BSC #30: MARY ANNE AND THE GREAT ROMANCE OR GOING TO THE CHAPEL OF LOVE! THE END!
BSC #30: MARY ANNE AND THE GREAT ROMANCE OR GOING TO THE CHAPEL OF LOVE! THE END!
Hello my peeps! Hope everyone’s having a great day and I want to Thank You all for reading and commenting; it means so much to me and I appreciate every single word from all of you!
It’s time to wrap this book up; I forgot how much simpler snarking a regular book is compared to a Super Special! It’s quite nice, actually! Tomorrow, I might have some different snarks up on my blog; feel free to check them out as well!
Now; without further ado:
Chapter 9:
For SOME reason; the girls have decided to fucking wait ALL FUCKING WEEKEND to tell their friends about the wedding. No, these bitches decide to wait until the Monday BSC meeting. Why this couldn’t be something they told everyone at lunch, I have no fucking clue. STILL.JUST.FUCKING.SNARK.HERE.PEOPLE! STILL.JUST.FUCKING.SNARK.HERE!
So, Mary Anne not only didn’t tell her life-long best friend about the great news; she asks if Logan could come to the meeting, AND DOESN’T TELL K-RON WHY!! ONLY THAT SHE HAS NEWS THAT SHE WANTS EVERYONE TO HEAR AT ONCE!! FUCKING HELL MARY ANNE; THAT IS SOME COLD SHIT!! K-RON’S ONLY BEEN YOUR FRIEND SINCE LIKE FUCKING BIRTH; AND YOU KNOW SHE HANDLES CHANGE BADLY, WHY WOULDN’T YOU TELL HER FIRST? SHE’S GONNA FEEL SHITTY AND LEFT OUT!!
However, any sadness I may have felt for K-Ron gets thrown right out the fucking window; because bitch actually says that Logan being at the meeting ‘isn’t usual club policy, but if he can come, he’s welcome.’
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT CLUB POLICY; HE’S A MEMBER OF THE FUCKING CLUB ISN’T HE? HE’S BEEN AT MEETINGS BEFORE, WE REMEMBER THAT SHIT!! STOP ACTING LIKE BEING PRESIDENT OF A SHITTY BABYSITTING CLUB FUCKING MEANS SOMETHING, K-RON! ANY ONE OF THE OTHER TWATS COULD DO YOUR FUCKING JOB IN A HEARTBEAT, YOU KNOW!
So the meeting comes and Mary Anne and Dawn are acting really excited; like they just found out about the Brazzers webpage or something. K-Ron tells them to calm the fuck down; because this is still a business and K-Ron; I have something for you:
Then if that wasn’t stupid enough; she actually gets all pissy that the news is Mary Anne’s AND Dawn’s; BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT? IT’S NOT LIKE IT’S BEEN ESTABLISHED ENOUGH THAT K-RON WAS JEALOUS OF DAWN ALREADY; EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE FUCKING BOOKS HAS TO POINT IT OUT CONSTANTLY!
The meeting’s called to order and it takes a while for the girls to reveal the news; because let’s face it; this is fucking Stoneybrook and not one parent can go to the potty without a fucking sitter. Finally, Mary Anne’s the one to get to tell the news, because she’s actually the one who knows everyone the best and Dawn as always; should know her fucking place before she’s sentenced to the black hole along with Mal and Jessi. So, Mary Anne reveals that Sharon’s marrying Richard and THE CROWD GOES WILD!!
Except for K-Ron; of course. But, Mary Anne came prepared and slips a note into the back pocket of her jeans; basically saying that K-Ron will always be her first best friend and that she loves her. That would be so sweet if K-Ron wasn’t such an EPIC bitch about this whole thing. I get that she’s sad about not being the only best friend in Mary Anne’s life; but COME ON! THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR THIRTY FUCKING BOOKS NOW AND I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY SUPER SPECIALS AT THIS POINT; LET IT FUCKING GO!!
Mary Anne says that she had hoped that K-Ron found the note before throwing her jeans in the wash and HA HA! GUESS THAT MEANS THE NOTE’S STILL NOT FOUND; K-RON NEVER CHANGES HER FUCKING CLOTHES!! THAT FUCKING THING’S PROBABLY STILL DISINTEGRATING IN HER POCKET!
The meeting goes on; with talk of the wedding interlaced with talk about the Arnold twins and how it’s common for sibs to pick on each other.
K-Ron also says that the girls could be trying to please their parents and how the parents might actually take one or the other girl’s side during a fight; she says that Elizabeth used to side with Watson’s demonic offspring and he used to side with the Thomas kids during a fight.
GEE, COULD ALL THIS BE FORESHADOWING? IT’S TOO SUBTLE!!
The chapter ends with some more celebrating!
Chapter 10:
This is a Karen chapter; so it’s gonna be short. K-Ron sits for her brothers and sisters and Karen throws a motherfucking hissy fit about K-Ron daring to read a book to Emily. Dunno why they couldn’t sit together while K-Ron read to them both; like I do with my nieces, but whatever.
Karen continues to be a fucking brat about Emily grabbing all the attention and never have I wanted to smack a child more. AT LEAST EMILY’S GETTING SOME ATTENTION FOR ONCE; AND SHE’S ONLY TWO YEARS OLD!! NOT ALL BABIES ARE AS ‘GIFTED’ AS THE PERKINS GIRLS. She even gets Emily in trouble for something that she, herself did. AND IF YOU THINK KAREN GETS PUNISHED FOR IT ONCE SHE TELLS THE TRUTH; THIS MUST BE YOUR FIRST TIME HERE!!
Anyway, she gives Emily all her old toys and Charlie comes home with a car that David Michael gets pissy about not being able to ride and then gets his own ride. Or some such shit; I tend to blank out with Karen’s chapters.
Here’s something better instead:
Chapter 11:
That weekend; the girls have dinner with the happy couple to discuss the wedding. The girls are excited that they get to be involved at all; and Mary Anne has a Doug Funnie type fantasy about the type of bridesmaid’s dresses they can wear. She wants this long, pink dress with a lace collar and a straw hat. So basically this:
Or this:
YOU KNOW, THE TYPE OF DRESS YOU END UP HATING IN THAT SUPER SPECIAL?!
Anyway, they order in Chinese food: cold sesame noodles, eggplant in garlic sauce, sweet and sour pork, and Imperial Vegetables Oriental. What no fried rice, egg rolls or lo mein? They get to talking about the wedding and before the adults can even a word out; the girls completely take over; talking about churches; the type of bride’s dress, flowers and such. WHAT THE FUCK? THIS ISN’T YOUR FUCKING WEDDING LADIES; IT’S THE ADULTS IN THE ROOM! FUCKING HELL; THESE BITCHES EVEN TALK ABOUT WHERE THE FUCKING RECEPTION SHOULD BE HELD AND WHICH OF THE CLIENTS CAN BE FLOWER GIRL? THAT’S RIGHT; THEY MENTION MYRIAH OR GABBIE PERKINS OR CLAIRE OR MARGO PIKE BEING THE FLOWER GIRL!! THERE’S PUTTING IN YOUR INPUT AND THEN THERE’S TAKING OVER!!
The parents are shocked and basically tell them to calm the fuck down; it’s their wedding and they’ll do whatever the fuck they want; even if it’s naked skydiving! Turns out they just want a small wedding and Mary Anne actually brings up Elizabeth and Watson’s batshit insane wedding. Richard tells her that just because Elizabeth’s completely fucking whacked and just had to have a big fucking wedding and drive everyone crazy in the process; him and Sharon rather save the money for the kid’s college educations. FINALLY, SOME SENSE!!
They tell the kids that they’re getting married in the courthouse and going out to dinner with them and Jeff afterwards. The kids strong-arm them into having a small wedding in a church and a small dinner for a few people; because of course the BSC Cult has to be involved somehow. Fucking Hell; GIRLS THIS WAS NOT YOUR FUCKING WEDDING! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH A SMALL CIVIL CEREMONY AND A SMALL DINNER; WHY MUST EVERYTHING INCLUDE THOSE ASSHOLES YOU CALL FRIENDS?! I WOULD HAVE TOLD THESE BITCHES THAT UNLESS THEY’RE THE ONES PAYING FOR THE CHURCH AND ALL THEIR FRIENDS TO COME EAT; THEY CAN KISS MY ASS AND SHUT THE FUCK UP; CAUSE I’LL BE DAMNED IF I’M FEEDING ALL THOSE TWATS!
The most sensible thing that is said here is Richard saying that they don’t want wedding gifts or a cake. AND WHY SHOULD THEY, THEY’VE DONE THIS BEFORE! THEY ALREADY HAVE EVERYTHING THEY NEED! The happy couple tells them that they’re only going away overnight for a honeymoon; so they fuck loud like wildebeest without worrying about anyone hearing them.
They promise a family vacation in the summer though, and WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT TURNS OUT ALREADY!!
The girls go upstairs to chat and Dawn spills the beans about Mary Anne and Richard moving into her house after the wedding. WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE…
NO ONE FUCKING TOLD MARY ANNE ABOUT MOVING OUT OF THE ONLY HOME SHE’S EVER KNOWN!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT, DAWN KNEW BEFORE SHE DID?! AND DAWN JUST HAPPENS TO CASUALLY MENTION THAT THEY SHOULD SHARE A ROOM IN HER HOUSE?! WHO HERE THINKS THAT BITCH DID THAT ON PURPOSE; JUST TO BE A TWAT?! HANDS:
THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT!
Chapter 12:
So of course, Mary Anne’s completely fucking PISSED about having to move into Unholy Hosebeast’s house. Especially since the decision was made without her knowledge or anything. She actually acts like a normal teenager here; wondering about where the furniture would go or if Tigger’s even welcome in the new place. And Dawn’s just sitting; wondering what the fuck just happened; because for once, BITCH DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG!! RICHARD SHOULD’VE BEEN TOLD MARY ANNE ALREADY!
The parents come in then, so Mary Anne just flips the fuck out on Richard and Sharon; basically saying she’ll be damned if she’s getting rid of Tigger and she hates this fucking idea. Sharon and Dawn leave; and Richard tells Mary Anne that they have to move because the house is bigger and that Tigger’s not going anywhere. Mary Anne has a good cry about it and her dad comforts her.
The next day; Mary Anne babysits for the twins again and once again; the room’s divided and the parents appear to still be doing nothing about it. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR…..
SUPER SITTER!!
I’m not even kidding; Mary Anne comes in and tells them that they should have their own rooms. Mama Arnold comes home; the twins ask her and it’s agreed that the girls can have their own rooms. WHY THE FUCK DID THIS SHIT DRAG OUT FOR THE WHOLE BOOK? AND WHY, IF THERE’S LOTS OF ROOMS, DID THESE GIRLS HAVE TO FUCKING SHARE? And I have to laugh at Mama saying that their room is ‘so cute now’; BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING EIGHT NOT BABIES!! LET THEM GET NEW STUFF!! IF YOU WANTED TWO DOLLS, YOU SHOULDA GOTTEN TWO FUCKING DOLLS!!
Chapter 13:
Now Stacey’s the one babysitting for the twins and apparently TWO WHOLE ROOMS COULD BE DECORATED AND MOVED INTO IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS!! MAMA ARNOLD SHOULD WORK FOR ONE OF THOSE HOME DÉCOR REALITY SHOWS!
So, Marilyn’s got the small fucking room that’s all decorated with yellow and Stacey fucking snots that it’s dull. ONCE AGAIN, FUCK YOU PRINCESS! Carolyn’s room is bigger and decorated with all cat stuff; cat pillows and a cat garbage pail; complete with ears and a tail. The twins are happy and they get along better and Marilyn even gets a chance to be in the Cool Kids Club; provided she’s not too bossy for three meetings. The girls ask if Gozzie wants to join; but she doesn’t like clubs. Truth is; Marilyn just fake killed her fake friend and now everyone’s happy. Although, Mary Anne’s the only moron who thought Gozzie was a real person.
Chapter 14:
With less than a week to go; everyone’s getting excited. The girls decide to call their new parents by their first names and decided to spilt up the furniture for the new place; so everything’s going well. That gets shot to Hell; because dumbasses decide to share a fucking room. Guess they didn’t learn shit from the twins. Whatever, I don’t gotta worry about that until next week when I snark the next book.
Mary Anne asks about the whole ‘Something old, something new’ saying and we learn that Sharon’s wearing an old brooch, borrowing her mother’s necklace and wearing blue sapphire earrings; but has yet to find something new. Maybe we’ll have to hear all about her undies, like we did with Elizabeth. FUCKING HELL!
So with less than a week to go; NOW’S THE FUCKING TIME THESE STUPID TWATS DECIDE TO GO AND BUY NEW DRESSES! MORONS! They go all over the mall; even Zingy’s, where Sharon has a fucking heart attack about all the punk clothing. Then they go to; where else? LAURA FUCKING ASHLEY were Dawn gets the sailor dress and Mary Anne asks to borrow that flower dress from before and Sharon already has her wedding dress; a pink dress with a drop waist; so everyone’s set!
Jeff comes in from Cali and he’s all stiff and formal; probably because he barely knows Richard. They have dinner and Jeff mentions that Jack in Cali takes him to games all the time and Richard cringes; because how dare Jack! How dare a father spend time with his son! Then Jeff drops the bomb about Carol and Sharon cringes; because it AIN’T LIKE THE BITCH ISN’T GETTING REMARRIED IN A COUPLE OF DAYS OR ANYTHING!! FUCK ME; THESE PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES!
The chapter ends with the girls all happy about sharing a room and
Chapter 15:
THAT’S RIGHT; WE’RE GOING TO THE CHAPEL BITCHES!!
Mary Anne wakes up excited about everything and Claudia comes over to help her get ready. Claudia puts just a little makeup on Mary Anne and sets her hair in a French Braid; and Mary Anne thinks about how she can’t wait to have Sharon as a stepmom and my allergies start acting up. Richard sees her and they have an awesome father/daughter moment where he gives Mary Anne her mother’s pearl necklace to keep. He felt that today was more appropriate than her sixteenth birthday and GODDAMN YOU ALLERGIES!
The wedding happens and poor Mary Anne cries all her makeup off; because that bitch Claudia’s never heard of fucking waterproof mascara before. Fuck, I barely wear makeup and even I made sure I wore that for my wedding. She stops crying because the triplets act like complete assholes and giggle out a stained glass angel that’s barely dressed. SERIOUSLY? CAN THERE EVER BE A FUCKING WEDDING IN THESE BOOKS WHERE KIDS DON’T ACT LIKE FUCKING BRATS?!
The end of the ceremony comes and Mary Anne about clutches her fucking pearls at Richard kissing Sharon. WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN AT THE END OF THE WEDDING? AND SHE’S SEEN ELIZABETH AND WATSON DO THIS SHIT ALREADY; SO THIS REALLY FUCKING BAFFLES ME!
At the restaurant; we hear that Sharon in fact, did get new undies.
DO WE HAVE TO READ ABOUT THAT?
Mary Anne says that her and Dawn are gonna spend one last night in her own house; and notices that Richard offers some veal to Sharon and is upset that she refuses it. Well, DUH! SHE DOESN’T EAT MEAT, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT?! Dawn and Jeff bitch that there weren’t enough vegetarian dishes AND DEAR GOD! SHUT THE FUCK UP; THERE’S SOME THERE SO JUST PICK ONE!! Then there’s bitching about Tigger and his litter box and
IF YOU JUST GOT MARRIED AND YOU’RE ALREADY FINDING SHIT TO BITCH ABOUT LESS THAN A FUCKING HOUR LATER; YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!
Dawn gives Mary Anne a ‘Now-We’re-Sisters’ present’ and it’s a sliver barrette. This will be completely retconned in the next book; but I’ll cover it then.
NOW IT’S TIME FOR THE BOUQUET TOSS!! A hush falls over the crowd as the women gather and the flowers are tossed. Who will catch it; Dawn or Mary Anne? They both leap for it and….
Well fuck.
I hope you all enjoyed this, Thanks for reading and commenting and I’ll see you guys soon! Next week: Dawn’s Wicked Stepsister, followed by Jessi and the Bad Babysitter and Claudia’s Middle School Mystery!
Hello my peeps! Hope everyone’s having a great day and I want to Thank You all for reading and commenting; it means so much to me and I appreciate every single word from all of you!
It’s time to wrap this book up; I forgot how much simpler snarking a regular book is compared to a Super Special! It’s quite nice, actually! Tomorrow, I might have some different snarks up on my blog; feel free to check them out as well!
Now; without further ado:
Click to viewChapter 9:
For SOME reason; the girls have decided to fucking wait ALL FUCKING WEEKEND to tell their friends about the wedding. No, these bitches decide to wait until the Monday BSC meeting. Why this couldn’t be something they told everyone at lunch, I have no fucking clue. STILL.JUST.FUCKING.SNARK.HERE.PEOPLE! STILL.JUST.FUCKING.SNARK.HERE!
So, Mary Anne not only didn’t tell her life-long best friend about the great news; she asks if Logan could come to the meeting, AND DOESN’T TELL K-RON WHY!! ONLY THAT SHE HAS NEWS THAT SHE WANTS EVERYONE TO HEAR AT ONCE!! FUCKING HELL MARY ANNE; THAT IS SOME COLD SHIT!! K-RON’S ONLY BEEN YOUR FRIEND SINCE LIKE FUCKING BIRTH; AND YOU KNOW SHE HANDLES CHANGE BADLY, WHY WOULDN’T YOU TELL HER FIRST? SHE’S GONNA FEEL SHITTY AND LEFT OUT!!
However, any sadness I may have felt for K-Ron gets thrown right out the fucking window; because bitch actually says that Logan being at the meeting ‘isn’t usual club policy, but if he can come, he’s welcome.’
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT CLUB POLICY; HE’S A MEMBER OF THE FUCKING CLUB ISN’T HE? HE’S BEEN AT MEETINGS BEFORE, WE REMEMBER THAT SHIT!! STOP ACTING LIKE BEING PRESIDENT OF A SHITTY BABYSITTING CLUB FUCKING MEANS SOMETHING, K-RON! ANY ONE OF THE OTHER TWATS COULD DO YOUR FUCKING JOB IN A HEARTBEAT, YOU KNOW!
So the meeting comes and Mary Anne and Dawn are acting really excited; like they just found out about the Brazzers webpage or something. K-Ron tells them to calm the fuck down; because this is still a business and K-Ron; I have something for you:
Then if that wasn’t stupid enough; she actually gets all pissy that the news is Mary Anne’s AND Dawn’s; BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT? IT’S NOT LIKE IT’S BEEN ESTABLISHED ENOUGH THAT K-RON WAS JEALOUS OF DAWN ALREADY; EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE FUCKING BOOKS HAS TO POINT IT OUT CONSTANTLY!
The meeting’s called to order and it takes a while for the girls to reveal the news; because let’s face it; this is fucking Stoneybrook and not one parent can go to the potty without a fucking sitter. Finally, Mary Anne’s the one to get to tell the news, because she’s actually the one who knows everyone the best and Dawn as always; should know her fucking place before she’s sentenced to the black hole along with Mal and Jessi. So, Mary Anne reveals that Sharon’s marrying Richard and THE CROWD GOES WILD!!
Except for K-Ron; of course. But, Mary Anne came prepared and slips a note into the back pocket of her jeans; basically saying that K-Ron will always be her first best friend and that she loves her. That would be so sweet if K-Ron wasn’t such an EPIC bitch about this whole thing. I get that she’s sad about not being the only best friend in Mary Anne’s life; but COME ON! THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR THIRTY FUCKING BOOKS NOW AND I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY SUPER SPECIALS AT THIS POINT; LET IT FUCKING GO!!
Mary Anne says that she had hoped that K-Ron found the note before throwing her jeans in the wash and HA HA! GUESS THAT MEANS THE NOTE’S STILL NOT FOUND; K-RON NEVER CHANGES HER FUCKING CLOTHES!! THAT FUCKING THING’S PROBABLY STILL DISINTEGRATING IN HER POCKET!
The meeting goes on; with talk of the wedding interlaced with talk about the Arnold twins and how it’s common for sibs to pick on each other.
K-Ron also says that the girls could be trying to please their parents and how the parents might actually take one or the other girl’s side during a fight; she says that Elizabeth used to side with Watson’s demonic offspring and he used to side with the Thomas kids during a fight.
GEE, COULD ALL THIS BE FORESHADOWING? IT’S TOO SUBTLE!!
The chapter ends with some more celebrating!
Chapter 10:
This is a Karen chapter; so it’s gonna be short. K-Ron sits for her brothers and sisters and Karen throws a motherfucking hissy fit about K-Ron daring to read a book to Emily. Dunno why they couldn’t sit together while K-Ron read to them both; like I do with my nieces, but whatever.
Karen continues to be a fucking brat about Emily grabbing all the attention and never have I wanted to smack a child more. AT LEAST EMILY’S GETTING SOME ATTENTION FOR ONCE; AND SHE’S ONLY TWO YEARS OLD!! NOT ALL BABIES ARE AS ‘GIFTED’ AS THE PERKINS GIRLS. She even gets Emily in trouble for something that she, herself did. AND IF YOU THINK KAREN GETS PUNISHED FOR IT ONCE SHE TELLS THE TRUTH; THIS MUST BE YOUR FIRST TIME HERE!!
Anyway, she gives Emily all her old toys and Charlie comes home with a car that David Michael gets pissy about not being able to ride and then gets his own ride. Or some such shit; I tend to blank out with Karen’s chapters.
Here’s something better instead:
Chapter 11:
That weekend; the girls have dinner with the happy couple to discuss the wedding. The girls are excited that they get to be involved at all; and Mary Anne has a Doug Funnie type fantasy about the type of bridesmaid’s dresses they can wear. She wants this long, pink dress with a lace collar and a straw hat. So basically this:
Or this:
YOU KNOW, THE TYPE OF DRESS YOU END UP HATING IN THAT SUPER SPECIAL?!
Anyway, they order in Chinese food: cold sesame noodles, eggplant in garlic sauce, sweet and sour pork, and Imperial Vegetables Oriental. What no fried rice, egg rolls or lo mein? They get to talking about the wedding and before the adults can even a word out; the girls completely take over; talking about churches; the type of bride’s dress, flowers and such. WHAT THE FUCK? THIS ISN’T YOUR FUCKING WEDDING LADIES; IT’S THE ADULTS IN THE ROOM! FUCKING HELL; THESE BITCHES EVEN TALK ABOUT WHERE THE FUCKING RECEPTION SHOULD BE HELD AND WHICH OF THE CLIENTS CAN BE FLOWER GIRL? THAT’S RIGHT; THEY MENTION MYRIAH OR GABBIE PERKINS OR CLAIRE OR MARGO PIKE BEING THE FLOWER GIRL!! THERE’S PUTTING IN YOUR INPUT AND THEN THERE’S TAKING OVER!!
The parents are shocked and basically tell them to calm the fuck down; it’s their wedding and they’ll do whatever the fuck they want; even if it’s naked skydiving! Turns out they just want a small wedding and Mary Anne actually brings up Elizabeth and Watson’s batshit insane wedding. Richard tells her that just because Elizabeth’s completely fucking whacked and just had to have a big fucking wedding and drive everyone crazy in the process; him and Sharon rather save the money for the kid’s college educations. FINALLY, SOME SENSE!!
They tell the kids that they’re getting married in the courthouse and going out to dinner with them and Jeff afterwards. The kids strong-arm them into having a small wedding in a church and a small dinner for a few people; because of course the BSC Cult has to be involved somehow. Fucking Hell; GIRLS THIS WAS NOT YOUR FUCKING WEDDING! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH A SMALL CIVIL CEREMONY AND A SMALL DINNER; WHY MUST EVERYTHING INCLUDE THOSE ASSHOLES YOU CALL FRIENDS?! I WOULD HAVE TOLD THESE BITCHES THAT UNLESS THEY’RE THE ONES PAYING FOR THE CHURCH AND ALL THEIR FRIENDS TO COME EAT; THEY CAN KISS MY ASS AND SHUT THE FUCK UP; CAUSE I’LL BE DAMNED IF I’M FEEDING ALL THOSE TWATS!
The most sensible thing that is said here is Richard saying that they don’t want wedding gifts or a cake. AND WHY SHOULD THEY, THEY’VE DONE THIS BEFORE! THEY ALREADY HAVE EVERYTHING THEY NEED! The happy couple tells them that they’re only going away overnight for a honeymoon; so they fuck loud like wildebeest without worrying about anyone hearing them.
They promise a family vacation in the summer though, and WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT TURNS OUT ALREADY!!
The girls go upstairs to chat and Dawn spills the beans about Mary Anne and Richard moving into her house after the wedding. WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE…
NO ONE FUCKING TOLD MARY ANNE ABOUT MOVING OUT OF THE ONLY HOME SHE’S EVER KNOWN!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT, DAWN KNEW BEFORE SHE DID?! AND DAWN JUST HAPPENS TO CASUALLY MENTION THAT THEY SHOULD SHARE A ROOM IN HER HOUSE?! WHO HERE THINKS THAT BITCH DID THAT ON PURPOSE; JUST TO BE A TWAT?! HANDS:
THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT!
Chapter 12:
So of course, Mary Anne’s completely fucking PISSED about having to move into Unholy Hosebeast’s house. Especially since the decision was made without her knowledge or anything. She actually acts like a normal teenager here; wondering about where the furniture would go or if Tigger’s even welcome in the new place. And Dawn’s just sitting; wondering what the fuck just happened; because for once, BITCH DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG!! RICHARD SHOULD’VE BEEN TOLD MARY ANNE ALREADY!
The parents come in then, so Mary Anne just flips the fuck out on Richard and Sharon; basically saying she’ll be damned if she’s getting rid of Tigger and she hates this fucking idea. Sharon and Dawn leave; and Richard tells Mary Anne that they have to move because the house is bigger and that Tigger’s not going anywhere. Mary Anne has a good cry about it and her dad comforts her.
The next day; Mary Anne babysits for the twins again and once again; the room’s divided and the parents appear to still be doing nothing about it. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR…..
SUPER SITTER!!
I’m not even kidding; Mary Anne comes in and tells them that they should have their own rooms. Mama Arnold comes home; the twins ask her and it’s agreed that the girls can have their own rooms. WHY THE FUCK DID THIS SHIT DRAG OUT FOR THE WHOLE BOOK? AND WHY, IF THERE’S LOTS OF ROOMS, DID THESE GIRLS HAVE TO FUCKING SHARE? And I have to laugh at Mama saying that their room is ‘so cute now’; BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING EIGHT NOT BABIES!! LET THEM GET NEW STUFF!! IF YOU WANTED TWO DOLLS, YOU SHOULDA GOTTEN TWO FUCKING DOLLS!!
Chapter 13:
Now Stacey’s the one babysitting for the twins and apparently TWO WHOLE ROOMS COULD BE DECORATED AND MOVED INTO IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS!! MAMA ARNOLD SHOULD WORK FOR ONE OF THOSE HOME DÉCOR REALITY SHOWS!
So, Marilyn’s got the small fucking room that’s all decorated with yellow and Stacey fucking snots that it’s dull. ONCE AGAIN, FUCK YOU PRINCESS! Carolyn’s room is bigger and decorated with all cat stuff; cat pillows and a cat garbage pail; complete with ears and a tail. The twins are happy and they get along better and Marilyn even gets a chance to be in the Cool Kids Club; provided she’s not too bossy for three meetings. The girls ask if Gozzie wants to join; but she doesn’t like clubs. Truth is; Marilyn just fake killed her fake friend and now everyone’s happy. Although, Mary Anne’s the only moron who thought Gozzie was a real person.
Chapter 14:
With less than a week to go; everyone’s getting excited. The girls decide to call their new parents by their first names and decided to spilt up the furniture for the new place; so everything’s going well. That gets shot to Hell; because dumbasses decide to share a fucking room. Guess they didn’t learn shit from the twins. Whatever, I don’t gotta worry about that until next week when I snark the next book.
Mary Anne asks about the whole ‘Something old, something new’ saying and we learn that Sharon’s wearing an old brooch, borrowing her mother’s necklace and wearing blue sapphire earrings; but has yet to find something new. Maybe we’ll have to hear all about her undies, like we did with Elizabeth. FUCKING HELL!
So with less than a week to go; NOW’S THE FUCKING TIME THESE STUPID TWATS DECIDE TO GO AND BUY NEW DRESSES! MORONS! They go all over the mall; even Zingy’s, where Sharon has a fucking heart attack about all the punk clothing. Then they go to; where else? LAURA FUCKING ASHLEY were Dawn gets the sailor dress and Mary Anne asks to borrow that flower dress from before and Sharon already has her wedding dress; a pink dress with a drop waist; so everyone’s set!
Jeff comes in from Cali and he’s all stiff and formal; probably because he barely knows Richard. They have dinner and Jeff mentions that Jack in Cali takes him to games all the time and Richard cringes; because how dare Jack! How dare a father spend time with his son! Then Jeff drops the bomb about Carol and Sharon cringes; because it AIN’T LIKE THE BITCH ISN’T GETTING REMARRIED IN A COUPLE OF DAYS OR ANYTHING!! FUCK ME; THESE PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES!
The chapter ends with the girls all happy about sharing a room and
Chapter 15:
THAT’S RIGHT; WE’RE GOING TO THE CHAPEL BITCHES!!
Mary Anne wakes up excited about everything and Claudia comes over to help her get ready. Claudia puts just a little makeup on Mary Anne and sets her hair in a French Braid; and Mary Anne thinks about how she can’t wait to have Sharon as a stepmom and my allergies start acting up. Richard sees her and they have an awesome father/daughter moment where he gives Mary Anne her mother’s pearl necklace to keep. He felt that today was more appropriate than her sixteenth birthday and GODDAMN YOU ALLERGIES!
The wedding happens and poor Mary Anne cries all her makeup off; because that bitch Claudia’s never heard of fucking waterproof mascara before. Fuck, I barely wear makeup and even I made sure I wore that for my wedding. She stops crying because the triplets act like complete assholes and giggle out a stained glass angel that’s barely dressed. SERIOUSLY? CAN THERE EVER BE A FUCKING WEDDING IN THESE BOOKS WHERE KIDS DON’T ACT LIKE FUCKING BRATS?!
The end of the ceremony comes and Mary Anne about clutches her fucking pearls at Richard kissing Sharon. WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN AT THE END OF THE WEDDING? AND SHE’S SEEN ELIZABETH AND WATSON DO THIS SHIT ALREADY; SO THIS REALLY FUCKING BAFFLES ME!
At the restaurant; we hear that Sharon in fact, did get new undies.
DO WE HAVE TO READ ABOUT THAT?
Mary Anne says that her and Dawn are gonna spend one last night in her own house; and notices that Richard offers some veal to Sharon and is upset that she refuses it. Well, DUH! SHE DOESN’T EAT MEAT, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT?! Dawn and Jeff bitch that there weren’t enough vegetarian dishes AND DEAR GOD! SHUT THE FUCK UP; THERE’S SOME THERE SO JUST PICK ONE!! Then there’s bitching about Tigger and his litter box and
IF YOU JUST GOT MARRIED AND YOU’RE ALREADY FINDING SHIT TO BITCH ABOUT LESS THAN A FUCKING HOUR LATER; YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!
Dawn gives Mary Anne a ‘Now-We’re-Sisters’ present’ and it’s a sliver barrette. This will be completely retconned in the next book; but I’ll cover it then.
NOW IT’S TIME FOR THE BOUQUET TOSS!! A hush falls over the crowd as the women gather and the flowers are tossed. Who will catch it; Dawn or Mary Anne? They both leap for it and….
Well fuck.
I hope you all enjoyed this, Thanks for reading and commenting and I’ll see you guys soon! Next week: Dawn’s Wicked Stepsister, followed by Jessi and the Bad Babysitter and Claudia’s Middle School Mystery!