BSC# 6: Kristy’s Big Day or DAMN THIS BITCH BE CRAZY!!! PART 3
BSC# 6: Kristy’s Big Day or DAMN THIS BITCH BE CRAZY!!! PART 3
Welcome back all! Thank you once again for your awesome comments and compliments!! You all freaking rule!!!
Without further ado:
Chapter 6:
Mama Thomas has decided to unleash her inner madness on her offspring, and wake them all up at EIGHT O’CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING!! ON A SUNDAY!!!! TO CLEAN THE HOUSE FOR PEOPLE COMING OVER IN THE EVENING!!! WTF? GOOD LORD WOMAN, I KNOW THE WEDDING IS A WEEK AWAY, BUT AN EXTRA COUPLE OF HOURS OF SLEEP WON’T KILL ANYONE YOU KNOW!!!
Mama Thomas’ excuse is that an insane amount of people are coming over and the house needs to be clean enough so it passes Monica Geller levels of inspection.
I know she’s K-Ron’s mom and all, but my ass would have just went back to sleep. She decided she had to have the big ass wedding, I ain’t babysitting fourteen fucking children and dealing with her insane bridezillaness.
(That’s Elizabeth right now!!)
Mama Thomas’ mama Nannie, is also coming over to measure K-Ron again. That’s right kiddies. Apparently, buying a fucking wedding off the rack is NOT only too much for this crazy bitch, buying a bridesmaid gown AND a flower girl dress is too. No, instead let’s get Bridezilla’s mother to sew TWO, COUNT ‘EM, TWO FUCKING DRESSES IN LESS THAN A FUCKING WEEK!!!! I don’t sew at all, but those of you snarkers that do, is that even possible to sew two complete dresses in less than a week? Because this whole thing just reeks of bullshit to me. And I’m not even going to bring up the fact that she needs to measure the girls all the damn time. I can understand it if it was the length or bust, but the arms? Does arm length really grow that rapidly?
So, Nannie comes by after lunch. Dunno why everyone had to be up so damn early, especially no one has fucking cleaned yet, but whatever. Nannie shows up, in the infamous Pink Clinker car. Freaking. Love. That. Car.
K-Ron goes to meet Nannie as she pulls up in that awesome pimp mobile, and helps her carry in her pocketbook, a shopping bag full of presents and her recipe file. That’s right ladies and gents, apparently the caterer not only pissed himself laughing at having to cook for a wedding on such short notice, he flat out refused to do anything but the entrée. Mama Thomas and Co. are on their own for the fucking rest. Here’s a bright idea, why not a BBQ? You’re already getting married in the yard, why not a casual, BBQ wedding? Makes everything easier. Hell, if we’re going that route, FUCKING BOSTON MARKET PEOPLE!!! THEY HAVE TURKEY, CHICKEN, AND BEEF ALREADY!!! (I know it might sound tacky, but they were easier ways to deal with catering and such. Ways that didn’t involve a horde of people ascending upon their house.)
Nannie and Mama sit with K-Ron over tea and K-Ron wonders how the dress is coming. Mama tells K-Ron not to bother Nannie and FUCKING REALLY BITCH? SHE WASN’T BOTHERING HER, SHE WAS JUST WONDERING IF THERE WAS HAVE TO BE AN EMERGENCY TRIP TO THE FUCKING MALL ON THE DAY OF THE WEDDING! YOU KNOW JUST IN CASE NANNIE COULDN’T FINISH IN FUCKING TIME, BECAUSE SHE HAS TO HELP PLAN THE REST OF THE FUCKING MEAL YOU JUST HAVE TO FUCKING HAVE AT THIS BIG WEDDING IN SIX DAYS!!!!
Nannie says the dresses are coming together nicely and they are both almost basted together, but are a long way from being finished. COULD’VE.JUST.BOUGHT.NEW.DRESSES.OFF.THE.FUCKING.RACK.
So, the kids get together and finally clean the fucking house. Mama and Nannie discuss how to show seven adults to prepare hundreds of hors d’oeuvres, canapés, and salads and desserts. What the fuck is with all the fancy shit? And also, I doubt Mom and Nannie spent all fucking day discussing how to tell seven fucking adults how to prepare food they already have fucking recipes for. They probably spent like a half-hour choosing what was going to be served, and sat around drinking the rest of the freakin day. Plus, what’s really fucking hysterical in all this, IT’S A FUCKING BUFFET!! YOU CANNOT HAVE A BUFFET WITH APPETIZERS, CRACKERS AND ONE MAIN DISH!!!! FOR THAT, SERIOUSLY BOSTON MARKET AND KFC!! OR GET MARRIED AT CITY HALL AND DO THIS BIG WEDDING LATER, WHEN YOU CAN ACTUALLY HIRE PEOPLE!!!
Anyway, relatives start showing up and kids start acting up. The one year old, Beth doesn’t like anyone and usually screams at them. Until the fucking super sitter herself, shows up. One of the girls; Ashley, shows up with a broken leg and you would think her parents would’ve just stayed home, instead of taking their injured child to this shitshow, but you underestimate the batshit insanity again, people.
Nannie has presents for everyone: handmade sweaters for all. Because, even with two dresses to sew, she somehow had time to knit sweaters for all the grandkids.
OKKKKAYYYY THEN…….
Family meal goes as well as you would think; all the kids fight and the adults do nothing. K-Ron and the cult really have found themselves in a fucking pickle now.
Chapter 7:
The cult shows up the next morning early; with Kid-Kits, activity books and for some reason the club notebook and record book. Why? Everybody is right there and they are gonna be aware of what the fuck goes on every damn day. And the record book is needed why? In case people who don’t live in the area want you to babysit for their kids?
Kristy says that Mama got out an old playpen for the babies and seriously? Shouldn’t one of the fucking parents bring their baby stuff for them? Like a walker or something? The kids start showing up and all of the parents (of course) have instructions for the sitters. Who gets a nap, what medicines are the kids taking, formula and things that really should have been told to Kristy the night before so she can write it all down. Not have to retain the info with all the kids running around wild.
And apparently NO ONE HAS EVEN FUCKING THOUGHT TO CHILDPROOF THE FUCKING HOUSE, OR SET UP A NAP AREA, OR FIGURE OUT WHERE TO PUT MEDICINE OR ANYTHING!!! I WOULD FUCKING THINK THAT WOULD BE THE FIRST FUCKING THING A PARENT WOULD THINK OF WHEN THEIR KIDS ARE GOING TO STAY SOMEWHERE NEW FOR A WEEK!!!
Another thing that really fucking baffles me is that only ONE of the babies’ moms packed the fucking stroller for their kid. Plus a walker. And the baby also takes a nap. Dunno where the fucking mother thought the baby was going to take a nap, because at this point she doesn’t know her sister even found the damn playpen but whatever. And of course the baby, Beth is allergic to milk, so they have to give her soy formula. Man, I really hope the baby gets through the week okay with this motley crew. They confuse soy formula with soy sauce all the fucking time.
Then Watson’s friend’s kids show up and they are terrified. Probably heard all about the crazy cult of the BSC, with their special Kool-Aid. Poor kids, having to deal with these crazy people. The mother of the group drops the baby, Tony into the playpen, Daddy unravels the other kids and they both haul ass away. Great fucking parenting there. Leaving little kids with people they don’t fucking know.
All the adults leaving cause half the kids to start crying and the babysitters divide and conquer. Within minutes everyone is happy and that’s done. Mama Thomas made all the parents pack a lunch for each kid, cause God Forbid she spare some peanut butter and jelly with bread for them. You’d think five fucking teenagers could whip out enough sandwiches in minutes, considering a couple of these kids are still with bottles. Afterwards the living room becomes Sleep Central for the nappers and Kristy bolts for the Pink Clinker with Karen to look at flowers. What now Mama Thomas isn’t picking her own flowers either? Fucking Hell, this book makes no sense!!
So, it takes the Three Stooges fifteen fucking minutes to decide on yellow and white flowers to match yellow dresses. Then one hour to figure out that they’re wearing their hair down, so the florist knows what headpieces to make. Who here wants to bet that Kristy intentionally took her sweet fucking time to avoid going back to those fucking kids? Let the minions deal with them.
First day down. Four to go. God Help Us All.
Chapter 8:
They plan some activities for the kids the next day. Mary Anne SOMEHOW squeezes two babies into ONE stroller, Claudia and Kristy take their groups and Jamie to the library, Stacey goes to the brook with her crew and even Ashley has a good time, and Dawn?
In short:
Dawn goes to the park with Karen, Karen acts like a complete fucking brat and doesn’t get punished for it. End of chapter.
Check back for more soon!
Welcome back all! Thank you once again for your awesome comments and compliments!! You all freaking rule!!!
Without further ado:
Chapter 6:
Mama Thomas has decided to unleash her inner madness on her offspring, and wake them all up at EIGHT O’CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING!! ON A SUNDAY!!!! TO CLEAN THE HOUSE FOR PEOPLE COMING OVER IN THE EVENING!!! WTF? GOOD LORD WOMAN, I KNOW THE WEDDING IS A WEEK AWAY, BUT AN EXTRA COUPLE OF HOURS OF SLEEP WON’T KILL ANYONE YOU KNOW!!!
Mama Thomas’ excuse is that an insane amount of people are coming over and the house needs to be clean enough so it passes Monica Geller levels of inspection.
I know she’s K-Ron’s mom and all, but my ass would have just went back to sleep. She decided she had to have the big ass wedding, I ain’t babysitting fourteen fucking children and dealing with her insane bridezillaness.
(That’s Elizabeth right now!!)
Mama Thomas’ mama Nannie, is also coming over to measure K-Ron again. That’s right kiddies. Apparently, buying a fucking wedding off the rack is NOT only too much for this crazy bitch, buying a bridesmaid gown AND a flower girl dress is too. No, instead let’s get Bridezilla’s mother to sew TWO, COUNT ‘EM, TWO FUCKING DRESSES IN LESS THAN A FUCKING WEEK!!!! I don’t sew at all, but those of you snarkers that do, is that even possible to sew two complete dresses in less than a week? Because this whole thing just reeks of bullshit to me. And I’m not even going to bring up the fact that she needs to measure the girls all the damn time. I can understand it if it was the length or bust, but the arms? Does arm length really grow that rapidly?
So, Nannie comes by after lunch. Dunno why everyone had to be up so damn early, especially no one has fucking cleaned yet, but whatever. Nannie shows up, in the infamous Pink Clinker car. Freaking. Love. That. Car.
K-Ron goes to meet Nannie as she pulls up in that awesome pimp mobile, and helps her carry in her pocketbook, a shopping bag full of presents and her recipe file. That’s right ladies and gents, apparently the caterer not only pissed himself laughing at having to cook for a wedding on such short notice, he flat out refused to do anything but the entrée. Mama Thomas and Co. are on their own for the fucking rest. Here’s a bright idea, why not a BBQ? You’re already getting married in the yard, why not a casual, BBQ wedding? Makes everything easier. Hell, if we’re going that route, FUCKING BOSTON MARKET PEOPLE!!! THEY HAVE TURKEY, CHICKEN, AND BEEF ALREADY!!! (I know it might sound tacky, but they were easier ways to deal with catering and such. Ways that didn’t involve a horde of people ascending upon their house.)
Nannie and Mama sit with K-Ron over tea and K-Ron wonders how the dress is coming. Mama tells K-Ron not to bother Nannie and FUCKING REALLY BITCH? SHE WASN’T BOTHERING HER, SHE WAS JUST WONDERING IF THERE WAS HAVE TO BE AN EMERGENCY TRIP TO THE FUCKING MALL ON THE DAY OF THE WEDDING! YOU KNOW JUST IN CASE NANNIE COULDN’T FINISH IN FUCKING TIME, BECAUSE SHE HAS TO HELP PLAN THE REST OF THE FUCKING MEAL YOU JUST HAVE TO FUCKING HAVE AT THIS BIG WEDDING IN SIX DAYS!!!!
Nannie says the dresses are coming together nicely and they are both almost basted together, but are a long way from being finished. COULD’VE.JUST.BOUGHT.NEW.DRESSES.OFF.THE.FUCKING.RACK.
So, the kids get together and finally clean the fucking house. Mama and Nannie discuss how to show seven adults to prepare hundreds of hors d’oeuvres, canapés, and salads and desserts. What the fuck is with all the fancy shit? And also, I doubt Mom and Nannie spent all fucking day discussing how to tell seven fucking adults how to prepare food they already have fucking recipes for. They probably spent like a half-hour choosing what was going to be served, and sat around drinking the rest of the freakin day. Plus, what’s really fucking hysterical in all this, IT’S A FUCKING BUFFET!! YOU CANNOT HAVE A BUFFET WITH APPETIZERS, CRACKERS AND ONE MAIN DISH!!!! FOR THAT, SERIOUSLY BOSTON MARKET AND KFC!! OR GET MARRIED AT CITY HALL AND DO THIS BIG WEDDING LATER, WHEN YOU CAN ACTUALLY HIRE PEOPLE!!!
Anyway, relatives start showing up and kids start acting up. The one year old, Beth doesn’t like anyone and usually screams at them. Until the fucking super sitter herself, shows up. One of the girls; Ashley, shows up with a broken leg and you would think her parents would’ve just stayed home, instead of taking their injured child to this shitshow, but you underestimate the batshit insanity again, people.
Nannie has presents for everyone: handmade sweaters for all. Because, even with two dresses to sew, she somehow had time to knit sweaters for all the grandkids.
OKKKKAYYYY THEN…….
Family meal goes as well as you would think; all the kids fight and the adults do nothing. K-Ron and the cult really have found themselves in a fucking pickle now.
Chapter 7:
The cult shows up the next morning early; with Kid-Kits, activity books and for some reason the club notebook and record book. Why? Everybody is right there and they are gonna be aware of what the fuck goes on every damn day. And the record book is needed why? In case people who don’t live in the area want you to babysit for their kids?
Kristy says that Mama got out an old playpen for the babies and seriously? Shouldn’t one of the fucking parents bring their baby stuff for them? Like a walker or something? The kids start showing up and all of the parents (of course) have instructions for the sitters. Who gets a nap, what medicines are the kids taking, formula and things that really should have been told to Kristy the night before so she can write it all down. Not have to retain the info with all the kids running around wild.
And apparently NO ONE HAS EVEN FUCKING THOUGHT TO CHILDPROOF THE FUCKING HOUSE, OR SET UP A NAP AREA, OR FIGURE OUT WHERE TO PUT MEDICINE OR ANYTHING!!! I WOULD FUCKING THINK THAT WOULD BE THE FIRST FUCKING THING A PARENT WOULD THINK OF WHEN THEIR KIDS ARE GOING TO STAY SOMEWHERE NEW FOR A WEEK!!!
Another thing that really fucking baffles me is that only ONE of the babies’ moms packed the fucking stroller for their kid. Plus a walker. And the baby also takes a nap. Dunno where the fucking mother thought the baby was going to take a nap, because at this point she doesn’t know her sister even found the damn playpen but whatever. And of course the baby, Beth is allergic to milk, so they have to give her soy formula. Man, I really hope the baby gets through the week okay with this motley crew. They confuse soy formula with soy sauce all the fucking time.
Then Watson’s friend’s kids show up and they are terrified. Probably heard all about the crazy cult of the BSC, with their special Kool-Aid. Poor kids, having to deal with these crazy people. The mother of the group drops the baby, Tony into the playpen, Daddy unravels the other kids and they both haul ass away. Great fucking parenting there. Leaving little kids with people they don’t fucking know.
All the adults leaving cause half the kids to start crying and the babysitters divide and conquer. Within minutes everyone is happy and that’s done. Mama Thomas made all the parents pack a lunch for each kid, cause God Forbid she spare some peanut butter and jelly with bread for them. You’d think five fucking teenagers could whip out enough sandwiches in minutes, considering a couple of these kids are still with bottles. Afterwards the living room becomes Sleep Central for the nappers and Kristy bolts for the Pink Clinker with Karen to look at flowers. What now Mama Thomas isn’t picking her own flowers either? Fucking Hell, this book makes no sense!!
So, it takes the Three Stooges fifteen fucking minutes to decide on yellow and white flowers to match yellow dresses. Then one hour to figure out that they’re wearing their hair down, so the florist knows what headpieces to make. Who here wants to bet that Kristy intentionally took her sweet fucking time to avoid going back to those fucking kids? Let the minions deal with them.
First day down. Four to go. God Help Us All.
Chapter 8:
They plan some activities for the kids the next day. Mary Anne SOMEHOW squeezes two babies into ONE stroller, Claudia and Kristy take their groups and Jamie to the library, Stacey goes to the brook with her crew and even Ashley has a good time, and Dawn?
In short:
Dawn goes to the park with Karen, Karen acts like a complete fucking brat and doesn’t get punished for it. End of chapter.
Check back for more soon!