i think i'll try defying gravity
today i am feeling rambly! i don't need to have a central point in everything i post so there.
there is this sort of process of learning to be okay with doing whatever i feel like doing at the time instead of what i imagine i should do given history or experience or whatever. example: if i am super grateful to masqueradestar for inviting me along to a great sushi dinner, i can be expressive and say thanks and so on, but i can also just silently internalise the pleasure if i don't feel like being particularly social - it is okay to do some of each at different times and there is probably a healthy balance for me somewhere in there. i also realised a bit of this lesson when my mom tried to tell me off for not thanking my grandmother for paying for dinner at the end of one meal which was after a bunch of other meals in which i did say my thanks. (i also made good of the opportunity to work on standing up for myself; i told my mom i was unhappy with her for trying to make my decision for me / treating me like a child, and i did a good job of communicating how i felt, and then i was silently proud.)
i am also learning that there is no judgement of whether i am being too productive or not productive enough. for example, i did a bunch of chores yesterday and today (Like A Motherfucking Adult) and so if i want to reward myself by spending twice as much time as the chores took to sit in bed and read achewood archives, there is nobody who will tell me that i have had enough time relaxing and it is time to go fold my laundry or whatever. i am in charge of that and all i have to do is listen to my mind's energy levels to find a balance between pursuing fulfillment and not burning out.
speaking of which i am also reading another good book. it is called Buddha Standard Time and it is about how to experience the nowness of every moment instead of feeling distracted and hurried all the time. like most be-a-better-person books it is mostly worthwhile for the way it is written, which is to say, extremely well (and otherwise indescribable, given my limited experience). i am sure sleepsong can also speak to how good it is. i've been meaning to take a solo trip down to the bookstore and hit up some of the points on my long-term to-read list, but i haven't had the urge to do it yet (it is a self-given "chore" that i am supposed to enjoy, so i will do it whenever i feel like i will enjoy it).
there is this sort of process of learning to be okay with doing whatever i feel like doing at the time instead of what i imagine i should do given history or experience or whatever. example: if i am super grateful to masqueradestar for inviting me along to a great sushi dinner, i can be expressive and say thanks and so on, but i can also just silently internalise the pleasure if i don't feel like being particularly social - it is okay to do some of each at different times and there is probably a healthy balance for me somewhere in there. i also realised a bit of this lesson when my mom tried to tell me off for not thanking my grandmother for paying for dinner at the end of one meal which was after a bunch of other meals in which i did say my thanks. (i also made good of the opportunity to work on standing up for myself; i told my mom i was unhappy with her for trying to make my decision for me / treating me like a child, and i did a good job of communicating how i felt, and then i was silently proud.)
i am also learning that there is no judgement of whether i am being too productive or not productive enough. for example, i did a bunch of chores yesterday and today (Like A Motherfucking Adult) and so if i want to reward myself by spending twice as much time as the chores took to sit in bed and read achewood archives, there is nobody who will tell me that i have had enough time relaxing and it is time to go fold my laundry or whatever. i am in charge of that and all i have to do is listen to my mind's energy levels to find a balance between pursuing fulfillment and not burning out.
speaking of which i am also reading another good book. it is called Buddha Standard Time and it is about how to experience the nowness of every moment instead of feeling distracted and hurried all the time. like most be-a-better-person books it is mostly worthwhile for the way it is written, which is to say, extremely well (and otherwise indescribable, given my limited experience). i am sure sleepsong can also speak to how good it is. i've been meaning to take a solo trip down to the bookstore and hit up some of the points on my long-term to-read list, but i haven't had the urge to do it yet (it is a self-given "chore" that i am supposed to enjoy, so i will do it whenever i feel like i will enjoy it).