Im begining to get the feeling
I don't know, maybe its just because i've been stuck in my house so much the past couple of weeks..actually its been like 4 days..but im already thinking too much and driving myself CRAZY. I think they like her more than me..not that they should matter but whatever. It still bugs me. Why do i even care?
I'm realizing that i am still hurt by everything, because i feel like it will just happen again. I feel like everytime i get quiet i am amping myself up for failure and loss. I refuse to live this summer like i did last summer. I refuse to stay blind and it being like that again. I'm so excited for summer again, warm weather, the beach, my best friend being HOME, buuuuut then again i am also terrified of it. B/c it means it may all start over again. I honestly don't know how i made it this far sometimes. I dont know where its going and i know it can be taken away at any time. I really wish i didn't feel like it could all be gone tomorrow.
So including all this stuff i also feel like a complete waste of space. Not just because i don't have a job or a real MOTIVE to fucking live sometimes..just because my mom and dad, i know how furious my dad is at me...and going from being able to talk to him about whatever to NOTHING..well its a big step. and i can feel it taking its toll on our father daughter relationship. You can't control a 19 year old. GET OVER IT.
I feel like I have so much to offer this world..but i don't know where to start..and im not sure exactly what i have to offer. I feel like im stuck in a shell or something and i can't crack out. lol . crack out...geez.
I miss my friends..but then i think..who??? and i can really only name one person. so..ya.
I'm here when you want me to be. I really do want to be with you..i want to be comfortable. I dont know any other words to explain it. I guess comfortable..as in TRUST.
I just need something to do..i need MONEY, and i dont want to work at some stupid fucking store and get paid 6 bucks an hour. fuck that.
I'm sick of the virginia beach bubble. I have one good thing in this damn place and thats Jason. and like i've said..feels like it can get snatched away at any moment. so yaaa..
I also feel like i've been a really really shitty friend the past year or more. It sucks!!
I'm just in one of those shitty bored i hate the world moods. The only problem is..it WONT go away.
If i could just do good in school..i would be making an improvment. I could atleast feel a little better about myself.
I thought once things started going right it would all fall into place?
this is just a really bad pattern I don't feel like being in anymore..
i want to find a job i get paid good, 20 + hours a week, that i like, I don't want to feel insecure about the whole situation anymore, i want him to back me up. (there is always that dejavoo point where i remember what happened last time i was in this situation..so i think of the worst..b/c the worst was what happened the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5th time.) either ME..or just leave me alone. friends are fine..if they are REALLY just friends. im sick of that BS in general. I want things to be good with my dad and I. I want to feel good about myself. I just want to feel good.
i dont like thinking about it at all. the more i think the more I don't understand it and the more unanswered questions i come up with.
im such a spoiled brat..things could be so much worse.