mallory's christmas wish part 3!
hey guys!
as always thanks for all of the comments to part one and two, and i hope you all enjoy the madness that follows and that your holidays are awesome and filled with good food, good company and plenty of good cheer. ;)
now onto the show!
Chapter Seven
merry christmas from the baby-sitters club, y'all!
it's tuesday afternoon and mallory, jessi, kristy and mary anne are off to harass the old folks at stoneybrook manor. mallory tells us that she's 'back on earth, more or less' and that the shoot had gone pretty well, though there were major fuck ups, oh sorry, 'a few goof-ups'--same thing. what constitutes as a 'goof-up'?
1-margo flinging cookie dough onto one of the cameras. that sounds more like a fuck up to me.
2-todd the pedo-cameraman spilling coffee on the dining room carpet--MAJOR FUCK UP. i hope he's paying for the carpet cleaning!
3-pow somehow managing to get into the raw cookie dough and eating it, then promptly getting sick as a, er, well, dog. also a fuck up.
mallory says they still had a great time and somehow managed to make the thirty dozen cookies. jesus fucking christ. and i honestly fucking doubt that. all those cookies need to cook and they could probably only fit four baking sheets in the oven at once, TOPS. so, i fucking doubt they got it all done. don't lie to me, mallory! she claims she and her deadbeat dad made the last few batches once everyone else lost interest. when'd ya do that? at 5am? like…just…fuck off with your lies.
the crew is set to come back on wednesday to film more boring bullshit at the pike's monkey house. joy of joys. will this golden age of television never end? such quality programming! surely, a show such a this is a gift from the tv gods!
'at school, everyone wanted to know how the shoot has gone--friends, teachers, even kids i'd never met. i had to answer the same questions over and over. but you know what? i didn't mind at all.
fame was okay.'
well, yeah, you probably feel popular for the first time in your life--it's a major ego boost. and god knows you need one. too bad after this everything will go back to normal. well, until they eventually get a hell of a lot worse.
so she's in a 'pretty terrific mood' as they walk to stoneybrook manor. it's a warm day for december, we're told. ah, your holidays are being fucked over by el nino too? sucks man. super fucking sucks. it's the 19th as i'm writing this chapter up and we only just got some snow last night. it's managed to stick, too. i doubt it will last, though. [ed. note: it was washed away by the rain the next day and we haven't had snow since.]
a few of the manor's elderly residents are out taking walks on the grounds with nurses and they wave to the girls. i actually live across the street from an old folks home that is probably a lot like stoneybrook manor, except with added depression, since there are ambulances parked out front pretty much every damned day. sometimes multiple times a day. living across from a place like that for seven years has made my husband and i reach an agreement: neither one of us will ever put the other in a home.
'stoneybrook manor is a long, modern building with lots of windows. as we stepped through the revolving door, we entered a small corded* lobby. diagonally from the door to the main hallway, a threadbare streak had been worn into the floor by shoes and canes and wheelchairs. visiting hours were ending, and as families filed out, nurses bustled around them.
i realized how rundown and small the place was. no wonder they needed to raise some money.'
*i don't know if that's a fuck up in the ebook or if it actually says in the book that the library is "corded."
well, sounds pretty close to what i've seen of the place across the street. except "our" old folk's home is BIG. and it also has a second building a block up the street, where they put the elderly residents who need more specialized care/a closed facility. oh, and both places charge residents/their families a fucking MINT just to live there. the price to live there starts at $5,000 a MONTH and goes up depending on the level of care you need or any other special treatment, etc. there is at least one resident who we see picking up other people's discarded cigarette butts in the parking lot in front of the 7/11 to smoke because he doesn't have enough money to buy cigarettes. it's disturbing, to be honest. and really fucking sad.
'a trim white-haired woman with sharp blue eyes was standing in the open door of a large room off the hallway. when she spotted us, she smiled brightly. she was dressed in a tartan flannel skirt and simple white blouse. her shoulders were slightly stooped, but she walked toward us with a lively bounce. "pardon me, is one of you jessica ramsey?"
"that's me," jessi said, offering her hand. "and you're mrs. kronauer?"
"that's me!" mrs. kronauer replied.'
isn't she technically old enough to be a resident? i wonder if the residents resent her for having her freedom and not being stuck in a fucking home?
she thanks them for "agreeing to help"--more like for agreeing to be total fucking slaves for her and do ALL the fucking work. after jessi introduces the others mrs. kronauer asks mallory if she's joseph pike's granddaughter. mallory tells her she's his grand-niece.
'"well, i'm sure he'd love to see you after we're finished."
"really? but visiting hours--"
"not to worry. we're a group home, not an army base."'
well, at least this time it'll just be mallory visiting him. unless that invasive bitch kristy insists on crashing the party.
they are told boutique will be in the rec room and then she drags their pre-teen asses through the manor to show them the room where they will be baby-sitting. god, this chapter is horribly dull. i'm furiously multi-tasking/massively procrastinating as i write it so i can ease the crushing weight of boredom.
they will be baby-sitting in one of the lounges, which has a television. kristy will probably chuck that devil-box out the window before the kids arrive, mrs. kronauer, you might want to hide it or something.
the girls survey the room, deeming it, "great" (mallory), "comfortable" (mary anne) and noting that it contains "no sharp objects" (jessi). kristy decides to show off like a motherfucker and says she'll bring along some plastic plugs for the electric outlets. i'm imagining her as that weird ass puppet from "calling all safety scouts." someone needs to smack her upside the head.
for those who don't get the reference or crave nostalgia...calling all safety scouts:
mrs. kronauer eats this shit up, of course: '"you are top-notch baby-sitters, i can tell. i'll be happy to supply some toys, books, and games. we have them on hand for visiting grandchildren…and great-grandchildren!"'
mary anne demands, i mean, screws up the courage to shyly stammer out a request for a table and chairs, "for art projects." mrs. slavedriver says she'll ask the custodian, then adds that she'll be needing them to baby-sit for four hours, from five o'clock until nine. the manor will provide food for them and the children--yeah bitches! liver and onions, mashed to a fine puree, all the better to slide down the ol' gullet! sounds fantastic!--i guess they feel they have to supply a meal, ya know, since they won't be paying them and all.
the walk back to the lobby when they are startled by the loud "smmmack!" of a folding table that had collapsed onto the floor, an elderly resident/volunteer bending over it. mrs. kronauer puts on a show of pretending to care about the old man and asks him if he's all right. the old man, mr. mead, is fine so kristy runs over to help him with the table. mallory, mary anne and jessi get the hint and rush over to help adjust the chair legs. then kristy fucks off to help set up another table. because they get off on being used, i guess?
'"dear, you don't need to do that," mrs. kronauer said.
"i don't mind," kristy called over her shoulder.
mary anne and jessi were now wandering over to a table by the corner, where several residents were preparing decorations and a big banner.
one of the women in the group pulled up two chairs. as she gestured for my friends to sit, mary anne turned to mrs. kronauer. "do you mind if we help?"
"mind?" mrs. kronauer smiled. "goodness, you girls are already part of the family."'
this "family" sounds like mallory's and it's not a "family" i want in on. non-stop slavery, man. tis the season to get worked to the bone, y'all!
mallory knows better, she knows bullshit when she smells it. instead of agreeing to get fucked in the ass by mrs. slavedriver, she says, "speaking of family, is it okay if i see my uncle joe now?" mrs. kronauer says she can and offers to take mallory to his room. i bet mrs. k is kicking herself right now for mentioning it, she could've had a fourth pre-teen slave right about now!
when mallory reaches uncle joe's room the tv is cranked to 11:
'"THAT'S RIGHT! NINE OUT OF TEN DOCTORS SURVEYED RECOMMEND SKIN-SILK CLEANSING CREAM FOR EFFECTIVE ACNE REMOVAL! JUST CALL ONE-EIGHT-HUNDRED-ZIT-GONE FOR YOUR FREE SAMPLE!"
i could hear uncle joe's tv blaring halfway down the hall. when i looked inside the room, uncle joe was sitting in bed, smiling and looking out the window, while the pimple commercial gave way to a heavy metal video.'
wow, first pimple cream and now heavy metal! you wouldn't see either in a non-lerangis BSC book, let alone both on the same page!
'somehow i kept a straight face. that was not what i expected him to be watching.'
mrs. kronauer practically has to yell to be heard over the tv. she keeps repeating that it's his grand-niece, mallory.
'uncle joe looked at me. for a moment, my stomach knotted. did he recognize me? i couldn't tell. alzheimer's can rob a person's memory so fast.
he didn't say anything to me, but he glared back at mrs. kronauer. "what?" he yelled back. the guitar solo seemed to ricochet around the room.
"this is your grand-niece, mallory!" mrs. kronauer tried again.
"well, of course it is!" uncle joe snapped. "i'm not blind!"'
haha, you tell that old bitch, joe!
as soon as mrs. kronauer was out of sight, uncle joe gave mallory a wink and a smile. awww. she cracks up and he says, '"turn down the tv, will you, laurie?"
at least that was what i thought he said. but it was hard to tell with the noise. i turned the volume almost to off. "i didn't know you liked music videos," i said.
"i don't pay attention to it," uncle joe said, waving dismissively at the tv. "it drives connor out of the room, though, so it can't be all bad."
mr. conner is the name of uncle joe's roommate. (why does the word long-suffering pop into my brain when i think of him?)'
wow mal, you're talking smack about joe too? you gotta stop listening to your damned father bitching about his uncle. just because your dad is an asshole and a sociopath who can't feel empathy or sympathy for others, doesn't mean you have to start taking after him.
'"what brings you to this place?" uncle joe continued. "little old me?"
"well, um, my friends and i are going to help out with the christmas boutique." boy, did i feel guilty saying that. i mean, it was the truth, but it made me sounds as if i hadn't wanted to see him.'
well, ya could've lied, mallory. it'd only be a white lie and you would be telling it to make him feel loved. there's no fucking harm in it. or, ya know, you could always visit him more regularly. without the apes you call your family, or your so-called "friends." spend some fucking time with him. seriously, you can walk to stoneybrook manor, yet your family has all but abandoned joe there. jesus.
'uncle joe nodded. "connor's working on that." he looked as if he wanted to say more, but his eyes wandered over to the tv.
"are you?" i asked. "i mean, working on it?"
"no, no," he said softly. "could you please get me my drink, laurie?"
that time the mistake was clear. i was too embarrassed to say anything. i reached for a half-finished cup of juice on his dresser and gave it to him.'
now that's really fucking sad.
where's my damned chocolate? i need a fix right about now…
'uncle joe's hands shook as he took it from me. as he sipped, a thin trail of juice dribbled down his cheek. i grabbed a tissue and gently wiped it off. uncle joe was such a confusing guy. on one hand, he could be so gruff and cranky. but on the other hand, he seemed so frail and alone.
we didn't talk much longer. but when we said good-bye, he called me mallory, not laurie. and he did remember about our christmas invitation. that made me feel a little better.'
i'm not gonna lie, you guys, this shit is making me teary eyed. i hope this chapter is almost over.
mallory meets the others in the rec room. everything is hunky dory and one of the residents, a man named mr. rubin, is playing piano in the corner. the girls say bye to mrs. slavedriver and then they walk home. oh, minus kristy, who has disappeared.
'of the three of our houses, mine is the furthest from the manor, so i was pretty tired as i turned up slate street. and i did not expect to see the channel 3 van parked in front of my house.'
dun dun DUN!
and also, SERIOUSLY? this chapter STILL isn't over?!
'what was it doing there? i ran the rest of the way home.
i pushed open the front door, but mr. henry blocked my entrance. "cut!" he called into the room. then to me, he said, "come in a moment, valerie."
"mallory," i corrected him. (was my name so difficult? or was he in the first stages of alzheimer's too?)'
brb, headdesking until i black out…
mr. henry apologizes and then tells her to go stand with her parents.
'mom and dad were near the fireplace. "why are they here?" i asked them.
"they want to redo a few things that didn't come out well," mom replied. "plus add some standard generic stuff they can splice in later."
"like this," dad added, gesturing toward the staircase.
jeannie was standing near the base of the stairs, looking up toward the second floor. "action!" mr. henry yelled.'
ah shit, what monkey business have the pike ape's cooked up for the viewers at home today?
'suddenly pow shot downstairs. the triplets followed, running a little stiffly, as if they were being tested for coordination. nicky was next, then margo. before vanessa and claire could descend, mr. henry yelled, "cut! very nice kids. but could you do it again, only yuk it up a bit? you know, whoopee! christmas is just around the corner!" he started dancing around foolishly.'
oh sweet mary mother of a ham sandwich…
'"like that?" nicky said, looking horrified.
"come on, birdbrain," adam said, pushing nicky upstairs.
"can i slide down?" margo asked.
"you've never done it!" byron said.
"i can!" margo insisted.
they all scrambled upstairs, margo holding pow. jordan then solemnly announced, "actors and dog ready on set."'
i wonder just how much more unbearably stilted and wooden this can get?
'"okay…action!" mr. henry shouted.
"whooooo!" the triplets hollered, barreling downstairs. they sounded more warlike than happy.
margo slid down the banister but became scared. she stopped in the middle, fell off, and started crying.
"cut!" mr. henry called.'
the chapter ends with mallory telling us that:
'mom and dad ran to help margo. i could see we were in for a long evening.'
yeah, the only reason they're even going to help her is because there are strangers with cameras. any other time, they wouldn't give a fuck. at the very most, they would get mallory to check on margo. fuck, the pike "parents" suck.
Chapter Eight
i have to confess, right now i'm preparing to snark with the coke-tacular 'brady bunch variety hour' on in the background and it's way more entertaining than this book is right now. i imagine if the BSC had it's own variety hour it would be a hell of a lot like this trainwreck--complete with perms from hell, since we know stacey already has one!
okay, onto the filming of a somehow much worse show…
tonight they are joined by nestor, a new cameraman. hopefully he's replacing that creep who's been putting the moves on claire.
oh, maybe not. apparently they need 'an expanded staff' because they're filming at washington mall. i wonder if any shots of mallory creaming herself to people getting their ears pierced will make it onto the show.
'why were we, the all-natural, old-fashioned, make-your-own-holiday pikes going to a mall? supplies, for one thing. we had run out of tape, staples, and glue. we had to buy gifts, too. let's face it, some of them we just could not make, such as books and socks and underwear.'
what, they're not going to attempt knitting underwear and socks? i'm shocked!
'but the main reason we were going was because of north pole village. that's where santa greets local kids every year.
who still believes in santa claus? well, just claire, and even she's suspicious. but you don't have to believe in santa to love north pole village.'
thanks for breaking the bad news to any young people reading this book who may still believe in santa themselves, jerks! i mean, i stopped believing in that stuff when i was like, seven or eight, but i didn't wreck it for any of my siblings. in fact, i purposely hid my original copy of this book from them so ann and lerangis wouldn't ruin it for them.
but back to north pole village…
'every year after thanksgiving, it appears inside lear's department store overnight, like magic. actually, it's set up by workers behind a high, makeshift wall, decorated to look like a humongous christmas present. when you step past wonderland gate, you follow a winding pathway through a snowy fantasy-land. christmas carols play over the speakers as you walk past hard-working puppet elves, clanking machinery, gingerbread houses, a reindeer stable, a post office stuffed with mail, and tinkling bells. over it all is a blue-black rooftop with glittering stars.
just thinking about it, i have goosebumps.'
i'm getting goosebumps myself, but mine from wondering just how much cocaine was involved in the making of this brady bunch wreck that's playing in the background as i write. it appears to have been a frightening amount of coke. maybe even close to the amount that was used by the various writers of these god forsaken books--if that's even possible!
the pikes are driving to the mall, split into their two station wagons, while the channel 3 crew follows in their van. vanessa is rhyming, as usual. there is madness in the station wagon, as usual.
boring. they arrive at washington mall. ZZZZZzzzzzz…
claire says something that didn't make it into the ebook, which annoys me. i hate it when shit is missing. it was something along the lines of santa being a celebrity, i guess. this is what we get:
'"clai-aire." margo giggled. "he's not."
"so?" claire replied. "he's still a celebrity!"
"wonderful!" mr. henry's voice made us all turn. he was trotting toward us, with nestor close behind. "i loved that. could you do it again for the camera?"
claire looked at margo. "do what?" margo asked.
"the part about santa being a celebrity," mr. henry said. "do you remember the words?"'
jesus H, man! the kids aren't actors, for one thing, and for another, expecting a small child to remember every single word she says? GOOD FUCKING LUCK, she probably has the attention span of a goldfish!
'nestor raised the camera and pointed it at claire. "go ahead, say, 'i call first dibs on santa!" he said.
"what's a dib?" claire asked.'
before nestor can answer or try to feed her more stupid dialogue, dee rolls up with the rest of the kids in the pike's second clown car:
the kids start pouring out, shouting all the while. claire gets distracted from the task at hand when adam yells, "first come, first served!" while running to the entrance of the mall. claire can't pass up a chance to wail "no fair!", so she doesn't, and promptly runs after him, which causes everyone else to start running to the entrance as well.
if i were in that parking lot and saw the pike family running like a bunch of whack jobs to the mall, i'd probably wonder what the fucking rush was. mr. henry, jeannie, nestor and todd-the-pedophile all start running after them. i hope those cameras are rolling, it'd be such a waste of perfectly useless footage if they weren't! and we all know how much of a hard on mr. henry has for filming this family doing excruciatingly pointless shit. a good running scene might add some excitement to this snooze-fest of a reality show.
'you can imagine what we looked like as we entered the mall. a thundering herd. stores emptied. cameras flashed. diners in the food court dropped their sandwiches and came running to see us.
okay, i'm exaggerating. but not by much,
people were staring. i could see little kids tugging their parents, whispering questions. nestor and jeannie were following our every move with their cameras.
i felt so self-conscious. even with my new haircut.'
poor mallory.
mr. henry asks where they're going first and world's worst father blanks the fuck out. after what i'm imagining was several minutes of stone cold derp face, he blurts out, '"well, i wanted to stop in bookcentre for a minute, and then i suppose we'll go to north pole village--"
"YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAA!" screamed by brothers and sisters.
their voices echoed. i was so embarrassed.'
i don't blame you, mallory.
at this point, if i were her, i'd probably slip away from the group and do shit on my own, without any cameras or obnoxious family members.
they get filmed while browsing through the bookcentre. mallory finds a book that she says is 'the coolest', she informs us that it's called 'christmas tree farm' and is written by sandra jordan. so now i've got to find out if this is a real book.
ah, it is! and it seems that copies are going from $50 to nearly $150 these days online. fucking seriously? that's obscenely expensive! i'm assuming it was a fuck of a lot cheaper when this book was written, because no way would mallory have that much money for one damned book.
mallory tells us it's 'about a real-life family who goes to a christmas tree farm and chops down its own tree to bring home.' yeah, sounds like it's worth 150 bucks to me. O_o
i could buy many many actual christmas trees with that kinda cash.
'this, of course, gave me another perfect idea for the pike family old-fashioned christmas. i begged mom and dad to let me buy the book. (they did. i guess with the cameras on them, they couldn't disagree.)'
hmmm…so maybe it was expensive back then, too. though, i doubt $150 kind of expensive. but then, mallory's "parents" would rather eat intestinal worms than spend a cent on their children, so it could've been a buck and they would've said "hell no" or made her buy it with her baby-sitting money--if the cameras hadn't been there. hey mallory! now's a good time for you to ask your folks for a permanent vacation from having to baby-sit/parent your siblings! they can't say no with the cameras on them!
the pike apes are being especially ape-like as they walk to lear's. claire and margo constantly turn to grin at the cameras. adam and byron are 'practicing ninja moves, shouting "hyahh!" at the top of their lungs.' and jordan is walking ahead of his family, 'his chest puffed out and his fists clenched, as if he were our great warrior leader.' you really can't take these kids anywhere, can you?
mr. henry is also a douchecanue, 'eyeing the crowd sternly. like those secret service agents who walk everywhere with the first family.'
mallory starts getting excited as soon as she sees the sign that says 'WELCOME TO LEAR'S, HOME OF NORTH POLE VILLAGE.' carols are playing and bells are jingling. another sign tells them that north pole village is on the second floor, so the triplets bolt for the escalator.
'"what floor is santa on?" mr. henry asked.
"the second," i replied.
"kids!" mr. henry shouted after the triplets. "can we do this together?"
too late. they were halfway up. "i'll get them," mom said. "the rest of you stay here."'
this is going to start going bad reeaaaally fast.
'mr. henry mumbled something to the camera people. jeannie and todd headed for the escalators themselves.
"we'll do an establishing shot on the escalator," mr. henry explained to dad. "i'll need all of you, crowded but enjoying yourselves. we'll cover it from three perspectives. nestor will shoot you from this floor. todd will catch you from the top. jeannie will ride the down escalator and tale* you in motion."
"right," dad said solemnly. "did you hear that, everybody?"
five blank faces.'
i'm guessing they're going to have to go up and down that escalator about fifty times. this is going to be seriously stupid. it's also making me think of that
scene in 'the brady bunch movie' where they're going down the escalator in sears. that shit always makes me laugh:
"put on your sunday best, kids. we're going to sears!" or, how the BSC acts every time they go out in public:
*that's what it says in the ebook. no clue what it's really supposed to be. "tail"? "tape"?
so how does the filming of this 'establishing shot' go? not well. not well at ALL:
'the first time we went up, margo and adam were arguing. mr. henry called "cut!" and made us go back and go it again.
the second time, a family of four squeezed onto the escalator in the midst of us.
on take three, nestor wasn't ready.
on take four, we looked as if were were at a funeral.
between our fifth and sixth times, i think, a little boy approached us with an autograph book* and pen. "who are you?"
"jordan pike and family," jordan answered proudly, reaching for the pen.
the boy's face fell. "never heard of you," he said, snapping his book shut and walking back to his mother.'
what kid carries an autograph book with them? it's not like the kid lives in say, hollywood, or something and expects to run into famous people at a moment's notice or something. and also, that kid is a bit of a dick.
they shoot the escalator scene seven times. so i was off by a LOT. but still, seven takes! the pikes are all frustrated as hell and claire is almost in tears. she probably thinks they're never going to get to see santa and she'll never get to tell him she's his number one fan. poor child.
'more shoppers were watching now. i couldn't help thinking about my dream, about the crowds, the fame, the autographs seekers.
the dream had felt fantastic. just then, though, i felt like an amoeba under a microscope.'
you just don't have the kardashian-fame/attention-whoring gene, mallory, and there's no shame in that at all!
hearing helper elves sing 'it came upon a midnight clear' perks mallory back up a bit. the line to see santa is so long it snakes out the entrance and down the hall, but mal is cool with this, assuring us that 'it would be worth the wait.'
mr. henry doesn't agree though. he marches them right up to the entrance of north pole village, massively cutting in line in the process. this won't end well.
'but mr. henry led us right to the entrance. there, a friendly-looking elf helper was greeting visitors and giving out north pole village souvenir pins.
"pardon me," mr. henry said to her. "i'd like to bring these people to see santa briefly--"'
this guy has balls the size of watermelons if he thinks this shit is going to fly with anybody. wow. this really is gonna be good! so i'll put it all down, so we can all enjoy the shitstorm!
you ready for this?
okay!
'a woman at the head of the line spoke up loudly. "i'm sorry, sir, but we've all be waiting a long time."
mr. henry smiled stiffly. "i'm sure you have." he looked back at the helper, who looked, well, helpless. "we'll only be a minute. i'm with channel 3 and--"
"i don't care who you're with, pal." boomed a man waiting in line with his family. "fair is fair."
"the end of the line is back here!" someone called from down the hallway.
a tall man in a dark blue suit jogged to mr. henry and said, "sir, i'm going to have to ask you to leave--"
mr. henry glared at him. "who are you?"
"i'm the assistant manager," the man answered.
"well, you talk to mr. bouchard, your boss," mr. henry insisted. "he issued me a permit, and he told me we had unlimited access."
"i understand, but access does not mean--"
dad cut in. "it's all right, mr. henry, we're happy to wait our turn."
"no, we're not!" claire declared, stamping her feet. "that line is too long!"
what a time for a tantrum.
claire was screaming. mr. henry was arguing with the assistant manager. the assistant manager pulled out a cellular phone and called someone. the triplets started bothering dad. the people in line looked furious.
by the time the manager, mr. bouchard, ran to us, it seemed as if the whole store was watching us.
while mr. henry and mr. bouchard talked, dad and mom snuck us all back to the end of the line.
before long, mr. henry joined us. "sorry, folks," he said. "they're making it a little hard. we will have to wait in line. and because of the length, we won't be allowed to do any retakes. if you'd rather, we could shoot you all shopping first, then come back to north pole village later on."'
haha! you SUCK, mr. henry! if you were a member of the baby-sitters club, you totally would've gotten to jump the line! i bet the only reason they didn't just wave mallory on in like a celebrity at an exclusive night club was because they didn't want to deal with her rowdy ape family.
the kids get even more out of control figuring out what to do. nicky wants to stay and wait to see santa but the others are all for spending that ten grand like it's going out of style. vanessa wants a VCR that can tape off of VHS tapes for some reason. maybe she wants to make bootleg copies of their videos and sell them on the playground. pirating video tapes is a crime, vanessa! LOL.
byron wants a computer, jordan wants a dirt bike, margo wants a CD player and claire wants to buy...north pole village?
mallory hates her life for real right about now and the chapter ends thusly:
'i felt like shrinking into a hole. if the manager were still there, i'm sure he would have kicked us out. lucky for us, he was gone.
unfortunately, though, so was my christmas spirit.'
awwww. i feel ya, girl. i feel ya. christmas sucks all the balls for me this year, too.
Chapter Nine
notebook entry courtesy of kristen amanda, who is high on her own ego right now:
'friday
you guys are going to hate me for saying this, i just know it. but honestly, what would you do without me? did you really think we could wait till opening day to set everything up?
now we're ready. monday will be fantastic. piece of cake. one thing, though. mallory, i'm sorry about your friends. let's see if we can invite them to the BSC meeting. seriously.
just think about it. that's all.'
which friends of mal's is kristy talking about? why, her "friends" at channel 3, of course!
it was the day after that ill-fated trip to north pole village and the channel 3 crew scheduled yet another shoot that evening. mallory confides that she wasn't in the mood for that shit at all, so she was glad when kristy asked all the BSC members to go to stoneybrook manor after the club meeting. i'm tempted to skim the fuck out of this chapter because this stoneybrook manor shit depresses the hell outta me.
mallory says she 'blew it.' she stopped by her house on the way to stoneybrook manor to drop off her book bag and…'guess who was pulling up to the curb in front of my house?' could it be…your "friends"? yep. it's channel 3, those crafty motherfuckers.
'"hi, mallory!" mr. henry called out. "i thought we wouldn't be seeing you this evening."
"you're right," i replied. "i have to go to stoneybrook manor."
"the old age home?" mr. henry asked. "why?"'
uh oh…
mallory explains to him about the christmas boutique and her uncle joe. mr. henry, of course, decides to run with this.
'"perfect," mr. henry said. "what a christmas-spirited thing to do. not that i should be surprised, coming from a member of the pike family. we'll be happy to drive you there."
"that's okay, it's walking distance," i said, turning up the walkway.
"nonsense, it's no problem at all."'
SHIT.
mr. henry follows her into the house and goes to talk with her parents while she drops off her books. once again, due to stoneybrook's magic acoustics, mallory can hear the entire conversation between her parents and mr. henry, all the way from her bedroom:
'"i'm sure you can all use a little rest from us," i could hear him saying.
"don't be silly," my mom replied.
"boy, will mal's friends be thrilled," dad said.
"thrilled with what?" i asked, running downstairs.
all my siblings were in the kitchen, looking kind of glum.
"with being videotaped," mom answered. "especially kristy."
"you're going to tape us at the manor?" i asked mr. henry.
"why not?" mr. henry said.'
mallory excuses herself to go fix her hair. she takes a deep breath to steady her nerves.
when the channel 3 van pulls up to the manor and her friends see her and the film crew, their jaws drop. or, well, whatever it is your mouth does when it "gapes."
'kristy walked over to mr. henry and introduced herself. as he and the crew unpacked, she explained about the BSC and the christmas boutique.
i'm surprised she didn't ask him to attend a meeting.'
well, she kind of does, but later on, in that notebook entry where she tells you that you guys have to invite your channel 3 "friends" to a meeting. how soon you forget.
when they get to the manor mrs. slavedriver greets them, then looks at mr. henry 'quizzically', asking, "may i help you?"
mr. henry explains who they are and tells her they plan to film at the manor. instead of telling him "hell NO! we have elderly residents who could get upset and agitated by this." she says, "well, i suppose it's all right. we could use a little free publicity. as long as you don't disturb any of the residents."
you're a fucking bonehead, mrs. kronauer.
mr. henry lies through his teeth and tells her not to worry, "we're a small crew. you won't notice us." uh huh, suuuure.
at that, mrs. kronauer walks the fuck out. like, him saying that was somehow good enough for her. she didn't sign any releases, or go discuss it with the residents, nothing. she just wanders off into the rec room, leaving the camera crew to just do whatever and film whatever they want. jesus fucking christ, woman!
well, the action appears to be in the rec room, anyway, so the girls go in to help set up. of course the camera crew follows, they're hoping to get a money shot at the old folk's home.
'kristy, claudia, stacey, the crew, and i went to the kid's alcove. there, abby and mary anne were putting price tags on the handmade dolls mary anne had brought. jessi was hard at work, cleaning a donated high chair. "in this area, we are collecting items of particular interest to parents and children, kristy said to jeannie's camera in this formal, grown-up voice. "these are the members of the baby-sitters club, which meets continently* on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays from five-thirty to six."
claudia started cracking up.
"cut," mr. henry said.'
*okay, LOL, i have to admit, i had never heard or read that word before in my life and wasn't sure if it actually belonged in the book or was a typo. so i dragged out my copy of webster's new world dictionary and this is the closest thing i could find: 'continent adj. characterized by self-restraint, esp. in sexual activity -- n. any of the main large land areas of the earth.'
so, i'm guessing either lerangis is fucking with us, or it was a typo and was supposed to said 'conveniently." it still makes me fucking laugh though. what can i say, it's been a rough couple of weeks, i'll take my laughs where i can get them.
kristy asks claudia what was so funny and claudia says, "you are so corny, you sound like a commercial." kristy starts asking what's wrong with that but trails off as she notices jeannie and todd taking off on her to make their rounds through the room, filming elderly residents who haven't given them permission or signed any releases, just as the other members of the BSC haven't--or their parents--but that's a whole 'nother barrel of monkeys. i'm sure these girls would think that kristy's "OK" was good enough. because they're dumb and think she has as much, no, MORE, authority over their lives than their parents do. kristy is their legal guardian, apparently.
when jeannie and todd come back mary anne does exactly what i would do, and ducks out of sight. i have successfully managed to avoid being recorded onto video since the age of about six. the most that has been seen of me since, even in home videos my little sisters made as teenagers, is my hair as i literally duck out of view, while covering my face with my hand. ha! SUCKERS.
meanwhile, 'jessi busily tried to pull her hair into a tight bun, abby was goofing around, trying on a baby's winter hat.' mr. henry tells them to "just be natural, pretend we're not here."
uh huh.
i tried. i decided to help abby. unfortunately, she is the world's biggest ham. before long, she had put a bib around her neck, a circular rattle around her left ear, and a pair of rubber freddy krueger gloves on her hands.
when she balanced a booster seat on her head, i ducked out of camera range.'
girrrrrl, go hide with mary anne! cripplingly shy people tend to be pretty good at sniffing out the best hiding spots! but nope, she doesn't listen to me. she goes and helps claudia hang a wreath instead. maybe mary anne hid so well that mallory couldn't find her. yeah, that's it.
just then mr. rubin announces that the food has arrived. i feel like i'm supposed to know who mr. rubin is. ah…the resident pianist. okay. i had to scroll up and check. anyway, the film crew decides to zero in on piano man as he serves food.
'"i'm mr. rubin," he said. "you know, i had a very good singing voice. in the service, i was in a training film…"'
aww, mr. rubin is kind of sweet. i'm sorry mr. rubin, this won't be a musical. or a variety hour. you want the brady bunch for that…
i'l just...leave that there...
while the girls are digging into the food, the residents FINALLY realize that they are being filmed and start getting, well, "in a tizzy" (HA!) over it. and it's actually very telling:
'the residents were buzzing excitedly around the camera.
"is it the press?" one of them asked.
"are they doing an expose?" asked another.
"about time," remarked a third.'
what in the world goes on in the manor when the visitors have gone home? i guess this is one of those old folks homes from hell where all sorts of horrible neglect and abuse happens. my great uncle was in a shitty old folks home before he died. when my father and the rest of his family went to collect his belongings after he passed away, they found that the nurses stole his stuff-- right down to the family photos he had always carried in his wallet. i don't know what else went down in that place, but apparently it was pretty awful.
anyway, back to this trainwreck:
'"no one told us," an elderly woman complained, giggling embarrassedly.
"she didn't put her teeth in," another woman explained to me with a mischievous grin.
half the residents seemed annoyed, the other half curious.'
i really hope poor uncle joe doesn't venture out of the safety of his room right now.
jeannie wanders around the room filming all the residents and BSC members preparing for the boutique, while todd films mr. rubin singing, as mallory so kindly puts it, 'way out of tune.'
'"cut! thank you, sir," mr. henry said, abruptly pulling todd along to another resident. "now, tell me, ma'am, what do you think of the young people here, helping you out?"
"who?" the woman asked.'
HAHAHA! okay, whoever this old lady is, i officially LOVE her.
kristy is disturbed that all the attention isn't focused on the glory that is herself, so she starts shrieking, '"folks, let's use this back table for food, this way shoppers will have to pass all the other items on their way. trust me, it'll help sales." jeannie thinks this is important shit to film for the show, so she asks kristy if she can repeat what she just said, and to speak clearly. big fucking mistake. kristy screams, "FOLKS!"
and then, just as i feared, uncle joe appears.
'just then, i noticed uncle joe standing in the doorway, leaning against his cane.
"hi, uncle joe!" i said.
"i heard you kids were coming," he said. "what's all this racket?"'
mallory explains to him about the contest and the reality tv special, finishing up with, "they're interested in everything the pike family does, they've been to our house many times. we're going to be stars!"
unfortunately, mr. henry sees her talking to joe and calls out, "ah, is this the lucky grandfather?" parting the sea of old people with the help of jeannie, camera at the ready and most likely rolling.
'"great-uncle," i corrected him.
uncle joe turned away. "i…i, uh, have to go back now."'
oh god. poor joe.
'"heck of a job your grand-niece is doing!" mr. henry nudged jeannie and said, "catch him in the hallway."'
FUCK THAT. if i were mallory i'd put a stop to that shit immediately. can't they see the guy is overwhelmed? this shit isn't fucking cool. i know, i know, they're the media, they don't give a fuck. other people's emotional upsets are like crack to them. fucking monsters.
oh good. mallory does stand up for him! thank fucking goodness. though she kind of does a half-assed job, 'poor uncle joe. he looked so frightened and bewildered. "he really needs to rest," i insisted. "you'll see him at our house on christmas."
that's enough to appease mr henry for the time being so he calls "okay, cut!" and tells joe it was nice to meet him. then he and jeannie head back into the rec room while mallory takes joe by the arm and walks him back to his room where he can have some peace and quiet.
but he's still upset.
'i tried to chat with him, but he remained silent until he was lying on his bed. then he said, "sweetheart, i--i haven't been feeling very well, and you know, with the payroll taxes due…i don't think i'll be able to make the party."
payroll taxes? i knew what was happening. uncle joe used to be an accountant, and alzheimer's patients sometimes imagine themselves in the past.
"but uncle joe," i said, "i--"
"too many people," he muttered. he picked up the remote and turned on the tv.'
fuck. i'm teary eyed all over again.
mallory says goodbye to joe and 'slump[s]' out of his room, feeling awful.
'i shouldn't have mentioned that the channel 3 crew was going to be at our family party. that was the real reason he didn't want to come.
but if i hadn't told him, then what? he would have shown up and been devastated to see them.'
she's turning the corner to the rec room, still deep in thought about uncle joe, when mrs. slavedriver comes and gives her shit: "dear, i thought we agreed that the cameras would not be disruptive, those people are shifting furniture around, making my custodians find extra lights, bothering the residents. three of them want to drop out of the boutique. we open on monday, and i can't have this happening!"
bitch, you are a grown ass woman and mallory wasn't even there for that shit. as a grown ass woman and the person who gave the film crew permission to film at the manor in the first place, you should open your fucking mouth and talk to mr. henry and the camera crew, air out these grievances with them, since they are the ones causing trouble, NOT mallory. don't go whining to the eleven year old for god's sake! accept some personal fucking responsibility, you twat.
mallory stammers that she's sorry. but mrs. slavedriver won't drop it, because she's a cunt: '"don't get me wrong," mrs. kronauer went on. "i appreciate you and your friend's help, but i have asked the crew to leave, and i must now ask you not to bring them around again."
"okay," i squeaked.'
mrs. kronauer is a fucking bitch.
the chapter ends with mallory tellings us that:
'as mrs. kronauer walked away, i slunk back to the rec room. i felt about two feet tall.'
awww…
okay, let's all cheer up a little after that shit!
HIT IT, BRENDA LEE!
see you guys after the holidays!
as always thanks for all of the comments to part one and two, and i hope you all enjoy the madness that follows and that your holidays are awesome and filled with good food, good company and plenty of good cheer. ;)
now onto the show!
Chapter Seven
merry christmas from the baby-sitters club, y'all!
Click to viewit's tuesday afternoon and mallory, jessi, kristy and mary anne are off to harass the old folks at stoneybrook manor. mallory tells us that she's 'back on earth, more or less' and that the shoot had gone pretty well, though there were major fuck ups, oh sorry, 'a few goof-ups'--same thing. what constitutes as a 'goof-up'?
1-margo flinging cookie dough onto one of the cameras. that sounds more like a fuck up to me.
2-todd the pedo-cameraman spilling coffee on the dining room carpet--MAJOR FUCK UP. i hope he's paying for the carpet cleaning!
3-pow somehow managing to get into the raw cookie dough and eating it, then promptly getting sick as a, er, well, dog. also a fuck up.
mallory says they still had a great time and somehow managed to make the thirty dozen cookies. jesus fucking christ. and i honestly fucking doubt that. all those cookies need to cook and they could probably only fit four baking sheets in the oven at once, TOPS. so, i fucking doubt they got it all done. don't lie to me, mallory! she claims she and her deadbeat dad made the last few batches once everyone else lost interest. when'd ya do that? at 5am? like…just…fuck off with your lies.
the crew is set to come back on wednesday to film more boring bullshit at the pike's monkey house. joy of joys. will this golden age of television never end? such quality programming! surely, a show such a this is a gift from the tv gods!
'at school, everyone wanted to know how the shoot has gone--friends, teachers, even kids i'd never met. i had to answer the same questions over and over. but you know what? i didn't mind at all.
fame was okay.'
well, yeah, you probably feel popular for the first time in your life--it's a major ego boost. and god knows you need one. too bad after this everything will go back to normal. well, until they eventually get a hell of a lot worse.
so she's in a 'pretty terrific mood' as they walk to stoneybrook manor. it's a warm day for december, we're told. ah, your holidays are being fucked over by el nino too? sucks man. super fucking sucks. it's the 19th as i'm writing this chapter up and we only just got some snow last night. it's managed to stick, too. i doubt it will last, though. [ed. note: it was washed away by the rain the next day and we haven't had snow since.]
a few of the manor's elderly residents are out taking walks on the grounds with nurses and they wave to the girls. i actually live across the street from an old folks home that is probably a lot like stoneybrook manor, except with added depression, since there are ambulances parked out front pretty much every damned day. sometimes multiple times a day. living across from a place like that for seven years has made my husband and i reach an agreement: neither one of us will ever put the other in a home.
'stoneybrook manor is a long, modern building with lots of windows. as we stepped through the revolving door, we entered a small corded* lobby. diagonally from the door to the main hallway, a threadbare streak had been worn into the floor by shoes and canes and wheelchairs. visiting hours were ending, and as families filed out, nurses bustled around them.
i realized how rundown and small the place was. no wonder they needed to raise some money.'
*i don't know if that's a fuck up in the ebook or if it actually says in the book that the library is "corded."
well, sounds pretty close to what i've seen of the place across the street. except "our" old folk's home is BIG. and it also has a second building a block up the street, where they put the elderly residents who need more specialized care/a closed facility. oh, and both places charge residents/their families a fucking MINT just to live there. the price to live there starts at $5,000 a MONTH and goes up depending on the level of care you need or any other special treatment, etc. there is at least one resident who we see picking up other people's discarded cigarette butts in the parking lot in front of the 7/11 to smoke because he doesn't have enough money to buy cigarettes. it's disturbing, to be honest. and really fucking sad.
'a trim white-haired woman with sharp blue eyes was standing in the open door of a large room off the hallway. when she spotted us, she smiled brightly. she was dressed in a tartan flannel skirt and simple white blouse. her shoulders were slightly stooped, but she walked toward us with a lively bounce. "pardon me, is one of you jessica ramsey?"
"that's me," jessi said, offering her hand. "and you're mrs. kronauer?"
"that's me!" mrs. kronauer replied.'
isn't she technically old enough to be a resident? i wonder if the residents resent her for having her freedom and not being stuck in a fucking home?
she thanks them for "agreeing to help"--more like for agreeing to be total fucking slaves for her and do ALL the fucking work. after jessi introduces the others mrs. kronauer asks mallory if she's joseph pike's granddaughter. mallory tells her she's his grand-niece.
'"well, i'm sure he'd love to see you after we're finished."
"really? but visiting hours--"
"not to worry. we're a group home, not an army base."'
well, at least this time it'll just be mallory visiting him. unless that invasive bitch kristy insists on crashing the party.
they are told boutique will be in the rec room and then she drags their pre-teen asses through the manor to show them the room where they will be baby-sitting. god, this chapter is horribly dull. i'm furiously multi-tasking/massively procrastinating as i write it so i can ease the crushing weight of boredom.
they will be baby-sitting in one of the lounges, which has a television. kristy will probably chuck that devil-box out the window before the kids arrive, mrs. kronauer, you might want to hide it or something.
the girls survey the room, deeming it, "great" (mallory), "comfortable" (mary anne) and noting that it contains "no sharp objects" (jessi). kristy decides to show off like a motherfucker and says she'll bring along some plastic plugs for the electric outlets. i'm imagining her as that weird ass puppet from "calling all safety scouts." someone needs to smack her upside the head.
for those who don't get the reference or crave nostalgia...calling all safety scouts:
mrs. kronauer eats this shit up, of course: '"you are top-notch baby-sitters, i can tell. i'll be happy to supply some toys, books, and games. we have them on hand for visiting grandchildren…and great-grandchildren!"'
mary anne demands, i mean, screws up the courage to shyly stammer out a request for a table and chairs, "for art projects." mrs. slavedriver says she'll ask the custodian, then adds that she'll be needing them to baby-sit for four hours, from five o'clock until nine. the manor will provide food for them and the children--yeah bitches! liver and onions, mashed to a fine puree, all the better to slide down the ol' gullet! sounds fantastic!--i guess they feel they have to supply a meal, ya know, since they won't be paying them and all.
the walk back to the lobby when they are startled by the loud "smmmack!" of a folding table that had collapsed onto the floor, an elderly resident/volunteer bending over it. mrs. kronauer puts on a show of pretending to care about the old man and asks him if he's all right. the old man, mr. mead, is fine so kristy runs over to help him with the table. mallory, mary anne and jessi get the hint and rush over to help adjust the chair legs. then kristy fucks off to help set up another table. because they get off on being used, i guess?
'"dear, you don't need to do that," mrs. kronauer said.
"i don't mind," kristy called over her shoulder.
mary anne and jessi were now wandering over to a table by the corner, where several residents were preparing decorations and a big banner.
one of the women in the group pulled up two chairs. as she gestured for my friends to sit, mary anne turned to mrs. kronauer. "do you mind if we help?"
"mind?" mrs. kronauer smiled. "goodness, you girls are already part of the family."'
this "family" sounds like mallory's and it's not a "family" i want in on. non-stop slavery, man. tis the season to get worked to the bone, y'all!
mallory knows better, she knows bullshit when she smells it. instead of agreeing to get fucked in the ass by mrs. slavedriver, she says, "speaking of family, is it okay if i see my uncle joe now?" mrs. kronauer says she can and offers to take mallory to his room. i bet mrs. k is kicking herself right now for mentioning it, she could've had a fourth pre-teen slave right about now!
when mallory reaches uncle joe's room the tv is cranked to 11:
'"THAT'S RIGHT! NINE OUT OF TEN DOCTORS SURVEYED RECOMMEND SKIN-SILK CLEANSING CREAM FOR EFFECTIVE ACNE REMOVAL! JUST CALL ONE-EIGHT-HUNDRED-ZIT-GONE FOR YOUR FREE SAMPLE!"
i could hear uncle joe's tv blaring halfway down the hall. when i looked inside the room, uncle joe was sitting in bed, smiling and looking out the window, while the pimple commercial gave way to a heavy metal video.'
wow, first pimple cream and now heavy metal! you wouldn't see either in a non-lerangis BSC book, let alone both on the same page!
'somehow i kept a straight face. that was not what i expected him to be watching.'
mrs. kronauer practically has to yell to be heard over the tv. she keeps repeating that it's his grand-niece, mallory.
'uncle joe looked at me. for a moment, my stomach knotted. did he recognize me? i couldn't tell. alzheimer's can rob a person's memory so fast.
he didn't say anything to me, but he glared back at mrs. kronauer. "what?" he yelled back. the guitar solo seemed to ricochet around the room.
"this is your grand-niece, mallory!" mrs. kronauer tried again.
"well, of course it is!" uncle joe snapped. "i'm not blind!"'
haha, you tell that old bitch, joe!
as soon as mrs. kronauer was out of sight, uncle joe gave mallory a wink and a smile. awww. she cracks up and he says, '"turn down the tv, will you, laurie?"
at least that was what i thought he said. but it was hard to tell with the noise. i turned the volume almost to off. "i didn't know you liked music videos," i said.
"i don't pay attention to it," uncle joe said, waving dismissively at the tv. "it drives connor out of the room, though, so it can't be all bad."
mr. conner is the name of uncle joe's roommate. (why does the word long-suffering pop into my brain when i think of him?)'
wow mal, you're talking smack about joe too? you gotta stop listening to your damned father bitching about his uncle. just because your dad is an asshole and a sociopath who can't feel empathy or sympathy for others, doesn't mean you have to start taking after him.
'"what brings you to this place?" uncle joe continued. "little old me?"
"well, um, my friends and i are going to help out with the christmas boutique." boy, did i feel guilty saying that. i mean, it was the truth, but it made me sounds as if i hadn't wanted to see him.'
well, ya could've lied, mallory. it'd only be a white lie and you would be telling it to make him feel loved. there's no fucking harm in it. or, ya know, you could always visit him more regularly. without the apes you call your family, or your so-called "friends." spend some fucking time with him. seriously, you can walk to stoneybrook manor, yet your family has all but abandoned joe there. jesus.
'uncle joe nodded. "connor's working on that." he looked as if he wanted to say more, but his eyes wandered over to the tv.
"are you?" i asked. "i mean, working on it?"
"no, no," he said softly. "could you please get me my drink, laurie?"
that time the mistake was clear. i was too embarrassed to say anything. i reached for a half-finished cup of juice on his dresser and gave it to him.'
now that's really fucking sad.
where's my damned chocolate? i need a fix right about now…
'uncle joe's hands shook as he took it from me. as he sipped, a thin trail of juice dribbled down his cheek. i grabbed a tissue and gently wiped it off. uncle joe was such a confusing guy. on one hand, he could be so gruff and cranky. but on the other hand, he seemed so frail and alone.
we didn't talk much longer. but when we said good-bye, he called me mallory, not laurie. and he did remember about our christmas invitation. that made me feel a little better.'
i'm not gonna lie, you guys, this shit is making me teary eyed. i hope this chapter is almost over.
mallory meets the others in the rec room. everything is hunky dory and one of the residents, a man named mr. rubin, is playing piano in the corner. the girls say bye to mrs. slavedriver and then they walk home. oh, minus kristy, who has disappeared.
'of the three of our houses, mine is the furthest from the manor, so i was pretty tired as i turned up slate street. and i did not expect to see the channel 3 van parked in front of my house.'
dun dun DUN!
and also, SERIOUSLY? this chapter STILL isn't over?!
'what was it doing there? i ran the rest of the way home.
i pushed open the front door, but mr. henry blocked my entrance. "cut!" he called into the room. then to me, he said, "come in a moment, valerie."
"mallory," i corrected him. (was my name so difficult? or was he in the first stages of alzheimer's too?)'
brb, headdesking until i black out…
mr. henry apologizes and then tells her to go stand with her parents.
'mom and dad were near the fireplace. "why are they here?" i asked them.
"they want to redo a few things that didn't come out well," mom replied. "plus add some standard generic stuff they can splice in later."
"like this," dad added, gesturing toward the staircase.
jeannie was standing near the base of the stairs, looking up toward the second floor. "action!" mr. henry yelled.'
ah shit, what monkey business have the pike ape's cooked up for the viewers at home today?
'suddenly pow shot downstairs. the triplets followed, running a little stiffly, as if they were being tested for coordination. nicky was next, then margo. before vanessa and claire could descend, mr. henry yelled, "cut! very nice kids. but could you do it again, only yuk it up a bit? you know, whoopee! christmas is just around the corner!" he started dancing around foolishly.'
oh sweet mary mother of a ham sandwich…
'"like that?" nicky said, looking horrified.
"come on, birdbrain," adam said, pushing nicky upstairs.
"can i slide down?" margo asked.
"you've never done it!" byron said.
"i can!" margo insisted.
they all scrambled upstairs, margo holding pow. jordan then solemnly announced, "actors and dog ready on set."'
i wonder just how much more unbearably stilted and wooden this can get?
'"okay…action!" mr. henry shouted.
"whooooo!" the triplets hollered, barreling downstairs. they sounded more warlike than happy.
margo slid down the banister but became scared. she stopped in the middle, fell off, and started crying.
"cut!" mr. henry called.'
the chapter ends with mallory telling us that:
'mom and dad ran to help margo. i could see we were in for a long evening.'
yeah, the only reason they're even going to help her is because there are strangers with cameras. any other time, they wouldn't give a fuck. at the very most, they would get mallory to check on margo. fuck, the pike "parents" suck.
Chapter Eight
i have to confess, right now i'm preparing to snark with the coke-tacular 'brady bunch variety hour' on in the background and it's way more entertaining than this book is right now. i imagine if the BSC had it's own variety hour it would be a hell of a lot like this trainwreck--complete with perms from hell, since we know stacey already has one!
okay, onto the filming of a somehow much worse show…
tonight they are joined by nestor, a new cameraman. hopefully he's replacing that creep who's been putting the moves on claire.
oh, maybe not. apparently they need 'an expanded staff' because they're filming at washington mall. i wonder if any shots of mallory creaming herself to people getting their ears pierced will make it onto the show.
'why were we, the all-natural, old-fashioned, make-your-own-holiday pikes going to a mall? supplies, for one thing. we had run out of tape, staples, and glue. we had to buy gifts, too. let's face it, some of them we just could not make, such as books and socks and underwear.'
what, they're not going to attempt knitting underwear and socks? i'm shocked!
'but the main reason we were going was because of north pole village. that's where santa greets local kids every year.
who still believes in santa claus? well, just claire, and even she's suspicious. but you don't have to believe in santa to love north pole village.'
thanks for breaking the bad news to any young people reading this book who may still believe in santa themselves, jerks! i mean, i stopped believing in that stuff when i was like, seven or eight, but i didn't wreck it for any of my siblings. in fact, i purposely hid my original copy of this book from them so ann and lerangis wouldn't ruin it for them.
but back to north pole village…
'every year after thanksgiving, it appears inside lear's department store overnight, like magic. actually, it's set up by workers behind a high, makeshift wall, decorated to look like a humongous christmas present. when you step past wonderland gate, you follow a winding pathway through a snowy fantasy-land. christmas carols play over the speakers as you walk past hard-working puppet elves, clanking machinery, gingerbread houses, a reindeer stable, a post office stuffed with mail, and tinkling bells. over it all is a blue-black rooftop with glittering stars.
just thinking about it, i have goosebumps.'
i'm getting goosebumps myself, but mine from wondering just how much cocaine was involved in the making of this brady bunch wreck that's playing in the background as i write. it appears to have been a frightening amount of coke. maybe even close to the amount that was used by the various writers of these god forsaken books--if that's even possible!
the pikes are driving to the mall, split into their two station wagons, while the channel 3 crew follows in their van. vanessa is rhyming, as usual. there is madness in the station wagon, as usual.
boring. they arrive at washington mall. ZZZZZzzzzzz…
claire says something that didn't make it into the ebook, which annoys me. i hate it when shit is missing. it was something along the lines of santa being a celebrity, i guess. this is what we get:
'"clai-aire." margo giggled. "he's not."
"so?" claire replied. "he's still a celebrity!"
"wonderful!" mr. henry's voice made us all turn. he was trotting toward us, with nestor close behind. "i loved that. could you do it again for the camera?"
claire looked at margo. "do what?" margo asked.
"the part about santa being a celebrity," mr. henry said. "do you remember the words?"'
jesus H, man! the kids aren't actors, for one thing, and for another, expecting a small child to remember every single word she says? GOOD FUCKING LUCK, she probably has the attention span of a goldfish!
'nestor raised the camera and pointed it at claire. "go ahead, say, 'i call first dibs on santa!" he said.
"what's a dib?" claire asked.'
before nestor can answer or try to feed her more stupid dialogue, dee rolls up with the rest of the kids in the pike's second clown car:
the kids start pouring out, shouting all the while. claire gets distracted from the task at hand when adam yells, "first come, first served!" while running to the entrance of the mall. claire can't pass up a chance to wail "no fair!", so she doesn't, and promptly runs after him, which causes everyone else to start running to the entrance as well.
if i were in that parking lot and saw the pike family running like a bunch of whack jobs to the mall, i'd probably wonder what the fucking rush was. mr. henry, jeannie, nestor and todd-the-pedophile all start running after them. i hope those cameras are rolling, it'd be such a waste of perfectly useless footage if they weren't! and we all know how much of a hard on mr. henry has for filming this family doing excruciatingly pointless shit. a good running scene might add some excitement to this snooze-fest of a reality show.
'you can imagine what we looked like as we entered the mall. a thundering herd. stores emptied. cameras flashed. diners in the food court dropped their sandwiches and came running to see us.
okay, i'm exaggerating. but not by much,
people were staring. i could see little kids tugging their parents, whispering questions. nestor and jeannie were following our every move with their cameras.
i felt so self-conscious. even with my new haircut.'
poor mallory.
mr. henry asks where they're going first and world's worst father blanks the fuck out. after what i'm imagining was several minutes of stone cold derp face, he blurts out, '"well, i wanted to stop in bookcentre for a minute, and then i suppose we'll go to north pole village--"
"YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAA!" screamed by brothers and sisters.
their voices echoed. i was so embarrassed.'
i don't blame you, mallory.
at this point, if i were her, i'd probably slip away from the group and do shit on my own, without any cameras or obnoxious family members.
they get filmed while browsing through the bookcentre. mallory finds a book that she says is 'the coolest', she informs us that it's called 'christmas tree farm' and is written by sandra jordan. so now i've got to find out if this is a real book.
ah, it is! and it seems that copies are going from $50 to nearly $150 these days online. fucking seriously? that's obscenely expensive! i'm assuming it was a fuck of a lot cheaper when this book was written, because no way would mallory have that much money for one damned book.
mallory tells us it's 'about a real-life family who goes to a christmas tree farm and chops down its own tree to bring home.' yeah, sounds like it's worth 150 bucks to me. O_o
i could buy many many actual christmas trees with that kinda cash.
'this, of course, gave me another perfect idea for the pike family old-fashioned christmas. i begged mom and dad to let me buy the book. (they did. i guess with the cameras on them, they couldn't disagree.)'
hmmm…so maybe it was expensive back then, too. though, i doubt $150 kind of expensive. but then, mallory's "parents" would rather eat intestinal worms than spend a cent on their children, so it could've been a buck and they would've said "hell no" or made her buy it with her baby-sitting money--if the cameras hadn't been there. hey mallory! now's a good time for you to ask your folks for a permanent vacation from having to baby-sit/parent your siblings! they can't say no with the cameras on them!
the pike apes are being especially ape-like as they walk to lear's. claire and margo constantly turn to grin at the cameras. adam and byron are 'practicing ninja moves, shouting "hyahh!" at the top of their lungs.' and jordan is walking ahead of his family, 'his chest puffed out and his fists clenched, as if he were our great warrior leader.' you really can't take these kids anywhere, can you?
mr. henry is also a douchecanue, 'eyeing the crowd sternly. like those secret service agents who walk everywhere with the first family.'
mallory starts getting excited as soon as she sees the sign that says 'WELCOME TO LEAR'S, HOME OF NORTH POLE VILLAGE.' carols are playing and bells are jingling. another sign tells them that north pole village is on the second floor, so the triplets bolt for the escalator.
'"what floor is santa on?" mr. henry asked.
"the second," i replied.
"kids!" mr. henry shouted after the triplets. "can we do this together?"
too late. they were halfway up. "i'll get them," mom said. "the rest of you stay here."'
this is going to start going bad reeaaaally fast.
'mr. henry mumbled something to the camera people. jeannie and todd headed for the escalators themselves.
"we'll do an establishing shot on the escalator," mr. henry explained to dad. "i'll need all of you, crowded but enjoying yourselves. we'll cover it from three perspectives. nestor will shoot you from this floor. todd will catch you from the top. jeannie will ride the down escalator and tale* you in motion."
"right," dad said solemnly. "did you hear that, everybody?"
five blank faces.'
i'm guessing they're going to have to go up and down that escalator about fifty times. this is going to be seriously stupid. it's also making me think of that
scene in 'the brady bunch movie' where they're going down the escalator in sears. that shit always makes me laugh:
"put on your sunday best, kids. we're going to sears!" or, how the BSC acts every time they go out in public:
*that's what it says in the ebook. no clue what it's really supposed to be. "tail"? "tape"?
so how does the filming of this 'establishing shot' go? not well. not well at ALL:
'the first time we went up, margo and adam were arguing. mr. henry called "cut!" and made us go back and go it again.
the second time, a family of four squeezed onto the escalator in the midst of us.
on take three, nestor wasn't ready.
on take four, we looked as if were were at a funeral.
between our fifth and sixth times, i think, a little boy approached us with an autograph book* and pen. "who are you?"
"jordan pike and family," jordan answered proudly, reaching for the pen.
the boy's face fell. "never heard of you," he said, snapping his book shut and walking back to his mother.'
what kid carries an autograph book with them? it's not like the kid lives in say, hollywood, or something and expects to run into famous people at a moment's notice or something. and also, that kid is a bit of a dick.
they shoot the escalator scene seven times. so i was off by a LOT. but still, seven takes! the pikes are all frustrated as hell and claire is almost in tears. she probably thinks they're never going to get to see santa and she'll never get to tell him she's his number one fan. poor child.
'more shoppers were watching now. i couldn't help thinking about my dream, about the crowds, the fame, the autographs seekers.
the dream had felt fantastic. just then, though, i felt like an amoeba under a microscope.'
you just don't have the kardashian-fame/attention-whoring gene, mallory, and there's no shame in that at all!
hearing helper elves sing 'it came upon a midnight clear' perks mallory back up a bit. the line to see santa is so long it snakes out the entrance and down the hall, but mal is cool with this, assuring us that 'it would be worth the wait.'
mr. henry doesn't agree though. he marches them right up to the entrance of north pole village, massively cutting in line in the process. this won't end well.
'but mr. henry led us right to the entrance. there, a friendly-looking elf helper was greeting visitors and giving out north pole village souvenir pins.
"pardon me," mr. henry said to her. "i'd like to bring these people to see santa briefly--"'
this guy has balls the size of watermelons if he thinks this shit is going to fly with anybody. wow. this really is gonna be good! so i'll put it all down, so we can all enjoy the shitstorm!
you ready for this?
okay!
'a woman at the head of the line spoke up loudly. "i'm sorry, sir, but we've all be waiting a long time."
mr. henry smiled stiffly. "i'm sure you have." he looked back at the helper, who looked, well, helpless. "we'll only be a minute. i'm with channel 3 and--"
"i don't care who you're with, pal." boomed a man waiting in line with his family. "fair is fair."
"the end of the line is back here!" someone called from down the hallway.
a tall man in a dark blue suit jogged to mr. henry and said, "sir, i'm going to have to ask you to leave--"
mr. henry glared at him. "who are you?"
"i'm the assistant manager," the man answered.
"well, you talk to mr. bouchard, your boss," mr. henry insisted. "he issued me a permit, and he told me we had unlimited access."
"i understand, but access does not mean--"
dad cut in. "it's all right, mr. henry, we're happy to wait our turn."
"no, we're not!" claire declared, stamping her feet. "that line is too long!"
what a time for a tantrum.
claire was screaming. mr. henry was arguing with the assistant manager. the assistant manager pulled out a cellular phone and called someone. the triplets started bothering dad. the people in line looked furious.
by the time the manager, mr. bouchard, ran to us, it seemed as if the whole store was watching us.
while mr. henry and mr. bouchard talked, dad and mom snuck us all back to the end of the line.
before long, mr. henry joined us. "sorry, folks," he said. "they're making it a little hard. we will have to wait in line. and because of the length, we won't be allowed to do any retakes. if you'd rather, we could shoot you all shopping first, then come back to north pole village later on."'
haha! you SUCK, mr. henry! if you were a member of the baby-sitters club, you totally would've gotten to jump the line! i bet the only reason they didn't just wave mallory on in like a celebrity at an exclusive night club was because they didn't want to deal with her rowdy ape family.
the kids get even more out of control figuring out what to do. nicky wants to stay and wait to see santa but the others are all for spending that ten grand like it's going out of style. vanessa wants a VCR that can tape off of VHS tapes for some reason. maybe she wants to make bootleg copies of their videos and sell them on the playground. pirating video tapes is a crime, vanessa! LOL.
byron wants a computer, jordan wants a dirt bike, margo wants a CD player and claire wants to buy...north pole village?
mallory hates her life for real right about now and the chapter ends thusly:
'i felt like shrinking into a hole. if the manager were still there, i'm sure he would have kicked us out. lucky for us, he was gone.
unfortunately, though, so was my christmas spirit.'
awwww. i feel ya, girl. i feel ya. christmas sucks all the balls for me this year, too.
Chapter Nine
notebook entry courtesy of kristen amanda, who is high on her own ego right now:
'friday
you guys are going to hate me for saying this, i just know it. but honestly, what would you do without me? did you really think we could wait till opening day to set everything up?
now we're ready. monday will be fantastic. piece of cake. one thing, though. mallory, i'm sorry about your friends. let's see if we can invite them to the BSC meeting. seriously.
just think about it. that's all.'
which friends of mal's is kristy talking about? why, her "friends" at channel 3, of course!
it was the day after that ill-fated trip to north pole village and the channel 3 crew scheduled yet another shoot that evening. mallory confides that she wasn't in the mood for that shit at all, so she was glad when kristy asked all the BSC members to go to stoneybrook manor after the club meeting. i'm tempted to skim the fuck out of this chapter because this stoneybrook manor shit depresses the hell outta me.
mallory says she 'blew it.' she stopped by her house on the way to stoneybrook manor to drop off her book bag and…'guess who was pulling up to the curb in front of my house?' could it be…your "friends"? yep. it's channel 3, those crafty motherfuckers.
'"hi, mallory!" mr. henry called out. "i thought we wouldn't be seeing you this evening."
"you're right," i replied. "i have to go to stoneybrook manor."
"the old age home?" mr. henry asked. "why?"'
uh oh…
mallory explains to him about the christmas boutique and her uncle joe. mr. henry, of course, decides to run with this.
'"perfect," mr. henry said. "what a christmas-spirited thing to do. not that i should be surprised, coming from a member of the pike family. we'll be happy to drive you there."
"that's okay, it's walking distance," i said, turning up the walkway.
"nonsense, it's no problem at all."'
SHIT.
mr. henry follows her into the house and goes to talk with her parents while she drops off her books. once again, due to stoneybrook's magic acoustics, mallory can hear the entire conversation between her parents and mr. henry, all the way from her bedroom:
'"i'm sure you can all use a little rest from us," i could hear him saying.
"don't be silly," my mom replied.
"boy, will mal's friends be thrilled," dad said.
"thrilled with what?" i asked, running downstairs.
all my siblings were in the kitchen, looking kind of glum.
"with being videotaped," mom answered. "especially kristy."
"you're going to tape us at the manor?" i asked mr. henry.
"why not?" mr. henry said.'
mallory excuses herself to go fix her hair. she takes a deep breath to steady her nerves.
when the channel 3 van pulls up to the manor and her friends see her and the film crew, their jaws drop. or, well, whatever it is your mouth does when it "gapes."
'kristy walked over to mr. henry and introduced herself. as he and the crew unpacked, she explained about the BSC and the christmas boutique.
i'm surprised she didn't ask him to attend a meeting.'
well, she kind of does, but later on, in that notebook entry where she tells you that you guys have to invite your channel 3 "friends" to a meeting. how soon you forget.
when they get to the manor mrs. slavedriver greets them, then looks at mr. henry 'quizzically', asking, "may i help you?"
mr. henry explains who they are and tells her they plan to film at the manor. instead of telling him "hell NO! we have elderly residents who could get upset and agitated by this." she says, "well, i suppose it's all right. we could use a little free publicity. as long as you don't disturb any of the residents."
you're a fucking bonehead, mrs. kronauer.
mr. henry lies through his teeth and tells her not to worry, "we're a small crew. you won't notice us." uh huh, suuuure.
at that, mrs. kronauer walks the fuck out. like, him saying that was somehow good enough for her. she didn't sign any releases, or go discuss it with the residents, nothing. she just wanders off into the rec room, leaving the camera crew to just do whatever and film whatever they want. jesus fucking christ, woman!
well, the action appears to be in the rec room, anyway, so the girls go in to help set up. of course the camera crew follows, they're hoping to get a money shot at the old folk's home.
'kristy, claudia, stacey, the crew, and i went to the kid's alcove. there, abby and mary anne were putting price tags on the handmade dolls mary anne had brought. jessi was hard at work, cleaning a donated high chair. "in this area, we are collecting items of particular interest to parents and children, kristy said to jeannie's camera in this formal, grown-up voice. "these are the members of the baby-sitters club, which meets continently* on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays from five-thirty to six."
claudia started cracking up.
"cut," mr. henry said.'
*okay, LOL, i have to admit, i had never heard or read that word before in my life and wasn't sure if it actually belonged in the book or was a typo. so i dragged out my copy of webster's new world dictionary and this is the closest thing i could find: 'continent adj. characterized by self-restraint, esp. in sexual activity -- n. any of the main large land areas of the earth.'
so, i'm guessing either lerangis is fucking with us, or it was a typo and was supposed to said 'conveniently." it still makes me fucking laugh though. what can i say, it's been a rough couple of weeks, i'll take my laughs where i can get them.
kristy asks claudia what was so funny and claudia says, "you are so corny, you sound like a commercial." kristy starts asking what's wrong with that but trails off as she notices jeannie and todd taking off on her to make their rounds through the room, filming elderly residents who haven't given them permission or signed any releases, just as the other members of the BSC haven't--or their parents--but that's a whole 'nother barrel of monkeys. i'm sure these girls would think that kristy's "OK" was good enough. because they're dumb and think she has as much, no, MORE, authority over their lives than their parents do. kristy is their legal guardian, apparently.
when jeannie and todd come back mary anne does exactly what i would do, and ducks out of sight. i have successfully managed to avoid being recorded onto video since the age of about six. the most that has been seen of me since, even in home videos my little sisters made as teenagers, is my hair as i literally duck out of view, while covering my face with my hand. ha! SUCKERS.
meanwhile, 'jessi busily tried to pull her hair into a tight bun, abby was goofing around, trying on a baby's winter hat.' mr. henry tells them to "just be natural, pretend we're not here."
uh huh.
i tried. i decided to help abby. unfortunately, she is the world's biggest ham. before long, she had put a bib around her neck, a circular rattle around her left ear, and a pair of rubber freddy krueger gloves on her hands.
when she balanced a booster seat on her head, i ducked out of camera range.'
girrrrrl, go hide with mary anne! cripplingly shy people tend to be pretty good at sniffing out the best hiding spots! but nope, she doesn't listen to me. she goes and helps claudia hang a wreath instead. maybe mary anne hid so well that mallory couldn't find her. yeah, that's it.
just then mr. rubin announces that the food has arrived. i feel like i'm supposed to know who mr. rubin is. ah…the resident pianist. okay. i had to scroll up and check. anyway, the film crew decides to zero in on piano man as he serves food.
'"i'm mr. rubin," he said. "you know, i had a very good singing voice. in the service, i was in a training film…"'
aww, mr. rubin is kind of sweet. i'm sorry mr. rubin, this won't be a musical. or a variety hour. you want the brady bunch for that…
i'l just...leave that there...
while the girls are digging into the food, the residents FINALLY realize that they are being filmed and start getting, well, "in a tizzy" (HA!) over it. and it's actually very telling:
'the residents were buzzing excitedly around the camera.
"is it the press?" one of them asked.
"are they doing an expose?" asked another.
"about time," remarked a third.'
what in the world goes on in the manor when the visitors have gone home? i guess this is one of those old folks homes from hell where all sorts of horrible neglect and abuse happens. my great uncle was in a shitty old folks home before he died. when my father and the rest of his family went to collect his belongings after he passed away, they found that the nurses stole his stuff-- right down to the family photos he had always carried in his wallet. i don't know what else went down in that place, but apparently it was pretty awful.
anyway, back to this trainwreck:
'"no one told us," an elderly woman complained, giggling embarrassedly.
"she didn't put her teeth in," another woman explained to me with a mischievous grin.
half the residents seemed annoyed, the other half curious.'
i really hope poor uncle joe doesn't venture out of the safety of his room right now.
jeannie wanders around the room filming all the residents and BSC members preparing for the boutique, while todd films mr. rubin singing, as mallory so kindly puts it, 'way out of tune.'
'"cut! thank you, sir," mr. henry said, abruptly pulling todd along to another resident. "now, tell me, ma'am, what do you think of the young people here, helping you out?"
"who?" the woman asked.'
HAHAHA! okay, whoever this old lady is, i officially LOVE her.
kristy is disturbed that all the attention isn't focused on the glory that is herself, so she starts shrieking, '"folks, let's use this back table for food, this way shoppers will have to pass all the other items on their way. trust me, it'll help sales." jeannie thinks this is important shit to film for the show, so she asks kristy if she can repeat what she just said, and to speak clearly. big fucking mistake. kristy screams, "FOLKS!"
and then, just as i feared, uncle joe appears.
'just then, i noticed uncle joe standing in the doorway, leaning against his cane.
"hi, uncle joe!" i said.
"i heard you kids were coming," he said. "what's all this racket?"'
mallory explains to him about the contest and the reality tv special, finishing up with, "they're interested in everything the pike family does, they've been to our house many times. we're going to be stars!"
unfortunately, mr. henry sees her talking to joe and calls out, "ah, is this the lucky grandfather?" parting the sea of old people with the help of jeannie, camera at the ready and most likely rolling.
'"great-uncle," i corrected him.
uncle joe turned away. "i…i, uh, have to go back now."'
oh god. poor joe.
'"heck of a job your grand-niece is doing!" mr. henry nudged jeannie and said, "catch him in the hallway."'
FUCK THAT. if i were mallory i'd put a stop to that shit immediately. can't they see the guy is overwhelmed? this shit isn't fucking cool. i know, i know, they're the media, they don't give a fuck. other people's emotional upsets are like crack to them. fucking monsters.
oh good. mallory does stand up for him! thank fucking goodness. though she kind of does a half-assed job, 'poor uncle joe. he looked so frightened and bewildered. "he really needs to rest," i insisted. "you'll see him at our house on christmas."
that's enough to appease mr henry for the time being so he calls "okay, cut!" and tells joe it was nice to meet him. then he and jeannie head back into the rec room while mallory takes joe by the arm and walks him back to his room where he can have some peace and quiet.
but he's still upset.
'i tried to chat with him, but he remained silent until he was lying on his bed. then he said, "sweetheart, i--i haven't been feeling very well, and you know, with the payroll taxes due…i don't think i'll be able to make the party."
payroll taxes? i knew what was happening. uncle joe used to be an accountant, and alzheimer's patients sometimes imagine themselves in the past.
"but uncle joe," i said, "i--"
"too many people," he muttered. he picked up the remote and turned on the tv.'
fuck. i'm teary eyed all over again.
mallory says goodbye to joe and 'slump[s]' out of his room, feeling awful.
'i shouldn't have mentioned that the channel 3 crew was going to be at our family party. that was the real reason he didn't want to come.
but if i hadn't told him, then what? he would have shown up and been devastated to see them.'
she's turning the corner to the rec room, still deep in thought about uncle joe, when mrs. slavedriver comes and gives her shit: "dear, i thought we agreed that the cameras would not be disruptive, those people are shifting furniture around, making my custodians find extra lights, bothering the residents. three of them want to drop out of the boutique. we open on monday, and i can't have this happening!"
bitch, you are a grown ass woman and mallory wasn't even there for that shit. as a grown ass woman and the person who gave the film crew permission to film at the manor in the first place, you should open your fucking mouth and talk to mr. henry and the camera crew, air out these grievances with them, since they are the ones causing trouble, NOT mallory. don't go whining to the eleven year old for god's sake! accept some personal fucking responsibility, you twat.
mallory stammers that she's sorry. but mrs. slavedriver won't drop it, because she's a cunt: '"don't get me wrong," mrs. kronauer went on. "i appreciate you and your friend's help, but i have asked the crew to leave, and i must now ask you not to bring them around again."
"okay," i squeaked.'
mrs. kronauer is a fucking bitch.
the chapter ends with mallory tellings us that:
'as mrs. kronauer walked away, i slunk back to the rec room. i felt about two feet tall.'
awww…
okay, let's all cheer up a little after that shit!
HIT IT, BRENDA LEE!
see you guys after the holidays!