flow, brilliance, and chilly evening air

[bubblingbeebles]

at once i am amazed that it's only been a little more than 2 weeks that i've been back in pittsburgh, and also am amazed that it takes so long to get through the ton of chores that appeared to keep my life running

Comments

[knightofstarz]

That definitely helps me understand and see from your perspective. I can imagine that being extremely frustrating. I have similar problem with being okay with pauses where no one is saying anything.

Even if I'm on a run (where there is plenty going on to take the place of talking) with you or Chris and there is quiet for more than 3-5 minutes straight, I feel the need to fill the silence with some sort of chatter. I'm certain that at least some of the time, the other person doesn't feel that the silence is awkward and that maybe I don't need to put in such immense pressure on myself to make conversation. However, even though I know this as you said "intellectually," I don't understand how to have silence be comforting and thus to give the other person the chance to speak.

I think that while these problems are frustrating, they are part of who we are, and perhaps we just have to adjust by thinking about these things after the fact and making minor adjustments. Just because you weren't excited about the potential during a conversation doesn't mean you can't reflect afterward and use that reflection period to explicitly focus (only) on what excites you about the person. In the same way, I can reflect on what I viewed as an awkward conversation or run that left me in a awkward panicky state and realize that the conversation wasn't just silence and did contain some content, and that I didn't "fail" as a friend in that encounter.

This is actually extremely similar to the issue you have except my issue happens with a close friendship that is already in place. I get used to the good conversations I have with people and think that any deviation away from really good, long, intense conversations are negative. By contrast, it seems you forget that building up to such conversations takes a long time, you can't just jump into them with every new person you meet.

So yeah, assuming what I said is a correct assessment: you don't expect amazing conversations out of your friends at every meeting, but you get disappointed when these conversations don't happen with new people. I don't get discouraged when meeting new people, but I worry when all of the sudden I just have an average conversation with a friend.

I know you mostly what I'm writing isn't particularly useful and you've come to mostly the same conclusions yourself. However, you might find this interesting, and perhaps it would be a useful exercise if you did the same for your close friends. Here are some facts about my closest friendships that suggest you should really just live in the present and relax:
-Chris and I hardly interacted for basically all of both our undergrads (> 4 years). Now she is one of my closest and best friends.
-Similarly, even as roommates, William and I kept to ourselves, and it took us until the summer and about three weeks of Chris being away (about 7 months from when I moved in and over a year and a half since I met him) until we really managed to start talking.
-Lo had been advertised to me by Bobby as someone who was like the female version of me. It took us at least 6 months to actually become close.
-I met Car during the first week of orientation, but it took us over two years to become close friends. I met Anna during the beginning of my freshman year, but we're probably closer now than we were in college.
-My friend-siblings Bobby and Kiwi I met my freshman year of high school. It wasn't until 3 years later that we became close friends.
-I met Greg during the first week of college (we were on a mystery hunt team!), and and we took a couple of years to become good friends.
-Alan V was practically the first CMU person I met in person! and we weren't particularly good friends for at least a year or more.
-Finally, you and me: we weren't really that close until the middle of your sophomore year, and even then, it wasn't until you and Lo were dating and really until after that ended up becoming closer.

There are some few people with which I built up a friendship very quickly, but I almost think that they are the exception, not the rule.

[bubblingbeebles]

i am glad you wrote this. i didn't realise you had trouble with just sitting in silence with someone or with having an 'empty' conversation with someone you already know well (i guess i get that latter anxiety too, a bit). it's a good parallel.