me again....all alone....
im back for the 3rd time today....someone told me this was adicting but i never realized till now...one good thing happened today i have the big ole house all to myself and that doesnt happen very ofen....I started writing more of my book today but that ended with my brotheres presence...oh well...my life in a nutshell.....never any peace....i have gotten as far as the diary excerpt from febuary 24th, 2003, it goes a lil something like this....
"Me again, I know it's been awile since I wrote but i just haven't been up to it lately. I saw a beautiful baby today, she was born July 4th, 2002, go figure, the day mine dies, beautiful angelic face I so wanted to snatch her and run. Seeing that baby makes me miss Savannah even more. God will always be my grievance for alll that has happened to me, he will forever be the one I blame for all this. Who else can I blame? How can I possibly go to church and praise someone who tore my family inside and out and then tore my heart out with my daughters last breath? I will forever be in his debt for my children I still have and for my husband, but I will eternally hold him in my heart and soul as the "Demonic creature" with whom picks and chooses who is "stressfull" and who is "stressfree". Like a deck of cards he just picks them out, one by one......
Jack of hearts---He'll be rich and famous and never feel pain or sorrow.
King of spades---He'll be homeless with nothing to live for and no home to go to.
Queen of diamonds---she'll be a mother filled with stress, both financially and
emotionally, continuosly running thru her veins and constant
torment between her and her own mind.
Hey, let's throw a dead daughter at her too, why not?
Well that's my mind set at this moment in time.........will it change? Can I ever forgive and move on? Will I forever be filled with anger and hatred?I don't know. Guess that is something I will jsut have to find out over time....Till next time................................................"
that was my mind set almost 2 yrs ago has it changed? not really....still full of hatred and rage...very few people can bring out the best of me but the ones that can now who they are...
Why am I so consumed with hate? Look at the life I'm leading, disaster, turmoil, continues even to this date..........It's as if my life is worthless, as if I was put here to mean nothing, I can write and sing such beautiful words, while my heart continues to scream......I hate this life, I hate how i feel, I seem to be spinning out of control I jsut can't continue to deal.....
well i dont have much left to say for today...maybe tmw will be a better day.....hopefully....till next time..tata sweets.......Bubblez
"Me again, I know it's been awile since I wrote but i just haven't been up to it lately. I saw a beautiful baby today, she was born July 4th, 2002, go figure, the day mine dies, beautiful angelic face I so wanted to snatch her and run. Seeing that baby makes me miss Savannah even more. God will always be my grievance for alll that has happened to me, he will forever be the one I blame for all this. Who else can I blame? How can I possibly go to church and praise someone who tore my family inside and out and then tore my heart out with my daughters last breath? I will forever be in his debt for my children I still have and for my husband, but I will eternally hold him in my heart and soul as the "Demonic creature" with whom picks and chooses who is "stressfull" and who is "stressfree". Like a deck of cards he just picks them out, one by one......
Jack of hearts---He'll be rich and famous and never feel pain or sorrow.
King of spades---He'll be homeless with nothing to live for and no home to go to.
Queen of diamonds---she'll be a mother filled with stress, both financially and
emotionally, continuosly running thru her veins and constant
torment between her and her own mind.
Hey, let's throw a dead daughter at her too, why not?
Well that's my mind set at this moment in time.........will it change? Can I ever forgive and move on? Will I forever be filled with anger and hatred?I don't know. Guess that is something I will jsut have to find out over time....Till next time................................................"
that was my mind set almost 2 yrs ago has it changed? not really....still full of hatred and rage...very few people can bring out the best of me but the ones that can now who they are...
Why am I so consumed with hate? Look at the life I'm leading, disaster, turmoil, continues even to this date..........It's as if my life is worthless, as if I was put here to mean nothing, I can write and sing such beautiful words, while my heart continues to scream......I hate this life, I hate how i feel, I seem to be spinning out of control I jsut can't continue to deal.....
well i dont have much left to say for today...maybe tmw will be a better day.....hopefully....till next time..tata sweets.......Bubblez