Failure, success, and mediocrity
August is notorious for being a month of great anxiety for me. There's always something big happening or just around the corner. Probably because it's the end of the summer, near the beginning of another school year, etc.
This time, it's because I'm finishing my Master's thesis. It's been this plague in my mind for such a long time - and, in fact, a big reason why I haven't updated my LJ in a long time. It's been dragging on. For one reason or another. A lot of it having to do with my own procrastination and my own tendencies to want to run away from it - instead of just biting the bullet and getting it done and out of the way.
If anything, this Master's program has made me much more aware of my weaknesses. Some of them are relatively easy to fix, such as my need to better manage my time and my need for better self-discipline on following long-term timelines. But, others, I suspect are a deeper part of my psyche. I have this weird tendency to run away from things. I give up on myself too easily, sometimes. And, there are so many times during which I choose to run away from my responsibilities and imperfections, instead of confronting them and conquering them (or, in some cases, taking a defeat). I have a fear of failure. And, ironically, it has resulted in mediocre performance. Instead of taking risks, accepting failure, and undergoing process of failure analysis, I have survived merely by punting - avoiding failure for the time being, but also dragging on a really stupid trajectory of shame, fear, and marginally adequate performance.
It's a horrible way to live. And, to be honest, part of me hasn't updated this thing because of a lingering shame about all of this. But, hopefully, the lessons learned from this will serve to help me live a better life - if I'm prudent enough to make good use of all this misery. That will be far more valuable to my life, I think, than this Master's degree from McGill.