, and unhealthy relationships. We are continually being pulled apart by the progression of opposites. They create direction and define movement in our lives. For example, We only know freedom because there is law and we only know hope because there is fear.
It really depends on my finals but so far I have A's in all my classes. It doesn't mean as much as I thought it would. But I am glad for it.
So how is success measured? I ask myself certain questions often. Have I gotten better at loving people, despite their flaws? This is contingent almost always on another certain question. Have I gotten any better at loving myself, despite my flaws? Have I learned to forgive and not to re-enact the offense everyday?
Have I learned not to make idols of the opinions of men?
Or most importantly, if I have not, can I live with myself the way that I am?
Right now? Today?
"how DO you measure, a year in the life?"
Moving here has given me a more global perspective on economy and society. I am realizing all the things I used to make myself a slave to are really just the imposed ideals of a society that I never questioned. So I spend my days questioning. In fact, I spend more time researching global trends and consumption than I do on schoolwork. I have a theory that where consumption abounds, there is the heart of the people.
Why does religion attach itself so, to politics? Or is it politics, looking for a moral ideal, that attaches itself to religion? Why is there a war going on in this country, that divides the two right down the middle?
Why is activism always associated with liberalism... atheism; and complacency with conservatism, with republicanism...christianity? Isn't the very nature of christianity, activism? Maybe in it's ideal state (which i'm still trying to figure out if exists) but in reality, the nature of religion is oppression.
These are rhetorical questions, btw.
Your only voice, when you feel the world is unfair, is through politics. We are all fighting for our unjustices in different ways, i suppose.
The heart does not easily forget.
My neighbor taught me how to meditate. It has really taught me how to have peace; how to shut off my thoughts, for even 15 minutes and listen to what God would say to me. He's atheist but you can take meditation in any direction you choose. It is the most relief i've had since I've been down here, from the pain. I wake up in the middle of the night, almost every night, when the drugs have warn off, in a state of panic. It's like my mind is too fragile and the pain is too unbearable and it feels like I'm having a heart attack. I used to just lay there and cry until the medicine kicked in again but now I turn on this music, light a candle and be still. I have learned to elevate my mind above the pain. It's like I take myself somewhere else, far from me.
"The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last"
-another day
The person I was when I left New York and the person I am right now don't even recognize eachother. Maybe it's better to be a small fish in a big ocean than to be a big fish in a small pond, as my grandfather used to say. Success is growth, it's change, it's new perspective, it's healthy relationships but it is fueled by rumination, old perspective, and unhealthy relationships. We are continually being pulled apart by the progression of opposites. They create direction and define movement in our lives. For example, We only know freedom because there is law and we only know hope because there is fear.
It really depends on my finals but so far I have A's in all my classes. It doesn't mean as much as I thought it would. But I am glad for it.
So how is success measured? I ask myself certain questions often. Have I gotten better at loving people, despite their flaws? This is contingent almost always on another certain question. Have I gotten any better at loving myself, despite my flaws? Have I learned to forgive and not to re-enact the offense everyday?
Have I learned not to make idols of the opinions of men?
Or most importantly, if I have not, can I live with myself the way that I am?
Right now? Today?
"how DO you measure, a year in the life?"
Moving here has given me a more global perspective on economy and society. I am realizing all the things I used to make myself a slave to are really just the imposed ideals of a society that I never questioned. So I spend my days questioning. In fact, I spend more time researching global trends and consumption than I do on schoolwork. I have a theory that where consumption abounds, there is the heart of the people.
Why does religion attach itself so, to politics? Or is it politics, looking for a moral ideal, that attaches itself to religion? Why is there a war going on in this country, that divides the two right down the middle?
Why is activism always associated with liberalism... atheism; and complacency with conservatism, with republicanism...christianity? Isn't the very nature of christianity, activism? Maybe in it's ideal state (which i'm still trying to figure out if exists) but in reality, the nature of religion is oppression.
These are rhetorical questions, btw.
Your only voice, when you feel the world is unfair, is through politics. We are all fighting for our unjustices in different ways, i suppose.
The heart does not easily forget.
My neighbor taught me how to meditate. It has really taught me how to have peace; how to shut off my thoughts, for even 15 minutes and listen to what God would say to me. He's atheist but you can take meditation in any direction you choose. It is the most relief i've had since I've been down here, from the pain. I wake up in the middle of the night, almost every night, when the drugs have warn off, in a state of panic. It's like my mind is too fragile and the pain is too unbearable and it feels like I'm having a heart attack. I used to just lay there and cry until the medicine kicked in again but now I turn on this music, light a candle and be still. I have learned to elevate my mind above the pain. It's like I take myself somewhere else, far from me.
"The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last"
-another day