kristy's worst idea part three!
hey guys! sorry for not putting this up sooner, the weekend kind of sucked for me. but i spent last night watching really unintentionally hilarious old sci-fi drive in movies, which totally got me out of my slump. so here, finally, is part three. once again, it's long, so i'll put up the last three chapters up in another post soon...
thanks again for all of the awesome comments on part one&two, you guys seriously fucking rock!!
part one part two
Chapter Nine
was there an emergency? ha, of course not. the chapter starts off with something so priceless that once again, i'mma just type it out directly from the ebook, because that seems to be how i roll:
'name: claudia kishi
class: 208
date: thurz. 9/26
our bodies' metablism
first you breath and you get some oxyjin and some other elements that don't effect you to much.
they are respired in to youre lungs fill up and somehow gets in to you're blods which goes from blew
to red. and you're hart pumps to, with ventricals and auricals. meanwhile there is somting called
glitosol glisall glyco
help! help!! help!!!!!!'
haha, i fucking love you claudia.
janine asks claudia if that BS was her "best effort", which, knowing claudia, she probably put 100% of her brain power into it. well, 100% of the two cells she has reserved for school. the other cells are strictly used to figure out new hiding spots for candy and nancy drews, her insane notions of "fashion" and the rest is taken up with art. those two remaining brain cells were SUPER STRAINED FOR THIS PAPER YOU GUYS!!!
'"this stuff is so confusing," claudia replied.
"what are all these blotches?"
"i was stabbing it with my pen."'
LOL.
janine tells her that they've been over all this shit already and that claudia claimed that she understood it, but states that from this train wreck of a paper, she was lying her candy-eating ass off. kristy says that janine trying to teach claudia science is like a beaver teaching a basset hound how to build a dam. so, fucking pointless, i guess?
but i feel for claudia when she answers: "when you explain it, i'm ever more confused." that's how i am when, say, my husband tries to explain math to me, or super high tech computer stuff. i get even more confused. i'm telling you, geniuses just don't know how to dumb things down to someone else's level. at least, janine and my husband don't.
turns out janine heard claudia hanging up the phone when she was done talking to kristy. so kristy decides that this is the time to tell us what we already know, claudia didn't 'set her kitchen on fire. she had not caught her finger in the cuisinart. she had not been discovered eating a ring-ding by the junk-food police, her parents.
claudia was in a crisis over her homework.'
no shit, right?
kristy tells us that after claudia called she ran through her house trying to find a ride and of course, everyone was busy with their lives but charlie. and of course he does it, because he lives to drive her dumb ass around. well, and because kristy tells him that claudia is in trouble and that "something awful has happened." but he still basically tells her, "if this is baby-sitters club shit, i'd better be getting fucking paid for this!"
she says it's not a baby-sitters club meeting and he actually says: "great. so it's just slave labor." you're damned right, charlie. it totally is. and so of course kristy flips out on him and turns into a gigantic drama queen: "i don't believe you! one of my best friends may be lying on the floor, gasping for breath, and you're worried about gas money?"
uh, if she were lying on the floor, gasping for breath, she wouldn't have been able to call you. also, if it were some kind of medical emergency, don't you think she would've, i dunno, called someone who lived closer if her own family wasn't there to help her? or like, a fucking ambulance? god kristy. get a damned grip.
when charlie drops her off at claud's she runs into the house and up to claudia's room, to find that EVERYTHING IS FINE. claudia is "slumped over her desk" and janine is wearing holes in the carpet while lecturing claudia about studying. when janine sees kristy, she tells her claudia is busy right now. which i take as her way of hinting to GTFO. but claudia says that kristy came over to do homework with her. when kristy says "i am?" claudia gets to be the one to give kristy a "Look" for a change. so kristy says, "i mean, i am!" which causes janine to smirk at her, which, in all honestly, i didn't think janine was even capable of. she says, "you're so transparent, kristy. all right, i'll help you both. the krebs cycle is not exactly an intuitive concept." so kristy admits to us that she's totally bullshitting when she tells janine that she knows krebs like stacey knows crabs. like the back of her hand.
so janine is like, whatever bitches, "when you're running low on collective adenosine triphosphate, don't hesitate to call." and i'm like, say whaaaaaat? i need to google that shit. aaaand i'm back and my response has not changed. damn it, either she was fucking with them or i'm as dumb as claudia.
kristy says, "right" and janine goes into her room. claudia asks kristy what janine said and kristy shrugs, "the fuck should i know?" seriously. the fuck should i know.
claudia tells kristy that she is "D-E-D. dead. i might as well be studying ancient sanscript."
kristy asks "isn't it sanskrit?" and claudia is like, "see? i'd flunk that shit too." kristy finally calls her out on that phone call, says she was scared that something awful had happened to her. claudia says that something awful HAS happened to her -- homework. homework has happened. well, claudia, unless you drop out of school, homework will keep happening for many many years. and since you're stuck in a never ending time loop, the EXACT SAME homework will keep happening forever and ever and ever. since this is like, the i dunno, 40th or so time you've started eighth grade, maybe, just maybe, you should know this by now.
it's okay, it'll be back to the seventh grade for her soon.
kristy tries to explain the homework to her, but before she can even really start, the phone rings. claudia lets her know that the former clients keep calling her damned phone at all hours of the day and it's driving her insane. then, because mr. sobak asked for mary anne, she starts bitching to kristy about "boring old mary anne" getting all the jobs. kristy says "claudia!" all shocked, i guess, that two of her friends are still angry with each other? claudia says she takes it back and tells kristy to teach her about "the crabs cycle", claiming it will calm her down.
kristy tells her it's krebs, not crabs. and it's the way the body breaks down energy, in the form of ATP, blahblah, and claudia says, "but that's so stupid! energy isn't a thing. it's like, a state of mind or an attitude." uh…claudia…energy IS a thing. what the hell are you smoking?? luckily the phone rings again, and it's the hobarts, who suggest that the former club members just get a central voice-mail pickup, which claud says they'll look into. she hangs up an asks kristy WTF a central voice-mail pick up is and kristy has zero clue. she asks why claudia doesn't just leave her machine on, which claudia tried, but these dumb ass ex-clients don't give a fuck, they just keep calling. and calling. and calling. oh my fucking GOD, would that ever piss me off. i think i'd change my damned number.
kristy tries to get back to explaining the krebs cycle and energy to claudia, "when you eat, like, a candy bar, your body stores some of it in fat cells, right? but it also--" and the damned phone rings AGAIN. claudia is sadfaces because she says they were just about to get to the good part. yes, i agree, claudia, candy is ALWAYS the good part. see, kristy figured out how to explain it in a way that claudia would be interested in it. that is a good way to try and teach her shit she doesn't want to learn.
kristy answers the phone this time and i am still laughing at this shit, so i'm going to type it out:
'"hello?" a muffled, high-pitched voice said. "do you still have the baby-sitters club?"
i sat on the directer's chair. claudia was scooting into her closet.
"no," i answered, "but we are still available individ--"
"no club? then i'll take the regular baby-sitter's sandwich, one baby-sitter on rye with mayo and a sour pickle."
now i recognized that voice.
"alan gray, you are a disgusting goon!" i cried, slamming the phone down.'
that exchange shouldn't bring me half as much joy as it does. but what can i say? this book is frustrating, and i needed that.
claudia comes out of the closet (now if only kristy and logan would…!) with a bag of snickers bars. i hate her right now, because i love snickers. and while i do have a ton of chocolate in the apartment right now, it's in the other room and i want to finish this damned chapter before i get up. FML. claudia says the chocolate is for scientific demonstration. "you know, for the part you were starting to talk about, the candy bar?" kristy laughs and i smirk janine style. claudia throws her a snickers and kristy goes into BSC meeting mode. 'we just sat there for a moment, munching happily. i saw my trusty visor buried under some papers on claudia's floor, so i grabbed it and put it on.' old habits die hard, kristy.
'the clock ticked to 5:51. i was in my usual BSC position. claudia was in hers. we were doing our usual BSC activity, eating.'
i thought that'd be baby-sitting, but yeah, you girls eat a lot. i'll give you that.
'"feels like a meeting, huh?" i said.
claudia nodded. "kristy, do you miss it?"
i had to take a deep breath. the truth? right then and there, in claudia's room, the answer was yes. i couldn't help it.'
well, at least she's broken through some of that denial.
she tells claudia that sometimes she misses the club so much that it hurts. claudia says she does too.
'"you know, when i think of all of us, sitting around here, eating stuff--"
"answering calls--"
"laughing--"
i smiled. "and arguing."
"yeah, and changing schedules."
"listening to excuses."
"listening to you blow up."
"i never blow up!" i boomed.
we both started cracking up.
"well," said claudia, "i guess i don't miss it all the time."
"it does feel good to have the free time," i admitted. "i kind of enjoy spending it at home. it's relaxing."'
okay, who replaced crusty with a pod person?? she is totally a pod person right now, this is NOT the kristy we know and, well, not love.
claudia says she spends all her free time on her homework, which "relaxes" her so much she falls asleep. '"maybe that's why i'm flunking."
i stood up and walked toward claud's desk. "have no fear. you'll pass. that's the thomas promise."'
surprised she hasn't started copyrighting this shit.
and it's funny, in these books, the club members are always promising claudia that they will help her with her school work, but it rarely ever happens, other than stacey helping her once in awhile. you never really see any other club members helping her. so i'm calling bullshit on this so-called 'thomas promise.' just saying.
claudia continues to eat her candy, saying, "you know, i can feel a lot of krebs in my stomach right now. this is helpful."
that's not krebs claud. that's your stomach's feeble attempt to reject what it probably a 3 (minimum, 3) year old chocolate bar.
the phone rings AGAIN and claudia shouts at it to "GO AWAY!" before answering the damned thing, maybe she should start screaming that AFTER answering the phone. either that, or i'd just pretend to be one of those automated messages "we're sorry, the number you have called has been disconnected." and hang the fuck up on these idiots. it's been weeks since they ended the damned club, but apparently some people are stupid and need to be told repeatedly. holy shit man.
Chapter Ten
so, kristy is biking through her neighbourhood on "a cloudy saturday" when she comes across abby playing soccer with a bunch of the old sitting charges. kristy's got to get in on this shit. the chance to do her favourite things (controlling children, playing sports, and showing abby who is boss) is just too good to pass up on. so she joins in. blah blah. reading about sports is more boring than watching sports, which is infinitely more boring than playing them. this is why i tend to hate kristy books, too much reading about sports, not enough of anything remotely fun.
so forgive me for skimming this chapter. i find sports chapters almost as annoying as chapter two's.
kristy's kickers versus abby's attackers. blah blah. i don't care. la la la, i can't hear you…
abby and kristy get competitive with one another, what else is new? I STILL DON'T CARE.
kristy says the game was atrocious. because her team lost. abby's team won, 17-6. and thank goodness that's over.
abby rubs a whole salt lick into kristy's wound afterward, '"great game!" abby put her arm around me as we packed up to leave. "don't worry. i'll let you win next time."' she's smart enough to run off. kristy is about to chase her down when hannie papadakis stops her.
'"kristy, my daddy makes houses and stuff," she said.
"yes, hannie," i replied. "i know that--"
"so, like, he could build you a new clubhouse. you know, for the one that broke."
i had no idea what she was talking about. "i don't have a broken clubhouse."
"my mom told me there's no more baby-sitters club." hannie explained.
"oh, that means we're not meeting anymore. our clubhouse was claudia's bedroom. it's still there."
hannie looked confused. "so why can't you meet?"
linny came bounding over. "because they don't like each other anymore, silly."
"that's not true!" the words flew out of my mouth, even though i wasn't sure i believed them. abby had been really competitive--too competitive."'
they ask, well, why the fuck is abby running away from you then? and kristy says that the girls are all still friends, they just aren't a club anymore but they still babysit. blah blah. and then kristy is surrounded by excited kids wanting the BSC to come over and parent them again because since the club broke up they've been left to gnaw on chair legs for sustenance and walk around in eternally shitty diapers and watch TV all day, because the parents in stoneybrook suck balls and don't watch their own kids.
the parents of stoneybrook are this fucking dumb.
abby appears out of nowhere, since apparently she'd run off, but i guess was still close enough to hear all these kids beg kristy to babysit and asks, "hrrrrmph. how about me?" scott hsu tells her she's too old to be baby-sat. ha. and she tells them SHE IS A BABY-SITTER TOO DAMNIT. and scott says "cool" and blah blah, the kids all leave.
kristy finds out that since abby hadn't actually really been given baby-sitting jobs in their neighbourhood since joining the club, none of these kids know her, so she doesn't get ANY baby-sitting jobs. i guess kristy had been so used to having first dibs on jobs in the rich part of town that when abby joined the club, she was unwilling to give up the wealthy clients on millionaire row or some shit. how very kind of you kristy.
kristy says she'll help abby gets jobs. they can call the parents abby HAD gotten to sit for and get references from them, etc, and abby is all NOPE to that, claiming that staying at home listening to anna practice, taking naps, watching the leaves turn and cleaning the bathroom is more relaxing. kristy gives her a Look, which abby counters with a Look of her own, then raises her an "agggggh! bring back the BSC!"
kristy nearly has a heart attack, then wonders if it's possible abby actually means that and if all the other former members feel the same and she goes in a circle until she notices the "exaggerated, mock-hysterical" expression on abby's face and realizes that she's been punk'd and that abby is actually ashton kutcher* in disguise, who is now laughing his balls off at her.
*punk'd was on when this book was published…right? please tell me it was, or else that joke just blew up in my face. ah well.
so abby and kristy, who i guess on are their bikes now? i dunno. race home.
when kristy pulls up to her place she notices one of the pike's station wagons parked in her driveway. she stops, but abby keeps going, saying the race isn't over yet. i guess she thought they were racing to her place? who the hell knows.
kristy and mrs. pike chitchat and kristy asks how mallory is. turns out mallory has pretty much barricaded herself in her room to work on her project for the library reading group -- which i thought was a creative writing group??? whatever. and mrs. pike says she tried to convince her to de-howard hughes herself, but she refused.
kristy asks, '"i guess mal's not upset about the BSC breakup anymore, huh?"
mrs. pike shrugged. "she hasn't talked about it much."
"great. well, say hi from me."
hasn't talked about it much?
the words hit me in a strange way.'
uh, for all you know, she just hasn't been talking about it with her parents. and why the hell would she? i know if mr and mrs. pike were my parents, i wouldn't feel like i could talk to them about anything. they don't really ever act like they give much of a shit either way, so why would she tell them anything?
but anyway, kristy is all butthurt that as of yet, no one has sincerely begged her to bring back the club. even though she claims she'd say no. she just can't get over herself. 'i mean, was the BSC that easy to forget? was it that small a part of everyone's life? after all that time, all that effort?
i thought of something i'd never considered before.
maybe my great idea had never been so great after all.'
dun dun dun!
well, i guess someone better start begging her for reals, or she'll have to hang herself. or something.
Chapter Eleven
this chapter starts off with erica blumberg and someone i don't remember ever being mentioned before, lily karp, discussing a baby-sitting job erica had with the newtons in the cafeteria. erica is being a drama-llama about lucy crying, saying "i thought she was dying!" and then, as is typical in these books, trying to talk around a mouthful of food. these girls are always talking with their mouths full. wtf is up with that? i think it's so ann and the ghostwriters can use up some of the word count with bullshit nonsense and then have the character explain said bullshit nonsense once they've actually swallowed their food.
erica says that lucy was crying and crying, so she thought she had gas. blah blah, she tries everything she can think of but nothing stops lucy from crying. she's ready to call 911, when she FINALLY thinks to check the diaper. holy shit, man. i think the FIRST THING i would check is the damned diaper, honestly. and i don't even have a hell of a lot of experience with babies, other than being the second oldest in a family of five kids. i'd think to check either the baby's diaper first or if she/he was hungry.
oh, turns out erica hadn't changed lucy's diaper all damned day. what the hell, erica?!
'"it was her diaper! can you believe it! totally soaked. i mean, duh. i hadn't changed her all day!"
duh was right. any half-brained baby-sitter would have checked the diaper in the first place.'
i agree with you there, krusty, i agree with you there. bask in my agreement, krusty, because it doesn't happen often.
kristy admits to us that yeah, she was totally spying on these girls. well, she says eavesdropping, i say spying. tomato, tomaahtoe, potato, potaahtoe, let's call this whole book off.
she says it "bothers" her a lot that erica was baby-sitting for the newtons, because they are loyal clients of the BSC. well, kristy, you disbanded the club! why the hell shouldn't the former clients branch out and give other kids a chance to baby-sit? maybe none of you bitches were available. who the fuck knows? she says she was also bothered because lucy deserves better treatment than erica had given her. well, yeah, lucy shouldn't have had to sit in a soaked diaper all day. but it's not like erica was beating her or something. seriously. i'm sure erica will learn from that mistake. she's also PISSED that erica had the brass lady-balls to charge a "whole dollar" more per hour than the BSC. well, considering you nimrods are content to work for pennies an hour, while stupidly considering that "pretty much money" (*SHUDDER!!!*), all this proves is that erica is smarter than you bitches and knows what her time is worth. so, stop whining.
but then lily says something stupid and even i kinda want to slap her:
'"i know what you mean," lily continued. "the diapers absorb all the moisture. how are you supposed to know?"
i could keep my mouth shut no longer. i pushed aside my turkey burger and spun around to face them.
"when it's lumpy."
"huh?" lily asked.'
so kristy explains diapers to the girls. and explains that after awhile a soaked diaper becomes uncomfortable -- no kidding, kristy. and that the baby can develop a rash. so she says you need to check the baby's diaper constantly. erica derps that she definitely waited too damned long but tries to appease Krusty The God of Baby-Sitting by saying she put vaseline on lucy's rash. kristy tells her that vaseline is okay, but not good enough by kristy's standards, because it stains clothes. blah blah. lily asks how kristy knows all of this stuff, "because i have a obsession with children that borders on sickness" or, as kristy sees it, the experience she gained while running the club. once again, potato, potaahtoe.
lily's all like, "cool, now some of us will finally learn" and kristy says she must have given her one of her Kristy Thomas Patented Looks ™ , because lily's face 'fell'. and lily tries to explain herself, saying: "i didn't mean that in a bad way, it's just that, you know, parents never used to call us."
erica jumps in with, '"mrs. newton said she tried a bunch of baby-sitters club members before she called me." erica lifted an eyebrow. "boy, did that make me feel special."
"you did have kind of a monopoly, kristy." lily added.
"oh, come on," i said. "you mean to tell me you never baby-sat while the BSC was together?"'
of course they fucking didn't, kristy! they saw what you did to all the competition!
erica says that the only people in her neighbourhood who would need sitters were BSC clients, so they never called her and lily says she baby-sat three times "last year", but it was for her cousins. the cafeteria starts filling up and erica decides to shut down this uncomfortable conversation by thanking kristy for her advice. kristy says "you're welcome" and goes back to that turkey burger, which, i would imagine would be pretty cold and gross by now.
then she starts spinning lies to us:
'monopoly?
the word was throbbing in my mind, like a blinking neon light. the BSC had been many things to me. a club. a business. a fun time. a learning experience. but a monopoly? i had never thought of that. our goal was to be good sitters, not to be the only sitters in town.'
ahem! uh, kristy? you might want to check out yo pants, girl. for they appear to be on fire.
'no wonder erica was so incompetent. she hadn't had a chance.
all because of us. the baby-sitting hogs.'
LOL.
stacey sits down with kristy and offers her 30 cents for her thoughts -- so, that's like, an hour's worth of baby-sitting wages for them, am i right? heh. kristy tells stacey that she just had a Great Idea ™ and stacey asks if she should eat before she listens to this shit, or like, after. dunno, girl. depends on if you want to puke food or bile, is all i'm saying.
kristy barrels on because that's how she rolls and says she wants the former BSC members to have an "advice service" for tips on baby-sitting, because now that they're out of business, they need to learn them there other kids to baby-sit correctly, lest stoneybrook turn into one gigantic diaper rash. she says claudia can make fliers and they can put them all over the school, recreation centre, supermarkets…kristy tells us readers that as she's droning on stacey's smile is disappearing. and it turns out that nobody else is interested either! mary anne said it might work better on an "informal basis", abby tells her to do that BS alone, "so she could call me" and claudia straight up laughed in her face. nice.
kristy turns to guilt and self pity as though it were a bottle of jack, saying she's not insulted, because who the fuck is she to give anyone advice on baby-sitting when she nearly killed jackie.
after school she rounds up david michael, linny and hannie to have a "real" soccer practice. she says it's warm and summery out and she's thinking of how "stuffy" it would feel if she were in claudia's room having a meeting right about now, but "then i remembered claudia's air conditioner, and the great lemonade she used to serve…" which is it, kristy? does claudia have AC or not? which part of this line of thought is you rewriting history? and since when did claudia ever serve them lemonade? whaaaaa?
she must've been fantasizing about claudia/her room/BSC meetings, because she has to snap herself back to reality with: "arrgh! keep your mind on the practice, thomas."
scott hsu runs up to her asking if he can play too and she's in the middle of saying yes when she notices who scott and timmy's baby-sitter is. her mind damned near explodes because their baby-sitter is…cokie! dun dun dun, bet ya didn't see that coming. i mean, unless you already read the book…or have read enough of the damned things to know what would piss kristy off the most in all the world, namely, cokie mason usurping her role as supreme overlord of stoneybrook in any way.
'my heart did a cannonball dive. i blinked my eyes, just in case i was seeing things.'
she asks scott if cokie is his sitter, but he is already off playing with the other kids. cokie is pissed that the kid is playing and yells for him to "GET OVER HERE THIS INSANT!"
which leads kristy to confuse cokie with herself, when she says: 'well, that was cokie's style. if a cologne were based on cokie, it would be called Obnoxious.' meanwhile, scott is pleading with cokie to let him play and she's snapping at him, "you heard me! i need to get to the store now!"
kristy offers to watch scott and timmy says he wants her to watch him too. cokie is pissed. '"ugh, did you have to say that? " cokie hissed through tight lips. "look, today is the last day of the pre-inventory sale at bellair's. if i don't go now, i'll never find anything."
"you're taking them on a shopping trip for yourself?" i asked.
("selfish pig," i didn't say.)'
kristy tells her she can leave the kiddies with her, because she needs to do a line of baby-sitting STAT and can't handle temptation when it is practically being handed to her on a silver platter. the kids are all for this. but cokie ain't having none of this. 'cokie's lips curled in disgust. "i'm their baby-sitter, kristen. not you." she grabbed the boys by their hands and started walking. "get a life."
i nearly pummelled her. really. if i hadn't been surrounded by kids, if i hadn't needed to set an example, she'd be history.'
i'm sure, kristy, i'm sure.
so cokie drags the childrens off, who apparently look like 'captured stray puppies on the way to the pound'. d'aw. poor childrens. being babysat by cokie MUST be bad if they prefer kristy's bullshit and bossiness. either that, or kristy is just hallucinating right now.
the kiddies who are left apparently loved the rest of practice and the 'ran all over' kristy (?) but she admits that she was so angry and spaced out that she couldn't really pay attention. boohoo. she has the balls to call mrs. hsu later that night and ream her out for hiring a non-BSC sitter:
'"hi, kristy, long time no hear!" mrs. hsu said. "how's life after the baby-sitters club?"
"fine," i replied. "um, guess who i saw? scott and timmy, with cokie. as we were chatting i said to myself, 'kristy, maybe you never mentioned to mrs. hsu that the members of the club are all available for sitting at our home numbers'."
mrs. hsu laughed. "you did, kristy. several times. so did claudia and stacey. and i'm sure i'll use you. it's just that mrs. mason is a good friend, and she's been after me for the longest time to give her daughter a sitting job. i always meant to, but the baby-sitters club was so convenient and reliable. now that you're all scattered, i figured, why not give cokie a chance?"
"sure, i understand," i said. "well, nice to talk to you. and don't stop calling on us former BSC members!
"i won't. 'bye!"
boy, was i cheery. my voice had not one drop of bitterness in it.
i didn't start screaming bloody murder until i hung up the phone.'
HAHAHA. i guess you HAVE to bring the BSC back then, won't ya? just to fuck cokie over.
i love the image of kristy screaming as soon as she hangs up the phone, life as she knows it crumbling to dust all around her.
Chapter Twelve
this chapter begins with an entry from the 'private journal' of 'anastasia mcgill' and i have to say, i can't see stacey referring to herself as 'anastasia', even in her 'private journal', considering how much she freaks when people call her that. i just don't see this happening at ALL. ANYwaaay…
'saturday
i feel awful today.'
lol, i hope it's because she had to send all of her ex's this cake:
'it all came rushing back.
i thought i'd recovered. i thought i'd finally felt one hundred percent fine about the BSC split-up.
but i was wrong. funny how some things have a way of creeping up on you in the strangest places…'
boring!
why did stacey feel 10 shades of sad about the club bust up?
well, let's read on and find out!
saturday morning stacey and claudia go to washington mall where kristy says they were 'cleaning out steven e.' because it was having a clearance sale. kristy mentions it's the fanciest store in the mall, so i have to interject here with a dose of reality - even if the 'fanciest' store (most expensive more like) is having a clearance sale, the prices are STILL bound to be more than these kids can afford. it's not like a 'fancy' store will drop the price on say, a $100 dress to a $1. so whatever. i call bullshit on all of this.
kristy tells us that stacey loves sales and marks them on her calendar in advance and prepares by going to bed early, blah blah, her motto is "maximum fashion for maximum savings." kristy thinks sales are bullshit. that you don't "save" money on a sale, you spend it. well, that's true, kristin. i'll give you that. but if there is something i want to buy, i'd rather buy it when it's on sale, especially considering the insane mark-ups. don't even get me started on how the quality of clothing has gone waaaay down while prices keep going up. i'm planning on getting myself a sewing machine and teaching myself how to sew my own damned clothes to avoid that kinda shit.
stacey and claudia are apparently so loaded down with shopping bags that stacey tells claudia that they should've got a shopping cart. holy shit, girls, how much did you buy??? claudia says her parents are going to kill her, so i guess they gave her their credit card or something. sorry, but i'd never give my 13 year old kid (if i had one) a credit card and just send them off to the mall to shop unsupervised. what do these parents think is going to happen? honestly, i would never even allow MYSELF to own a credit card. for the same reasons i wouldn't trust a child with one.
anyway, stacey tells claudia not to worry about it because 'they know a bargain when they see it.' and seems to think that if claudia lets them fondle the fabric of a black silk blouse she probably spent way too much on, that they won't even care about the amount of money she spent on clothes. ha! doubtful.
even claudia isn't dumb enough to think her parents will fall for that. '"a college scholarship--that's a bargain for them. a library book sale. home delivery of the wall street journal. but this? honestly, stacey, when my dad sees his credit card he'll make me pay him back in instalments until i'm twenty-nine." you best your ass he will, girl.
'"we can return some of it," stacey suggested.
claudia stopped walking. she and stacey looked back at the store.
"nahhhh," they said together.'
that little part i just typed up is just so typical of the time it makes me roll my eyes but smile, too. it's so typical that it borders on comforting.
so the girls go to the food court to eat at friendly's -- is friendly's a real place? oh, yep it is. i just googled it. i don't know if we have friendly's in canada…i don't think i've ever seen one, anyway. it looks like any other fast food burger joint. snore!
'through the din of the crowded restaurant, claudia heard a crash and a baby's loud squawk.
a waitress ran by with a hand broom and dustpan, dodging her way through the room. she began cleaning up the floor near a booth in the corner. claud could see mrs. newton crouching over to help out. jamie was watching with a guilty expression while lucy gurgled in her high chair.'
of fucking course they would run into former clients. OF COURSE.
the waiter leads stacey and claudia to a table in the back, but stacey tells claudia what to order for her, because she wants to run off and see jamie newton. why it's stacey and not claudia i'll never know. i mean, i thought that claudia was one of jamie's favourite sitters, i could be wrong, but i seem to remember him liking claudia and kristy best…maybe stacey is still trying to work through the guilt of neglecting him when he was puke-sick to talk to robert on the phone. whatever.
anyway, she decides that the SMART thing to do is to sneak up behind jamie and put her hands over his eyes and ask, "guess who?"
jamie hilariously guesses laverne, the waitress. BURN, STACEY!!!
when jamie sees that it's stacey, he gives her toddler evils before getting up and walking the hell off. mrs. newton calls out to ask him where he's going, but stacey says she'll go find him. mrs. newton isn't going to go after her own kid when there is a BSCer to do all the parenting, so she doesn't say anything.
she basically chases him through friendly's until he runs into the men's room to hide. she knocks on the door but he says she can't come in because it's for menfolk only. she says she knows and she'll wait. and wait she does. while her meal is probably sitting there getting cold and claudia is probably getting tired of waiting for her ass. an old man goes to open the men's room door and 'jamie came flying out, his hand still tightly clutching the handle' so the door opens out into the restaurant, i guess? anyway, he's off and running again. this time stacey gains on the poor kid and grabs him, then gives him a hug. i don't think forced-hugging is going to fix this, stacey.
he actually starts failing his arms and demands that she let him go. i don't blame him. he's obviously upset with you, stacey. don't be invading the kid's space like that.
'"okay, okay," stacey said, setting him down. "i was only joking."
they were by the cashier now, in a corner safely away from the restaurant traffic. jamie's eyes were welling up. he couldn't look at stacey. "wow, you're in some mood," stacey said. "what's up?"'
yeah, i know when i'm in tears, i LOVE being told that i'm 'in a mood'. seriously.
'"nothing," he murmured.
"did i say something wrong?"
"i want my mom."
"sure, jamie." now stacey was totally bewildered. she walked him back to the booth. he slid into the padded seat and shrunk into a corner.
"see, sweetheart, stacey doesn't hate you," mrs. newton said.'
that is damned sad, the poor kid thought these girls hated him because all of a sudden they weren't babysitting him anymore. i mean, mrs. newton could've dealt with that better, by, i dunno, actually HIRING the girls that jamie obviously loves to babysit once in awhile. i mean, this woman was calling the BSC nonstop for no reason whatsoever when the club was intact, did she suddenly not need someone to watch the kids when the club disbanded? i doubt it, she's totally dependant on those girls. why not just keep hiring them? this kid is obviously hurting.
'"hate you?" stacey repeated. "of course not. why would i?"
mrs. newton looked up at stacey with a weary smile. "i hired erica blumberg to sit a couple of times. i didn't realize how that would affect jamie. i mean, she's a perfectly nice girl, but jamie is used to the baby-sitters club. i tried to explain what had happened, but somehow he's convinced himself that you all hate him."
awesome job BSC and mrs. newton!
stacey sidled into the seat next to jamie. "that sure isn't true. we still adore you."
"yeah?" jamie said. "then why is smelly erica our sitter?"
"i told you, honey," mrs. newton said to jamie. "i won't always be able to reach the same sitters as i used to. they're not a club anymore."
"why not?" jamie demanded.
"well," stacey said, "it's just that we all had a lot of other personal commitments and schoolwork, and we couldn't keep our meeting times." stacey felt foolish saying that. jamie just looked at her as if she were speaking a foreign language.'
well, no shit he didn't understand that, he's four. he isn't a perkins, damn it. you can't expect him to grasp any of that, it's all 'wahh wahh wahh wahh purple monkey dishwasher wahh' to him. anyway, claudia seems to have gotten bored waiting for stacey and i don't blame her one bit. she comes over, carrying the shopping bags--i guess even in a place called 'friendly's' you gotta worry about jerks stealing your stuff the second it's out of your sight--to console jamie. mrs. newton finally promises him that she'll hire stacey or claudia to sit for him next time. sounds like you should've done that ages ago, woman.
even though claudia and stacey both agree that they will come babysit for him, he's still not happy. well, wounds take awhile to heal, people. give the kid some time and prove you mean the shit your saying with your actions, not just empty words.
the newtons leave because lucy is 'restless' and claudia and stacey go back to their food, which is now lukewarm. yeah, i imagine it tastes like shit by this point, girls. reality must've bitch slapped them pretty hard because apparently 'the glamour had gone out of the shopping trip.' and mr. kishi is pissed when he sees all the stuff claudia bought.
stacey gets home and calls her mom to check out the clothes she bought, but her mom just informs her that she has to call mrs. prezzioso STAT because she needs a sitter for that night. stacey must've been snorting the club kool-aid in it's pure powdered form today, because she calls mrs. p right away--considering how all these girls except mary anne totally hate on jenny, i doubt she'd do this voluntarily and without making bitchy comments, so i see no other possible explanation.
mrs. p answers the phone and stacey jumps right in and apologizes for not being home before, but she'll totally take the job. mrs. p BITCHES HER OUT pretty much: '"you know, dear," mrs. p interrupted, "i spent the whole morning on the phone. i did manage to reach mary anne, however, so i'm covered. but thanks for calling back."
"you're welcome." stacey replied, feeling a little deflated. "say hi to mary anne."
"stacey, i hope you don't mind me saying this," mrs. p went on, "but this whole process was much easier when you were the baby-sitters club."'
and the chapter closes with stacey sighing and saying, "i know, mrs. p. believe me, i know."'
whatever stacey.
thanks again for all of the awesome comments on part one&two, you guys seriously fucking rock!!
part one part two
Chapter Nine
was there an emergency? ha, of course not. the chapter starts off with something so priceless that once again, i'mma just type it out directly from the ebook, because that seems to be how i roll:
'name: claudia kishi
class: 208
date: thurz. 9/26
our bodies' metablism
first you breath and you get some oxyjin and some other elements that don't effect you to much.
they are respired in to youre lungs fill up and somehow gets in to you're blods which goes from blew
to red. and you're hart pumps to, with ventricals and auricals. meanwhile there is somting called
glitosol glisall glyco
help! help!! help!!!!!!'
haha, i fucking love you claudia.
janine asks claudia if that BS was her "best effort", which, knowing claudia, she probably put 100% of her brain power into it. well, 100% of the two cells she has reserved for school. the other cells are strictly used to figure out new hiding spots for candy and nancy drews, her insane notions of "fashion" and the rest is taken up with art. those two remaining brain cells were SUPER STRAINED FOR THIS PAPER YOU GUYS!!!
'"this stuff is so confusing," claudia replied.
"what are all these blotches?"
"i was stabbing it with my pen."'
LOL.
janine tells her that they've been over all this shit already and that claudia claimed that she understood it, but states that from this train wreck of a paper, she was lying her candy-eating ass off. kristy says that janine trying to teach claudia science is like a beaver teaching a basset hound how to build a dam. so, fucking pointless, i guess?
but i feel for claudia when she answers: "when you explain it, i'm ever more confused." that's how i am when, say, my husband tries to explain math to me, or super high tech computer stuff. i get even more confused. i'm telling you, geniuses just don't know how to dumb things down to someone else's level. at least, janine and my husband don't.
turns out janine heard claudia hanging up the phone when she was done talking to kristy. so kristy decides that this is the time to tell us what we already know, claudia didn't 'set her kitchen on fire. she had not caught her finger in the cuisinart. she had not been discovered eating a ring-ding by the junk-food police, her parents.
claudia was in a crisis over her homework.'
no shit, right?
kristy tells us that after claudia called she ran through her house trying to find a ride and of course, everyone was busy with their lives but charlie. and of course he does it, because he lives to drive her dumb ass around. well, and because kristy tells him that claudia is in trouble and that "something awful has happened." but he still basically tells her, "if this is baby-sitters club shit, i'd better be getting fucking paid for this!"
she says it's not a baby-sitters club meeting and he actually says: "great. so it's just slave labor." you're damned right, charlie. it totally is. and so of course kristy flips out on him and turns into a gigantic drama queen: "i don't believe you! one of my best friends may be lying on the floor, gasping for breath, and you're worried about gas money?"
uh, if she were lying on the floor, gasping for breath, she wouldn't have been able to call you. also, if it were some kind of medical emergency, don't you think she would've, i dunno, called someone who lived closer if her own family wasn't there to help her? or like, a fucking ambulance? god kristy. get a damned grip.
when charlie drops her off at claud's she runs into the house and up to claudia's room, to find that EVERYTHING IS FINE. claudia is "slumped over her desk" and janine is wearing holes in the carpet while lecturing claudia about studying. when janine sees kristy, she tells her claudia is busy right now. which i take as her way of hinting to GTFO. but claudia says that kristy came over to do homework with her. when kristy says "i am?" claudia gets to be the one to give kristy a "Look" for a change. so kristy says, "i mean, i am!" which causes janine to smirk at her, which, in all honestly, i didn't think janine was even capable of. she says, "you're so transparent, kristy. all right, i'll help you both. the krebs cycle is not exactly an intuitive concept." so kristy admits to us that she's totally bullshitting when she tells janine that she knows krebs like stacey knows crabs. like the back of her hand.
so janine is like, whatever bitches, "when you're running low on collective adenosine triphosphate, don't hesitate to call." and i'm like, say whaaaaaat? i need to google that shit. aaaand i'm back and my response has not changed. damn it, either she was fucking with them or i'm as dumb as claudia.
kristy says, "right" and janine goes into her room. claudia asks kristy what janine said and kristy shrugs, "the fuck should i know?" seriously. the fuck should i know.
claudia tells kristy that she is "D-E-D. dead. i might as well be studying ancient sanscript."
kristy asks "isn't it sanskrit?" and claudia is like, "see? i'd flunk that shit too." kristy finally calls her out on that phone call, says she was scared that something awful had happened to her. claudia says that something awful HAS happened to her -- homework. homework has happened. well, claudia, unless you drop out of school, homework will keep happening for many many years. and since you're stuck in a never ending time loop, the EXACT SAME homework will keep happening forever and ever and ever. since this is like, the i dunno, 40th or so time you've started eighth grade, maybe, just maybe, you should know this by now.
it's okay, it'll be back to the seventh grade for her soon.
kristy tries to explain the homework to her, but before she can even really start, the phone rings. claudia lets her know that the former clients keep calling her damned phone at all hours of the day and it's driving her insane. then, because mr. sobak asked for mary anne, she starts bitching to kristy about "boring old mary anne" getting all the jobs. kristy says "claudia!" all shocked, i guess, that two of her friends are still angry with each other? claudia says she takes it back and tells kristy to teach her about "the crabs cycle", claiming it will calm her down.
kristy tells her it's krebs, not crabs. and it's the way the body breaks down energy, in the form of ATP, blahblah, and claudia says, "but that's so stupid! energy isn't a thing. it's like, a state of mind or an attitude." uh…claudia…energy IS a thing. what the hell are you smoking?? luckily the phone rings again, and it's the hobarts, who suggest that the former club members just get a central voice-mail pickup, which claud says they'll look into. she hangs up an asks kristy WTF a central voice-mail pick up is and kristy has zero clue. she asks why claudia doesn't just leave her machine on, which claudia tried, but these dumb ass ex-clients don't give a fuck, they just keep calling. and calling. and calling. oh my fucking GOD, would that ever piss me off. i think i'd change my damned number.
kristy tries to get back to explaining the krebs cycle and energy to claudia, "when you eat, like, a candy bar, your body stores some of it in fat cells, right? but it also--" and the damned phone rings AGAIN. claudia is sadfaces because she says they were just about to get to the good part. yes, i agree, claudia, candy is ALWAYS the good part. see, kristy figured out how to explain it in a way that claudia would be interested in it. that is a good way to try and teach her shit she doesn't want to learn.
kristy answers the phone this time and i am still laughing at this shit, so i'm going to type it out:
'"hello?" a muffled, high-pitched voice said. "do you still have the baby-sitters club?"
i sat on the directer's chair. claudia was scooting into her closet.
"no," i answered, "but we are still available individ--"
"no club? then i'll take the regular baby-sitter's sandwich, one baby-sitter on rye with mayo and a sour pickle."
now i recognized that voice.
"alan gray, you are a disgusting goon!" i cried, slamming the phone down.'
that exchange shouldn't bring me half as much joy as it does. but what can i say? this book is frustrating, and i needed that.
claudia comes out of the closet (now if only kristy and logan would…!) with a bag of snickers bars. i hate her right now, because i love snickers. and while i do have a ton of chocolate in the apartment right now, it's in the other room and i want to finish this damned chapter before i get up. FML. claudia says the chocolate is for scientific demonstration. "you know, for the part you were starting to talk about, the candy bar?" kristy laughs and i smirk janine style. claudia throws her a snickers and kristy goes into BSC meeting mode. 'we just sat there for a moment, munching happily. i saw my trusty visor buried under some papers on claudia's floor, so i grabbed it and put it on.' old habits die hard, kristy.
'the clock ticked to 5:51. i was in my usual BSC position. claudia was in hers. we were doing our usual BSC activity, eating.'
i thought that'd be baby-sitting, but yeah, you girls eat a lot. i'll give you that.
'"feels like a meeting, huh?" i said.
claudia nodded. "kristy, do you miss it?"
i had to take a deep breath. the truth? right then and there, in claudia's room, the answer was yes. i couldn't help it.'
well, at least she's broken through some of that denial.
she tells claudia that sometimes she misses the club so much that it hurts. claudia says she does too.
'"you know, when i think of all of us, sitting around here, eating stuff--"
"answering calls--"
"laughing--"
i smiled. "and arguing."
"yeah, and changing schedules."
"listening to excuses."
"listening to you blow up."
"i never blow up!" i boomed.
we both started cracking up.
"well," said claudia, "i guess i don't miss it all the time."
"it does feel good to have the free time," i admitted. "i kind of enjoy spending it at home. it's relaxing."'
okay, who replaced crusty with a pod person?? she is totally a pod person right now, this is NOT the kristy we know and, well, not love.
claudia says she spends all her free time on her homework, which "relaxes" her so much she falls asleep. '"maybe that's why i'm flunking."
i stood up and walked toward claud's desk. "have no fear. you'll pass. that's the thomas promise."'
surprised she hasn't started copyrighting this shit.
and it's funny, in these books, the club members are always promising claudia that they will help her with her school work, but it rarely ever happens, other than stacey helping her once in awhile. you never really see any other club members helping her. so i'm calling bullshit on this so-called 'thomas promise.' just saying.
claudia continues to eat her candy, saying, "you know, i can feel a lot of krebs in my stomach right now. this is helpful."
that's not krebs claud. that's your stomach's feeble attempt to reject what it probably a 3 (minimum, 3) year old chocolate bar.
the phone rings AGAIN and claudia shouts at it to "GO AWAY!" before answering the damned thing, maybe she should start screaming that AFTER answering the phone. either that, or i'd just pretend to be one of those automated messages "we're sorry, the number you have called has been disconnected." and hang the fuck up on these idiots. it's been weeks since they ended the damned club, but apparently some people are stupid and need to be told repeatedly. holy shit man.
Chapter Ten
so, kristy is biking through her neighbourhood on "a cloudy saturday" when she comes across abby playing soccer with a bunch of the old sitting charges. kristy's got to get in on this shit. the chance to do her favourite things (controlling children, playing sports, and showing abby who is boss) is just too good to pass up on. so she joins in. blah blah. reading about sports is more boring than watching sports, which is infinitely more boring than playing them. this is why i tend to hate kristy books, too much reading about sports, not enough of anything remotely fun.
so forgive me for skimming this chapter. i find sports chapters almost as annoying as chapter two's.
kristy's kickers versus abby's attackers. blah blah. i don't care. la la la, i can't hear you…
abby and kristy get competitive with one another, what else is new? I STILL DON'T CARE.
kristy says the game was atrocious. because her team lost. abby's team won, 17-6. and thank goodness that's over.
abby rubs a whole salt lick into kristy's wound afterward, '"great game!" abby put her arm around me as we packed up to leave. "don't worry. i'll let you win next time."' she's smart enough to run off. kristy is about to chase her down when hannie papadakis stops her.
'"kristy, my daddy makes houses and stuff," she said.
"yes, hannie," i replied. "i know that--"
"so, like, he could build you a new clubhouse. you know, for the one that broke."
i had no idea what she was talking about. "i don't have a broken clubhouse."
"my mom told me there's no more baby-sitters club." hannie explained.
"oh, that means we're not meeting anymore. our clubhouse was claudia's bedroom. it's still there."
hannie looked confused. "so why can't you meet?"
linny came bounding over. "because they don't like each other anymore, silly."
"that's not true!" the words flew out of my mouth, even though i wasn't sure i believed them. abby had been really competitive--too competitive."'
they ask, well, why the fuck is abby running away from you then? and kristy says that the girls are all still friends, they just aren't a club anymore but they still babysit. blah blah. and then kristy is surrounded by excited kids wanting the BSC to come over and parent them again because since the club broke up they've been left to gnaw on chair legs for sustenance and walk around in eternally shitty diapers and watch TV all day, because the parents in stoneybrook suck balls and don't watch their own kids.
the parents of stoneybrook are this fucking dumb.
abby appears out of nowhere, since apparently she'd run off, but i guess was still close enough to hear all these kids beg kristy to babysit and asks, "hrrrrmph. how about me?" scott hsu tells her she's too old to be baby-sat. ha. and she tells them SHE IS A BABY-SITTER TOO DAMNIT. and scott says "cool" and blah blah, the kids all leave.
kristy finds out that since abby hadn't actually really been given baby-sitting jobs in their neighbourhood since joining the club, none of these kids know her, so she doesn't get ANY baby-sitting jobs. i guess kristy had been so used to having first dibs on jobs in the rich part of town that when abby joined the club, she was unwilling to give up the wealthy clients on millionaire row or some shit. how very kind of you kristy.
kristy says she'll help abby gets jobs. they can call the parents abby HAD gotten to sit for and get references from them, etc, and abby is all NOPE to that, claiming that staying at home listening to anna practice, taking naps, watching the leaves turn and cleaning the bathroom is more relaxing. kristy gives her a Look, which abby counters with a Look of her own, then raises her an "agggggh! bring back the BSC!"
kristy nearly has a heart attack, then wonders if it's possible abby actually means that and if all the other former members feel the same and she goes in a circle until she notices the "exaggerated, mock-hysterical" expression on abby's face and realizes that she's been punk'd and that abby is actually ashton kutcher* in disguise, who is now laughing his balls off at her.
*punk'd was on when this book was published…right? please tell me it was, or else that joke just blew up in my face. ah well.
so abby and kristy, who i guess on are their bikes now? i dunno. race home.
when kristy pulls up to her place she notices one of the pike's station wagons parked in her driveway. she stops, but abby keeps going, saying the race isn't over yet. i guess she thought they were racing to her place? who the hell knows.
kristy and mrs. pike chitchat and kristy asks how mallory is. turns out mallory has pretty much barricaded herself in her room to work on her project for the library reading group -- which i thought was a creative writing group??? whatever. and mrs. pike says she tried to convince her to de-howard hughes herself, but she refused.
kristy asks, '"i guess mal's not upset about the BSC breakup anymore, huh?"
mrs. pike shrugged. "she hasn't talked about it much."
"great. well, say hi from me."
hasn't talked about it much?
the words hit me in a strange way.'
uh, for all you know, she just hasn't been talking about it with her parents. and why the hell would she? i know if mr and mrs. pike were my parents, i wouldn't feel like i could talk to them about anything. they don't really ever act like they give much of a shit either way, so why would she tell them anything?
but anyway, kristy is all butthurt that as of yet, no one has sincerely begged her to bring back the club. even though she claims she'd say no. she just can't get over herself. 'i mean, was the BSC that easy to forget? was it that small a part of everyone's life? after all that time, all that effort?
i thought of something i'd never considered before.
maybe my great idea had never been so great after all.'
dun dun dun!
well, i guess someone better start begging her for reals, or she'll have to hang herself. or something.
Chapter Eleven
this chapter starts off with erica blumberg and someone i don't remember ever being mentioned before, lily karp, discussing a baby-sitting job erica had with the newtons in the cafeteria. erica is being a drama-llama about lucy crying, saying "i thought she was dying!" and then, as is typical in these books, trying to talk around a mouthful of food. these girls are always talking with their mouths full. wtf is up with that? i think it's so ann and the ghostwriters can use up some of the word count with bullshit nonsense and then have the character explain said bullshit nonsense once they've actually swallowed their food.
erica says that lucy was crying and crying, so she thought she had gas. blah blah, she tries everything she can think of but nothing stops lucy from crying. she's ready to call 911, when she FINALLY thinks to check the diaper. holy shit, man. i think the FIRST THING i would check is the damned diaper, honestly. and i don't even have a hell of a lot of experience with babies, other than being the second oldest in a family of five kids. i'd think to check either the baby's diaper first or if she/he was hungry.
oh, turns out erica hadn't changed lucy's diaper all damned day. what the hell, erica?!
'"it was her diaper! can you believe it! totally soaked. i mean, duh. i hadn't changed her all day!"
duh was right. any half-brained baby-sitter would have checked the diaper in the first place.'
i agree with you there, krusty, i agree with you there. bask in my agreement, krusty, because it doesn't happen often.
kristy admits to us that yeah, she was totally spying on these girls. well, she says eavesdropping, i say spying. tomato, tomaahtoe, potato, potaahtoe, let's call this whole book off.
she says it "bothers" her a lot that erica was baby-sitting for the newtons, because they are loyal clients of the BSC. well, kristy, you disbanded the club! why the hell shouldn't the former clients branch out and give other kids a chance to baby-sit? maybe none of you bitches were available. who the fuck knows? she says she was also bothered because lucy deserves better treatment than erica had given her. well, yeah, lucy shouldn't have had to sit in a soaked diaper all day. but it's not like erica was beating her or something. seriously. i'm sure erica will learn from that mistake. she's also PISSED that erica had the brass lady-balls to charge a "whole dollar" more per hour than the BSC. well, considering you nimrods are content to work for pennies an hour, while stupidly considering that "pretty much money" (*SHUDDER!!!*), all this proves is that erica is smarter than you bitches and knows what her time is worth. so, stop whining.
but then lily says something stupid and even i kinda want to slap her:
'"i know what you mean," lily continued. "the diapers absorb all the moisture. how are you supposed to know?"
i could keep my mouth shut no longer. i pushed aside my turkey burger and spun around to face them.
"when it's lumpy."
"huh?" lily asked.'
so kristy explains diapers to the girls. and explains that after awhile a soaked diaper becomes uncomfortable -- no kidding, kristy. and that the baby can develop a rash. so she says you need to check the baby's diaper constantly. erica derps that she definitely waited too damned long but tries to appease Krusty The God of Baby-Sitting by saying she put vaseline on lucy's rash. kristy tells her that vaseline is okay, but not good enough by kristy's standards, because it stains clothes. blah blah. lily asks how kristy knows all of this stuff, "because i have a obsession with children that borders on sickness" or, as kristy sees it, the experience she gained while running the club. once again, potato, potaahtoe.
lily's all like, "cool, now some of us will finally learn" and kristy says she must have given her one of her Kristy Thomas Patented Looks ™ , because lily's face 'fell'. and lily tries to explain herself, saying: "i didn't mean that in a bad way, it's just that, you know, parents never used to call us."
erica jumps in with, '"mrs. newton said she tried a bunch of baby-sitters club members before she called me." erica lifted an eyebrow. "boy, did that make me feel special."
"you did have kind of a monopoly, kristy." lily added.
"oh, come on," i said. "you mean to tell me you never baby-sat while the BSC was together?"'
of course they fucking didn't, kristy! they saw what you did to all the competition!
erica says that the only people in her neighbourhood who would need sitters were BSC clients, so they never called her and lily says she baby-sat three times "last year", but it was for her cousins. the cafeteria starts filling up and erica decides to shut down this uncomfortable conversation by thanking kristy for her advice. kristy says "you're welcome" and goes back to that turkey burger, which, i would imagine would be pretty cold and gross by now.
then she starts spinning lies to us:
'monopoly?
the word was throbbing in my mind, like a blinking neon light. the BSC had been many things to me. a club. a business. a fun time. a learning experience. but a monopoly? i had never thought of that. our goal was to be good sitters, not to be the only sitters in town.'
ahem! uh, kristy? you might want to check out yo pants, girl. for they appear to be on fire.
'no wonder erica was so incompetent. she hadn't had a chance.
all because of us. the baby-sitting hogs.'
LOL.
stacey sits down with kristy and offers her 30 cents for her thoughts -- so, that's like, an hour's worth of baby-sitting wages for them, am i right? heh. kristy tells stacey that she just had a Great Idea ™ and stacey asks if she should eat before she listens to this shit, or like, after. dunno, girl. depends on if you want to puke food or bile, is all i'm saying.
kristy barrels on because that's how she rolls and says she wants the former BSC members to have an "advice service" for tips on baby-sitting, because now that they're out of business, they need to learn them there other kids to baby-sit correctly, lest stoneybrook turn into one gigantic diaper rash. she says claudia can make fliers and they can put them all over the school, recreation centre, supermarkets…kristy tells us readers that as she's droning on stacey's smile is disappearing. and it turns out that nobody else is interested either! mary anne said it might work better on an "informal basis", abby tells her to do that BS alone, "so she could call me" and claudia straight up laughed in her face. nice.
kristy turns to guilt and self pity as though it were a bottle of jack, saying she's not insulted, because who the fuck is she to give anyone advice on baby-sitting when she nearly killed jackie.
after school she rounds up david michael, linny and hannie to have a "real" soccer practice. she says it's warm and summery out and she's thinking of how "stuffy" it would feel if she were in claudia's room having a meeting right about now, but "then i remembered claudia's air conditioner, and the great lemonade she used to serve…" which is it, kristy? does claudia have AC or not? which part of this line of thought is you rewriting history? and since when did claudia ever serve them lemonade? whaaaaa?
she must've been fantasizing about claudia/her room/BSC meetings, because she has to snap herself back to reality with: "arrgh! keep your mind on the practice, thomas."
scott hsu runs up to her asking if he can play too and she's in the middle of saying yes when she notices who scott and timmy's baby-sitter is. her mind damned near explodes because their baby-sitter is…cokie! dun dun dun, bet ya didn't see that coming. i mean, unless you already read the book…or have read enough of the damned things to know what would piss kristy off the most in all the world, namely, cokie mason usurping her role as supreme overlord of stoneybrook in any way.
'my heart did a cannonball dive. i blinked my eyes, just in case i was seeing things.'
she asks scott if cokie is his sitter, but he is already off playing with the other kids. cokie is pissed that the kid is playing and yells for him to "GET OVER HERE THIS INSANT!"
which leads kristy to confuse cokie with herself, when she says: 'well, that was cokie's style. if a cologne were based on cokie, it would be called Obnoxious.' meanwhile, scott is pleading with cokie to let him play and she's snapping at him, "you heard me! i need to get to the store now!"
kristy offers to watch scott and timmy says he wants her to watch him too. cokie is pissed. '"ugh, did you have to say that? " cokie hissed through tight lips. "look, today is the last day of the pre-inventory sale at bellair's. if i don't go now, i'll never find anything."
"you're taking them on a shopping trip for yourself?" i asked.
("selfish pig," i didn't say.)'
kristy tells her she can leave the kiddies with her, because she needs to do a line of baby-sitting STAT and can't handle temptation when it is practically being handed to her on a silver platter. the kids are all for this. but cokie ain't having none of this. 'cokie's lips curled in disgust. "i'm their baby-sitter, kristen. not you." she grabbed the boys by their hands and started walking. "get a life."
i nearly pummelled her. really. if i hadn't been surrounded by kids, if i hadn't needed to set an example, she'd be history.'
i'm sure, kristy, i'm sure.
so cokie drags the childrens off, who apparently look like 'captured stray puppies on the way to the pound'. d'aw. poor childrens. being babysat by cokie MUST be bad if they prefer kristy's bullshit and bossiness. either that, or kristy is just hallucinating right now.
the kiddies who are left apparently loved the rest of practice and the 'ran all over' kristy (?) but she admits that she was so angry and spaced out that she couldn't really pay attention. boohoo. she has the balls to call mrs. hsu later that night and ream her out for hiring a non-BSC sitter:
'"hi, kristy, long time no hear!" mrs. hsu said. "how's life after the baby-sitters club?"
"fine," i replied. "um, guess who i saw? scott and timmy, with cokie. as we were chatting i said to myself, 'kristy, maybe you never mentioned to mrs. hsu that the members of the club are all available for sitting at our home numbers'."
mrs. hsu laughed. "you did, kristy. several times. so did claudia and stacey. and i'm sure i'll use you. it's just that mrs. mason is a good friend, and she's been after me for the longest time to give her daughter a sitting job. i always meant to, but the baby-sitters club was so convenient and reliable. now that you're all scattered, i figured, why not give cokie a chance?"
"sure, i understand," i said. "well, nice to talk to you. and don't stop calling on us former BSC members!
"i won't. 'bye!"
boy, was i cheery. my voice had not one drop of bitterness in it.
i didn't start screaming bloody murder until i hung up the phone.'
HAHAHA. i guess you HAVE to bring the BSC back then, won't ya? just to fuck cokie over.
i love the image of kristy screaming as soon as she hangs up the phone, life as she knows it crumbling to dust all around her.
Chapter Twelve
this chapter begins with an entry from the 'private journal' of 'anastasia mcgill' and i have to say, i can't see stacey referring to herself as 'anastasia', even in her 'private journal', considering how much she freaks when people call her that. i just don't see this happening at ALL. ANYwaaay…
'saturday
i feel awful today.'
lol, i hope it's because she had to send all of her ex's this cake:
'it all came rushing back.
i thought i'd recovered. i thought i'd finally felt one hundred percent fine about the BSC split-up.
but i was wrong. funny how some things have a way of creeping up on you in the strangest places…'
boring!
why did stacey feel 10 shades of sad about the club bust up?
well, let's read on and find out!
saturday morning stacey and claudia go to washington mall where kristy says they were 'cleaning out steven e.' because it was having a clearance sale. kristy mentions it's the fanciest store in the mall, so i have to interject here with a dose of reality - even if the 'fanciest' store (most expensive more like) is having a clearance sale, the prices are STILL bound to be more than these kids can afford. it's not like a 'fancy' store will drop the price on say, a $100 dress to a $1. so whatever. i call bullshit on all of this.
kristy tells us that stacey loves sales and marks them on her calendar in advance and prepares by going to bed early, blah blah, her motto is "maximum fashion for maximum savings." kristy thinks sales are bullshit. that you don't "save" money on a sale, you spend it. well, that's true, kristin. i'll give you that. but if there is something i want to buy, i'd rather buy it when it's on sale, especially considering the insane mark-ups. don't even get me started on how the quality of clothing has gone waaaay down while prices keep going up. i'm planning on getting myself a sewing machine and teaching myself how to sew my own damned clothes to avoid that kinda shit.
stacey and claudia are apparently so loaded down with shopping bags that stacey tells claudia that they should've got a shopping cart. holy shit, girls, how much did you buy??? claudia says her parents are going to kill her, so i guess they gave her their credit card or something. sorry, but i'd never give my 13 year old kid (if i had one) a credit card and just send them off to the mall to shop unsupervised. what do these parents think is going to happen? honestly, i would never even allow MYSELF to own a credit card. for the same reasons i wouldn't trust a child with one.
anyway, stacey tells claudia not to worry about it because 'they know a bargain when they see it.' and seems to think that if claudia lets them fondle the fabric of a black silk blouse she probably spent way too much on, that they won't even care about the amount of money she spent on clothes. ha! doubtful.
even claudia isn't dumb enough to think her parents will fall for that. '"a college scholarship--that's a bargain for them. a library book sale. home delivery of the wall street journal. but this? honestly, stacey, when my dad sees his credit card he'll make me pay him back in instalments until i'm twenty-nine." you best your ass he will, girl.
'"we can return some of it," stacey suggested.
claudia stopped walking. she and stacey looked back at the store.
"nahhhh," they said together.'
that little part i just typed up is just so typical of the time it makes me roll my eyes but smile, too. it's so typical that it borders on comforting.
so the girls go to the food court to eat at friendly's -- is friendly's a real place? oh, yep it is. i just googled it. i don't know if we have friendly's in canada…i don't think i've ever seen one, anyway. it looks like any other fast food burger joint. snore!
'through the din of the crowded restaurant, claudia heard a crash and a baby's loud squawk.
a waitress ran by with a hand broom and dustpan, dodging her way through the room. she began cleaning up the floor near a booth in the corner. claud could see mrs. newton crouching over to help out. jamie was watching with a guilty expression while lucy gurgled in her high chair.'
of fucking course they would run into former clients. OF COURSE.
the waiter leads stacey and claudia to a table in the back, but stacey tells claudia what to order for her, because she wants to run off and see jamie newton. why it's stacey and not claudia i'll never know. i mean, i thought that claudia was one of jamie's favourite sitters, i could be wrong, but i seem to remember him liking claudia and kristy best…maybe stacey is still trying to work through the guilt of neglecting him when he was puke-sick to talk to robert on the phone. whatever.
anyway, she decides that the SMART thing to do is to sneak up behind jamie and put her hands over his eyes and ask, "guess who?"
jamie hilariously guesses laverne, the waitress. BURN, STACEY!!!
when jamie sees that it's stacey, he gives her toddler evils before getting up and walking the hell off. mrs. newton calls out to ask him where he's going, but stacey says she'll go find him. mrs. newton isn't going to go after her own kid when there is a BSCer to do all the parenting, so she doesn't say anything.
she basically chases him through friendly's until he runs into the men's room to hide. she knocks on the door but he says she can't come in because it's for menfolk only. she says she knows and she'll wait. and wait she does. while her meal is probably sitting there getting cold and claudia is probably getting tired of waiting for her ass. an old man goes to open the men's room door and 'jamie came flying out, his hand still tightly clutching the handle' so the door opens out into the restaurant, i guess? anyway, he's off and running again. this time stacey gains on the poor kid and grabs him, then gives him a hug. i don't think forced-hugging is going to fix this, stacey.
he actually starts failing his arms and demands that she let him go. i don't blame him. he's obviously upset with you, stacey. don't be invading the kid's space like that.
'"okay, okay," stacey said, setting him down. "i was only joking."
they were by the cashier now, in a corner safely away from the restaurant traffic. jamie's eyes were welling up. he couldn't look at stacey. "wow, you're in some mood," stacey said. "what's up?"'
yeah, i know when i'm in tears, i LOVE being told that i'm 'in a mood'. seriously.
'"nothing," he murmured.
"did i say something wrong?"
"i want my mom."
"sure, jamie." now stacey was totally bewildered. she walked him back to the booth. he slid into the padded seat and shrunk into a corner.
"see, sweetheart, stacey doesn't hate you," mrs. newton said.'
that is damned sad, the poor kid thought these girls hated him because all of a sudden they weren't babysitting him anymore. i mean, mrs. newton could've dealt with that better, by, i dunno, actually HIRING the girls that jamie obviously loves to babysit once in awhile. i mean, this woman was calling the BSC nonstop for no reason whatsoever when the club was intact, did she suddenly not need someone to watch the kids when the club disbanded? i doubt it, she's totally dependant on those girls. why not just keep hiring them? this kid is obviously hurting.
'"hate you?" stacey repeated. "of course not. why would i?"
mrs. newton looked up at stacey with a weary smile. "i hired erica blumberg to sit a couple of times. i didn't realize how that would affect jamie. i mean, she's a perfectly nice girl, but jamie is used to the baby-sitters club. i tried to explain what had happened, but somehow he's convinced himself that you all hate him."
awesome job BSC and mrs. newton!
stacey sidled into the seat next to jamie. "that sure isn't true. we still adore you."
"yeah?" jamie said. "then why is smelly erica our sitter?"
"i told you, honey," mrs. newton said to jamie. "i won't always be able to reach the same sitters as i used to. they're not a club anymore."
"why not?" jamie demanded.
"well," stacey said, "it's just that we all had a lot of other personal commitments and schoolwork, and we couldn't keep our meeting times." stacey felt foolish saying that. jamie just looked at her as if she were speaking a foreign language.'
well, no shit he didn't understand that, he's four. he isn't a perkins, damn it. you can't expect him to grasp any of that, it's all 'wahh wahh wahh wahh purple monkey dishwasher wahh' to him. anyway, claudia seems to have gotten bored waiting for stacey and i don't blame her one bit. she comes over, carrying the shopping bags--i guess even in a place called 'friendly's' you gotta worry about jerks stealing your stuff the second it's out of your sight--to console jamie. mrs. newton finally promises him that she'll hire stacey or claudia to sit for him next time. sounds like you should've done that ages ago, woman.
even though claudia and stacey both agree that they will come babysit for him, he's still not happy. well, wounds take awhile to heal, people. give the kid some time and prove you mean the shit your saying with your actions, not just empty words.
the newtons leave because lucy is 'restless' and claudia and stacey go back to their food, which is now lukewarm. yeah, i imagine it tastes like shit by this point, girls. reality must've bitch slapped them pretty hard because apparently 'the glamour had gone out of the shopping trip.' and mr. kishi is pissed when he sees all the stuff claudia bought.
stacey gets home and calls her mom to check out the clothes she bought, but her mom just informs her that she has to call mrs. prezzioso STAT because she needs a sitter for that night. stacey must've been snorting the club kool-aid in it's pure powdered form today, because she calls mrs. p right away--considering how all these girls except mary anne totally hate on jenny, i doubt she'd do this voluntarily and without making bitchy comments, so i see no other possible explanation.
mrs. p answers the phone and stacey jumps right in and apologizes for not being home before, but she'll totally take the job. mrs. p BITCHES HER OUT pretty much: '"you know, dear," mrs. p interrupted, "i spent the whole morning on the phone. i did manage to reach mary anne, however, so i'm covered. but thanks for calling back."
"you're welcome." stacey replied, feeling a little deflated. "say hi to mary anne."
"stacey, i hope you don't mind me saying this," mrs. p went on, "but this whole process was much easier when you were the baby-sitters club."'
and the chapter closes with stacey sighing and saying, "i know, mrs. p. believe me, i know."'
whatever stacey.