Christmastime reflections
I love my family here in Connecticut. They are all so wonderful, and I always find it such a shame that I did not get to grow up with them during my childhood and that I only now having this chance to see them. Funny how life works like that.
I feel like I've had a lot on my mind; yet, I always manage to blank out on it and never get to actually spill it all into the LJ. le sigh...
The paradigm of family is always pretty weird to me. I have become so accustomed to being this single college student who only worries about taking care of himself. I study, I party, I eat, and I sleep. That's pretty much what my life boils down to. Quite sad, eh? I have definitely fallen astray from this whole responsible 23-year-old man that I was supposed to become at some point in my life. I can't even manage to take very good care of my own body, for god's sake! It's pathetic! I feel like I've become little more than this silly young fag who thinks nothing but the immediate short-term - what club to get drunk in, which hot guy to make out with, which of my overdue projects I need to work on the next evening, etc. Whatever happened to the ambitious, responsible Mike George who set goals for himself and actually followed through on them?
Being a grad student has sorta become this excuse to myself for being lazy and directionless. And, lots of other supposedly intelligent grad students seem to fall into this trap. Why has academia become this way to remain lazy and sedentary for another few years?
Removing myself from the whole McGill/Montreal bubble is a very good thing for me. The city has a way of corrupting me. I don't know what it is. It's kind of a sort of Vegas thing. Whatever happens in Montreal stays in Montreal. Now I know why all these East Coast teenagers flock up to the city to commit and escape from their sins...
Gawwwwd... I am 23. Why does it still feel like I act like a 19-year-old??? I should be getting a job, getting married, having kids, buying a house, and all that stuff now, shouldn't I? I mean, Lady Gaga is only a few days younger than me, and has already made her imprint on the universe. When will I finally break out and fulfill my destiny - instead of just continuing to wish and tell myself "in just a few more years, Mikey"?
I am distracted by too many things. I have lost the ability to shut myself off from the noise of the outside world and focus on things. I used to love the feeling of pain. The feeling of my muscles aching as I fight with myself to finish swimming the last several laps of a set. The feeling of muscle fatigue during lifting. Putting my body through all of this was so empowering. It made everything else - homework, office work, chores - seem so easy by comparison. Nothing was impossible. If I could survive kicking my ass during a nice workout, the rest of the world was easily conquerable. I need to get this sense of invincibility back. I need to convince myself again that there is nothing in this world capable of stopping me from kicking my ass and making myself stronger the next day than the last. Because, after all, in the words of the wise Ayn Rand, "it's not a question of who is going to let me; it's a question of who is going to stop me." More often than not, it is my own mind and my own lingering doubts that stop me. It's time to get over them. Not by an inspirational rant in this LJ. But, from the sweet taste of my own blood, sweat, and tears burning my eyes and filling my mouth. I need to kick some ass - and remind myself of how much fun it actually is, in the end.