#69 Get Well Soon, Mallory! Aka: Ginger Can't Catch A Break Part 3, 7-9
Sorry that took so long. And you guys are so awesome and I love the fact that some of you have added me! I will be working on the other snarks and that should be up at some point. Thank you guys.
Now, Here's some more of Ginger Can't Catch A Break: AKA Get Well Soon, Mallory! Chapters 7-9
Chapter 7
Another Monday starts with Mallory watching her brothers and sisters getting ready for school. The monkeys are in back in action, all talking at once about some bullshit and Mama actually answers all the questions, gets them set and out the door. As Mama says, 'Another week has begun.'
Mallory is blue because it's another week of the same shit and she is sick of being sick. She even misses all the Thanksgiving stuff that she would be during at school and is happy that they will still be going to New York for the parade. FORESHADOWING!!!! Even as a kid, I knew at this point that trip was getting cancelled. Cause Ann hates Mal that much.
Sweet Dee says that they have an appointment with Doc this morning and poor Mallory is so happy to be getting out of the house and stinky pjs. In the car, she's looking at everything, amazed and Sweet Dee is all, 'Boy, you really are going stir crazy.' Nooooo, really? Chick's been stuck in the house going on days now and she practically danced a fucking jig when she heard she was going to see the DOCTOR of all things, she was that happy to get out of the damn house. NO SHIT SHE'S HAPPY, I WOULD BE TOO DEE!
They get there and Mallory is disappointed that the wait is so short, she wanted to read the magazines Mom never buys. Doc is a doctor for kids, what kind of magazines does she have? I don't think Hustler and Screw are there, Dee. An Archie comic isn't going to kill Mallory, you know.
Mal gets to the office and the nurse weighs her and she's down five pounds. It's the fucking soup and Jello. It gets to the point that you rather not eat because the sight of noodles makes you want to pull a Margo. Doc comes in and Bitch is like, 'Your mother tells me you're not enjoying being at home.' Once again, NO EFFING SHIT PEOPLE! STAYING AT HOME IS FUN FOR A FEW DAYS, NOT WEEKS. IT GETS TO THE POINT THAT THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH TV OR BOOKS YOU CAN WATCH OR READ, YOU KNOW. (Except for me, I have enough to read to last until the next century. I'd never get bored).
Doc even tells her that a fully recovery may even take three months or longer and that sucks. Couldn't imagine being on bed rest for that long. Two weeks nearly killed me, I was so bored. Mal is worried about being flunked out of school, and bitch you're in the motherfucking time wrap, don't worry. You're staying in the sixth grade at least until you leave for boarding school. Doc tells her to do her homework and worst case, there is summer school. Of course, Mal throws a hissy fit about summer school and refuses to go. Bitch, no one said you had too yet. And you know what? It's like an hour out of your day and the rest of the time you're free. Easier than your regular classes and less work, I swear.
After that drama, Jessi stops by Mal's house before the meeting so Mal could emo some more about not knowing when she could babysit again. Don't worry, you're parents will start using you as slave labor again in a few books. Mal is all stressed that if she's out of comission for months, what will the club do and OH.MY.GOD. WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW? THE STRESS IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU.
They talk about the Thanksgiving project for the residents and how they still don't know how they are going to raise the money and Thanksgiving is only two weeks away. Good Lord Woman, what in the Sam Hell have you bitches been doing all this time? Seven of you and not one has an idea? What was all that bullshit about Lord and Master K-Ron having great ideas? Did her brain go on vacation?
Mallory has a moment of insanity and says that they should have a car wash to raise money. In November. In Connecticut. Righhhhttttt.....
Jessi comes up with a bake sale idea and Mal suggests people donate money to sponser a basket and Holy Hell didn't we cover this in Chapter 4? Charlotte thought of it first! Mal says that she can't help with the car wash, and stop trying to make the car wash happen, IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! (Sorry for the Mean Girls reference, BTW); but she could make calls and look for sponsers. Goddamnitt Mal, will you just relax, like you're supposed to?
Jessi has a bitch moment and says, 'That would be a big help. Now that we're two babysitters short, no one has very much spare time'. So, let me get this straight; you morons are two girls down, and instead of finding someone else to join your club, you rather kill yourselves working and then bitching to the member who's so sick, she literally is on house arrest? Then you bitches wait until almost the last minute to plan for an event that is two, TWO WEEKS AWAY, and bother the sick girl again for her help in planning this venture? So, if Jessi hadn't seen Mal today, nothing would have been done at all? IT ISN'T LIKE YOU CAME UP WITH THIS PLAN TWO WEEKS AGO AND IF YOU HAD STARTED PLANNING THEN, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ALMOST FINISHED OR ANYTHING? OH, WAIT.........NAH, LET'S WAIT FOR AWHILE AND THEN BOTHER THE ONE WITH THE ILLNESS AND GET HER TO DO ALL OUR WORK, IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S DOING ANYTHING BUT SITTING ON HER ASS AND WE ALL KNOW HOW K-RON HATES THAT!
Thank God these bitches have Mallory. I'm starting to think they took a fucking cue from Sweet Dee and just started to use Mallory for the bullshit work. I dunno about you, my peeps but when I'm sick or have horrific cramps, my husband knows to leave me the fuck alone. He gives me treats, lets me watch what I want on t.v., and generally knows not to bother me with stupid shit. I would have bitched so much, Jessi would have ran home, tail between those long legs of hers.
Chapter 8
So everyone meets at Mary Anne's house to plan this fucking thing, and of course, the kids are running around in the barn and leaping into the hay. Cause they are kids, and for once they are acting normal. The Devil must be chilly in Hell, I'll tell you.
Charlotte sees a mouse and throws a goddamn hissy fit about it. What was that about Stacey helping her to be less shy? This, of course, causes all the kinder to fucking run around screaming abouts rats and shit, and you would think Claudia would be the one to calm everyone the fuck down, considering she lives in a rat's nest, but no it's Becca who does.
K-Ron shows up with the Korman kids, David Michael, and.....
OH, FUCK NO. NO.NO.NO.....NOT KAREN.... SHE WASN'T IN THE LAST ONE.........
Maybe she'll be quiet. One could hope.
So, the kids toss around ideas on what to put in the baskets for the residents at the manor, toys, candy, books, and photos. The cost thing is brought up again and there's talk of fundraising. Lord and Master K-Ron brings up that stupid fucking idea that Mal had about a carwash, and the kids go for it, even asking to wear bathing suits. Ever the voice of reason, Mary Anne says it's November and they would freeze. I love how Claudia, CLAUDIA is the one who sees that the plan would cause the kids to get pneumonia.
That idea in the toilet, the kids decide to pool thier allowances and what in the hell....why did no one think of this already? Allowance money, treasurey money, and babysitting money should make a dent at least in buying some stuff. The idea of sponsers is brought up as well, and seriously guys? It's a great idea and for five dollars a basket is a deal, but the problem is YOU ASSHOLES WAITED UNTIL A WEEK BEFORE THANKSGIVING!!! WHO HAS THE MONEY NOW, THEY ARE BUSY BUYING THIER GODDAMN DINNER STUFF!
Kristy says that it might be hard to swing, being that they are fifty five residents at the Manor, and Claudia is all, 'I don't know fifty five people'. Really, bitch? I could count everyone you have babysat for during your first round of eighth grade and that would add up to more than what you need, dumbass.
They decide for every member of the club to ask a grocery store for donations and then maybe the baskets wouldn't cost so much. I kinda of want to see them get laughed out of the store, but then again, I'm a cynical bastard.
Suzi Barrett comes up with the brillant idea of a carnival for the residents; with booths, a cakewalk(the fuck?) and a bean bag throw. Even a fishing booth. Ok, what the hell are half of these fucking games? Maybe I was just a boring kid, but I never heard of a cakewalk and I have heard of the fishing game, but later on they do a half assed job of describing it and it sounds completly different than I remember.
Logan has the brillant idea of all the games having a Thanksgiving theme: beanbag in the Pilgrim's mouth(of course this is the member who thinks of that. The gay jokes write themselves, people), and pin the feather on a turkey. *Who would have thought to have all the games have a theme? Well, no shit Sherlock.
So, Mary Anne volunteers the barn to make the booths and no shit. Suzi suggests giving cookies as prizes for the games and our Junk Food Queen volunteers to make them. And of course, because they sat on thier asses for two weeks, there is only twelve days to pull this off.
Jessi writes a note to Mal and I will type it here:
'Mal, I know you're feeling kind of useless right now. *You fucking think?* Here's a list of things you can do that would really help the Thanksgiving Project:*DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE!*
1. Make calls to find sponsors *I thought that each member and kid was going to ask thier parents and realtives? That kind of takes care of pretty much everyone she could call.*
2. Bake cookies.* You do realize that she's probably contangious and you have like twenty other people that can do this, right?*
3. Make bean bags for the bag toss. *The fuck.....? You do realize you can buy those at a craft store right. Or use a ball? Or balled up socks? Or newspaper? Or ANYTHING ELSE?*
4. Gift wrap books for the goody baskets. *No. Just NO. I hate wrapping presents, even for Holidays, I use gift bags and tissue paper as much as I could.*
5. (Most important!) *Then why wasn't it first?* Get well soon. *I love how the concern for her sick friend is dead last on this fucking list. I would have balled this list up and threw it at her, screaming to get the fuck out. *
So, Jessi gives Margo the list and Meeting Over! Moving on!
Chapter 9
Mal gets it in her head that it's better if she can get the girls to kick her out of the club so they could replace her. Can't just tell them to replace her?
Claudia comes by, bringing Claire and Margo home. They talk about all the good ideas that everyone had and Margo gives Mal the list that Jessi made. Mal sees this as an oppurnity to put plan into action, and says that she is sick and doesn't feel like doing anything. *Point to Mal* Claudia is all, 'Wow, Mallory we know you're sick. But I think Jessi had the impression that you wanted to help on this project.' Once again, DANCE MONKEY, DANCE!
Mal is all, 'Bitch, I'm sick and on bedrest. Nobody bothered you when you broke your fucking leg, did they?' Claudia leaves to let Mal rest, while Mal is like, 'I'll try to look at the list later.' Mal you're my hero! Then Moron loses her cool points when she says that she wanted to shot that she really wanted to help. And, K-Ron mixes the Kool-Aid. Margo says that Mal is mean and that she could make phone calls because she's just lying in bed all day, and hush, little one.
Sunday, Jessi comes by with two videos: The Black Stallion (Holy Shit! Mind meet Gutter) and National Velvet, plus horse books. That's actually really sweet. Maybe Jessi really does care about....
'Did you get my list for the Thanksgiving project?'
I need a minute.
Good God, woman what in the hell? It's been days Jessi, did you do anything? Did ANYONE do anything for this fucking project? Especially since there's only a week left until the day. Do you bitches just wait for Mal to do everything? Jesus Christ, Mal is Meg from Family Guy isn't she? I never thought about it, but she is. Doomed to a life of no respect, or love. Forever being taken advantage of. Moment of silence for our Ginger.....
So, Jessi is all, you should be helping us, minon! *Clean the carpet Cinderella! Mow the lawn Cinderella!* Mal asks Jessi why she can't get off her ass and make the damn calls herself. She also totally throws Claudia under the bus and tells Jessi that Claudia said that Jessi would handle the list, because Claudia may think that Jessi is not doing enough to help! OH, SNAP! Jessi acts like a fucking martyr and lists all the stuff she has done so far: Helping Logan with the booths and bakes two dozen cookies. Well, la dee dah. And, ew those cookies are totally going to taste like ass.
Days go by and by Tuesday she gets more people to come and bug the shit out of her. K-Ron and Mary Anne come by, all smiles and Mal is like, it's just you. Would you guys like some ice for that burn? The ladies tell Mal that they all miss her and Mal says that she is so busy with homework, she doesn't miss anybody. Mary Anne talks some bullshit about how it's good Mal is busy so she doesn't get depressed and shut the fuck up, we know you want her help. Mal tells her that she's happy to be missing school and this Mal is awesome.
K-Ron tries to lay a guilt trip on Mallory about the project, asking her if she did anything on that stupid list and Mal shuts her down by replying no to everything. K-Ron is like, Bitch, so you ain't gonna fucking help us with this great idea I had? You must lie down and honor your Lord and Master. AND YOU KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD, WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE! Mallory is like, fuck that shit. Get someone else to be your buttmonkey.
When the bitches leave, Mal is all emo about how they are going to kick out of the club and she has no friends, and I don't care. Friday comes and a phone call comes in for Mal and it's the goddamn club. Some bullshit about how they figured out what she was doing and she ain't going no where, because who else would be thier buttmonkey. K-Ron tells her that she needs to atone for her sins and she can start by making phones calls, because it's only a week till Thanksgiving and no one else made the call for the fucking sponsers. And Ginger accepts her lot in life and agrees.I promise to have the last bits up soon, and also the other book snarks as well. Thank you and see you soon!