mallory's christmas wish, the end!
it's over, it's over! yay! thank goodness! finally, the last three chapters of mallory's christmas wish! and, there is a bit of a hint as to what i will be snarking next hidden within this snark!
i hope you all enjoy this as much as you did parts one, two, three and four!
and i also want to say a special GET WELL SOON! to bleeding_thorn2! sending virtual love hugs and chicken soup your way!
now, onto the snark!
Chapter Thirteen
in spite of mallory's previous freak out over the difficulty of planning gifts for every single member of her family, she opens this chapter by telling us that "the number one best thing" about a pike family christmas is secret santa's. this is apparently a tradition in her family. SO WHY WAS SHE FLIPPING OUT IN THE FIRST CHAPTER OVER GIFTS FOR EVERY SINGLE FAMILY MEMBER?!?
then she explains to us what a secret santa is. but i'm sure no one really needs this information, so i'll leave that filler out! merry christmas in january!
after the bullshit filler, she tells us that they'd made their secret santa selections the day before the christmas boutique. i should add that with pike secret santa's, you don't just get a person's name on a slip of paper. no, you get their name AND their "wish" on it as well. i'm pretty sure it's usually just a name, right? any time i've either been involved in one of those secret santa gift exchanges or heard about them happening, it's just been a random name and you're stuck figuring out a gift. maybe this way is better? or just more fucking complex.
i guess this is where the title of the book finally comes in, too. it's the only part of the book so far that involves a "christmas wish" on mallory's part.
mallory's wish was pretty easy, she says. she wrote: 'i wish for the greatest christmas book of all time.' figuring someone will get her 'dicken's a christmas carol or something else wonderful.'
she got adam and his wish. what did the budding sociopath of slate street wish for? 'an iguana or a snake or a gila monster. or all.' so mallory buys him what she describes as 'a disgusting, realistic, slimy python' at a toy store. fun?
she says she couldn't wait for christmas eve, when they exchange their secret santa gifts. so…do they exchange more gifts on christmas day? if they do exchange more gifts, does that mean that not only do these kids get stuck figuring out secret santa nonsense, but gifts for every one of their elebenty billion siblings and faux-folks as well? jesus. considering mallory is the only one who has any kind of income, meagre as it is, that's a bit fucking much. i know most of the kids will be making gifts, but still. maybe with a family that large, they should just stick to secret santa's. there's only so many shitty poems vanessa can write and only so many times claire can get away with smearing excrement onto construction paper, covering it in glitter and cornflakes and then calling it a gift.
'the days before christmas eve are a big blur now. i remember a lot of baking. and shopping. and helping mom and margo knit a cap for dad. and more shopping. and some door-to-door christmas carolling. and more shopping.
but most of all, i remember little round camera lenses staring at me.'
at that point, i'd probably be hitting up the faux-folks moonshine reserve.
mallory only got two breaks from the channel 3 douchebags, on tuesday and thursday afternoon, while she was helping out at the manor's boutique. i guess that boutique is running for a few days, then. and that mrs. kronauer has booked her favourite child slaves as volunteers. that sucks.
mallory states: 'boy, was i glad the channel 3 crew had been kicked out of there. i felt much more relaxed without them.' which makes me laugh. i'm glad those parasites got kicked outta there, too, mallory. now if only someone would have the balls to kick them out of your damned house!
the pike's doorbell rings at 8:11am on the morning of christmas eve. geez, i wonder who that could possibly be? mallory deduces that she is not the only one who had been in a dead sleep prior to the doorbell being rung by what can only be a fucking douchebag, at 8 in the fucking morning, because the doorbell rings a second time. she stumbles like a drunk out of bed to go answer it, just to hear her dad calling out, "just a minute!" to the asshole at the door.
mallory creeps out onto the upstairs landing and hears her dad opening the front door, saying, "couldn't you guys make it a little later? no one's awake."
i fucking KNEW it would be mr. henry and his channel 3 henchmen! oh, sorry BSC PC police -- henchpeople.
get a load of THIS outrageous bullshit:
'"sorry," mr. henry's voice answered. "we'll be silent. we have a lot of extra equipment, and it's going to take awhile to set up. look at it this way: since we're setting up today, we can let you sleep in tomorrow morning."
how nice of them.'
you took the words right out of my mouth, mallory!
that bunch of fucking pompous, self-important douchebags! and also, yeah fucking right you'll be silent, mr. henry! you're dragging in and setting up a bunch of new equipment, how the hell can you do that silently? and how is anyone supposed to sleep with you creepy assholes in the house? GET THE FUCK OUT!
but i have bigger balls than faux-father, because he not only puts up with this bullshit, but offers to make coffee. you're not even awake, man, they should be bringing you all coffee after waking your asses up, coming unannounced first thing in the fucking morning, on a fucking HOLIDAY. normally, i'd be happy--no, make that THRILLED--that mr. pike is actually doing something, since he rarely lifts a fucking finger, but this is bullshit. this is a load of fucking crap, these people need to be kicked the fuck out.
jeannie, who is a princess, requests decaf, adding "if you have it," as if essentially requesting that someone who hasn't had a single caffeinated coffee yet and has just woken up, make two separate pots of coffee, isn't a total fucking inconvenience and a load of utter horse shit to boot. if i were mr. pike, i'd either pretend there wasn't any decaf, or i'd fucking dump coffee grounds directly into the pot just to piss her off. i know it's passive aggressive, but he clearly has no balls, so he's got to start somewhere.
mallory heads back into her and vanessa's room to put on some clothes, internally monologuing "poor dad." when she gets downstairs margo, vanessa and nicky are all sitting in the kitchen in their PJs, while their faux-father does some faux-fathering and pours their cereal for them -- jesus, these kids are so motherfucking helpless! don't tell me that, what? nine, eight, and seven year olds? can't pour their own fucking cereal? whatever. -- mallory helps her faux-father after saying hello to her inept siblings, who will never be able to make it in the real world because they can't even:
1-pour themselves cereal,
2-clean their own spills,
3-tie their own shoe laces,
4-remove toppings they don't like off their own pizza…
need i go on? dare i? i'm afraid i would lose my fucking mind.
faux-mother wanders downstairs looking dazed and faux-father says good morning, then asks if they have any decaf. but hallelujah! they haven't got any! she tells him to put it on the grocery list, "along with brown sugar, salsa, some extra chocolate chips, and the deli stuff," i'm sure he'll delegate the task of writing out five damned items to mallory though, pouring cereal is all he can manage. parenting, even for ten seconds, is enough to make him run like hell for the moonshine and tennis racket.
he asks "duuuur, what deli stuff?"
'"for sandwiches," mom said. "to have when the neighbours drop by."
"neighbours?" dad said.
mom took a deep breath. "yes. you know, people who live on our block. who always seem to drop by on christmas eve to chat. and who will most certainly do so this year in great numbers when they see that the tv cameras are here."'
you have to serve them sandwiches? are they dropping by expecting a meal or something? give them some cookies. you people are busy and have shit going on, you don't need to make sandwiches for all these people. give them some of the hundreds of cookies you apparently made, and some of that "special" moonshine cider you assholes drink, and call it a damned day.
faux father is desperate to get out of faux-fathering, so he says he'll run out to get the food, but faux-mother is gigundoly sick of faux-mothering and this faux-marriage, not to mention the channel 3 crew, so she cuts him off, "no, never mind, i can use the fresh air." and storms the fuck out. mallory actually tells us that her mother stormed out. wow.
'chew, chew, chew. we all chewed silently.'
then why you writing out the chews there, if they aren't audible? ah, saint peter wants to burn through as much of his word count as possible. don't worry petey, i'll wait while you get it out of your system.
mallory says that her faux-father 'tried to look cheerful as the rest of my brothers and sisters filed in.' until there is a 'crash!' because it's not a lerangis BSC book without sound effects!
'i jumped at the noise from the living room. pow ran in, growling. a moment later, nestor ran into the kitchen, asking, "do you have a broom? we busted a light bulb."'
faux-father walks him to the broom closet and the kids finish breakfast in silence. wow, they must be down if every single pike kid is silent. these are kids that wake up out of a dead sleep singing top 40 hits from the fifties at top volume. they're very, very, very rarely silent. especially all of them, all at once.
faux-mother returns home from the battle that is grocery shopping on christmas eve--MADNESS! no joke!--and mallory tells us that todd had driven to a deli in the mean time to get coffee for the crew. so when faux-mother cheerfully calls out --or "sang out" as mallory puts it--"fresh hazelnut coffee for everyone!" as she walks through the front door, she's met with a "no thanks, we're fine," from that utter DOUCHE mr. henry. i would've put my fist through a camera. i swear to god.
'mom's smile disappeared. "who's going to help in the kitchen?" she called out, trying to sound normal.
"me!" shouted vanessa, byron, nicky and i.'
holy shit, kids other than mallory offering to help?!? for once, mallory isn't the only one helping out? HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS! they either know their mother is on the teetering on the edge of a complete meltdown or they really, REALLY want to escape those fuckers from channel 3!
the kids unpack the groceries, then vanessa and mallory start making sandwiches while byron and nicky helped their mom set out ingredients for chocolate chip cookies. lemme guess, they're going to make ninety million cookies today?
mr. henry comes in demanding paper towels, sorry, politely asking to "borrow" some paper towels. faux-mother shows him where they are and he takes the whole roll. guess this means channel 3 owes them a roll of paper towels.
faux-mother somehow manages not to start screaming and just attempts to give her youngest son directions, telling him to break the eggs carefully. but seeing as every day is opposite day in the pike household, he makes a royal fucking mess and gets egg on vanessa's feet, which causes her to start shrieking. mallory reaches for the paper towels. but of course, there are none. mr. henry "borrowed" the whole roll.
feel free to start screaming at any time, mallory. i know i'm about ready to!
mallory runs into the living room to retrieve the paper towels and check this bullshit out:
'i saw a wad of paper towels soaking up a coffee stain on the windowsill* the rest of the roll, covered with dirty handprints, was on the floor.
i grabbed it and ran back to the kitchen.'
*AGAIN!?!? with the coffee being left on the motherfucking windowsill?!? jesus christ!
pow is licking raw egg off of vanessa's feet, but somehow vanessa doesn't shove him off until mallory arrives so they can share in the joy of doing it together. then mallory cleans her sister's fucking feet. good god, can't a nine year old clean her own damned feet?!?
*adds to list*
5-clean eggs off their own motherfucking feet.
this chapter…is going to fucking make me scream. my blood pressure has got to be through the roof right now.
more pike madness:
'adam and jordan wandered in and started eating chocolate chips. mom yelled at them. claire and margo started fighting in the den. dad yelled at them. something thumped in the living room. mr. henry yelled at nestor.'
see, i knew the happy family facade would crumble eventually. too bad none of this yelling on mr. and mrs. pike's part is being caught on film, since the crew is busy setting up equipment. and yelling as well, it seems.
just as everyone is yelling, the doorbell rings. because people in stoneybrook have impeccable timing and will ring someone's doorbell and bother them even if they can hear people yelling inside the house, instead of thinking, "hmmm, it sounds like this is a bad time. maybe i should leave. or call the cops or something. either way, visitors are clearly not welcome right now." stoneybrookites lack common sense. and common decency. and brains.
six pikes scream "i'll get it!" but mallory is the one who runs for the door, tripping over wires in the process and taking 'a tumble [her] gym teacher would have been proud of.'
"you okay?" mr. henry asks, probably worried she's injured and will sue his and channel 3's asses or some shit. she doesn't even get to respond, because MR. AND MRS. ARNOLD PUSH THE FRONT DOOR OPEN, shouting, "merry christmas!" okay, assholes? wait for someone to answer the fucking door! you don't just walk into someone's fucking house! jesus fucking christ, what is WRONG with EVERYONE in stoneybrook? why does everyone in this fucking town think it's okay to just barge into people's fucking houses? ANSWER ME, GOD! ANSWER ME!
'i sprang to my feet. mom and dad were tiptoeing around the wires. "hi!" mom called out. "come on in!" (she sounded worried about that last part.)
"nicky dropped the sandwiches in the sink!" vanessa yelled from the kitchen.
"excuse me," dad said, bolting away.'
hey, arnold family, maybe you should leave now, the pikes clearly have too much shit on their plates right now. and some of it just ended up in the sink!
'mom and i tried valiantly to carry on a normal conversation with mr. and mrs. arnold and marilyn and carolyn. we couldn't sit, because the sofa and chairs were full of camera equipment. and the crew was running around like crazy. i must have heard "excuse me" a million times.
soon the smell of burning cookies wafted into the living room. "we forgot to set the timer!" nicky called out.
"be right back!" mom said.
what a nightmare. one batch of cookies was charcoal.'
please tell me the arnolds leave NOW? how can they NOT see that this is a bad time? WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE IN THIS FUCKING TOWN?
mallory says that eventually they managed to make four decent, non-burnt sheets of cookies and that only one sandwich had been ruined after getting dumped in the sink by nicky. see, THIS is how it would really go down with the pikes baking, especially mass quantities of food, they'd be burning almost everything into an inedible mess. she also tells us that her mom had been right about the whole damned --very well dressed, mallory assures us--neighbourhood showing up. mr. pike even had to temporarily grow a teeny tiny set of balls so he could tell the channel 3 crew to take their junk off of the furniture so people could actually sit the fuck down.
'finally, around one o'clock, the visitors left.'
so this all happened in the span of like, five hours? jesus. or does she mean 1AM?! cuz i wouldn't be surprised. it feels like this day has already lasted an eternity.
'"okay, let's do our secret santa's now, or forever hold our peace!" dad announced.
we gathered in the living room. the crew had finished setting up, and the place actually looked sort of neat. dad plugged in the christmas tree lights. adam put the triplets cassette tape on. mom brought in a tray of piping hot drinks--hazelnut coffee for her and dad, hot chocolate for the rest of us.'
i bet those coffees are 90% moonshine with 5% coffee and 5% bailey's irish cream in lieu of milk. faux-mother probably put a little moonshine in the kids hot chocolate too. this whole family could probably benefit from getting their drank on after this shitty fucking day.
'dad stood by the christmas tree. all of our presents were under it. i'd wrapped adam's snake in a huge box to fake him out. i could see him eyeing it curiously. closing his eyes, dad said, "i will pick, totally at random, the very first gift from santa."
"uh, excuse me, we're not filming," mr. henry interrupted, waving jeannie over.'
i'm about to crack, you guys. about to fucking crack!
'"come on!" jordan complained.'
i'm with you, j-dawg! for once, i totally agree with you.
'"action!" mr. henry said.
dad reached under the tree.
"cut!" mr. henry said. "say the intro again, will you? okay, action."
dad repeated the part about picking at random. then he reached under the tree and took out a long box. he looked at the tag and read, "for vanessa!"
"yeeeeaaa!" vanessa screamed. she grabbed the box and said, "my wish was to become rich and famous."
she tore it open. inside was a stack of fake hundred-dollar bills* and a newspaper with a huge banner headline:
VANESSA PIKE ELECTED PRESIDENT!!!
vanessa clutched the money and burst out laughing. "ya-hooo! my wish came true!"
"i got her that at the mall," adam bragged.
"cut!" mr. henry said. "let's get a close up of that headline. okay…action."
dad patiently let jeannie zoom in on the newspaper.
"cut!" mr. henry called out. "okay, long shot…okay, mr. pike…action!"'
*counterfeiting is illegal, pike children! did you learn nothing from 'stacey and the mystery money'?
someone duct tape mr. henry's mouth shut for me, okay?
'dad reached under the tree and picked up another. "this is for--"
"cut!" mr. henry yelled.
"NO-O-O-O-O!"'
finally! FINALLY! someone is protesting this shit! i could weep tears of fucking joy.
'byron's scream nearly made me lose my hearing.
"no! no! no! no! no! no!" byron was on his feet now, stamping around the living room. "no cutting! i'm sick of cutting!"
"shh, shhh," mom said. "it's all right." she stood up and put her arm gently around his shoulder.'
holy…shit…she's mothering one of her children…and not just mothering, but soothing. or attempting to, anyway. it's yet another christmas miracle!
'"that's my box!" byron whined. "i looked."
"okay, calm down." as mom led him back to the couch, she glared at mr. henry. "can we roll now?"
"action," he said with an apologetic shrug.'
uh…okay, parenting fail. this would be where you call an end to all of this bullshit, or at the very fucking least, make the bastards wait until the kid has calmed down and not just put a fucking camera in his fucking face.
FAIL FAIL FAIL!!
'"this one belongs to…byron!" dad announced.
"i wished for my own phone," byron said.
inside his box was an ancient, battered old fisher-price telephone that claire used to play with.
byron howled. he picked up the receiver and said, "send over twenty-seven pizzas--now!"
dad squatted down to reach under the tree again.
ffffft! a light bulb on one of the crew's lamps burned out.
"cut!" mr. henry said.'
hmm, do you think the pike kids will allow this bullshit to continue? i don't!
'"ohhhhhhhh!" groaned vanessa.
"this is boring!" adam said.
"i hate this christmas!" jordan shouted. "why do we have to have these stupid cameras around?"
"make them leave," margo said. "please, dad? mom?"
mom looked as if she were about to cry. dad looked furious. i expected him to chew all of us out. i hoped he wouldn't be on camera while he did.'
girl, you shouldn't have to be worried about that. but i understand.
'dad stood up and took a deep breath. he turned to mr. henry. "would you please leave?"
huh? for a moment i wasn't sure who he was talking to.
mr. henry looked as if he'd been asked to stand on his head and sing "the star-spangled banner."
"excuse me?" he asked.
"just for a couple of hours," dad said [his new-found balls rapidly shrinking to the size of peanuts]. "we need a little break, okay?"
"sure," mr. henry said with an uncertain nod. "we'll take a lunch break."
we waited quietly while they set down their stuff and left.'
*APPLAUSE! FAN FAIR! TICKER TAPE PARADE!*
'"now," dad said. "let's do this the way it's meant to be done."
yea, dad!'
mr. pike hands out the rest of the gifts. mallory tells us that adam loved his toy snake -- so much so that he immediately used it to terrorize claire by chasing her around the living room with it. budding sociopath of slate street, i tell ya!
what did mallory get?
'you know what my gift was? my "greatest christmas book of all time"? a blank journal, bought for me by vanessa, with the inscription: it hasn't been written yet. get to work.
it was the most wonderful gift i could have hoped for, i gave her a huge hug and kiss.'
aww, that's really sweet, actually.
once the gifts have been unwrapped, reality starts to set in again.
'"dad," nicky asked timidly, "do we have to let the camera crew come back?"
"say no, say no, say no," pleaded vanessa, the old-fashioned christmas contest winner, the one who got us into this mess in the first place.'
the chapter ends with faux-father sighing and looking to faux-mother for guidance. faux-mother screws up her lady balls and says, "i think it's time for a family meeting."
Chapter Fourteen
the pikes clear the dining room table, then bring their mugs to the kitchen to top up their coffee-moonshine and hot chocolate-moonshine blends to get through this family meeting.
mallory can't resist getting flowery with her description of the dining room table: 'the mugs steamed as we set the down on the table for our family meeting. to me, the table looked like a small english village of houses with smoking chimneys.'
say what? i think it probably looks like fucking mugs filled with steaming hot liquid on a fucking table, kid. whatever, it's probably just that moonshine kicking in. the kid's got 'shine-goggles on right now.
'i guess i still had my mind set on the idea of an old-fashioned christmas season. december had started out that way, but it sure had changed. it had gone from old-fashioned to out-of-control.'
i'll say! and it turns out that adam isn't the only pike with a propensity for psychopathology:
'so, guys, what are we going to do?" dad asked.
"ssssstrike fassssst and sssstrike deep," adam said, moving his snake closer to claire.
"sto-o-o-op!" claire protested.
"adam, put that away," mom demanded. "before mr. henry comes back, we need to have a serious discussion."
"i am sssssseriousss," adam said. "we should buy real sssssnakessss and hide them in the camera equipment."
"or maybe rats," byron suggested.
"ew, gross," margo said.
"porcupines!" claire piped up.
"the cameraman asked us to pose," vanessa recited, "when a snake popped out and bit him on the nose!"
dad was laughing, "uh, do i sense that we're all a little tired of the tv crew?"'
duh, faux-father! mallory tells us that so many heeds nodded that 'it looked as if a small earthquake were shaking the room.' adam states that they get in the way. margo adds that they break shit. mallory tells her parents that they almost completely fucked up the stoneybrook manor boutique. her faux-mother nods and says, "and they scared uncle joe away from our party." at least, i'm guessing the faux-mother was the one who said that. vanessa grumbles that they stepped on pow. ASSHOLES.
'i sighed. "i wanted us to have this great christmas, just like in the olden days. but it hasn't been any fun at all." there. i had said it as plainly as i could.
"i know what you mean," mom said. "it was kind of exciting at first."
"and we're rich." jordan added.
"so?" adam snapped. "it doesn't feel any different."'
maybe because ten grand doesn't equal "rich"? maybe because your family was actually never as "poor" as it's we readers are led to believe and ten grand doesn't change a hell of a lot in your day to day lives? and it's all supposed to go to college anyway so you wouldn't see it to begin with? i know ten grand would make a huge difference to my little family, to a lot of the snarkers here as well, probably. but as we've all discussed, the pike family isn't actually poor. they're well off. so, whatever to these morons.
'byron was pouting. "tomorrow's going to be so stupid. merry christmas--cut! pass the turkey--cut! deck the halls with cut-cut-cut!"
"silent cu-u-ut," margo sang. "ho-o-oly cu-u-ut!"
"it doesn't have to be that awful," dad said. "we could tell them to leave."
"we did already," nicky spoke up.
dad shook his head. "i mean for good. kick them out."'
wow, he must have elephantitis of the nuts right now!
'"we can't," i reminded him. "you signed a contract. they paid us all that money."
"a contract is an exchange," mom said. "we can cancel it at any time, if we give them back what they gave us. dad made sure to write it into the contract."
"give back ten thousand dollars?" jordan asked.
"we were doing okay without it," dad replied [i'll say!] "if we gave it back, we wouldn't be any different than we were last month."
"yeah. we would," byron mumbled. "we'd be happy."'
once again, the whole ape family goes radio silent. but only for a moment. mallory glances over at vanessa, who she says had been pretty quiet, 'sitting back in her chair and twiddling the ends of her hair.' nice filler, there, mallory.
'she tilted her head lower, so that her hair fell in front of her face. when she spoke, her voice was barely audible. "i'm sorry."
"for what?" mom asked.
"for entering the dumb contest." vanessa replied.'
get ready, guys, faux-mother is about to bust out some parenting for the second time in as many chapters! this probably won't happen again until mallory decides to go to boarding school, so this has got to last us a long while, okay? soak it all up:
'mom leaned over and put an arm around her. "it's not your fault, sweetheart. you meant well, and we're all proud of you. no one could have predicted how this would end up."
vanessa began sniffling.'
let us have a moment of silence to appreciate this display of motherly love from a mother who routinely forgets that her children even exist.
side note: vanessa is probably sniffling because she's not used to receiving love, affection or even a modicum of caring from either of her parents. and because she knows it won't last.
faux-father suggests they put it to a vote: "all those in favour of banishing channel 3, raise your hands."
mallory raises her hand, as does byron, adam, margo, claire, nicky, faux-father, faux-mother and vanessa, though poor vanessa has to wipe her eyes on a napkin first, because she's been crying.
jordan is a douchebag and just sits there with his arms folded, scowling at his family and mumbling about not being rich anymore.
dude, don't worry about it, you're already pretty fucking rich: your father is a fucking corporate lawyer or some shit, you take vacations every time someone sneezes, are able to rent beach mansions on the jersey shore every fucking summer and it kind of sounds like your faux-folks belong to a tennis club of sorts, to boot. so, money doesn't appear to be a problem for your family, you can chill the fuck out now.
and also? TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS DOESN'T MAKE YOU RICH. it just feels like it, if you, you know, are actually poor. which you're not. so shut up.
'then, reluctantly, he raised his hand, too.'
probably because he heard me shaming his stupid ass. the one time a fictional character listens me, and it has to be that fucking idiot douchebag jordan pike.
jordan pike on a good day:
'when the doorbell rang, we had just finished cleaning up. as mom and dad opened the door, we all gathered behind them.'
dis gun be guud.
'"hi, there," mr. henry said. "everyone well rested and ready?" he walked past my parents, taking off his gloves and hat. nestor, jeannie, and todd trudged in behind him, clutching paper cups.
i looked at dad. he was glancing at mom.
he's chickening out! i thought.'
damn mr. pike and his rapidly shrinking and retreating balls!
still, this shit is so gooey gooey rich that i have to share it all:
'"okay, let's use that higher wattage bulb, todd," mr. henry said, then turned toward dad. "does the house have fuses or circuit breakers?"
dad swallowed. then he said, "mr. henry, i'm afraid there's been a change of plans."
mr. henry cocked his head impatiently.
"you see," dad went on. "we're kicking you out."
mr. henry burst out laughing. so did nestor. jeannie and todd ignored the remark.
"i know, i know, what a morning, huh?" mr. henry barged on. "the reason i ask is because we're adding some equipment that may drain on the current so--"
"i'm serious," dad said firmly. "we'd like to stop shooting. for good."
now all three camera people turned around. no one was laughing.'
it's the 'shine that's making faux-father so brave. i just realized. it's not that he's developing balls, it's that he's drunk off his ass. oh well, if it works, it works!
'"well, that's not possible," mr. henry said. "i mean, i know it's been a little stressful this morning--"
"it's not just this morning," mom spoke up. "this whole process has worn us down, mr. henry. we would like a real, family christmas. by ourselves. not fancied up and edited and posed for tv viewers."
mr. henry smiled nervously. "look, we're all tired. our tempers are short. the kids are restless. don't you worry, we've got a lot of terrific footage already, and i know the show will be a huge success. but without christmas eve and christmas, we have no show. everything goes to waste. the film, the work, the salaries--"
"well, i'm sure ten thousand dollars would go a long way to pay for the loss," dad said.'
i kind of doubt it, but i don't care. i want this bullshit over with as much as the pikes. maybe even more, because i'm a real person feeling real stress over this shit, and they're just characters in a book.
'mom scooted into the kitchen and returned with a checkbook.
"please," mr. henry said. "let's not be rash about this."
"he has a rash?" claire whispered to me.
"ssshhh," i said.'
oh saint peter, you just couldn't resist, could you?
mrs. pike is already writing a check to mr. henry at this point. and now it's time for the pike family to FINISH HIM!
'"nothing rash at all," dad said. "i appreciate your efforts, mr. henry. i know how hard you've worked. but the truth is, what you're filming is simply a lie. how many wholesome, all-american christmases involve cutting, re-shooting, and staging? not to mention interrupted sleep and big arguments in public places."
"but that--we agreed--" mr. henry spluttered.'
splutter away, mr. henry, YOU STILL LOSE!
'"if you want an example of how a family operates, here it is," mom said, handing mr. henry the check. "by unanimous decision at a pike family meeting, we have decided to cancel our contract and return your money."
mr. henry's face turned bright red. he glared at the check as if he wanted to burn it with his eyesight. i thought he was going to explode.
claire gripped by hand tightly.'
ya know, if more families and people involved in reality tv shows did this, the world would be a better place right now. and 85% of tv programming wouldn't be fucking "reality" tv.
mr. henry somehow manages to compose himself enough to give them a curt nod, take the check and stuff it into his pocket. his parting words are spoken sharply, "your choice," then to the crew, "let's wrap."
the camera crew don't say a single word, they just start grabbing their equipment and getting ready to leave.
YAY!
Click to view'my family and i moved into the kitchen. out of the camera crew's sight, claire and margo started jumping with excitement. the triplets and nicky leaped as high as they could to smack high fives. even pow looked happy. mom and dad hugged. i could hear mom whisper, "i'm so relieved."
she'd taken the words right out of my mouth.'
mine too, mallory, mine too.
faux-father tells mallory to call up uncle joe and tell him what happened, "maybe he'll change his mind about tomorrow."
uh, why don't you call him, mr. pike? is it because you know you're a douche to your uncle and there's a better chance of him responding favourably to mallory? or is it because you fucking hate responsibility and taking action of any kind, and you've used up your quota for the next fifty years just this afternoon? i suspect a little from column A and a little from column B, to be honest.
so mallory calls her uncle joe, who answers 'after about ten rings.'
she explains what happened and that it would "just"--HA!!!--be the family on christmas, adding, "please join us. you'll have such a good time, and we're dying to see you." but ten people is--no, make that, ten PIKES--is, no surprise here, too big of an overwhelming crowd for poor joe, and he tries to say no, stating that his back isn't what it used to be. mallory tells him faux-father/shitty nephew will pick him up, to which joe responds, "well, of course he will. he would't expect me to walk!" lol. i love you, uncle joe.
'"so you'll come?" i asked.
claire and margo started jumping up and down again.
uncle joe sighed. "i guess the alternative is spending it with conner. i'm not willing to suffer that much. okay, tell your dad i'll be in the lobby at ten o'clock sharp. if he's not there, i'm heading back to bed."
now that sounded like uncle joe.
"great. i'll tell him," i said. "thanks. i love you."
"me, too." uncle joe said with a chuckle.'
and heymalice typed with a tear in her eye.
fuck you, baby-shitters club! fuck you, very much for making me feel like crying.
mallory says bye and hangs out, then screams, "he said yes!" her siblings all start cheering.
the crew is loading up the last of the equipment, but jeannie ducks into the kitchen to try and show them that not all people in the entertainment business are complete assholes, i guess, because she whispers, "you made the right decision. merry christmas." to them. they wish her a merry christmas back, also whispering, and then she leaves. and once again, all is quiet on the western front.
no more cameras. no more douchey mr. henry. no more sleazy todd the pedo. no more bullshit. well, outside the usual pike bullshit.
the chapter ends thusly:
'"well," dad said. "what are we waiting for? i think some presents need to be put under the tree--it's christmas eve!"*
i'm sure mr. henry heard our howl of delight, even if he was a block away.'
*yup, i was right. they do secret santa's and then exchange more gifts on christmas. that has got to be a complete cunt to do with that many people.
one more chapter left!! YAY!!
Chapter Fifteen
the chapter starts with a series of eight thumps and an "eeeeeeeee!" because why not? it's the end of the book, burn up that word count!
mallory assures us that the "eeeeee" x infinity wasn't 'a herd of screaming wildebeest' then parenthetically asks us, the readers, if wildebeest scream. mallory, i'm fucking exhausted. a this moment in time, i can't even tell you if wildebeest fucking exist without pulling up an internet search engine, let alone whether or not they scream.
oh, they do exist. see? these books + exhaustion = fucking massive brain fog. i don't know if they scream, but apparently they have 'a wide array of loud vocalizations from moans to explosive snorts.'
nope, mallory tells us, 'it was the sound of the pike family christmas morning assault.
that's about the only way to describe it--eight kids and a dog storming downstairs and diving under the tree at the same time.
and we didn't have to trip over any wires. or stop. or do it all over again.
"cut!" dad called from the top of the stairs. [because he's a massive douchecanue.]
"no way!" byron yelled happily.'
i'll yell happily myself, once this atrocity of a book is finally over!
the other kids call shit like "get out of here!"--vanessa--and "nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah,"--claire, who is helping to chew through some more of that bothersome word count. faux-folks walk downstairs hand in hand, faux-father saying, "feels good, doesn't it?" i'm unclear as to whether he's asking mrs. pike about the early morning buzz from the bathtub gin they drank before coming down, or if he's just asking everyone in general in regards to not having a camera crew around. personally, i think he and mrs. pike are tripping massive balls on some super toxic, highly concentrated bathtub gin.
when claire gets excited that santa ate the cookies, margo tries to rain on her parade by raising an eyebrow and saying, "claire…" like her next words are going to be something along the lines of santa not being real and claire being a baby or some shit. come on, you assholes, don't ruin it for her!
'"well, they're gone!" claire insisted. "and so's the milk and the celery for the reindeer!"
margo looked at mom. mom gave her a wink, as if to say, our little secret.'
yeah, you assholes at scholastic, just keep rubbing it in that santa isn't real. you just keep right on shattering people's childhood beliefs like so many christmas tree baubles, you gigantic bag of dicks.
i'm so glad i hid this book from my sisters when i was growing up.
mallory says she loved her presents and then proceeds to tell us what she got: her mom knitted her 'the thickest, softest scarf,' which honestly, i don't believe. i don't believe her mother put that much time and effort into a gift for her. sorry. i just don't. vanessa wrote her a book of poems, which i'm sure will make for absolutely riveting reading. the triplets and nicky declared a truce long enough to make her, and everyone else, some homemade chocolates. mallory tells us that she doesn't know when they had time to do it. i want to know how they figured out how to make them, and also, who let these kids-- who apparently are so stunted and utterly dependent on their older sister, that they can't even wipe their own spills or tie their own fucking shoes--near a fucking stove. and how they managed not to burn down the fucking house.
i taught myself how to make chocolate truffles on christmas eve and it involves boiling heavy cream on the stove. these kids would have either burned themselves, each other, or the entire house down--or all three, if they are as completely incapable of doing anything at all on their own as we are meant to believe.
mallory didn't get anything from margo or claire, i'm guessing, because their gifts to her aren't mentioned. she makes sure that she and her dad leave for stoneybrook manor on time to pick up uncle joe. probably a good thing she's going along, because i wouldn't want to get into a car alone with douchebag john. he's an asshole. her faux-father even wore the hat that mallory and margo knitted for him. mallory says the hat is a little lopsided. so, just desserts for being an ass of a faux-father, i guess.
when they arrive at the manor, joe isn't waiting in the lobby like he said he'd be. he's in his room playing cards with conner. they 'gently' remind him of the time and then help him into the car where he 'grumbles' during the drive to the pike's house. he 'complains' as they walk him to the front door. i hate when even mallory uses words like this when talking about her uncle joe.
as soon as they get through the door all the kids start fucking SHOUTING at him. no wonder he didn't want to go. he may have alzheimer's, but i'm pretty sure he remembers how fucking loud these idiots are!
'they surrounded uncle joe, gabbing and kissing him and showing off presents. vanessa and the triplets had pasted a photo of uncle joe on a sheet of white cardboard and written WE LOVE YOU, UNCLE JEO! around it.'
uh…is this a typo in the ebook? or do these kids really not know how to spell joe? i'm…i'm worried. and scared. has claudia been "tootering" them on their spelling?
mallory is worried too. about all the fucking noise and 'commotion' her ape siblings are making. 'i thought uncle joe would be scared and demand to be taken back. but all he said was, "thank you. let me sit on the couch, please." a tear was slowly making its way down his stubby left cheek.'
STOP. MAKING. ME. SAD. MALLORY.
i have to call my grandpa soon. this shit is making me miss him.
'i have never seen uncle joe look so happy. or looking so strong. he even helped pump up this humongous green exercise [next word missing in ebook, unless the "exercise" part was a typo?] that mom and dad had given claire.'
they eat and drink--probably more bathtub gin and moonshine--and play and listen to music and play some more. jesus, what a waste of words. vanessa reads parts of mallory's christmas story aloud, which she had finished and given to her. ha, that fucking wreck of a story from the beginning of the book? i wonder if this will be "the greatest christmas story of all-time"? then 'we ate and drank and played again. dad took lots of photos.' good to know.
'that was it. all day long. simple. relaxed. absolutely perfect.'
around two-thirty, we are told, faux-father drives uncle joe back to the manor. 'after such a wonderful day, did uncle joe bid us some emotional farewell? some deep, tearful message of thanks?
the last thing he said when he walked out the door with dad was, "send me some of those photos, will you, so i can plaster them all over my room. that kind of thing drives conner crazy."
i guess that was his way of saying he'd had a good time.'
keep on rocking in the free world, uncle joe. i salute you!
just minutes after faux-father and uncle joe depart, mallory hears people singing "we wish you a merry christmas" on her front porch. now who could that be? gee whiz, i wonder!
'i pulled the front door open. the other BSC members were standing there, warbling away.
"and a happy hanukkahhhhh…and kwanzaaaaa and new yeeeear!" they ended the song.' killing more of that word count as they go, of course!
i imagine the BSC sounds just as bad "warbling" out christmas tunes as this dude here:
the girls 'hustle' into the house, spreading hugs, kisses, and those yummy flu season germs around, wishing everyone happy holidays and such. mallory's siblings crowd around their other surrogate parents, showing their christmas gifts off to them. mrs. pike asks "to what do we owe this great surprise?"
'kristy shrugged. "i felt kind of bad about the BSC party. you know, the way i complained when the tv crew left? so i called everybody and asked if they wanted to stop by."
"asked?" claudia said.
"be at slate and burnt hill," abby imitated kristy. "two forty-five sharp!"
kristy was turning pink. "i wasn't that bad…"'
mallory is clearly talking utter shite when she tells us it was totally great, dibble, and chilly to have her family christmas interrupted by her "friends." adding that their timing was perfect because she's 'not sure uncle joe would have appreciated the company.' damn right he wouldn't have.
the BSC stay for about half an hour, eating all the food, "gabbing" and exclaiming over gifts, until charlie arrived to pick kristy up. guess he's not driving abby back, even though she lives a stone's throw away. guess charlie is finally trying his hand at setting limits with his sister and her friends.
'afterward mom said, "it sure is nice to have a welcome interruption.
i knew what she meant. what a difference the last day had been, without the cameras.
sure, we had given up our chance to be stars. and we had thrown ten thousand dollars out the window. but for that money, we had sacrificed a lot. now it felt as if we'd finally reclaimed our lives. and just in time.'
and just think mallory, this is how shitty it felt just doing one reality tv christmas special. could you imagine doing a whole season of episodes? multiple seasons? jesus christ.
the book ends with mallory telling us that that night they sang carols around the fire until she fell asleep and faux-father had to carry her up to bed. 'it was the first time that had happened in years.
and i think it was the best night of sleep i ever had.'
BUT WAIT! it's not over yet! we have a letter from the rabid wildebeest that is ann m martin! i've noticed that the majority of these 'dear reader' bullshit letters had absolutely fuck all to do with the actual content of the books. probably because she hadn't the foggiest fucking clue what happened in any given book beyond the title and whatever plot ideas she'd had initially that probably got changed a LOT by the ghostwriters. lets see just how fucking relevant to the book this letter is!
'dear reader:
as a kid, christmas was always my favourite holiday, and now as an adult it still is. in fact, i usually take the entire month of december off just to prepare for the holiday. i buy presents for my friends and relatives, i sew christmas and hanukkah outfits for my godchildren, and i always give a big party. all my friends and their children come to it. every year the kids work on special art projects. it can get pretty messy. maybe i should hire a baby-sitter to help out. [oh no she didn't! oh yes she did, she went there! LOL!]
nothing like what happened in mallory's christmas wish has ever happened to me, but an old-fashioned christmas is something i always wish for. i guess i'm old-fashioned at heart.
happy reading!
ann m martin.
p.s. hodges soileau, the artist for all the covers of the baby-sitters club books, finally posed for one of his own paintings. look on the front--he's the man in the green jacket.'
ann's been hitting the pike's home-distillery again, i see.
a last note from me: when i read the "dear reader" bullshit letters from ann out to my husband, i always give her a really smug/bitchy/derpy voice. it's super fun. in fact, it's baby-sitters club super special fun! fuck, yeah, it's fucking bed time for me. you'd think i'd been hitting up the 'shine with ann and friends. jesus.
and they all lived happily ever after! especially me, because this book is over!
