Mary Anne and Too Many Boys Chapters 1-6
Chapter 1
Mary Anne is in a really good mood because it’s the last day of school and first day of summer. I remember those days. I used to look forward to them the second school started. The BSC has gathered for a special BSC meeting because everyone is going away on vacation and Kristy has to boss them around one more time before they all leave. I wish the girls would go on vacation, meet some sane people, and then come back and tell Kristy to suck it. I would have been hilarious if they got influenced by the WLK club and been like, “Why do we need officers or a club notebook? All of us are capable of answering the phone or counting money or checking a notebook. And unless something really important or interesting goes on during a job, do we have to write it down? We’ll be discussing it in detail at the meeting anyway, since we can’t talk about non-kid related topics.
The thrill of summer vacation is enough for Mallory and Jessi to resist Kristy’s glare. They just giggle. I would laugh so hard if someone just looked at Kristy and said, “What?” whenever she pulls her bitchface. Seriously, she isn’t Medusa or the basilisk, so what the hell can she do? Mary Anne says that Kristy believes that nothing short of an earthquake is an excuse to miss the BSC meeting. Not even an earthquake is an adequate excuse. Let’s face it, there could be an earthquake and there might be a bunch of shit going on because you have to rescue people and whatnot, and Kristy would still complain that you missed the meeting, even if you or your family was injured. Hell, if someone died, she’d probably dig up their corpse and take them to the meeting.
I bet Kristy is the type of person who looks at the last person entering the room and says that they’re late even though the meeting hasn’t started yet. One of my teachers did that. Class hadn’t started yet and the person came in and my teacher was like, “The last person in the room is late,” or some shit like that, even though the bell hadn’t rung and they weren’t technically late. At the very least they couldn’t have be penalized because the bell hadn’t rung. I also bet Kristy is the type of teacher to say, “The bell does not dismiss you, I do.”
Dawn is leaving to go to California and I’d be thrilled as fuck I could have some peace and quiet in my house without Dawn’s endless bitching. Dawn asks Mary Anne if she said good-bye to Logan. They tried to have good-bye sex, but Logan could only get it up by thinking of Pete Black and then he moaned Pete’s name, so that was a bust. Kristy can’t stand for them to be talking about something other than kids, so she asks if they can come to order. I don’t think there’s really much for them to do. Everyone but Kristy and Jessi are leaving and they aren’t planning any special events. Everyone is probably too keyed up over their vacations to pay attention to Kristy.
Mary Anne says it’s amazing how many good things happened to her because of the BSC and I wouldn’t call being part of a cult that shuns you whenever you do shit that they don’t like such as cut your hair or talk to someone or have an opinion that isn’t theirs or get mad at you for being sick, good. But I guess these girls are so desperate to have friends that they ignore this. I can understand this. I was shy and lonely and maybe I would have put up with a bunch of bullshit from my friends. Now I’m fine with being a loner, but as a thirteen year old-maybe not as much.
I also like how Mary Anne was just like, “Yo, can Dawn join?” and Kristy was like, “Whatever,” while Mallory got put through the wringer. These girls didn’t even know Dawn but it was okay for her to join no problem. Meanwhile they know Mallory, know that she’s reliable and helps out with her siblings, and they ask her questions a nursing student wouldn’t know the answer to. It would be so cool if Mallory and Wendy bonded over the BSCs dumb rules and tests. I can just imagine Wendy being like, “Is that really a rule? You can’t be serious. No one’s that stupid.” It also would have been hilarious if Wendy sat for Jenny and got along with her and she said, “I don’t know why you guys always complain about Jenny. She’s perfectly well-behaved. The Pikes and Karen Brewer on the other hand…”
There’s a mention of Dawn has to be familiar with all the roles in case she has to fill in. I don’t think it’s that hard. She can be Kristy because she already has permanent bitchface, she’ll just have to bitch about people being five seconds late in addition to bitching about Claudia eating junk food.
Kristy has to whine about sitting for Jenny Prezzioso, because apparently she gives babysitting a bad name. I think you guys are just butthurt that Jenny doesn’t kiss your ass and has a mind of her own. Mary Anne says it’s not her fault because she’s four, but she’s heading for the world’s most spoiled kid award. I thought lots of kids were a little spoiled at four. They might grow out of it. And it’s really rich how they call Jenny spoiled when Claire is a year older and throws tantrums when she doesn’t get her way and it’s fine and Karen is seven and is a bossy brat to everyone and everyone thinks it’s cute. Claire and Karen are way worse than Jenny and they don’t shit on them.
Mary Anne and Stacey reminisce about their first trip to Sea City. I love how Mary Anne says that she and Stacey babysat for the Pikes when Stacey just stood by Scott’s stand with her underwear soaked and thinking, “Oh my gosh, he looked at me(he was really looking at a seagull next to her) he wants me! Mary Anne was the one babysitting while Stacey was like, “Mary Anne, it’s not my fault that Vanessa ran away to be a traveling bard, Mallory got eaten by a shark, and the triplets ran off to be pirates. You’ll have to learn to deal with things like that.”
Claudia is going to Vermont. It’s a little sad to read about how the Kishis are going to a different place because of Mimi’s recent death because the memories might be too painful. Kristy finally realizes that the girls actually want to talk about their vacation plans like normal fucking teenagers instead of whether Lucy Newton is teething.
Chapter 2
Dawn is trying to decide which bathing suit to take with her to California. She’s bring six of them-three one pieces and three bikinis. I only have one bathing suit. It’s not like I’m at the beach every day. My older cousin thinks I’m a disgrace because I live in Florida. He’d be at the beach every day. Dawn offers to lend Mary Anne a metallic string bikini and Mary Anne’s like, “I know my dad loosened up after he started getting laid, but he didn’t loosen up that much.” I looked up string bikinis. Some of them look decent, but some of them look like it’s just the tiniest scrap of fragment of the nipples and crotch and the entire ass is on display. I can just imagine Richard’s reaction to that. Mary Anne mentions how Richard used to be really strict. I agree that having your clothes picked out and being told how to wear your hair would suck, but I didn’t really think the nine o clock curfew was that big of a deal. Then again, I live in a house where I would have a curfew(if I ever went out) and my mom texts me to see how I’m doing when I’m out with friends and I’m twenty-three, so that was normal for me.
Richard and Sharon come in to see how the packing is going. Richard brings sunblock for Mary Anne because she burns in the sun. I’m shocked Mallory didn’t get painful sunburns. She’s a redhead. I thought redheads burned in the sun. I can just see Mallory getting a sunburn and having a hard time moving around and the triplets being little shits and smacking her. Sharon made a special meal for Dawn before she leaves and Richard and Mary Anne are nervous because they aren’t health food nuts. Then why don’t they just cook their own food instead? I think some health food sounds good and other health food sounds nasty. Just as there’s some junk food I wouldn’t eat and some junk food I would eat. It turns out that Sharon made spinach lasagna with salad and bread, which everyone likes. Is it so hard to compromise when it comes to meals and finding shit they all can eat? I guess it is. Compromising is just as bad as being flat out wrong. I think the most important things to these girls is being right, not the relationships they have with people.
They drive Dawn to the airport. Dawn is actually nice and tells Mary Anne she left her a mystery to read and she can borrow some of her tapes. Did Sharon slip Dawn something? Maybe she felt badly for the passengers and didn’t want them to have to put up with Dawn whining that a passenger was eating a murdered cow.
That night, Mary Anne can’t sleep. She thinks of all the things she needs to take to Sea City. I know that when I’m packing my stuff for a trip there are times when I get paranoid and go-“Do I have my books and my Nook? Do I have my Nook charger? Do I have my phone and its charger? Do I have my birth control? Did I forget to pack anything?” And then when I’m leaving the hotel I have to double check to make sure I didn’t leave anything behind. Mary Anne starts thinking of all the stuff the Pikes will need to take on their vacation-towels, beach toys, bathing suits, because there’s no way in the hell the parents will organize that by themselves. They’d probably just make Mallory organize everything.
Chapter 3
I think I’d throw myself out of the car or ride in the damn trunk before I rode with the Pikes. Adam wants to know if they can stop for donuts. Mrs. Pike says no and that they’re stopping at their usual place. We drove up to Orlando on boxing day so we could go to Universal Studios. We just got juice when we stopped for gas because my mom was like, “We aren’t stopping to eat.” My aunt made sandwiches and we just ate them in the car.
Vanessa rhymes and drives everyone crazy. Byron tries to get Mrs. Pike to get Vanessa to shut up, but Mrs. Pike just shakes her head. Byron, you sweet summer child. Did you expect your mother to actually parent? That’s Mallory’s job. The Pikes are basically the opposite of Richard(it’s in the book) and let the kids do whatever the fuck they want. Well, except for Mallory, but that’s because she’s the ginger stepchild, so she doesn’t count. The kids don’t have to eat foods they don’t like and they can go to bed whenever they want, Claire can walk around naked or try to pierce her ears with a needle and thread, and the triplets can write profanity on the walls because I guess the Pikes are the type of parents who believe that telling a kid no will damage their spirt. I guess since they think that not allowing their kids to swim when there’s no lifeguard present will shatter their psyche. If I were Mallory I’d be so mad. I’d be like, “What kind of bullshit is this? I can’t even get a fucking sweatshirt because apparently a sweatshirt is the equivalent of a thong, but Claire can ride her Barbie car all the way to a busy road and it’s fine? And why do I have to do all the work? You have other kids-try asking them for help.” I lost track of the number of times I complained to my mom because she never asked my brother to do chores.
Mary Anne tries to get everyone to play a game. I would have just said, “Fuck it,” and listened to music while reading. I always come prepared on my car trips. I have my Nook and at least three other books in case my Nook dies. But I always charge my Nook the night before we leave. There’s some bullshit about the triplets being immature idiots and teasing Nicky.
They stop for ice cream. Mary Anne used to feel bad about eating ice cream in front of Stacey, but Stacey’s cool with it. I remember I asked my vegetarian friend if I was cool if I ate a turkey sandwich in front of her. She didn’t give a shit because she’s not a controlling bitch like Dawn. Mary Anne realizes that they’re missing someone. Stacey and Mary Anne realize that Claire is missing before her parents do. I wonder if the Pikes would accidentally leave their kid at the gas station. Well, they’d probably leave Mallory. I would laugh so hard at how much the Pikes would fall apart without her. It’d be like, “Who is going to pick the olives off my pizza?” or “Who is going to make imaginary sandwiches?” or “Who is going to wipe my ass?”
They find Claire and get to Sea City without further incident.
Chapter 4
The Pikes arrive at the house and have to unpack. They groan. I don’t know why-no one besides Mallory does any work. Everyone else probably already headed down to the beach while Mallory unpacked. Hell, Mallory probably had to get out the bathing suits for everyone and make sure they were all wearing sunscreen and had all their toys while her parents went off to make another sibling. Mary Anne looks out the window and sees a lifeguard with some kids. She remembers Scott and how Stacey had a huge crush on him. She doesn’t mention how Stacey spent all her time creaming herself over Scott and left her to do all the work and had the nerve to get mad at Mary Anne for thinking she should do her damn job. I would have had half a mind to steal Stacey’s money and been like, “Bitch, I’ve been doing your job. Your ass ain’t getting paid.” Of course when Stacey’s an adult she can get paid by having people shove dollars down her g-string.
Stacey says she’s way more mature now and I call bullshit. The second she sees a cute guy it’s “Oh my gosh, he looked at me! We’re going to be married.” Stacey is like those people on Facebook who post every month about how they found the one and then post afterwards that their heart has been broken and then post the same shit over and over again. It got kind of annoying to read, but then I just unfollowed them or ignored the post. Mary Anne says it was an interesting vacation. I’d have been grumbling about Stacey being a lazy skank and being paranoid that she’d see another cute guy and be too busy changing her underwear to help with babysitting. Actually, underwear just gets in the way.
Stacey mentions Alex and Toby. Claire wants to go to the beach. They have to finish unpacking. Even though the house has plenty of extra rooms, the kids all share rooms. I’d have been like, “Fuck that-I’m getting my own room.” It was a pain in the ass to share a room with my brother. When I got my own room I was like, “Ah, I can decorate it how I like and I can play music I like and I can lock the door without having my brother saying he needs to get shit.”
Mary Anne asks what Stacey is going to do if she sees Scott. I hope she’s thinking, “Bitch, if you even think of pulling the same shit you pulled last time, no one will find your body.” Stacey says she won’t go and buy him chocolates. They get ready to go to the beach. Vanessa doesn’t want to go because she has her notebook. It looks like she’s writing something. Mary Anne wonders what’s up because Vanessa loves the beach.
Vanessa wants to be by herself. I’d want a little alone time myself to be honest. Mary Anne and Stacey decide not to stage an intervention and leave Vanessa alone.
Chapter 5
Mary Anne has a hard time writing a postcard to Logan. She says it was harder to write than a paper for English class because she has to set the tone. I always found it easier to write papers for school or the newspaper than my own work. Maybe it’s because I had a deadline, so I knew I had to get some shit out. I was able to write when I did nanowrimo. I actually won this year. When I did my term papers, I just had to think up a topic and find some articles on it and make some arguments. It wasn’t bad writing articles for the school newspaper because no one read it. But when I go to write my own work I’m like, “Should I use that description? Is that offensive? Is this a good opening line? Should I make the beginning more exciting? Is the beginning boring? Should I edit that part out? Does this phrase make sense? If I write about stealing, will people think I condone it?” I’m just so paranoid because I’m afraid of offending people that I sometimes have trouble writing. I’m also worried because I’m like, “My writing doesn’t sound like my favorite author’s. It sucks!” Maybe I’ll get some confidence later on. I basically go between-this is great and fuck this sucks when it comes to my personal writing.
Mary Anne wants Logan to know that she’s having a good time, but she doesn’t want Logan thinking she forgot about him. It’s a cloudy day. How do you guys feel about cloudy days at the beach? I personally prefer it when it’s sunny, but I can go for a walk if it’s cloudy. I get decent inspiration when I’m taking walks. I can write a bunch of shit in my head when I’m walking my dog or taking a shower or taking my final exam for math class, but the second I get paper in front of me I’m like, “What are words?”
Shockingly enough, Mr. Pike is flipping pancakes and not making Mallory do it. Wait, Mallory is making orange juice. Oh, who am I kidding-Mallory would still be expected to make orange juice and pancakes. Apparently Mrs. Pike is very organized. I’m not sure if making Mallory do all the work while you sit back and watch being organized.
Everyone goes off to do their own shit. Mary Anne takes the girls to go get ice cream. There’s a twelve year old at the counter who is either eying Vanessa or Mallory. His name is Chris. Claire gets soda spilled on her. Mallory and Chris knock heads together but before they can finish their meet cute moment, Claire starts crying so they have to clean her up. They order a sundae and the whipped cream machine goes out of control, so Chris has to remake it. After that Mary Anne is like, “Fuck this shit-make it a takeout,” because she wants to leave. Mary Anne notices Vanessa is upset and thinks it’s because of the bad luck Chris has been having. She says it isn’t Vanessa’s fault. Mallory gets her sundae and Mary Anne is like, “Fuck ice cream-we’re out.” I get that what happened would be kind of inconvenient, but worse things could have happened. At least there were no angry customers yelling at them. I would have hated for that to happen.
Chapter six
The notebook is a good idea because how else would Kristy be able to bitch about poor Jackie and how he’s hazardous to their health and should come with a warning label? Mary Anne acts like this is the opening to a horror movie-it was just going to be a nice day at the pool when horror struck. She also says that Kristy’s day babysitting started out innocently, but even flash floods start small. I bet Jackie didn’t do anything that bad. I bet he did shit that people did at least once-hell, more than once.
They go to the pool and Kristy watches Jackie like he’s a ticking time bomb. The kid is just going to get a cookie. He unwraps the cookie and drops it in the pool. Kristy tries to scoop it up. The lifeguard comes over and scolds Jackie about it. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard of kids peeing or taking shit in public pools. Jackie said he wasn’t going to eat the cookie by the pool, he was just unwrapping it and the lifeguard is like , “Yeah, right.” Kristy realizes that being a klutz isn’t much fun. It isn’t. You know what else isn’t fun? Being a klutz and everyone mocking you for it and acting like you’re being a klutz to inconvenience them! So Jackie dropped his cookie. That could happen to anyone. I don’t think I’d dropped my food in the pool, but I’m sure I’ve dropped my food before. I don’t see how this inconveniences Kristy that much. Jackie is the one who lost his damn cookie.
Jackie steps on a bee. Kristy takes Jackie to the first aid station. Kristy acts like she’s been running after the Rodowkskys like Mallory runs after her siblings, even though all that’s happened is that Jackie dropped his cookie and stepped on a bee. I don’t know how that makes him a huge disaster. How does that make him hazardous to the BSC’s health? Jackie goes to get food and gets so much candy he can’t pay for it all. Kristy tells him to just get the burger. What does that have to do with him being a klutz? And I’m sure other kids would have grabbed a bunch of candy and not had enough money. One time in college I wanted a snack so I went to get a brownie. The only problem was that I’d left my wallet at home and didn’t realize until I’d ordered the brownie. Luckily I had enough spare change in my backpack to pay.
Jackie also goes to take a shower without telling Kristy where he was going. Kristy thinks about scolding him. Let’s not forget how Karen ran off and got a manicure and a soda and had Kristy worried sick and Kristy was just like, “Oh, you!” I don’t see how this trip was that horrible. The problems were relatively minor and were solved right away. It’s not like Jackie nearly drowned or broke his foot or something. The BSC just has no idea how to handle the slightest inconvenience. Neither do I, which is why I don’t plan to work with kids. The kid just has to start crying and I’ll cry myself. There’s this bitchy line about how another day with Jackie was finally over. Fuck you guys. How the hell was hanging around Jackie hazardous to their health? It’s not like he tripped and brought Kristy down with him.