American Idol - The Finals - 5/24/11
Carrie Underwood - age 8. David Cook - age 10. Audition shots of Scotty and Lauren, who are just slightly older than that. Scotty at age 8, Lauren at 10. Seacrest dressed as Michael Buffer. Let the manipulation begin!
Enter the judges, who I have grown to hate this year. Steven Tyler has killed an entire zoo to make the printed shirt he has on, J Lo is waiting for shift at Medieval Times to end, and Randy Jackson is wearing my grandmother's couch, and missing his top hat.
Audience shots of the top 12, and OH MY GOSH! David Archuleta. 7000 are here tonight for Nashville Star tonight's finale, and they're the youngest ever! Enter the finalists...Scotty in a Wal-Mart T-shirt, and Lauren in seventeen layers of upscale Oakland Raider fan gear. Oh, but wait: Lauren has vocal issues. Dr. George Constanza, dressed in black scrubs, says she blew out a vocal cord, but they've treated her with Ritalin, Nyquil, and Red Bull, so she should be OK.
Six songs by these two? Someone get me the No-Doz. The first round is the contestant's favorite song of the year, followed by "Idols' Choice", where the personal idols of Scotty and Lauren will choose (I envision Scotty singing "It's Howdy Doody Time"), and the last round is the "first single", chosen by Jimmy Iovine. No word as to when Will.I.Ever.Leave shows up.
Scotty won the coin toss, but let Lauren choose who would sing first? Anybody else not buying this crap? You ALWAYS take the pimp spot if you can. Remember, Scotty was never in the bottom three. Never. Think they're afraid of a blowout in the voting? Because unless Lauren has been hiding a lot more than Twinkie wrappers this year. this has Jordin/Blake written all over it.
Scotty enters through the audience with Montgomery Gentry's "Gone", which is definitely a smart choice - it showcases the little range he has without going into an octave he can't reach. It's also probably the only time he's going to move more than a few inches on stage all night. This feels a lot like last week, with Haley's Led Zeppelin song leading off, though...it gives everyone fifty minutes to forget about what may be the best performance of the night. And if you're a Scotty fan (and I'm not), this is as good as he can get when up tempo. He finishes with an imaginary swing of the baseball bat, going for a home run, and showing warning track power.
No judges' commentary? More shenanigans afoot. Did Nigel forget to write their notes while working on the premiere of SYTYCD? Hmm.
Lauren follows with "Flat on the Floor"...she strives for attitude with the hip shaking, head tossing performance. She's not pushing for volume, but the notes are mostly there, although her voice is noticeably thinning out towards the end of the song. Anyone else notice this: When J Lo starts to rock out, she IMMEDIATELY stops any time the camera comes her way? Every. Single. Time. It's a decent job by Lauren, but Scotty clearly ruled round one.
Judges? No? OK, let's move on to the second round of "The Coronation of Queen Lauren."
Scotty's idol is George Strait, who has decided to cash in by choosing his own "Check Yes or No", a tale of classroom, and presumably, adult romance. Scotty has gone to the faux flannel print and jeans, playing acoustic guitar, and turns in a pretty decent imitation of someone fifty years older than himself. The song is fairly straight (no pun intended) forward, and is nothing memorable in terms of content or vocals.
Lauren lets Carrie Underwood choose her song. Since Carrie doesn't need a bump in sales, she selects Pam Tillis' "Maybe It Was Memphis". Lauren has changed to another Disney Princess Dress, with odd silver cowboy boots. This is another generic country power ballad, but Pam Tillis gets a pass from me because she once sang backup on a track by a friend of mine. Lauren's "vocal troubles" notwithstanding, she may actually sound better with a bit of a rasp in her voice.
And NOW we get judges' commentary? I'm guessing if Scotty had blown her out in this round, we'd be going to commercial. Randy praises the contestants, America for voting for these two, the judges for bringing them in, Journey, and everyone but his tailor. "So hard...so even...Scotty, the reprisal of 'Gone' was brilliant...the George Strait thing was good as well. Lauren - 'Flat on the Floor' was really good...the Pam Tillis song, I loved that too. Round one - slight edge to Scotty. Round two - slight edge to Lauren."
Jenny From the Block: "Such an explosive start from both...'Gone' was amazing. Lauren - you came out and attacked it. The second song for Scotty...not as dynamic. I'm going with Randy." Crazy Aunt Mabel wakes up and gives the "first and second round to Lauren - because she's prettier." During the break, a restraining order is presented to Steven Tyler (we can only hope).
Oh, and Randy states that they're both "IN IT TO WIN IT". Thousands across America take a drink, pass out, and miss the "First Single" round. Too bad I don't drink...
Technical difficulties, part #267. Seacrest vapidly ad libs about Oprah's last show, all the while wondering how he can finish his own takeover of the Western world.
But wait! Remember the "Winner's Song"? The thinly veiled advertisement for a certain soft drink company, wherein Taio Cruz will perform the song? Yeah, me neither. At any rate, the winning song is called "Positive", which I'm guessing has something to do with Cruz's latest blood test. Cruz, looking like the lovechild of Jamie Foxx and Kanye, appropriates James Durbin's drum corps, but dresses them like extras from "Attack of the Clones". And...the vocals drop out. Smartly, the camera pans wide so we can't see if Taio forget the words, or if he was lip syncing. Someone earned a bonus last night. The song? I'm positive I never want to hear it again...something about getting knocked down and getting back up, and taking a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink, a cider drink, and pissing the night away...(like five of you will get that.)
In the audience, Camryn Manheim is hoping for another part.
And, if they win, Jimmy Iovine presents: the first singles.
Scotty gets the ill-advised "I Love You This Big", which feels like a song Lonestar would reject as being too schmaltzy. Suit, no tie, highlight reel rolling behind him. It's another slow, romantic country ballad, a bit of high vocals here and there, and pretty boring. Unfortunately for Scotty, it also feels like it's the first time he's sung it. Jimmy Iovine has worked with artists who have sold millions of records, including U2, and THIS is the best he can come up with? If you like Scotty, it's not going to matter to you anyway. And of course, since it was mediocre, here are your judges:
Randy is "marveling at the two youngest ever...both country...range was great, low and hig, the end note was like 'yo!'...IN IT TO WIN IT...game time...proud of you, how you've grown...brilliant vocal." High Low calls him a "great storyteller...you have to do that when you sing a song nobody's heard before..." Joan Rivers notes that Scotty has "come a long way...took chances and ran with it...can't hit a three pointer standing under the net." Scotty tells Ryan he'd never dreamed of this. Ryan describes him as "so calm, so chill."
Back from the break, Steven Tyler is caught in his granny glasses again. When he sees the camera, he tucks them away faster than Randy referencing a certain band he used to be in.
Lauren meets with Jimmy, and will do the song "Like My Mother Does". "Mothers are the bedrock of our society", claims Iovine. Speaking for all of the dads that Jimmy and every sitcom throws under the proverbial bus, here's a raised middle finger to Mr. Producer. Lauren is in a white dress, and proceeds to sing this song directly to her mother, Leigh Ann Tuohy. Heartstrings being tugged, a better song than Scotty had selected for him...and Seacrest ESCORTS Lauren to her mother in the audience, where she buries her head in her mother's shoulder, singing all the while. When Lauren gets to the NFL, her mother will be seen on "Extreme Makeover: Trailer Edition." Jeff Freaking Dunham couldn't manipulate this any better. Lauren actually misses the big note, but no one will care.
Randy: "Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Amazing song...summation of the journey...ode to your mom...I love how at the end, we got to see the Lauren we grew to love in Nashville...Mariah Carey run at the end...LAUREN ALAINA HAS ARRIVED! Amazing."
J Lo continues: "With that song, you may have just won...beautiful...perfect for you...just what it needed to be...heart and soul and emotion..."
Steven: "The first time I saw you, I said you were the American Idol. I think America will find that out too. You are 'it' in my eyes."
Lauren feels "great, by my mama's crying. She's beautiful anyway."
Want to hear something hilarious? Guess who wrote the song Lauren sang? Guess whose album it was on recently? Guess why you've never heard it before tonight? "Like My Mother Does" was written by:
Kristy Lee Cook. The Sanjaya of Season 7.
Judges' verdict? Randy gives a slight edge to Lauren. J Lo refuses to name anyone, calling it a "tight race." Steven says, "Lauren, honey...Scotty, I'm sorry but it's Lauren, hands down." Manipulation complete. American Idol, featuring Nigel Lythgoe as Geppetto.
Oh, and since no one is leaving tonight, let's have David Cook sing the exit song live! "(Don't You) Forget About Me" is given the Daughtry treatment, and suffers in the process. Somewhere, Jim Kerr (Simple Minds) is thanking Idol for his first royalty checks in about fifteen years. Cook omits the chorus at the end, which is one of the best parts of the song, and unfortunately, we're still watching "Idol" and not "The Breakfast Club."
Tomorrow: the eternally long finale, U2, rumors of Judas Priest with James Durbin, Jack Black and Casey, Naima with choreography, Haley rumored to be doing an original song, atrocious group sings, former Idols, contrived award segments, a Steven Tyler blooper reel, Randy officially copyrighting the phrase "IN IT TO WIN IT", forgotten Idols like Stefano, Pia, Thia, Karen, Jacob, and Ashthon, Steven Tyler doing "Dream ON" without Aerosmith, and the exclusion of Lee DeWyze and Chris Medina, neither of whom were invited to the finale. Rumor has it DeWyze then requested tickets, and was told "Sorry, none available." I wonder if Sherman-Williams is hiring...
Enter the judges, who I have grown to hate this year. Steven Tyler has killed an entire zoo to make the printed shirt he has on, J Lo is waiting for shift at Medieval Times to end, and Randy Jackson is wearing my grandmother's couch, and missing his top hat.
Audience shots of the top 12, and OH MY GOSH! David Archuleta. 7000 are here tonight for Nashville Star tonight's finale, and they're the youngest ever! Enter the finalists...Scotty in a Wal-Mart T-shirt, and Lauren in seventeen layers of upscale Oakland Raider fan gear. Oh, but wait: Lauren has vocal issues. Dr. George Constanza, dressed in black scrubs, says she blew out a vocal cord, but they've treated her with Ritalin, Nyquil, and Red Bull, so she should be OK.
Six songs by these two? Someone get me the No-Doz. The first round is the contestant's favorite song of the year, followed by "Idols' Choice", where the personal idols of Scotty and Lauren will choose (I envision Scotty singing "It's Howdy Doody Time"), and the last round is the "first single", chosen by Jimmy Iovine. No word as to when Will.I.Ever.Leave shows up.
Scotty won the coin toss, but let Lauren choose who would sing first? Anybody else not buying this crap? You ALWAYS take the pimp spot if you can. Remember, Scotty was never in the bottom three. Never. Think they're afraid of a blowout in the voting? Because unless Lauren has been hiding a lot more than Twinkie wrappers this year. this has Jordin/Blake written all over it.
Scotty enters through the audience with Montgomery Gentry's "Gone", which is definitely a smart choice - it showcases the little range he has without going into an octave he can't reach. It's also probably the only time he's going to move more than a few inches on stage all night. This feels a lot like last week, with Haley's Led Zeppelin song leading off, though...it gives everyone fifty minutes to forget about what may be the best performance of the night. And if you're a Scotty fan (and I'm not), this is as good as he can get when up tempo. He finishes with an imaginary swing of the baseball bat, going for a home run, and showing warning track power.
No judges' commentary? More shenanigans afoot. Did Nigel forget to write their notes while working on the premiere of SYTYCD? Hmm.
Lauren follows with "Flat on the Floor"...she strives for attitude with the hip shaking, head tossing performance. She's not pushing for volume, but the notes are mostly there, although her voice is noticeably thinning out towards the end of the song. Anyone else notice this: When J Lo starts to rock out, she IMMEDIATELY stops any time the camera comes her way? Every. Single. Time. It's a decent job by Lauren, but Scotty clearly ruled round one.
Judges? No? OK, let's move on to the second round of "The Coronation of Queen Lauren."
Scotty's idol is George Strait, who has decided to cash in by choosing his own "Check Yes or No", a tale of classroom, and presumably, adult romance. Scotty has gone to the faux flannel print and jeans, playing acoustic guitar, and turns in a pretty decent imitation of someone fifty years older than himself. The song is fairly straight (no pun intended) forward, and is nothing memorable in terms of content or vocals.
Lauren lets Carrie Underwood choose her song. Since Carrie doesn't need a bump in sales, she selects Pam Tillis' "Maybe It Was Memphis". Lauren has changed to another Disney Princess Dress, with odd silver cowboy boots. This is another generic country power ballad, but Pam Tillis gets a pass from me because she once sang backup on a track by a friend of mine. Lauren's "vocal troubles" notwithstanding, she may actually sound better with a bit of a rasp in her voice.
And NOW we get judges' commentary? I'm guessing if Scotty had blown her out in this round, we'd be going to commercial. Randy praises the contestants, America for voting for these two, the judges for bringing them in, Journey, and everyone but his tailor. "So hard...so even...Scotty, the reprisal of 'Gone' was brilliant...the George Strait thing was good as well. Lauren - 'Flat on the Floor' was really good...the Pam Tillis song, I loved that too. Round one - slight edge to Scotty. Round two - slight edge to Lauren."
Jenny From the Block: "Such an explosive start from both...'Gone' was amazing. Lauren - you came out and attacked it. The second song for Scotty...not as dynamic. I'm going with Randy." Crazy Aunt Mabel wakes up and gives the "first and second round to Lauren - because she's prettier." During the break, a restraining order is presented to Steven Tyler (we can only hope).
Oh, and Randy states that they're both "IN IT TO WIN IT". Thousands across America take a drink, pass out, and miss the "First Single" round. Too bad I don't drink...
Technical difficulties, part #267. Seacrest vapidly ad libs about Oprah's last show, all the while wondering how he can finish his own takeover of the Western world.
But wait! Remember the "Winner's Song"? The thinly veiled advertisement for a certain soft drink company, wherein Taio Cruz will perform the song? Yeah, me neither. At any rate, the winning song is called "Positive", which I'm guessing has something to do with Cruz's latest blood test. Cruz, looking like the lovechild of Jamie Foxx and Kanye, appropriates James Durbin's drum corps, but dresses them like extras from "Attack of the Clones". And...the vocals drop out. Smartly, the camera pans wide so we can't see if Taio forget the words, or if he was lip syncing. Someone earned a bonus last night. The song? I'm positive I never want to hear it again...something about getting knocked down and getting back up, and taking a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink, a cider drink, and pissing the night away...(like five of you will get that.)
In the audience, Camryn Manheim is hoping for another part.
And, if they win, Jimmy Iovine presents: the first singles.
Scotty gets the ill-advised "I Love You This Big", which feels like a song Lonestar would reject as being too schmaltzy. Suit, no tie, highlight reel rolling behind him. It's another slow, romantic country ballad, a bit of high vocals here and there, and pretty boring. Unfortunately for Scotty, it also feels like it's the first time he's sung it. Jimmy Iovine has worked with artists who have sold millions of records, including U2, and THIS is the best he can come up with? If you like Scotty, it's not going to matter to you anyway. And of course, since it was mediocre, here are your judges:
Randy is "marveling at the two youngest ever...both country...range was great, low and hig, the end note was like 'yo!'...IN IT TO WIN IT...game time...proud of you, how you've grown...brilliant vocal." High Low calls him a "great storyteller...you have to do that when you sing a song nobody's heard before..." Joan Rivers notes that Scotty has "come a long way...took chances and ran with it...can't hit a three pointer standing under the net." Scotty tells Ryan he'd never dreamed of this. Ryan describes him as "so calm, so chill."
Back from the break, Steven Tyler is caught in his granny glasses again. When he sees the camera, he tucks them away faster than Randy referencing a certain band he used to be in.
Lauren meets with Jimmy, and will do the song "Like My Mother Does". "Mothers are the bedrock of our society", claims Iovine. Speaking for all of the dads that Jimmy and every sitcom throws under the proverbial bus, here's a raised middle finger to Mr. Producer. Lauren is in a white dress, and proceeds to sing this song directly to her mother, Leigh Ann Tuohy. Heartstrings being tugged, a better song than Scotty had selected for him...and Seacrest ESCORTS Lauren to her mother in the audience, where she buries her head in her mother's shoulder, singing all the while. When Lauren gets to the NFL, her mother will be seen on "Extreme Makeover: Trailer Edition." Jeff Freaking Dunham couldn't manipulate this any better. Lauren actually misses the big note, but no one will care.
Randy: "Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Amazing song...summation of the journey...ode to your mom...I love how at the end, we got to see the Lauren we grew to love in Nashville...Mariah Carey run at the end...LAUREN ALAINA HAS ARRIVED! Amazing."
J Lo continues: "With that song, you may have just won...beautiful...perfect for you...just what it needed to be...heart and soul and emotion..."
Steven: "The first time I saw you, I said you were the American Idol. I think America will find that out too. You are 'it' in my eyes."
Lauren feels "great, by my mama's crying. She's beautiful anyway."
Want to hear something hilarious? Guess who wrote the song Lauren sang? Guess whose album it was on recently? Guess why you've never heard it before tonight? "Like My Mother Does" was written by:
Kristy Lee Cook. The Sanjaya of Season 7.
Judges' verdict? Randy gives a slight edge to Lauren. J Lo refuses to name anyone, calling it a "tight race." Steven says, "Lauren, honey...Scotty, I'm sorry but it's Lauren, hands down." Manipulation complete. American Idol, featuring Nigel Lythgoe as Geppetto.
Oh, and since no one is leaving tonight, let's have David Cook sing the exit song live! "(Don't You) Forget About Me" is given the Daughtry treatment, and suffers in the process. Somewhere, Jim Kerr (Simple Minds) is thanking Idol for his first royalty checks in about fifteen years. Cook omits the chorus at the end, which is one of the best parts of the song, and unfortunately, we're still watching "Idol" and not "The Breakfast Club."
Tomorrow: the eternally long finale, U2, rumors of Judas Priest with James Durbin, Jack Black and Casey, Naima with choreography, Haley rumored to be doing an original song, atrocious group sings, former Idols, contrived award segments, a Steven Tyler blooper reel, Randy officially copyrighting the phrase "IN IT TO WIN IT", forgotten Idols like Stefano, Pia, Thia, Karen, Jacob, and Ashthon, Steven Tyler doing "Dream ON" without Aerosmith, and the exclusion of Lee DeWyze and Chris Medina, neither of whom were invited to the finale. Rumor has it DeWyze then requested tickets, and was told "Sorry, none available." I wonder if Sherman-Williams is hiring...