SS#9: Starring the Baby-sitters Club! or J.M. Barrie is Rolling in His Grave, People! Part 2!
SS#9: Starring the Baby-sitters Club! or J.M. Barrie is Rolling in His Grave, People! Part 2!
Thanks for all the comments, especially from the new people reading my snarks! You guys rock so much! I hope everybody is in a warm enivorment that's comfortable. I want you all to sit down with your Pepsi's and cookies, and relax.
Here's part 2:
Chapter 4
Judging by the hearts over the i's, I'm in for a Stacey Chapter. Stacey writes that she is oh so nervous, having to audition in front of people, all by herself. And we all know that once she's eighteen, she's gonna have to get over that shit real quick. The Brazzers camera crew won't want to hear about fucking stage fright, especially when Ron Jeremy is all poised and ready to strike.
Saturday morning comes and Maureen drives Stacey to the school for the auditions. Maureen asks Stacey if she wants her to come in for moral support. She even volunteers to stay in the back. Even though that is sweet, we all that 'sophiscated' Stacey is too cool for that shit, so she says no. Although she does lie and tells Maureen that she wouldn't care if the kids saw Maureen, she rather do this on her own. She tells Maureen that she should be a grownup. Maureen tells her, 'You're already more grown-up than most thirteen year olds. You don't have to prove anything.' And I call bullshit, Maureen. The last thing this cow is, is grown up. See, this is the kind of shit that lead her to think it was ok to fall in 'luv' with older men.
Stacey tells Maureen that the cult will be there and she can leave. Stacey goes into the auditorium and sees kids everywhere. And I would think that something like this would have some fucking structure. With different age groups auditioning at different times or something, but, editors were smoking the good shit again and logic went right out the fucking window.
Stacey says she sees all of Mal's demon spawn sibs, except the rhyming one. And thank God, cause if I had to snark that shit, this would be a short snark. Bad enough I have to snark K-Ron Junior; Karen, rhyming Vanessa would be too much. Anyhoo....Stacey runs into Sam and there's some fucking bullshit about how they greet each other in public. See, not many people know that Sam is a fifteen year old committing a felony by dating a thirteen year old. Jeez, Sam I know she spreads her legs easily than shit goes thru a fucking goose, but back off until she's legal. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS A HIGH SCHOOL SOPHOMORE WANT WITH A MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRL? CAN'T SAM FIND A CHICK HIS OWN AGE? WHY DOES MAUREEN ALLOW THIS?
Sam informs Stacey that Almighty K-Ron, Little K-Ron, and David Michael all came together to audition with him. K-Ron comes running in to cock-block, (Thank God!) and grabs Stacey to sit with the rest of the cult. Once there, Stacey is surprised to see Mary Anne sitting with her. Wow, K-Ron must have cracked the whip something fierce. Mary Anne bitches about that she's there for moral support and that's as close as she's getting to the stage. Calm your non-tits Mary Anne, no one cares. Everything does not call for a hissyfit you know.
Our cruise director on this boat trip thru Hell, is named Mr. Cheney. *Is his first name Dick by any chance? * He says that the younger kids are auditioning first, then the older kids. See, this is why there should be two sets of auditions. First, the youngin's: Michael, John, the Lost Boys and Indians, Tinkerbell if you choose to show her. Then either in the afternoon or the next day, Peter Pan, Captain Hook, Smee, Tiger Lily, Wendy and the Indians and Pirates. This way there's not a bunch of people waiting around, bored off their asses. Logic, learn you some.
Mr. Cheney calls all the kids ten and under to the stage and of course, Stacey has to say that she knows half of them, because of babysitting. Get a life, Stacey. And I mean a good one, read some books or something. Mr. Cheney says that need younger kids for the Lost Boys, Indians and Michael Darling parts. So, why don't they audition Michael first, whoever is left make Indians and Lost Boys? Auditions would be over quick. All I'm saying.
Oh, Dear God Save Me! Now I know why I saved the Pepsi and cookies in the fridge. KAREN'S IN THE HOUSE! Karen runs up to Mr. Cheney and asks about TinkerBell, can she play her. Mr. Cheney is all, 'She's not even real, all we need is some fucking lights and bells, bitch.' Now, if this was any other little girl, I would have been like, yeah maybe Tinkerbell can be seen this time. Maybe take one of these little girls, slap a fairy costume on her, and make her a mute Tinkerbell. Would have been cute to see.
But, of course, I remember that this is Karen we're talking about here. She proceeds to throw a hissy fit of Michelle Tanner proporations and fucking SCREAMS, 'BUT I WANT TO BE TINK! I WANT TO WEAR A FAIRY PRINCESS COSTUME! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME, I AM THE MINON OF THE ALMIGHTY K-RON!' JESUS CHRIST, CAN SOMEONE PLEASE SMACK THE SHIT OUT OF HER NOW? IF ANYONE DOES THAT, I'LL GLADLY GIVE YOU MY FUCKING COOKIES AND PEPSI!
K-Ron actually grabs Karen and TALKS to her about her behavior. HELL JUST FROZE OVER PEOPLE! I feel a disturbence in the Force. Mr. Cheney and Ms. Halliday work with the kids, Cheney's acting and Halliday's dancing with the kids. The older kids are handed scripts to learn from, and for the ones that are unsure for what part they want, to learn Peter's lines after the 'I've Got to Crow' song.
Kids are rehearsing and even Matt Braddock is there. Haley shows Mr. Cheney how Matt can act without speaking and since I have nothing but love for these two, I ain't snarking it. I'll save it for Demon Spawn Karen. Karen runs up and poor Mr. Cheney shits a fucking brick when he realizes who she is. She gets through the reading with no problem and completely fucking blows it, when she starts to act like a fucking fairy. And of course, Mr. Cheney is helpless to put a stop to this bullshit, so he looks 'desperately' toward Kristy. Cause, you know, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S A FUCKING TEACHER OR ANYTHING! IT'S NOT LIKE HE CAN BAN KAREN FROM THE PLAY OR PUNISH HER OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT! HE, LIKE ALL OF US, MUST BOW DOWN TO THE FUCKING ALMIGHTY BSC FOR EVERYTHING!
Jesus Christ, this is gonna be the snark that kills me, I can feel it....
K-Ron actually fucking carries Karen off the stage, and makes her sit on her lap during the rest of the auditions. Ok, who killed K-Ron and replaced her with this Pod Person? I want to know who to send the cookies to. The kids all read thier lines and line up to dance. Even Karen, who dances with Goddamn Jazz hands and of course poor Jackie Rodowsky has to fucking stumble his way through the dance routine. Because Ann hates gingers that fucking much! Poor Jackie! I really hope you grow up and you turn into that sexy redheaded Ian on Shameless and that guys and girls alike l fall at your feet. Grownup Jackie:
The little kids are done and the older kids are called. After awhile, Stacey's name is called and she nearly pisses herself getting onto the goddamn stage.
Chapter 5
Mr. Cheney tells everyone that tryouts for the smaller roles will be first, bigger ones later. He also says that everyone must sing, dance and read for a part, in order to see 'the full range' of talent.
Jessi isn't worried. She already choreographer her own dance and memorized the whole 'I'm Flying' song. Well, la-dee-fucking-dah! I'm willing to bet that you aren't the only asshole to do that, you know. Jessi says that she's going to just give us the highlights of the tryouts, which means just the BSC and anyone connected to the members.
First off, the Blonde Bombshell Stacey sang 'Mack the Knife'. (Really? This:? No judgement, but I think this:or this:Jwould be more apporiate for that time. But we all know Stacey would love to sing this:especially to Mr. Cheney).
Click to viewStacey announces that she's going to dance with Ms. Halliday's group later. K-Ron sang 'I Won't Grow Up' and the rest of her audition was the same as Stacey's. Jessi condecends to K-Ron about breath control and how not to tense up her muscles. K-Ron shuts that shit down and barks back, 'Bitch no one is going to be able to tell once I got the fucking dog costume on, so back the fuck up.'
Logan and Sam try out for some pirate named Bill Jukes. And I have no idea who he is, is he in the Mary Martin version? Jessi snots that Sam is better than Logan, she hopes that Logan didn't have his heart set on the part. Jessi even goes as far to tell Stacey, right in front of Mary Anne, no less, that Sam is good and that there's no contest. Damn, that's fucking cold woman! Best.Friends.You'll. Ever.Have.My.Fucking.Ass.
Then we get more of how epically Logan fucked up his audition. Jackass not only read monotone, he straight up fucking sucked at singing. He even messed up the damn words, confusing, 'We have a mother! At last we have a mother!' with 'We have another! At least we have another!' and instead of 'Wendy's waiting at the door, we won't be lonely anymore' it's 'Wind is wading on the floor, we won't be lovely anymore.' Ok, what was Logan smoking before the tryouts? How does one even begin to fuck up such an easy song. It's not like they told him to sing this:
Tiger Lily auditions are up and Dawn is having a meltdown. K-Ron throws some KoolAid down her throat and tells her that she'll regret it if she doesn't tryout. Of course, the KoolAid kicks in and Dawn jumps to the stage, the first to tryout. Jessi says that Dawn was great, no fantastic. Much better than anyone thought. Jeez, Jessi I didn't think it was possible for your head to be further up Dawn's ass than your own, but it is. The shocking tryout that left them all with their mouths open? Dawn read the lines, sang a verse from the 'Ugg-a-Wugg' song and then danced. And she danced a waltz. By herself. Whaaaa.....theeeee....fuckkkkkk.........
HOW THE HELL IS IT POSSIBLE TO DANCE A WALTZ BY YOURSELF? BALLET YEA, TAPDANCE YEA, BUT WALTZ? AND APPARENTLY DANCE IT WELL ENOUGH THAT JESSI SWEARS IT WAS LIKE DAWN WAS DANCING WITH A FRICKING PARTNER?
Cokie also kicked ass at her tryout and Jessi thinks that Mr. Cheney has a tough choice to make. Me thinks Mr. Cheney is going to need a stiff fucking drink and some pussy after this, but what do I know? Still.....Fuck it.
Jessi shows off her amazing talent to kiss her own ass, by bragging that she is so well-prepared, she listened to the Peter Pan album and watched the Mary Martin video nine fucking times. Not just for the dancing, but because her brother Squirt loved the fucking video so much, he threw hissy fits in order to watch it. And Fuck you, Jessi. You can pat your ass all you want about how prepared you think you are, but in the end it doesn't matter. Those who are talented, get the fucking part.
*Sidenote: My junior high put on a version of 'Grease' and I wanted to be in it really bad. Now, I really can't sing for shit, so the thought of me getting a part like Sandy or Rizzo went right out the fucking window, I figured I'd tryout for Frenchie. I love Frenchie, awesome character, insightful, bitching hair, one line to sing and it's supposed to be off key. I watched the movie a bunch, I had seen the stage show and had the damn album. I COULD DO THIS! Then the day of tryouts come, and my throat was so swollen, I sounded like a fucking two pack a day smoker. Fucking play sucked anyway. Point is, I was prepared as well and I still didn't get the fucking part*
So, Mr. Cheney calls up the kids that want to tryout as Pan and says that there will be callbacks for about ten of them. Final decisions will be made in a few days. Jessi runs up and Mr. Cheney remembers her from that one Super Special I never liked. Jessi starts yakking about all the fucking dancing she's done and all the roles she's played and I don't fucking care. I still say no eleven year old gets all those starring roles in such physical performences.
Jessi reads and pats her ass again about how good she is. She sings 'I'm Flying' and is so fucking horrible, the dogs outside start baying at the moon. She's so bad, my Snoopy dolls just hide themselves under the basket they live in. My stuffed animals headed for the fire escape, I had to talk them down. The people in the audience watching are holding thier hands over thier ears listening to this shit.
Then the dancing begins and I have to ask again, how big is this fucking stage that she can do all those ballet leaps and shit. And bitch actually thinks that they are going to have wires helping them to fly, like in the real stage show. And that so would be a lawsuit waiting to happen, wouldn't it? I bet the editors had to talk Ann out of that one, I bet either Mal or Jackie would have went flying headfirst into a wall.
Auditions are over and Mr. Cheney calls out some names to stay for callbacks: Sam, Dawn, K-Ron, Stacey, Cokie and Alan Gray among them. Jessi didn't get called, but she's confident that Mr. Cheney has made up his mind to give her role. And I can't wait until this bites her in the ass she keeps patting.
And that's all for now folks. I know I'm breaking the code of snark, but I'm exhausted and I have to get up early tomorrow. There is also a certain amount of bullshit I can take in one sitting, for my sanity I need to stop here.
I hope you all like this and I promise more will be up this week. My Sleepover Friends came yesterday as well, plus I still owe a Girl Talk snark, so I will be busy. Thank you for your comments and keep reading.