a stainless steel road stretching off to the sky
i don't remember where i found it, but i've had this article in a firefox tab staring at me for the past couple of days. it's all about how there are okay researchers, and there are great researchers - the kind that change the world with their work; and what characterises the different tiers of impactfulness in the work that you do? and so on. i was reading it a bit ago, and caught myself thinking a couple times, this should be an obvious guide for you; how come you aren't like these guys? (better work harder), in the weird way of that particular voice in my head that blindly wants me to be "as successful as possible". and it took me a while to muster up the response that maybe - not even surely, but just maybe - i don't have to follow that sort of path to live "successfully".
all this is to say that for all the thinking about my future i've been doing, i've found out that i don't actually want computer science / kernel hacking to have such an involved role in my life. (is it cool if we just be friends?)
i'm trying not to make this realisation as an argument for industry over grad, since i imagine it's wholly possible to satisfy it (somehow) while working at a phd, but at the very least, it's a big part of why i've been so afraid of the "six years" commitment (well, it isn't like i would work fewer than six years and then retire in industry). but really, this grad thing really has been eating way too much of my energy; for one, i tend to be pretty bad at noticing and policing myself when that happens, and for two, i have no way at all of knowing how that compares to what it would be like if after this year i aimed for more grad and found a more stable mental state.
anyway, i'm trying to come to terms with this thing that i guess is just work/life balance at its core. feis was like, you like having time to explore new things, and it's absolutely true -- maintaining my relationships, dismantling my depression, living more in the moment ... all should have vastly higher priority than my work. (and that's not to mention hobbies that i'd like to have but have fallen by the wayside; i mean, i basically fell right apart when i realised i haven't truly enjoyed playing video games in years.)
i guess i have a pretty big crunch coming up for the next couple weeks, but maybe i can start building something with this when next year starts.
all this is to say that for all the thinking about my future i've been doing, i've found out that i don't actually want computer science / kernel hacking to have such an involved role in my life. (is it cool if we just be friends?)
i'm trying not to make this realisation as an argument for industry over grad, since i imagine it's wholly possible to satisfy it (somehow) while working at a phd, but at the very least, it's a big part of why i've been so afraid of the "six years" commitment (well, it isn't like i would work fewer than six years and then retire in industry). but really, this grad thing really has been eating way too much of my energy; for one, i tend to be pretty bad at noticing and policing myself when that happens, and for two, i have no way at all of knowing how that compares to what it would be like if after this year i aimed for more grad and found a more stable mental state.
anyway, i'm trying to come to terms with this thing that i guess is just work/life balance at its core. feis was like, you like having time to explore new things, and it's absolutely true -- maintaining my relationships, dismantling my depression, living more in the moment ... all should have vastly higher priority than my work. (and that's not to mention hobbies that i'd like to have but have fallen by the wayside; i mean, i basically fell right apart when i realised i haven't truly enjoyed playing video games in years.)
i guess i have a pretty big crunch coming up for the next couple weeks, but maybe i can start building something with this when next year starts.