Crystal heart(Let my heart be heard)
As the exhaustion crept me up on me at a fast rate that i had to slow down. I stopped over and had to bend to catch my breaths. But even in the midst of exhaustion and suffocation. My tears endlessly flowed and dripped like a little raindrops to the ground. My view turned blurry and i simply couldn't care less of the people who are staring at me as they walk past by. i regained my posture and wiped my tears away and "escaped" from cold walls of the mall.
I walked along the streets, i felt the warmth of sunny sun, the gentle wind and listened the music the trees around me played. For a moment , i stopped and with much pain , i prayed very hard for only God knows with my little broken heart that i just wished that God will let my heart be heard. Even just for a moment. I looked up with flickering eyes with every touch of the sun. I wanted to be with nature longer as so i walked all the way home. I do a little reflection where i realised partly it was my fault. I had known his disorder and i should have helped him instead of leaving him but ......but the scene i saw him with another is too unbearable. i cried so hard that a stranger gave a packet of tissue. I thanked him and walked every more briskly.
Over at home, the homely feeling is ever more comforting. The coldness of the wooden floor and the coziness of my cotton sofa and the softness of my very own bed made me realised how much i have not been here for a long time. While i rested on my bed , i realised i have to take things belonged to me from the dreaded house. I abruptly got up from my bed that i just rested for just five minutes and quickly dressed and barged from my house and ran over to his house which is just five minutes walk. I heaved a big suffocating breath and entered his house as per usual. I packed my things and saw him looking at me aimlessly. My heart felt like crying again. The pain is ever so unbearable and i am feeling guilty for not being there for him when he have such disorder; sex addiction.
I walked over and see him eye to eye while keeping my heart strong and hiding the pain from him as much as i can. I apologised to him for not being able to be the one who helped him fight his devils. I apologised for being a weaker end of the relationship and i apologised for barging in that day. Until my heart can take no more that i had to cry , i saw a lady walking by and frowning down at me.
" Who are you? " she asked with a frowned face.
Avan wanted to confess but i interrupted him totally and smiled like i used and always be happier this way. " He is my brother, i missed him so i had to meet him " i said as much as i can smile sincerely.
She was surprised and smiled over to Avan and hugged him and i walked off because i didn 't want to be involved anymore. I walked up the street and continously walking aimlessly. I watched the houses as i walked past and saw a beautiful house across the street.
" Woodspring Street" i thought to myself and felt that i would probably would love to have a house like that, painted in delightful greenish brown and a roof of red summer. I walked over and observed the details. I would like a cleaner yard like this and i imagined how nice it would be to grow roses and spring flowers over at the garden and a shady porch in the summer. I didn't realised how much i was imagining until a lady came up.
" Er hi, how can i helped you?" she smiled gently and i was sort of surprised and my stupidity has to come in this moment. I went dumb over a minute and walked by when she chased after me.
"Are you interested in buying because it does stated over there that it is on sale. I looked at her for a moment and i looked over at my shoulders , i turned and smiled at her .
" I would like to buy it" i said with much vigor. I immediately packed all my furnitures and stuff over at home and i looked around at my old home. The colours that i believed matched my quiet personality doesnt seem to look like it now. How time can change one's perception and the beliefs of the mere humans. How in such short moments can a person 's taste and preference change so much over times? I thought to myself quietly.
"Honk,Honk" at which i rushed over to the lorry and signed the documents and carried the rest over to the cab i called just now. "Woodspring street 142" i said politely to the driver that dressed the similar colour as the taxi , bright and yellowing sun like the vigour of the young child's energy. Do i still have that much energy within?, i stared at it. Over at the new home, Emiline i named the house because i felt that it has such beautiful atmosphere and the comforting ambience that you get at a quiet cafe, I unpacked my things and reorganised my furniture and by the time i vacuumed, cleaned and dusted every corner of my new house. It looks ever so wonderful. The colour of the walls are maroonish pink and keeping the curtains that have printed Sakura petals and delicate colour of soft purple. I loved the taste the previous owner had and i get the rest i deserved. I heaved the relief of achievement and smiled at the decor and the organisation of my belongings.
The owner does not really value its cupboards, i guessed and i felt it has unique craftmanship . The carved wood and the style it has seems to be passed down over the years. I looked over at my cupboard , broken and scratched by undenying sharp edges of my accessories and looked as if it wished to die if not for the love to care of my things.
I checked the durability of the cupboards the owner left behind, the strength and its unique smell of teak and varnish made me feel as if it is new. It is a weird cupboard for one. The craftmanship is not the same as the rest as if to differ its significance and the delicate features. i opened he cupboard 's door and there was a strong smell of varnish . I felt the chill wentdown my spine, my heart raced at the sight of the cupboard's contents. He was beautiful and different, there was no place to hang clothes or put any clothes in it. It was place to keep your treasured things. The drawers are the body and soul of the cupboard, i slowly opened drawers by drawers and imagined the hidden items that used to be in the drawer.There are a total of 8 drawers within the cupboard, each drawer are carved with its own flower. Rose, sakura,tulips, carnations,daffodils ,orchids, sunflower and chrysanthemun at the respective order.
But the drawer that caught my eyes is the Sakura one, it's design that defines clearly of its authencity and uniqueness. All the flowers are grown by stalk except the Sakura flowers that are grown on trees. I brushed my fingers through ever carving and opened the drawer where i saw a gleaming little thing. A crystal heart necklace. I wondered at the gleaming heart that shone with every touch of the sun but glitters in the dark. I put it aside in any case the owner wanted it back but in my depth of my heart, i felt a sheer resemblance to my heart. Only that my heart is no longer a fragile crystal heart that shone in sun and yet glitters in the dark. It is now just a broken heart that can no longer fix without the help of the time. I love the cupboards that i reconfirmed with the agent whether the owner is not wanting the cupboard and so , it is settled that i get to keep the cupboards. I transfered my favourites over to the "Spring flowers" cupboard. Rose drawers for rose accessories and so on so forth.
Clothings went on to the rest of the crafted cupboards i called the "Decored Spring" . I had to throw my old cupboards and drawers and so i pushed it and saw a stranger, a guy looking at me . i just smiled and happily continued with my tasks i set on my own. By the time, i am done with it, the stranger is still there. I walked over and looked at him into his depth of his eyes. " Have i met you before?" i asked politely and extended a handshake as a sign of introducing itself. He shook and kept looking at the house, "It's a beautiful house i just bought and
the owner seemed to leave behind its cupboards" i said again while admiringly looking at my house.
I realised i never welcomed him into my house , Emiline but i never invite strangers before. I gestured him to come over to Emiline. He has afterall stood there for good an hour or so. He sat down over at my reddish couch and i served him with hot chocolate and i have my own share. He looked at it and drank it slowly, he has such good demeanour. His dark brown hair, light blue eye colour and fairly tanned skin and i wondered what is hidden beneath his masculine figure. He looked so shagged and ragged, if it seems he is just finish worked. there are dust and shredded wood as if he is a carpenter. "A Carpenter" i thought bluntly and suddenly, i sat abruptly.
"Are you a carpenter? Did you carve the "Spring flowers" cupboard? " i asked him rapidly. He was rudely shocked but subtle at his expressions. He has this gentle look that you felt like caressing or comforting him, "what is with me ?" i thought. Have i gone horny over a guy who is hardly a day with you. I shook my head and focused on my hot chocolate.
"Yeah, i am the one who carved the cupboard but it was long time ago. It was for a lady i love" he said while twirling his cup. I looked over to him and wondered what happened to the owner. But i felt that it was still painful for him i guess, i felt as if i wanted to know but dared not to know. i just stared at him, the tempo of his breathing and the movement of his body. He must been hurt badly but i don't wish to poke into it.
" I see" I said and wondered whether he wanted the cupboard and remembered the necklace.
" Hey, sorry i don't know your name. I found a crystal necklace over at the Sakura drawer. It is beautiful but i felt i should return to you" i said softly. He took the necklace from me and so, he looked at it as if it was his love. At one moment, i felt as if i knew how he was feeling but i wasn't sure whether it was because of the same thing.
" I am actually new here, i just moved in today and i was so hyper about the house that i unpacked things quite faster i knew" i said randomly , i mean there must be a way to start a ball rolling. The silence is quite deafening and i felt rather complacent about it. He looked over to me and recognised me , "you are the girl that i gave the tissue to" he said. "what" i thought, he is the one who gave me the tissues. What a conincidence! i thought to myself. I just stared stupidly at him and looked away and focused back to the marshmallows i put in the hot chocolate.
He looked over to me because i felt his stares at the back of my neck and there was silence again. I looked over to him and smiled ,
" I'm felana , you?" i asked in a friendly tone or i hope so. " Heven" He answered softly. Well, it was shorter than i thought , it went back to square one. "Silence" " You want your cupboards back ?" i asked him out of courtersy and he shook his head. Then , i just told him why i was crying , i told him of my failure in a relationship with Avan. How i couldn't help Avan even though in the first place he should not have such a scene in a bed we shared together. I told him that i am abstaining from sex til marriage and felt it was an honour for my future husband. i continued with my story til i heard a grunt over to him.
" sorry, did i bore you?" i asked with a worried face. i am quite a blur girl i thought to myself and he was shaking his head again.
" Is she tall and long brown hair? with a guy who has sex disorder?" he said calmly and i looked at him and gagged.
I can't believe that the world couldn't be any smaller. i just kept quiet and somehow , i felt i need to help him because i understand his pain sort of partly. I asked him to stay over at my house because i have an extra room. so i offered him some pillows and i get some guys clothes i believed was my brother's before his marriage. On my bed, i imagined his face over at mine, his body 's strength and his smile that i would dreadfully wanted to see and admire. His muscular arms to be around me and his warmth , wait , stop. I can't believe i am imagining this, he is a stranger , just coincidence , coincidence i assured myself.
i walked over to his room and peeked through the door, when did i became a stalker? i sighed when someone hold over my shoulders.
"Aahhhhhhhhhhh , you scared me!" I freaked out. " I was just wondering whether you are comfortable that's all" i covered up my real intention and waving such vigorous hand gestures. He looked at me stoically.
" is it ok i stay over here for a while, i will pay part of the bill?" he said without looking at me . I was offended , he must be thinking that i am a weirdo. " Okay but i will see how much you used first in the first month because i don't think you will use much. I hope." i said bluntly and looked over to him. I taught i was in pain and i think he is more in pain than i do. I wanted to say him nice things but i kept into the depth of dark crushed heart.
I turned to him, "good night"
and i whisked away into my room and slept in tinge of pain and reminder.
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