flow, brilliance, and chilly evening air
at once i am amazed that it's only been a little more than 2 weeks that i've been back in pittsburgh, and also am amazed that it takes so long to get through the ton of chores that appeared to keep my life running.
it really seems like i've been back for longer; spending late evenings in oakwood's hot tub and running down the stevens creek trail feel like a month or two away by now. and yet it was only today that i first rode my bike again between home and campus (i had to take it to iron city to get new brake pads and to pick up my helmet from david), and my bedroom is still only half-organised (and there's an old twin bed in pieces in the front room that still needs to go on craigslist, unless anyone here wants it free), and i haven't done an ounce of research yet (i can pass off just talking and writing about it for only so long), etc etc.
--
there's a new set of first-years; they are bright-eyed and attractive, and i duly went to a bunch of the social events to get to know them some. it's amazing how the two-week immigration course has given us all a sense of community ("well, of course we're friends and we should hang out with each other!") and casual friendship right off the bat. i mean, maybe this sounds obvious, but i found it striking when i actually kept my eyes peeled to watch the structure of the thing.
i keep fighting this tension when getting to know people; i seem to be terrible at converting "we casually know each other" into proper friendship. sometimes i get impatient and refuse to invest any effort into actively building something strong (which incidentally really hurts my ability to think about dating prospects; fruuuuustrating), and childishly deny to myself any value in meeting new people (i already have friends, why do i need more?).
(the "so, how's the advisor search going?" conversation is the most scripted and predictable small-talk ever. i feel like all it accomplishes is wasting time, not building friendship.)
and then (amusingly) occasionally i overcompensate and get too far into a "you must schmooze with everybody until you are best pals" mindset. the other day i had to talk myself down out of a panic by saying "look, you idiot, nobody ever defined 'success' as 'having made the most friends during IC'; stop thinking of your peers as inanimate 'friendship tokens' and just... talk to them! like normal human beings! relax!"
--
in pittsburgh i have this tendency of struggling to feel on top of my life, to feel not-like-a-prisoner (of old stale feelings and thought patterns...), but it is maybe coming together. often i see myself as a responsible adult, and it is a new joy.
on a monthly sort of scale, life is pretty worry-free, and my mind is clear and i am as wholesomely happy as i have ever been.
did you know that trader joe's proclaims, in their refrigerated herbs section, that their basil is kept at room temperature by their tomatoes?
it really seems like i've been back for longer; spending late evenings in oakwood's hot tub and running down the stevens creek trail feel like a month or two away by now. and yet it was only today that i first rode my bike again between home and campus (i had to take it to iron city to get new brake pads and to pick up my helmet from david), and my bedroom is still only half-organised (and there's an old twin bed in pieces in the front room that still needs to go on craigslist, unless anyone here wants it free), and i haven't done an ounce of research yet (i can pass off just talking and writing about it for only so long), etc etc.
--
there's a new set of first-years; they are bright-eyed and attractive, and i duly went to a bunch of the social events to get to know them some. it's amazing how the two-week immigration course has given us all a sense of community ("well, of course we're friends and we should hang out with each other!") and casual friendship right off the bat. i mean, maybe this sounds obvious, but i found it striking when i actually kept my eyes peeled to watch the structure of the thing.
i keep fighting this tension when getting to know people; i seem to be terrible at converting "we casually know each other" into proper friendship. sometimes i get impatient and refuse to invest any effort into actively building something strong (which incidentally really hurts my ability to think about dating prospects; fruuuuustrating), and childishly deny to myself any value in meeting new people (i already have friends, why do i need more?).
(the "so, how's the advisor search going?" conversation is the most scripted and predictable small-talk ever. i feel like all it accomplishes is wasting time, not building friendship.)
and then (amusingly) occasionally i overcompensate and get too far into a "you must schmooze with everybody until you are best pals" mindset. the other day i had to talk myself down out of a panic by saying "look, you idiot, nobody ever defined 'success' as 'having made the most friends during IC'; stop thinking of your peers as inanimate 'friendship tokens' and just... talk to them! like normal human beings! relax!"
--
in pittsburgh i have this tendency of struggling to feel on top of my life, to feel not-like-a-prisoner (of old stale feelings and thought patterns...), but it is maybe coming together. often i see myself as a responsible adult, and it is a new joy.
on a monthly sort of scale, life is pretty worry-free, and my mind is clear and i am as wholesomely happy as i have ever been.
did you know that trader joe's proclaims, in their refrigerated herbs section, that their basil is kept at room temperature by their tomatoes?