I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee...
It occurred to me this past Saturday, November 5th, as I sat in a crowded classroom a little too early in the a.m. enduring a test I particularly dreaded, that I am the epitome of a potential waster.
After I literally zipped through each verbal and writing section of the SAT, I sat back and looked to my left, where a window depicted the outdoors with such surreal effect. By that, I mean that the window was open but the screen part gave the illusion that the outdoor image, which was only visable through that small rectangular space on the wall, was made up of pixels or paint strokes. It fascinated me, but then again, much of anything other than the SAT could have fascinated me.
I remember staring at certain math questions pondering what exactly was expected as far as the answer was concerned. Why were simple math problems so confusing? I became irritated as I had to rush and finish each math section with only seconds left of time. My dyscalculia is mild, but I'm sure I could obtain extended time on standardized tests if the people who administered that sort of testing sat in my brain for an SAT session. Seriously.
Back to my original thesis. At some point during the exam, I realized that my scores were not going to truly reflect my capabilities, simply because my test anxiety gets the best of me and I do poorer than I'd like to. Then that made me realize that even if I received perfect scores, my grades would hardly match the accomplishment.
It astonishes me that I can receive A's in certain AP and Honors classes that kill other people, but how I can receive B's and C's in other classes that I should be excelling in, beyond my peers' capabilities. I don't know why I do it. I haven't the slightest clue as to why I am the way I am, whether it be due to laziness/procrastination/simple objective mistakes/faulty logic/etc.
So all week long I've been self-conscious of the matter. I've been taking Independent Study Physics, which is inbetween Honors and AP, and I've been meticulously scrutinizing every calculation I make to be sure I'm correct. My Honors Pre-Calc, a shameful class in which I should be receiving straight A's because I am one of three people who actually understands the material, is giving me a hard time because of my poor arithmetic skills. I can't fucking add, subtract, multiply, or divide but I do other crazy shit that no one else understands. How indescribably frustrating.
My intellect is deteriorating. My philosophies are becoming more and more ambiguous and unclear because I haven't a person to share them with. My appreciation for art and music and all things beautiful is becoming duller and duller because I haven't anything to appreciate!
My frustrations are beyond comprehendable. To add to the madness, I am sore from the first swim practice, my throat is irritated (and a week before All-State auditions, of course), the play sucks, and I still don't have a job.
After I literally zipped through each verbal and writing section of the SAT, I sat back and looked to my left, where a window depicted the outdoors with such surreal effect. By that, I mean that the window was open but the screen part gave the illusion that the outdoor image, which was only visable through that small rectangular space on the wall, was made up of pixels or paint strokes. It fascinated me, but then again, much of anything other than the SAT could have fascinated me.
I remember staring at certain math questions pondering what exactly was expected as far as the answer was concerned. Why were simple math problems so confusing? I became irritated as I had to rush and finish each math section with only seconds left of time. My dyscalculia is mild, but I'm sure I could obtain extended time on standardized tests if the people who administered that sort of testing sat in my brain for an SAT session. Seriously.
Back to my original thesis. At some point during the exam, I realized that my scores were not going to truly reflect my capabilities, simply because my test anxiety gets the best of me and I do poorer than I'd like to. Then that made me realize that even if I received perfect scores, my grades would hardly match the accomplishment.
It astonishes me that I can receive A's in certain AP and Honors classes that kill other people, but how I can receive B's and C's in other classes that I should be excelling in, beyond my peers' capabilities. I don't know why I do it. I haven't the slightest clue as to why I am the way I am, whether it be due to laziness/procrastination/simple objective mistakes/faulty logic/etc.
So all week long I've been self-conscious of the matter. I've been taking Independent Study Physics, which is inbetween Honors and AP, and I've been meticulously scrutinizing every calculation I make to be sure I'm correct. My Honors Pre-Calc, a shameful class in which I should be receiving straight A's because I am one of three people who actually understands the material, is giving me a hard time because of my poor arithmetic skills. I can't fucking add, subtract, multiply, or divide but I do other crazy shit that no one else understands. How indescribably frustrating.
My intellect is deteriorating. My philosophies are becoming more and more ambiguous and unclear because I haven't a person to share them with. My appreciation for art and music and all things beautiful is becoming duller and duller because I haven't anything to appreciate!
My frustrations are beyond comprehendable. To add to the madness, I am sore from the first swim practice, my throat is irritated (and a week before All-State auditions, of course), the play sucks, and I still don't have a job.