#69 Get Well Soon, Mallory! or Poor Mallory the Sequel Part 2: Chapters 4-6
#69 Get Well Soon, Mallory! or Poor Mallory the Sequel Part 2: Chapters 4-6
Wil6l Mallory ever get better? Will the kids at school ever stop teasing Ben Hobart for kissing Mallory? Will Sweet Dee mother her goddamn kids and tell them to leave a sick girl alone?
Let's find out if all questions and more will be answered in Part 2 of Get Well Soon, Mallory!
Chapter 4
Judging by the i's dotted with hearts, I'm guessing this a Stacey babysitting job. Hands up if you ever tried doing this and got bored dotting the i's with hears after five seconds? This was cute when I was like twelve, but now in my older years, this annoys the shit out of me everytime the Princess has a notbook page.
Anyway, Stacey is babysitting our favorite bookworm/scaredy cat Charlotte. The book beats us over the head with how Charlotte and Stacey feel more like sisters than babysitter and sittee, and I am so sick of hearing this crap every fucking time Charlotte is babysat for. I thought K-Ron murdered you in your sleep if a charge had a favorite sitter. Cause God forbid the club caters to the freakin needs of the child or anything, but once again, what the Hell do I know? Still just snark here.
There is some bullshit about how Doc Johanssen helped Stacey when she was coming to terms with the dieebtus. And, bullshit, all she did was recommend a doctor to Stacey when her parents were taking her to goddamn faith healers to 'cure' her. It also says that Charlotte used to be a quiet, sad little girl with no friends, until Hosebeast came along and now she's happy and outgoing, with lots of friends. Ok, the friends I'll give them. But, she's still quiet and shy. Anyone remember the debacle of the Miss Stoneybrook beauty contest? Poor thing ran off stage and had to wait until her parents had to have someone tell them to go collect thier daughter.
So, the two are walking down the street together talking about Thanksgiving. Charlotte tells Stacey that she is in the Thanksgiving play at school and wants Stacey to come. Fearing the almighty wrath of our Lord and Master K-Ron, she tells Charlotte that she has to check her schedule. So, Charlotte is your almost sister and you can't be assed to go to her fucking Thanksgiving play? Bitch. Of course, once Hosebeast hears that Charlotte is playing the head turkey and will lead the other turkeys in a dance, she decides to come. Probably to be a bitch and laugh at the poor girl. (Not even kidding, I would have so rocked a turkey dance. Stage fright and all. Give me a chance to act crazy and I will).
Our dymanic duo march down to Polly's Fine Candy , which is a throwback to the third book of the series, and stare at the window display. They tell us that last year, Polly had a huge chocolate turkey that was surronded by little turkeys in the window. This year though, they go award winner with the Mayflower, Pilgrims and Indians at Plymouth rock in chocolate. Holy shit, that sounds awesome! What the hell are they doing in this bumfuck town if they have those kinds of skills? Maybe Polly's Fine Candy is a front of a different kind of 'fine candy' if you know what I mean? Hey, Sharon has to be getting her stash from somewhere, right?
This prompts Stacey to tell Charlotte about the plan for the residents of Stoneybrook Manor and how they want to involve the kids as well. And of course, since five thirteen year olds and two eleven year olds couldn't come up with what to do for the residents, Charlotte has the brillant idea of bringing them presents. (Well, duh). Stacey is all, but they are getting presents for Christmas and again, fuck you princess. You like when Daddy drops over three hundred dollars in one day on you, right? Give the poor old people, who don't have family no less, some fucking gifts!!! Charlotte is like how about cornucopias, and I swear fucking HBO has forever ruined that word for me, I hear it and all I can think of is that HBO after hours show: Pornucopia: Going Down in the Valley.
Stacey praises Charlotte for saving thier asses yet again and they walk along talking about how they be able to pull this off, and aren't you getting the kids to help you? Hell, even if the regular charges don't want to help, all you need is everyones brothers and sisters, plus the club. Trust me, it's doable.
So, they discuss what they are going to put in the baskets and Charlotte being a kid, exclaims chocolate and that of course, leads Hosebeast to remind Charlotte (and us) yet again, that not everyone can eat chocolate, and must the books always beat us over the fucking heads with the dieebtus? Cause, it's getting real fucking old. Charlotte says that they could put fruit and cheese and other healthy stuff too. Ummmm.. yeah, that could be unheathly too. Fruit has a lot of sugar in it and some eldery folks can't digest it. A lot of people can't eat cheese as well, morons.
They go back to the house and Stacey makes ants on a log, which is celery, cream cheese and raisins. (I tried celery and peanut butter and that was nasty as hell. Cream cheese on celery just sounds like it would taste like moldy ass. Has anyone tried this and liked it? Inquiring minds want to know). I love how Stacey has to ask Charlotte how are they are going to be able to pay for the food and baskets and Charlotte has to tell her that they can do a food drive. (Guess Stacey completey forgot helping the Zunis with a food drive in that Dawn Book). They also talk about a fundraiser and how much work they have to do to get ready.
Once home, Stacey calls K-Ron and tells about Charlotte's idea. Mentally crossing the Johanssen's off her Rolodex, K-Ron says that they should have both a fundraiser and ask for donations for the baskets. BABYSITTERS' UNITE!!!!!! So, all the phone calls get made and last on the list, of course, is Mallory who thinks it's a great idea. Of course, being on her sick bed, unable to do much except sleep, Stacey tells her to think about ideas for the fundraiser and Good God woman, leave her the Hell alone will you? I don't think she would care about an event most likely she cannot go to. Fucking let her rest and relax, people. ( You know I babysit my brothers kids all the time, mostly nights so his wife and he could work. And when I was out of commission for awhile because of the scarlet fever, they left me the fuck alone!)
So, the idea is grand, Praise be unto Charlotte. Moving on....
Chapter 5
Great, the one fucking outfit description we get and it's Mallory pajama's. They're white flannel, with pink rosebuds and pink lace at the collar and cuffs. Judging by the cover, not only is it ugly as hell, but it just looks uncomfortable.
Not exactly what you want to be wearing when you're running a fever, right? So, after a week of wearing them, (Ew, I sincerly hope Mama Dee has washed them in that time), she's about ready to burn them, then blow up the television. Don't blame her, really. And don't let K-Ron find out you've been watching television, that's 20 lashes and the boo box. She laments about soaps, how nothing happens until Fridays, just to make you tune in on Monday. (Ah, the day's before DVR and Google. Where you can tape shows and watch them later, or Google that shit and find out about it, while it was happening).
So apparently, the Pike monkeys, in an amazing show of kindness, have been nice to thier sick sister. (Hell, just froze over again) However, lest you think this would last, the kids put on a play called 'Mallory is Sick' decipting Claire as Mallory who has cooties and is almost made to drink milk, orange juice, and raisins, until she shuts that shit down quick. Mallory asks Mama why the kids still call it cooties and Sweet Dee states that's because they can't pronounce mononucleosis and that cooties is more fun. (So, the little shits can't say mono? Still. Mother.Of.The.Year. Folks.)
Mama tells her to rest and try to do homework later and call me crazy, but wouldn't the school set up a correspondence thing Mallory could do later? Wouldn't she be able to have a schedule for assignments later? Instead of overwhelming her with months of homework at once?
Saturday comes and Sweet Dee and Mr. Pike are taking the older kids shopping and asks Mallory to watch Margo and Claire. JESUS CHRIST LADY, YOUR KID IS SICK IN BED AND CAN BARELY KEEP HER EYES OPEN LONG ENOUGH TO DO HER FUCKING HOMEWORK. YOU HAVEN'T EVEN LET HER OUT OF HER BED TO GO DOWNSTAIRS THAT OFTEN AND YOU WANT HER TO BABYSIT THE TWO LITTLE ONES? WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE THEM WITH YOU, WHAT'S TWO MORE? I KNOW YOU'RE USED TO MALLORY RAISING THIS FUCKING ASSHOLES BUT ONCE AGAIN, BE A GODDAMN MOTHER FOR TWO FUCKING HOURS, SWEET DEE! JESUS!!!!!
Of course, Mallory has had her Kool-Aid, so she agrees. Happily no less. At least she gets to do something. Jeez, I've been there. Happy as hell to go to the doctor's followup appointment and realizing that walking less than 15 blocks back and forth exhausted the hell out of me and being disappointed I still had to rest.
So, there's lunch for the wee ones; cheese sandwiches and celery sticks. As soon as Sweet Dee leaves, the youngns come in pretending to be a Doctor Margolius and Nurse Claire-I mean Nurse Tiffany. After playing doctor for a bit, (Mind out of the gutter, you sick bastards), they decide that the patient should have Animal Crackers, Goofy Grape Kool-Aid, and M&M's for lunch. What, no Ecto-Cooler? Please bring back Ecto-Cooler. Also, don't tell Stacey about the M&M's, she'll eat one and die you know.
Even though Mallory is sick of Jello and chicken soup and would love junk food, she tells the girls about the cheese sandwiches and celery sticks Sweet Dee left. The girls, of course, want the fucking junk food, (as do I) and Mallory lies and tells them about all the nurses who have eaten celery sticks; Florence Nightingale, Clara Barton and..... Hot Lips Hoolihan? What eleven year old, six year old and five year old would know about M*A*S*H? Hell, I was eleven when this book came out and I didn't fucking know. I had to ask who the hell she was. The ladies eat and read, (or in Claire's case, show pictures) to Mallory and it's a quiet day. Thank God!
Chapter 6
Sunday morning and Mallory announces that she can swallow and it doesn't hurt. And I am not above saying, That's what she said. My condo in Hell is waiting for me.
Mama Dee says that Mal's glands are still swollen and Daddy asks how she really feels. Mal admits that she's tired and the parents declare that they need to have a talk. Mama and Daddy say that her recovery is taking longer than expected, and no shit it's only been a week and she was diagnosed late because Dee couldn't be assed to take her own fucking kid to the hospital. The Doc says that mono hits some people harder than others and since Ann hates Mallory more than Stacey hates keeping her fucking legs together, Mallory is one of the same people. Doc says that Mal has to stay home until she's better, but then go to school and no other activity. No school projects, no archery team which aside from that fucking gym book, we've haven't heard about since and NO.......
BABYSITTER'S CLUB!
Click to viewMallory emos about how the club is one of the most important things in her life. But, tell me Mallory, is it more important than.....
HORSES!!!!!!!
Sweet Dee and Daddy tell her that's not forever, just until she's back to normal. (But, they are perfectly willing to use thier daughter as a fucking babysitter when she's feeling somewhat better? And she can't do activity besides that? Poor Mallory)
Mal tells her parents that with Preachy gone in California, the club is booked up. Daddy suggests a replacement, at least temporary and Mallory wails that the last person was a total disaster, who didn't drink the Goddamn Kool-AId and was murdered in her sleep, her body buried under Karen's fucking Treasure Tree. I mean, she didn't follow rules (they were never explained to her), she took jobs on her own(for a family she always babysat for) and she quit before Kristy fired her. (You mean, she refused to bow down to a girl 2 years older than her, and called her on her bullshit?)
Mallory calls Kristy and tells her the unhappy news. Of course, K-Ron has to wait a minute before expressing her sympathy. Bitch is probably thinking how to conduct a hit on three people at once. They hang up and Mal calls her roleplay buddy, Jessi to whine. Jessi is all, 'You can't quit. The BSC needs you. I need you', and these bitches are far too dependent on each other aren't they? Take it down a notch, Dancing Queen. Mal is like, 'I need you too', and a million shippers faint from the context.
Jessi comes by later and the way these bitches act, you'd think one was dying. Spare me the fucking melodrama, you will still see each other at school and Jessi can come over and hang out. Mal is emoing about this being the worst thing that could happen to her, and really bitch? What about K-Ron pulling rank and giving you that batshit insane test when you first joined? What about your father losing his job and all the Heathers in your grade acting like complete bitches? What about Mama and Daddy using you as slave labor when you were trying to write a fucking story and then them giving you only ONE day to yourself as a reward? WHAT ABOUT THAT BITCHY CHILDREN'S BOOK AUTHOR THAT WILL FOREVER MAKE A BUTTMONKEY FOR NOT ONLY THIS SERIES BUT IT'S MANY SPINOFFS, UNTIL YOU'RE SENT AWAY TO BOARDING SCHOOL, NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN, BECAUSE THE BITCH SAYS SHE HAS 'NO STRONG FEELINGS' ABOUT HOW YOUR LIFE TURNS OUT? ONCE AGAIN, CAN THE MELODRAMA.
So, Jessi is on the way to an EMERGENCY MEETING!!! K-Ron speaks, we obey. Jessi promises to come back and let Mal know what happened. After Jessi leaves, Mal sits there and has this really funny daydream about how the meeting went, down to where everyone must have sat. In the dream, Kristy informs them that Mallory has to quit and Claudia utters this gem, 'We're dropping like flies. First Dawn, and now Mallory.' Once again kids, no one died. They'll be back, at least until Preachy gets her own spinoff and Ginger fades into obsurcity. Mal figures that they'll replace her and there will be no more pizza parties, circuses, talent shows, etc. and Holy Hell, I'd quit too. Happily. Ain't nobody got time for that shit. I would be so happy, being able to read and snark and hang with the hubby, I can't tell you.
Jessi comes back and tells Mal that everyone, even Logan and Shannon came to the meeting. Apparently K-Ron cracked her whip and Claudia missed an art class and Logan cut football practice and what in the Hell? She made Claudia miss a class her parents shell out money for and are unable to get a refund for the classes she misses due to this bullshit here? And Logan cut football practice, probably fucking up his one chance to get into college. RUN, MALLORY! THIS IS YOUR CHANCE!
Kristy broke the news and how's it unfair for Mallory's parents to make her quit and no, it's really not. Claudia suggests signing a petition and they so are not going to care. Logan suggests making signs and marching in front of Mal's house while they shout things like 'Unfair!' and 'Free Mallory!', and that's a good way for them to call the cops on you, you little shit. Of course, Mary Anne ever the sensible one, says that they need to accept it and move on.
One vote later, no one wants to replace Mallory, she's too valuable. They are going to tough it out, until she's all better. What in the fresh Hell? Can't you just bring someone in temporary and keep them around as an assiocate when Mal is better? These twats have to do everything the fucking hard way.
So, they name Mal an Honorary member until she comes back. She can't stay a junior member? Does it matter?
Jessi and Mal are happy she's not being replaced and that's the end of the chapter.
Stay tuned kiddies, same time, same snark. Going to eat some lunch and read some more of Gone Girl. Be back soon.