Oh blessed, blessed time.
Wow. Christmas has been wonderful. I'm sure most of you are still celebrating, but I'm still basking in post-Christmas joy.
It was just the four of us. Me, my parents and my big brother, which we've only done once before. It was really nice, actually. And, oh, SO much stuff! Highlights were the "King Arthur" DVD (yay!), "Dances With Wolves" (!!), "The Mists of Avalon" (pretty Michael Vartan), "School of Rock", "Erin Brockovich", the Phil Collins Love Songs compilation CD, a Harry Potter QUIDDITCH(!) PC game (oh how I LAUGHED at that one. It's so great, because you can choose which character you wanna be, and if you're Draco he hurls insults at you whenever you make a mistake!), a gorgeous fuzzy bathrobe, three pairs of earrings, a butterfly necklace, a white poncho-shaped shawl (which is all the rage over here, so pretty), plus more stuff. I'm so, so grateful for every last one of them. Tomorrow I'm just gonna pig out with all my new movies and RELAX for the first time in weeks. I have ALL days off next week except for Monday and Thursday. Yay!
Then, of course, the gifts I've received from you guys. "Romeo and Juliet" from slashaddict (I wept when I watched it, but I always do), and a BEAUTIFUL scarf, a sparkly notepad, a porcelain angel and the "Mirrorball" CD from applecede. Dearest, how I love you both. I have squealed your ears off over these gifts, but I truly hope you know how much I appreciate you taking out the time you get these things for me. I use that scarf every single day.
Last, but oh, by all means not least, today I got my present from streetscribbles. Seventeen - sevenTEEN pages of A-Rok fic. I almost passed out just from the thought of it. And it's good A-Rok fic. It's beautiful A-Rok fic. She wasn't even gonna post it on her journal, because of her 'insecurities' (pshaw) about it - well, hah, I say! Then I shall post it and cackle with glee! Leave her feedback in this post, all right? I'll make sure she reads it so she can STOP BEING INSECURE, omg. I may have offered her gratuitous sex because of this story. Actually, I may have insisted on it. Read it, and you'll understand why I am building a shiny shrine over here.
Title: "Break My Fall"
By: streetscribbles
Fandom: BSB
Pairing: AJ/Brian
Rating: PG
Your love in all it's finery
Tear up the darkness all around me
Until I can breathe again
Until I believe again
Cause I'm a train wreck
Waiting to happen
Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
A wild fire born of frustration
Born of a world, oh, that gets me so high
I've no fear at all
But your eyes like midnight fireflies
Light up the trenches where my heart lies
Until I can see again
Find my way back again
Cause I'm a train wreck
Waiting to happen
Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
A wild fire born of frustration
born of the one love that gets me so high
I've no fear at all
To fall so deep into you
Lose myself completely
In your sweet embrace
All my pain's erased
From your mouth, it's all that I wish
Mercy of your lips, just one kiss
Until I can breathe again
Until I can sing again
* * *
Cold.
Naked.
And tired.
AJ stood in the shower alone.
He was cold, naked, and tired.
The stream of hot water had ended long ago and he had given up even longer before that to feel heat, warmth and life. His body felt drained and exhausted and he stood there, his damp hair and almost dry body pressed up against the chilling tiles of the shower stall.
Fuck. He had always suspected that he was slightly claustrophobic.
But he didn’t move. Couldn’t move. And wouldn’t move.
“What’d they say, Rok? How’s your condition?”
“It’s… what? There is nothing wrong with you, man! But the surgery----”
“What are you talking about. Too much internal bleeding? Complications? What the hell! Complications from a surgery you underwent like five years ago?! And… well go back in there! For Christ’s sake, Brian. Go back in and tell them to fix you!”
“What the fuck! They can’t just number your days like that. Oh, God. Brian, you’re kidding me. Please tell me you’re kidding me.”
“…You can’t leave me. Please. Brian…”
Two weeks since he had seen, talked, and felt Brian.
It hurt so bad. He couldn’t do this anymore. It was draining him of all his strength. Suddenly living life day by day was this huge bitch of a burden to deal with.
His eyes closed softly as he gripped the shower stall wall with his hands and the scene played slowly in his mind, drifting in and out like a slideshow with no concrete sound. Brian’s voice was soft and muddled as he apologized. Lumps kept forming quickly and surely in his throat as he quietly told AJ he didn’t know what else to do. Said he had been feeling this weak for weeks now and that he didn’t know who else to turn to. Didn’t want to scare Nick. Didn’t want to upset Baylee or Leighanne. Didn’t want the rest of the guys to worry.
So he decided to tell AJ. The one thing that would hurt the most.
To tell AJ exactly how many days it was he had to live.
He finally stepped out of the shower, wrapped a towel around his bottom and crawled into bed. He knew no sleep would visit him tonight, but his body was begging for rest and he had a feeling he would be needing strength for the next few days.
***
Of understanding
Four months ago:
“Are you sure this is gonna work?” Howie looked up nervously as Brian wrapped a thick slither of foil around a curl.
AJ cracked a grin at Brian over Howie’s head. “Dude, D. Don’t get your panties all in a bunch. I told you, I’m a professional.”
“A professional freak.”
“Well, you didn’t specify,” AJ said haughtily.
“AJ!” Howie jumped up immediately, the towel placed on his shoulders gracing the floor.
“Howie. Relax. He’s kidding. AJ knows what he’s doing. So do I. I’ve helped Leighanne highlight her hair tons of times.”
Howie’s shoulders loosened. “Leigh’s hair looks gorgeous.”
Brian nodded. AJ rolled his eyes and put his hands on his hips. “Get back on the seat, D. You pansy ass.”
Howie pouted as he sat back down on the closed toilet seat of AJ’s apartment. In the background was a rerun of Saved By The Bell, the voices were loud, clear and animated and put the three boys in a relaxed mood.
“Oops.” Brian said as he accidentally stepped on AJ’s foot while trying to get a piece of Howie’s hair tucked under his ear. “Sorry, J.”
AJ shrugged, feeling his heart beat. He didn’t know what he was doing. Well, with Howie’s hair he did. But not with Brian. He always felt like this - his pulse raced and his throat would clamp up dry.
Brian’s hand formed a bridge over AJ’s wrist and he relaxed it on top of AJ’s hand as he carefully wrapped another piece of foil on Howie’s head. AJ felt his whole body tingle and he shuddered quietly, savoring the warmth of Brian’s skin.
“Cold?” Brian asked questioningly, eyeing AJ’s wifebeater.
“Nah.” He was nonchalant as he took his sunglasses off and clipped them on the back pocket of his jeans.
“I am. I could use a cup of tea,” Howie piped up.
Howie was ignored.
“Voila! Oh, hun-nay. You look fab. Gawgeous! I do declare!” Brian exclaimed in a high pitched voice and snapped his fingers in a frenzy, winking at Howie as Howie got up to look at himself in the mirror.
“I look like an explosion at the Hershey’s Kisses factory,” Howie said worriedly, gently patting his head.
“Just wait an hour and then shower.” AJ said tiredly. He wasn’t going to tell Brian, he just realized this. Not Christian Brian. Married Brian. Completely and utterly ethical-I-have-a-bowl-of-moralz ‘n’ prayer-with-my-toast-for-breakfast-Brian.
Brian looked at AJ funny from the mirror as he rinsed off his hands in the sink. “I’m gonna call Leigh.” He announced. AJ nodded. Howie went to go fix himself a sandwich and AJ sat and watched TV in the living room.
An hour flew by and Brian was done talking to Leighanne on the phone. Howie had gone to rinse his hair in the shower.
“How’s Leigh?”
“Good. The weather up in New York is tough, but she’s having a good time with her brother.”
“Sweet.” AJ nodded, he changed the channel.
“Bone. What’s wrong?”
“What?”
“You’ve been acting funny all day - quiet, kind of shy. Nothing of the norm.” Brian said lightly, his eyes fixed on AJ the whole time.
AJ looked around nervously. The sounds of the water going in the bathroom hummed noisily in the background and the laugh track from Friends on TV seemed like the most ridiculous sound ever invented at the moment. He cracked his knuckles - a habit that made Brian cringe and Nick try to outdo him by gross factor.
He sighed. His head was spinning. Everything was fucked up - he was fucked up.
But he forced himself to meet Brian’s gaze and saw blue eyes. Blue eyes. The same concerned, crinkled up pools of clear blue kindness that rocked him to sleep the night he almost drank himself to death. This was the night he had his last anxiety attack. And the night he realized Brian was the only thing that kept him sane.
Tranquil blue. Peaceful blue.
Understanding blue.
“Rok,” AJ uttered, his voice barely audible at the moment.
“J?”
“I’m gay.” AJ whispered a fraction of a second later, his heart ready to leap out of his throat.
The blue eyes flickered and Brian’s slowly raised an eyebrow.
Shit. Fuck. Damn. Hell. Shit - no, said that already.
Fuck.
But Brian’s expression had gone from worried and concerned, to… not shocked, surprised or even disgusted. His face read of nothing. It was just… Brian. His beautiful Brian.
Brian closed his mouth tightly and sat back. “I kinda knew it.” Was all he said.
AJ’s mouth hung open shortly before he closed it. “You’re not… not gonna preach, or feed me some religious shit about God striking me down?”
Brian cracked a small grin. AJ thought he knew Brian well. He was expecting something along the lines of “You never listened to me before, what makes me think you’re gonna listen to me now?” or maybe a little shrug here, a little smile there. “I can’t tell you what to do, J.”
“As long as it makes you happy,” was all Brian said. And to AJ’s surprise, Brian placed a hand on AJ’s. A spark flew and AJ was very, very dizzy. He gazed up and his teddy bear brown eyes met the soft blue eyes.
He could die right now - he was really convinced of this. And it would all be okay. As long as Brian knew.
All of a sudden, a shrill screech cut through the gentle air that stood before Brian and AJ’s faces. AJ quickly pulled his hand away and Brian nervously adjusted his baseball cap.
“AJ! Brian! Oh. My. God!”
It was Howie, and his hair was orange.
Of tough love
Three months ago:
“Fuck him. Selfish fuck of a bastard. About time he died.”
Brian sat across from AJ, his face tightened into awkward features as he cringed on the inside, studying AJ.
“Fucker.” AJ muttered, lighting a cigarette.
Brian shook his head, walked over to AJ and grabbed the cigarette out of AJ’s hand, knocking the lighter to the floor.
“Shit! Brian what--”
Brian didn’t speak a word as he took the lit cigarette and placed it between his lips, promptly inhaling deeply. The cigarette promptly fell out of his hands as he coughed viciously.
“You’re a dumb ass, Rok! Why’d you do that for?”
“I don’t know!” Brian shouted back, matching AJ’s violent tones. “Because I’m just about damn sick of you throwing up that façade all the time! The ‘fuck this, fuck that’ one that you’ve worn out. So I’ll do the same thing, I’ll smoke your damn cigarette and ruin my body and hurt myself like you, is that what you want for me? To not give a crap about anything?”
“No,” AJ replied darkly, his voice treading on a dangerous edge.
“Then don’t fucking do it to yourself! Do you know how much it kills me, and how much it kills Nick so that he can’t sleep at night, how much it hurts Howie to just stand there saying all the wrong words and how much it takes away from Kevin to keep reminding you? They don’t know what to do, AJ,”
AJ felt his hands grow sweaty and tense as he clutched his fists tightly against his sides, but Brian took this as no sign of intimidation and kept yelling.
“Because they see you hiding yourself, hurting yourself and it hurts them just as much. But for God’s sake, you’re a grown man - you should be able to take care of yourself. They’re not going to baby you, but I swear - I’ll sink that low if it means you can see. I’ve been waiting so damn long, AJ, for you to just see. Can’t you just admit to what you’re really feeling?”
AJ stood there aghast, the cigarette smoke wafting all around them. He couldn’t do anything, so he studied the pulsing vein in Brian’s temple and watched as Brian breathed deeply in front of him - angry blue eyes fixated on his.
And his heart broke.
All over again - for Brian to have to do this, for Nick for losing sleep, Howie for hurting, and Kevin to be helpless.
For the father he never let in to have lost his life.
And mostly, his heart broke for himself.
Because his walls came tumbling down and as he desperately tried to pile the bricks up high - he found that this time they were too heavy and too much for him to build back on his own.
AJ let out a loud wail - that of which couldn’t even match a baby screeching after having sensed his mother leaving the living world.
And all Brian did was sit there and breathed deeply.
“Rok,” AJ whispered, his voice swimming out of his mouth in huge, heaving gulps.
“I’m here,” Brian responded quietly, sitting timidly by AJ’s side, waiting.
“Oh, fuck,” AJ said, his voice barely audible at this point, he frantically tore at his eyes with the back of his palm, trying his best to wipe away the flow of tears. Brian moved closed to engulf AJ close and felt AJ’s prickly chin rest gently on his bare shoulder - their curves and features melting into one embracing masterpiece.
“You know, this is really okay, J. You’re supposed to be feeling some kind of pain besides anger,” Brian said lightly, gently feeding the words to AJ so he could understand.
“Make it stop,” AJ pleaded, drowning in disbelief that this was his rough exterior crumbling into fragile porcelain pieces.
“I can’t,” Brian said.
His voice was muffled as he tightened his hold around AJ tighter and though hard for AJ it was to breathe at the moment - he found toxic being drained from his body and life being pumped into his veins.
“This hurts so bad, Brian.”
Brian let go of AJ loosely and took the sides of his face gently into his hands and pressed his forehead lightly against AJ’s so that they were tipped down to look into each other’s eyes.
“I’m here. Remember that.”
AJ could breathe soundly. He was broken - so many parts of him were bruised. When his dad left, the one part that was holding on so desperately to stay together shattered into a thousand different shards of brokenness. And he never in his whole life felt so vulnerable, so anew with Brian so close to him like this.
He wanted to tell Brian everything. He knew he owed him that much. He wanted to tell him the truth.
“I don’t want to move from this spot, ever.” AJ whispered. “I don’t want you to leave, Brian.”
Something snapped, suddenly. Brian’s eyes flashed and he thought to himself, his heart pounding against AJ.
Brian knew at that moment that it was much bigger than AJ’s dad passing. It was so much more than mourning over a death of a family member. It was a struggle of desperate, unattainable. A part of him had known this all along, but with AJ’s hands running down his arm, his own hands cupped around AJ’s face and the kinetic intensity of their eyes locked onto each other - the puzzle pieces were slowly forming in front of him and his heart was beating at the rate of the pounding rain outside.
Somehow, he knew the Bible wouldn’t find this of normality.
And he still didn’t want to let go.
“Let’s stay here awhile then.” Was all Brian whispered, resting his forehead comfortably against AJ’s for a second longer before AJ took Brian’s hands with his and laid them down.
Brian could feel his heart beating, the vibrancy of the pounds echoing heavily throughout his whole body as if somebody had pounded on a large gong in his brain with a mallet. His hands against AJ’s grew hot and moist and he could feel a part of him aching.
What was going on? This suddenly had nothing to do with AJ’s dad. This had nothing, absolutely nothing to do with the group or music. This was suddenly all about the strange tingly sensation that swept all over Brian’s skin and the mixture of heavy breathing and intense heartbeats.
And it was all about the thick heated desire that pressed down on Brian at that very moment.
“Can I… ask you something?” AJ asked, his voice quiet and low.
Brian nodded nervously, breathing heavily at AJ’s closeness.
AJ leaned forward and promptly kissed Brian. Brian leaned back from slight shock but found himself returning hungrily.
This was it. This was what he had been wanting for the longest time. This was why he was always staring at AJ, thinking about him.
He couldn’t stop. He couldn’t stop touching AJ, kissing him. He felt his lungs rejoicing fully and he could feel that ache fuse into this deep, thick heated passion that he couldn’t stop taking in. Brian nervously put his hands on AJ’s face while kissing him and felt AJ moan softly against his lips at his soft caress.
This did something to him inexplicable.
He was loving this, he was living to love this and loving to live this.
There was only one word to epitomize the moment. Ecstasy. Pure, hot ecstasy.
“Wait,” Brian pulled away. “What was it you wanted to ask?”
“If it was okay to do that.” AJ grinned sexily.
“Oh.”
“What?”
“It is.”
And then this time it was Brian who returned the gesture.
Of friendship
Two months ago:
Damn this.
Whenever a Jive staff member threw a party - it had to be the guy who gave you your muffins and bagels in the morning. Otherwise known as the grad school intern who just got a new house, courtesy of his parents rewarding him on getting that internship with Jive in the first place.
Everybody went, because you always felt kind of sorry for the interns. It was usually never that bad except the alcohol. That’s what made it not so bad every time - there was an endless abundant supply of alcohol and two hours into the night - everybody, including the intern him/herself would be gone.
So, Nick was trashed. He was running around giggling and making out with every pretty girl. Kevin had gone home because of a migraine and sadly, even Howie was passed buzzed and near the drunken stage.
AJ had a huge headache. He wandered around the house aimlessly pushing past all the red plastic cups filled with beer and rubbed his temples underneath the black light. The pounding rap music in the background didn’t help either.
“Hey,” someone shouted in his ear.
“Hey- yeah fuck you and keep your drink away from me,” AJ shouted back. He looked closer and felt his heart race, it was Brian. Damn it.
Brian cracked a grin and held up his cup. “It’s orange juice, J.”
“Oh, sorry.” AJ said, not feeling very sorry at all. He was pissed and Brian could tell. Brian could always tell. So could Nick, but Nick would end up snapping back.
“Where’s Nick?” Brian yelled.
AJ shrugged. “Don’t know. Don’t care. Been looking for food the past few minutes. I’m fucking starved, man. There’s gonna be nothing left of me.”
“Dude, me too. Want to get something to eat? I’ll drive.” He reached into his pocket and jangled his car keys.
“No,” AJ scoffed loudly amongst the pumping music and drunken laughter, he snatched the keys out of Brian’s hand. “I’ll drive.”
Half an hour later, a stretch of a freeway further and ten steps into the nearest McDonald’s and the two boys breathed soundly.
“How’s that… rib thing you ordered? What’s it called again?” Brian asked.
AJ made a face. “S’okay. The McRib,” he snorted. “That’s fucked up though, ribs with no bones - what a fucking abnormal concept, man. You don’t screw with nature like that. Want to try?” he offered his half eaten sandwich and pushed it further into Brian’s face
Brian raised an eyebrow. “You want me to try that ‘fucking abnormal concept’? Especially after you made the same face you usually make after Nick farts?”
AJ cracked a grin. “Yeah.”
Brian shrugged and leaned forward to take a bite. He made a face. AJ nodded.
“Yeah, I know.”
“Hey!” Brian piped up. “You want to play Backstreet Trivia?”
“Hell yeah I do! Okay, let me go first. What’s Nick Carter’s favorite place in the world?”
“The desert. He enjoys sitting on cactuses naked. Okay, mine. What is Howie’s ethnicity comprised of?”
“Me! Me!” AJ raised his hand. “He’s full Chinese! Okay, how did the Backstreet Boys get together?”
“We all met at Howie’s Hair Care Product Convention. Okay, very, very crucial. What is Nick’s star sign?”
“It’s---” AJ paused. “Fuck! I forgot Nick’s birthday!”
Brian raised an eyebrow. “Is that why he didn’t talk to you at all last weekend?”
“Shit! Shit! I called him a pmsing little bitch too when he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong! You gotta help me think of a gift! Something to make up for the shit I’m in!”
“Get him a McRib!” Brian bellowed, chuckling. “He’ll love it and everybody deserves to look like that after they’ve eaten.”
“Shut up, Rok,” AJ growled.
“Well. I guess I won this round of Backstreet Trivia.” Brian popped a cheeky grin in AJ’s direction as he leaned back comfortably in his seat.
“Yeah,” AJ said sourly. “You always get me.”
“I know. Especially last week when I asked you how many tattoos AJ McLean had.”
“Hey. How was I supposed to know?” AJ protested.
Brian laughed as he studied AJ carefully. He always felt sort of at peace when spending time with AJ. But what was worse, he always felt this urge to push AJ back against the seat and kiss him. Last time, that ended up in something the Bible definitely wouldn’t approve of.
“AJ…” Brian hesitated. He didn’t know what to say. He liked spending time with AJ. But was it normal? To spend this much time with your best friend? And dude, what was he supposed to say anyway? I don’t think we should see each other anymore? That was for when you were dating someone.
Wait. Are you dating AJ? When you’re… married?
But, all the things you two did…
“Rok.” AJ interrupted Brian’s thoughts.
“Mm?”
“I… I’m just so fucking happy.” AJ said, biting his lower lip and looking at Brian earnestly. He felt like crying. “Thanks for coming today, man. That means a lot. That you didn’t drink either, and that you understand.”
And all else was shot out the window. All of Brian’s insecurities about this relationship, his hesitance with the thoughts of Leighanne in the back of his mind. All of that meant nothing to him at this point when he had melted.
“Dude!” Brian cracked an endearing grin and leaned over to wrap AJ in a hug. “I love you, man! Even if you eat the weirdest food.”
Brian felt better. He always did. AJ always made him feel comfortable about being who he was.
“Hey, AJ.”
AJ looked up.
Brian held up the cup and smiled. “Cheers.”
AJ grinned back. “I’ll drink to that. Hey, I’m gonna order another one of those McRib things, you want?”
I am thinking it’s a sign
That the freckles in our eyes are mirror images
And when we kiss - they’re perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate
That God himself did make us into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces formed of clay
And true - it may seem like a stretch
But it’s thoughts like this that catch my troubles
And when you’re away and I am missing you to death…
They will see us waving from such great heights
“Come down now,” they’ll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
“Come down now,” but we’ll stay…
Of conflict:
One month ago:
“What happened?” AJ asked when Brian sat across from him, a small cup of coffee in his hands. Brian looked pale.
“I told Leighanne.”
“What? About us?”
“Yeah.” Brian said softly. “Everything.”
AJ looked over at Brian. “What’s going to happen now?”
Brian hesitantly looked into AJ’s eyes and took his hand. His fingers laced through AJ’s and AJ could feel his slight tremble, that unfamiliar coldness.
“I don’t know,” Brian had said.
But he never let go.
* * *
AJ shivered as he curled up in his blankets. The flashing red numbers on his nightstand said 11. Still kind of early for him. At this very moment, Brian was sleeping sound with Leighanne.
This was his last night, according to the doctors who had ordered him to go home.
Make the best of your last days, the doctors told him to do. Make sure your last minutes in this world are in a warm bed, next to your wife - the one person you vowed to love the most.
“Fuck,” AJ whispered, he couldn’t even cry now. It was all his fault. He had fucking two weeks to get to Brian. Two weeks to do all that he could with the one person he loved. And he didn’t. Because he was a fucking coward. Because he was too scared.
And Brian never came to him. But Brian did call him in the beginning, and AJ never answered - so Brian stopped calling.
“Fuck!” AJ said again as he got up abruptly, pulling all his thick layers of blankets off him. He couldn’t take this. He had to see Brian. This was it, Brian was going and AJ knew he would regret it for the rest of his life - and then some, if he didn’t make this effort to see Brian.
He grabbed his lighter from the nightstand and hastily lit up a cigarette as he shoved his feet into a pair of flip flop sandals that lay near his bed.
It was as soon as he pried his door open and prepared to charge when he realized he would be charging straight into Brian Thomas Littrell.
He had a thin blanket wrapped around his shoulders and his eyes looked bloodshot. Brian’s caramel chestnut curls fell awkwardly around his forehead as he looked directly at AJ. His teeth were chattering as he spoke.
“W-why are you smoking again, J?”
And with that, AJ let his mouth hang open, not caring that the cigarette fell straight out of his mouth. He wasn’t even sure if he closed the door behind him but all he remembered was taking Brian into his arms.
“I was gonna come to you,” AJ had whispered, putting his arms around Brian. “I can’t believe you came. You shouldn’t have, Rok. You’re weak, you need your rest.”
“I-I couldn’t rest. I had to see you and remind you o-one last time not to start drinking again,” Brian said, attempting a cheeky smile but making it only to a half grin.
“You’re an idiot, Rok,” AJ whispered tenderly, his rough chin pressed up against Brian’s forehead as Brian’s limp figure crumbled into his arms. Brian’s body was cold and stiff from being outside and AJ’s body was warm and rumpled from having tossed a marathon in bed. Together, their tones meshed and molded together as AJ walked Brian carefully over to his bed.
Brian sat upright and looked at AJ.
“Leighanne’s okay? And Baylee?”
“They’re both sleeping, I didn’t tell them. I didn’t have the heart to.”
AJ sucked in his breath. But Brian had told him. Told him exactly how many days he had left to die, it was like watching a bullet sail slowly through the air at your vibrantly beating heart. Anticipating the death of yourself was no fun.
AJ turned off the light as Brian crawled underneath AJ’s blankets with him. AJ held him close and eased Brian’s shaking, and carefully tucked the warm blankets all around Brian, who was fragile at this very moment.
By now, Brian knew. He knew that no straight man would want to fall and sleep in the arms of another man like this. He knew that his heart was sighing with such a rush of relief that this must have been something other than friendship. He was sure now. So sure of AJ. In his last waking moments, he only knew that he wanted to be with AJ.
“Rok.” AJ’s whispery roughness interrupted his thoughts. “Can I ask you something?”
“Hmm?”
“What does this all mean?”
“What? Me dying?”
“No,” AJ almost wanted to laugh. “You and me. These past few weeks.”
He was too afraid of the answer, but he had to know.
Brian turned over directly to look AJ in the eyes. The night glow fell upon them both and there was soft darkness that he found comforting about laying here in the midnight blue with AJ.
“What are you talking about? Us?”
“Is there an us?”
“Of course! What did you think; you were my ‘gay exploration’ project or something? Or that I was some kind of slut?”
“A little bit of both,” AJ said and Brian saw his grin in the dark.
“It’s not, J.” Brian was serious now as he reached a hand over to pull AJ’s face closer to his. “It was something much more.”
AJ sighed softly.
“I love you,” Brian said. “Did you know that? These last few weeks have been incredible, J. Because you really made me see love. I do love Leigh, but with you… it was on another level, something I never expected.”
“I didn’t know any of this,” AJ stammered. “I really… I thought---”
“Thought I was a slut?” Brian teased.
“Yeah. I mean, no. I didn’t know you… you felt the same way.”
“Well,” Brian said lightly. “Good thing I told you before I wasn’t able to, huh?” He chuckled.
AJ’s features tensed. “Don’t joke,” he pleaded, his voice low and edgy.
“Hey,” Brian said, pulling AJ closer to him. “It’s okay, J. I’m prepared.”
“I’m not,” AJ whispered. He balled up his fists tightly and turned his back to Brian so that he couldn’t see the tears welling up in his eyes. Fuck me, he thought angrily to himself, I’m being a fucking pansy during the last possible appropriate moment for me to be like this. You love him - be strong for him.
Because Brian had always been strong for AJ.
“What am I supposed to do now?” AJ asked bluntly, his backside still to Brian. “Without you, how am I supposed to live?” He tried to keep from shaking.
“AJ,” Brian began. “I find it hard that someone like you isn’t able to get another boyfriend just like that.”
“No,” AJ cried softly, turning back around to face Brian. “I don’t want to think about that. I don’t want anyone else but you. You and me, Brian. We go together so well, we just do. You’re like half of me - my better half.”
“AJ----”
AJ breathed deeply “How am I going to make it after this? Rok, you break every one of my falls. You’ve always done that for me. Now what? I don’t even want to think about it.”
“Just focus on now then, J, before we lose that, too. I’ve lost too much time with you. Just stay here with me right now. And let’s just do together what we do best and maybe you’ll end up taking that part of me with you for tomorrow. And the rest of your life.”
Brian coughed and AJ trembled.
“Okay,” he whispered. God, he hated how that sounded. Suddenly, the rest of your life sounded like a hell of an unbearably eternity.
Brian coughed harder and felt his eyelids growing heavy.
Felt his vision growing darker.
He struggled to hold onto AJ tighter. Brian was growing number, more worn and weak and he fought hard so that the embrace was tight enough for him to feel.
It was soon that all he could feel were AJ’s hands holding his in the soft dark of night
“I love you,” Brian murmured, sighing softly.
AJ smiled to himself sleepily. He felt at peace with Brian next to him. He didn’t want morning to come, ever. Please, don’t let tomorrow come too soon, he prayed.
Let’s just do together what we do best.
So AJ sang.
“Can you see me, here I am?” he began softly. “Standing here where I’ve always been. And when words are not enough… I come inside your heart and still find…” he sang quietly “…you’re my favorite place to hide.”
“I love you, Blue Eyes.”
Brian didn’t respond, but AJ kept singing.
* * *
Wish enough, wise man'll tell you a lie
Window broke, torn up screens
Who'd have thought that you'd dream
Of a single tragic scene
I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna take it off of you
Cause, Blue Eyes…
You are all that I need
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the sweet to my mean
Fess it up, dot on the palm of your hand
I can help you to stand
Saved it up for this dance
Tell me all the things you can
I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna be the one that's true
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes…
All the lights on and you are alive
But you can't point the way to your heart
So sublime, when the stars are aligned
But you don't know
You don't know the greatness you are
Cause Blue Eyes
You are destiny's scene
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna be the one
I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna get it on with you
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna sing a song with you…
Lyrics used, respectively:
Sarah McLachlan - Train Wreck
The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
Cary Brothers - Blue Eyes
It was just the four of us. Me, my parents and my big brother, which we've only done once before. It was really nice, actually. And, oh, SO much stuff! Highlights were the "King Arthur" DVD (yay!), "Dances With Wolves" (!!), "The Mists of Avalon" (pretty Michael Vartan), "School of Rock", "Erin Brockovich", the Phil Collins Love Songs compilation CD, a Harry Potter QUIDDITCH(!) PC game (oh how I LAUGHED at that one. It's so great, because you can choose which character you wanna be, and if you're Draco he hurls insults at you whenever you make a mistake!), a gorgeous fuzzy bathrobe, three pairs of earrings, a butterfly necklace, a white poncho-shaped shawl (which is all the rage over here, so pretty), plus more stuff. I'm so, so grateful for every last one of them. Tomorrow I'm just gonna pig out with all my new movies and RELAX for the first time in weeks. I have ALL days off next week except for Monday and Thursday. Yay!
Then, of course, the gifts I've received from you guys. "Romeo and Juliet" from slashaddict (I wept when I watched it, but I always do), and a BEAUTIFUL scarf, a sparkly notepad, a porcelain angel and the "Mirrorball" CD from applecede. Dearest, how I love you both. I have squealed your ears off over these gifts, but I truly hope you know how much I appreciate you taking out the time you get these things for me. I use that scarf every single day.
Last, but oh, by all means not least, today I got my present from streetscribbles. Seventeen - sevenTEEN pages of A-Rok fic. I almost passed out just from the thought of it. And it's good A-Rok fic. It's beautiful A-Rok fic. She wasn't even gonna post it on her journal, because of her 'insecurities' (pshaw) about it - well, hah, I say! Then I shall post it and cackle with glee! Leave her feedback in this post, all right? I'll make sure she reads it so she can STOP BEING INSECURE, omg. I may have offered her gratuitous sex because of this story. Actually, I may have insisted on it. Read it, and you'll understand why I am building a shiny shrine over here.
Title: "Break My Fall"
By: streetscribbles
Fandom: BSB
Pairing: AJ/Brian
Rating: PG
Your love in all it's finery
Tear up the darkness all around me
Until I can breathe again
Until I believe again
Cause I'm a train wreck
Waiting to happen
Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
A wild fire born of frustration
Born of a world, oh, that gets me so high
I've no fear at all
But your eyes like midnight fireflies
Light up the trenches where my heart lies
Until I can see again
Find my way back again
Cause I'm a train wreck
Waiting to happen
Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
A wild fire born of frustration
born of the one love that gets me so high
I've no fear at all
To fall so deep into you
Lose myself completely
In your sweet embrace
All my pain's erased
From your mouth, it's all that I wish
Mercy of your lips, just one kiss
Until I can breathe again
Until I can sing again
* * *
Cold.
Naked.
And tired.
AJ stood in the shower alone.
He was cold, naked, and tired.
The stream of hot water had ended long ago and he had given up even longer before that to feel heat, warmth and life. His body felt drained and exhausted and he stood there, his damp hair and almost dry body pressed up against the chilling tiles of the shower stall.
Fuck. He had always suspected that he was slightly claustrophobic.
But he didn’t move. Couldn’t move. And wouldn’t move.
“What’d they say, Rok? How’s your condition?”
“It’s… what? There is nothing wrong with you, man! But the surgery----”
“What are you talking about. Too much internal bleeding? Complications? What the hell! Complications from a surgery you underwent like five years ago?! And… well go back in there! For Christ’s sake, Brian. Go back in and tell them to fix you!”
“What the fuck! They can’t just number your days like that. Oh, God. Brian, you’re kidding me. Please tell me you’re kidding me.”
“…You can’t leave me. Please. Brian…”
Two weeks since he had seen, talked, and felt Brian.
It hurt so bad. He couldn’t do this anymore. It was draining him of all his strength. Suddenly living life day by day was this huge bitch of a burden to deal with.
His eyes closed softly as he gripped the shower stall wall with his hands and the scene played slowly in his mind, drifting in and out like a slideshow with no concrete sound. Brian’s voice was soft and muddled as he apologized. Lumps kept forming quickly and surely in his throat as he quietly told AJ he didn’t know what else to do. Said he had been feeling this weak for weeks now and that he didn’t know who else to turn to. Didn’t want to scare Nick. Didn’t want to upset Baylee or Leighanne. Didn’t want the rest of the guys to worry.
So he decided to tell AJ. The one thing that would hurt the most.
To tell AJ exactly how many days it was he had to live.
He finally stepped out of the shower, wrapped a towel around his bottom and crawled into bed. He knew no sleep would visit him tonight, but his body was begging for rest and he had a feeling he would be needing strength for the next few days.
***
Of understanding
Four months ago:
“Are you sure this is gonna work?” Howie looked up nervously as Brian wrapped a thick slither of foil around a curl.
AJ cracked a grin at Brian over Howie’s head. “Dude, D. Don’t get your panties all in a bunch. I told you, I’m a professional.”
“A professional freak.”
“Well, you didn’t specify,” AJ said haughtily.
“AJ!” Howie jumped up immediately, the towel placed on his shoulders gracing the floor.
“Howie. Relax. He’s kidding. AJ knows what he’s doing. So do I. I’ve helped Leighanne highlight her hair tons of times.”
Howie’s shoulders loosened. “Leigh’s hair looks gorgeous.”
Brian nodded. AJ rolled his eyes and put his hands on his hips. “Get back on the seat, D. You pansy ass.”
Howie pouted as he sat back down on the closed toilet seat of AJ’s apartment. In the background was a rerun of Saved By The Bell, the voices were loud, clear and animated and put the three boys in a relaxed mood.
“Oops.” Brian said as he accidentally stepped on AJ’s foot while trying to get a piece of Howie’s hair tucked under his ear. “Sorry, J.”
AJ shrugged, feeling his heart beat. He didn’t know what he was doing. Well, with Howie’s hair he did. But not with Brian. He always felt like this - his pulse raced and his throat would clamp up dry.
Brian’s hand formed a bridge over AJ’s wrist and he relaxed it on top of AJ’s hand as he carefully wrapped another piece of foil on Howie’s head. AJ felt his whole body tingle and he shuddered quietly, savoring the warmth of Brian’s skin.
“Cold?” Brian asked questioningly, eyeing AJ’s wifebeater.
“Nah.” He was nonchalant as he took his sunglasses off and clipped them on the back pocket of his jeans.
“I am. I could use a cup of tea,” Howie piped up.
Howie was ignored.
“Voila! Oh, hun-nay. You look fab. Gawgeous! I do declare!” Brian exclaimed in a high pitched voice and snapped his fingers in a frenzy, winking at Howie as Howie got up to look at himself in the mirror.
“I look like an explosion at the Hershey’s Kisses factory,” Howie said worriedly, gently patting his head.
“Just wait an hour and then shower.” AJ said tiredly. He wasn’t going to tell Brian, he just realized this. Not Christian Brian. Married Brian. Completely and utterly ethical-I-have-a-bowl-of-moralz ‘n’ prayer-with-my-toast-for-breakfast-Brian.
Brian looked at AJ funny from the mirror as he rinsed off his hands in the sink. “I’m gonna call Leigh.” He announced. AJ nodded. Howie went to go fix himself a sandwich and AJ sat and watched TV in the living room.
An hour flew by and Brian was done talking to Leighanne on the phone. Howie had gone to rinse his hair in the shower.
“How’s Leigh?”
“Good. The weather up in New York is tough, but she’s having a good time with her brother.”
“Sweet.” AJ nodded, he changed the channel.
“Bone. What’s wrong?”
“What?”
“You’ve been acting funny all day - quiet, kind of shy. Nothing of the norm.” Brian said lightly, his eyes fixed on AJ the whole time.
AJ looked around nervously. The sounds of the water going in the bathroom hummed noisily in the background and the laugh track from Friends on TV seemed like the most ridiculous sound ever invented at the moment. He cracked his knuckles - a habit that made Brian cringe and Nick try to outdo him by gross factor.
He sighed. His head was spinning. Everything was fucked up - he was fucked up.
But he forced himself to meet Brian’s gaze and saw blue eyes. Blue eyes. The same concerned, crinkled up pools of clear blue kindness that rocked him to sleep the night he almost drank himself to death. This was the night he had his last anxiety attack. And the night he realized Brian was the only thing that kept him sane.
Tranquil blue. Peaceful blue.
Understanding blue.
“Rok,” AJ uttered, his voice barely audible at the moment.
“J?”
“I’m gay.” AJ whispered a fraction of a second later, his heart ready to leap out of his throat.
The blue eyes flickered and Brian’s slowly raised an eyebrow.
Shit. Fuck. Damn. Hell. Shit - no, said that already.
Fuck.
But Brian’s expression had gone from worried and concerned, to… not shocked, surprised or even disgusted. His face read of nothing. It was just… Brian. His beautiful Brian.
Brian closed his mouth tightly and sat back. “I kinda knew it.” Was all he said.
AJ’s mouth hung open shortly before he closed it. “You’re not… not gonna preach, or feed me some religious shit about God striking me down?”
Brian cracked a small grin. AJ thought he knew Brian well. He was expecting something along the lines of “You never listened to me before, what makes me think you’re gonna listen to me now?” or maybe a little shrug here, a little smile there. “I can’t tell you what to do, J.”
“As long as it makes you happy,” was all Brian said. And to AJ’s surprise, Brian placed a hand on AJ’s. A spark flew and AJ was very, very dizzy. He gazed up and his teddy bear brown eyes met the soft blue eyes.
He could die right now - he was really convinced of this. And it would all be okay. As long as Brian knew.
All of a sudden, a shrill screech cut through the gentle air that stood before Brian and AJ’s faces. AJ quickly pulled his hand away and Brian nervously adjusted his baseball cap.
“AJ! Brian! Oh. My. God!”
It was Howie, and his hair was orange.
Of tough love
Three months ago:
“Fuck him. Selfish fuck of a bastard. About time he died.”
Brian sat across from AJ, his face tightened into awkward features as he cringed on the inside, studying AJ.
“Fucker.” AJ muttered, lighting a cigarette.
Brian shook his head, walked over to AJ and grabbed the cigarette out of AJ’s hand, knocking the lighter to the floor.
“Shit! Brian what--”
Brian didn’t speak a word as he took the lit cigarette and placed it between his lips, promptly inhaling deeply. The cigarette promptly fell out of his hands as he coughed viciously.
“You’re a dumb ass, Rok! Why’d you do that for?”
“I don’t know!” Brian shouted back, matching AJ’s violent tones. “Because I’m just about damn sick of you throwing up that façade all the time! The ‘fuck this, fuck that’ one that you’ve worn out. So I’ll do the same thing, I’ll smoke your damn cigarette and ruin my body and hurt myself like you, is that what you want for me? To not give a crap about anything?”
“No,” AJ replied darkly, his voice treading on a dangerous edge.
“Then don’t fucking do it to yourself! Do you know how much it kills me, and how much it kills Nick so that he can’t sleep at night, how much it hurts Howie to just stand there saying all the wrong words and how much it takes away from Kevin to keep reminding you? They don’t know what to do, AJ,”
AJ felt his hands grow sweaty and tense as he clutched his fists tightly against his sides, but Brian took this as no sign of intimidation and kept yelling.
“Because they see you hiding yourself, hurting yourself and it hurts them just as much. But for God’s sake, you’re a grown man - you should be able to take care of yourself. They’re not going to baby you, but I swear - I’ll sink that low if it means you can see. I’ve been waiting so damn long, AJ, for you to just see. Can’t you just admit to what you’re really feeling?”
AJ stood there aghast, the cigarette smoke wafting all around them. He couldn’t do anything, so he studied the pulsing vein in Brian’s temple and watched as Brian breathed deeply in front of him - angry blue eyes fixated on his.
And his heart broke.
All over again - for Brian to have to do this, for Nick for losing sleep, Howie for hurting, and Kevin to be helpless.
For the father he never let in to have lost his life.
And mostly, his heart broke for himself.
Because his walls came tumbling down and as he desperately tried to pile the bricks up high - he found that this time they were too heavy and too much for him to build back on his own.
AJ let out a loud wail - that of which couldn’t even match a baby screeching after having sensed his mother leaving the living world.
And all Brian did was sit there and breathed deeply.
“Rok,” AJ whispered, his voice swimming out of his mouth in huge, heaving gulps.
“I’m here,” Brian responded quietly, sitting timidly by AJ’s side, waiting.
“Oh, fuck,” AJ said, his voice barely audible at this point, he frantically tore at his eyes with the back of his palm, trying his best to wipe away the flow of tears. Brian moved closed to engulf AJ close and felt AJ’s prickly chin rest gently on his bare shoulder - their curves and features melting into one embracing masterpiece.
“You know, this is really okay, J. You’re supposed to be feeling some kind of pain besides anger,” Brian said lightly, gently feeding the words to AJ so he could understand.
“Make it stop,” AJ pleaded, drowning in disbelief that this was his rough exterior crumbling into fragile porcelain pieces.
“I can’t,” Brian said.
His voice was muffled as he tightened his hold around AJ tighter and though hard for AJ it was to breathe at the moment - he found toxic being drained from his body and life being pumped into his veins.
“This hurts so bad, Brian.”
Brian let go of AJ loosely and took the sides of his face gently into his hands and pressed his forehead lightly against AJ’s so that they were tipped down to look into each other’s eyes.
“I’m here. Remember that.”
AJ could breathe soundly. He was broken - so many parts of him were bruised. When his dad left, the one part that was holding on so desperately to stay together shattered into a thousand different shards of brokenness. And he never in his whole life felt so vulnerable, so anew with Brian so close to him like this.
He wanted to tell Brian everything. He knew he owed him that much. He wanted to tell him the truth.
“I don’t want to move from this spot, ever.” AJ whispered. “I don’t want you to leave, Brian.”
Something snapped, suddenly. Brian’s eyes flashed and he thought to himself, his heart pounding against AJ.
Brian knew at that moment that it was much bigger than AJ’s dad passing. It was so much more than mourning over a death of a family member. It was a struggle of desperate, unattainable. A part of him had known this all along, but with AJ’s hands running down his arm, his own hands cupped around AJ’s face and the kinetic intensity of their eyes locked onto each other - the puzzle pieces were slowly forming in front of him and his heart was beating at the rate of the pounding rain outside.
Somehow, he knew the Bible wouldn’t find this of normality.
And he still didn’t want to let go.
“Let’s stay here awhile then.” Was all Brian whispered, resting his forehead comfortably against AJ’s for a second longer before AJ took Brian’s hands with his and laid them down.
Brian could feel his heart beating, the vibrancy of the pounds echoing heavily throughout his whole body as if somebody had pounded on a large gong in his brain with a mallet. His hands against AJ’s grew hot and moist and he could feel a part of him aching.
What was going on? This suddenly had nothing to do with AJ’s dad. This had nothing, absolutely nothing to do with the group or music. This was suddenly all about the strange tingly sensation that swept all over Brian’s skin and the mixture of heavy breathing and intense heartbeats.
And it was all about the thick heated desire that pressed down on Brian at that very moment.
“Can I… ask you something?” AJ asked, his voice quiet and low.
Brian nodded nervously, breathing heavily at AJ’s closeness.
AJ leaned forward and promptly kissed Brian. Brian leaned back from slight shock but found himself returning hungrily.
This was it. This was what he had been wanting for the longest time. This was why he was always staring at AJ, thinking about him.
He couldn’t stop. He couldn’t stop touching AJ, kissing him. He felt his lungs rejoicing fully and he could feel that ache fuse into this deep, thick heated passion that he couldn’t stop taking in. Brian nervously put his hands on AJ’s face while kissing him and felt AJ moan softly against his lips at his soft caress.
This did something to him inexplicable.
He was loving this, he was living to love this and loving to live this.
There was only one word to epitomize the moment. Ecstasy. Pure, hot ecstasy.
“Wait,” Brian pulled away. “What was it you wanted to ask?”
“If it was okay to do that.” AJ grinned sexily.
“Oh.”
“What?”
“It is.”
And then this time it was Brian who returned the gesture.
Of friendship
Two months ago:
Damn this.
Whenever a Jive staff member threw a party - it had to be the guy who gave you your muffins and bagels in the morning. Otherwise known as the grad school intern who just got a new house, courtesy of his parents rewarding him on getting that internship with Jive in the first place.
Everybody went, because you always felt kind of sorry for the interns. It was usually never that bad except the alcohol. That’s what made it not so bad every time - there was an endless abundant supply of alcohol and two hours into the night - everybody, including the intern him/herself would be gone.
So, Nick was trashed. He was running around giggling and making out with every pretty girl. Kevin had gone home because of a migraine and sadly, even Howie was passed buzzed and near the drunken stage.
AJ had a huge headache. He wandered around the house aimlessly pushing past all the red plastic cups filled with beer and rubbed his temples underneath the black light. The pounding rap music in the background didn’t help either.
“Hey,” someone shouted in his ear.
“Hey- yeah fuck you and keep your drink away from me,” AJ shouted back. He looked closer and felt his heart race, it was Brian. Damn it.
Brian cracked a grin and held up his cup. “It’s orange juice, J.”
“Oh, sorry.” AJ said, not feeling very sorry at all. He was pissed and Brian could tell. Brian could always tell. So could Nick, but Nick would end up snapping back.
“Where’s Nick?” Brian yelled.
AJ shrugged. “Don’t know. Don’t care. Been looking for food the past few minutes. I’m fucking starved, man. There’s gonna be nothing left of me.”
“Dude, me too. Want to get something to eat? I’ll drive.” He reached into his pocket and jangled his car keys.
“No,” AJ scoffed loudly amongst the pumping music and drunken laughter, he snatched the keys out of Brian’s hand. “I’ll drive.”
Half an hour later, a stretch of a freeway further and ten steps into the nearest McDonald’s and the two boys breathed soundly.
“How’s that… rib thing you ordered? What’s it called again?” Brian asked.
AJ made a face. “S’okay. The McRib,” he snorted. “That’s fucked up though, ribs with no bones - what a fucking abnormal concept, man. You don’t screw with nature like that. Want to try?” he offered his half eaten sandwich and pushed it further into Brian’s face
Brian raised an eyebrow. “You want me to try that ‘fucking abnormal concept’? Especially after you made the same face you usually make after Nick farts?”
AJ cracked a grin. “Yeah.”
Brian shrugged and leaned forward to take a bite. He made a face. AJ nodded.
“Yeah, I know.”
“Hey!” Brian piped up. “You want to play Backstreet Trivia?”
“Hell yeah I do! Okay, let me go first. What’s Nick Carter’s favorite place in the world?”
“The desert. He enjoys sitting on cactuses naked. Okay, mine. What is Howie’s ethnicity comprised of?”
“Me! Me!” AJ raised his hand. “He’s full Chinese! Okay, how did the Backstreet Boys get together?”
“We all met at Howie’s Hair Care Product Convention. Okay, very, very crucial. What is Nick’s star sign?”
“It’s---” AJ paused. “Fuck! I forgot Nick’s birthday!”
Brian raised an eyebrow. “Is that why he didn’t talk to you at all last weekend?”
“Shit! Shit! I called him a pmsing little bitch too when he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong! You gotta help me think of a gift! Something to make up for the shit I’m in!”
“Get him a McRib!” Brian bellowed, chuckling. “He’ll love it and everybody deserves to look like that after they’ve eaten.”
“Shut up, Rok,” AJ growled.
“Well. I guess I won this round of Backstreet Trivia.” Brian popped a cheeky grin in AJ’s direction as he leaned back comfortably in his seat.
“Yeah,” AJ said sourly. “You always get me.”
“I know. Especially last week when I asked you how many tattoos AJ McLean had.”
“Hey. How was I supposed to know?” AJ protested.
Brian laughed as he studied AJ carefully. He always felt sort of at peace when spending time with AJ. But what was worse, he always felt this urge to push AJ back against the seat and kiss him. Last time, that ended up in something the Bible definitely wouldn’t approve of.
“AJ…” Brian hesitated. He didn’t know what to say. He liked spending time with AJ. But was it normal? To spend this much time with your best friend? And dude, what was he supposed to say anyway? I don’t think we should see each other anymore? That was for when you were dating someone.
Wait. Are you dating AJ? When you’re… married?
But, all the things you two did…
“Rok.” AJ interrupted Brian’s thoughts.
“Mm?”
“I… I’m just so fucking happy.” AJ said, biting his lower lip and looking at Brian earnestly. He felt like crying. “Thanks for coming today, man. That means a lot. That you didn’t drink either, and that you understand.”
And all else was shot out the window. All of Brian’s insecurities about this relationship, his hesitance with the thoughts of Leighanne in the back of his mind. All of that meant nothing to him at this point when he had melted.
“Dude!” Brian cracked an endearing grin and leaned over to wrap AJ in a hug. “I love you, man! Even if you eat the weirdest food.”
Brian felt better. He always did. AJ always made him feel comfortable about being who he was.
“Hey, AJ.”
AJ looked up.
Brian held up the cup and smiled. “Cheers.”
AJ grinned back. “I’ll drink to that. Hey, I’m gonna order another one of those McRib things, you want?”
I am thinking it’s a sign
That the freckles in our eyes are mirror images
And when we kiss - they’re perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate
That God himself did make us into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces formed of clay
And true - it may seem like a stretch
But it’s thoughts like this that catch my troubles
And when you’re away and I am missing you to death…
They will see us waving from such great heights
“Come down now,” they’ll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
“Come down now,” but we’ll stay…
Of conflict:
One month ago:
“What happened?” AJ asked when Brian sat across from him, a small cup of coffee in his hands. Brian looked pale.
“I told Leighanne.”
“What? About us?”
“Yeah.” Brian said softly. “Everything.”
AJ looked over at Brian. “What’s going to happen now?”
Brian hesitantly looked into AJ’s eyes and took his hand. His fingers laced through AJ’s and AJ could feel his slight tremble, that unfamiliar coldness.
“I don’t know,” Brian had said.
But he never let go.
* * *
AJ shivered as he curled up in his blankets. The flashing red numbers on his nightstand said 11. Still kind of early for him. At this very moment, Brian was sleeping sound with Leighanne.
This was his last night, according to the doctors who had ordered him to go home.
Make the best of your last days, the doctors told him to do. Make sure your last minutes in this world are in a warm bed, next to your wife - the one person you vowed to love the most.
“Fuck,” AJ whispered, he couldn’t even cry now. It was all his fault. He had fucking two weeks to get to Brian. Two weeks to do all that he could with the one person he loved. And he didn’t. Because he was a fucking coward. Because he was too scared.
And Brian never came to him. But Brian did call him in the beginning, and AJ never answered - so Brian stopped calling.
“Fuck!” AJ said again as he got up abruptly, pulling all his thick layers of blankets off him. He couldn’t take this. He had to see Brian. This was it, Brian was going and AJ knew he would regret it for the rest of his life - and then some, if he didn’t make this effort to see Brian.
He grabbed his lighter from the nightstand and hastily lit up a cigarette as he shoved his feet into a pair of flip flop sandals that lay near his bed.
It was as soon as he pried his door open and prepared to charge when he realized he would be charging straight into Brian Thomas Littrell.
He had a thin blanket wrapped around his shoulders and his eyes looked bloodshot. Brian’s caramel chestnut curls fell awkwardly around his forehead as he looked directly at AJ. His teeth were chattering as he spoke.
“W-why are you smoking again, J?”
And with that, AJ let his mouth hang open, not caring that the cigarette fell straight out of his mouth. He wasn’t even sure if he closed the door behind him but all he remembered was taking Brian into his arms.
“I was gonna come to you,” AJ had whispered, putting his arms around Brian. “I can’t believe you came. You shouldn’t have, Rok. You’re weak, you need your rest.”
“I-I couldn’t rest. I had to see you and remind you o-one last time not to start drinking again,” Brian said, attempting a cheeky smile but making it only to a half grin.
“You’re an idiot, Rok,” AJ whispered tenderly, his rough chin pressed up against Brian’s forehead as Brian’s limp figure crumbled into his arms. Brian’s body was cold and stiff from being outside and AJ’s body was warm and rumpled from having tossed a marathon in bed. Together, their tones meshed and molded together as AJ walked Brian carefully over to his bed.
Brian sat upright and looked at AJ.
“Leighanne’s okay? And Baylee?”
“They’re both sleeping, I didn’t tell them. I didn’t have the heart to.”
AJ sucked in his breath. But Brian had told him. Told him exactly how many days he had left to die, it was like watching a bullet sail slowly through the air at your vibrantly beating heart. Anticipating the death of yourself was no fun.
AJ turned off the light as Brian crawled underneath AJ’s blankets with him. AJ held him close and eased Brian’s shaking, and carefully tucked the warm blankets all around Brian, who was fragile at this very moment.
By now, Brian knew. He knew that no straight man would want to fall and sleep in the arms of another man like this. He knew that his heart was sighing with such a rush of relief that this must have been something other than friendship. He was sure now. So sure of AJ. In his last waking moments, he only knew that he wanted to be with AJ.
“Rok.” AJ’s whispery roughness interrupted his thoughts. “Can I ask you something?”
“Hmm?”
“What does this all mean?”
“What? Me dying?”
“No,” AJ almost wanted to laugh. “You and me. These past few weeks.”
He was too afraid of the answer, but he had to know.
Brian turned over directly to look AJ in the eyes. The night glow fell upon them both and there was soft darkness that he found comforting about laying here in the midnight blue with AJ.
“What are you talking about? Us?”
“Is there an us?”
“Of course! What did you think; you were my ‘gay exploration’ project or something? Or that I was some kind of slut?”
“A little bit of both,” AJ said and Brian saw his grin in the dark.
“It’s not, J.” Brian was serious now as he reached a hand over to pull AJ’s face closer to his. “It was something much more.”
AJ sighed softly.
“I love you,” Brian said. “Did you know that? These last few weeks have been incredible, J. Because you really made me see love. I do love Leigh, but with you… it was on another level, something I never expected.”
“I didn’t know any of this,” AJ stammered. “I really… I thought---”
“Thought I was a slut?” Brian teased.
“Yeah. I mean, no. I didn’t know you… you felt the same way.”
“Well,” Brian said lightly. “Good thing I told you before I wasn’t able to, huh?” He chuckled.
AJ’s features tensed. “Don’t joke,” he pleaded, his voice low and edgy.
“Hey,” Brian said, pulling AJ closer to him. “It’s okay, J. I’m prepared.”
“I’m not,” AJ whispered. He balled up his fists tightly and turned his back to Brian so that he couldn’t see the tears welling up in his eyes. Fuck me, he thought angrily to himself, I’m being a fucking pansy during the last possible appropriate moment for me to be like this. You love him - be strong for him.
Because Brian had always been strong for AJ.
“What am I supposed to do now?” AJ asked bluntly, his backside still to Brian. “Without you, how am I supposed to live?” He tried to keep from shaking.
“AJ,” Brian began. “I find it hard that someone like you isn’t able to get another boyfriend just like that.”
“No,” AJ cried softly, turning back around to face Brian. “I don’t want to think about that. I don’t want anyone else but you. You and me, Brian. We go together so well, we just do. You’re like half of me - my better half.”
“AJ----”
AJ breathed deeply “How am I going to make it after this? Rok, you break every one of my falls. You’ve always done that for me. Now what? I don’t even want to think about it.”
“Just focus on now then, J, before we lose that, too. I’ve lost too much time with you. Just stay here with me right now. And let’s just do together what we do best and maybe you’ll end up taking that part of me with you for tomorrow. And the rest of your life.”
Brian coughed and AJ trembled.
“Okay,” he whispered. God, he hated how that sounded. Suddenly, the rest of your life sounded like a hell of an unbearably eternity.
Brian coughed harder and felt his eyelids growing heavy.
Felt his vision growing darker.
He struggled to hold onto AJ tighter. Brian was growing number, more worn and weak and he fought hard so that the embrace was tight enough for him to feel.
It was soon that all he could feel were AJ’s hands holding his in the soft dark of night
“I love you,” Brian murmured, sighing softly.
AJ smiled to himself sleepily. He felt at peace with Brian next to him. He didn’t want morning to come, ever. Please, don’t let tomorrow come too soon, he prayed.
Let’s just do together what we do best.
So AJ sang.
“Can you see me, here I am?” he began softly. “Standing here where I’ve always been. And when words are not enough… I come inside your heart and still find…” he sang quietly “…you’re my favorite place to hide.”
“I love you, Blue Eyes.”
Brian didn’t respond, but AJ kept singing.
* * *
Wish enough, wise man'll tell you a lie
Window broke, torn up screens
Who'd have thought that you'd dream
Of a single tragic scene
I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna take it off of you
Cause, Blue Eyes…
You are all that I need
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the sweet to my mean
Fess it up, dot on the palm of your hand
I can help you to stand
Saved it up for this dance
Tell me all the things you can
I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna be the one that's true
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes…
All the lights on and you are alive
But you can't point the way to your heart
So sublime, when the stars are aligned
But you don't know
You don't know the greatness you are
Cause Blue Eyes
You are destiny's scene
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna be the one
I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna get it on with you
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna sing a song with you…
Lyrics used, respectively:
Sarah McLachlan - Train Wreck
The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
Cary Brothers - Blue Eyes