flow, brilliance, and chilly evening air

[bubblingbeebles]

at once i am amazed that it's only been a little more than 2 weeks that i've been back in pittsburgh, and also am amazed that it takes so long to get through the ton of chores that appeared to keep my life running

Comments

[knightofstarz]

ymmv on the following advice, but these are my thoughts from when I was interacting with new people:

(the "so, how's the advisor search going?" conversation is the most scripted and predictable small-talk ever. i feel like all it accomplishes is wasting time, not building friendship.)

This may be somewhat true on average, but if done right, you sometimes learn a lot about how the person goes about fitting into the politics/social structure and also what that person is interested in. You can also use it as motivation to NOT ask such questions and find more interesting ones as well, such as, "what do you like about Pittsburgh so far?" "What was your college/job/previous city like?" and my favorite: "Are you interested in X? Oh, really? I know a great place to do X."

sometimes i get impatient and refuse to invest any effort into actively building something strong

One thing that I'm sure you've realized by now but that seems to be a theme with all people but especially with you and other introverts is that you seem to evaluate a friendship's value primarily by taking into account the current state and failing to account for potential value that you don't know about yet because you don't know a person very well. The thing I like about getting to know people any people better is the realization of that potential. Eventually, if I have talked a fair amount to someone and we really haven't built a connection, then I may be less excited about the potential because by my model it has diminished significantly, but I at least like to engage people that I'm around enough to figure out something about them.

Also, something you may not have thought about or may have thought is actually bad is that I would definitely play favourites. It's quality not quantity that matters, and spending more time with people who you quickly identify as awesome will likely yield larger gains than making as many friends as possible. If there is someone you want to talk to more, then definitely take conversation out of the confines of IC. Invite that person to coffee and talk to them about Pittsburgh, what you like to do, what they should do, and why they should be excited.

That being said, if you can somehow come across as memorable enough that everyone at least knows you by name, then that later friendship-building that much easier. Most of my ideas for that are along the lines of suggesting group dinners, hosting a party (this is a really good way to meet new people even though it also may be scary or not something you are willing to do), or doing some large-scale shared activity (board games?).

stop thinking of your peers as inanimate 'friendship tokens' and just... talk to them! like normal human beings! relax!"

I think this is an important realization. I have fallen prey to this trap many times before.

[bubblingbeebles]

One thing that I'm sure you've realized by now but that seems to be a theme with all people but especially with you and other introverts is that you seem to evaluate a friendship's value primarily by taking into account the current state and failing to account for potential value that you don't know about yet because you don't know a person very well.

yes. i mean, the frustrating part for me is that i have no trouble intellectually knowing this (it is easy enough to keep in mind to the point that it causes me anxiety!); it's just there's this huge split between that and how it affects my desires and behaviour. like there's a tantrum-throwing child at the steering wheel when i'm socialising. you talk about you get excited by the potential, and i wish i could have a socially-mature adult in my brain's driver's seat like you have.

this is amazing to me; it is such a plainly obvious screwed-up wiring in my brain and yet i have no idea how to go about setting it aright.

[knightofstarz]

That definitely helps me understand and see from your perspective. I can imagine that being extremely frustrating. I have similar problem with being okay with pauses where no one is saying anything.

Even if I'm on a run (where there is plenty going on to take the place of talking) with you or Chris and there is quiet for more than 3-5 minutes straight, I feel the need to fill the silence with some sort of chatter. I'm certain that at least some of the time, the other person doesn't feel that the silence is awkward and that maybe I don't need to put in such immense pressure on myself to make conversation. However, even though I know this as you said "intellectually," I don't understand how to have silence be comforting and thus to give the other person the chance to speak.

I think that while these problems are frustrating, they are part of who we are, and perhaps we just have to adjust by thinking about these things after the fact and making minor adjustments. Just because you weren't excited about the potential during a conversation doesn't mean you can't reflect afterward and use that reflection period to explicitly focus (only) on what excites you about the person. In the same way, I can reflect on what I viewed as an awkward conversation or run that left me in a awkward panicky state and realize that the conversation wasn't just silence and did contain some content, and that I didn't "fail" as a friend in that encounter.

This is actually extremely similar to the issue you have except my issue happens with a close friendship that is already in place. I get used to the good conversations I have with people and think that any deviation away from really good, long, intense conversations are negative. By contrast, it seems you forget that building up to such conversations takes a long time, you can't just jump into them with every new person you meet.

So yeah, assuming what I said is a correct assessment: you don't expect amazing conversations out of your friends at every meeting, but you get disappointed when these conversations don't happen with new people. I don't get discouraged when meeting new people, but I worry when all of the sudden I just have an average conversation with a friend.

I know you mostly what I'm writing isn't particularly useful and you've come to mostly the same conclusions yourself. However, you might find this interesting, and perhaps it would be a useful exercise if you did the same for your close friends. Here are some facts about my closest friendships that suggest you should really just live in the present and relax:
-Chris and I hardly interacted for basically all of both our undergrads (> 4 years). Now she is one of my closest and best friends.
-Similarly, even as roommates, William and I kept to ourselves, and it took us until the summer and about three weeks of Chris being away (about 7 months from when I moved in and over a year and a half since I met him) until we really managed to start talking.
-Lo had been advertised to me by Bobby as someone who was like the female version of me. It took us at least 6 months to actually become close.
-I met Car during the first week of orientation, but it took us over two years to become close friends. I met Anna during the beginning of my freshman year, but we're probably closer now than we were in college.
-My friend-siblings Bobby and Kiwi I met my freshman year of high school. It wasn't until 3 years later that we became close friends.
-I met Greg during the first week of college (we were on a mystery hunt team!), and and we took a couple of years to become good friends.
-Alan V was practically the first CMU person I met in person! and we weren't particularly good friends for at least a year or more.
-Finally, you and me: we weren't really that close until the middle of your sophomore year, and even then, it wasn't until you and Lo were dating and really until after that ended up becoming closer.

There are some few people with which I built up a friendship very quickly, but I almost think that they are the exception, not the rule.

[bubblingbeebles]

i am glad you wrote this. i didn't realise you had trouble with just sitting in silence with someone or with having an 'empty' conversation with someone you already know well (i guess i get that latter anxiety too, a bit). it's a good parallel.