SS #5: California Girls pt 1
Well, I felt like doing a Super Special, I already did #2 (oh god that came out wrong. The Alan Grays of the world are snickering), and I'm not in the mood for the SS #6: Stacey is a Huge Bitch right now. So I picked this one because I felt like reading it again.
EBook, so no cover.
Chapter one starts off talking about how Claudia gives her father money to buy lottery tickets, and, I'm sorry, but there's NO WAY IN HELL that the ultra-uptight John Kishi would do that. Unless he's not really as conservative as Claudia paints him to be because she's pissy that he wants her to graduate middle school.
They enter the Jack-O-Lottery jackpot, which just makes me think of a bunch of gross dudes bukkake-ing all over a big grid of numbers. Whichever ones they hit are on the board. I know I'm disgusting but I can't get the image out of my head, and now you have to suffer too.
As they watch the news waiting for the lotto drawing, Kristy, I shit you not, busts out with “Oh, who cares about world peace? When are they going to announce the winning ticket?” I can't even make an affluenza joke here. Although now that I bring it up, Kristy, your stepdad is a goddamn millionaire. Borrow money from him while he tries to buy your love. Believe it or not, you are not the most important thing in the universe. I know, I know, this is shocking. But I'm not being an asshole; it's just true.
As we all remember, Dawn has six out of seven numbers and they win ten grand. Which may or may not be how the lottery works; I have no clue.
I think this eBook is Canadian. Possibly British. Dawn refers to the "cheque."
Dawn suggests using their money to crash at her dad's place in CA for spring break. It's written in the most goddamn lackluster way possible. Whichever ghostie wrote this was clearly over it:
“You know what?” I said, when my friends and I were actually holding the cheque. “We’ve got two weeks off from school next month. We could use this money to go to California to visit my dad.”
It's written with all the enthusiasm of someone saying "Hey, we could use this money to properly insulate our attic." I guess when you've been on about 10 exotic vacations in one school year you get a little jaded.
So, yeah, that's what they're doing. No mention of what Jack's response was when they BSC told him - you know they didn't ASK - they were coming.
Chapter 1 (I guess the first bit was a prologue, not a chapter, my bad) is a Dawn chapter. Ugh, we just had to put up with Dawn in the prologue that you tricked me into thinking was chapter one!
Mary Anne is making them both late for a BSC meeting by packing for CA even though they're not leaving for another week. First of all, Dawn, you may mock, but I bet you Mary Anne isn't going to forget anything vital. She's not going to have to spend her lotto winnings on necessities she forgot to pack at 2 am before the flight left.
Second of all, it just occurs to me that I have no idea what Stoneybrook does while the BSC is on their Super Special adventures. Do they call other students? I've always suspected that the BSC is largely a bullshit business - upper middle class or straight-up upper class families indulging little Kristy Thomas and her little friends to bolster their self-esteem by letting them stay with their kids while they leave the house briefly. It would explain why they have so many sitting jobs to cover them for short errands and making social calls, too.
OKAY I KNEW THIS WAS ACTUALLY CHAPTER TWO. Time for a fucking rundown of the BSC.
Kristy's family is big and annoying.
It's a HUGE DEAL that Claudia has a private phone number. Again, I feel like if the Kishis were really this stern about Claudia never having fun until she pulls her grades up, they wouldn't have allowed this. And Dawn, coming off like a smug enabler, as well as kind of a bitch, gives us this gem:
Living with a genius probably isn’t easy for Claudia, who is bright, but a poor student and an especially poor speller. Claud thinks she isn’t smart, but that’s not true. She just doesn’t like school. What she does like is art-and she’s great at it. She also likes to read Nancy Drew mysteries (but that’s about the only thing she likes to read), and to eat junt food.
Okay, let me be clear: I know that you can be extremely intelligent and completely suck at school. You can have a learning disability or personality disorder/brain dysfunction that makes it difficult for you. I get that.
But in what ways is Claudia "bright," exactly? She occasionally comes up with creative ideas, I guess, but as I think about it...she doesn't, really. Well, she thought of using marbles to make eyes on a papier mache jaguar. She did a bunch of drawings of junk food. And she thought to give the giant mutant shoe float rope "shoelaces." They talk Claudia up as this artistic genius and never show it. In book 12, she's completely baffled by the idea of abstract sculpture. That doesn't scream "prodigy" to me. (Ashley, on the other hand, while being a pretentious hipster d-bag, actually did seem pretty knowledgeable about art and very hard-working.)
She's not an "idea machine" like Kristy supposedly is, she's not well-spoken and outspoken like Dawn supposedly is, she's not emotionally intelligent like Mary Anne supposedly is - I mean, none of them are these things, but they're presented as having these traits. What DOES Claudia have besides a good metabolism and her own phone?
Anyway. We get the lead-in to Claudia's good looks and stupid outfits with Unlike Kristy, who is just average looking and doesn’t’ care much about clothes, making it abundantly clear that Dawn is still passive-aggressive as hell and also should maybe not be throwing stones, Miss Described as "Not Pretty, But Pleasant" in her Intro Book.
Claudia outfit:
on the day of this meeting, she was wearing a read shirt with Mexican shirt with cactus plants printed on it, and blueandwhite striped pants help up with suspenders. On her head was what looked like an engineer’s cap (it matched her pants), and dangling From her ears were miniature cowboy boots, which she’d made herself.
What the fuck even is that?! Who the fuck combines cowboy and train engineer besides a five year old boy??
Moving on,
Stacey is a really terrific person. She’s funny, she’s nice, she’s excellent at math (that’s why she’s our treasurer), and she’s extremely sophisticated.
Well, of course a bitch like Dawn would think a bitch like Stacey is a terrific person. I'm not sure what being sophisticated and good at math has to do with someone's character, and Stacey is NOT fucking nice AT ALL. She's the snottiest, Mean Girl-iest bitch at SMS. I will concede that she's pretty damn funny though, when the writers remember that snarky comebacks are one of her things.
Oh, and we can add "hypocrite" to the list of Stacey's great qualities, since she's wearing a Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt to the meeting. Dawn, were you not there when she acted like you were the biggest bunch of hillbillies for buying HRC shirts and being excited about it?
Dawn "admires" Stacey for giving herself insulin injections daily. 1. is it really admirable to do something that keeps you from dying? 2. I'm surprised we've never gotten a Dawn lecture about non-California Casual foods causing diabetes. (I know that's not how Type 1 diabetes works, but Dawn would find a way to bring it up.)
The Jessi-is-black thing is handled more or less okay here. Dawn gives a rundown of all their similarities and differences and the last line is One final different between Jessi and Mal is that Jessi is black and Mal is white. No commentary about how nobody cares and they all accept her lifestyle choice of being black.
FINALLY, everyone snaps out of their Family Guy flashback style trances that I can only assume they go into during these Chapter 2 monologues and Claudia acts smug about her buying lottery tickets paying off. She says everyone thought she was stupid for buying them - Claud, they think that for so many reasons - and Stacey says not stupid, just frivolous.
Okay, but if Janine had called Claudia's lottery ticket buying "frivolous," there would've been a ten-sentence rant about how she can't use "normal" words. Claudia doesn't know what frivolous means - I'm pretty sure I didn't either the first time I read this book - "but whatever it is, it paid off." *sigh*
Nothing happens; on to Chapter 2 or 3 depending on how you count. It's a Jessi chapter. Those can go either way. Fingers crossed it's inoffensive.
She opens with a postcard to Becca and Squirt. Babies can't read, Jessi. And you're ON THE PLANE. Where did you even get a postcard? Is she just writing this on a barf bag (ew!!!)?
Jessi freaks out because the plan is "huge" with aisles nine seats wide. Isn't that standard, nine or ten seats across? I've never actually flown so I could be way off, but that doesn't sound unusually big to me, especially if you're going to California, where I assume a hell of a lot of people are going for connecting flights as well as actually going to California itself.
The girls are annoying as hell, putting their jackets in the overhead compartments, then taking them back out when Dawn whines that it's cold (must be all that excess nitrogen in the atmosphere. You just KNOW Dawn would read Food Babe's bullshit and believe every word. Or is that just me thinking that? And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, here, have fun: http://theness.com/neurologicablog/index.php/food-babe-misinformation-on-travel/ ), Kristy's complaining about how bad the plane smells, Mary Anne is fussing for everyone to buckle their seatbelts before the plane is in motion, and I pity anyone sitting near them. Give me a screaming baby, thanks.
Mallory asks "Who wants to play hangman?" and I wonder how the fuck anyone can be this lame. Jessi's like "Let's save it for later" which I suspect is code for "I don't want to be seen in public with you again, ever."
Amazingly, this airline shows classic movies on its flights! It's Hitchcock month!
“It’s an old classic,” spoke up a flight attendant who happened to be passing by. “I hope you like Alfred Hitchcock. We’re showing Hitchcock films this month. Today’s is called Vertigo.”
“Thanks,” said Stacey as the steward passed by.
“Who’s Alfred Hitchcock?” asked Mallory.
“Who’s Vertigo?” asked Claud.
SIGH. Okay, first of all, Claudia is a freaking moron, okay? That question doesn't even make sense. And isn't Mallory supposed to be fairly well-read? I can understand not knowing his work, but not knowing who he is at all? And aren't these girls all stuck in the 50s anyway? They're obsessed with Hayley Mills and To Kill a Mockingbird and Mary Poppins - I find it hard to believe they don't know who Hitchcock is.
The plane takes off. Mal says "Hangman?" Jessi replies "Maybe after lunch." God, this is sad.
And now we get to the oft-referenced lunch moment, where everyone gets spaghetti, except for Stacey and Dawn, who get chicken. You know, murdered bird carcass? Yet Dawn gets all uppity when she doesn't get her vegetarian meal on another flight.
But I'm even more weirded out by this passage:
Plastic trays were set in front of us. Everything was in little compartments, like a TV dinner. And the forks and knives and stiff were packages in plastic. “This must be so things won’t slide around in case there’s a sudden drop in cabin pressure and the plane takes a nosedive,” said Mary Anne.
I'm not sure how to ask this in a way that's not offensive. Is it possible that Mary Anne is...neurodivergent? She fixates on such weird things and randomly spouts facts that nobody gives a shit about, totally oblivious to everyone's utter irritation.
Also, apparently she's wrong since people get real plates and shit in first class. Mary Anne declares that flying first class would be so fresh. Stop trying to make fresh happen, Mary Anne.
My blood pressure spikes when I read the next part:
“You know where I want to go when we get to L.A.?” Claudia shouted to Dawn. (I’m sure the other passengers loved us.)
You obnoxious little shits. It's bad enough when people are oblivious to how fucking annoying they're being, but to be aware of it and continuing to act that way?! That's incredibly rude. I thought these girls were supposed to be so "mature." Meanwhile, a four-year-old child declares that she wishes to not get dirty and they can't get over how bratty she is. BSC, YOU are a bunch of entitled, spoiled brats.
Jessi thinks Knott's Berry Farm is an actual berry farm; I'd never heard of it until I read this book, so I can't snark that, even though we were probably both pretty lame.
Jessi wants to see the wax museum in Hollywood. That sounds way too uncanny valley for me. Mal wants to see movie stars' homes, which I think is a really weird practice. Maybe it was more exciting pre-internet, but it's just so damn creepy.
Kristy asks if there's a sports hall of fame, because Kristy is a total dick on vacations if she doesn't get to do only things that interest her (see: BSC in the USA). Dawn has no clue. I pray there isn't, because I don't want to read about that.
Stacey wants to go to Grauman's Chinese, and, well,
“Yeah! Just like they did on I Love Lucy,” agreed Claud. “Only we won’t try to steal John Wayne’s footprints.”
I had no idea what Claud was talking about, and I didn’t want to ask.
Heh. +1 for Jessi. But god I forgot how grating those random I Love Lucy references are. I do actually believe that the littler kids would watch it - it was on Nick at Nite and a lot of the humor is kid-friendly; I liked it when I was about 10-11. But I think teenagers would be totally over it.
Also, I Love Lucy shows up in, like, ALL of AMM's books, not just the BSC-verse. It's really, really annoying. It seems like something a little kid would do, constantly referencing something THEY like instead of creating characters and thinking about what they would enjoy. Maybe I'm just butthurt because AMM made millions on this crap.
Dawn berates Jessi for not knowing that San Diego is another plane trip's worth of distance from Anaheim, because she really is Left Coast Stacey. Bitch, you don't even know if there's a sports hall of fame.
Mary Anne goes all guidebook and I'm skipping that because OH MY GOD SHUT UP MARY ANNE.
Instead, I'll comment on this: so for the next couple of hours we sat in dead silence, watching this really scary movie.
I have a really hard time believing that Vertigo would scare teenagers. Yeah, it's a pretty fucked-up story, but it seems like the kind of thing that would get into adult womens' minds a LOT more. Especially teens in the early 90s who would've been used to the 80s franchises that likely would've defined horror for them. Also, doesn't Mary Anne hate scary movies? Why is she watching this?
They land; they wait 45 minutes to claim their baggage because Claudia and Stacey packed so much shit (already inconveniencing Jack and Jeff; what wonderful guests); Carol is at Dawn's house and Dawn gets her panties in a wad.
Jessi's been invited to hang with the Masters family on the PS 162 set, though, so she's pretty stoked.
Chapter 3 (4?) is a Kristy chapter. OH GOOD.
And of course she opens the postcard like this:
Dear Mom, Watson, Nannie, Charlie, Sam, David Michael, and Emily.
Well, I’ve used up half of this card just writing your names!
AMM, that wasn't funny the FIRST time you did that. It's not funny now. Also, that comment just wastes more space, so it's doubly stupid.
And the whining immediately begins. Kristy complains about jet lag, and nobody really wants to do anything that day but hang out. That's fair (though it seems a bit wasteful of a day), but then Kristy starts whining yet again:
In all honesty, I wanted to go back to bed, but since so many of us were visiting the Shafer’s, my bed was a sleeping bag was on the floor of Dawn’s room. And I was not tired enough to want to go back to the sleeping bag.
Show of hands, anyone think Kristy hasn't even bothered to thank Jack for letting her crash in their house? Instead she's internally griping that she has to sleep on the floor. Not everyone is a REAL LIVE MILLIONAIRE with an eleven-bedroom mansion, you ass. Hell, some people, even if they can afford it, don't live in a huge-ass house just in case they marry someone with too many children.
Carol shows up to make brunch and Dawn gets pissy. What a bitch, cooking for you like that.
Kristy stops being a spoiled brat for a minute to think
I couldn’t figure out why. She loves music, and knows a lot about MTV and music videos and stuff.
First of all, MTV and music videos! An actual timely reference! Second of all, fucking THANK YOU, Kristy.
I think this is the book where it's mentioned that Carol is 32. The age I am now. Which is mildly upsetting since I started reading these books when I was Vanessa Pike's age. But...horror of horrors, I actually like some (but not most :P ) current music! Dawn would fucking hate me, I guess. But I really don't understand the whole "people can only like things that were popular in their youth" notion. Why? Anyway, the BSC only likes Elvis, the Beach Boys and occasionally the Beatles (except for Stacey's boy band phase). So...hypocrite much, Dawn? YOU like the things I assume CAROL is supposed to like, and that's fine.
Sunny calls and invites everyone to a meeting of the We <3 Kids Club, which still sounds like a very different type of organization than they're going for to me. Dawn actually warns the BSC that the W<3KC is more "relaxed" than the BSC.
This strikes me as a bitch move on Dawn's part, but I really can't tell if she's genuinely being insulting towards her former club and its members or if she's actually scared that Kristy will freak the fuck out. Which is a valid fear, so I guess I'll let it slide this time.
I didn’t say anything. I was already beginning to feel...funny.
Goddammit, Kristy, this is a really inconvenient time to realize what all that "hatred" you feel towards Dawn actually is. Save it for the next BSC book, Kristy and the Pride Parade. (NGL, I would read the FUCK out of that book. Can you imagine the BSC float with Claudia's number painted on both sides and the charges dressed up in rainbow outfits Mallory made? SOMEONE WRITE THIS FIC.)
I knew there was no reason to be competitive, but, well, I did feel that I had sort of invented baby sitting clubs, and that I knew best.
OH MY GOD, KRISTY. Your unwillingness to not be declared objectively right in subjective situations is going to fucking kill me.
Sunny said, “members of the BSC, meet the We Love Kids Club. I’m Sunny Winslow.” (Duh.)
She's just such a bitch. She actually gets irritated that someone is introducing themselves to her because she happens to already know who they are. What the fuck is wrong with her?
They don't have officers, and Kristy is aghast because she can't comprehend how they get anything done without assigned officers. Sunny, getting pissy, is like "We just do what needs doing; it's not as fucking hard as you people make it seem." She doesn't actually say that last part, but it's implied.
They get a call that nobody is free for, and Mary Anne wants to babysit on vacation because she's goddamn lame and they need to shoehorn in these stupid plots somehow. She's sitting for the Left Coast version of Charlotte, Stephie.
Kristy is horrified that clients are permitted to call whenever they want, at any girl's house.
Hmmph. This was a sorry excuse for a babysitting club.
Uhhhhh. The clients probably love it, because they don't have to grind their lives to a halt at dinnertime every other weekday. That sounds like a better model in terms of client satisfaction, and while there probably are times they can't reach anyone, well, they can try again in half an hour, because they're not limited to thirty minutes a day three times a week.
They also just take whatever jobs they want, leaving Kristy to wonder why they bother with an appointment book. Uh, because writing down schedules is a thing people do so they don't lose track of their appointments.
Stephie is asthmatic, Dawn awkwardly explains what asthma is because somehow they don't know, and the eBook has replaced "inhalator" with "inhaler" so I don't have to be irrationally annoyed by that for the rest of the book.
GOD I WANT TO PUNCH KRISTY IN THE FACE SOME MORE:
“Anyone want to sit for Erick and Ryan or Saturday?” asked Sunny.
It was a good thing her hand was cupped over the receiver because Jill and Maggie both groaned loudly.
“What’s wrong with Erick and Ryan?” I asked.
“They’re terrors, that’s what,” said Maggie.
“Well, I’ll sit for them,” I said. I would show the We <3 Kids Club what a real babysitter could do.
OH MY GOD KRISTY YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITE. You all pull this exact shit when the Prezziosos call, and Jenny is a reasonably well-behaved little kid. I haven't read this one in a while; please tell me Kristy gets her comeuppance later. Especially after this:
as soon as she hung up, she said, “Kristy, you don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself into.”
I didn’t care. Anyway, I didn’t think I’d gotten myself into anything. I am an excellent sitter. I can handle all kids of kids. But Sunny, Jill, and Maggie were bombarding me
with rapidfire advice:
“Give those boys an inch and they’ll take a mile.”
“Don’t let them out of your sight for a second.”
“Set down rules with them right away.”
Ha, I thought. I don’t have to listen to this. Especially from members of a club that doesn’t have officers and doesn’t even hold regular meetings.
Kristy, you are not an excellent sitter. An excellent sitter doesn't fawn over a spoiled, bratty bully of a child and encourage their behavior as they terrorize a little girl who you don't happen to like but otherwise isn't doing anything wrong. An excellent sitter doesn't pick on a sweet, helpful little boy because he's clumsy. An excellent sitter...you all fucking get my point. And that is the most stupid reason to judge someone's sitting ability I've ever heard. Claudia is essentially mentally challenged and you think she's a good enough sitter.
The next chapter is a Dawn chapter, so I need to stop now before I burst a blood vessel.
EBook, so no cover.
Chapter one starts off talking about how Claudia gives her father money to buy lottery tickets, and, I'm sorry, but there's NO WAY IN HELL that the ultra-uptight John Kishi would do that. Unless he's not really as conservative as Claudia paints him to be because she's pissy that he wants her to graduate middle school.
They enter the Jack-O-Lottery jackpot, which just makes me think of a bunch of gross dudes bukkake-ing all over a big grid of numbers. Whichever ones they hit are on the board. I know I'm disgusting but I can't get the image out of my head, and now you have to suffer too.
As they watch the news waiting for the lotto drawing, Kristy, I shit you not, busts out with “Oh, who cares about world peace? When are they going to announce the winning ticket?” I can't even make an affluenza joke here. Although now that I bring it up, Kristy, your stepdad is a goddamn millionaire. Borrow money from him while he tries to buy your love. Believe it or not, you are not the most important thing in the universe. I know, I know, this is shocking. But I'm not being an asshole; it's just true.
As we all remember, Dawn has six out of seven numbers and they win ten grand. Which may or may not be how the lottery works; I have no clue.
I think this eBook is Canadian. Possibly British. Dawn refers to the "cheque."
Dawn suggests using their money to crash at her dad's place in CA for spring break. It's written in the most goddamn lackluster way possible. Whichever ghostie wrote this was clearly over it:
“You know what?” I said, when my friends and I were actually holding the cheque. “We’ve got two weeks off from school next month. We could use this money to go to California to visit my dad.”
It's written with all the enthusiasm of someone saying "Hey, we could use this money to properly insulate our attic." I guess when you've been on about 10 exotic vacations in one school year you get a little jaded.
So, yeah, that's what they're doing. No mention of what Jack's response was when they BSC told him - you know they didn't ASK - they were coming.
Chapter 1 (I guess the first bit was a prologue, not a chapter, my bad) is a Dawn chapter. Ugh, we just had to put up with Dawn in the prologue that you tricked me into thinking was chapter one!
Mary Anne is making them both late for a BSC meeting by packing for CA even though they're not leaving for another week. First of all, Dawn, you may mock, but I bet you Mary Anne isn't going to forget anything vital. She's not going to have to spend her lotto winnings on necessities she forgot to pack at 2 am before the flight left.
Second of all, it just occurs to me that I have no idea what Stoneybrook does while the BSC is on their Super Special adventures. Do they call other students? I've always suspected that the BSC is largely a bullshit business - upper middle class or straight-up upper class families indulging little Kristy Thomas and her little friends to bolster their self-esteem by letting them stay with their kids while they leave the house briefly. It would explain why they have so many sitting jobs to cover them for short errands and making social calls, too.
OKAY I KNEW THIS WAS ACTUALLY CHAPTER TWO. Time for a fucking rundown of the BSC.
Kristy's family is big and annoying.
It's a HUGE DEAL that Claudia has a private phone number. Again, I feel like if the Kishis were really this stern about Claudia never having fun until she pulls her grades up, they wouldn't have allowed this. And Dawn, coming off like a smug enabler, as well as kind of a bitch, gives us this gem:
Living with a genius probably isn’t easy for Claudia, who is bright, but a poor student and an especially poor speller. Claud thinks she isn’t smart, but that’s not true. She just doesn’t like school. What she does like is art-and she’s great at it. She also likes to read Nancy Drew mysteries (but that’s about the only thing she likes to read), and to eat junt food.
Okay, let me be clear: I know that you can be extremely intelligent and completely suck at school. You can have a learning disability or personality disorder/brain dysfunction that makes it difficult for you. I get that.
But in what ways is Claudia "bright," exactly? She occasionally comes up with creative ideas, I guess, but as I think about it...she doesn't, really. Well, she thought of using marbles to make eyes on a papier mache jaguar. She did a bunch of drawings of junk food. And she thought to give the giant mutant shoe float rope "shoelaces." They talk Claudia up as this artistic genius and never show it. In book 12, she's completely baffled by the idea of abstract sculpture. That doesn't scream "prodigy" to me. (Ashley, on the other hand, while being a pretentious hipster d-bag, actually did seem pretty knowledgeable about art and very hard-working.)
She's not an "idea machine" like Kristy supposedly is, she's not well-spoken and outspoken like Dawn supposedly is, she's not emotionally intelligent like Mary Anne supposedly is - I mean, none of them are these things, but they're presented as having these traits. What DOES Claudia have besides a good metabolism and her own phone?
Anyway. We get the lead-in to Claudia's good looks and stupid outfits with Unlike Kristy, who is just average looking and doesn’t’ care much about clothes, making it abundantly clear that Dawn is still passive-aggressive as hell and also should maybe not be throwing stones, Miss Described as "Not Pretty, But Pleasant" in her Intro Book.
Claudia outfit:
on the day of this meeting, she was wearing a read shirt with Mexican shirt with cactus plants printed on it, and blueandwhite striped pants help up with suspenders. On her head was what looked like an engineer’s cap (it matched her pants), and dangling From her ears were miniature cowboy boots, which she’d made herself.
What the fuck even is that?! Who the fuck combines cowboy and train engineer besides a five year old boy??
Moving on,
Stacey is a really terrific person. She’s funny, she’s nice, she’s excellent at math (that’s why she’s our treasurer), and she’s extremely sophisticated.
Well, of course a bitch like Dawn would think a bitch like Stacey is a terrific person. I'm not sure what being sophisticated and good at math has to do with someone's character, and Stacey is NOT fucking nice AT ALL. She's the snottiest, Mean Girl-iest bitch at SMS. I will concede that she's pretty damn funny though, when the writers remember that snarky comebacks are one of her things.
Oh, and we can add "hypocrite" to the list of Stacey's great qualities, since she's wearing a Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt to the meeting. Dawn, were you not there when she acted like you were the biggest bunch of hillbillies for buying HRC shirts and being excited about it?
Dawn "admires" Stacey for giving herself insulin injections daily. 1. is it really admirable to do something that keeps you from dying? 2. I'm surprised we've never gotten a Dawn lecture about non-California Casual foods causing diabetes. (I know that's not how Type 1 diabetes works, but Dawn would find a way to bring it up.)
The Jessi-is-black thing is handled more or less okay here. Dawn gives a rundown of all their similarities and differences and the last line is One final different between Jessi and Mal is that Jessi is black and Mal is white. No commentary about how nobody cares and they all accept her lifestyle choice of being black.
FINALLY, everyone snaps out of their Family Guy flashback style trances that I can only assume they go into during these Chapter 2 monologues and Claudia acts smug about her buying lottery tickets paying off. She says everyone thought she was stupid for buying them - Claud, they think that for so many reasons - and Stacey says not stupid, just frivolous.
Okay, but if Janine had called Claudia's lottery ticket buying "frivolous," there would've been a ten-sentence rant about how she can't use "normal" words. Claudia doesn't know what frivolous means - I'm pretty sure I didn't either the first time I read this book - "but whatever it is, it paid off." *sigh*
Nothing happens; on to Chapter 2 or 3 depending on how you count. It's a Jessi chapter. Those can go either way. Fingers crossed it's inoffensive.
She opens with a postcard to Becca and Squirt. Babies can't read, Jessi. And you're ON THE PLANE. Where did you even get a postcard? Is she just writing this on a barf bag (ew!!!)?
Jessi freaks out because the plan is "huge" with aisles nine seats wide. Isn't that standard, nine or ten seats across? I've never actually flown so I could be way off, but that doesn't sound unusually big to me, especially if you're going to California, where I assume a hell of a lot of people are going for connecting flights as well as actually going to California itself.
The girls are annoying as hell, putting their jackets in the overhead compartments, then taking them back out when Dawn whines that it's cold (must be all that excess nitrogen in the atmosphere. You just KNOW Dawn would read Food Babe's bullshit and believe every word. Or is that just me thinking that? And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, here, have fun: http://theness.com/neurologicablog/index.php/food-babe-misinformation-on-travel/ ), Kristy's complaining about how bad the plane smells, Mary Anne is fussing for everyone to buckle their seatbelts before the plane is in motion, and I pity anyone sitting near them. Give me a screaming baby, thanks.
Mallory asks "Who wants to play hangman?" and I wonder how the fuck anyone can be this lame. Jessi's like "Let's save it for later" which I suspect is code for "I don't want to be seen in public with you again, ever."
Amazingly, this airline shows classic movies on its flights! It's Hitchcock month!
“It’s an old classic,” spoke up a flight attendant who happened to be passing by. “I hope you like Alfred Hitchcock. We’re showing Hitchcock films this month. Today’s is called Vertigo.”
“Thanks,” said Stacey as the steward passed by.
“Who’s Alfred Hitchcock?” asked Mallory.
“Who’s Vertigo?” asked Claud.
SIGH. Okay, first of all, Claudia is a freaking moron, okay? That question doesn't even make sense. And isn't Mallory supposed to be fairly well-read? I can understand not knowing his work, but not knowing who he is at all? And aren't these girls all stuck in the 50s anyway? They're obsessed with Hayley Mills and To Kill a Mockingbird and Mary Poppins - I find it hard to believe they don't know who Hitchcock is.
The plane takes off. Mal says "Hangman?" Jessi replies "Maybe after lunch." God, this is sad.
And now we get to the oft-referenced lunch moment, where everyone gets spaghetti, except for Stacey and Dawn, who get chicken. You know, murdered bird carcass? Yet Dawn gets all uppity when she doesn't get her vegetarian meal on another flight.
But I'm even more weirded out by this passage:
Plastic trays were set in front of us. Everything was in little compartments, like a TV dinner. And the forks and knives and stiff were packages in plastic. “This must be so things won’t slide around in case there’s a sudden drop in cabin pressure and the plane takes a nosedive,” said Mary Anne.
I'm not sure how to ask this in a way that's not offensive. Is it possible that Mary Anne is...neurodivergent? She fixates on such weird things and randomly spouts facts that nobody gives a shit about, totally oblivious to everyone's utter irritation.
Also, apparently she's wrong since people get real plates and shit in first class. Mary Anne declares that flying first class would be so fresh. Stop trying to make fresh happen, Mary Anne.
My blood pressure spikes when I read the next part:
“You know where I want to go when we get to L.A.?” Claudia shouted to Dawn. (I’m sure the other passengers loved us.)
You obnoxious little shits. It's bad enough when people are oblivious to how fucking annoying they're being, but to be aware of it and continuing to act that way?! That's incredibly rude. I thought these girls were supposed to be so "mature." Meanwhile, a four-year-old child declares that she wishes to not get dirty and they can't get over how bratty she is. BSC, YOU are a bunch of entitled, spoiled brats.
Jessi thinks Knott's Berry Farm is an actual berry farm; I'd never heard of it until I read this book, so I can't snark that, even though we were probably both pretty lame.
Jessi wants to see the wax museum in Hollywood. That sounds way too uncanny valley for me. Mal wants to see movie stars' homes, which I think is a really weird practice. Maybe it was more exciting pre-internet, but it's just so damn creepy.
Kristy asks if there's a sports hall of fame, because Kristy is a total dick on vacations if she doesn't get to do only things that interest her (see: BSC in the USA). Dawn has no clue. I pray there isn't, because I don't want to read about that.
Stacey wants to go to Grauman's Chinese, and, well,
“Yeah! Just like they did on I Love Lucy,” agreed Claud. “Only we won’t try to steal John Wayne’s footprints.”
I had no idea what Claud was talking about, and I didn’t want to ask.
Heh. +1 for Jessi. But god I forgot how grating those random I Love Lucy references are. I do actually believe that the littler kids would watch it - it was on Nick at Nite and a lot of the humor is kid-friendly; I liked it when I was about 10-11. But I think teenagers would be totally over it.
Also, I Love Lucy shows up in, like, ALL of AMM's books, not just the BSC-verse. It's really, really annoying. It seems like something a little kid would do, constantly referencing something THEY like instead of creating characters and thinking about what they would enjoy. Maybe I'm just butthurt because AMM made millions on this crap.
Dawn berates Jessi for not knowing that San Diego is another plane trip's worth of distance from Anaheim, because she really is Left Coast Stacey. Bitch, you don't even know if there's a sports hall of fame.
Mary Anne goes all guidebook and I'm skipping that because OH MY GOD SHUT UP MARY ANNE.
Instead, I'll comment on this: so for the next couple of hours we sat in dead silence, watching this really scary movie.
I have a really hard time believing that Vertigo would scare teenagers. Yeah, it's a pretty fucked-up story, but it seems like the kind of thing that would get into adult womens' minds a LOT more. Especially teens in the early 90s who would've been used to the 80s franchises that likely would've defined horror for them. Also, doesn't Mary Anne hate scary movies? Why is she watching this?
They land; they wait 45 minutes to claim their baggage because Claudia and Stacey packed so much shit (already inconveniencing Jack and Jeff; what wonderful guests); Carol is at Dawn's house and Dawn gets her panties in a wad.
Jessi's been invited to hang with the Masters family on the PS 162 set, though, so she's pretty stoked.
Chapter 3 (4?) is a Kristy chapter. OH GOOD.
And of course she opens the postcard like this:
Dear Mom, Watson, Nannie, Charlie, Sam, David Michael, and Emily.
Well, I’ve used up half of this card just writing your names!
AMM, that wasn't funny the FIRST time you did that. It's not funny now. Also, that comment just wastes more space, so it's doubly stupid.
And the whining immediately begins. Kristy complains about jet lag, and nobody really wants to do anything that day but hang out. That's fair (though it seems a bit wasteful of a day), but then Kristy starts whining yet again:
In all honesty, I wanted to go back to bed, but since so many of us were visiting the Shafer’s, my bed was a sleeping bag was on the floor of Dawn’s room. And I was not tired enough to want to go back to the sleeping bag.
Show of hands, anyone think Kristy hasn't even bothered to thank Jack for letting her crash in their house? Instead she's internally griping that she has to sleep on the floor. Not everyone is a REAL LIVE MILLIONAIRE with an eleven-bedroom mansion, you ass. Hell, some people, even if they can afford it, don't live in a huge-ass house just in case they marry someone with too many children.
Carol shows up to make brunch and Dawn gets pissy. What a bitch, cooking for you like that.
Kristy stops being a spoiled brat for a minute to think
I couldn’t figure out why. She loves music, and knows a lot about MTV and music videos and stuff.
First of all, MTV and music videos! An actual timely reference! Second of all, fucking THANK YOU, Kristy.
I think this is the book where it's mentioned that Carol is 32. The age I am now. Which is mildly upsetting since I started reading these books when I was Vanessa Pike's age. But...horror of horrors, I actually like some (but not most :P ) current music! Dawn would fucking hate me, I guess. But I really don't understand the whole "people can only like things that were popular in their youth" notion. Why? Anyway, the BSC only likes Elvis, the Beach Boys and occasionally the Beatles (except for Stacey's boy band phase). So...hypocrite much, Dawn? YOU like the things I assume CAROL is supposed to like, and that's fine.
Sunny calls and invites everyone to a meeting of the We <3 Kids Club, which still sounds like a very different type of organization than they're going for to me. Dawn actually warns the BSC that the W<3KC is more "relaxed" than the BSC.
This strikes me as a bitch move on Dawn's part, but I really can't tell if she's genuinely being insulting towards her former club and its members or if she's actually scared that Kristy will freak the fuck out. Which is a valid fear, so I guess I'll let it slide this time.
I didn’t say anything. I was already beginning to feel...funny.
Goddammit, Kristy, this is a really inconvenient time to realize what all that "hatred" you feel towards Dawn actually is. Save it for the next BSC book, Kristy and the Pride Parade. (NGL, I would read the FUCK out of that book. Can you imagine the BSC float with Claudia's number painted on both sides and the charges dressed up in rainbow outfits Mallory made? SOMEONE WRITE THIS FIC.)
I knew there was no reason to be competitive, but, well, I did feel that I had sort of invented baby sitting clubs, and that I knew best.
OH MY GOD, KRISTY. Your unwillingness to not be declared objectively right in subjective situations is going to fucking kill me.
Sunny said, “members of the BSC, meet the We Love Kids Club. I’m Sunny Winslow.” (Duh.)
She's just such a bitch. She actually gets irritated that someone is introducing themselves to her because she happens to already know who they are. What the fuck is wrong with her?
They don't have officers, and Kristy is aghast because she can't comprehend how they get anything done without assigned officers. Sunny, getting pissy, is like "We just do what needs doing; it's not as fucking hard as you people make it seem." She doesn't actually say that last part, but it's implied.
They get a call that nobody is free for, and Mary Anne wants to babysit on vacation because she's goddamn lame and they need to shoehorn in these stupid plots somehow. She's sitting for the Left Coast version of Charlotte, Stephie.
Kristy is horrified that clients are permitted to call whenever they want, at any girl's house.
Hmmph. This was a sorry excuse for a babysitting club.
Uhhhhh. The clients probably love it, because they don't have to grind their lives to a halt at dinnertime every other weekday. That sounds like a better model in terms of client satisfaction, and while there probably are times they can't reach anyone, well, they can try again in half an hour, because they're not limited to thirty minutes a day three times a week.
They also just take whatever jobs they want, leaving Kristy to wonder why they bother with an appointment book. Uh, because writing down schedules is a thing people do so they don't lose track of their appointments.
Stephie is asthmatic, Dawn awkwardly explains what asthma is because somehow they don't know, and the eBook has replaced "inhalator" with "inhaler" so I don't have to be irrationally annoyed by that for the rest of the book.
GOD I WANT TO PUNCH KRISTY IN THE FACE SOME MORE:
“Anyone want to sit for Erick and Ryan or Saturday?” asked Sunny.
It was a good thing her hand was cupped over the receiver because Jill and Maggie both groaned loudly.
“What’s wrong with Erick and Ryan?” I asked.
“They’re terrors, that’s what,” said Maggie.
“Well, I’ll sit for them,” I said. I would show the We <3 Kids Club what a real babysitter could do.
OH MY GOD KRISTY YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITE. You all pull this exact shit when the Prezziosos call, and Jenny is a reasonably well-behaved little kid. I haven't read this one in a while; please tell me Kristy gets her comeuppance later. Especially after this:
as soon as she hung up, she said, “Kristy, you don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself into.”
I didn’t care. Anyway, I didn’t think I’d gotten myself into anything. I am an excellent sitter. I can handle all kids of kids. But Sunny, Jill, and Maggie were bombarding me
with rapidfire advice:
“Give those boys an inch and they’ll take a mile.”
“Don’t let them out of your sight for a second.”
“Set down rules with them right away.”
Ha, I thought. I don’t have to listen to this. Especially from members of a club that doesn’t have officers and doesn’t even hold regular meetings.
Kristy, you are not an excellent sitter. An excellent sitter doesn't fawn over a spoiled, bratty bully of a child and encourage their behavior as they terrorize a little girl who you don't happen to like but otherwise isn't doing anything wrong. An excellent sitter doesn't pick on a sweet, helpful little boy because he's clumsy. An excellent sitter...you all fucking get my point. And that is the most stupid reason to judge someone's sitting ability I've ever heard. Claudia is essentially mentally challenged and you think she's a good enough sitter.
The next chapter is a Dawn chapter, so I need to stop now before I burst a blood vessel.