Mallory and the Mystery Diary! Part 1!
Greetings, my lovlies, how is everyone? I've been trying to fix my sleep schedule so I got up early today, and since I did all my gardening on Animal Crossing, I figured I might as well get on with my next snark. I was going to do Poor Mallory! first but I saw that this one came first so I thought I should do it in order. And sorry if this is a little short. There's not much happening in it so far. There's stupidity, yeah. This is a BSC book, of course there is. But not much plot is given. But I work with what I got. Well, let's go!
-Song of the Day!-
Chapter 1!
Starts off with the hilarious line 'If only I were thirteen instead of eleven. Life would be a picnic.' Oh, Mal. A two year difference isn't going to change anything. You'll still be ginger, stuck raising your siblings, and the absolute buttmonkey of the series. Mal talks a little about writing in her journal and how it's more interesting than keeping a diary. That's because your life is dull, Mal. But your thoughts are a comedy goldmine. She says she feels like she's been eleven forever. That's because you have. You're stuck in a time warp. She also says she writes in her journal every time she feels-'angry or confused or think I haven’t been treated fairly', so how many journals do you think she goes through a day? I mean, it makes sense. Her parents do treat her wildly unfairly. If only Dee was a snooping mom, she'd see how Mal really feels. But knowing Ann, Mal would probably just get in trouble.
As Mal finishes complaining about her nose, Dee calls her downstairs. She needs her to take a casserole to the McGill ladies who have just moved back to the 'Brook. In a nice bit of horrible writing, she doesn't actually need to take it that minute. So, she just bothered her kid for no reason. Oh, I'm sorry. The reason is so that Mal can exposit while she waits for it to cool. I'll just highlight some things. Such as Mal feeling 'very cool' to be allowed in the BSC. That says a lot. I know K. Ron tries to make it seem like baby-sitting is this great thing, but it doesn't exactly make you cool. She also says she used to be intimidated by K. Ron and that's...alarming. You should have gone with your first instinct, Mal. You would have realised what a bully K. Ron is.
According to Mal, Claudia would never be arrested by the fashion police. Sure, Ann, you keep telling yourself that. I've snarked these books before and I remember things like mixing neon green with red and purple. I remember things like mixing yellow paisley with red stripes. She has worn legit clown outfits but it was okay because she's pretty. I'm sorry, but if you take a pretty person, like say, Chris Hemsworth, and dress him like a colorblind hobo, he's not gonna look good. Doesn't matter how pretty he is.
In the biggest lie ever committed to print, Mal says Dawn is never rude. Right. I think I've snarked more Dawn books then any other member and in every single one of them, she's rude to someone. I know Ann thinks she's just voicing her opinions, but there's a way to do that without being rude. Dawn screamed at someone for not recycling when there were no recycling bins in the area. Dawn went to a burger place and snotted about them serving burgers. Dawn purposely upset Richard because she was mad at Mary Anne. Dawn thought she was too good to admit she was wrong about something, so she psychologically tortured MA rather than admit she was wrong. Dawn is the single most rude person in the world. And the most vile. I hate Dawn!
Chapter 2!
Mal finally gets over to the McGills and doesn't know how to ring the doorbell without dropping the casserole. Uh, you reach out your finger and hit it. It's not that hard, Mal. I tested it myself. I picked up my laptop, stuck a finger out, and poked Jynx in the ear. Or better yet, why not use your big nose to do it? While she's trying to figure that conundrum out, Stacey happens by the front door and lets her in. She leads her inside and tells her to stay awhile, Claudia is already there too. Maureen tells Stacey to take some empty boxes up to the attic, so they all troop up.
Up in the attic, there's a whole mess of junk left over from the previous owners and I've only moved once so, does this happen? Do people really leave behind a bunch of furniture and valuables? When I moved I did leave behind my tv but that's because it was broken and one of those giants from the 80s. But I also knew someone was going to come by and get rid of it. Stacey tries to find room for the boxes and uh, do you think she flattened them first? Because flattened boxes shouldn't be that hard to find space for. She points out an old trunk and says they should get rid of it. Mal pisses her panties because the trunk is 'handsome'. Yup. An 11 year old used the word handsome to describe a trunk. I'd call Ann a dinosaur but I actually like dinosaurs.
Stacey calls Maureen upstairs and she's a Goddamn idiot. Because she thinks they should get rid of the trunk because it's locked. She doesn't think to call a locksmith or even try to jimmy the lock with a hairpin. Nope! Just toss it out! Who cares if it's filled with priceless jewels or something! It's hopeless to try and get it open! Since a locked trunk is nothing but space taking junk in the McGills eyes, Maureen lets Mal have it. I look up antique trunks and they cost several hundred dollars so, Maureen made a sound decision there. Someone's never watched Antiques Roadshow. Mal pays the triplets to take it to her house for her and shoves it at the end of her bed.
Chapter 3!
Mal comes home from school that Monday and is surprised to see that the trunk is still locked. Mal? Trunks can't unlock themselves. I worry about her sometimes. The triplets beg her to let them break the locks but Mal doesn't want to ruin it. They do try to pick the lock but it doesn't work. I'm really worried about Mal that she doesn't even consider a locksmith. Does she think her parents will make her pay for one herself? Well, that's no different then anything else in her life. They made her go halfsies on a ten dollar haircut. At the BSC meeting, nobody can come up with an idea on how to open the trunk. The great idea machine suggests dynamite. Dynamite. Yeah, that's easier than a locksmith. My God, everybody's an idiot.
Chapter 4!
Nope, I don't really care about Dawn sitting at the Barretts. We all know the story about how she's really condescending to Mrs. Barrett for not spending enough time with her kids. When she gets there, Mrs. B is talking to Buddy about how he got a note from his teacher saying he needs help reading. Mrs. B not so subtly tells Dawn about her problem because she knows there's nothing a BSC member can't fix. When she leaves, Dawn tries to help Buddy but he struggles with Dr. Seuss so I think he's gonna need a little more help. Also Dawn, you're not the protag so obviously you're not gonna be the one to solve the problem. This is a nerd's job!
Chapter 5!
On Friday, Mallory still hasn't called a locksmith. She finally deigns to let the triplets break the locks and there's a bunch of antique clothes inside. I look up antique clothes and in good condition, they can be worth well over a thousand dollars. I bet Maureen feels stupid now. Although knowing her, she'd probably think they were worthless too and throw them out. Mal has never watched Antiques Roadshow either, because she lets Vanessa play dress up with the clothes rather then take them somewhere to sell and be able to buy out Claire's like she wants. Besides, she found an old diary in the trunk and is much more interested in that. She decides to save it for later and runs off to a BSC meeting.
-Song of the Day!-
Chapter 1!
Starts off with the hilarious line 'If only I were thirteen instead of eleven. Life would be a picnic.' Oh, Mal. A two year difference isn't going to change anything. You'll still be ginger, stuck raising your siblings, and the absolute buttmonkey of the series. Mal talks a little about writing in her journal and how it's more interesting than keeping a diary. That's because your life is dull, Mal. But your thoughts are a comedy goldmine. She says she feels like she's been eleven forever. That's because you have. You're stuck in a time warp. She also says she writes in her journal every time she feels-'angry or confused or think I haven’t been treated fairly', so how many journals do you think she goes through a day? I mean, it makes sense. Her parents do treat her wildly unfairly. If only Dee was a snooping mom, she'd see how Mal really feels. But knowing Ann, Mal would probably just get in trouble.
As Mal finishes complaining about her nose, Dee calls her downstairs. She needs her to take a casserole to the McGill ladies who have just moved back to the 'Brook. In a nice bit of horrible writing, she doesn't actually need to take it that minute. So, she just bothered her kid for no reason. Oh, I'm sorry. The reason is so that Mal can exposit while she waits for it to cool. I'll just highlight some things. Such as Mal feeling 'very cool' to be allowed in the BSC. That says a lot. I know K. Ron tries to make it seem like baby-sitting is this great thing, but it doesn't exactly make you cool. She also says she used to be intimidated by K. Ron and that's...alarming. You should have gone with your first instinct, Mal. You would have realised what a bully K. Ron is.
According to Mal, Claudia would never be arrested by the fashion police. Sure, Ann, you keep telling yourself that. I've snarked these books before and I remember things like mixing neon green with red and purple. I remember things like mixing yellow paisley with red stripes. She has worn legit clown outfits but it was okay because she's pretty. I'm sorry, but if you take a pretty person, like say, Chris Hemsworth, and dress him like a colorblind hobo, he's not gonna look good. Doesn't matter how pretty he is.
In the biggest lie ever committed to print, Mal says Dawn is never rude. Right. I think I've snarked more Dawn books then any other member and in every single one of them, she's rude to someone. I know Ann thinks she's just voicing her opinions, but there's a way to do that without being rude. Dawn screamed at someone for not recycling when there were no recycling bins in the area. Dawn went to a burger place and snotted about them serving burgers. Dawn purposely upset Richard because she was mad at Mary Anne. Dawn thought she was too good to admit she was wrong about something, so she psychologically tortured MA rather than admit she was wrong. Dawn is the single most rude person in the world. And the most vile. I hate Dawn!
Chapter 2!
Mal finally gets over to the McGills and doesn't know how to ring the doorbell without dropping the casserole. Uh, you reach out your finger and hit it. It's not that hard, Mal. I tested it myself. I picked up my laptop, stuck a finger out, and poked Jynx in the ear. Or better yet, why not use your big nose to do it? While she's trying to figure that conundrum out, Stacey happens by the front door and lets her in. She leads her inside and tells her to stay awhile, Claudia is already there too. Maureen tells Stacey to take some empty boxes up to the attic, so they all troop up.
Up in the attic, there's a whole mess of junk left over from the previous owners and I've only moved once so, does this happen? Do people really leave behind a bunch of furniture and valuables? When I moved I did leave behind my tv but that's because it was broken and one of those giants from the 80s. But I also knew someone was going to come by and get rid of it. Stacey tries to find room for the boxes and uh, do you think she flattened them first? Because flattened boxes shouldn't be that hard to find space for. She points out an old trunk and says they should get rid of it. Mal pisses her panties because the trunk is 'handsome'. Yup. An 11 year old used the word handsome to describe a trunk. I'd call Ann a dinosaur but I actually like dinosaurs.
Stacey calls Maureen upstairs and she's a Goddamn idiot. Because she thinks they should get rid of the trunk because it's locked. She doesn't think to call a locksmith or even try to jimmy the lock with a hairpin. Nope! Just toss it out! Who cares if it's filled with priceless jewels or something! It's hopeless to try and get it open! Since a locked trunk is nothing but space taking junk in the McGills eyes, Maureen lets Mal have it. I look up antique trunks and they cost several hundred dollars so, Maureen made a sound decision there. Someone's never watched Antiques Roadshow. Mal pays the triplets to take it to her house for her and shoves it at the end of her bed.
Chapter 3!
Mal comes home from school that Monday and is surprised to see that the trunk is still locked. Mal? Trunks can't unlock themselves. I worry about her sometimes. The triplets beg her to let them break the locks but Mal doesn't want to ruin it. They do try to pick the lock but it doesn't work. I'm really worried about Mal that she doesn't even consider a locksmith. Does she think her parents will make her pay for one herself? Well, that's no different then anything else in her life. They made her go halfsies on a ten dollar haircut. At the BSC meeting, nobody can come up with an idea on how to open the trunk. The great idea machine suggests dynamite. Dynamite. Yeah, that's easier than a locksmith. My God, everybody's an idiot.
Chapter 4!
Nope, I don't really care about Dawn sitting at the Barretts. We all know the story about how she's really condescending to Mrs. Barrett for not spending enough time with her kids. When she gets there, Mrs. B is talking to Buddy about how he got a note from his teacher saying he needs help reading. Mrs. B not so subtly tells Dawn about her problem because she knows there's nothing a BSC member can't fix. When she leaves, Dawn tries to help Buddy but he struggles with Dr. Seuss so I think he's gonna need a little more help. Also Dawn, you're not the protag so obviously you're not gonna be the one to solve the problem. This is a nerd's job!
Chapter 5!
On Friday, Mallory still hasn't called a locksmith. She finally deigns to let the triplets break the locks and there's a bunch of antique clothes inside. I look up antique clothes and in good condition, they can be worth well over a thousand dollars. I bet Maureen feels stupid now. Although knowing her, she'd probably think they were worthless too and throw them out. Mal has never watched Antiques Roadshow either, because she lets Vanessa play dress up with the clothes rather then take them somewhere to sell and be able to buy out Claire's like she wants. Besides, she found an old diary in the trunk and is much more interested in that. She decides to save it for later and runs off to a BSC meeting.