#2 CLAUDIA AND THE PHANTOM PHONE CALLS!! <3 squee! part one!
so, i realized that i wrote such a long ass mess before even getting to the first chapter, that i can only put the first two chapters, plus my long ass intro! jesus! but there will be more soon! sorry for the delay in posting snarks, etc, my kitty has been a bit sick again, plus a whole bunch of other random time consuming stuff. but yesterday i went out with one of my awesome sisters and i got 4 BSC little sister books AND 'graduation day' *weeps* at a second hand store for a couple of bucks! SCORE! anyway, i hope you guys enjoy part one of this snark!
holy shit, my first snark of an actual ann m martin book! i'm used to dealing with the ghostwriters, so this should be pretty trippy. but it was the first baby-sitters club book i ever read, so it has a special place in my heart. i just realized that this will also be my first claudia snark! man, diving in with both feet today, aren't i?
this is the only cover of this book in my mind. that awful remade cover they did in the 90's? i rebuke it in the name of lucille ball. that thing is a fucking wreck.
claudia's wearing a sweater that would fit in really well at an ugly sweater party, or a bill cosby (BOO!! HISS!) convention. it's fugly, for sure. her hair appears to be chocolate brown, rather than jet black as it's described in the series…hmmm…but she's wearing it in braids instead of her usual godawful side pony tail. oh, and the toddler on the cover is the ever fabulous kirsten dunst, as a baby.
pictured: kirsten dunst, totally not as a baby
but that trivia is so old, i'm sure it's not breaking news for anyone reading this.
also, claudia looks like she's bored out of her skull listening to janine trying to explain physics to her on the other end of the line, instead of being absolutely terrified that the phantom caller is going to break into the house while she's sitting, as she should be…but something about that pink cover, claudia's epic 80's sweater and the simplicity of it all as a whole makes my little heart sing. oh, sweet nostalgia!
just for fun, i will discuss/dissect the 90's cover AND the british cover, for your -- let's be real, my own -- enjoyment!
well, she's wearing a sweater vest instead of her 80's ugly sweater, which is looking better and better all the time now i'm looking at her boring, fug outfit on this version of the cover. she's also wearing her hair in a side ponytail, because she was rarely allowed to have any other hairstyle on the covers, even though they always raved in the books about how she liked to try new hairstyles all the time. the covers are calling you out on your lies, claudia -- it's a side pony or nothing! looks like she borrowed one of dawn's boring blue button down shirts that she always wore on the covers. nothing wrong with a button down shirt, but because of dawn's obsession with them, i now feel queasy when i see them on these covers. and also suspect they are denim every time. the little girl is okay i guess, whatever, she's no kirsten, that's for sure. oh, and claudia actually looks a little freaked out, but she could also be annoyed and slightly pissed because kristy is on the other end of the line telling her that they're going to be throwing yet another huge party for all the kids they sit for and that she needs claudia to make up five dozen invitations by dinnertime. which is in ten minutes. fucking kristy, man.
it always weirds me out that these british covers look like we're supposed to be spying through their bedroom windows or some shit. dunno about you all, but i'm no peeping tom. stop being creepy, british cover artists.
other than the creepy perving aspect, claudia looks mildly concerned? bemused? she's on the verge of biting her fingernail, that's for sure. other than that one indicator of distress though, her expression is pretty fucking nondescript. she certainly doesn't appear to be scared for her life. it looks more like she's thinking "hmmm, IS my refrigerator running?!"
all of these covers fail in that regard. but the original is still my favourite.
now onto the actual book…
jesus, this book was written in 1986. which makes it thirty fucking years old this year. this realization only serves as a reminder that i am fucking old, because i'll be four years older than this book in august. oh, god…be right back...
okay, i feel better now. i can do this.
since this was written by ann herself, we get an actual dedication instead of a 'grateful acknowledgement' from ann to the ghostwriter du jour.
'this book is for brenda bowen and jean feiwel with gratitude.'
damn, now i want to know who the hell jean and brenda are…okay, i dragged out ann's bio because i recognized jean's name, and sure enough, it's in there. she was one of the editorial directors at scholastic in the 80's. not only that, but she was the one who actually came up with the for the baby-sitters club series:
'jean was then an editorial director at scholastic, she'd worked with ann before, and she had a great idea [what, not a Great Idea ™?] for a new series. it would be about a group of girls who did a lot of baby-sitting, and it would be called the baby-sitters club. the series would start with just four books. she wanted ann to write them. ann agreed, and the rest is history.'
--page 135 of ann m martin: the story of the author of the baby-sitters club by margot becker r. with ann m martin.
now i just need to see if brenda is referenced in the bio.
oh my god, you won't believe this shit.
we now know who to blame for the major editing fails!
bethany buck is the series editor, so she failed the most but for the first twenty books, we have brenda bowen herself to blame!
'…and then there's bethany buck, the series editor. a different editor, brenda bowen, worked with ann on the first twenty books. when she left scholastic, bethany took her place as editor of the baby-sitters club books. bethany, like brenda before her, is responsible for coordinating all the people involved with creating and publishing the books. she also edits every one of the baby-sitters club and little sisters books, with some help.'
-page 139 of ann m martin: the story of the author of the baby-sitters club by margot becker r. with ann m martin.
with some help from who? jack daniels?
so this book was dedicated to ann's fail editor and the woman who came up with the idea for the series in the first place. the "gratitude" is well placed when it comes to jean, because that woman's idea made her a millionaire.
well, i'm assuming she's a millionaire, since she was selling millions of copies of these books each year during it's heyday, according to the biography. i tried looking up her net worth online but couldn't find it. though, she was interviewed in forbes magazine back in 2010, but the forbes.com site won't let me access her interview, possibly because i use an ad-blocker. ha.
i found one site that estimates her net worth as of 2016 to be a million dollars, but that figure was just estimated by users of the site, so i doubt it's reliability. i'm kind of angry at the internet right now for having failed me so in my quest.
but i did find out that according to this article we also have ann herselfto blame for the bad editing:
"(With the publishing schedule calling for more than one new volume every month, Martin could not write each book, though she wrote all the outlines and edited anything she didn’t write.)"
emphasis mine. by the way, it appears that the same laura godwin mentioned in this article as being her collaborator on the doll people series is/was her girlfriend!
just thought y'all would like that bit of trivia.
jesus. i just realized how much i've written without even starting the actual snark. my deepest apologies. so now, without any further adieu, the snark:
CHAPTER ONE
okay guys, i have to admit that i'm actually excited about this, because i always loved this book so much. fingers crossed i can do it justice without managing to ruin it for myself in the process.
the chapter starts with ann/claudia getting all atmospheric on our asses. seriously, she's really trying to set the mood for the book here:
'the evening was gloomy and windy, with rain streaming down from heavy clouds that blocked the moon.'
claudia must've had her nose firmly planted in a nancy drew book, because this is about as literary as she will ever come across as sounding.
'i thought it was the perfect night to a) curl up with the phantom of pine hill -- a really spooky nancy drew mystery -- and the liquorice whips i'd hidden in my desk,'
claudia, i have to stop you right here and sarcastically thank you for my now lifelong addiction to sugar. it was the constant mention of candy in this series, coupled with the bullshit lies about how you could eat a metric tonne of sugar and fat every day and still manage to stay thin, that has contributed not only to my sugar addiction but the fucked up thinking i had for years about how my body must be fucking flawed because i can't eat what i want and still pull off a "perfect" figure like you did. i guess i was as dumb when it comes to the meaning of "fiction" as mallory is when i was a child. some messages are hard to erase when they've been drilled into your head to the point of brainwashing.
'or b) work on the still life i'd started and daydream about trevor sandbourne. but "no," my dad said, "homework first, claudia," and there's no arguing with dad.'
well, that sucks for you. but your dad is probably right, you know. especially considering your grades. and your atrocious spelling.
'besides, we have an agreement, my parents and i. the agreement is that if i get all my homework done every night (with someone in my family supervising me), i can continue to take my art classes. more important, i can stay in the baby-sitters club.'
her parents probably should've kept this up, to be honest. when did the nightly homework supervision/help stop anyway? when mimi died? that would be fucking sad.
since claudia mentioned the club and this is only the second book of the series, we get a chapter two right smack dab in the middle of chapter one! i'll skim because it's so early in the series and ann is writing it. there might be something funny/interesting but i kind of doubt it.
oh, it's not a proper chapter two rundown on the club, but that's probably because it's only the second book. she does mention that she almost 'blew it', meaning her membership in the club, i guess, 'when the school sent a letter home to my parents saying that i wasn't working up to potential and stuff like that. my parents are used to those letters -- they get them about twice a year -- but what they hadn't expected to find out was that i had done almost none of my homework since school started. that's when mom and dad laid down the law.'
hold up, you had done almost none of your homework since school started? jesus christ, claudia, it's no wonder your parents are such hard asses in the beginning of the series! they probably didn't want you to end up dropping out of school before you even started the eighth grade, for god's sake.
claudia tells us that the problem with homework is that she has attention deficit disorder it bores the living fuck out of her and she can't concentrate. well, i have a lot of trouble concentrating too, claud, especially if it's something that bores me, but it's because i have ADD. i think you have ADD and are dyslexic, but god knows ann will never admit that, even with all of the classic signs you've displayed since the beginning of the series.
claudia/ann goes on to tell the young, impressionable readers that homework is 'useless.' thanks for that, claud/ann! and oh the irony that a book published by a company called scholastic of all things, would brazenly declare that homework/education is useless.
claudia continues, saying, 'who cares whether > means greater or less than, or what x equals? (besides, why bother finding out since x equals something different every time?) the only school thing i like to do is read, and the teachers even take the fun out of that. they don't care that i can almost always solve a mystery before the detective in the story can. they just care that i don't know what an adverb is.'
well, as someone who was homeschooled/self-taught most of her life, i can't comment on middle school teachers or classes in any way, but i know the professor who taught the university course i took in my twenties sure loved to suck all the fun and enjoyment out of reading and writing. she was a shitty professor though, to be perfectly honest, so i don't know if it would've been a more enjoyable experience if the course had been taught by someone who was at least marginally competent.
claudia tells us that none of this would be so bad if it weren't for janine and then goes on a rant about how janine is a genius with an I.Q. of 196 and so is obviously pure evil for daring to have to not only a functioning brain, but one that far out-strips her own. claudia lets us in on a little secret, but you've got to promise not to tell anybody or else they'll realize just how much of a slacker she really is:
'actually, i'll tell you a secret. my I.Q. is also above average. everyone is amazed, since i can barely spell, but that's why my parents and teachers come down so hard on me. i'm smart, but i'm not a good student. they say if i'd just pay attention and concentrate, i could do fine in school.'
so why doesn't she? why doesn't she apply herself in the least? well, as claudia goes on to add after telling us just how smart she really is:
'but who cares? i'd never live up to janine.'
so…since you figure you can't compete, you won't even try to do well? i'm sorry, claud, but i honestly don't believe that's the only reason you suck ass in school. i truly believe you have at least one undiagnosed learning disability. or maybe it actually has been diagnosed, but your parents haven't told you for fear you'd just give up all together.
and if it really is just because you feel you can't live up to your sister's level of achievement, that's completely fucked up. you're throwing away your education just because you can't compete with your sister and you're keeping yourself considerably dumber than the majority of your peers -- hell, than the majority of the kids you sit for! this is so maddening it just broke my fucking brain.
claudia continues to rag on janine for being smart and saying all of those big smart people words that only smart people understand. i mean, what a nerd, right? she actually knows what an adverb is!
claudia gives us an example of what an insufferable brain janine is to have as a sister:
'yesterday morning all i did was go, "janine, it's cold out. mom wants you to close your window before you leave for school," and you know what she said? she said, "i find it fascinating that in our society we attempt to regulate the temperature of our environment rather than our bodies. it's so much more difficult and it's highly inefficient. primitive peoples and peoples in various other societies existing today tend toward mere addition or removal of clothing, while we invite the use of heating units and air conditioners."'
but all claudia really hears is:
as her one remaining brain cell screams: NERD ALERT, NERD ALERT!
claudia tells us that she 'didn't even know there was such a word as peoples.' considering this is the same claudia kishi who would go on to write "who are you?" instead of "how are you?" i would've been surprised if she had known that.
she finally stops chapter two-ing in chapter one to go back to telling us about her gloomy evening. her dad had told her that she had to do her homework and i experience a little pang of sadness as she goes on to tell us that he said it was mimi's turn to help her. ah, mimi…you were one of the only decent adults in the 'brook. 'claudia and the sad goodbye' is still one of my least read books in the series, because it makes me cry every time. i probably haven't read that particular book in at least twenty years because of that.
claud informs us that she's supposed to try and do the work on her own, while a family member sits next to her to keep her from daydreaming about candy, art projects and the plots of various nancy drew mysteries. oh, and for this one book, the infamous trevor sandbourne.
they are also there to make sure she does each assignment completely and that she follows directions. and to answer any questions she might have about the work. you know, even though i'm sure this set up was a time consuming pain in the ass for her family, it probably helped keep her on track. she might not have had to repeat the seventh grade later on if they had kept this up.
claudia tells us that 'they're not supposed to do the homework for me, but sometimes i can get janine to give me answers.' so…are you saying you con her into helping you cheat? i guess her big ol' nerd brains come in handy when they're benefiting you, huh claud? she claims it's because her 'dumb homework is so boring' for janine, stating that janine tells her just that at least twice every single time she has to tutor claud. claudia says that because her school work is so fucking boring for her sister, 'she'll do anything to speed it along.' well, claudia, you can't really take offence at that, because you think your homework is boring too.
claudia proves that her brain does in fact consist of one lonely cell that just sits there completely inactive until claud pours a two pound bag of granulated sugar down her gullet to force it to show some signs of life, when she bitches:
'well, i'm sorry. i'm sorry i'm not up to trigonomulus, or whatever it is she does. we can't all be scholars.'
claudia tells us that mimi is the best person to help her, because she's 'quiet and soft-spoken and endlessly patient.' which ann uses to awkwardly segue into telling us that claudia and her family are japanese. everything about ann describing race comes across as completely awkward and kinda squick-ish, to be honest.
here is a stuff mom never told you video that i found fitting for this snark, considering how in every single BSC book claudia is described by the BSC and herself as "exotic":
in the rundown of her family history, we learn that claud's grandfather died before she was born and that mimi brought her mother to the united states when her mom was a little girl. she assures us that while her mother hasn't got even the slightest trace of an accent, and neither does her father, who also immigrated as a child, mimi has 'this pleasant, rolling accent that reminds [her] of a ship at sea.' then goes on to tell us that mimi is 'polite, polite, polite, never speaking a harsh word.'
i'm not even gonna touch that total stereotype. but i will say that this makes me realize that we never hear single a word about her father's family. we don't know if his parents are still alive, or if he has siblings, nothing. not that i can recall, anyway. we only ever hear about her mom's side of the family -- mimi and peaches. what the fuck is up with that?
claudia takes a break from staring off into space and drooling while she tells us her life story when she gets snapped back to the present by mimi asking her about her social studies text.
'"what do we have between the covers of this book?" asked mimi, who thinks books are the eyes into the hearts and lives of other people (peoples?). she told me so once.'
i love you, mimi.
'"social studies," i replied. "we read chapter three in class today. now we have to answer the discussion questions at the end of the chapter…mimi, if they're discussion questions, why aren't we discussing them? how come mr. miller is making us write them down?"'
"because schoolwork is the uber lame and teachers make no sense, my claudia."
sorry, what mimi actually says is, "i do not know, my claudia, but if that is the assignment, then you must complete it as your teacher wishes."
claudia tells us that just a few weeks ago, she would've 'written down one-word answers to the questions or skipped the assignment altogether.' but 'now there was no way out.' that's a good thing though, claud, because you probably would've been sent back to sixth grade before ever reaching the eighth if you kept that shit up.
claud does her homework while mimi looks on and corrects her spelling mistakes now and then or suggests that she 'check [her] punctuation.' once social studies is over, she moves on to math and english. thankfully, we are spared much of the agony of reading about someone doing homework, because soon claudia is done and breathing a sigh of relief 'mixed with boredom.' mimi asks her what she's going to do now and claud admits she's going to read her nancy drew book. then tells us all about how her parents think nancy drew mysteries are trash and so she has to hide them with her junk food. typical chapter two stuff we all know like the back of our hands.
my favourite candy hiding spot of hers will always be that hollow book she had. god, i wanted a hollow book so fucking badly as a kid because of claudia. i didn't even know such a thing existed until i read these books, but after becoming enlightened i would dream up ways to create my own without my parents realizing i had destroyed a book in the process -- see, i figured the only way i'd ever have one would be if i made it myself. i can't remember if i ever really tried though. i may have tried practicing on an old phone book, but i'm not 100% sure on that. even if i did try to make one, i must've failed, or else i'd still have that motherfucker.
mimi asks claud what's happening in the phantom of pine hill, that nancy drew book she mentioned at the beginning of the chapter. claudia just says, "ooh, it's really spooky," so mimi asks her, "you like to be scared, my claudia?"
'"well, yes, i guess so. i mean, when it's just a book, it's fun. look outside, mimi. look at the wind blowing the trees, and the lightening flashing. it's the perfect night to read a mystery."
mimi smiled. "spooky…it's almost halloween," she remarked. "just a few more weeks."
i nodded. "but i think i'm too old to go trick-or-treating."'
claudia, you're only twelve, you can still get away with treat-or-treating! don't throw away a perfectly good chance to dress up and get free candy! well, i guess you'd dress up anyway since you wear costumes every day, but…but…FREE CANDY!!
mimi tells her, "well, then, you can dress up and help us hand out the candy. i'm sure that is almost as fun as tricks-and-treats."
which claudia uses as an excuse to tell her how important clothes and dressing up are to her. it's so fucking confusing and disorienting when all of this character trait-y chapter two-y stuff is so spread out throughout the first damned chapter. stop fucking with my head, ann.
i have to agree with claudia on this point though, 'since you have to get dressed every day, why not at least make it fun?' w0rd.
she goes on to tell us that she likes 'bright colours and big patterns and funny touches, such as earrings made from feathers.' too bad you end up dressing like a walking acid flashback by the 90's claud, with all your psychedelic tie-dyed outfits. you had more flare in the 80's. see, check this outfit out and tell me it isn't at least better than head to toe tie-dye:
'today, for instance, i'm wearing purple pants that stop just below my knees and are held up with suspenders, white tights with clocks on them, a purple-plaid shirt with a matching hat, my high-top sneakers, and lobster earrings.'
she adds that, 'clothes like these are my trademark.' and damn do i ever miss the days when she could actually say that and mean it. i hate her tie-dye outfits, they're almost as bad as dawn's texas tuxedos. actually, they're worse, because we expect so much more from claudia.
claudia, if only you could've dressed like you did in the 80's throughout the entire series…
she tells us that she likes wearing costumes too and that she'll miss 'being able to show one off this year. but, as mimi said, [she] could make one just to wear when [she] pass[es] out goodies.' adding, 'maybe i'll dress up as a smurf. blue makeup would be fun.'
here's hoping she ends up looking more like this:
than this:
she stands up, thanking mimi for helping her with her homework and saying that she wishes she could help her every night. mimi replies, "i know, my claudia, but i think it is better to take turns. some evenings i am busy, and your mother and father like to see your work, too." claudia says, "right," but then bitches in her head:
'so why does janine have to help me? it's because my homework is so boring, no one can stand it for more than one night in a row -- even mimi -- and the less often they have to help me, the better (for them).'
she tells us that she's halfway up the stairs when she changes her mind about spending her evening reading. she wants some quality time with mimi, instead. she turns and runs back downstairs and tells mimi that she wants to work on the portrait she's painting of her. then informs the readers that for her art class they were assigned two projects that semester -- only two?! -- 'one was a still life, and one was a portrait. both were to be done in oils. mimi was the subject of my portrait.' is this the same portrait that claudia ends up talking to after mimi dies? i don't remember.
mimi agrees to sit for her portrait. and i have to wonder how well this will go, since it's supposed to be so dark and cloudy out. don't artists tend to prefer to work in optimal lighting? ah, claudia answers that question for me:
'i know artists are supposed to paint in daylight, but between school and baby-sitting, i didn't have many daylight hours left over. i had to settle for painting in my room with every light blazing.'
it's a good thing dawn isn't in the series yet, or she'd scream at you like the shrill banshee that she is for wasting electricity and killing the environment.
she poses mimi in an easy chair that is apparently in her bedroom. what the hell happened to the easy chair? no one ever sits in it during meetings, they just crowd onto her bed, desk chair, the floor and, of course, kristy sits in her director's chair. this easy chair must've either gotten so infested with roaches in claud's death trap of a room that it had to be thrown out and burned, or it's been buried under a mound of clothing, candy and art supplies since 1986 and that's why we've never heard it being mentioned since.
anyway, moving along…
after claudia has been working for a few minutes, she decides to ask mimi to tell her about when she was a little girl growing up in japan. this chapter seems never ending. it's already nearly 21 ebook pages long.
'mimi smiled and began the story i'd heard so many times before. she was good at talking without moving around. "we were a family very much like this one," she said. "i lived with my parents, my older sister, and my grandfather -- my father's father."
"mimi," i suddenly interrupted, "did you and your sister get along?"
"oh, yes," replied mimi. "my sister was my friend, my dear friend. we studied together and played together. i followed her everywhere and tried to do all the things she did. she was very patient with me."'
hearing this makes claudia upset and she asks mimi, "why aren't janine and i friends?"
because you ostracize her and treat her like shit and turn her into a huge joke in front of your little friends? because you don't give her a chance even though she'll end up proving time and again that she loves you and wants to be friends with you and is perfectly willing to stick her neck out for you and stand up for you even though you treat her like crap? because you're jealous that your parents are so proud of her for being smart and doing well in school? because, by your own admission, you're pretty much failing in school just because you feel like it's pointless to try and compete with her brains and her good grades? because, shock of all shocks, not all siblings get along all the time?
'"being friends takes work," replied mimi quietly. "to be a good friend you must spend time with someone. you must talk to her and try to understand her. that is how you became friends with kristy and mary anne and stacey."
"but janine is impossible to talk to," i protested. "and she never has time for me. well, hardly ever. she helps me with my homework, but that doesn't count."
"and what about you? do you have time for your sister?"
"not very often."
"someday you will be friends," said mimi.'
it's more like you are unwilling to put in the time and effort necessary to try and be friends with janine, claud. just like you're unwilling to put time and effort into your schoolwork.
she goes back to her portrait and mimi goes back to telling claudia about her childhood. when claud is done working for the night, she grabs those liquorice whips she mentioned in the beginning of the chapter out of her desk drawer and pulls her nancy drew book out from under her mattress and settles in for a night of indulging in her favourite guilty pleasures.
she tells us that she had gotten to the fourteenth chapter of her book and that it was 'pretty exciting' but admits that her thoughts had begun to wander to another of her guilty pleasures.
masturbatory fantasies about trevor sandbourne, SMS's resident poet and, according to claud, 'the most gorgeous boy in the entire seventh grade.' his name alone is enough to give her tingly stirrings in her nether regions, because according to her it is the 'most romantic name in the whole world.' really, claud? really? trevor sandbourne is the most romantic name in the world? i would have to respectfully disagree with you on that one.
ah, and we get a description of this twelve year old casanova who has stolen claudia's heart: 'trevor has jet black hair and dark, brooding eyes and freckles on his nose. he walks through the halls looking serious and deep in thought, and he write poetry for the literary voice, our school's creative journal.'
sounds like he probably takes himself very seriously. he probably thinks that his mysterious, brooding poet act will work like an aphrodisiac on all of the preteen girls, too. well, in claud's case, he's right.
'i never dreamed i would fall in love with a poet. the only problem is that trevor and i don't have any classes together, so we don't know each other at all. he probably doesn't even know i'm alive.'
the phone rings as claud is fantasizing about trevor and makes her jump. she reaches for the receiver and i sincerely hope she remembers to wipe her hand off on something before she grabs it. she wonders if there is 'just the teensiest chance that trevor was on the other end.' HAHAHA. good luck! he's twelve years old, his nuts haven't even dropped, he literally hasn't got the balls to call a girl at home yet.
'"hello?"
"hi, claud. it's me."
"hi, stacey."'
i bet she sounded super disappointed as she said that.
'"what are you doing?"
"masturbating thinking about trevor sandbourne. what are you doing?"
"masturbating thinking about sam thomas."'
claud calls a time out to tell us that sam is kristy's brother and that stacey has an 'immense crush on him.' which of course we already know, but she adds this little nugget that i fucking love: 'personally, i think he's too old for her. he's a freshman in high school.' HAHA! oh claudia, if only sam were the oldest of the older boys that stacey would go for. but no, after sam there will be scott the much older lifeguard, ethan…not to mention the oldest of all, wesley, the teacher who turned her down cuz she was jailbait.
'i sighed.
stacey sighed.'
i barfed.
stacey changes the topic, and asks claudia if there's been any baby-sitters club calls. claud says no, but stacey doesn't seem to believe her, because she asks, "really?" claudia answers, "really." i guess she hasn't started hogging jobs yet. we'll have to wait until 'mary anne saves the day' for that.
claudia throws in the full chapter two version of the BSC's history, rules and regulations. this chapter is already way too fucking long, ann, seriously. give it a rest already.
oh, claud has started job hogging already, she straight up admits it: 'i'm supposed to offer the job to all the club members before calling the client back with a sitter. i'll admit that a few times i've forgotten to do this and have taken the job myself on the spot. but i didn't think it was very nice of stacey to imply that i was job hogging.'
har har.
those accusations are only going to get worse in two book's time.
because this chapter isn't long enough, stacey sighs again. claudia asks her if anything is wrong and stacey tells her she just wishes she knew more people. oh, stacey, you might want to quit the BSC then, because it won't be long before the "no outside friends" clause is put into effect.
side note: you know, kristy really nails the role of a paranoid president, she's got that whole "if you're not with us, you're against us" mentality down pat. i'll bet she has a list of enemies hidden somewhere in her room, too. on the top of the list would be cokie and alan.
claudia tries to reassure her brand spanking new bestie by saying, "you will, stace. look, you haven't even been here two months yet. it takes time to make friends." yeah, no worries stacey, soon dawn will be joining your merry band of brain washers, and when you get back to stoneybrook after your temporary move to new york, mallory and jessi will have already been recruited into the cult! you'll be making friends before you know it, just, you know, Kristy Approved Friends ™.
stacey responds, "i guess," still moping. claudia tries to cheer her up, "maybe you and i could get together with kristy and mary anne on saturday. i mean, to do something besides have a club meeting. are you free saturday?"
'"i'm always free," said stacey.
"oh, come on, you are not. you get lots of baby-sitting jobs, and you get to go back to new york with your parents all the time."
"that's not the same as having friends."'
i have to admit, if i were claud i'd probably be thinking, "and what am i? chopped liver?"
claudia tries to jolly her into doing something on saturday and says she'll call kristy and mary anne. hopefully she'll call them in the next chapter, because this one is already so long it's tiring the fuck out of me. nothing is even happening, yet it's so ass-draggingly long.
stacey finally agrees, so claud tells her she'll see her tomorrow and they say their goodbyes.
claudia stares out the window and watches the rain for awhile, pondering what they could all do on saturday. since this is only the second book, richard is still strict so he might not allow mary anne to do much, plus claudia wants to make sure that they end up doing something that doesn't involve a sugar binge, for stacey's sake. but she's determined to make this happen and so vows to talk to kristy and mary anne in school the next day.
she goes back to her book and the chapter is finally fucking over.
CHAPTER TWO
the chapter starts off with claud telling us that the four cult members did end up getting together on saturday but that they couldn't think of anything to do together. what? ms. Idea Machine didn't have any Great Ideas ™? colour me shocked!
mary anne wasn't allowed to ride her bike to the mall and stacey 'couldn't eat s'mores or ice cream or anything fun.' stoneybrook is such a dead end town that there is only one movie playing in the theatre, which claud and kristy had both already seen. jesus christ.
so they spend the afternoon sitting out on kristy's front lawn.
'we were sprawled all over the place, except for stacey who was sitting up primly with her legs tucked under her. she wanted to look nice in case sam should come along or poke his head out the door or something. mary anne had the latest edition of the stoneybrook news spread open in front of her, but she wasn't reading it. we were very, very bored.'
see, that actually sounds realistic, not only for the 80's, but for their age as well. don't know about you guys, but i spent a lot of time in my preteen and teen years bored out of my skull.
'"we could go up in the attic and look through that trunk of antique toys that mom got from grandma's," kristy suggested.'
i'm impressed, she's actually suggesting that they go play instead of plotting world domination! and also, even at my age, checking out a trunk of antique toys sounds like fun. i love antiques and antique toys and dolls are awesome. race you to the attic, kristy!
stacey and claudia rolls their eyes. because they're too cool and sophisticated to look at toys, let alone play with them, unless they can use baby-sitting as an excuse. you girls are twelve. don't be so quick to throw your childhood away.
claudia tells us that 'even though kristy and mary anne are in seventh grade, just like stacey and i are, they can be very childish.'
uh, yeah, because they are children, and so are you and stacey.
'they're not interested in boys or clothes yet, and sometimes they do the weirdest things. mary anne still dresses up stuffed animals.'
there's nothing wrong with that, claudia. and you still have that rag doll or whatever it is, that you'll end up leaving at stacey's at a sleepover so she has to hide it from laine when she visits from new york later in the series. so you're not one to shit talk.
claudia says that kristy and mary anne even look younger, which is basically an excuse to describe her friends. since we all know what mary anne and kristy look like, i'm going to skim. ann was so much sneakier when it came to what ended up becoming the classic chapter two info-dump. she scatters all of the life story, character traits, club history, etc throughout the damned book instead of confining it to one chapter. it's throwing me off.
after the info dump, mary anne starts to suggest they go check out a new cookie place, but stops when she remembers stacey's diabetes. claudia suggests that they rent a movie to watch on stacey's VCR. kristy and mary anne are all for that, but stacey informs them that the VCR is broken.
claud decides to relieve the crushing boredom by letting the girls in on a little secret. it's not as earth shattering as stacey's big diabetes reveal, but it's something at least:
'"i'll tell you guys a secret," i said. "well, stacey knows about this, but no one else does."
"how come you already told stacey?" asked kristy accusingly.'
ah, the insane jealousy and paranoia begins!
'"i just did, that's all. okay?"
i saw kristy and mary anne glance at each other and knew what they were thinking -- that stacey and i left them out of things. well, maybe we did sometimes.
"do you want to know the secret or not?"
"yes," said kristy grudgingly.
"okay. well, here it is…" i said slowly, trying to drag out the suspense. "i'm in love!"'
ah, teen and preteen love!
have fun with that, claud, because it won't fucking last.
'"ohh!" said mary anne softly.
"you are?" cried kristy at the same time.
"who with?" asked mary anne.
i sighed deeply. "trevor sandbourne." i closed my eyes and leaned against the maple tree.'
right now i wish that trevor had ended up on a cover or an illustration, something, because i want to know what was supposed to be so dreamy about this dude.
'"trevor sandbourne?" repeated kristy.
mary anne squinted at me through her reading glasses and pushed one braid behind her shoulder. "who's he?"
"only the most gorgeous boy in school."'
i wonder if he looks as epically tragic as logan or bart?
'"i don't think i've heard of him. is he in our grade?"
"yup. he's a poet," i said. i tried to describe him.'
this is maddening, so i'm just going to picture him as a sad 80's preteen goth "poet" dude.
introducing, trevor the brooding goth poet!
'"oh!" exclaimed kristy, right in the middle of my description. "i know who you mean. he's really quiet. he's in my math class. he sits in the row behind me -- right next to alan gray."
"oh, you poor thing," i said. "alan gray. ick."'
you girls just can't pass up on an opportunity to shit talk alan, can you? hey, claud, you're going to be dating him by the time middle school graduation rolls around. i hope the fact that you used to shit on him with your friends makes you feel at least a little guilty.
mary anne says "yeah," which is an excuse for claudia to info-dump mary anne's life history on us. good god, when will the sneaky info-dumping end? it's throwing me off the fucking plot. or, well, more like non-plot, since nothing is even happening yet.
stacey asks who alan is, so kristy happily evacuates her bowels all over him and his reputation:
'"alan gray," said kristy witheringly, "is the most disgusting boy in this whole solar system. he's been awful since kindergarten. probably since birth. and i can tell you it's no picnic having alan sit right in back of me. yesterday he told mr. peters that i was late for class because i had to go to the doctor for a flea bath."'
now kristin, you can't exactly fault the boy for telling the truth.
'"that's awful!" exclaimed stacey.
"i know. he really hates me. he doesn't bother anyone else half as much as he bothers me."'
hey kristy, when i was about your age, my father told me that relentless teasing is actually how boys show you they've got a crush on you. now, i don't know if that's actually true, but it's worth thinking about.
oh sweet, now we get the kristy vs. alan origin story! or, well, part of it, anyway:
'"well, you are the only girl who ever fought him back, you know," i pointed out.
"yeah," said kristy with a grin.
a slow smile spread across mary anne's face as she remembered what we were talking about. even mary anne had thought it was funny.
"what?" demanded stacey, looking frustrated.
"fifth grade," i began. "that year, kristy, mary anne, alan and i were all in the same class. kristy really got alan. he'd been tormenting us -- all the girls, really -- for the entire year, and by june we had had it. so one day, kristy comes to school and brags about this fantastic lunch her mother has packed: a chocolate cupcake, fritos, fruit salad, a ham and cheese sandwich, two hershey's kisses -- really great stuff. kristy says it's a reward for something or other. and she says the lunch is so great she's got to protect it by keeping it in her desk instead of in the coat room. so, of course, alan steals the bag out of her desk during the morning. then at noon in the cafeteria, he makes this big production out of opening it."'
wait, i have to stop here and ask, why would he be showing off and broadcasting the fact that he'd stolen her lunch? if you're going to steal someone's lunch, wouldn't you eat it in private just so you wouldn't get caught or have it be fucking obvious that you were the one who'd stolen it? this makes no sense to me. but then, logic doesn't exist in stoneybrook, so i'm breaking my brain for nothing.
as we were…
'"he's sitting at the boys' table and they're all crowded around, and us girls are looking on from the next table. alan is the centre of attention, which is just what he wants."
"and just what i wanted," added kristy.
"right. so alan carefully takes all the packages and containers out of the bag and spreads them in front of him. then he begins to open them. in one he finds dead spiders, in another he finds a mud pie."
"david michael had made it for me," said kristy.'
i'm surprised she didn't add a tupperware container of louie's shit, to be honest. ten year old kristy had some self-restraint at least.
'"she'd even wrapped up a sandwich with fake flies stuck on it."
stacey began to giggle.
"it was great," said mary anne. "everyone was laughing. and kristy had packed a real lunch for herself which she'd kept in the coat room. all afternoon, the kids kept telling her how terrific her trick had been."
"the only bad thing," said kristy, "is that ever since, alan has thought he has to bother me constantly in order to keep up his reputation. he's like the plague."
"thank goodness trevor isn't like that," i said.'
yeah, gotta bring it back around to the object of your affection, right claud? ah well, at least it'll shut down this shit talking session.
'"if he was, you wouldn't have fallen in love with him," stacey pointed out.'
i love how they always think preteen crushes are "true love." they never really just say they have a crush, it's pretty much always LOVE/LUV. but other than mary anne and logan, none of these relationships ever last. and with mary anne and logan, it wasn't "love" that kept them together for so long, it was mutual co-dependency and logan's weird, manipulative, bordering on abusive, behaviour.
claudia says, "that's true. poets are sensitive and thoughtful." which kind of makes me laugh, because there have been famous poets who could be massive dicks in their actual relationships. ted hughes, for example.
the girls drift back into silent boredom, so mary anne starts flipping through the newspaper again. she announces that taylor's is going to have a sale, but nobody gives a shit. claudia admits to us that while mary anne was talking 'i had closed my eyes and was trying to conjure up a picture of trevor in my mind.' i'm impressed that claudia actually knows the word "conjure."
mary anne tries again, "there was a fire at the mall this week." but instead of freaking out over all the potentially burned clothes she'll never get to wear, claudia just says, "mmm." i guess that means she conjured up an image of naked trevor.
mary anne has another hit and miss with, "everyone's supposed to get flu shots by november." which just gets the exact same reaction as the mall burning down.
then mary anne screams, shaking the other three out of their fantasies and kool-aid stupors.
'"aughhh!"
kristy, stacey, and i jerked to attention.
"what is it? what is it?" i cried.'
it's a plot, claudia. finally.
'mary anne had turned pale. with one shaking hand, she pointed at the paper. with the other hand, she held the paper away from her, as if it might bite.
"is something on the paper?" i shrieked. i jumped away. i absolutely hate spiders.
"no, in the paper," mary anne managed to say.
kristy grabbed it from her and she and stacey kneeled on the ground and leaned over the pages mary anne had it opened to.
"'angry pig goes hog wild'?" asked kristy, reading one of the larger headlines.'
angry pig goes hog wild? man, it must've been a slow fucking news day in stoneybrook if that is one of the bigger headlines. but then, stoneybrook seems to have perpetually slow news days, which is why the BSC ends up in the paper all the damned time.
'"no!" cried mary anne.
"'depressed trucker drives self crazy'?" asked stacey.'
what the fuck is it with the cheesy headlines in this newspaper? it sounds more on par with the weekly world news than an actual, reputable news source. they make everything sound like a fucking joke. i mean, i legit feel bad for that depressed trucker right now.
but, thankfully, we finally, finally get to the good shit. it feels like it's taken forever, probably because i'm already on page 54 of the ebook. jesus.
'"no!"
"what is it, mary anne? just tell us," i shouted. "you're driving us crazy."
mary anne had calmed down a little. she took the paper back and read: "'phantom caller on rampage in mercer.'" she cleared her throat and glanced at us. then she began to read again. "'the thief, whom police have nicknamed the phantom caller, struck again in mercer on tuesday night. following the pattern of his previous burglaries, he began making phone calls, this time to the home of thornton and sophia granville of 236 witmer court, shortly after four p.m. he never spoke, simply hanging up the phone when someone answered. the granvilles left their home at seven-thirty to attend a meeting of the school board. when they returned at ten-fifteen, they found all of mrs. granville's jewelry missing. nothing else had been taken, despite the fact that a considerable amount of silver, as well as thornton granville's famous and very valuable coin collection, were in the house."'
uh, hey, stoneybrook news reporter? maybe not mention all the valuables that the burglar missed. these people don't need you giving anyone else a head's up about all the other expensive shit they own that can be stolen. i know you probably got excited about having a real news story, after being forced to pump out nothing but soul crushing editorials like 'angry pig goes hog wild,' for the last decade, but show some fucking restraint and common sense, all right?
'"this is the sixth home the phantom caller has robbed in the past two weeks, and the second home in mercer. the first four robberies occurred in new hope.'" mary anne stopped reading.
"so what is so scary about that?" asked stacey. "you should hear what goes on in new york city every day."
"but don't you see?" asked mary anne. "he's getting closer and closer to stoneybrook -- to us. first new hope, then mercer. stoneybrook is the nearest town to mercer."
"well, it's still twenty miles away," i said. "does he always steal jewelry?"
"yes," replied mary anne. "just jewelry. it says in the next paragraph that he really knows what he's looking for. now here's the scary part: he makes those phone calls to find out whether anyone's home. but sometimes if the people don't go out he robs them anyway, and they don't know it until they realize the jewelry's missing. he's in the house while they are. he's never hurt anyone, but what do you think he'd do if he met someone face-to-face in the middle of a burglary? now think about this," she went on. "we don't know what kind of jewelry the people we baby-sit for have."'
'"oh," said stacey. "no one around here is as rich as those granvilles sound."'
i guess you haven't had the chance to travel across town to millionaire's row yet, huh stace? there are definitely people in this town who are rich enough to be targets.
'"but maybe it doesn't matter," said kristy. "and what if the phantom caller were watching the house or something and saw the parents go out. he might go ahead and rob it if he thought just a baby-sitter and a couple of little kids were there."'
'"i still don't know," said stacey. "i think you guys are worrying about nothing."'
dun dun d -- wait, logic? damn, we are early in the series. don't worry stacey, kristy will drug the logic right outta that permed little head of yours, she's already plotting Great Ideas ™ for how to make the kool-aid stronger and more effective so it will work on free thinking out of towers such as yourself.
'suddenly i clapped my hand to my mouth. "oh, my gosh!" i cried.
"what?" the others shouted.
"when i baby-sat for the marshalls on wednesday, the phone rang twice and each time i answered it, the caller hung up without saying a word!"
"oh, no!"
"you're kidding!"'
maybe the person on the other end of the line was calling for one of the marshalls and thought they kept getting the wrong number because they didn't recognize your voice?
oh, sorry, i forgot, logic is forbidden. it's like, the third rule of the baby-sitters cult.
the chapter ends with kristy speaking the fateful words that will henceforth be repeated throughout the entirety of the series:
'"i think," said kristy seriously, "that we should hold an emergency meeting of the baby-sitters club -- right now."
well, due to space constraints -- thanks livejournal! -- that's it for now, but stay tuned for part two!
holy shit, my first snark of an actual ann m martin book! i'm used to dealing with the ghostwriters, so this should be pretty trippy. but it was the first baby-sitters club book i ever read, so it has a special place in my heart. i just realized that this will also be my first claudia snark! man, diving in with both feet today, aren't i?
this is the only cover of this book in my mind. that awful remade cover they did in the 90's? i rebuke it in the name of lucille ball. that thing is a fucking wreck.
claudia's wearing a sweater that would fit in really well at an ugly sweater party, or a bill cosby (BOO!! HISS!) convention. it's fugly, for sure. her hair appears to be chocolate brown, rather than jet black as it's described in the series…hmmm…but she's wearing it in braids instead of her usual godawful side pony tail. oh, and the toddler on the cover is the ever fabulous kirsten dunst, as a baby.
pictured: kirsten dunst, totally not as a baby
but that trivia is so old, i'm sure it's not breaking news for anyone reading this.
also, claudia looks like she's bored out of her skull listening to janine trying to explain physics to her on the other end of the line, instead of being absolutely terrified that the phantom caller is going to break into the house while she's sitting, as she should be…but something about that pink cover, claudia's epic 80's sweater and the simplicity of it all as a whole makes my little heart sing. oh, sweet nostalgia!
just for fun, i will discuss/dissect the 90's cover AND the british cover, for your -- let's be real, my own -- enjoyment!
well, she's wearing a sweater vest instead of her 80's ugly sweater, which is looking better and better all the time now i'm looking at her boring, fug outfit on this version of the cover. she's also wearing her hair in a side ponytail, because she was rarely allowed to have any other hairstyle on the covers, even though they always raved in the books about how she liked to try new hairstyles all the time. the covers are calling you out on your lies, claudia -- it's a side pony or nothing! looks like she borrowed one of dawn's boring blue button down shirts that she always wore on the covers. nothing wrong with a button down shirt, but because of dawn's obsession with them, i now feel queasy when i see them on these covers. and also suspect they are denim every time. the little girl is okay i guess, whatever, she's no kirsten, that's for sure. oh, and claudia actually looks a little freaked out, but she could also be annoyed and slightly pissed because kristy is on the other end of the line telling her that they're going to be throwing yet another huge party for all the kids they sit for and that she needs claudia to make up five dozen invitations by dinnertime. which is in ten minutes. fucking kristy, man.
it always weirds me out that these british covers look like we're supposed to be spying through their bedroom windows or some shit. dunno about you all, but i'm no peeping tom. stop being creepy, british cover artists.
other than the creepy perving aspect, claudia looks mildly concerned? bemused? she's on the verge of biting her fingernail, that's for sure. other than that one indicator of distress though, her expression is pretty fucking nondescript. she certainly doesn't appear to be scared for her life. it looks more like she's thinking "hmmm, IS my refrigerator running?!"
all of these covers fail in that regard. but the original is still my favourite.
now onto the actual book…
jesus, this book was written in 1986. which makes it thirty fucking years old this year. this realization only serves as a reminder that i am fucking old, because i'll be four years older than this book in august. oh, god…be right back...
okay, i feel better now. i can do this.
since this was written by ann herself, we get an actual dedication instead of a 'grateful acknowledgement' from ann to the ghostwriter du jour.
'this book is for brenda bowen and jean feiwel with gratitude.'
damn, now i want to know who the hell jean and brenda are…okay, i dragged out ann's bio because i recognized jean's name, and sure enough, it's in there. she was one of the editorial directors at scholastic in the 80's. not only that, but she was the one who actually came up with the for the baby-sitters club series:
'jean was then an editorial director at scholastic, she'd worked with ann before, and she had a great idea [what, not a Great Idea ™?] for a new series. it would be about a group of girls who did a lot of baby-sitting, and it would be called the baby-sitters club. the series would start with just four books. she wanted ann to write them. ann agreed, and the rest is history.'
--page 135 of ann m martin: the story of the author of the baby-sitters club by margot becker r. with ann m martin.
now i just need to see if brenda is referenced in the bio.
oh my god, you won't believe this shit.
we now know who to blame for the major editing fails!
bethany buck is the series editor, so she failed the most but for the first twenty books, we have brenda bowen herself to blame!
'…and then there's bethany buck, the series editor. a different editor, brenda bowen, worked with ann on the first twenty books. when she left scholastic, bethany took her place as editor of the baby-sitters club books. bethany, like brenda before her, is responsible for coordinating all the people involved with creating and publishing the books. she also edits every one of the baby-sitters club and little sisters books, with some help.'
-page 139 of ann m martin: the story of the author of the baby-sitters club by margot becker r. with ann m martin.
with some help from who? jack daniels?
so this book was dedicated to ann's fail editor and the woman who came up with the idea for the series in the first place. the "gratitude" is well placed when it comes to jean, because that woman's idea made her a millionaire.
well, i'm assuming she's a millionaire, since she was selling millions of copies of these books each year during it's heyday, according to the biography. i tried looking up her net worth online but couldn't find it. though, she was interviewed in forbes magazine back in 2010, but the forbes.com site won't let me access her interview, possibly because i use an ad-blocker. ha.
i found one site that estimates her net worth as of 2016 to be a million dollars, but that figure was just estimated by users of the site, so i doubt it's reliability. i'm kind of angry at the internet right now for having failed me so in my quest.
but i did find out that according to this article we also have ann herselfto blame for the bad editing:
"(With the publishing schedule calling for more than one new volume every month, Martin could not write each book, though she wrote all the outlines and edited anything she didn’t write.)"
emphasis mine. by the way, it appears that the same laura godwin mentioned in this article as being her collaborator on the doll people series is/was her girlfriend!
just thought y'all would like that bit of trivia.
jesus. i just realized how much i've written without even starting the actual snark. my deepest apologies. so now, without any further adieu, the snark:
CHAPTER ONE
okay guys, i have to admit that i'm actually excited about this, because i always loved this book so much. fingers crossed i can do it justice without managing to ruin it for myself in the process.
the chapter starts with ann/claudia getting all atmospheric on our asses. seriously, she's really trying to set the mood for the book here:
'the evening was gloomy and windy, with rain streaming down from heavy clouds that blocked the moon.'
claudia must've had her nose firmly planted in a nancy drew book, because this is about as literary as she will ever come across as sounding.
'i thought it was the perfect night to a) curl up with the phantom of pine hill -- a really spooky nancy drew mystery -- and the liquorice whips i'd hidden in my desk,'
claudia, i have to stop you right here and sarcastically thank you for my now lifelong addiction to sugar. it was the constant mention of candy in this series, coupled with the bullshit lies about how you could eat a metric tonne of sugar and fat every day and still manage to stay thin, that has contributed not only to my sugar addiction but the fucked up thinking i had for years about how my body must be fucking flawed because i can't eat what i want and still pull off a "perfect" figure like you did. i guess i was as dumb when it comes to the meaning of "fiction" as mallory is when i was a child. some messages are hard to erase when they've been drilled into your head to the point of brainwashing.
'or b) work on the still life i'd started and daydream about trevor sandbourne. but "no," my dad said, "homework first, claudia," and there's no arguing with dad.'
well, that sucks for you. but your dad is probably right, you know. especially considering your grades. and your atrocious spelling.
'besides, we have an agreement, my parents and i. the agreement is that if i get all my homework done every night (with someone in my family supervising me), i can continue to take my art classes. more important, i can stay in the baby-sitters club.'
her parents probably should've kept this up, to be honest. when did the nightly homework supervision/help stop anyway? when mimi died? that would be fucking sad.
since claudia mentioned the club and this is only the second book of the series, we get a chapter two right smack dab in the middle of chapter one! i'll skim because it's so early in the series and ann is writing it. there might be something funny/interesting but i kind of doubt it.
oh, it's not a proper chapter two rundown on the club, but that's probably because it's only the second book. she does mention that she almost 'blew it', meaning her membership in the club, i guess, 'when the school sent a letter home to my parents saying that i wasn't working up to potential and stuff like that. my parents are used to those letters -- they get them about twice a year -- but what they hadn't expected to find out was that i had done almost none of my homework since school started. that's when mom and dad laid down the law.'
hold up, you had done almost none of your homework since school started? jesus christ, claudia, it's no wonder your parents are such hard asses in the beginning of the series! they probably didn't want you to end up dropping out of school before you even started the eighth grade, for god's sake.
claudia tells us that the problem with homework is that she has attention deficit disorder it bores the living fuck out of her and she can't concentrate. well, i have a lot of trouble concentrating too, claud, especially if it's something that bores me, but it's because i have ADD. i think you have ADD and are dyslexic, but god knows ann will never admit that, even with all of the classic signs you've displayed since the beginning of the series.
claudia/ann goes on to tell the young, impressionable readers that homework is 'useless.' thanks for that, claud/ann! and oh the irony that a book published by a company called scholastic of all things, would brazenly declare that homework/education is useless.
claudia continues, saying, 'who cares whether > means greater or less than, or what x equals? (besides, why bother finding out since x equals something different every time?) the only school thing i like to do is read, and the teachers even take the fun out of that. they don't care that i can almost always solve a mystery before the detective in the story can. they just care that i don't know what an adverb is.'
well, as someone who was homeschooled/self-taught most of her life, i can't comment on middle school teachers or classes in any way, but i know the professor who taught the university course i took in my twenties sure loved to suck all the fun and enjoyment out of reading and writing. she was a shitty professor though, to be perfectly honest, so i don't know if it would've been a more enjoyable experience if the course had been taught by someone who was at least marginally competent.
claudia tells us that none of this would be so bad if it weren't for janine and then goes on a rant about how janine is a genius with an I.Q. of 196 and so is obviously pure evil for daring to have to not only a functioning brain, but one that far out-strips her own. claudia lets us in on a little secret, but you've got to promise not to tell anybody or else they'll realize just how much of a slacker she really is:
'actually, i'll tell you a secret. my I.Q. is also above average. everyone is amazed, since i can barely spell, but that's why my parents and teachers come down so hard on me. i'm smart, but i'm not a good student. they say if i'd just pay attention and concentrate, i could do fine in school.'
so why doesn't she? why doesn't she apply herself in the least? well, as claudia goes on to add after telling us just how smart she really is:
'but who cares? i'd never live up to janine.'
so…since you figure you can't compete, you won't even try to do well? i'm sorry, claud, but i honestly don't believe that's the only reason you suck ass in school. i truly believe you have at least one undiagnosed learning disability. or maybe it actually has been diagnosed, but your parents haven't told you for fear you'd just give up all together.
and if it really is just because you feel you can't live up to your sister's level of achievement, that's completely fucked up. you're throwing away your education just because you can't compete with your sister and you're keeping yourself considerably dumber than the majority of your peers -- hell, than the majority of the kids you sit for! this is so maddening it just broke my fucking brain.
claudia continues to rag on janine for being smart and saying all of those big smart people words that only smart people understand. i mean, what a nerd, right? she actually knows what an adverb is!
claudia gives us an example of what an insufferable brain janine is to have as a sister:
'yesterday morning all i did was go, "janine, it's cold out. mom wants you to close your window before you leave for school," and you know what she said? she said, "i find it fascinating that in our society we attempt to regulate the temperature of our environment rather than our bodies. it's so much more difficult and it's highly inefficient. primitive peoples and peoples in various other societies existing today tend toward mere addition or removal of clothing, while we invite the use of heating units and air conditioners."'
but all claudia really hears is:
Click to viewas her one remaining brain cell screams: NERD ALERT, NERD ALERT!
claudia tells us that she 'didn't even know there was such a word as peoples.' considering this is the same claudia kishi who would go on to write "who are you?" instead of "how are you?" i would've been surprised if she had known that.
she finally stops chapter two-ing in chapter one to go back to telling us about her gloomy evening. her dad had told her that she had to do her homework and i experience a little pang of sadness as she goes on to tell us that he said it was mimi's turn to help her. ah, mimi…you were one of the only decent adults in the 'brook. 'claudia and the sad goodbye' is still one of my least read books in the series, because it makes me cry every time. i probably haven't read that particular book in at least twenty years because of that.
claud informs us that she's supposed to try and do the work on her own, while a family member sits next to her to keep her from daydreaming about candy, art projects and the plots of various nancy drew mysteries. oh, and for this one book, the infamous trevor sandbourne.
they are also there to make sure she does each assignment completely and that she follows directions. and to answer any questions she might have about the work. you know, even though i'm sure this set up was a time consuming pain in the ass for her family, it probably helped keep her on track. she might not have had to repeat the seventh grade later on if they had kept this up.
claudia tells us that 'they're not supposed to do the homework for me, but sometimes i can get janine to give me answers.' so…are you saying you con her into helping you cheat? i guess her big ol' nerd brains come in handy when they're benefiting you, huh claud? she claims it's because her 'dumb homework is so boring' for janine, stating that janine tells her just that at least twice every single time she has to tutor claud. claudia says that because her school work is so fucking boring for her sister, 'she'll do anything to speed it along.' well, claudia, you can't really take offence at that, because you think your homework is boring too.
claudia proves that her brain does in fact consist of one lonely cell that just sits there completely inactive until claud pours a two pound bag of granulated sugar down her gullet to force it to show some signs of life, when she bitches:
'well, i'm sorry. i'm sorry i'm not up to trigonomulus, or whatever it is she does. we can't all be scholars.'
claudia tells us that mimi is the best person to help her, because she's 'quiet and soft-spoken and endlessly patient.' which ann uses to awkwardly segue into telling us that claudia and her family are japanese. everything about ann describing race comes across as completely awkward and kinda squick-ish, to be honest.
here is a stuff mom never told you video that i found fitting for this snark, considering how in every single BSC book claudia is described by the BSC and herself as "exotic":
in the rundown of her family history, we learn that claud's grandfather died before she was born and that mimi brought her mother to the united states when her mom was a little girl. she assures us that while her mother hasn't got even the slightest trace of an accent, and neither does her father, who also immigrated as a child, mimi has 'this pleasant, rolling accent that reminds [her] of a ship at sea.' then goes on to tell us that mimi is 'polite, polite, polite, never speaking a harsh word.'
i'm not even gonna touch that total stereotype. but i will say that this makes me realize that we never hear single a word about her father's family. we don't know if his parents are still alive, or if he has siblings, nothing. not that i can recall, anyway. we only ever hear about her mom's side of the family -- mimi and peaches. what the fuck is up with that?
claudia takes a break from staring off into space and drooling while she tells us her life story when she gets snapped back to the present by mimi asking her about her social studies text.
'"what do we have between the covers of this book?" asked mimi, who thinks books are the eyes into the hearts and lives of other people (peoples?). she told me so once.'
i love you, mimi.
'"social studies," i replied. "we read chapter three in class today. now we have to answer the discussion questions at the end of the chapter…mimi, if they're discussion questions, why aren't we discussing them? how come mr. miller is making us write them down?"'
"because schoolwork is the uber lame and teachers make no sense, my claudia."
sorry, what mimi actually says is, "i do not know, my claudia, but if that is the assignment, then you must complete it as your teacher wishes."
claudia tells us that just a few weeks ago, she would've 'written down one-word answers to the questions or skipped the assignment altogether.' but 'now there was no way out.' that's a good thing though, claud, because you probably would've been sent back to sixth grade before ever reaching the eighth if you kept that shit up.
claud does her homework while mimi looks on and corrects her spelling mistakes now and then or suggests that she 'check [her] punctuation.' once social studies is over, she moves on to math and english. thankfully, we are spared much of the agony of reading about someone doing homework, because soon claudia is done and breathing a sigh of relief 'mixed with boredom.' mimi asks her what she's going to do now and claud admits she's going to read her nancy drew book. then tells us all about how her parents think nancy drew mysteries are trash and so she has to hide them with her junk food. typical chapter two stuff we all know like the back of our hands.
my favourite candy hiding spot of hers will always be that hollow book she had. god, i wanted a hollow book so fucking badly as a kid because of claudia. i didn't even know such a thing existed until i read these books, but after becoming enlightened i would dream up ways to create my own without my parents realizing i had destroyed a book in the process -- see, i figured the only way i'd ever have one would be if i made it myself. i can't remember if i ever really tried though. i may have tried practicing on an old phone book, but i'm not 100% sure on that. even if i did try to make one, i must've failed, or else i'd still have that motherfucker.
mimi asks claud what's happening in the phantom of pine hill, that nancy drew book she mentioned at the beginning of the chapter. claudia just says, "ooh, it's really spooky," so mimi asks her, "you like to be scared, my claudia?"
'"well, yes, i guess so. i mean, when it's just a book, it's fun. look outside, mimi. look at the wind blowing the trees, and the lightening flashing. it's the perfect night to read a mystery."
mimi smiled. "spooky…it's almost halloween," she remarked. "just a few more weeks."
i nodded. "but i think i'm too old to go trick-or-treating."'
claudia, you're only twelve, you can still get away with treat-or-treating! don't throw away a perfectly good chance to dress up and get free candy! well, i guess you'd dress up anyway since you wear costumes every day, but…but…FREE CANDY!!
mimi tells her, "well, then, you can dress up and help us hand out the candy. i'm sure that is almost as fun as tricks-and-treats."
which claudia uses as an excuse to tell her how important clothes and dressing up are to her. it's so fucking confusing and disorienting when all of this character trait-y chapter two-y stuff is so spread out throughout the first damned chapter. stop fucking with my head, ann.
i have to agree with claudia on this point though, 'since you have to get dressed every day, why not at least make it fun?' w0rd.
she goes on to tell us that she likes 'bright colours and big patterns and funny touches, such as earrings made from feathers.' too bad you end up dressing like a walking acid flashback by the 90's claud, with all your psychedelic tie-dyed outfits. you had more flare in the 80's. see, check this outfit out and tell me it isn't at least better than head to toe tie-dye:
'today, for instance, i'm wearing purple pants that stop just below my knees and are held up with suspenders, white tights with clocks on them, a purple-plaid shirt with a matching hat, my high-top sneakers, and lobster earrings.'
she adds that, 'clothes like these are my trademark.' and damn do i ever miss the days when she could actually say that and mean it. i hate her tie-dye outfits, they're almost as bad as dawn's texas tuxedos. actually, they're worse, because we expect so much more from claudia.
claudia, if only you could've dressed like you did in the 80's throughout the entire series…
she tells us that she likes wearing costumes too and that she'll miss 'being able to show one off this year. but, as mimi said, [she] could make one just to wear when [she] pass[es] out goodies.' adding, 'maybe i'll dress up as a smurf. blue makeup would be fun.'
here's hoping she ends up looking more like this:
than this:
she stands up, thanking mimi for helping her with her homework and saying that she wishes she could help her every night. mimi replies, "i know, my claudia, but i think it is better to take turns. some evenings i am busy, and your mother and father like to see your work, too." claudia says, "right," but then bitches in her head:
'so why does janine have to help me? it's because my homework is so boring, no one can stand it for more than one night in a row -- even mimi -- and the less often they have to help me, the better (for them).'
she tells us that she's halfway up the stairs when she changes her mind about spending her evening reading. she wants some quality time with mimi, instead. she turns and runs back downstairs and tells mimi that she wants to work on the portrait she's painting of her. then informs the readers that for her art class they were assigned two projects that semester -- only two?! -- 'one was a still life, and one was a portrait. both were to be done in oils. mimi was the subject of my portrait.' is this the same portrait that claudia ends up talking to after mimi dies? i don't remember.
mimi agrees to sit for her portrait. and i have to wonder how well this will go, since it's supposed to be so dark and cloudy out. don't artists tend to prefer to work in optimal lighting? ah, claudia answers that question for me:
'i know artists are supposed to paint in daylight, but between school and baby-sitting, i didn't have many daylight hours left over. i had to settle for painting in my room with every light blazing.'
it's a good thing dawn isn't in the series yet, or she'd scream at you like the shrill banshee that she is for wasting electricity and killing the environment.
she poses mimi in an easy chair that is apparently in her bedroom. what the hell happened to the easy chair? no one ever sits in it during meetings, they just crowd onto her bed, desk chair, the floor and, of course, kristy sits in her director's chair. this easy chair must've either gotten so infested with roaches in claud's death trap of a room that it had to be thrown out and burned, or it's been buried under a mound of clothing, candy and art supplies since 1986 and that's why we've never heard it being mentioned since.
anyway, moving along…
after claudia has been working for a few minutes, she decides to ask mimi to tell her about when she was a little girl growing up in japan. this chapter seems never ending. it's already nearly 21 ebook pages long.
'mimi smiled and began the story i'd heard so many times before. she was good at talking without moving around. "we were a family very much like this one," she said. "i lived with my parents, my older sister, and my grandfather -- my father's father."
"mimi," i suddenly interrupted, "did you and your sister get along?"
"oh, yes," replied mimi. "my sister was my friend, my dear friend. we studied together and played together. i followed her everywhere and tried to do all the things she did. she was very patient with me."'
hearing this makes claudia upset and she asks mimi, "why aren't janine and i friends?"
because you ostracize her and treat her like shit and turn her into a huge joke in front of your little friends? because you don't give her a chance even though she'll end up proving time and again that she loves you and wants to be friends with you and is perfectly willing to stick her neck out for you and stand up for you even though you treat her like crap? because you're jealous that your parents are so proud of her for being smart and doing well in school? because, by your own admission, you're pretty much failing in school just because you feel like it's pointless to try and compete with her brains and her good grades? because, shock of all shocks, not all siblings get along all the time?
'"being friends takes work," replied mimi quietly. "to be a good friend you must spend time with someone. you must talk to her and try to understand her. that is how you became friends with kristy and mary anne and stacey."
"but janine is impossible to talk to," i protested. "and she never has time for me. well, hardly ever. she helps me with my homework, but that doesn't count."
"and what about you? do you have time for your sister?"
"not very often."
"someday you will be friends," said mimi.'
it's more like you are unwilling to put in the time and effort necessary to try and be friends with janine, claud. just like you're unwilling to put time and effort into your schoolwork.
she goes back to her portrait and mimi goes back to telling claudia about her childhood. when claud is done working for the night, she grabs those liquorice whips she mentioned in the beginning of the chapter out of her desk drawer and pulls her nancy drew book out from under her mattress and settles in for a night of indulging in her favourite guilty pleasures.
she tells us that she had gotten to the fourteenth chapter of her book and that it was 'pretty exciting' but admits that her thoughts had begun to wander to another of her guilty pleasures.
masturbatory fantasies about trevor sandbourne, SMS's resident poet and, according to claud, 'the most gorgeous boy in the entire seventh grade.' his name alone is enough to give her tingly stirrings in her nether regions, because according to her it is the 'most romantic name in the whole world.' really, claud? really? trevor sandbourne is the most romantic name in the world? i would have to respectfully disagree with you on that one.
ah, and we get a description of this twelve year old casanova who has stolen claudia's heart: 'trevor has jet black hair and dark, brooding eyes and freckles on his nose. he walks through the halls looking serious and deep in thought, and he write poetry for the literary voice, our school's creative journal.'
sounds like he probably takes himself very seriously. he probably thinks that his mysterious, brooding poet act will work like an aphrodisiac on all of the preteen girls, too. well, in claud's case, he's right.
'i never dreamed i would fall in love with a poet. the only problem is that trevor and i don't have any classes together, so we don't know each other at all. he probably doesn't even know i'm alive.'
the phone rings as claud is fantasizing about trevor and makes her jump. she reaches for the receiver and i sincerely hope she remembers to wipe her hand off on something before she grabs it. she wonders if there is 'just the teensiest chance that trevor was on the other end.' HAHAHA. good luck! he's twelve years old, his nuts haven't even dropped, he literally hasn't got the balls to call a girl at home yet.
'"hello?"
"hi, claud. it's me."
"hi, stacey."'
i bet she sounded super disappointed as she said that.
'"what are you doing?"
"masturbating thinking about trevor sandbourne. what are you doing?"
"masturbating thinking about sam thomas."'
claud calls a time out to tell us that sam is kristy's brother and that stacey has an 'immense crush on him.' which of course we already know, but she adds this little nugget that i fucking love: 'personally, i think he's too old for her. he's a freshman in high school.' HAHA! oh claudia, if only sam were the oldest of the older boys that stacey would go for. but no, after sam there will be scott the much older lifeguard, ethan…not to mention the oldest of all, wesley, the teacher who turned her down cuz she was jailbait.
'i sighed.
stacey sighed.'
i barfed.
stacey changes the topic, and asks claudia if there's been any baby-sitters club calls. claud says no, but stacey doesn't seem to believe her, because she asks, "really?" claudia answers, "really." i guess she hasn't started hogging jobs yet. we'll have to wait until 'mary anne saves the day' for that.
claudia throws in the full chapter two version of the BSC's history, rules and regulations. this chapter is already way too fucking long, ann, seriously. give it a rest already.
oh, claud has started job hogging already, she straight up admits it: 'i'm supposed to offer the job to all the club members before calling the client back with a sitter. i'll admit that a few times i've forgotten to do this and have taken the job myself on the spot. but i didn't think it was very nice of stacey to imply that i was job hogging.'
har har.
those accusations are only going to get worse in two book's time.
because this chapter isn't long enough, stacey sighs again. claudia asks her if anything is wrong and stacey tells her she just wishes she knew more people. oh, stacey, you might want to quit the BSC then, because it won't be long before the "no outside friends" clause is put into effect.
side note: you know, kristy really nails the role of a paranoid president, she's got that whole "if you're not with us, you're against us" mentality down pat. i'll bet she has a list of enemies hidden somewhere in her room, too. on the top of the list would be cokie and alan.
claudia tries to reassure her brand spanking new bestie by saying, "you will, stace. look, you haven't even been here two months yet. it takes time to make friends." yeah, no worries stacey, soon dawn will be joining your merry band of brain washers, and when you get back to stoneybrook after your temporary move to new york, mallory and jessi will have already been recruited into the cult! you'll be making friends before you know it, just, you know, Kristy Approved Friends ™.
stacey responds, "i guess," still moping. claudia tries to cheer her up, "maybe you and i could get together with kristy and mary anne on saturday. i mean, to do something besides have a club meeting. are you free saturday?"
'"i'm always free," said stacey.
"oh, come on, you are not. you get lots of baby-sitting jobs, and you get to go back to new york with your parents all the time."
"that's not the same as having friends."'
i have to admit, if i were claud i'd probably be thinking, "and what am i? chopped liver?"
claudia tries to jolly her into doing something on saturday and says she'll call kristy and mary anne. hopefully she'll call them in the next chapter, because this one is already so long it's tiring the fuck out of me. nothing is even happening, yet it's so ass-draggingly long.
stacey finally agrees, so claud tells her she'll see her tomorrow and they say their goodbyes.
claudia stares out the window and watches the rain for awhile, pondering what they could all do on saturday. since this is only the second book, richard is still strict so he might not allow mary anne to do much, plus claudia wants to make sure that they end up doing something that doesn't involve a sugar binge, for stacey's sake. but she's determined to make this happen and so vows to talk to kristy and mary anne in school the next day.
she goes back to her book and the chapter is finally fucking over.
CHAPTER TWO
the chapter starts off with claud telling us that the four cult members did end up getting together on saturday but that they couldn't think of anything to do together. what? ms. Idea Machine didn't have any Great Ideas ™? colour me shocked!
mary anne wasn't allowed to ride her bike to the mall and stacey 'couldn't eat s'mores or ice cream or anything fun.' stoneybrook is such a dead end town that there is only one movie playing in the theatre, which claud and kristy had both already seen. jesus christ.
so they spend the afternoon sitting out on kristy's front lawn.
'we were sprawled all over the place, except for stacey who was sitting up primly with her legs tucked under her. she wanted to look nice in case sam should come along or poke his head out the door or something. mary anne had the latest edition of the stoneybrook news spread open in front of her, but she wasn't reading it. we were very, very bored.'
see, that actually sounds realistic, not only for the 80's, but for their age as well. don't know about you guys, but i spent a lot of time in my preteen and teen years bored out of my skull.
'"we could go up in the attic and look through that trunk of antique toys that mom got from grandma's," kristy suggested.'
i'm impressed, she's actually suggesting that they go play instead of plotting world domination! and also, even at my age, checking out a trunk of antique toys sounds like fun. i love antiques and antique toys and dolls are awesome. race you to the attic, kristy!
stacey and claudia rolls their eyes. because they're too cool and sophisticated to look at toys, let alone play with them, unless they can use baby-sitting as an excuse. you girls are twelve. don't be so quick to throw your childhood away.
claudia tells us that 'even though kristy and mary anne are in seventh grade, just like stacey and i are, they can be very childish.'
uh, yeah, because they are children, and so are you and stacey.
'they're not interested in boys or clothes yet, and sometimes they do the weirdest things. mary anne still dresses up stuffed animals.'
there's nothing wrong with that, claudia. and you still have that rag doll or whatever it is, that you'll end up leaving at stacey's at a sleepover so she has to hide it from laine when she visits from new york later in the series. so you're not one to shit talk.
claudia says that kristy and mary anne even look younger, which is basically an excuse to describe her friends. since we all know what mary anne and kristy look like, i'm going to skim. ann was so much sneakier when it came to what ended up becoming the classic chapter two info-dump. she scatters all of the life story, character traits, club history, etc throughout the damned book instead of confining it to one chapter. it's throwing me off.
after the info dump, mary anne starts to suggest they go check out a new cookie place, but stops when she remembers stacey's diabetes. claudia suggests that they rent a movie to watch on stacey's VCR. kristy and mary anne are all for that, but stacey informs them that the VCR is broken.
claud decides to relieve the crushing boredom by letting the girls in on a little secret. it's not as earth shattering as stacey's big diabetes reveal, but it's something at least:
'"i'll tell you guys a secret," i said. "well, stacey knows about this, but no one else does."
"how come you already told stacey?" asked kristy accusingly.'
ah, the insane jealousy and paranoia begins!
'"i just did, that's all. okay?"
i saw kristy and mary anne glance at each other and knew what they were thinking -- that stacey and i left them out of things. well, maybe we did sometimes.
"do you want to know the secret or not?"
"yes," said kristy grudgingly.
"okay. well, here it is…" i said slowly, trying to drag out the suspense. "i'm in love!"'
ah, teen and preteen love!
have fun with that, claud, because it won't fucking last.
'"ohh!" said mary anne softly.
"you are?" cried kristy at the same time.
"who with?" asked mary anne.
i sighed deeply. "trevor sandbourne." i closed my eyes and leaned against the maple tree.'
right now i wish that trevor had ended up on a cover or an illustration, something, because i want to know what was supposed to be so dreamy about this dude.
'"trevor sandbourne?" repeated kristy.
mary anne squinted at me through her reading glasses and pushed one braid behind her shoulder. "who's he?"
"only the most gorgeous boy in school."'
i wonder if he looks as epically tragic as logan or bart?
'"i don't think i've heard of him. is he in our grade?"
"yup. he's a poet," i said. i tried to describe him.'
this is maddening, so i'm just going to picture him as a sad 80's preteen goth "poet" dude.
introducing, trevor the brooding goth poet!
'"oh!" exclaimed kristy, right in the middle of my description. "i know who you mean. he's really quiet. he's in my math class. he sits in the row behind me -- right next to alan gray."
"oh, you poor thing," i said. "alan gray. ick."'
you girls just can't pass up on an opportunity to shit talk alan, can you? hey, claud, you're going to be dating him by the time middle school graduation rolls around. i hope the fact that you used to shit on him with your friends makes you feel at least a little guilty.
mary anne says "yeah," which is an excuse for claudia to info-dump mary anne's life history on us. good god, when will the sneaky info-dumping end? it's throwing me off the fucking plot. or, well, more like non-plot, since nothing is even happening yet.
stacey asks who alan is, so kristy happily evacuates her bowels all over him and his reputation:
'"alan gray," said kristy witheringly, "is the most disgusting boy in this whole solar system. he's been awful since kindergarten. probably since birth. and i can tell you it's no picnic having alan sit right in back of me. yesterday he told mr. peters that i was late for class because i had to go to the doctor for a flea bath."'
now kristin, you can't exactly fault the boy for telling the truth.
'"that's awful!" exclaimed stacey.
"i know. he really hates me. he doesn't bother anyone else half as much as he bothers me."'
hey kristy, when i was about your age, my father told me that relentless teasing is actually how boys show you they've got a crush on you. now, i don't know if that's actually true, but it's worth thinking about.
oh sweet, now we get the kristy vs. alan origin story! or, well, part of it, anyway:
'"well, you are the only girl who ever fought him back, you know," i pointed out.
"yeah," said kristy with a grin.
a slow smile spread across mary anne's face as she remembered what we were talking about. even mary anne had thought it was funny.
"what?" demanded stacey, looking frustrated.
"fifth grade," i began. "that year, kristy, mary anne, alan and i were all in the same class. kristy really got alan. he'd been tormenting us -- all the girls, really -- for the entire year, and by june we had had it. so one day, kristy comes to school and brags about this fantastic lunch her mother has packed: a chocolate cupcake, fritos, fruit salad, a ham and cheese sandwich, two hershey's kisses -- really great stuff. kristy says it's a reward for something or other. and she says the lunch is so great she's got to protect it by keeping it in her desk instead of in the coat room. so, of course, alan steals the bag out of her desk during the morning. then at noon in the cafeteria, he makes this big production out of opening it."'
wait, i have to stop here and ask, why would he be showing off and broadcasting the fact that he'd stolen her lunch? if you're going to steal someone's lunch, wouldn't you eat it in private just so you wouldn't get caught or have it be fucking obvious that you were the one who'd stolen it? this makes no sense to me. but then, logic doesn't exist in stoneybrook, so i'm breaking my brain for nothing.
as we were…
'"he's sitting at the boys' table and they're all crowded around, and us girls are looking on from the next table. alan is the centre of attention, which is just what he wants."
"and just what i wanted," added kristy.
"right. so alan carefully takes all the packages and containers out of the bag and spreads them in front of him. then he begins to open them. in one he finds dead spiders, in another he finds a mud pie."
"david michael had made it for me," said kristy.'
i'm surprised she didn't add a tupperware container of louie's shit, to be honest. ten year old kristy had some self-restraint at least.
'"she'd even wrapped up a sandwich with fake flies stuck on it."
stacey began to giggle.
"it was great," said mary anne. "everyone was laughing. and kristy had packed a real lunch for herself which she'd kept in the coat room. all afternoon, the kids kept telling her how terrific her trick had been."
"the only bad thing," said kristy, "is that ever since, alan has thought he has to bother me constantly in order to keep up his reputation. he's like the plague."
"thank goodness trevor isn't like that," i said.'
yeah, gotta bring it back around to the object of your affection, right claud? ah well, at least it'll shut down this shit talking session.
'"if he was, you wouldn't have fallen in love with him," stacey pointed out.'
i love how they always think preteen crushes are "true love." they never really just say they have a crush, it's pretty much always LOVE/LUV. but other than mary anne and logan, none of these relationships ever last. and with mary anne and logan, it wasn't "love" that kept them together for so long, it was mutual co-dependency and logan's weird, manipulative, bordering on abusive, behaviour.
claudia says, "that's true. poets are sensitive and thoughtful." which kind of makes me laugh, because there have been famous poets who could be massive dicks in their actual relationships. ted hughes, for example.
the girls drift back into silent boredom, so mary anne starts flipping through the newspaper again. she announces that taylor's is going to have a sale, but nobody gives a shit. claudia admits to us that while mary anne was talking 'i had closed my eyes and was trying to conjure up a picture of trevor in my mind.' i'm impressed that claudia actually knows the word "conjure."
mary anne tries again, "there was a fire at the mall this week." but instead of freaking out over all the potentially burned clothes she'll never get to wear, claudia just says, "mmm." i guess that means she conjured up an image of naked trevor.
mary anne has another hit and miss with, "everyone's supposed to get flu shots by november." which just gets the exact same reaction as the mall burning down.
then mary anne screams, shaking the other three out of their fantasies and kool-aid stupors.
'"aughhh!"
kristy, stacey, and i jerked to attention.
"what is it? what is it?" i cried.'
it's a plot, claudia. finally.
'mary anne had turned pale. with one shaking hand, she pointed at the paper. with the other hand, she held the paper away from her, as if it might bite.
"is something on the paper?" i shrieked. i jumped away. i absolutely hate spiders.
"no, in the paper," mary anne managed to say.
kristy grabbed it from her and she and stacey kneeled on the ground and leaned over the pages mary anne had it opened to.
"'angry pig goes hog wild'?" asked kristy, reading one of the larger headlines.'
angry pig goes hog wild? man, it must've been a slow fucking news day in stoneybrook if that is one of the bigger headlines. but then, stoneybrook seems to have perpetually slow news days, which is why the BSC ends up in the paper all the damned time.
'"no!" cried mary anne.
"'depressed trucker drives self crazy'?" asked stacey.'
what the fuck is it with the cheesy headlines in this newspaper? it sounds more on par with the weekly world news than an actual, reputable news source. they make everything sound like a fucking joke. i mean, i legit feel bad for that depressed trucker right now.
but, thankfully, we finally, finally get to the good shit. it feels like it's taken forever, probably because i'm already on page 54 of the ebook. jesus.
'"no!"
"what is it, mary anne? just tell us," i shouted. "you're driving us crazy."
mary anne had calmed down a little. she took the paper back and read: "'phantom caller on rampage in mercer.'" she cleared her throat and glanced at us. then she began to read again. "'the thief, whom police have nicknamed the phantom caller, struck again in mercer on tuesday night. following the pattern of his previous burglaries, he began making phone calls, this time to the home of thornton and sophia granville of 236 witmer court, shortly after four p.m. he never spoke, simply hanging up the phone when someone answered. the granvilles left their home at seven-thirty to attend a meeting of the school board. when they returned at ten-fifteen, they found all of mrs. granville's jewelry missing. nothing else had been taken, despite the fact that a considerable amount of silver, as well as thornton granville's famous and very valuable coin collection, were in the house."'
uh, hey, stoneybrook news reporter? maybe not mention all the valuables that the burglar missed. these people don't need you giving anyone else a head's up about all the other expensive shit they own that can be stolen. i know you probably got excited about having a real news story, after being forced to pump out nothing but soul crushing editorials like 'angry pig goes hog wild,' for the last decade, but show some fucking restraint and common sense, all right?
'"this is the sixth home the phantom caller has robbed in the past two weeks, and the second home in mercer. the first four robberies occurred in new hope.'" mary anne stopped reading.
"so what is so scary about that?" asked stacey. "you should hear what goes on in new york city every day."
"but don't you see?" asked mary anne. "he's getting closer and closer to stoneybrook -- to us. first new hope, then mercer. stoneybrook is the nearest town to mercer."
"well, it's still twenty miles away," i said. "does he always steal jewelry?"
"yes," replied mary anne. "just jewelry. it says in the next paragraph that he really knows what he's looking for. now here's the scary part: he makes those phone calls to find out whether anyone's home. but sometimes if the people don't go out he robs them anyway, and they don't know it until they realize the jewelry's missing. he's in the house while they are. he's never hurt anyone, but what do you think he'd do if he met someone face-to-face in the middle of a burglary? now think about this," she went on. "we don't know what kind of jewelry the people we baby-sit for have."'
'"oh," said stacey. "no one around here is as rich as those granvilles sound."'
i guess you haven't had the chance to travel across town to millionaire's row yet, huh stace? there are definitely people in this town who are rich enough to be targets.
'"but maybe it doesn't matter," said kristy. "and what if the phantom caller were watching the house or something and saw the parents go out. he might go ahead and rob it if he thought just a baby-sitter and a couple of little kids were there."'
'"i still don't know," said stacey. "i think you guys are worrying about nothing."'
dun dun d -- wait, logic? damn, we are early in the series. don't worry stacey, kristy will drug the logic right outta that permed little head of yours, she's already plotting Great Ideas ™ for how to make the kool-aid stronger and more effective so it will work on free thinking out of towers such as yourself.
'suddenly i clapped my hand to my mouth. "oh, my gosh!" i cried.
"what?" the others shouted.
"when i baby-sat for the marshalls on wednesday, the phone rang twice and each time i answered it, the caller hung up without saying a word!"
"oh, no!"
"you're kidding!"'
maybe the person on the other end of the line was calling for one of the marshalls and thought they kept getting the wrong number because they didn't recognize your voice?
oh, sorry, i forgot, logic is forbidden. it's like, the third rule of the baby-sitters cult.
the chapter ends with kristy speaking the fateful words that will henceforth be repeated throughout the entirety of the series:
'"i think," said kristy seriously, "that we should hold an emergency meeting of the baby-sitters club -- right now."
well, due to space constraints -- thanks livejournal! -- that's it for now, but stay tuned for part two!