BSC #41: Mary Anne vs. Logan or The Ballad of Bella and Edward Part 1! Chapters 1-3!
BSC #41: Mary Anne vs. Logan or The Ballad of Bella and Edward Part 1!
Sorry I took a break there from snarking, but the last book freaking broke me. I need a vacation after the batshit insanity of Stacey's ramblings, and Wes' skeezy behavior. But your awesome comments and offers of Jello shots and cookies pulled me through, so I thank you. Without further ado, I bring you, our generation's Bella and Edward (and that's not a good thing!):
Mary Anne vs. Logan!!!!!!
First, does that look an unhappy couple to you guys? They look like they are having a great date and realtionship, when it's the opposite. Damnit, cover artists! Couldn't you get the freaking models to at least look like they were fighting or something? YOU KNOW, LIKE THE FUCKING SAYS THEY ARE? Mary Anne looks like Star from The Lost Boys on the cover:
and Logan looks like a Ken Doll. And one point to cover artists, because this scene is actually in the freakin book this time!
Chapter 1:
Mary Anne is getting ready to babysit Jenny and fuck yea! I flippin LOVED Jenny! She was so cute and smart, I really hope her and Jackie grew up and got married and fucking forgot all these nasty bitches in Stoneybrook. Who really fucking cares that the kid likes to dress up, Hell I wore dresses all the time when I was a kid, now only when I have to! And I grew up fine!
Mary Anne tells Dawn that she never knows how to dress when she sits for Jenny, since her mother is trying to be a stage mom and dresses her up all the time. For as cool as Jenny was, I fucking Hate her mother. She's so going to be a mom on those fucking pagent shows, I just know it. And fucking really, Mary Anne? Why dress up to babysit a four year old? When I babysit my nieces and nephew, I wear sweats and old tees. Didn't know there was a fucking dress code to being a good babysitter.
They talk about Mrs. P and how she's going to have another baby to dress up and I love how nasty they are about it, cause it's not like they wanted a little sister for that very same reason or anything. Fucking bitches. They pat thier own asses about how they are the only ones in the club that know what the sex of the baby is. And why would Mrs. P tell these girls about it? It's not their fucking business!
We get the backstory on Mary Anne and Dawn and I ain't got time for that shit. I don't care. Mary Anne talks about her boyfriend Logan and how they started off with a great realtionship and how she wonders sometimes if she loves him anymore. Can't believe I have to say this again, especially in another fucking snark, but: YOU ARE FUCKING THIRTEEN YEARS OLD! YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT FUCKING LOVE AND THIS IS NOT A REAL REALTIONSHIP! Jesus, I can do this! I got chips and cookies. I can do this!
Mary Anne asks Dawn if she looks nice enough for Jenny and whatever bitch. I hope that new sweater you're wearing gets thrown up on. Mary Anne looks for her shoes, when Dawn tells her that Logan is on the phone. She says that Dawn leaves the room because; 'She respects my privacy where Logan and I are concerned'. Excuse me, while I laugh my fucking ass off! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAAAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAH!
HA!
Ok, I'm done. Dawn respects your privacy? Then what was she doing when she butted in your study date on the tv show to bitch about some fucking trees? What was she doing when she bitches in this book about how perfect you guys were as a couple and how she thought you'd marry Logan? DAWN IS A FUCKING TWAT AND DESERVES A SMACK!
So, Logan wants to take Mary Anne to a movie and basically tells her to ditch babysitting for Jenny. On ten minutes notice. Fucking Hell, Logan's a douche. Could you imagine if a babysitter did that and cancelled at the last minute or made one of the other club members take the job instead? OH WAIT! STACEY TOTALLY DOES THAT LATER ON! I know if I hired one sitter for my kid and a totally different one showed up, I'd be pretty fucking pissed.
Mary Anne tells Logan that K-Ron will put her on the rack again if she spilts with him, and Logan wangsts that they're a couple and need to do couple shit. Fucking hell, I've been married for three years and together before that for five, and as much as I love when we do couple shit, I love my alone time as well. If Logan's this clingly now, it's only gonna get worse when you're older.
Mary Anne fights back tears because she's upset. What the hell, why is this upsetting? You have to work, tell him to take you out tomorrow. Shit can't be helped, GROW BRASS OVARIES AND TELL HIM THIS! FUCKING WHINER! Logan asks if Dawn can take her place and babysit and WHAT? Has he not faced K-Ron's wrath yet? Does he not know what she does to those who make other sitters take their jobs? Mary Anne tells him that she won't do that and he's all pissed that she won't go to the movies after all. Dump him, DUMP HIM NOW! HE'S ALREADY A WHINY PUSSY AND HE'S 13 MOTHERFUCKING YEARS OLD! THIS SHIT AIN'T FUCKING CUTE, YOU KNOW!
They hang up and Mary Anne has to rush now to babysit. Good job there, Sparky. K-Ron's gonna whip your girlfriend now, and not in the fun way. Jenny shows off her new watch and tells Mary Anne that she got loads of new stuff. Buying the kid's love, are we Mrs. P? Milk it Jenny, maybe you'll get a Wii. Jenny shows Mary Anne that she also has stick on earrings and sneakers with laces, cause 'big girls learn how to tie their shoes'. I really hope you or your fucking husband is planning on teaching her then. And I'm calling Bullshit that she bought Jenny sneakers is the same bitch who couldn't be arsed to dress her kid in play clothes. Who put her in a white, WHITE sundress to play in the grass.
The phone rings and it's Logan calling. WHAT.THE.FUCK.? Why is he calling when she told him that she was working? I almost wish that Mr. P had picked up the phone and scared the shit out of him. WHAT IS LOGAN, THE FUCKING PHANTOM PHONE CALLER NOW? GOOD GOD MAN, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF! THIS IS NOT CUTE! Mary Anne tells him that's she's busy and can't talk and Logan has a little hissy fit and goddamn it, MAN UP!
Mary Anne and Jenny talk about all the cool stuff that Mrs. P bought for her and Jenny says that she has to be a big girl now, because of the baby. She's fucking FOUR, Hell she's still considred a baby. I understand that her parents are going to have to deal with an infant, but Jenny is still little. It's not like she's ten and they're telling her to act her age. Plus, she was the only child and spoiled by her parents all this time. It's gotta be hard as Hell for her, poor girl probably thinks she's being replaced. Jenny even says that 'Mommy wants to make sure I'll like that baby.' She even knows she's being bribed to like the baby. Fucking Hell, Mrs. P! CONNECT THE FUCKING DOTS HERE!
Mary Anne even says that 'it sounds like Jenny knew she was being bribed.' And a fucking FOUR year old caught on faster than you, jackass. Good job there. Anyway, she puts Jenny to bed and the fucking phone rings again. Logan's still casing the joint. You know, there's lots of other things you can be doing right now, Logan. Nobody likes a pain in the ass. He says that he called to see how the job was going, and no you fucking didn't liar, you called to check up on her. Asshole. Then only TWENTY minutes later, he calls again! FUCKING HELL, THIS IS FUCKING STALKER BEHAVIOR HERE! At this point I would have told him to leave me the fuck alone, but whatevs.
He asks her out for night she's actually free and says that 'We'll do movies and a pizza. It's all set'. Ah, no it's not, because you never fucking asked her if pizza and the movie were ok! Mary Anne wonders what happened to her voice in the relationship and good question. WHAT THE FUCK DID HAPPEN TO YOUR VOICE? YOU CAN STILL SPEAK, JUST TELL HOW YOU FUCKING FEEL! THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY REALTIONSHIP FOR YOU TO BE IN AS IS!
Chapter 2
Mary Anne refers to herself as the world's biggest wimp and darlin you ain't far off there. She says that Logan is trying hard and he really isn't, not if he fucking stalks you to your jobs until you actually go out with him. He's acting like a fucking asshole.
She says that she has to call a friend to discuss this with them. And I have no fucking idea why this couldn't wait until morning, especailly since she's still babysitting, but who cares? LOGAN'S TRYING SO HARD, YOU GUYS!!! She calls Claudia and she has no suggestions. And that was a waste of a chapter, because the rest is the BSC history and background. Jesus Christ Ann, I've seen and read some awarkward segues before, but this was just lazy.
Chapter 3
So apparently Claudia has a shit stain or period stain on her bed that she never fucking noticed. Fucking really, bitch? I knew her room was dirty, never thought her ass was too. What was that? It's just chocolate? Ok, why would she hide chocolate under her quilt? Your parents are gonna notice that you know. So, it's meeting and if you think I'm gonna be regaling you with club history, you obviously haven't read my other snarks. Moving on.....
K-Ron calls the meeting to order and after they all drink the sacred Kool-Aid, Stacey collects the money. K-Ron asks how Mrs. P is doing and before Mary Anne can speak, Jessi shrieks at her not to tell what the baby is going to be. Fucking hell woman, sit the fuck down and be cool.
Mary Anne says that Mrs. P is due in a few weeks, but she's good.
Mr. P calls the club to help throw a baby shower for Mrs. P. He says he needs three members to help out, two to do the grunt work and one to watch Jenny, while Mrs. P is distracted by her friends. Why ask these bitches to help, can't some family members help or something? These bitches are way too fucking involved in everything. K-Ron is all, 'I think we should take the job, there's some babysitting involved'. Fuck you, K-Ron! You are not the Lord and Master, it would have been so awesome if one of these girls were like 'Fuck you bitch. I work for whoever I want.' And I think they're forgetting the massive catfight they had in the middle of Jamie Newton's bday party, one would think word got out after that and no one would want their help for any party. But whatevs.
Claudia, Stacey, and Mary Anne are the lucky minions to do the job and K-Ron declares, 'Good one, you guys!' and sends all of the others home, so she can twirl her mustache and laugh with glee.
More will come soon, I promise. Thank you all for reading and for the comments. Also the promises of alcohol and cookies, if I ever should meet some of you. See you soon!