Mystery #1 - Stacey and the Missing Ring, chapters 1-3
I'm new here, and have been pissing myself at all the snarks. I can't sleep, so I've been snarking Mystery #1 - Stacey and the Missing Ring. I actually did a book report on this in the sixth grade. I got an A on the oral presentation, but my final grade on the project was something like a 25, since I didn't actually do the project, just the oral part from memory. I'm like Claudia when it comes to school, except I'm just lazy, not challenged like she is lol.
This probably isn't as good as the other snarks, since it's my first, but I tried!
First, the cover, courtesy of Dibby-Fresh:
Kristy looks kinda hot here. Nice loafers. Stacey looks like the chick Randa from Teen Witch, you know, with the "sleazy" outfits and who is too lazy to cover her roots? Please tell me someone knows who I'm talking about! Baby looks bored. Boring cover.
Chapter 1
Chapter 1 opens with Stacey talking about how she likes cleaning. Only don't tell her friends, because she's so sophisticated and from New York City and all. Stacey and her mom are cleaning this lovely Saturday, or rather, her mother is cleaning and Stace is just following her around from what I can tell.
Stacey talks about her diabeetis, her pancreas, and insulin, then talks about Stoneybrook but she's not actually from Stoneybrook she's from NYC and loves tourist traps like a real NYC girl. She moved back once but came back. Yadda yadda yadda.
Cleaning's totally fun, she and her mom are rocking out to some oldies. Stacey mentions how she can "Do the Twist" and "Shake it up, baby," with the best of them. El oh el. Mom gets teary at Roy Orbison, and starts reminiscing about her super sweet sixteen. Lol @ Mom being 16 at one point. They look at pictures, and Stacey makes fun of her mom's totally old-fashioned "wasp's nest" hairdo and "funny dress." Yeah Stace. The 60s were a looooooong time ago, especially in 1991.
So anyway, Stacey totally ruins Mom's trip down memory lane by bringing up foreshadow a diamond ring she saw at the jewelers. She wants Mrs. McGill to "help" her buy it (aka buy it for her). Wise Mama McGill says diamonds aren't appropriate for a 13 year old, Stacey whines that "lots of people have birthstone rings (none of them being diamonds, of course)!" Mom asks how much the ring costs, and understandably goes apeshit when Anastasia Elizabeth McGill tells her.
Stacey pouts and pulls the "Dad would buy it for me" card, resulting in a big fight. Stacey huffs off to see what the Cult is up to, since her whole day is omg now ruined. *eyeroll*
Chapter 1
It's the obligatory Meet the Press BSC chapter!
First Stacey calls Kristy. She talks about Kristy's family for about three pages. Blah blah rich stepdad, blah blah Emily Michelle, etc etc etc. But Stacey really only calls K first because they want to take advantage of Charlie...again (man, Charlie is a cool big brother. Mine was a dick who wouldn't take me anywhere :( )
Next we meet Claud, who gets all of three paragraphs. Seriously, Claudia is her BFF but she gets a much smaller intro than the other girls. She has great skills of an artist, is bad in school, and likes junk food.
Then we meet MA and Dawn and hear their totally cute omg-they-were-best-friends-but-omg-became-stepsisters-squeal!!! story. Dawn is from California. Mary Anne is shy. MA mentions wanting to buy a toy for Tigger, and Stacey mentions the kitten is "spoiled." Pot calling the kettle black there much, Stace?
Then she calls Mallory Pike who is ugly, likes horses, and has seven siblings.
Then we meet Jessi, who is black, and there's further evidence of Stacey's " tolerance" here:
"Plus the Ramseys are different in another way. They're black." No shit. Think we'd find an Aryan Pride tattoo under those sophisticated New York City clothes?
Now, it's off to the mall!!
Chapter 3
Oops. That last chapter was just character descriptions. Now we actually get to meet them! Charlie and Kristy roll up to Stacey's crib, only not in the Junk Bucket this time! Watson, who is a millionaire, lends C-Dogg his pimp station wagon. The girls are rolling to the mall in style, yo.
They pick up MA and Dawn. There's some foreshadowing here of a sleepover Stacey and Dawn have later where they practice kissing:
"Mmmm," I said. Someone smells good. What is that smell?"
"Must be my new shampoo," answered Dawn. "It's called 'Wildflower Wash.'" She tossed her hair, and I could smell the sweet scent again."
The two go in for a kiss, but Charlie ruins the hot blonde-on-blonde moment with a lame joke. "Smells more like, 'Accident in the perfume factory' to me," he quips. Oh Charlie. You slay me!
They pick up Mal and black Jessi at the Pikes. The triplets gripe about not being able to go, because ten year old boys totally love going to the mall with a bunch of girls. Jessi and Mal settle "in the way back," because it's "crowded," and not because Jessi is black. Sure, Stace. Whatever you say!
Then they pick up Claudia, and we get a description of a rather tame Claudia outfit, "...black leggings, red high-top sneakers, and an oversized red sweater. She was carrying a red plastic lunch box as a purse." That's the best you could do, Ellen Miles?!
They get to the mall and it's crowded. Kristy complains about Charlie parking too far away, Charlie tells her to get the fuck over it, it's Saturday, moron. Charlie has to "meet the guys" so he and the girls agree to meet at Mr. Pretzel at four.
Stacey loves the mall, by the way.
They go to sit at the cool place to hang out - the fountain. Then they split up because MA and the less mature girls want to go to the pet store, and Cool Claud and Sophisticated Stace want to do some real shopping. Dawn goes with them. At the t-shirt store, Dawn is having difficulty deciding between "a blue shirt with whales on it, or a yellow shirt with 'Go For It' on the front in black letters." She thankfully gets neither, because they both sound stupid.
"I don't really need a new t-shirt right now," she said.
"I don't really need new sneakers, either, " said Claud. "But that's not going to stop me!"
(Spoiler alert!! It does, eventually. You'll see.)
Stacey mentions Claudia's sneakers, who apparently has over 30 pairs. Seriously? What 13 year old girl in 1991 can afford that many sneakers earning $1.50 an hour babysitting maybe 10 hours per week? I call bullshit. Anyway, she buys a pair of "lace-and-sequin-trimmed pink high tops," and Stacey informs us that she herself already knows how cool those particular sneakers are, because she can't ever be outdone by her way more creative friend. As Claudia pays for the shoes, Stacey and Dawn observe some women buying shoes, and lollerskate to the pet shop to meet up with the rest of the Cult.
At the pet store, the girls are oohing and ahhing over the puppies. Jessi likes the black lab (or course), and Kristy likes the bulldog (of course). Stacey apparently hates dogs, as she begrudgingly admits the black lab is cute (even though he's black), and the bulldog has a squished-up face. I bet in 2008, 13 year old sophisticated Stacey from New York wouldn't leave the house without a color-coordinated pooch, but that's only because dogs have become a hot fashion accessory.
The girls head over to Friendly's. Stacey, in case you didn't know, is diabetic, so she can't have ice cream. She substitutes it with...a tuna sandwich. Yum!
On the way to meet Charlie after his gay orgy meeting with the guys and cruising chicks, they go past the jewelry store. Stacey sees a much nicer and more expensive ring, recaps the fight, and pouts because her friends aren't coddling her and calling Mrs. McGill out on being such a bad parent for not giving Stacey what she "deserves."
"I wanted Claud to say, 'You deserve a ring like that, Stacey, and your mother's a meanie for not buying it for you.'" Jesus Christ, STFU already. Personally, I wish Dawn would jump in with a lecture on civil war in Africa and how kids are losing limbs over the worthless common rocks, but I guess in 1991 folks didn't know much about blood diamonds? I wouldn't know, I was seven and totally wrapped up in the BSC and didn't give a fuck about anything else.
Later that night, Stacey brings up the stupid ring again, mentioning the more expensive ring at the mall and saying the one at Stoneybrook Jewelers is "a bargain" in comparison. This trick of course works, and Mom gets the ring because her 13 year old is so clever. They hug, Stacey takes an insulin shot. The end!
Actually, that didn't happen. Mom bitchslaps Anastasia Elizabeth, and hr daughter runs off to call Daddy and moves back to New York, and HE gets her the ring and earrings and a necklace and tennis bracelet, and calls children's services on Mrs. McGill for being neglectful and abusive. The end.
I lied, that doesn't happen either. Mrs. McGill tells Stacey she's not buying her the fucking ring, and Stace runs off to call Claudia and bitch some more about it.
Chapters 4-7 coming soon!!
This probably isn't as good as the other snarks, since it's my first, but I tried!
First, the cover, courtesy of Dibby-Fresh:
Kristy looks kinda hot here. Nice loafers. Stacey looks like the chick Randa from Teen Witch, you know, with the "sleazy" outfits and who is too lazy to cover her roots? Please tell me someone knows who I'm talking about! Baby looks bored. Boring cover.
Chapter 1
Chapter 1 opens with Stacey talking about how she likes cleaning. Only don't tell her friends, because she's so sophisticated and from New York City and all. Stacey and her mom are cleaning this lovely Saturday, or rather, her mother is cleaning and Stace is just following her around from what I can tell.
Stacey talks about her diabeetis, her pancreas, and insulin, then talks about Stoneybrook but she's not actually from Stoneybrook she's from NYC and loves tourist traps like a real NYC girl. She moved back once but came back. Yadda yadda yadda.
Cleaning's totally fun, she and her mom are rocking out to some oldies. Stacey mentions how she can "Do the Twist" and "Shake it up, baby," with the best of them. El oh el. Mom gets teary at Roy Orbison, and starts reminiscing about her super sweet sixteen. Lol @ Mom being 16 at one point. They look at pictures, and Stacey makes fun of her mom's totally old-fashioned "wasp's nest" hairdo and "funny dress." Yeah Stace. The 60s were a looooooong time ago, especially in 1991.
So anyway, Stacey totally ruins Mom's trip down memory lane by bringing up foreshadow a diamond ring she saw at the jewelers. She wants Mrs. McGill to "help" her buy it (aka buy it for her). Wise Mama McGill says diamonds aren't appropriate for a 13 year old, Stacey whines that "lots of people have birthstone rings (none of them being diamonds, of course)!" Mom asks how much the ring costs, and understandably goes apeshit when Anastasia Elizabeth McGill tells her.
Stacey pouts and pulls the "Dad would buy it for me" card, resulting in a big fight. Stacey huffs off to see what the Cult is up to, since her whole day is omg now ruined. *eyeroll*
Chapter 1
It's the obligatory Meet the Press BSC chapter!
First Stacey calls Kristy. She talks about Kristy's family for about three pages. Blah blah rich stepdad, blah blah Emily Michelle, etc etc etc. But Stacey really only calls K first because they want to take advantage of Charlie...again (man, Charlie is a cool big brother. Mine was a dick who wouldn't take me anywhere :( )
Next we meet Claud, who gets all of three paragraphs. Seriously, Claudia is her BFF but she gets a much smaller intro than the other girls. She has great skills of an artist, is bad in school, and likes junk food.
Then we meet MA and Dawn and hear their totally cute omg-they-were-best-friends-but-omg-became-stepsisters-squeal!!! story. Dawn is from California. Mary Anne is shy. MA mentions wanting to buy a toy for Tigger, and Stacey mentions the kitten is "spoiled." Pot calling the kettle black there much, Stace?
Then she calls Mallory Pike who is ugly, likes horses, and has seven siblings.
Then we meet Jessi, who is black, and there's further evidence of Stacey's " tolerance" here:
"Plus the Ramseys are different in another way. They're black." No shit. Think we'd find an Aryan Pride tattoo under those sophisticated New York City clothes?
Now, it's off to the mall!!
Chapter 3
Oops. That last chapter was just character descriptions. Now we actually get to meet them! Charlie and Kristy roll up to Stacey's crib, only not in the Junk Bucket this time! Watson, who is a millionaire, lends C-Dogg his pimp station wagon. The girls are rolling to the mall in style, yo.
They pick up MA and Dawn. There's some foreshadowing here of a sleepover Stacey and Dawn have later where they practice kissing:
"Mmmm," I said. Someone smells good. What is that smell?"
"Must be my new shampoo," answered Dawn. "It's called 'Wildflower Wash.'" She tossed her hair, and I could smell the sweet scent again."
The two go in for a kiss, but Charlie ruins the hot blonde-on-blonde moment with a lame joke. "Smells more like, 'Accident in the perfume factory' to me," he quips. Oh Charlie. You slay me!
They pick up Mal and black Jessi at the Pikes. The triplets gripe about not being able to go, because ten year old boys totally love going to the mall with a bunch of girls. Jessi and Mal settle "in the way back," because it's "crowded," and not because Jessi is black. Sure, Stace. Whatever you say!
Then they pick up Claudia, and we get a description of a rather tame Claudia outfit, "...black leggings, red high-top sneakers, and an oversized red sweater. She was carrying a red plastic lunch box as a purse." That's the best you could do, Ellen Miles?!
They get to the mall and it's crowded. Kristy complains about Charlie parking too far away, Charlie tells her to get the fuck over it, it's Saturday, moron. Charlie has to "meet the guys" so he and the girls agree to meet at Mr. Pretzel at four.
Stacey loves the mall, by the way.
They go to sit at the cool place to hang out - the fountain. Then they split up because MA and the less mature girls want to go to the pet store, and Cool Claud and Sophisticated Stace want to do some real shopping. Dawn goes with them. At the t-shirt store, Dawn is having difficulty deciding between "a blue shirt with whales on it, or a yellow shirt with 'Go For It' on the front in black letters." She thankfully gets neither, because they both sound stupid.
"I don't really need a new t-shirt right now," she said.
"I don't really need new sneakers, either, " said Claud. "But that's not going to stop me!"
(Spoiler alert!! It does, eventually. You'll see.)
Stacey mentions Claudia's sneakers, who apparently has over 30 pairs. Seriously? What 13 year old girl in 1991 can afford that many sneakers earning $1.50 an hour babysitting maybe 10 hours per week? I call bullshit. Anyway, she buys a pair of "lace-and-sequin-trimmed pink high tops," and Stacey informs us that she herself already knows how cool those particular sneakers are, because she can't ever be outdone by her way more creative friend. As Claudia pays for the shoes, Stacey and Dawn observe some women buying shoes, and lollerskate to the pet shop to meet up with the rest of the Cult.
At the pet store, the girls are oohing and ahhing over the puppies. Jessi likes the black lab (or course), and Kristy likes the bulldog (of course). Stacey apparently hates dogs, as she begrudgingly admits the black lab is cute (even though he's black), and the bulldog has a squished-up face. I bet in 2008, 13 year old sophisticated Stacey from New York wouldn't leave the house without a color-coordinated pooch, but that's only because dogs have become a hot fashion accessory.
The girls head over to Friendly's. Stacey, in case you didn't know, is diabetic, so she can't have ice cream. She substitutes it with...a tuna sandwich. Yum!
On the way to meet Charlie after his gay orgy meeting with the guys and cruising chicks, they go past the jewelry store. Stacey sees a much nicer and more expensive ring, recaps the fight, and pouts because her friends aren't coddling her and calling Mrs. McGill out on being such a bad parent for not giving Stacey what she "deserves."
"I wanted Claud to say, 'You deserve a ring like that, Stacey, and your mother's a meanie for not buying it for you.'" Jesus Christ, STFU already. Personally, I wish Dawn would jump in with a lecture on civil war in Africa and how kids are losing limbs over the worthless common rocks, but I guess in 1991 folks didn't know much about blood diamonds? I wouldn't know, I was seven and totally wrapped up in the BSC and didn't give a fuck about anything else.
Later that night, Stacey brings up the stupid ring again, mentioning the more expensive ring at the mall and saying the one at Stoneybrook Jewelers is "a bargain" in comparison. This trick of course works, and Mom gets the ring because her 13 year old is so clever. They hug, Stacey takes an insulin shot. The end!
Actually, that didn't happen. Mom bitchslaps Anastasia Elizabeth, and hr daughter runs off to call Daddy and moves back to New York, and HE gets her the ring and earrings and a necklace and tennis bracelet, and calls children's services on Mrs. McGill for being neglectful and abusive. The end.
I lied, that doesn't happen either. Mrs. McGill tells Stacey she's not buying her the fucking ring, and Stace runs off to call Claudia and bitch some more about it.
Chapters 4-7 coming soon!!