in time i'll believe it was just an illusion
the hardest part of this decision, i think, is figuring out what hurts i should blame on being just in my head, and what i could reasonably expect to free myself of by deciding one way or the other.
for example. i'm putting together a literature review for my 799 project, and am feeling pretty lost/hopeless when it comes to finding a guiding purpose to this part of the project. (garth wants about 25 citations; if i could instead distill my reviews to only those works which are truly supportive of my own, i would have 5 at best; the rest of the job seems to be spewing hot air about things that are inconsequentially similar.) (this is all part of my general gripe about academic "publication culture" that i've become so disillusioned with this semester - another part of it is how systems research seems so fraught with haphazard projects that only solve problems if you squint hard during the right phase of the moon.) and there's this constant wonder in my head: is the grass greener in industry? what kind of perennial bullshit do they have over there instead?
and also, of course, there's the "i shouldn't be working on the weekend" thing. i turned down going out to the city with my family so i could catch up on no fewer than four daunting projects (none of which are even my research). some of these (grad school apps...) are obviously just transient products of my limbo-like status as a master's student, and so i wouldn't have so much pressure no matter whether i chose grad or industry. but i can't help but imagine being so much less chained to my obligations in industry.
for another example: more and more it's been settling for me that i need to live with people i'm close to in order to feel socially fulfilled (and living with paul just isn't cutting it). i miss undergrad; i miss by-default being around people that i love sharing and doing things with; this year has just been a constant struggle of going out of my way to fill that hole. if e.g. i moved out to california (whether for grad or for industry), i am sure this source of loneliness would instantly disappear (if i moved elsewhere, though, it would certainly get even worse). but even so - while i'm still here, i should clearly put effort toward working with what i already have - and if i can make that work with some effort, maybe that's good enough to settle for? (i.e., are the hardships i know preferable to possible unknown ones?)
augh. for a "stepping stone" to help me figure out what to do with myself, this fifth year thing sure is hard to stand on top of.
for example. i'm putting together a literature review for my 799 project, and am feeling pretty lost/hopeless when it comes to finding a guiding purpose to this part of the project. (garth wants about 25 citations; if i could instead distill my reviews to only those works which are truly supportive of my own, i would have 5 at best; the rest of the job seems to be spewing hot air about things that are inconsequentially similar.) (this is all part of my general gripe about academic "publication culture" that i've become so disillusioned with this semester - another part of it is how systems research seems so fraught with haphazard projects that only solve problems if you squint hard during the right phase of the moon.) and there's this constant wonder in my head: is the grass greener in industry? what kind of perennial bullshit do they have over there instead?
and also, of course, there's the "i shouldn't be working on the weekend" thing. i turned down going out to the city with my family so i could catch up on no fewer than four daunting projects (none of which are even my research). some of these (grad school apps...) are obviously just transient products of my limbo-like status as a master's student, and so i wouldn't have so much pressure no matter whether i chose grad or industry. but i can't help but imagine being so much less chained to my obligations in industry.
for another example: more and more it's been settling for me that i need to live with people i'm close to in order to feel socially fulfilled (and living with paul just isn't cutting it). i miss undergrad; i miss by-default being around people that i love sharing and doing things with; this year has just been a constant struggle of going out of my way to fill that hole. if e.g. i moved out to california (whether for grad or for industry), i am sure this source of loneliness would instantly disappear (if i moved elsewhere, though, it would certainly get even worse). but even so - while i'm still here, i should clearly put effort toward working with what i already have - and if i can make that work with some effort, maybe that's good enough to settle for? (i.e., are the hardships i know preferable to possible unknown ones?)
augh. for a "stepping stone" to help me figure out what to do with myself, this fifth year thing sure is hard to stand on top of.