sleeping on the plane is never quite enough
i am starting to confront the way i think about depression as an inherent (permanently-entrenched) part of my life. it is frightening, for example, to notice myself taking comfort while upset by thinking about things that are upsetting in different ways (usually, things that i was upset about at some time past but have overcome), just because it frees me from the present hurt... as though i have no way of ever freeing myself from being depressed entirely; to bounce around between its different modes the only thing i know how to do.
as part of this i am starting to get a better feel for the difference, when i say "me", whether that means "me who hurts because his brain is wired wrong", or "me who hurts because of something bad that happened around him", or sometimes even "me who doesn't hurt because he is awesome and overcame that trigger". they all blur together sometimes, and i lose my progress sense.
a distant hum you remember being scared was voices till the doctor explained it was your own brain, working overtime to understand its disordered signals.
looking to put that hum on hold during break, 'cause i'm right sick of it.
as part of this i am starting to get a better feel for the difference, when i say "me", whether that means "me who hurts because his brain is wired wrong", or "me who hurts because of something bad that happened around him", or sometimes even "me who doesn't hurt because he is awesome and overcame that trigger". they all blur together sometimes, and i lose my progress sense.
a distant hum you remember being scared was voices till the doctor explained it was your own brain, working overtime to understand its disordered signals.
looking to put that hum on hold during break, 'cause i'm right sick of it.