The All-New Mallory Pike, Chapters 1-3
Long time reader, first time poster here. You may know me for my blog, where my BSC nonsense usually goes, but recently I have been wanting to talk about the books in a longer format, hence snarking.
The All-New Mallory Pike is a book near and dear to my heart, since I went to boarding school my junior and senior year of high school. I loved boarding school, except for one aspect: having a roommate. As an introvert who really needs her space, this was not easy for me. The presence of a roommate was actually physically stressful for me. This may make me sound like an asshole who can't share space or get along with people. This is probably true, although I have spent many years working on getting my INTJ brain to like people more.
So although I think we are supposed to either dislike or pity her, I empathize with Alexis DeCamp. In both my junior year of high school and my freshman year of college (we had singles after that unless you were unlucky), I was given special permission to live in a single because I was just that big of a bitch. And everyone was happier.
Now that the personal confessions portion of the snark is done, let's move onto the cover. Mallory looks more like an eleven-year-old nerd than she ever has before. Where are your hands, Mallory? Why are you wearing the triplets' soccer warmup suit with Kristy's turtleneck underneath? That is not how you make a good impression on your new friends.
In the book, Riverbend is described as a cluster of white houses with green shutters. The school depicted on the cover looks more like what I picture SMS to look like: three stories, red brick. Or maybe I'm confusing SMS with John Adams High on Boy Meets World.
I never realized how much Mallory resembled Cory Matthews!
The font Riverbend chose for their sign can only be described as tragic. I am not sure why Hodges just didn't paint a nice sign instead of having Scholastic photoshop one on.
Now for the book itself.
The first and second chapters are basically one extended chapter two. Mallory is writing in her journal, and daydreaming about what life in Stoneybrook would be like without her.
First, she goes over what dinner at the Pikes's house would be like without her. In short, everyone misbehaves and the Pike parents don't do shit. Basically, all they do, in Mallory's fantasy, is tell people to chew with their mouth closed and use napkins.
But if MALLORY had been there, she would have gotten Byron to stop slurping his spaghetti, given Vanessa rhyme suggestions, and gotten Nicky to stop grossing out Margo. In short, she would have done the things that the Pike parents were supposed to do.
I briefly considered why the Pikes didn't use the buddy system, like the Duggars. And then I realized: Mallory is everyone's buddy. No wonder she left.
Then Mallory moves onto SMS, which is depressing. She goes over the "Spaz Girl" plot line. Her teachers are sad. She also goes over her sixth-grade highlights, of which there are a suspicious amount, since this is supposed to take place in January and Spaz Girl happened four books ago. She managed to write a play, win an award, and be elected secretary of her class in one semester. The book makes it seem like secretary was a short-term thing. Oh, the wonders of the time warp.
Chapter Two frames the BSC introductions as, of course, a meeting after Mallory leaves. Kristy is worried about turning down clients. Mary Anne cries. Abby notices that there are less entries in the club notebook and that no one laughs at her stupid jokes anymore, because Mal was the only one who did. Claudia wants to send Mallory junk food. Stacey is concerned about club finances. Jessi is alone on the floor.
Mallory reviews all the fun times she had with the club, including their numerous vacations. Which, of course, sounds weird when you consider that she joined the club in sixth grade and it's only January.
Chapter Three is an actual meeting, and it is boring. They make Mallory an honorary member. Jessi and Mallory try to come up with a secret code for their emails to one another. They are probably concerned about NSA spying. The sitters laugh about just how big of assholes they were when Mallory wanted to join their club, and how they only let Mal and Jessi join because they were concerned about losing clients to them. They also go over Mal's baby-sitting accomplishments, aka all the times an awkward eleven-year-old did the parenting parents were supposed to do. What will Stoneybrook do without Mallory Pike to act as a parent? All of the kids will be running amok in their underwear as soon as the Pikes' car pulls away.
At the end of the meeting, everyone very obviously rushes out. Mallory, of course, doesn't realize that they have planned a surprised going-away party at the Pikes' house. Mallory cries and feels loved.
So those are the first three chapters. Soon we will get to Riverbend, and then the fun will really begin and everyone will stop being sad about Mallory because they will become too concerned with taking over the real estate she vacated.
The All-New Mallory Pike is a book near and dear to my heart, since I went to boarding school my junior and senior year of high school. I loved boarding school, except for one aspect: having a roommate. As an introvert who really needs her space, this was not easy for me. The presence of a roommate was actually physically stressful for me. This may make me sound like an asshole who can't share space or get along with people. This is probably true, although I have spent many years working on getting my INTJ brain to like people more.
So although I think we are supposed to either dislike or pity her, I empathize with Alexis DeCamp. In both my junior year of high school and my freshman year of college (we had singles after that unless you were unlucky), I was given special permission to live in a single because I was just that big of a bitch. And everyone was happier.
Now that the personal confessions portion of the snark is done, let's move onto the cover. Mallory looks more like an eleven-year-old nerd than she ever has before. Where are your hands, Mallory? Why are you wearing the triplets' soccer warmup suit with Kristy's turtleneck underneath? That is not how you make a good impression on your new friends.
In the book, Riverbend is described as a cluster of white houses with green shutters. The school depicted on the cover looks more like what I picture SMS to look like: three stories, red brick. Or maybe I'm confusing SMS with John Adams High on Boy Meets World.
I never realized how much Mallory resembled Cory Matthews!
The font Riverbend chose for their sign can only be described as tragic. I am not sure why Hodges just didn't paint a nice sign instead of having Scholastic photoshop one on.
Now for the book itself.
The first and second chapters are basically one extended chapter two. Mallory is writing in her journal, and daydreaming about what life in Stoneybrook would be like without her.
First, she goes over what dinner at the Pikes's house would be like without her. In short, everyone misbehaves and the Pike parents don't do shit. Basically, all they do, in Mallory's fantasy, is tell people to chew with their mouth closed and use napkins.
But if MALLORY had been there, she would have gotten Byron to stop slurping his spaghetti, given Vanessa rhyme suggestions, and gotten Nicky to stop grossing out Margo. In short, she would have done the things that the Pike parents were supposed to do.
I briefly considered why the Pikes didn't use the buddy system, like the Duggars. And then I realized: Mallory is everyone's buddy. No wonder she left.
Then Mallory moves onto SMS, which is depressing. She goes over the "Spaz Girl" plot line. Her teachers are sad. She also goes over her sixth-grade highlights, of which there are a suspicious amount, since this is supposed to take place in January and Spaz Girl happened four books ago. She managed to write a play, win an award, and be elected secretary of her class in one semester. The book makes it seem like secretary was a short-term thing. Oh, the wonders of the time warp.
Chapter Two frames the BSC introductions as, of course, a meeting after Mallory leaves. Kristy is worried about turning down clients. Mary Anne cries. Abby notices that there are less entries in the club notebook and that no one laughs at her stupid jokes anymore, because Mal was the only one who did. Claudia wants to send Mallory junk food. Stacey is concerned about club finances. Jessi is alone on the floor.
Mallory reviews all the fun times she had with the club, including their numerous vacations. Which, of course, sounds weird when you consider that she joined the club in sixth grade and it's only January.
Chapter Three is an actual meeting, and it is boring. They make Mallory an honorary member. Jessi and Mallory try to come up with a secret code for their emails to one another. They are probably concerned about NSA spying. The sitters laugh about just how big of assholes they were when Mallory wanted to join their club, and how they only let Mal and Jessi join because they were concerned about losing clients to them. They also go over Mal's baby-sitting accomplishments, aka all the times an awkward eleven-year-old did the parenting parents were supposed to do. What will Stoneybrook do without Mallory Pike to act as a parent? All of the kids will be running amok in their underwear as soon as the Pikes' car pulls away.
At the end of the meeting, everyone very obviously rushes out. Mallory, of course, doesn't realize that they have planned a surprised going-away party at the Pikes' house. Mallory cries and feels loved.
So those are the first three chapters. Soon we will get to Riverbend, and then the fun will really begin and everyone will stop being sad about Mallory because they will become too concerned with taking over the real estate she vacated.