Karen's New Teacher Snark- ch 6-11
Chapter 6- Karen's New Teacher (finally some classroom management)
On Wednesdays, we wear pink. Jk. On Wednesdays, Lisa dives Karen and Nance to school. They tiptoe down the hall to their classroom to find a lady in gray clothes and gray hair. Karen immediately judges her and declares her mean. I immediately like this lady. She seems like she's going to bring in the order to this hot mess of a classroom. The gray lady tells them to take their seats and no talking. But Ms. C lets us do whatever we want in the morning! WELL MS. C ISN'T HERE! is what I would say. Enemy Pamela is already there, minding her business (the nerve). Mrs. Hoffman introduces herself. She is a Mrs, so I wonder about her husband and if they pretend to do some strict teacher action at home. Karen notes that Mrs. H does not smile. This reminds me of student- teaching with a mentor teacher who was a lot like Mrs. H. She told me not to smile until Christmas because otherwise the kids would walk all over you. I don't really agree with that philosophy.
Anyway, Mrs. H puts the kids in alphabetical order and Karen is still in the front (Because Brewer starts with B.) No kidding Karen!! I'm telling you, this is the extra support class. Pamela raises her hand to compliment the new seating arrangement and for one split second, the spotlight is not on Karen. Karen explains THIS is why she doesn't like Pamela. This exchange also earns Mrs. H the ever famous nickname, The Trunchball...I mean, Hatey Hoffman.
Chapter 7- *** and XXX (Exes and oh oh oh's they want me!)
The class does some math workbook pages while Mrs. H is making something with a ruler and straight lines. When Karen finishes, she just stares off into space. Mrs. H tells her to knock it off because it's creeping her out and Karen blushes, then pulls out a copy of Dr. Dolittle. And Jacob two- two dies a little inside.
After math, Mrs. H puts up the class Chore Chart. In my class they're called classroom jobs and the kids love it. I have them fill out little applications for the job they want (like pencil sharpener, errand runner, board cleaner,) and it's really cute. They always ask me when they can do their jobs. Kids LOVE to help. But not Karen. She pouts because if you do your chores and get 15 stars, you get a certificate. She wanted an iPhone or an xBox or something. Ha, like a sub is going to spend her own money on prizes for you. Karen's job is to clean the sink. She pouts again because she has to clean a mess. This part really bothered me. I always tell my students it is NOT the janitor's job or my job or your parents' job to clean up your intentional mess. But Karen the self entitled little brat is acting like she's too much of a princess to clean. Pam's job is to clean Hootie the guinea pig's cage. I feel like that would be the job everyone would fight over. But Karen informs us that that's a disgusting job (umm..says the girl who has a pet rat.)
Chapter 8- The Dunce, (or Karen finally gets her comeuppance)
The next morning, Karen is being a brat again. First she tries to make Seth late for work by stalling so she'd have less time at school. Then she shouts at Ricky across the room about a funny part in Dr. Dolittle. Mrs. H scolds her and the class stares. This only reinforces Karen's behavior because she loves her some attention, positive or negative. You have to ignore a lot when it comes to those kids.
Mrs. H announces a surprise spelling quiz and Karen shouts again. Then Mrs. H asks who the paper passer is and Karen shouts yet again. Mrs. H asks Karen what gets into her and asks her where her best manners are. Karen quietly passes out papers while she wonders what manner are. Well they're these things most of us learn when we're two years old about treating people with respect. But as we all know, Karen missed that lesson and now all of Stoneybrook has to pay the consequences.
Later that day, Karen doodles in her science book. Mrs. H yells at her and makes her stand in the corner. This was always my favorite part as a kid because I remember thinking YES! Finally! Karen has a consequence! "Ms. C never makes us stand in the corner. She lets us do whatever we want." I could just see the conversation between Mrs. H and the principal when she got hired.
Principal: So you'll be taking on a long- term subbing job for Coleman. Now I need to warn you, this is the extra support class and most of these kids need special help.
Mrs. H: oh, like special needs? Do they have accommodations?
Principal: We don't know. We've never seen any paperwork because Coleman lets them do whatever they want.
Mrs. H: Oh my, well that won't do.
Principal: I'll be honest, her classroom management skills aren't the best. We've been looking to replace her because she's always hungover in the mornings. So usually I wouldn't consider a boob job an excused absence, but we really need to get someone orderly in that class.
Mrs. H: I'll try my best and introduce them to a few rules. Any kids in particular I should be aware of?
Principal: Just don't tell Karen Brewer she's in the extra support class. She thinks she's skipped a grade and her parents asked us to keep up this lie so as to not damage her ego.
Mrs. H: Are you fucking kidding me
Chapter 9- Two Straight Lines (the broke their bread, brushed their teeth, and went to bed.)
Mrs. H actually teaches the kids her expectations instead of just giving them orders. She has them practice lining up. "Ms. C never made us do that! She makes us practice the golden rule (and I'm not sure what that is,) but not lining up!" The golden rule Karen is a lot line manner- oh wait, you don't know about those either.
The class clatters into a scraggly line, knock over a chair, and make a ton of noise. Ha, and you thought you didn't need practice. The principal was right! Thinks Mrs. H. These kids are wild animals! So she puts them in two straight lines, girls in one, boys in the other. Karen is the leader of her line (because B is for Brewer! Yayy!) Everyone stares at the class on their way to gym. Outstanding, thinks the principal. Just the other day I wouldn't have gotten near this class and now they're actually acting like human being- "HEY!" shouts Karen and ruins it. "The PRINCIPAL is staring at us!" The principal makes a run for it and Mrs. H asks her again where her manners are. Then she tells her she has extra homework that weekend- write a 50 word essay on why I should Follow School Rules.
But there is a silver lining. Pam doesn't do her chore and gets an X. Karen is happy to see her mad. This is a good example of the opposite of the golden rule, Karen.
Chapter 10- School Rules (Gonna write an essay, that's what I say!)
It's Friday evening and the big house family has nothing better to do than listen intently to Karen's drama. Very bitter about alphabetical order, Karen storms to her room to begin her essay. After the whole Spongebob procrastination episode, she manages to write the title. Then she makes up a song about Mrs. H. My friends and I used to do that too but we had original tunes. Karen uses Old McDonald because that song is probably on repeat in both houses as a desperate attempt for Karen to finally learn her animal noises.
Chapter 10- Tricking Mrs. Hoffman (why can't Sam be my big brother)
Sam knocks on Karen's door. At first she's afraid it was Watson and he would be cross with her. (They turn British all of a sudden?) But it's a Friday night and Sam isn't at his high school football game, or at a party trying to get Stacey McGill drunk. He's in his 6 year old sister's bedroom caring deeply about her new teacher issue.
"Sam came into my room. He closed the door behind him. Then he sat on by bed."
Shits about to go down!! I remember thinking as a kid it almost seemed like Sam had a crush on Karen. They're only 9 years apart and not blood related so it could happen. Anyway, Sam tells her that substitutes are fun to play tricks on. He gives her some examples and then she calls Hannie to give her the latest. "Boo you whore!" Says Hannie. "Come on this is Mrs. Hoffman! Sam just gave me so many ideas." She and Hannie talk until Kristy calls her a phone hog. When I read these books with my students they're so flabbergasted that two people couldn't be on the phone at the same time. And I'm all, "Gather around children and I'll tell you the tale... (dusts off old dusty book)... of the LANDLINE!"
Confused and bewildered about her powwow with Sam, Karen finishes her essay. She used the words very and really over and over as a filler but is not subtle about it at all.