Claudia and the Terrible Truth (1-5)
Oh my god guys I am actually back. It's me, Star Ultranova/syphabelnades (formerly xenaeilonwy) and I got locked out of my LJ account for a whole fuckin' year because of a password conflict. But I managed to get back in and not a moment too soon, because I missed BSC Snark and I missed taking the piss out of terrible books from our childhoods!
On that note, I'm back with a particularly nasty, touchy book from the series. This was one of the ill-conceived "Very Special Episodes" that dealt with a very important real life issue in Ann M. Martin's characteristic horrible, misguided ways. That being said, some material in this snark may offend you. Because I'm vitriolic. And I don't just punch holes in these books, I set them on fire. And this is a real life issue. So be aware of that.
This is the book that deals with child abuse. Even though child abuse in its various forms runs rampant in Stoneybrook in SEVERAL different books and no one does a damn thing because the abuse isn't in the form of physical violence.
Chapter 1
Claudia is gazing dreamily into her baby cousin Lynn's eyes. The baby cousin that she actually tried to steal several books back. The baby cousin that she will be babysitting for the beginning of this book. Why is Claudia so fucking CREEPY around this baby, and why is it treated as adorable and loving? Like I said, she tried to actively steal this child from her aunt in the book where the baby was born. Now she's gazing into her eyes and saying, "You're mine! All mine!" If I were Peaches, I wouldn't be bringing this kid anywhere near this little creepazoid. That being said, Peaches is quite reluctant to leave Lynn alone with Claudia, but mainly because she is leaving her for an extended period of time for the first time and not because Claudia is a creepy baby-napper. Claudia's mother reassures Peaches that Claudia is a "professional babysitter" and that her child is in good hands. After the experience Peaches had with Claudia, I just have that hunch that she's afraid Claudia will refuse to give Lynn back to her. Claudia asserts her superspecialawesome BSC status and Peaches remembers that she's a member of the cult that the entire universe bends to the will of and makes her exit.
Claudia spends some time bragging about how she knows this baby as well as her parents do and that's not something to brag about, that's an indicator that she is spending way too much time intervening in this child's life, and then waxes lyrical about how she finally has Lynn to herself for an entire week. She's always dreamed of this moment. All those many months of barging into Peaches' house to take over caring for her baby have led to this. Again, I question Peaches' judgement in leaving her child alone with someone that intrusive and overbearing. But it's a BSC book, so why am I even bothering to question? Claudia goes on about Lynn's ethnicity because ethnicities are super important in these books, and about how she can use Lynn as her personal dress-up doll before talking about herself for three pages. I've been doing a lot of research into personality disorders lately and at this point it seems like a GOOD number of main characters in these books have some pretty glaring symptoms. Then she coos over Lynn some more and what the fuck 13-year-old gets this emotional about a baby? One who's going to get knocked up in 3 years, that's what.
So we are introduced in the very beginning to the unfortunate subject of Ann M. Martin's Very Special episode: the Nicholls famil, with Joey and Nate. She says their dad is weird and seems too pushy with his kids. But that's not important. What's important is, will they end up as BSC clients? That's obviously the most important thing in the whole entire world.
Chapter 2
We see where Claudia gets her creepy baby obsession from the moment Kristy barges into her room and is just like "GIVE ME THE CHILD!" The BSC meeting starts, and we get the usual exposition on the club members' three personality traits per person in the form of having Claudia pass Lynn around to all of them and for fuck's sake, this is a little human child and not a doll to amuse your friends with! And then, like a creepazoid, she gets butthurt about passing Lynn around because "I want her to love ME the best!" God, Claudia is so fucking creepy whenever this child is brought up. She is going to go Hand That Rocks the Cradle on this child one day. Anyway, they pass Lynn around like she's a reborn doll and talk about the stuff we already fucking know about the club, and then the meeting is called to order. They get a sitting job for the Nicholls family because the BSCverse bends to the BSC's will and it knows that Claudia was carrying on about the Nicholls being possible clients.
Chapter 3
Claudia is greeted at the door by an overly-saccharine Mr. Nicholls. Let it be known that everything about this man was specifically designed to designate him as the Obviously Abusive Piece of Shit Father. Every single personality trait, action, and role that he is in conforms to this. Mr. Nicholls is supposed to be some sort of shocking character because he's an abuser. Nevermind that Stoneybrook is motherfucking FULL of abusive parents: the Pikes, who force their oldest daughter to be a secondary mommy to the too many kids they decided to have. The Hills, who berate and bully and allow their daughter and her friends to bully their overweight 7-year-old. The Felders, who just sort of fuck off and leave their autistic daughter with unqualified teenagers and at the mercy of neighborhood bullies. The Brewer-Thomases, who let their oldest daughter get away with arson, murder, and jaywalking and seem to be a-okay with her bullying their 4-year-old at the best of times. Abuse comes in many, many, MANY different forms. It is not just physical, and to establish that abuse is only hitting is to establish a terrible message about abuse.
Anyway, Claudia notes that Mr. Nicholls is stern with the boys because he's the obvious villain of the story. Nevermind that being stern with kids is NOT an indicator of abuse by itself. The boys are timid and withdrawn, which again, is not necessarily an indicator of abuse, but it also CAN be an indicator of abuse. But you know what is most definitely not an indicator of abuse? The fact that the KITCHEN IS CLEAN WTF. SO WHAT? Claudia is trying to get the boys to open up, so she's like "Hey, let's go to a friend's house while my friend is babysitting him. Because that's totally something you should DO while you're babysitting." This is not the first time that's happened and everytime it does my palm meets my face. Reality ensues when Joey tells Claudia they're not actually supposed to do that, they can't just up and leave the house without parental permission or supervision. Of course, this is used as yet another red flag that Joey's been smacked into submission. NO IT'S NOT IT'S REASONABLE. I hate kids and don't want any, but if I for some reason did have one I WOULD NOT WANT MY KID'S 13-YEAR-OLD BABYSITTER TAKING THEM AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE. Especially to a house with no parental supervision. Oh, and my hypothetical kids would not have a middle school child babysitting them either. Anyway, Claudia's just like "Aww lighten up we can so totally do it because I'm the babysitter and I'm in charge." How Not to Be Allowed Around Someone's Kids Ever Again, Exhibit A. So Claudia ends up coercing these perfectly reasonable kids into hopping houses without the parents' knowledge, and hat's supposed to be okay because the parents being not okay with it is just part of the abuse. See what I mean? Ann M. Martin doesn't know enough about how these things work to write a Very Special Episode aimed at children about them.
The boys continue to act like shy but otherwise well-adjusted if overly-polite boys. The BSC is so fucking used to kids who just run wild and do whatever the hell they please that children behaving politely and pushing in their chairs means that something is clearly wrong. At the other kid's house that they're not supposed to be at, Joey and Nate act all jumpy and start looking for cars and stuff. Which again, is understandable, as they know they are breaking the rules and that they are under the jurisdiction of a babysitter who doesn't give a flying fuck about the rules. One of the major rules of babysitting someone's kid is that you FOLLOW THE PARENTS' HOUSE RULES. Claudia is upset that the boys didn't just start acting like Idealistic BSC Kids after this little endeavor and takes them back home. She confesses to their mother that they went to someone else's house but their mother's just like "k" because the BSC can't ever get into trouble. For anything. Seriously, Claudia once broke the door off its hinges at the Prezziozo house and no one ever even brought it up.
Chapter 4
Claudia's all caught up in Lynn fever, overjoyed that she gets to pretend Lynn is her very own baby for the next week. At the BSC meeting where Claudia is insisting the stupid sounds Lynn makes are her name, they get a call from the Nicholls again and Claudia decides to use the magic of the Kid-Kits to get the boys to start behaving more like BSC kids. The boys start having some fun with the Kid-Kits and then Nate asks for a piece of paper. Claudia's like "Ya'll have that already, it's on your dad's desk" and Nate gets doubtful about taking paper from the desk without asking. This is, again, supposed to be a sign that the father has beaten the fear of God into him, when in actuality it's just a little boy being considerate of his parents. It was mentioned that his dad works with computers. He might need that computer paper for something. But Claudia's like "Dafuq is this kid getting his knickers in a twist over taking one sheet of paper off his dad's desk?" Are consideration, politeness, and decency something THAT atypical of Stoneybrook kids that when you find it you think something is wrong with the kid? Anyway, Claudia's going to go pilfer a sheet of paper and Nate accidentally rips a page in one of the books in the Kid-Kits. He bursts into tears about it and Claudia's like "Calm the fuck down." He starts crying and pleading that he'll replace the book and to me, again, this is just a really kind, considerate kid who feels bad about damaging something that doesn't belong to him. But Claudia starts thinking over all the things that must be wrong with the boys because of this, and then of course, it all goes back to "Oh shit it must be me." Because nothing can ever NOT be her, because she's a BSC member.
Claudia makes the boys a snack to calm them down. They're not allowed to have so many things in the house so Claudia puts peanut butter on the celery and wtf EW. Then Mr. Nicholls pops out of complete nowhere and starts questioning the boys' behavior. Where did he even come from? Anyway, someone left the jar of peanut butter open and Mr. Nicholls is like "Who be hijackin' my peanut butter?" No one answers him, not even Claudia, because for some reason "Who left this peanut butter open on the counter" is a really unreasonable thing to ask. So he starts shouting about it because no one will answer him. For fuck's sake, Claudia, just say you did it. She finally does just admit to having done so and then Mr. Nicholls is like, "Oh, it's just you. K. I thought my dumbass kids did it." All right, so now we're finally getting to the genuine red flags that something's going on with this guy. You don't just haul off and call your kids "dumb and slobby" like that in front of a stranger. Especially not really young kids like these two...even if you're joking (which he's not), it's never a joke to them. You just don't say that about your kids. Claudia picks up on that there is something wrong with this guy after he insults his kids in front of her and gets the fuck out of dodge.
Chapter 5
This is a babysitting chapter with Mal and Jessi. Babysitting chapters are always boring and I never care about them enough to do more than skim. They're going on about a St. Patrick's Day parade. Claudia's there with Nate and Joey and reminiscing over how Mr. Nicholls "blew up" over peanut butter. Okay, that wasn't a blow up. "WHO LEFT THIS PEANUT BUTTER ON THE COUNTER" is NOT a blow up. On what planet is that a blow up? Anyway, more abuse is hinted at through the fact that the boys want to have clean clothes, and then it all gets idiotic again. Calling your kids "dumb and slobby" in front of them to a perfect stranger? Indicative that something is wrong. The kids wanting to stay clean? Are you gonna tell me that Jenny Prezziozo is abused now too? Oh wait no, she's just "a brat." Anyway, they're going on about all this stupid fuckery they want to do for the parade and then find a four-leaf clover. Who the fuck cares?
That's all for now. It's good to be back. Now I have more reason to read these books. (:
On that note, I'm back with a particularly nasty, touchy book from the series. This was one of the ill-conceived "Very Special Episodes" that dealt with a very important real life issue in Ann M. Martin's characteristic horrible, misguided ways. That being said, some material in this snark may offend you. Because I'm vitriolic. And I don't just punch holes in these books, I set them on fire. And this is a real life issue. So be aware of that.
This is the book that deals with child abuse. Even though child abuse in its various forms runs rampant in Stoneybrook in SEVERAL different books and no one does a damn thing because the abuse isn't in the form of physical violence.
Chapter 1
Claudia is gazing dreamily into her baby cousin Lynn's eyes. The baby cousin that she actually tried to steal several books back. The baby cousin that she will be babysitting for the beginning of this book. Why is Claudia so fucking CREEPY around this baby, and why is it treated as adorable and loving? Like I said, she tried to actively steal this child from her aunt in the book where the baby was born. Now she's gazing into her eyes and saying, "You're mine! All mine!" If I were Peaches, I wouldn't be bringing this kid anywhere near this little creepazoid. That being said, Peaches is quite reluctant to leave Lynn alone with Claudia, but mainly because she is leaving her for an extended period of time for the first time and not because Claudia is a creepy baby-napper. Claudia's mother reassures Peaches that Claudia is a "professional babysitter" and that her child is in good hands. After the experience Peaches had with Claudia, I just have that hunch that she's afraid Claudia will refuse to give Lynn back to her. Claudia asserts her superspecialawesome BSC status and Peaches remembers that she's a member of the cult that the entire universe bends to the will of and makes her exit.
Claudia spends some time bragging about how she knows this baby as well as her parents do and that's not something to brag about, that's an indicator that she is spending way too much time intervening in this child's life, and then waxes lyrical about how she finally has Lynn to herself for an entire week. She's always dreamed of this moment. All those many months of barging into Peaches' house to take over caring for her baby have led to this. Again, I question Peaches' judgement in leaving her child alone with someone that intrusive and overbearing. But it's a BSC book, so why am I even bothering to question? Claudia goes on about Lynn's ethnicity because ethnicities are super important in these books, and about how she can use Lynn as her personal dress-up doll before talking about herself for three pages. I've been doing a lot of research into personality disorders lately and at this point it seems like a GOOD number of main characters in these books have some pretty glaring symptoms. Then she coos over Lynn some more and what the fuck 13-year-old gets this emotional about a baby? One who's going to get knocked up in 3 years, that's what.
So we are introduced in the very beginning to the unfortunate subject of Ann M. Martin's Very Special episode: the Nicholls famil, with Joey and Nate. She says their dad is weird and seems too pushy with his kids. But that's not important. What's important is, will they end up as BSC clients? That's obviously the most important thing in the whole entire world.
Chapter 2
We see where Claudia gets her creepy baby obsession from the moment Kristy barges into her room and is just like "GIVE ME THE CHILD!" The BSC meeting starts, and we get the usual exposition on the club members' three personality traits per person in the form of having Claudia pass Lynn around to all of them and for fuck's sake, this is a little human child and not a doll to amuse your friends with! And then, like a creepazoid, she gets butthurt about passing Lynn around because "I want her to love ME the best!" God, Claudia is so fucking creepy whenever this child is brought up. She is going to go Hand That Rocks the Cradle on this child one day. Anyway, they pass Lynn around like she's a reborn doll and talk about the stuff we already fucking know about the club, and then the meeting is called to order. They get a sitting job for the Nicholls family because the BSCverse bends to the BSC's will and it knows that Claudia was carrying on about the Nicholls being possible clients.
Chapter 3
Claudia is greeted at the door by an overly-saccharine Mr. Nicholls. Let it be known that everything about this man was specifically designed to designate him as the Obviously Abusive Piece of Shit Father. Every single personality trait, action, and role that he is in conforms to this. Mr. Nicholls is supposed to be some sort of shocking character because he's an abuser. Nevermind that Stoneybrook is motherfucking FULL of abusive parents: the Pikes, who force their oldest daughter to be a secondary mommy to the too many kids they decided to have. The Hills, who berate and bully and allow their daughter and her friends to bully their overweight 7-year-old. The Felders, who just sort of fuck off and leave their autistic daughter with unqualified teenagers and at the mercy of neighborhood bullies. The Brewer-Thomases, who let their oldest daughter get away with arson, murder, and jaywalking and seem to be a-okay with her bullying their 4-year-old at the best of times. Abuse comes in many, many, MANY different forms. It is not just physical, and to establish that abuse is only hitting is to establish a terrible message about abuse.
Anyway, Claudia notes that Mr. Nicholls is stern with the boys because he's the obvious villain of the story. Nevermind that being stern with kids is NOT an indicator of abuse by itself. The boys are timid and withdrawn, which again, is not necessarily an indicator of abuse, but it also CAN be an indicator of abuse. But you know what is most definitely not an indicator of abuse? The fact that the KITCHEN IS CLEAN WTF. SO WHAT? Claudia is trying to get the boys to open up, so she's like "Hey, let's go to a friend's house while my friend is babysitting him. Because that's totally something you should DO while you're babysitting." This is not the first time that's happened and everytime it does my palm meets my face. Reality ensues when Joey tells Claudia they're not actually supposed to do that, they can't just up and leave the house without parental permission or supervision. Of course, this is used as yet another red flag that Joey's been smacked into submission. NO IT'S NOT IT'S REASONABLE. I hate kids and don't want any, but if I for some reason did have one I WOULD NOT WANT MY KID'S 13-YEAR-OLD BABYSITTER TAKING THEM AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE. Especially to a house with no parental supervision. Oh, and my hypothetical kids would not have a middle school child babysitting them either. Anyway, Claudia's just like "Aww lighten up we can so totally do it because I'm the babysitter and I'm in charge." How Not to Be Allowed Around Someone's Kids Ever Again, Exhibit A. So Claudia ends up coercing these perfectly reasonable kids into hopping houses without the parents' knowledge, and hat's supposed to be okay because the parents being not okay with it is just part of the abuse. See what I mean? Ann M. Martin doesn't know enough about how these things work to write a Very Special Episode aimed at children about them.
The boys continue to act like shy but otherwise well-adjusted if overly-polite boys. The BSC is so fucking used to kids who just run wild and do whatever the hell they please that children behaving politely and pushing in their chairs means that something is clearly wrong. At the other kid's house that they're not supposed to be at, Joey and Nate act all jumpy and start looking for cars and stuff. Which again, is understandable, as they know they are breaking the rules and that they are under the jurisdiction of a babysitter who doesn't give a flying fuck about the rules. One of the major rules of babysitting someone's kid is that you FOLLOW THE PARENTS' HOUSE RULES. Claudia is upset that the boys didn't just start acting like Idealistic BSC Kids after this little endeavor and takes them back home. She confesses to their mother that they went to someone else's house but their mother's just like "k" because the BSC can't ever get into trouble. For anything. Seriously, Claudia once broke the door off its hinges at the Prezziozo house and no one ever even brought it up.
Chapter 4
Claudia's all caught up in Lynn fever, overjoyed that she gets to pretend Lynn is her very own baby for the next week. At the BSC meeting where Claudia is insisting the stupid sounds Lynn makes are her name, they get a call from the Nicholls again and Claudia decides to use the magic of the Kid-Kits to get the boys to start behaving more like BSC kids. The boys start having some fun with the Kid-Kits and then Nate asks for a piece of paper. Claudia's like "Ya'll have that already, it's on your dad's desk" and Nate gets doubtful about taking paper from the desk without asking. This is, again, supposed to be a sign that the father has beaten the fear of God into him, when in actuality it's just a little boy being considerate of his parents. It was mentioned that his dad works with computers. He might need that computer paper for something. But Claudia's like "Dafuq is this kid getting his knickers in a twist over taking one sheet of paper off his dad's desk?" Are consideration, politeness, and decency something THAT atypical of Stoneybrook kids that when you find it you think something is wrong with the kid? Anyway, Claudia's going to go pilfer a sheet of paper and Nate accidentally rips a page in one of the books in the Kid-Kits. He bursts into tears about it and Claudia's like "Calm the fuck down." He starts crying and pleading that he'll replace the book and to me, again, this is just a really kind, considerate kid who feels bad about damaging something that doesn't belong to him. But Claudia starts thinking over all the things that must be wrong with the boys because of this, and then of course, it all goes back to "Oh shit it must be me." Because nothing can ever NOT be her, because she's a BSC member.
Claudia makes the boys a snack to calm them down. They're not allowed to have so many things in the house so Claudia puts peanut butter on the celery and wtf EW. Then Mr. Nicholls pops out of complete nowhere and starts questioning the boys' behavior. Where did he even come from? Anyway, someone left the jar of peanut butter open and Mr. Nicholls is like "Who be hijackin' my peanut butter?" No one answers him, not even Claudia, because for some reason "Who left this peanut butter open on the counter" is a really unreasonable thing to ask. So he starts shouting about it because no one will answer him. For fuck's sake, Claudia, just say you did it. She finally does just admit to having done so and then Mr. Nicholls is like, "Oh, it's just you. K. I thought my dumbass kids did it." All right, so now we're finally getting to the genuine red flags that something's going on with this guy. You don't just haul off and call your kids "dumb and slobby" like that in front of a stranger. Especially not really young kids like these two...even if you're joking (which he's not), it's never a joke to them. You just don't say that about your kids. Claudia picks up on that there is something wrong with this guy after he insults his kids in front of her and gets the fuck out of dodge.
Chapter 5
This is a babysitting chapter with Mal and Jessi. Babysitting chapters are always boring and I never care about them enough to do more than skim. They're going on about a St. Patrick's Day parade. Claudia's there with Nate and Joey and reminiscing over how Mr. Nicholls "blew up" over peanut butter. Okay, that wasn't a blow up. "WHO LEFT THIS PEANUT BUTTER ON THE COUNTER" is NOT a blow up. On what planet is that a blow up? Anyway, more abuse is hinted at through the fact that the boys want to have clean clothes, and then it all gets idiotic again. Calling your kids "dumb and slobby" in front of them to a perfect stranger? Indicative that something is wrong. The kids wanting to stay clean? Are you gonna tell me that Jenny Prezziozo is abused now too? Oh wait no, she's just "a brat." Anyway, they're going on about all this stupid fuckery they want to do for the parade and then find a four-leaf clover. Who the fuck cares?
That's all for now. It's good to be back. Now I have more reason to read these books. (: