Somebody Save Jennifer - Chapter Twelve
Title: Somebody Save Jennifer
Fandom: Gossip Girl
Pairing/Character(s): Nate/Jenny; additional characters
Rating: M
Type: Hurt/Comfort/Romance
Spoilers: Completely AU
Summary: We all have problems, but for Jennifer Humphrey they' re much bigger. Will she be able to get over her addiction with his help and the help of others around her?
A/N: Thanks so much to my beta Jenna {_chngingx3lanes } Thank you, babe for letting me know that this chapter wasn't as bad as I'd told myself it was. So , thank you so much for proving me wrong.
Chapter Twelve - A Little Bit Longer
Got the news today doctor said I had to stay
A little bit longer and I'll be fine
When I thought it'd all been done
When I thought it'd all been said
A little bit longer and I'll be fine
But you don't know what you got until it's gone
And you don't know what it's like to feel so low
And every time you smile, you laugh, you glow
You don't even know, know, know
You don't even know
All this time goes by, still no reason why
A little bit longer and I'll be fine
Waiting on a cure but none of them are sure
A little bit longer and I'll be fine
As far as he could remember, Nate Archibald hated hospitals. He hated everything about them: the smell, the worry on people’s faces when awaiting the news of their loved ones, the stale, bitter scent that clung to the air, the constant ring of a phone no one answered, the long white doctor’s coats, the squeaky crisp white floors, the bland coffee exerted from the machines, and the hard seats in the waiting room. These things just added to the long list of reasons why Nate hated the hospital, but the main one was the feeling he would always get. The churning, twisting feeling in his stomach that came with the knowledge of knowing that someone he loved was suffering from a certain problem. In this case, it was the girl he'd known for a period of time, the girl he opened up the most with, the girl he loved, the girl he didn't even know was suffering from a problem like this, so severe and devasting. After they’d found Jenny in the bathroom, wrist cut, Dan did his best to call an ambulance, his voice wavering. When the ambulance arrived, Nate still wouldn't let go of Jenny, Eric having to pull him away with Dan's help. Dan rode with Jenny to the hospital, being her only family, while the rest of the them drove behind the ambulance to the hospital. It was Serena who called Rufus after seeing the ambulance, Jenny being rolled into the back of it.
He'd been down this road before, his father being admitted into the hospital for a drug overdose when he was thirteen. The worry that his father was on the verge of dying and the sudden rush to the hospital. He didn't know what was going on at the time, why his father was being admitted, but after leaving the hospital with his mother, Nate went home to find the evidence all over the desk in his father's study. The next year, his mother filed for divorce, while Howie 'the captain' Archibald became engaged to Eleanor Waldorf. Then before he could blink, Howie was back in the hospital, forcing him to spend another stint in a rehabilitation center.
The small waiting room, tucking in the corner was tense, being able to see it as it hung above in the air. Nate was seated in the corner near the window, the Winter season visible behind him. On his left was Chuck, then Blair, both their faces solemn and sad, a rare expression for the two of them. Eric was sitting next to Madison, her head resting softly on his shoulder, sleep claiming her. Dan was closest to the nurses station, Serena holding tightly onto his hand, wiping away stray tears as they fell. Bex was in front of Dan across the room, Rufus off in the distance trying to get answers from the doctors. With all the sadness, hurt, and disappointment associated with the hospital it was hard to believe that just two stories down lives were being created, happy times for new and old parents.
“Would anyone like some coffee?”, Bex asked fishing in her purse for loose quarters. Her voice was low, although it seemed loud in the inaudible hospital.
“No, thank you.” Serena held on tighter to Dan’s hand as she answered Bex’s question. She glanced over at Dan, his head leaned against the wall, staring up at the ceiling above, taking in the different patterns.
Bex turned to the rest of the group asking them without even speaking. Each and every one of them simply shook their heads, staying silent. It was several minutes later when Rufus came rushing back down the hall, his face worried, obviously baring bad news. He was wearing a beat-up brown leather jacket, the material faded. His face was unshaved, eyes red, and tired. Everyone seemed to wake up when they saw him, focusing their attention on what news he was bringing them.
“Dad, what did they say?”, Dan asked the moment his father was in hearing distance. He was sitting upwards now, listening intently to what his father was about to say.
Rufus sighed heavily, sitting next to Bex, who rubbed his left shoulder with the palm of her hand. “The doctors says that she’ll be fine physically, not a lot of blood lost as the last time”. He ran a hand over his face, dreading the next words that were about to spill from his mouth. “…but they're going to put her on twenty-four hour suicide watch."
“Why?”, Dan asked, although the reason was obvious, but Jenny wasn’t suicidal. She was happy, or so he'd thought. “You and I both know that Jenny isn't suicidal, dad.”
Rufus nodded, leaning back in his chair. “Maybe so, but something triggered this, and the doctors just want to know what.”
“I just don't understand it, Rufus, she was doing so well,” Bex chimed in, remembering all the happy moments she shared with Jenny.
“I don't understand it either, honey.” When he'd received Serena’s call about Jenny, Rufus was in the middle of doing an interview for a local late night talk show. He’d immediately rushed off the stage, after apologizing to the host and the audience. His hasty exit will no doubt spark controversy, the news of famous musician Rufus Humphrey leaving in the middle of an interview because of an emergency. The media would be fishing for details, until they uncovered the secret Rufus kept hidden. Sure, he publicized the problem Jenny had in a song, but that wasn’t his initial plan. He’d started writing the song, a special gift he wanted Jenny to have, but after his manager heard the song, he wanted Rufus to record it, making it a number one hit.
The time passed, rolling into the next day. Madison was asleep on Eric’s shoulder, his head resting against the wall beside him. Blair was trying her best to stay awake, not wanting to be rude and fall asleep, beside her, Chuck’s eyes were closed, uncomfortable in the hard chairs. Serena continued to hold on tight to Dan, letting him know that she was there, and would always be when he was ready to talk. Rufus was off making calls, talking with the doctors. Bex was asleep, her head resting on her hand.
Nate was staring out the window, a thousand thoughts running through his head, mostly of Jenny and the time they spent together before her “accident.” he knew it was all his fault why Jenny did what she’d done. If he would have stayed with her, then none of this would have happened. Jenny would be smiling, the two of them having a great night together, one they’d both remember for the rest of their lives. They would both indeed remember this night, but not as a happy memory. One that was cold, dark, and lonely. He wanted so badly to know what Jenny was thinking at the moment, to be inside her head, seeing the reason why she’d hurt herself that way.
He dreamt of Jenny that night In his dream it was twilight all around, her voice the only thing leading him towards where she was. Her voice sounded different, sad and foreign in the darkness. The dream adaptation of himself moved towards her voice, a bright light appearing as he continued to walk, moving closer. When he was in the light, he saw her. She was wearing the blood stained dress, her hair a mess, shoes missing, wrist cut, blood dripping, thumping against the bleached white floor. But in the mist of it all, her horrible appearance, Jenny was smiling, but it was different, one he’d never seen before, instantly becoming afraid. The dream scared Nate, vaulting him from sleep, sweat pooling over his face and body.
“Nate," Serena’s voice pulled him from the dream. She was sitting next to him in the waiting room, the morning light shining through from the window behind him. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah.” He looked around, the room empty except for Serena and himself. “Where is everyone?”
Serena leaned back in her chair. “Eric took Madison home, Blair and Chuck went back to the dorms to pack, Bex is getting breakfast, and Dan is with Rufus talking to the doctors.”
“Did they hear anything about Jenny?” he asked, running a hand through his sweaty hair. He noticed that Serena was still in her dress from last night.
“Not that I know of,” she replied sadly. She could see how much Nate was hurting. He was one of her best friends and she wanted nothing more than to take his pain away, just like she wanted to do for Dan, Rufus and Jenny. “How are you doing?”
Nate sighed, glancing at Serena then back to the window. “To be honest, I really don't know. I just want her to be alright.”
Serena patted his hand in a friendly way. “She will be.” He looked at her, wanting to believe the words she said, so easy, and simple as if the situation really was. Maybe in Serena's world it was, but in his it wasn't.
Minutes later, Bex arrived with breakfast. Nate accepted the coffee she'd brought for him, downing it in seconds. He wasn't really that hungry, the thought of food making his stomach churn.
Dan entered the waiting room minutes after Bex, his face stressed. He was no longer wearing his suit jacket from last night, his tie was loose, hanging limp around his neck. He didn't say anything at first, just sat down next to Serena, grabbing the coffee Bex offered him.
Then finally he spoke. “They're going to take her off suicide watch at noon, then her therapist is going to talk to her to make sure she's not suicidal, then they will move her to a room where we can visit her.”
~*~*~*~
It all happened so fast, crashing down on her before she could even stop it. She was leaving the party, tears streaming from her face, the thought of Nate no longer wanting to be with her embedded in her memory. She loved him, wanted to be with him for as long as she could, but apparently he didn't feel that same way. According to Vanessa he didn't love Jenny. She shouldn’t have listened to the bitter ex-girlfriend, should have just gone and found Nate, living in the moment with him, but she couldn’t. Her mind wouldn’t let her, kicking her heart out of the way, what she believed thrown in the trash. Jenny listened to the harsh voice in her head, the one that always appeared just before she injured herself. The harsh voice mocked her, showing her images of a happier Nate with Vanessa, things she hadn't even see before. It showed her the ending result of telling Nate of her past, him proclaiming she carried too much baggage, making his way towards Vanessa, the girl according to the voice, he only loved.
Everything was a blur as the scissors sliced open her skin, the smell of blood laced the air, intoxicating her. She was back in that place, the one she used to love more than anything in the world. This was the only place she could run to now, that would help her, comfort her from the shattering lost. All the while, she thought of Nate, how she’d never be able to feel him again, kiss the softness of his lips, and be held in his arms. He was going to hold Vanessa now, the text messages from Nate filling her memory. It was that which sent her over the edge, seeking refuge in the world she’d left behind for months. If she wasn’t with Nate, then there was no use. He was her everything, the person that kept her sane, grounded, and away from that world, but now that he was gone from her, she didn’t care what happened to her, or where she ended up.
The room they placed her in was small, a single mattress, no sheet, no springs, no pillow, nothing. The walls were bare, bleached white, floors cold and ashy. She’d never been on suicide watch, not even in the earlier days when she’d cut too deep, almost losing her life. This was different from anything she’d been through, maybe even worse. It was like solitary confinement and she was a prisoner, hidden away so she couldn’t corrupt the others. They watched her every move, making sure she wasn’t about to snap. They'd taken away her dress, jewelry, even some of her hair extensions. The all too familiar white bandage was covering her wrist, hiding what she’d done from her own eyes.
“Hi, Jenny,” Susan Boyd, her old therapist greeted, sitting across from Jenny at the small table in the hospital's cafeteria. They released her from the small room, calling Susan to evaluate her. “How are you feeling?”
“Not good.” Jenny smiled weakly. Susan looked mush more different from the last time she’d seen her. Her sandy brown hair was gone, now a lighter shade of blonde.
“I’m really sorry to hear that.” And she really meant it, her voice genuine and caring. She placed the tape recorder on the table in between them, something she started during once Jenny first started to talk to her all those months back. “Do you wanna tell me what happened? You don’t have to.”
Jenny thought about shutting down, keeping the thoughts inside of her head, but decided against it. “I screwed up.”
Susan sat up straight, writing in her notebook. “How so?”
Jenny tucked a clump of hair behind one ear, sniffling. “I relapsed, and I really shouldn’t have because it’s wrong.” She stared at the lights above her as they shined over the cafeteria. Outside the windows she could see people leaving the hospital, going back home to the ones that loved them the most. “Everyone is going home to the people that love them.”
Susan was confused at first, then looked in the direction Jenny was, seeing the patient pickup section of the hospital. “Are people that love you waiting?”
In an instant, Jenny thought of Nate, his smiling face and bright blue eyes, but pushed the thought from her mind. He was most likely in the arms of Vanessa. She let her mind wander to much better things. Jenny thought of Eric, Dan, Bex and Rufus waiting to hug and love her. She even thought of Blair and Chuck. “Yeah.”
Susan smiled, sparkling white teeth present. “Well, that’s good. Who are they?”
Jenny exhaled, running a hand through her hair. “My uncle, Dan, Eric, Bex, and all friends from school.”
Susan smiled to herself, writing down her thoughts in the notebook. Lifting her head, she studied the girl in front of her, then slowly asked, “What about your boyfriend?”
She didn't know what to say, or how to respond. She'd never mentioned Nate. “How do you know about him?”
“Your Uncle Rufus,” Susan informed, her voice hesitant, awaiting Jenny's reaction. When she didn't start to freak out, Susan continued. “…do you want to tell me about him?”
It wasn’t until Susan brought him up, that Jenny realized just how angry she really was. Nate lied to her, betrayed her trust, and he’d probably done more than that, stuff that she didn’t even know about. He’d communicated with Vanessa behind her back and filled her head with lies. He was just like all the other boys that was nice to her. He wanted sex from her just like the others and she would have given it to him, because she loved him, but he never loved her. He loved Vanessa, that was clear. It was probably there all along but she never really opened her eyes, but not that she had, Jenny hated Nate. She hated him for lying to her, filling her head with promises he never intended to keep. He was a low, poor excuse for a man, and she hated him, never wanted to see his face as long as she existed.
“We’re not together anymore.” Jenny declared, her voice tight with anger.
They two of them talked more about school, the classes Jenny were attending, and the friends she made. Susan did her best not to mention Nate, realizing how angry Jenny would get whenever hearing his name, or accidentally saying it herself. Susan could tell that something happened between the two in order to make Jenny react the way she did. But that was all she detected, not one reason to believe that Jenny was suicidal.
After Susan explained to the doctors the condition of Jenny’s mental state, they assigned a room to her, informing Rufus and the others that Jenny was available for visitors. Rufus, Bex, and Dan were the only ones available to see her, considering they were her only family. Nate stayed behind with Serena, pacing the length of the small waiting room near Jenny’s newly assigned room.
Dan was the first in the door, smiling weakly when he saw Jenny sitting on the small hospital bed. “Hey.”
“Hey.” A single tear fell from her right eye, skating down her cheek. Dan moved forward, hugging her tight. Jenny held on, whispering, “I’m sorry.”
Rufus was next, the two of them exchanging hugs, while Jenny continued to apologize. Bex cried when she hugged Jenny, telling the girl that she was glad she was alright. She was happy to see her family, the only ones she could trust to tell her the truth and be there when she needed them. Jenny’s mind occasionally thought of Nate, wondering if he was waiting to see her just like the others that Dan mentioned. But she quickly reminded herself that she hated Nate, and didn’t want to see him.
But just like every other big situation that happened in the Humphrey world, they shut down, not speaking of it, just waited for the doctor to come, explaining the details of what happened and what the future held for Jenny. Dr. Bloom concluded that she was to stay in the hospital for the rest of the weekend, suggesting that Jenny attend their ‘Teen Outreach’ program until the end of the year, helping her cope with the relapse. The doctor left, telling them it was alright for Jenny to have visitors besides family in thirty minutes.
Bex sat down on the bed, smiling. “Nate is in the waiting room. I bet you can’t wait t-.”
“I don’t want to see him,” Jenny snapped, cutting her off, voice constricted with anger.
Bex looked confused, pushing the hair away from Jenny’s face. “Look, Jenny, I know you’re scared, but-.”
“I don’t want to see him,” she insisted loudly, catching the attention of Rufus and Dan. There were tears starting to fall from her eyes, not knowing what struck them. “…I hate him.”
“Jenny, you don’t mean that.” Bex continued to reason, not being able to believe the word coming from the younger woman’s mouth.
“Yes. I. Do,” Jenny’s voice was so sure of the words she was saying, wanting the people around her to believe her as well. “I hate him.”
Rufus glanced towards his son, then stepped closer to Jenny. “What did he do?” Jenny didn’t answer, just placed her head down, the tears continuing to glide down her cheeks, hitting the white sheets covering her body. “Did he hurt you?”
While Rufus continued to ask, wanting to know what was happening, Dan stormed out the door, getting all the information he needed. He rushed towards the waiting area where they’d left Serena and Nate, red-faced with anger. Nate was still pacing when Dan walked up to him, grabbing the front of his suit jacket, banging him into the wall, knocking over a few chairs. Everyone stopped, looking in their direction. Serena hopped to her feet, asking questions.
“What the hell did you do to her?" Dan bellowed, his angry breath blowing against Nate’s face, which looked puzzled.
“Dan what are you doing?" Serena asked frantically, trying to pry Dan’s hands away.
“Dan, what the hell are you talking about?" Nate asked confused. He didn’t do anything that he could remember being this bad.
“You son of a bitch, if you hurt her, I swear to god…” Dan threatened, tightening his grasp on his roommate’s clothes, pushing him further into the wall if that was possible. . “…I will kill you.”
“Stop it!,” Serena screamed, pulling the tail of her boyfriend’s shirt, trying to break up the altercation before the police arrived, throwing all of them out of the hospital.
“I really have no idea what you’re talking about, man,” Nate tried to explain himself, but Dan refused to listen.
“Yeah, then why is she hollering for us to keep you away from her?” Dan asked, although he really wasn’t looking for an answer.
The words stopped Nate’s whole world, the fight inside him dying down into nothing. “What?”
“Jenny said she hated you,” Dan informed him, not knowing or caring the affect the delivered message was having on Nate. “…and I wanna know what you did to make her say that.”
“I didn’t do anything.” Nate whispered to himself, confusion clouding his mind.
“Bullshit!” Dan let go of his grasp on Nate, watching as he fell limp to the ground. “…all I know is that my cousin starts dating you, then ends up cutting her goddamn wrist again. You stay the hell away from her.”
“Dan.” Serena ran after him, her hand on his shoulder, trying to ease his anger.
Nate watched them go, confused about what just happened. For some reason, Jenny hated him, ending with Dan becoming upset and attacking him. There was no where in Nate's brain, he could recall harming Jenny. He'd always been very careful with her, treating her as if she were a fragile doll. She might have just been scared, he told himself, guessing that Jenny was scared to see him after what happened, thinking that he would be upset with her. But he wasn’t. He loved her so much, that the thought of becoming mad with her made his skin crawl. Maybe he did do something, although he couldn’t remember exactly what it was, or for some reason, Jenny got it into her head that he’d done something wrong, telling her family that she hated him, and never wanted to see him. Nate concluded that she might have been upset with him for leaving her at the party to talk with Chuck and Blair. But she seemed alright with it when he’d left her at their table, she even encouraged him to go, saying that she would be alright by herself.
But why was she saying all of this? That she hated him, and never wanted to see his face. It was all a blur to him, a messed up situation he needed to discuss with her, but there was no way he was going to get to her, with Dan around. It was later in the day when Rufus came up to him. He was walking slowly, his face clam unlike Dan’s earlier.
He stood in front of Nate, who’d pulled himself into a chair after another hour of sitting on the floor. He studied the boy, smoothing down the hair on his face. “I think it would be best if you just went home.”
Nate looked up at him, the tears he’d cried earlier, dried against his face. He didn’t say anything, just listened to the older male in front of him. “For whatever reason, she doesn’t want to see you, so I’m going to honor that by asking you to leave.”
Before he could even answer, Rufus walked away, leaving him alone in the small waiting room, his entire world falling apart with no one to put it back together. It was just like when his parents divorced, no one there to help him deal with it or listen to his side of the issue. They just left him, not caring what he had to say. It happened all his life, the ignorance. He’d received it from mostly everyone he’s known: his father, his mother, his friends, his ex-girlfriends, and now the one person he always thought of being there for him, the person he loved the most. Nate picked himself off of the floor, exiting the hospital doors, leaving it all behind him.
He found himself in a bar, ordering a shot, asking the bartender to leave the bottle, slipping him a twenty. The smell of whisky laced the air, seeping into the material of his expensive suit. He continued to drink from the glass, then after while he stopped, drinking straight from the bottle, letting himself become intoxicated, numbing the pain he was feeling. It was when he passed out that Nate dreamt of her again, her bright cobalt eyes, sweet smell, and soft lips. He thought of all the times they'd spent together, laughing and playing in her dorm room or his. He loved all the time he spent with her, wishing to himself that he could change her mind, let her see just how much he loved her. Maybe it was the half of bottle of Vodka he down, or his intense love for her, but Nate bolted upright, sobering himself very quickly. He caught a cab back to the hospital determined to show her the truth.
It was easy for him to pass security, sneaking past when they weren’t looking. He explained to the new nurse at the station that he was a family member of Jenny Humphrey, saying he was her cousin Dan, thanking the people that were on his side that night when she didn’t ask for his identification. When reaching Jenny’s room, the lights were off, the soft glow of the television reflected on her sleeping face. The room was empty, no sign of Dan or Rufus. He opened the door slowly, creeping inside.
“Nate?” He jumped, noticing Bex sitting in the chair close to the wall. She stood, walking over to him. “Don’t give up on her.” Was the last thing she said before leaving the room.
He moved towards her, reaching out to touch her face, but decided against it. “Jenny,” he called into the dark room until she awoke.
Jenny stared at him, the person she missed more than anyone standing so close to her. She sat up slowly, turning the light on next to her, making sure she wasn’t dreaming. “What are you doing here?”
She didn’t sound angry or hurt, just confused. He moved closer, starting to sit down in the bed, but she stopped him, extending her hand. It was then that she remembered why she didn’t want to see him. “I need to talk to you.”
She shook her head. “No, you need to leave.”
“Jenny,” he moved closer, but she moved back on the bed, shaking her head madly, wanting him to stay away.
“Stay away from me,” she snapped loudly. “I hate you.”
“Jenny, I love you,” he declared, running a hand through his hair. “...and I'm not just saying this because of what happened. I've loved you before this.”
Jenny shook her head, covering her ears with the palms of her hand. "Don't say that!"
“Jenny, what did I do?" Nate asked. Nothing was making sense to him. Hearing the words come from Jenny's mouth was like a fierce blow to the chest, knocking the wind from his lungs.
There were tears forming in her eyes as she watched him. He looked liked hell. He was still wearing the same suit he wore to the dance, now wrinkled. His eyes were red, face sticky from crying. “Why did you lie to me?”
Nate moved forward sitting next to her, and this time she didn't stop him. “Jenny, I have been nothing but honest with you.”
She looked up at him, pulling the loose strands of hair behind her ears. “Why didn't you tell me you still talked to her?”
He was confused, not knowing what she was talking about. “Who?”
Jenny sniffled, wiping the tears from her cheeks as more fell. “Vanessa,” her voice barely a whisper.
Nate touched her face, brushing away some of the tears with the pad of his thumb. “This is about Vanessa?”
She nodded, leaning her face into his touch. She missed the feeling of his skin against hers, no matter where he touched her. “She said that you still talked to her, and she showed me all these text messages from you.”
He groaned. “Jenny, I admit that I've talked to Vanessa since we broke up, but it was one sided. She was the one texting me all the time.” He pulled out his cellphone, handing it to her.
Jenny scrolled through the text messages, seeing Vanessa's message about them getting back together, then Nate's quick reply, no love, no emotion, telling her it was over between the two of them. A tear fell onto the screen, the realization of what happened crashing down on her. She'd doubted Nate, told her she hated him all for nothing, because he just confirmed what her heart was trying to tell her all along. She loved Nate and he loved her; they loved each other, and no one could break them apart.
“I love you,” he pulled her close to him, burying his face in her head, inhaling her familiar scent.
“I love you, too,” she cried, hearing the words come from his mouth again. He pulled away, kissing her lips softly, yet passionately.
“No more secrets,” Nate promised.
Jenny pulled away from him, knowing at that moment what she needed to say. Pulling up the hospital gown, she reveled to him the cigar burn that Agnes found on her side, the one she told her friend was nothing. But it was something, permanent damage done by her father.
“Jenny, what-.”
She placed his hand on the burnt flesh. “I have to tell you something."
Chapter Eleven <<------------------->> Chapter Thirteen
Fandom: Gossip Girl
Pairing/Character(s): Nate/Jenny; additional characters
Rating: M
Type: Hurt/Comfort/Romance
Spoilers: Completely AU
Summary: We all have problems, but for Jennifer Humphrey they' re much bigger. Will she be able to get over her addiction with his help and the help of others around her?
A/N: Thanks so much to my beta Jenna {_chngingx3lanes } Thank you, babe for letting me know that this chapter wasn't as bad as I'd told myself it was. So , thank you so much for proving me wrong.
Chapter Twelve - A Little Bit Longer
Got the news today doctor said I had to stay
A little bit longer and I'll be fine
When I thought it'd all been done
When I thought it'd all been said
A little bit longer and I'll be fine
But you don't know what you got until it's gone
And you don't know what it's like to feel so low
And every time you smile, you laugh, you glow
You don't even know, know, know
You don't even know
All this time goes by, still no reason why
A little bit longer and I'll be fine
Waiting on a cure but none of them are sure
A little bit longer and I'll be fine
As far as he could remember, Nate Archibald hated hospitals. He hated everything about them: the smell, the worry on people’s faces when awaiting the news of their loved ones, the stale, bitter scent that clung to the air, the constant ring of a phone no one answered, the long white doctor’s coats, the squeaky crisp white floors, the bland coffee exerted from the machines, and the hard seats in the waiting room. These things just added to the long list of reasons why Nate hated the hospital, but the main one was the feeling he would always get. The churning, twisting feeling in his stomach that came with the knowledge of knowing that someone he loved was suffering from a certain problem. In this case, it was the girl he'd known for a period of time, the girl he opened up the most with, the girl he loved, the girl he didn't even know was suffering from a problem like this, so severe and devasting. After they’d found Jenny in the bathroom, wrist cut, Dan did his best to call an ambulance, his voice wavering. When the ambulance arrived, Nate still wouldn't let go of Jenny, Eric having to pull him away with Dan's help. Dan rode with Jenny to the hospital, being her only family, while the rest of the them drove behind the ambulance to the hospital. It was Serena who called Rufus after seeing the ambulance, Jenny being rolled into the back of it.
He'd been down this road before, his father being admitted into the hospital for a drug overdose when he was thirteen. The worry that his father was on the verge of dying and the sudden rush to the hospital. He didn't know what was going on at the time, why his father was being admitted, but after leaving the hospital with his mother, Nate went home to find the evidence all over the desk in his father's study. The next year, his mother filed for divorce, while Howie 'the captain' Archibald became engaged to Eleanor Waldorf. Then before he could blink, Howie was back in the hospital, forcing him to spend another stint in a rehabilitation center.
The small waiting room, tucking in the corner was tense, being able to see it as it hung above in the air. Nate was seated in the corner near the window, the Winter season visible behind him. On his left was Chuck, then Blair, both their faces solemn and sad, a rare expression for the two of them. Eric was sitting next to Madison, her head resting softly on his shoulder, sleep claiming her. Dan was closest to the nurses station, Serena holding tightly onto his hand, wiping away stray tears as they fell. Bex was in front of Dan across the room, Rufus off in the distance trying to get answers from the doctors. With all the sadness, hurt, and disappointment associated with the hospital it was hard to believe that just two stories down lives were being created, happy times for new and old parents.
“Would anyone like some coffee?”, Bex asked fishing in her purse for loose quarters. Her voice was low, although it seemed loud in the inaudible hospital.
“No, thank you.” Serena held on tighter to Dan’s hand as she answered Bex’s question. She glanced over at Dan, his head leaned against the wall, staring up at the ceiling above, taking in the different patterns.
Bex turned to the rest of the group asking them without even speaking. Each and every one of them simply shook their heads, staying silent. It was several minutes later when Rufus came rushing back down the hall, his face worried, obviously baring bad news. He was wearing a beat-up brown leather jacket, the material faded. His face was unshaved, eyes red, and tired. Everyone seemed to wake up when they saw him, focusing their attention on what news he was bringing them.
“Dad, what did they say?”, Dan asked the moment his father was in hearing distance. He was sitting upwards now, listening intently to what his father was about to say.
Rufus sighed heavily, sitting next to Bex, who rubbed his left shoulder with the palm of her hand. “The doctors says that she’ll be fine physically, not a lot of blood lost as the last time”. He ran a hand over his face, dreading the next words that were about to spill from his mouth. “…but they're going to put her on twenty-four hour suicide watch."
“Why?”, Dan asked, although the reason was obvious, but Jenny wasn’t suicidal. She was happy, or so he'd thought. “You and I both know that Jenny isn't suicidal, dad.”
Rufus nodded, leaning back in his chair. “Maybe so, but something triggered this, and the doctors just want to know what.”
“I just don't understand it, Rufus, she was doing so well,” Bex chimed in, remembering all the happy moments she shared with Jenny.
“I don't understand it either, honey.” When he'd received Serena’s call about Jenny, Rufus was in the middle of doing an interview for a local late night talk show. He’d immediately rushed off the stage, after apologizing to the host and the audience. His hasty exit will no doubt spark controversy, the news of famous musician Rufus Humphrey leaving in the middle of an interview because of an emergency. The media would be fishing for details, until they uncovered the secret Rufus kept hidden. Sure, he publicized the problem Jenny had in a song, but that wasn’t his initial plan. He’d started writing the song, a special gift he wanted Jenny to have, but after his manager heard the song, he wanted Rufus to record it, making it a number one hit.
The time passed, rolling into the next day. Madison was asleep on Eric’s shoulder, his head resting against the wall beside him. Blair was trying her best to stay awake, not wanting to be rude and fall asleep, beside her, Chuck’s eyes were closed, uncomfortable in the hard chairs. Serena continued to hold on tight to Dan, letting him know that she was there, and would always be when he was ready to talk. Rufus was off making calls, talking with the doctors. Bex was asleep, her head resting on her hand.
Nate was staring out the window, a thousand thoughts running through his head, mostly of Jenny and the time they spent together before her “accident.” he knew it was all his fault why Jenny did what she’d done. If he would have stayed with her, then none of this would have happened. Jenny would be smiling, the two of them having a great night together, one they’d both remember for the rest of their lives. They would both indeed remember this night, but not as a happy memory. One that was cold, dark, and lonely. He wanted so badly to know what Jenny was thinking at the moment, to be inside her head, seeing the reason why she’d hurt herself that way.
He dreamt of Jenny that night In his dream it was twilight all around, her voice the only thing leading him towards where she was. Her voice sounded different, sad and foreign in the darkness. The dream adaptation of himself moved towards her voice, a bright light appearing as he continued to walk, moving closer. When he was in the light, he saw her. She was wearing the blood stained dress, her hair a mess, shoes missing, wrist cut, blood dripping, thumping against the bleached white floor. But in the mist of it all, her horrible appearance, Jenny was smiling, but it was different, one he’d never seen before, instantly becoming afraid. The dream scared Nate, vaulting him from sleep, sweat pooling over his face and body.
“Nate," Serena’s voice pulled him from the dream. She was sitting next to him in the waiting room, the morning light shining through from the window behind him. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah.” He looked around, the room empty except for Serena and himself. “Where is everyone?”
Serena leaned back in her chair. “Eric took Madison home, Blair and Chuck went back to the dorms to pack, Bex is getting breakfast, and Dan is with Rufus talking to the doctors.”
“Did they hear anything about Jenny?” he asked, running a hand through his sweaty hair. He noticed that Serena was still in her dress from last night.
“Not that I know of,” she replied sadly. She could see how much Nate was hurting. He was one of her best friends and she wanted nothing more than to take his pain away, just like she wanted to do for Dan, Rufus and Jenny. “How are you doing?”
Nate sighed, glancing at Serena then back to the window. “To be honest, I really don't know. I just want her to be alright.”
Serena patted his hand in a friendly way. “She will be.” He looked at her, wanting to believe the words she said, so easy, and simple as if the situation really was. Maybe in Serena's world it was, but in his it wasn't.
Minutes later, Bex arrived with breakfast. Nate accepted the coffee she'd brought for him, downing it in seconds. He wasn't really that hungry, the thought of food making his stomach churn.
Dan entered the waiting room minutes after Bex, his face stressed. He was no longer wearing his suit jacket from last night, his tie was loose, hanging limp around his neck. He didn't say anything at first, just sat down next to Serena, grabbing the coffee Bex offered him.
Then finally he spoke. “They're going to take her off suicide watch at noon, then her therapist is going to talk to her to make sure she's not suicidal, then they will move her to a room where we can visit her.”
~*~*~*~
It all happened so fast, crashing down on her before she could even stop it. She was leaving the party, tears streaming from her face, the thought of Nate no longer wanting to be with her embedded in her memory. She loved him, wanted to be with him for as long as she could, but apparently he didn't feel that same way. According to Vanessa he didn't love Jenny. She shouldn’t have listened to the bitter ex-girlfriend, should have just gone and found Nate, living in the moment with him, but she couldn’t. Her mind wouldn’t let her, kicking her heart out of the way, what she believed thrown in the trash. Jenny listened to the harsh voice in her head, the one that always appeared just before she injured herself. The harsh voice mocked her, showing her images of a happier Nate with Vanessa, things she hadn't even see before. It showed her the ending result of telling Nate of her past, him proclaiming she carried too much baggage, making his way towards Vanessa, the girl according to the voice, he only loved.
Everything was a blur as the scissors sliced open her skin, the smell of blood laced the air, intoxicating her. She was back in that place, the one she used to love more than anything in the world. This was the only place she could run to now, that would help her, comfort her from the shattering lost. All the while, she thought of Nate, how she’d never be able to feel him again, kiss the softness of his lips, and be held in his arms. He was going to hold Vanessa now, the text messages from Nate filling her memory. It was that which sent her over the edge, seeking refuge in the world she’d left behind for months. If she wasn’t with Nate, then there was no use. He was her everything, the person that kept her sane, grounded, and away from that world, but now that he was gone from her, she didn’t care what happened to her, or where she ended up.
The room they placed her in was small, a single mattress, no sheet, no springs, no pillow, nothing. The walls were bare, bleached white, floors cold and ashy. She’d never been on suicide watch, not even in the earlier days when she’d cut too deep, almost losing her life. This was different from anything she’d been through, maybe even worse. It was like solitary confinement and she was a prisoner, hidden away so she couldn’t corrupt the others. They watched her every move, making sure she wasn’t about to snap. They'd taken away her dress, jewelry, even some of her hair extensions. The all too familiar white bandage was covering her wrist, hiding what she’d done from her own eyes.
“Hi, Jenny,” Susan Boyd, her old therapist greeted, sitting across from Jenny at the small table in the hospital's cafeteria. They released her from the small room, calling Susan to evaluate her. “How are you feeling?”
“Not good.” Jenny smiled weakly. Susan looked mush more different from the last time she’d seen her. Her sandy brown hair was gone, now a lighter shade of blonde.
“I’m really sorry to hear that.” And she really meant it, her voice genuine and caring. She placed the tape recorder on the table in between them, something she started during once Jenny first started to talk to her all those months back. “Do you wanna tell me what happened? You don’t have to.”
Jenny thought about shutting down, keeping the thoughts inside of her head, but decided against it. “I screwed up.”
Susan sat up straight, writing in her notebook. “How so?”
Jenny tucked a clump of hair behind one ear, sniffling. “I relapsed, and I really shouldn’t have because it’s wrong.” She stared at the lights above her as they shined over the cafeteria. Outside the windows she could see people leaving the hospital, going back home to the ones that loved them the most. “Everyone is going home to the people that love them.”
Susan was confused at first, then looked in the direction Jenny was, seeing the patient pickup section of the hospital. “Are people that love you waiting?”
In an instant, Jenny thought of Nate, his smiling face and bright blue eyes, but pushed the thought from her mind. He was most likely in the arms of Vanessa. She let her mind wander to much better things. Jenny thought of Eric, Dan, Bex and Rufus waiting to hug and love her. She even thought of Blair and Chuck. “Yeah.”
Susan smiled, sparkling white teeth present. “Well, that’s good. Who are they?”
Jenny exhaled, running a hand through her hair. “My uncle, Dan, Eric, Bex, and all friends from school.”
Susan smiled to herself, writing down her thoughts in the notebook. Lifting her head, she studied the girl in front of her, then slowly asked, “What about your boyfriend?”
She didn't know what to say, or how to respond. She'd never mentioned Nate. “How do you know about him?”
“Your Uncle Rufus,” Susan informed, her voice hesitant, awaiting Jenny's reaction. When she didn't start to freak out, Susan continued. “…do you want to tell me about him?”
It wasn’t until Susan brought him up, that Jenny realized just how angry she really was. Nate lied to her, betrayed her trust, and he’d probably done more than that, stuff that she didn’t even know about. He’d communicated with Vanessa behind her back and filled her head with lies. He was just like all the other boys that was nice to her. He wanted sex from her just like the others and she would have given it to him, because she loved him, but he never loved her. He loved Vanessa, that was clear. It was probably there all along but she never really opened her eyes, but not that she had, Jenny hated Nate. She hated him for lying to her, filling her head with promises he never intended to keep. He was a low, poor excuse for a man, and she hated him, never wanted to see his face as long as she existed.
“We’re not together anymore.” Jenny declared, her voice tight with anger.
They two of them talked more about school, the classes Jenny were attending, and the friends she made. Susan did her best not to mention Nate, realizing how angry Jenny would get whenever hearing his name, or accidentally saying it herself. Susan could tell that something happened between the two in order to make Jenny react the way she did. But that was all she detected, not one reason to believe that Jenny was suicidal.
After Susan explained to the doctors the condition of Jenny’s mental state, they assigned a room to her, informing Rufus and the others that Jenny was available for visitors. Rufus, Bex, and Dan were the only ones available to see her, considering they were her only family. Nate stayed behind with Serena, pacing the length of the small waiting room near Jenny’s newly assigned room.
Dan was the first in the door, smiling weakly when he saw Jenny sitting on the small hospital bed. “Hey.”
“Hey.” A single tear fell from her right eye, skating down her cheek. Dan moved forward, hugging her tight. Jenny held on, whispering, “I’m sorry.”
Rufus was next, the two of them exchanging hugs, while Jenny continued to apologize. Bex cried when she hugged Jenny, telling the girl that she was glad she was alright. She was happy to see her family, the only ones she could trust to tell her the truth and be there when she needed them. Jenny’s mind occasionally thought of Nate, wondering if he was waiting to see her just like the others that Dan mentioned. But she quickly reminded herself that she hated Nate, and didn’t want to see him.
But just like every other big situation that happened in the Humphrey world, they shut down, not speaking of it, just waited for the doctor to come, explaining the details of what happened and what the future held for Jenny. Dr. Bloom concluded that she was to stay in the hospital for the rest of the weekend, suggesting that Jenny attend their ‘Teen Outreach’ program until the end of the year, helping her cope with the relapse. The doctor left, telling them it was alright for Jenny to have visitors besides family in thirty minutes.
Bex sat down on the bed, smiling. “Nate is in the waiting room. I bet you can’t wait t-.”
“I don’t want to see him,” Jenny snapped, cutting her off, voice constricted with anger.
Bex looked confused, pushing the hair away from Jenny’s face. “Look, Jenny, I know you’re scared, but-.”
“I don’t want to see him,” she insisted loudly, catching the attention of Rufus and Dan. There were tears starting to fall from her eyes, not knowing what struck them. “…I hate him.”
“Jenny, you don’t mean that.” Bex continued to reason, not being able to believe the word coming from the younger woman’s mouth.
“Yes. I. Do,” Jenny’s voice was so sure of the words she was saying, wanting the people around her to believe her as well. “I hate him.”
Rufus glanced towards his son, then stepped closer to Jenny. “What did he do?” Jenny didn’t answer, just placed her head down, the tears continuing to glide down her cheeks, hitting the white sheets covering her body. “Did he hurt you?”
While Rufus continued to ask, wanting to know what was happening, Dan stormed out the door, getting all the information he needed. He rushed towards the waiting area where they’d left Serena and Nate, red-faced with anger. Nate was still pacing when Dan walked up to him, grabbing the front of his suit jacket, banging him into the wall, knocking over a few chairs. Everyone stopped, looking in their direction. Serena hopped to her feet, asking questions.
“What the hell did you do to her?" Dan bellowed, his angry breath blowing against Nate’s face, which looked puzzled.
“Dan what are you doing?" Serena asked frantically, trying to pry Dan’s hands away.
“Dan, what the hell are you talking about?" Nate asked confused. He didn’t do anything that he could remember being this bad.
“You son of a bitch, if you hurt her, I swear to god…” Dan threatened, tightening his grasp on his roommate’s clothes, pushing him further into the wall if that was possible. . “…I will kill you.”
“Stop it!,” Serena screamed, pulling the tail of her boyfriend’s shirt, trying to break up the altercation before the police arrived, throwing all of them out of the hospital.
“I really have no idea what you’re talking about, man,” Nate tried to explain himself, but Dan refused to listen.
“Yeah, then why is she hollering for us to keep you away from her?” Dan asked, although he really wasn’t looking for an answer.
The words stopped Nate’s whole world, the fight inside him dying down into nothing. “What?”
“Jenny said she hated you,” Dan informed him, not knowing or caring the affect the delivered message was having on Nate. “…and I wanna know what you did to make her say that.”
“I didn’t do anything.” Nate whispered to himself, confusion clouding his mind.
“Bullshit!” Dan let go of his grasp on Nate, watching as he fell limp to the ground. “…all I know is that my cousin starts dating you, then ends up cutting her goddamn wrist again. You stay the hell away from her.”
“Dan.” Serena ran after him, her hand on his shoulder, trying to ease his anger.
Nate watched them go, confused about what just happened. For some reason, Jenny hated him, ending with Dan becoming upset and attacking him. There was no where in Nate's brain, he could recall harming Jenny. He'd always been very careful with her, treating her as if she were a fragile doll. She might have just been scared, he told himself, guessing that Jenny was scared to see him after what happened, thinking that he would be upset with her. But he wasn’t. He loved her so much, that the thought of becoming mad with her made his skin crawl. Maybe he did do something, although he couldn’t remember exactly what it was, or for some reason, Jenny got it into her head that he’d done something wrong, telling her family that she hated him, and never wanted to see him. Nate concluded that she might have been upset with him for leaving her at the party to talk with Chuck and Blair. But she seemed alright with it when he’d left her at their table, she even encouraged him to go, saying that she would be alright by herself.
But why was she saying all of this? That she hated him, and never wanted to see his face. It was all a blur to him, a messed up situation he needed to discuss with her, but there was no way he was going to get to her, with Dan around. It was later in the day when Rufus came up to him. He was walking slowly, his face clam unlike Dan’s earlier.
He stood in front of Nate, who’d pulled himself into a chair after another hour of sitting on the floor. He studied the boy, smoothing down the hair on his face. “I think it would be best if you just went home.”
Nate looked up at him, the tears he’d cried earlier, dried against his face. He didn’t say anything, just listened to the older male in front of him. “For whatever reason, she doesn’t want to see you, so I’m going to honor that by asking you to leave.”
Before he could even answer, Rufus walked away, leaving him alone in the small waiting room, his entire world falling apart with no one to put it back together. It was just like when his parents divorced, no one there to help him deal with it or listen to his side of the issue. They just left him, not caring what he had to say. It happened all his life, the ignorance. He’d received it from mostly everyone he’s known: his father, his mother, his friends, his ex-girlfriends, and now the one person he always thought of being there for him, the person he loved the most. Nate picked himself off of the floor, exiting the hospital doors, leaving it all behind him.
He found himself in a bar, ordering a shot, asking the bartender to leave the bottle, slipping him a twenty. The smell of whisky laced the air, seeping into the material of his expensive suit. He continued to drink from the glass, then after while he stopped, drinking straight from the bottle, letting himself become intoxicated, numbing the pain he was feeling. It was when he passed out that Nate dreamt of her again, her bright cobalt eyes, sweet smell, and soft lips. He thought of all the times they'd spent together, laughing and playing in her dorm room or his. He loved all the time he spent with her, wishing to himself that he could change her mind, let her see just how much he loved her. Maybe it was the half of bottle of Vodka he down, or his intense love for her, but Nate bolted upright, sobering himself very quickly. He caught a cab back to the hospital determined to show her the truth.
It was easy for him to pass security, sneaking past when they weren’t looking. He explained to the new nurse at the station that he was a family member of Jenny Humphrey, saying he was her cousin Dan, thanking the people that were on his side that night when she didn’t ask for his identification. When reaching Jenny’s room, the lights were off, the soft glow of the television reflected on her sleeping face. The room was empty, no sign of Dan or Rufus. He opened the door slowly, creeping inside.
“Nate?” He jumped, noticing Bex sitting in the chair close to the wall. She stood, walking over to him. “Don’t give up on her.” Was the last thing she said before leaving the room.
He moved towards her, reaching out to touch her face, but decided against it. “Jenny,” he called into the dark room until she awoke.
Jenny stared at him, the person she missed more than anyone standing so close to her. She sat up slowly, turning the light on next to her, making sure she wasn’t dreaming. “What are you doing here?”
She didn’t sound angry or hurt, just confused. He moved closer, starting to sit down in the bed, but she stopped him, extending her hand. It was then that she remembered why she didn’t want to see him. “I need to talk to you.”
She shook her head. “No, you need to leave.”
“Jenny,” he moved closer, but she moved back on the bed, shaking her head madly, wanting him to stay away.
“Stay away from me,” she snapped loudly. “I hate you.”
“Jenny, I love you,” he declared, running a hand through his hair. “...and I'm not just saying this because of what happened. I've loved you before this.”
Jenny shook her head, covering her ears with the palms of her hand. "Don't say that!"
“Jenny, what did I do?" Nate asked. Nothing was making sense to him. Hearing the words come from Jenny's mouth was like a fierce blow to the chest, knocking the wind from his lungs.
There were tears forming in her eyes as she watched him. He looked liked hell. He was still wearing the same suit he wore to the dance, now wrinkled. His eyes were red, face sticky from crying. “Why did you lie to me?”
Nate moved forward sitting next to her, and this time she didn't stop him. “Jenny, I have been nothing but honest with you.”
She looked up at him, pulling the loose strands of hair behind her ears. “Why didn't you tell me you still talked to her?”
He was confused, not knowing what she was talking about. “Who?”
Jenny sniffled, wiping the tears from her cheeks as more fell. “Vanessa,” her voice barely a whisper.
Nate touched her face, brushing away some of the tears with the pad of his thumb. “This is about Vanessa?”
She nodded, leaning her face into his touch. She missed the feeling of his skin against hers, no matter where he touched her. “She said that you still talked to her, and she showed me all these text messages from you.”
He groaned. “Jenny, I admit that I've talked to Vanessa since we broke up, but it was one sided. She was the one texting me all the time.” He pulled out his cellphone, handing it to her.
Jenny scrolled through the text messages, seeing Vanessa's message about them getting back together, then Nate's quick reply, no love, no emotion, telling her it was over between the two of them. A tear fell onto the screen, the realization of what happened crashing down on her. She'd doubted Nate, told her she hated him all for nothing, because he just confirmed what her heart was trying to tell her all along. She loved Nate and he loved her; they loved each other, and no one could break them apart.
“I love you,” he pulled her close to him, burying his face in her head, inhaling her familiar scent.
“I love you, too,” she cried, hearing the words come from his mouth again. He pulled away, kissing her lips softly, yet passionately.
“No more secrets,” Nate promised.
Jenny pulled away from him, knowing at that moment what she needed to say. Pulling up the hospital gown, she reveled to him the cigar burn that Agnes found on her side, the one she told her friend was nothing. But it was something, permanent damage done by her father.
“Jenny, what-.”
She placed his hand on the burnt flesh. “I have to tell you something."
Chapter Eleven <<------------------->> Chapter Thirteen