Mallory Pike, #1 Fan! Part 2!
Hey, guys! Let me just say I'm am so sorry for slacking on this snark. I've been way distracted playing Animal Crossing. It's so cute, guys! Plus I've been Skyping with my besties and playing Cards Against Humanity, another thing I highly recommend. So, really I've just been putting off reading about Mal being a disgusting little bratty idiot. She is so dumb, guys. I have to wonder how much of it is shitty teaching and how much of it is Ann hating her. Because she is wicked stupid. Well, let's go!
Part 1!
-Song of the Day-
Chapter 6!
Mal gets another form letter and thinks 'What did it take to get through to this woman?' Jesus, Mal. GET ANOTHER IDEA! Either that or go to the damned library and look up HH's life! I know she's not really to blame (well, mostly) because her dumb teacher said that comparing herself to HH was a good idea after he nixed her original one but c'mon, Mal! I will never again believe that she's one of the 'smart' BSC members.
She thinks about how Alice Anderson is an entitled, demanding little brat and thinks she'll just go to HH's house and demand an interview. So, she takes off and hilariously, Dee asks her where she's going and Mal just says to meet HH. And Dee is all cool with this. 11 year old kid off to some strangers house? No biggie! But you know Dee would be upset she has to watch her kids when Mal ends up in a motel bathtub full of ice.
Mal has trouble finding HH's house because it's off road into the woods. Well, doesn't that sound inviting? But no, Mal this is a much better idea than going to the library! Ann M. Martin! Throwing the approval stamp on preteens going into a stranger's house since '86! She gets to HH's place and when she answers Mal says 'She wore brown-framed glasses with thick lenses, which made it hard to see her eyes.' Why the Hell do people say this? Because last I checked glasses are clear. Since when can you not see through glass? Does Ann realise you have to see through glasses for them to work? This trope always bugged me.
HH asks her what she wants and Mal says 'Didn't you get my letters?!' But at least she realises that was dumb. HH is nice enough about it and invites her in. Inside Mal is impressed that HH heats her water in a kettle rather than a microwave. Gross, I hate hot chocolate made from water. Give me milk. HH asks her whats up and Mal talks about her letters and HH says that she gets so many letters she can't really answer them all. Mal tells her she needs her help with her project and they start working on questions.
Blah blah blah author talk. Mal thanks her and says she still has so many questions. HH asks her how'd she like to make some money. She offers to hire her as an assistant so she can see first hand how an author goes about her day. Mal knows this is a great deal and eagerly agrees. I swear I would punch Mal square in the face just to spend an hour with my fave author. Even though I'd probably go all Knives Chau and just be like 'I read your blog'. And knowing what Mal does later just makes me sigh and want to punch her square in the face even without a reward. At least she'd finally have an excuse to get a nose job.
Chapter 7!
Mal starts working for HH the next day and HH works off a typewriter and Mal asks why she doesn't use a computer. HH is like 'Oh, that's high technology! But this typewriter is amazing! I can see two sentences before I print!' Whoa, slow down there, Barton Fink! That is high technology! I would give up my laptop in a minute if I could see two whole sentences! Who needs cut and paste when you can write that shit manually? I'm gonna head right to the antique store and get me one right away! Two sentences!
Anyway, HH asks Mal to do some filing and it's mad dull. Mal notices a pink bedroom and asks if it's her daughters room. HH goes pale and says it was her daughter's room but she died. Mal is mortified of course and I wonder why she asked in the first place. How nosy. HH says she'd rather not talk about it and that should be end of story, right? It would be for me but I have um...what's that called again? Oh, yeah. Fucking tact! You know, I usually thought Mal was better than the baboons she's related to but in this book she proves she belongs right there in the monkey house with them.
A phone call comes in about doing an Alice reunion book and Mal runs to tell HH about it. Okay, she said she didn't want to be interrupted while she's writing. Why the Hell is Mal bugging her about a phone call? She said she doesn't want to answer the phone at the moment. HH isn't writing at the moment anyway. She's holding a picture of her daughter and staring off to space. But she pops right back to life when Mal tells her about the phone call.
Mal goes back to filing and it takes so long it starts getting dark. HH offers to get her a cab after dinner which would you kindly share with me? You're far too nice to this twit, HH. It's gonna bite you in the ass because SMS does nothing to educate it's students. When Mal goes home she hopes people are watching and thinking how fancy a cab is. Oh, Mal. You're such a baby. I'm sure Stacey would roll her eyes because 'Uh, I took taxis all the time in NYC!' She starts writing her stupid play and it's wicked stupid with herself as a shining angel of virtue and her siblings as the apes they are. Yeah, I'm not reading that crap. Also she uses the name 'Ranessa'. So creative! Jesus, Mal. Invest in a baby name book, you idiot!
Chapter 8!
A Kids Club chapter. Mal is mad annoying because she says writing has to be autobiographical. When Stacey points out that J.M. Barrie wasn't a magic, flying angel of death boy and Mal says he isn't considered a great author. Mal, you fucking numbskull. What was autobiographical about your story about mice being chased by a troll? Fucking twit. Another thing I'll point out is that Stacey had mice in her NYC apartment. Great city there, Ann! Also in a total OOC moment, Becca and Charlotte are in this play. Right. Suzanne Weyn is an idiot. And the names Mal uses are so stupid I got a headache. Yeah, let's skip the rest and look at the kitty.
What are cats? We just don't know.
Chapter 9!
At school after class, Mal talks to Mr. W about her project. He asks her what resources she's using and she's like 'Uh, the actual author?' He says that's not good enough and does anyone else get the feeling he's just trying to give her a hard time? So, Mal does what she should have done in the first place and goes to the library. There she finds out that HH had a pretty bad life with her family dying, a messy divorce and her daughter dying. And does this make Mal feel any sympathy and impressed that someone with so hard a life could still be optimistic enough to write such happy books? Of course not! She just can't believe that vile snake lied to her! Oh, Mal. You hideous little back pimple.
Chapter 10!
Another dumb Kids Club chapter. At least Suzanne finally looked at her cheat sheet and realised Char wouldn't want to perform. The other PIke kids come and totally own Mal by pointing out how dumb she was hiding this from them and her total Sue-ism with her part. She whines at them that 'all writing must come from life!' and I just can't with her anymore. You're a fucking idiot, Mal. The other Pikes say they'll picket the play and hand out fliers saying she's an 'untalented nut'. Ha! Finally someone told her! Now write it down and staple it to her forehead.
Part 1!
-Song of the Day-
Chapter 6!
Mal gets another form letter and thinks 'What did it take to get through to this woman?' Jesus, Mal. GET ANOTHER IDEA! Either that or go to the damned library and look up HH's life! I know she's not really to blame (well, mostly) because her dumb teacher said that comparing herself to HH was a good idea after he nixed her original one but c'mon, Mal! I will never again believe that she's one of the 'smart' BSC members.
She thinks about how Alice Anderson is an entitled, demanding little brat and thinks she'll just go to HH's house and demand an interview. So, she takes off and hilariously, Dee asks her where she's going and Mal just says to meet HH. And Dee is all cool with this. 11 year old kid off to some strangers house? No biggie! But you know Dee would be upset she has to watch her kids when Mal ends up in a motel bathtub full of ice.
Mal has trouble finding HH's house because it's off road into the woods. Well, doesn't that sound inviting? But no, Mal this is a much better idea than going to the library! Ann M. Martin! Throwing the approval stamp on preteens going into a stranger's house since '86! She gets to HH's place and when she answers Mal says 'She wore brown-framed glasses with thick lenses, which made it hard to see her eyes.' Why the Hell do people say this? Because last I checked glasses are clear. Since when can you not see through glass? Does Ann realise you have to see through glasses for them to work? This trope always bugged me.
HH asks her what she wants and Mal says 'Didn't you get my letters?!' But at least she realises that was dumb. HH is nice enough about it and invites her in. Inside Mal is impressed that HH heats her water in a kettle rather than a microwave. Gross, I hate hot chocolate made from water. Give me milk. HH asks her whats up and Mal talks about her letters and HH says that she gets so many letters she can't really answer them all. Mal tells her she needs her help with her project and they start working on questions.
Blah blah blah author talk. Mal thanks her and says she still has so many questions. HH asks her how'd she like to make some money. She offers to hire her as an assistant so she can see first hand how an author goes about her day. Mal knows this is a great deal and eagerly agrees. I swear I would punch Mal square in the face just to spend an hour with my fave author. Even though I'd probably go all Knives Chau and just be like 'I read your blog'. And knowing what Mal does later just makes me sigh and want to punch her square in the face even without a reward. At least she'd finally have an excuse to get a nose job.
Chapter 7!
Mal starts working for HH the next day and HH works off a typewriter and Mal asks why she doesn't use a computer. HH is like 'Oh, that's high technology! But this typewriter is amazing! I can see two sentences before I print!' Whoa, slow down there, Barton Fink! That is high technology! I would give up my laptop in a minute if I could see two whole sentences! Who needs cut and paste when you can write that shit manually? I'm gonna head right to the antique store and get me one right away! Two sentences!
Anyway, HH asks Mal to do some filing and it's mad dull. Mal notices a pink bedroom and asks if it's her daughters room. HH goes pale and says it was her daughter's room but she died. Mal is mortified of course and I wonder why she asked in the first place. How nosy. HH says she'd rather not talk about it and that should be end of story, right? It would be for me but I have um...what's that called again? Oh, yeah. Fucking tact! You know, I usually thought Mal was better than the baboons she's related to but in this book she proves she belongs right there in the monkey house with them.
A phone call comes in about doing an Alice reunion book and Mal runs to tell HH about it. Okay, she said she didn't want to be interrupted while she's writing. Why the Hell is Mal bugging her about a phone call? She said she doesn't want to answer the phone at the moment. HH isn't writing at the moment anyway. She's holding a picture of her daughter and staring off to space. But she pops right back to life when Mal tells her about the phone call.
Mal goes back to filing and it takes so long it starts getting dark. HH offers to get her a cab after dinner which would you kindly share with me? You're far too nice to this twit, HH. It's gonna bite you in the ass because SMS does nothing to educate it's students. When Mal goes home she hopes people are watching and thinking how fancy a cab is. Oh, Mal. You're such a baby. I'm sure Stacey would roll her eyes because 'Uh, I took taxis all the time in NYC!' She starts writing her stupid play and it's wicked stupid with herself as a shining angel of virtue and her siblings as the apes they are. Yeah, I'm not reading that crap. Also she uses the name 'Ranessa'. So creative! Jesus, Mal. Invest in a baby name book, you idiot!
Chapter 8!
A Kids Club chapter. Mal is mad annoying because she says writing has to be autobiographical. When Stacey points out that J.M. Barrie wasn't a magic, flying angel of death boy and Mal says he isn't considered a great author. Mal, you fucking numbskull. What was autobiographical about your story about mice being chased by a troll? Fucking twit. Another thing I'll point out is that Stacey had mice in her NYC apartment. Great city there, Ann! Also in a total OOC moment, Becca and Charlotte are in this play. Right. Suzanne Weyn is an idiot. And the names Mal uses are so stupid I got a headache. Yeah, let's skip the rest and look at the kitty.
What are cats? We just don't know.
Chapter 9!
At school after class, Mal talks to Mr. W about her project. He asks her what resources she's using and she's like 'Uh, the actual author?' He says that's not good enough and does anyone else get the feeling he's just trying to give her a hard time? So, Mal does what she should have done in the first place and goes to the library. There she finds out that HH had a pretty bad life with her family dying, a messy divorce and her daughter dying. And does this make Mal feel any sympathy and impressed that someone with so hard a life could still be optimistic enough to write such happy books? Of course not! She just can't believe that vile snake lied to her! Oh, Mal. You hideous little back pimple.
Chapter 10!
Another dumb Kids Club chapter. At least Suzanne finally looked at her cheat sheet and realised Char wouldn't want to perform. The other PIke kids come and totally own Mal by pointing out how dumb she was hiding this from them and her total Sue-ism with her part. She whines at them that 'all writing must come from life!' and I just can't with her anymore. You're a fucking idiot, Mal. The other Pikes say they'll picket the play and hand out fliers saying she's an 'untalented nut'. Ha! Finally someone told her! Now write it down and staple it to her forehead.