Karen's New Teacher ch 1-5 Snark
Cover- Karen is standing with Nancy and Ricky and she's all "Come on, guys, the lady's a bitch." Nancy is holding her hands together, wearing a prairie dress. The look on her face says "I kind of like Miss Hoffman but I mustn't go against anything my Queen Karen says. Ricky looks like he wants to go home and watch television. Miss Hoffman is floating above Nancy's head writing "TILLUULM" on the chalk board instead of letting the class stuff their face with pizzas. (The nerve.)
Chapter 1- Arithmetic pizza, or "What grandparents call math" pizza.
We don't waste anytime hating on poor Natalie Springer. She is merely counting her pepperonis and Karen interrupts her to say she's doing it wrong. "Oh," says Natalie and continues working. Karen rolls her eyes at Natalie's very existence and then proceeds to brag about how nice her teacher is to let them learn about fractions with pizza. Then we get this gem:
"I want you," she said to our class, and then you have to turn the page so it sounds REAL creepy for a second. Haha! Ms. Coleman doesn't ask her students to perform any inappropriate acts and instead asks them to divide into groups of 3 or 4 and each group will make pizzas. Hmm. I'm a second grade teacher and I would personally have assigned those groups myself. Not to be mean, I love my students, it's just I know zero work would get done if I let them pick their groups. Anyway, Karen dubs Hank Reubens the class fat ass because he is excited about the pizzas. You were too, Karen. What does that make you? For the next few pages, each kid in her class says one word and we get a whole description of who they are. Hannie and Nancy are the besties, Bobby Gianelli says "cool" and Ms. C rocks because she dressed as a pencil for Halloween and takes them on field trips. News flash, the awesomeness of the field trip is usually not a reflection of the teacher. I would much rather let my students run around at a petting zoo and learn how to treat animals than follow around a grumpy tour guide that barks at them not to touch anything, but I don't have much choice in the matter. Anyway, Karen shrieks about how today is paper pizza day and tomorrow is my daddy buying a van day, and Ms. C calls her over to her desk. She asks what she is supposed to be doing. Karen answers "drawing a picture of pizza and not talking." She is asked to calm it down.
Chapter 2- Only One Ms. Colman, or Ms. Coleman is not a two two like me, Andrew, and Jacob the Hooded Fang
Andrew is 4 going on 5, but never actually will reach 5. "Did you guess that Andrew and I live at two houses because Mommy and Daddy are divorced? If you did you are right." Actually I guessed it because you just told us on the previous page, and because these books were my childhood.
She actually starts her family story with once upon a time. No big news flashes here. Except we learn that Watson grew up in the big house. That explains a lot. Also, Karen goes to private school so maybe Ms. C DOES have some say in the field trips. All the family members are introduced, and so are her "special" nicknames. I wonder if Jacob Two Two Meets the Hooded Fang appreciates all the publicity from making an appearance in all these books.
I just looked up a brief synopsis and Jacob isn't a two two because his parents are divorced. He's a two two because he might actually have some OCD about the number 2. Who knew. But good thing there is only one Ms. C! (Could it possibly be foreshadowing?)
Chapter 3- The substitute (Omg it WAS foreshadowing)
Karen and Nancers excitedly anticipate the pizzas first thing in the morning and plan to bombard Ms. C about them, which only makes me feel even worse for poor Hank Reubens. Isn't he allowed to be excited about pizza too? But Ms. C doesn't show up. It's a sub named Miss Pettig. She writes "Good morning boys and girls" on the board with her name and Karen scoffs that this is for babies. Doesn't Miss P know we can actually read cursive? Oh Karen, if I could tell you now what a pointless skill that really is. Miss P makes name tags for the kids so she will be able to call them by name all day, and this is actually above and beyond for a substitute. I would have appreciated that from a sub instead of being called "four eyes" or "pipsqueak" all day, but Karen and Nancy have a huge problem with this. Nancy is even seen putting her hands on her hips and glaring at Miss P. No cool Nance! Subs have a really hard job, show a little respect. So apparently the best teacher in the world didn't leave sub plans and Ms. P gives them kindergarten work to do. She even tells them which crayon to use for each part of their farm picture. This would annoy me too, but not much you can do without sub plans.
Chapter 4- The Surprising Awful Announcement(Ms C wants to get her boobs done)
So Ms. C is back the next day and right after Karen vows not to give her a headache, she screams her name and gives her a headache. This earns her the ever stern "Indoor voice, please." Clearly this method is not working and she needs some other consequence or reward for her volume control. Ms. C announces to the class that she has to get an operation...in the hospital...for a breast enlargement. (Ok not really but she doesn't say she's not. In fact she doesn't say what it is at all.) So she will be missing a month of school. In the same year she gets married and goes on maternity leave. I dunno, that's a long time away from the kids Ms. C. Instead of immediately wishing Ms. C well in her life- threatening operation, Karen immediately thinks about herself and a month without having the pizza party. I'm beginning to speculate that she didn't skip a grade, she was put in that class for extra support.
Chapter 5- Promises, or "Karen's pitty party"
Karen goes home and is mean to Rocky and Midgie. She even tells Andrew to shut up! Ok that is a really bad word to a second grader. It made me more sad that she was mean to the animals, but she made Andrew cry and all she has to do is apologize? Apparently Ms. C emailed all the rents about her boob job and Seth and Lisa talk to her about it. Karen says it isn't fair to her because first DM's first dog Louie dies and now this?! Ok I know it's sad when pets die but how well did Karen really know Louie? That doesn't really equal a "get- out- of- telling your little brother to shut up- card" to me, but Lisa and Seth comfort her and tell her she can make a card and call her. She feels better. Just a teensy bit though.