lil better today.....
well im feeling a lil better today.....my sons football game is today......hes doing an outstanding hob at it.....so i am very proud of him hes nine yrs old now and he plays like hes in high school ....he is on the freshmen youth team and next year they are talking about putting him on the varsity team with the 13 yr olds .....kinda iffy about that one he is only nine u know.....but hes good so im not gonna interfere with his perfection of the game....
any how...got some bad news yesterday....keiths steroid and codine shots dont work .....hes getin worse and worse day by day...he is to the point now where i cant even talk to him about my feelings anymore...he snaps way to easily and i refuse to be put thru another wall...so i just drop it at the point of his anger and let it go...this is all i have to fall back on for my feelings....i have yet to tell him that my kidney cancer is not in remission anymore....my ovarian cancer will be totally gone in december when i have the hysterectomy ....but there is nothing they can do for the kidney....i am a type ab positive and that is not an easy match to find....it was in remission for 3 yrs due to the fact that my right kidney was not functioning at all ....so the gardevella species (cacerous substance) was locked inside and not going anywhere....they thought all wld be ok for about 10 to 20 yrs but since my last surgery when my appendix exploded they found that my kidney has a pin size hole in it and the substace is leaking thruout....how do i tell him that what he is going thru is hard enough and that his wife may not be here long enough to help him thru his own turmoil...i cant bear to say it to him.....i have decided to just let it go and go on with life as it is....he is going thru way too much pain right now i refuse to give him even more...i dont believe half the shit doctors say anyway...they are the ones who said that i was fine when my appendix blew an hour later and i cldve died if i fell asleep....they are the ones who said my daughter wld not live for more than twenty four hrs when she lived for two months...they are the ones who said that keith was fine for 5 yrs and it was all in his head and now he is dying slowly....they are the ones who tld my husband that his wife wld not live more than three months when they first diagnosed me with kidney cancer and now i am still here three yrs later....so i wil just go on with life as it is and when god is ready to take me he will.....there is no stopping that....but as of right now i am ok....i still get sick from time to time and its hard trying to fool the ones i love.....my best friend asked me last week what was wrong as we were sitting in my brothers resteraunt and i just said i was tired ...i was tired....i just cldnt bear to explain the situation to him....im sorry for lying to him i really truelly am but its jsut something i am trying so hard to block out for the time being....i have yet to fullfill my dreams and at this point i regret never doing so....i will never be what i wanted to be and that hurts...but i must go on and life is still going strong...i have and always willl be the strength in my family whether it be for my children , parents, husband, and even my only brother , but i cannot change that for if i do they will know something is wrong....all i can think of is what will they do when im gone whether it be this year or twenty yrs from now....i have always been the one they call for everything and i dont think they will be able to function properly without my shoulder or my helping hand....thats it though i have to go on as if nothing is wrong my family will not understand any how they will just make matters worse...
I will do what i set out to do and i will accomplish everything i wanted to before the end draws near...i am only twenty eight yrs old and i have yet to live...i have lived for everyone elses lives and now its my turn...i want to write..i want to draw...i want to sing....will it happen ...i have no idea i am not a psycic....but i will try my damndest thats for sure....i will see my children succeed.,...i will watch my son play in the nfl and my daughter dance for a living....i will watch as kyle becomes a great boxer and i will cry when i see all of them succeeding in what they can....and at that very moment i will cry...see...i am a very strong willed person...i rarely cry anymore....i just dont have it in me...i have yet to cry for my dear daughter that passed ...i even interpreted at her funeral....and i refuse to do so....nothing is sad enough to cry over....p[eople tell me often that its ok to cry but i just cannot believe that when i am the one that hlds them when they cry.....i must be strong for them and i cannot deal with crying at this moment ...... crying is just not an option...
i must apologize to my best friend once again for not telling him my problem and i hope he forgives me....he is going thru so much that i dont want to burden him with even more....i dont think he understand sthe magnatude of my loving him....as a friend....he is a great person to whom i know i can always confide...he is strong and reminds me alot of myself....he is all i trust in this world.....and i mean all i trust...i dont even trust my family as much as i do him.....and he know the reason for that....
one thing i need to get off my chest right now is the point of my family....they borrow and take from me at all times and when i am the one in need they expect it back...i dont understand that....i give and give and yet i do not recieve...that is a motto i live by....i give them everything they need whterhter it be food, money , love, interprting , anything .....and they always ask for everything back that they do for me which is not much....lots of people say that what im doing for them is normal but in my eyes i percieve it as very abnormal...familys give to each other no questions asked but not mine its them them them and never me....they think cuz i have my own house , cars, great job and everything i can afford to do it and they are very much mistaken i have downsized so much due to allt his keith shit.....his medical bills alone cost me over 3 grand a month and when i make only 6 grand a month it dont leave much afte the bills are paid too....insurance dont cover much when it comes to mris once a week they might cover one but not 4 and at 1200 a pop it gets a little much....and now my own health problems on top of it just make everything ten times worse....i have even thought of filing for bankruptcy just to get some of the bills vanquished but that is way too much depressin for me to handle right now....i have great credit and always have so i dont really wanna jeopardize the one thing i have perfected in life...but the bills jsut keep adding up...my house alone absorbs over a grand a month ......i dont know what im gonna do at this point....maybe od like marilyn and then everyone will know my name....they say that every writer or artist is well known after they die....well haha that is something i jsut am not strong enough to do...i guess i am a wimp when it comes to that much pain....
well i am gonna clos ethis before i ramble on and on anymore...gotta get ready for the game....
oh what if my life was different? what if it was turned around?
i would be someone great i would be a writer or star bound...
oh what if i went with my love of many years ago?
i would be someone loved i would give love and love would show....
oh what if i had no chldren? if marriage i never knew?
i would not be whom i am today...my chldren i love and cherish with them i will always be true..........
tata for now sweets.....bubblez
any how...got some bad news yesterday....keiths steroid and codine shots dont work .....hes getin worse and worse day by day...he is to the point now where i cant even talk to him about my feelings anymore...he snaps way to easily and i refuse to be put thru another wall...so i just drop it at the point of his anger and let it go...this is all i have to fall back on for my feelings....i have yet to tell him that my kidney cancer is not in remission anymore....my ovarian cancer will be totally gone in december when i have the hysterectomy ....but there is nothing they can do for the kidney....i am a type ab positive and that is not an easy match to find....it was in remission for 3 yrs due to the fact that my right kidney was not functioning at all ....so the gardevella species (cacerous substance) was locked inside and not going anywhere....they thought all wld be ok for about 10 to 20 yrs but since my last surgery when my appendix exploded they found that my kidney has a pin size hole in it and the substace is leaking thruout....how do i tell him that what he is going thru is hard enough and that his wife may not be here long enough to help him thru his own turmoil...i cant bear to say it to him.....i have decided to just let it go and go on with life as it is....he is going thru way too much pain right now i refuse to give him even more...i dont believe half the shit doctors say anyway...they are the ones who said that i was fine when my appendix blew an hour later and i cldve died if i fell asleep....they are the ones who said my daughter wld not live for more than twenty four hrs when she lived for two months...they are the ones who said that keith was fine for 5 yrs and it was all in his head and now he is dying slowly....they are the ones who tld my husband that his wife wld not live more than three months when they first diagnosed me with kidney cancer and now i am still here three yrs later....so i wil just go on with life as it is and when god is ready to take me he will.....there is no stopping that....but as of right now i am ok....i still get sick from time to time and its hard trying to fool the ones i love.....my best friend asked me last week what was wrong as we were sitting in my brothers resteraunt and i just said i was tired ...i was tired....i just cldnt bear to explain the situation to him....im sorry for lying to him i really truelly am but its jsut something i am trying so hard to block out for the time being....i have yet to fullfill my dreams and at this point i regret never doing so....i will never be what i wanted to be and that hurts...but i must go on and life is still going strong...i have and always willl be the strength in my family whether it be for my children , parents, husband, and even my only brother , but i cannot change that for if i do they will know something is wrong....all i can think of is what will they do when im gone whether it be this year or twenty yrs from now....i have always been the one they call for everything and i dont think they will be able to function properly without my shoulder or my helping hand....thats it though i have to go on as if nothing is wrong my family will not understand any how they will just make matters worse...
I will do what i set out to do and i will accomplish everything i wanted to before the end draws near...i am only twenty eight yrs old and i have yet to live...i have lived for everyone elses lives and now its my turn...i want to write..i want to draw...i want to sing....will it happen ...i have no idea i am not a psycic....but i will try my damndest thats for sure....i will see my children succeed.,...i will watch my son play in the nfl and my daughter dance for a living....i will watch as kyle becomes a great boxer and i will cry when i see all of them succeeding in what they can....and at that very moment i will cry...see...i am a very strong willed person...i rarely cry anymore....i just dont have it in me...i have yet to cry for my dear daughter that passed ...i even interpreted at her funeral....and i refuse to do so....nothing is sad enough to cry over....p[eople tell me often that its ok to cry but i just cannot believe that when i am the one that hlds them when they cry.....i must be strong for them and i cannot deal with crying at this moment ...... crying is just not an option...
i must apologize to my best friend once again for not telling him my problem and i hope he forgives me....he is going thru so much that i dont want to burden him with even more....i dont think he understand sthe magnatude of my loving him....as a friend....he is a great person to whom i know i can always confide...he is strong and reminds me alot of myself....he is all i trust in this world.....and i mean all i trust...i dont even trust my family as much as i do him.....and he know the reason for that....
one thing i need to get off my chest right now is the point of my family....they borrow and take from me at all times and when i am the one in need they expect it back...i dont understand that....i give and give and yet i do not recieve...that is a motto i live by....i give them everything they need whterhter it be food, money , love, interprting , anything .....and they always ask for everything back that they do for me which is not much....lots of people say that what im doing for them is normal but in my eyes i percieve it as very abnormal...familys give to each other no questions asked but not mine its them them them and never me....they think cuz i have my own house , cars, great job and everything i can afford to do it and they are very much mistaken i have downsized so much due to allt his keith shit.....his medical bills alone cost me over 3 grand a month and when i make only 6 grand a month it dont leave much afte the bills are paid too....insurance dont cover much when it comes to mris once a week they might cover one but not 4 and at 1200 a pop it gets a little much....and now my own health problems on top of it just make everything ten times worse....i have even thought of filing for bankruptcy just to get some of the bills vanquished but that is way too much depressin for me to handle right now....i have great credit and always have so i dont really wanna jeopardize the one thing i have perfected in life...but the bills jsut keep adding up...my house alone absorbs over a grand a month ......i dont know what im gonna do at this point....maybe od like marilyn and then everyone will know my name....they say that every writer or artist is well known after they die....well haha that is something i jsut am not strong enough to do...i guess i am a wimp when it comes to that much pain....
well i am gonna clos ethis before i ramble on and on anymore...gotta get ready for the game....
oh what if my life was different? what if it was turned around?
i would be someone great i would be a writer or star bound...
oh what if i went with my love of many years ago?
i would be someone loved i would give love and love would show....
oh what if i had no chldren? if marriage i never knew?
i would not be whom i am today...my chldren i love and cherish with them i will always be true..........
tata for now sweets.....bubblez