BSC # 15: LITTLE MISS STONEYBROOK…AND DAWN
I THINK THIS BOOK IS RESPONSIBLE FOR TLC’S ENTIRE REALITY SHOW LINEUP!!!! PART 1
I want to preface this by saying that I USUALLY think nothing’s wrong with beauty pageants, per se, but because of dumbass parents like the ones on ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’ or ‘Mama’ June with that disgusting boyfriend who should rot in jail, they usually leave a me with the squicks and shudders. Not that I watch the shows, I just am unlucky enough to get the full report on the web. Especially when the wee ones have to dress ‘sexy’. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Wrong, just wrong.
That being said, this book isn’t bad. It’s more funny, at least that’s how I remember it. Let’s get this party started…..
The cover depicts three girls; who I’m guessing are Sabrina, Mariah, and the ballerina winner. Spoiler’s people!!! Dawn lurks behind the curtain, grinning like the damn Joker, even though she was pissed that Sabrina won. I dunno. The girls are dressed cute, in pink, blue, and green respectively, with tiaras and sashes. Nothing else to say.
Chapter 1:
We open on the club meeting and K-Ron is inducting our favorite tokens: Ginger Stepchild, and The Black Swan. We get the whole club history and I get to skim!! Finally K-Ron gets to start the traditional flogging and Kool-Aid tampering. Dawn’s pissed because she only got a fucking pizza toast when she joined the club; she pissed all the hot flogging and Kool-Aid. No wait, she doesn’t eat sugar, I meant sugar free Cristal Light. Dawn says that the only reason K-Ron didn’t make a big deal when she joined is because she’s jealous that she was friends with Mary Anne. Hey princess, she didn’t induct you because she didn’t induct any of the fucking older members. K-Ron just wants to show off in front of the new butt monkeys.
Before the flogging can begin, Dr. Johanssen calls, asking to speak to Claudia. Everyone gets fucking pissy, instead of thinking that maybe their friend MIGHT be sick or something. No, surely she MUST be stealing one of our precious jobs. Anyway, Claudia takes a job with Charlotte, WITHOUT OFFERING IT TO ANYONE ELSE FIRST!!! And of course, they act like complete fucking bitches about it. I never got just what was the big fucking deal with clients having favorite sitters. The money is still being made, it’s still being put in the goddamn treasury and the client is freaking happy, so who gives a shit?
And the way these bitches act, you’d think they just found out Claudia was the fucking Bay Harbor Butcher or something. this starts a whole ‘who’s more awesome’ Round Robin. K-Ron’s all; ‘I thought of Kid-Kits’, Mary Anne’s all; ‘I saved Jenny’s life when her fever was setting her on fire from the inside out’ and Dawn’s like; ‘Bitch, I really saved two kids from a fucking fire’. And bitch, I bet it was a small grease fire or something. Try standing with your older brother and his three little kids on a fire escape as firemen climb to get you, because his asshole downstairs neighbor left the fucking pot on the stove. Thank God it didn’t spend to his apartment before we got out. So, FUCK YOU BITCH!! YOU AIN’T SPECIAL!!!
Finally, Claudia tells these hoes to calm the fuck down. Charlotte misses Stacey and knows Claudia was her best friend. She just wants to spend time with Claudia. And these girls get more jobs, so who the fuck cares? All I know is; it’s FINALLY TIME FOR THE GODDAMN, MOTHERFUCKING INDUCTION CEREMONY!!!! K-Ron makes the young’uns stand with their hands on the notebook and repeat: ‘I promise to be a good, reliable, and safe sitter, and to be true to the Baby-sitters Club forever-more. Now drink your Kool-Aid and shut the fuck up’. Ok, I made up that last line. Jeez, you’d think after all the hype; they’d really have a bitching ceremony. But no, we get the damn oath that was on all of the fucking Fan Club membership cards. (OH, DON’T ACT LIKE YOU DIDN’T HAVE ONE! I CARRIED MINE IN MY HORSESHOE WALLET. AND NOW I HAVE TO HANG MY HAND IN SHAME.)
By the way, WELCOME TO HELL LADIES!!! YOU ARE FOREVER DOOMING YOURSELVES TO BEING THE BUTTMONKEYS, FOR NOW AND FOREVER-MORE!!! Anyway, six o’clock comes and after Mary Anne wipes away her tears (and bottles them for K-Ron to bathe in later); they all leave, with Dawn ending by saying she wished she never had. OOOOOOO…. Cue the ominous music!!!
h or (Little something from both of my favorite horror franchises. Enjoy!)
Chapter 2:
Dawn goes home and waxes poetic about her house and secret passage and how she and her mom love it. And her brother Jeff hates it. Basically, lately he’s been acting like a little prick at home and at school; he’s always getting into fights and causing problems. He even mouths off to Sharon, telling her that the ink stain on her blouse probably caused people to laugh at her all day. Oh, honey. They were probably laughing at her coming to work stoned off her damn ass. Smack him, Sharon.
So, after a brown rice and vegetable casserole dinner, the teacher calls to tell Sharon that Jeff gave a kid a black eye!! Damn, what did the little bastard do? Especially since you find out, this WASN’T the first black eye he was given. Maybe the little shit keeps fucking with Jeff and he’s defending himself? Anyway, now the teacher is handing it over to Sharon to deal with it.
Before Sharon can start to talk, Jeff tells her that he’s unhappy living in Stoneybrook and misses his dad and he wants to go back to California and live with him. Just for six months.Sorry had to laugh there, because we all know that’s bullshit. Hell, even this book knows. She doesn’t even buy him a return ticket.
Sharon agrees and promises to try to work it out with their dad. After many phone calls, Sharon says they are actively trying to make it work. I honestly don’t know why the fuck Sharon packed her kids up and moved three thousand miles away from everything they have ever known in the first fucking place. This shit wouldn’t be happening now, all I’m saying. Dawn starts acting like a complete bitch, calling Jeff names and saying that he’s selfish for moving. Yea, I want you to remember that in like forty books princess. Sharon and Dawn are sad and chapter’s over, moving on!!!
Chapter 3:
Dawn gets to Claudia’s early for the meeting and Mimi’s there, asking if she wants a cup of tea. Dawn turns her down,L! Bitch, you never turn Mimi down for tea!! She runs upstairs to Claudia’s room, where she’s reading the paper about what crime is going on. Apparently she’s reading The Sun, because a woman was attacked by giant butterflies demanding Twinkies. What…..she made it up? L
Dawn sees an article about the Little Miss Stoneybrook Pageant that is being held for girls, five to eight years old. The winner will move on to the county pageant, then Little Miss Connecticut, Little Miss America, then Little Miss World. Then a stupid fucking TLC show. Whatever, I don’t care.
Claudia reads that the girls will be judged on poise, talent and looks. She makes a face and says that pageants are sexist, people are going to think that the only thing little girls are good at is dressing up, looking cute, and not having a brain. And this is coming from CLAUDIA! The club member known for dressing up and looking cute and being fucking brainless. Fucking Hell, I get what the writers were trying to say, but they could have picked ANY OTHER MEMBER TO CONVEY THIS! FUCKING MARY ANNE, HELL EVEN STACEY COULD HAVE CALLED IN AND SAID THIS!!! NO, INSTEAD YOU PICK THE BRAIN DEAD, FASHIONABLE ONE!! THE ONE WHO WILL ONLY GET BY ON HER LOOKS IN LIFE!!! FUCKING HELL!!!
Dawn claims that she understands what Claudia is saying, but her mom entered her picture in a baby contest in LA and she fucking won!! Because of course she fucking did. Sharon has the look of a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader mom, the ones that will straight up murder those in the way of her daughter winning. And I’m calling bullshit that it was a joke, you know Sharon got high one day and sent the picture in.
K-Ron and Mary Anne come in and of course the tomboy President thinks the pageant is sexist too, while the crybaby thinks it might be ‘glamorous’ to be on stage. And yea…. http://www.buzzfeed.com/erikaid/9-wtf-moments-from-toddlers-and-tiaras-b6f3#.uw79D4QLXMore like batshit insane for these poor girls.
*Side note: I AM NOT AGAINST GROWN ASS WOMEN IN PAGEANTS! HELL, I WANTED TO BE MISS AMERICA WHEN I WAS LITTLE. I AM AGAINST LITTLE GIRLS IN PAGEANTS, BECAUSE I READ ABOUT HOW BATSHIT THESE MOMS ARE!!! I THINK THE ARTICLE ABOVE LISTS MOMS THAT SHOULD BE STERLIZIED BECAUSE MAKING YOUR FIVE LOOK ‘SEXY’ IS SO FUCKING WRONG, THE PARENTS DESERVE FUCKING JAILTIME!!! Just wanted to get that off my chest, thank you.
Moving on:
The new members come in and of course, they think the pageant is sexiest and they emo about how the pageant is sexist and boys never compete for a crown and have they never heard of Mr. Universe? No crown, but still a pageant. I wonder what they would think of GLOW wrestling. Where the ladies compete by wrestling and the prize is a goddamn crown? (I so wanted to be a GLOW girl when I was younger!) Badass women: http://www.poprewind.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/GLOW-1.jpg
Mallory foreshadows this book by saying that she hopes that her sisters don’t hear about the pageant, because then they would want to enter. And what the fuck do you know? They have heard and want to enter and need a coach, because once again, Mrs. Pike can’t be assed to take care of her own fucking kids. Dawn gets the job and after the meeting was done with that whole ‘who’s a more awesome sitter’ thing again: ‘Jenny was burning alive, I tell you!’, ‘Yea, well I caught the Phantom Phone Caller’, ‘ Bitch, that was my book!’ , Dawn says that Mal flipped the fuck out and claims that she will die if her one of her sisters become the winner. Whatever.
That’s the end for now friends! Sorry about the slight delay, next update will be timely. Hope you enjoyed and thank you for reading and commenting!!
I want to preface this by saying that I USUALLY think nothing’s wrong with beauty pageants, per se, but because of dumbass parents like the ones on ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’ or ‘Mama’ June with that disgusting boyfriend who should rot in jail, they usually leave a me with the squicks and shudders. Not that I watch the shows, I just am unlucky enough to get the full report on the web. Especially when the wee ones have to dress ‘sexy’. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Wrong, just wrong.
That being said, this book isn’t bad. It’s more funny, at least that’s how I remember it. Let’s get this party started…..
The cover depicts three girls; who I’m guessing are Sabrina, Mariah, and the ballerina winner. Spoiler’s people!!! Dawn lurks behind the curtain, grinning like the damn Joker, even though she was pissed that Sabrina won. I dunno. The girls are dressed cute, in pink, blue, and green respectively, with tiaras and sashes. Nothing else to say.
Chapter 1:
We open on the club meeting and K-Ron is inducting our favorite tokens: Ginger Stepchild, and The Black Swan. We get the whole club history and I get to skim!! Finally K-Ron gets to start the traditional flogging and Kool-Aid tampering. Dawn’s pissed because she only got a fucking pizza toast when she joined the club; she pissed all the hot flogging and Kool-Aid. No wait, she doesn’t eat sugar, I meant sugar free Cristal Light. Dawn says that the only reason K-Ron didn’t make a big deal when she joined is because she’s jealous that she was friends with Mary Anne. Hey princess, she didn’t induct you because she didn’t induct any of the fucking older members. K-Ron just wants to show off in front of the new butt monkeys.
Before the flogging can begin, Dr. Johanssen calls, asking to speak to Claudia. Everyone gets fucking pissy, instead of thinking that maybe their friend MIGHT be sick or something. No, surely she MUST be stealing one of our precious jobs. Anyway, Claudia takes a job with Charlotte, WITHOUT OFFERING IT TO ANYONE ELSE FIRST!!! And of course, they act like complete fucking bitches about it. I never got just what was the big fucking deal with clients having favorite sitters. The money is still being made, it’s still being put in the goddamn treasury and the client is freaking happy, so who gives a shit?
And the way these bitches act, you’d think they just found out Claudia was the fucking Bay Harbor Butcher or something. this starts a whole ‘who’s more awesome’ Round Robin. K-Ron’s all; ‘I thought of Kid-Kits’, Mary Anne’s all; ‘I saved Jenny’s life when her fever was setting her on fire from the inside out’ and Dawn’s like; ‘Bitch, I really saved two kids from a fucking fire’. And bitch, I bet it was a small grease fire or something. Try standing with your older brother and his three little kids on a fire escape as firemen climb to get you, because his asshole downstairs neighbor left the fucking pot on the stove. Thank God it didn’t spend to his apartment before we got out. So, FUCK YOU BITCH!! YOU AIN’T SPECIAL!!!
Click to viewFinally, Claudia tells these hoes to calm the fuck down. Charlotte misses Stacey and knows Claudia was her best friend. She just wants to spend time with Claudia. And these girls get more jobs, so who the fuck cares? All I know is; it’s FINALLY TIME FOR THE GODDAMN, MOTHERFUCKING INDUCTION CEREMONY!!!! K-Ron makes the young’uns stand with their hands on the notebook and repeat: ‘I promise to be a good, reliable, and safe sitter, and to be true to the Baby-sitters Club forever-more. Now drink your Kool-Aid and shut the fuck up’. Ok, I made up that last line. Jeez, you’d think after all the hype; they’d really have a bitching ceremony. But no, we get the damn oath that was on all of the fucking Fan Club membership cards. (OH, DON’T ACT LIKE YOU DIDN’T HAVE ONE! I CARRIED MINE IN MY HORSESHOE WALLET. AND NOW I HAVE TO HANG MY HAND IN SHAME.)
By the way, WELCOME TO HELL LADIES!!! YOU ARE FOREVER DOOMING YOURSELVES TO BEING THE BUTTMONKEYS, FOR NOW AND FOREVER-MORE!!! Anyway, six o’clock comes and after Mary Anne wipes away her tears (and bottles them for K-Ron to bathe in later); they all leave, with Dawn ending by saying she wished she never had. OOOOOOO…. Cue the ominous music!!!
h or (Little something from both of my favorite horror franchises. Enjoy!)
Chapter 2:
Dawn goes home and waxes poetic about her house and secret passage and how she and her mom love it. And her brother Jeff hates it. Basically, lately he’s been acting like a little prick at home and at school; he’s always getting into fights and causing problems. He even mouths off to Sharon, telling her that the ink stain on her blouse probably caused people to laugh at her all day. Oh, honey. They were probably laughing at her coming to work stoned off her damn ass. Smack him, Sharon.
So, after a brown rice and vegetable casserole dinner, the teacher calls to tell Sharon that Jeff gave a kid a black eye!! Damn, what did the little bastard do? Especially since you find out, this WASN’T the first black eye he was given. Maybe the little shit keeps fucking with Jeff and he’s defending himself? Anyway, now the teacher is handing it over to Sharon to deal with it.
Before Sharon can start to talk, Jeff tells her that he’s unhappy living in Stoneybrook and misses his dad and he wants to go back to California and live with him. Just for six months.Sorry had to laugh there, because we all know that’s bullshit. Hell, even this book knows. She doesn’t even buy him a return ticket.
Sharon agrees and promises to try to work it out with their dad. After many phone calls, Sharon says they are actively trying to make it work. I honestly don’t know why the fuck Sharon packed her kids up and moved three thousand miles away from everything they have ever known in the first fucking place. This shit wouldn’t be happening now, all I’m saying. Dawn starts acting like a complete bitch, calling Jeff names and saying that he’s selfish for moving. Yea, I want you to remember that in like forty books princess. Sharon and Dawn are sad and chapter’s over, moving on!!!
Chapter 3:
Dawn gets to Claudia’s early for the meeting and Mimi’s there, asking if she wants a cup of tea. Dawn turns her down,L! Bitch, you never turn Mimi down for tea!! She runs upstairs to Claudia’s room, where she’s reading the paper about what crime is going on. Apparently she’s reading The Sun, because a woman was attacked by giant butterflies demanding Twinkies. What…..she made it up? L
Dawn sees an article about the Little Miss Stoneybrook Pageant that is being held for girls, five to eight years old. The winner will move on to the county pageant, then Little Miss Connecticut, Little Miss America, then Little Miss World. Then a stupid fucking TLC show. Whatever, I don’t care.
Claudia reads that the girls will be judged on poise, talent and looks. She makes a face and says that pageants are sexist, people are going to think that the only thing little girls are good at is dressing up, looking cute, and not having a brain. And this is coming from CLAUDIA! The club member known for dressing up and looking cute and being fucking brainless. Fucking Hell, I get what the writers were trying to say, but they could have picked ANY OTHER MEMBER TO CONVEY THIS! FUCKING MARY ANNE, HELL EVEN STACEY COULD HAVE CALLED IN AND SAID THIS!!! NO, INSTEAD YOU PICK THE BRAIN DEAD, FASHIONABLE ONE!! THE ONE WHO WILL ONLY GET BY ON HER LOOKS IN LIFE!!! FUCKING HELL!!!
Dawn claims that she understands what Claudia is saying, but her mom entered her picture in a baby contest in LA and she fucking won!! Because of course she fucking did. Sharon has the look of a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader mom, the ones that will straight up murder those in the way of her daughter winning. And I’m calling bullshit that it was a joke, you know Sharon got high one day and sent the picture in.
K-Ron and Mary Anne come in and of course the tomboy President thinks the pageant is sexist too, while the crybaby thinks it might be ‘glamorous’ to be on stage. And yea…. http://www.buzzfeed.com/erikaid/9-wtf-moments-from-toddlers-and-tiaras-b6f3#.uw79D4QLXMore like batshit insane for these poor girls.
*Side note: I AM NOT AGAINST GROWN ASS WOMEN IN PAGEANTS! HELL, I WANTED TO BE MISS AMERICA WHEN I WAS LITTLE. I AM AGAINST LITTLE GIRLS IN PAGEANTS, BECAUSE I READ ABOUT HOW BATSHIT THESE MOMS ARE!!! I THINK THE ARTICLE ABOVE LISTS MOMS THAT SHOULD BE STERLIZIED BECAUSE MAKING YOUR FIVE LOOK ‘SEXY’ IS SO FUCKING WRONG, THE PARENTS DESERVE FUCKING JAILTIME!!! Just wanted to get that off my chest, thank you.
Moving on:
The new members come in and of course, they think the pageant is sexiest and they emo about how the pageant is sexist and boys never compete for a crown and have they never heard of Mr. Universe? No crown, but still a pageant. I wonder what they would think of GLOW wrestling. Where the ladies compete by wrestling and the prize is a goddamn crown? (I so wanted to be a GLOW girl when I was younger!) Badass women: http://www.poprewind.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/GLOW-1.jpg
Mallory foreshadows this book by saying that she hopes that her sisters don’t hear about the pageant, because then they would want to enter. And what the fuck do you know? They have heard and want to enter and need a coach, because once again, Mrs. Pike can’t be assed to take care of her own fucking kids. Dawn gets the job and after the meeting was done with that whole ‘who’s a more awesome sitter’ thing again: ‘Jenny was burning alive, I tell you!’, ‘Yea, well I caught the Phantom Phone Caller’, ‘ Bitch, that was my book!’ , Dawn says that Mal flipped the fuck out and claims that she will die if her one of her sisters become the winner. Whatever.
That’s the end for now friends! Sorry about the slight delay, next update will be timely. Hope you enjoyed and thank you for reading and commenting!!