And theres one thing i can do nothing about
My hands are so cold (bloody for all those iceucreamu 1234 fans) that they actually look skinny! hahahha. If only that worked on your whole body. And yeah....."let's get it on" is like the sexiest mood music ever....too bad neels not reading this right now, hes missing out on an important piece of teh info. Muahahhahaha.
So im at mum's right now. We're the only ones here as mum, tristan and glen are out but mum wants someone to be home cos glen is at a partay. Is it really depressing when your 16 year old brother is having more of a social life than you. Not that i really mind, work is completly draining and depressing at the moment and we are trying so hard to get all of our crap sorted in our place that i have things to keep me occupied. Once its all sorted then we can start having people over and having parties. Though im totally scared of the QUIETEST NEIGHBOURS IN THE WORLD complaining about the sound...
I going car looking tomorrow. Im hoping if i get a car i will hurry up and get my licence. There is some deep rooted reason for my complete laziness and lack of motivation im sure. That is why im reading two dr phil books at once. One because im a fat ass and the other because i totally lack direction and life motivation. Oh self help god!
Ive had this small niggling feeling of emptiness lately. I had a really bad day at work on thursday and was so emo and sad and all i could do was wonder around the city on my own thinking how much everyone around me smelt....lol...like really smelt. I have no idea what was going on there. Maybe my nose had a virus and was all rah everything you smell will be bad! I think i miss my dad. Which is completely weird and all but yeah.......i do. Yeah, it comes from nowhere. Theres just some things i really need his help and guidance on...and hes not there. I just get really sick of always having people not there in my life.....its stupid anyways.
Im trying so hard to make myself a better person and to make myself happy. Ive been so internally unhappy for so long. More than i care to remember, i hope it wont be like this forever. I want that dead inside feeling to go away. The one that comes when youre on your own and theres no sound except the sound of your own voice and thoughts. They are such lonely sounds and thoughts. Ones i could never ever let myself get so vulnerable to express. Sometimes i just want someone to hug me and just let it all go for once....if i could let anyone else get close enough. I dont know why i do it but i do. I rant and complain about people and why i dont have friends but in all honesty i am the reason why i dont have friends. Even katy, who knows more than a lot of people, i sometimes feel so clamped up and know what i should say and what i want to say and i just shut down. And with people i see at gigs or whatever, ill let them get about as close as "yeah im fine, how are you?" What a hopeless case.
Today for the first time i was the real me. The giggly, happy, childish cute one that runs around doing gymnastics routines as she goes to the fax machine and the one whos funny and sarcastic and dirty.......and the one who doesnt really care....and do you know the only reason i was like that was because i had 2 glasses of wine at the pub for lunch. It felt so good...like i was letting out the person i felt compelled to lock up.....and it saddens me thats what it took for me to relax enough and let my walls down. And the fact that only people at work where there to see it....not the people outside of work that i really want to let in.
Hmmm....well thats it for me i think. Thank god i only come over to mums once a week. Imagine all the emotional garbage i could vomit on you every day?!?!?!??!
So im at mum's right now. We're the only ones here as mum, tristan and glen are out but mum wants someone to be home cos glen is at a partay. Is it really depressing when your 16 year old brother is having more of a social life than you. Not that i really mind, work is completly draining and depressing at the moment and we are trying so hard to get all of our crap sorted in our place that i have things to keep me occupied. Once its all sorted then we can start having people over and having parties. Though im totally scared of the QUIETEST NEIGHBOURS IN THE WORLD complaining about the sound...
I going car looking tomorrow. Im hoping if i get a car i will hurry up and get my licence. There is some deep rooted reason for my complete laziness and lack of motivation im sure. That is why im reading two dr phil books at once. One because im a fat ass and the other because i totally lack direction and life motivation. Oh self help god!
Ive had this small niggling feeling of emptiness lately. I had a really bad day at work on thursday and was so emo and sad and all i could do was wonder around the city on my own thinking how much everyone around me smelt....lol...like really smelt. I have no idea what was going on there. Maybe my nose had a virus and was all rah everything you smell will be bad! I think i miss my dad. Which is completely weird and all but yeah.......i do. Yeah, it comes from nowhere. Theres just some things i really need his help and guidance on...and hes not there. I just get really sick of always having people not there in my life.....its stupid anyways.
Im trying so hard to make myself a better person and to make myself happy. Ive been so internally unhappy for so long. More than i care to remember, i hope it wont be like this forever. I want that dead inside feeling to go away. The one that comes when youre on your own and theres no sound except the sound of your own voice and thoughts. They are such lonely sounds and thoughts. Ones i could never ever let myself get so vulnerable to express. Sometimes i just want someone to hug me and just let it all go for once....if i could let anyone else get close enough. I dont know why i do it but i do. I rant and complain about people and why i dont have friends but in all honesty i am the reason why i dont have friends. Even katy, who knows more than a lot of people, i sometimes feel so clamped up and know what i should say and what i want to say and i just shut down. And with people i see at gigs or whatever, ill let them get about as close as "yeah im fine, how are you?" What a hopeless case.
Today for the first time i was the real me. The giggly, happy, childish cute one that runs around doing gymnastics routines as she goes to the fax machine and the one whos funny and sarcastic and dirty.......and the one who doesnt really care....and do you know the only reason i was like that was because i had 2 glasses of wine at the pub for lunch. It felt so good...like i was letting out the person i felt compelled to lock up.....and it saddens me thats what it took for me to relax enough and let my walls down. And the fact that only people at work where there to see it....not the people outside of work that i really want to let in.
Hmmm....well thats it for me i think. Thank god i only come over to mums once a week. Imagine all the emotional garbage i could vomit on you every day?!?!?!??!