Mallory Hates Boys (and Gym)! Part 1!
Hello, hello, hello! How are you guys? Me? I'm flipping great because of this news. I swear to God, this game was made specifically for me. 1) I'm a HUGE Silent Hill fan. Like crazy about it, love it to pieces in love with every last detail fan. 2) Guillermo del Toro is working on it and he's my all time favourite director. 3) Well, we all know my feelings on Norman Reedus. So, I've spent the last day screaming in joy because this is just amazing. I got all Enigma of Amigara Fault about this and keep screaming, 'This is my game! It was made for me!'
Let's look at the cover a mo:
Mal looks a lot like Daria in my opinion. Also wow, those clothes are baggy. When I was in gym I never wore my clothes that baggy. And Mal, these boys are easy to mock right back. Just point out that haircut. Or call the boy in the short shorts Richard Simmons. It's not hard to bring boys down. They have the most fragile egos. Anyway, I'm in a very excite mood and snarking this book which drove me crazy. Not gonna lie, I hated Mallory when I was little. H.A.T.E.D. Now I wonder how much of it was Ann's doing. In my physical copy of this book the margins are full of mean comments and unflattering pictures. So, really, I've been doing private snarks since the early 90s. Let's dive right in!
-Song of the Day!-
Chapter 1!
Ah, yes. We start with a vocabulary word. Not that I'm really complaining. The BSC taught me a lot of words. Kinda like Calvin & Hobbes. I'm still waiting for my chance to use 'A pair o' pathetic peripatetics'. Mal is saying that the Pike household is an example of pandemonium. Um, yeah? It always is, Mal. Why bother pointing it out now? She really wants attention because she repeats the pandemonium thing twice since no one cared the first time. Whenever I hear the word 'pandemonium' I think of this book and also this stone cold fox:
Dee comes in and orders the kids outside. One thing I notice is she tells Vanessa to beat feet when she was watching tv. Why not let her watch tv? Why does anyone in the 'Brook even have a tv if they never watch it? It's not the tv from The Video Dead. It's not gonna kill you. She also asks Mal to watch Claire for her even though she was just playing just fine by herself. Maybe if you didn't tell her to put her puzzle away she could have *gasp* watched herself?! She's five. She'll do just fine with you in the next room making phone calls. Jesus.
Mal says sorry, she can't. Ben's coming over so they can do their homework together. She offers to watch Claire later once Ben leaves and Jesus. SHE WILL BE FINE, DEE!! Maybe if you did something to actually discipline your little wild apes, they wouldn't need constant surveillance so they won't set the damn house on fire! When I was little I had a playroom that I would stay in all the time and I didn't need to be under watch. My mom would yell my name and I would yell back to show that I was okay. They're kids, not spinning plates! You can take your eyes off them for a minute!
Mal goes to get ready before Ben shows up and of course, that means whining about her looks. She whines that 11 is a perfectly fine age to have contacts because she's oh, so mature. Shut up, Mal. You dumb baby. Now I know there's people on this comm who had contacts at that age and I'm not saying anything against you. I'm saying against that these girls swear up and down that they're 'So grown-up!' when they're little kids. Besides, Mal, Ann hates you. I bet the minute you put a contact in, your whole face will swell up in a raging infection and you'll end up in an eye patch. And you know what that leads to:
Blah blah blah. Ben is so perfect! Did anyone else find it weird that he and Mal looked alike? I guess Ann thought that gingers only belong with other gingers. Because who the Hell else would want them, amirite?! So basically Ann is Cartman when he made Token and the black girl get together. When Ben comes over, they go to study and are interrupted when Frodo runs across Mal's shoe. How the Hell did she feel that?! She says she felt 'something furry' so how does that work? Is she wearing sandals? It's like, winter? Even as a kid this bugged me.
Of course, it was her brothers and why do they let their hamster out of his cage to run around so often? God, the Pike kids are dumb. Some day Frodo is gonna get tired of being hassled and neglected and run away to have adventures like Hamtaro. Then they use a toy megaphone of Nicky's to make kissy noises and pretend to be Ben and Mal acting all smoopy. Mal is furious but Ben is all cool with it. And because Mal needs fuel for her 'Boys suck!' flame, Claire comes in and asks if they want lemonade. Well, it was Dee's idea so I don't see how that counts. I'm pretty sure Claire wouldn't be that thoughtful on her own. Because the Pike boys are brats, Mal and Ben end up going to his house to study.
At Ben's house they're able to work because his brothers are playing video games. Mal says how they're such great brothers and Ben is like 'Haha, yeah but no'. Mal is like 'I'd give anything to switch brothers!' so we all know where that stupidity will lead. Ben offers her some cake which is weird because they just had cookies at Mal's house. But not gonna lie, I'd probably do the same though I'm not a big cake fan. Mal says she has to eat and run because Kristy is a fascist.
Chapter 2!
She gets to the BSC meeting and everyone acts all stupid because she was at Ben's. MA, who has Logan with her, is like so what we were at the library and they all hoot over that too. God, I'm glad I'm not a teenager any more. Exposition, exposition. Skim skim skim. Proving she's angling for Satan's place as King of All Lies, Mal says Kristy isn't snooty and also a lot of fun. I had to have teeth pulled when I was little and that was much more fun than a minute with K-Ron. At least I got a toy after!
Oh, wow. Get a load of this Claudia get-up: 'a pair of soft, balloony, purple pants; a neon green long-sleeve leotard top; a wide, red braided belt; and a pair of soft, red ballet shoes. Her hair was swept into a French braid with wispy tendrils hanging loose. From one ear dangled a long earring made up of small papier-mâché tropical fruit. In the other ear, where she had two holes, Claudia wore two small papier- mâché hoops'. And Stacey was mocking a legit colour-blind person when her BFF wears this? Lemme put together a quick colour chart for you:
Does that look any kind of good? Of course it doesn't! And the colours I used were muted. So, can you imagine the eye-searing awfulness of that combo? Sheesh! Mal says the old song and dance about how if she wore that, she'd look like a lunatic! But Claudia looks like a fashion model! Stop coddling her, man. I know she's dumber than an empty toolbox but you're not helping her any by encouraging her dressing like a nightmare clown. I just imagine her showing up to a job interview like that and they'd be like 'We're not hiring right now. We'll call if we ever need someone to stand in for Jackson Pollock's vomit.'
Another thing that sticks out is that Mrs. Bruno calls for a job that Logan was supposed to take but Mrs. B wanted to give him a break. Everyone is busy because there's a PTA meeting that night so Logan has to take the job after all. Mrs. B says she tried her best and this got me curious. Did she dare to call non-BSC sitters? So either she's lying about trying her best or there are non-BSC sitters in the 'Brook. How K-Ron didn't absolutely explode about this is a mystery.
After the meeting ends, Mal and Jessi walk home together and Jessi mentions that they're going to be starting co-ed volleyball in gym. Mal promptly shits herself because ewww! Boys! Ewww! Volleyball! And I can't fault her really since I was the same way but my God, does her over-reacting whining get annoying fast! Of course, I'm comparing my own experience with gym to her's and I'll admit, I had it a lot easier. First off, I never had to do co-ed anything. Second off, my gym teacher really didn't give a fuck and we could half-ass everything and get away with it. Third off, my gym teacher liked stories about my spooky house and would excuse me once in a while if I would tell her ghost stories. So really, I had it much easier. But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna bring the hammer down on Mal.
Chapter 3!
Monday morning, Mal wakes up in a panic because it's gym day. She chooses to wear a denim jumpsuit that she never wears because it's too 'high style'...Mal? Come over here so I can hit you over the head with something blunt. Why are you always whining that your parents won't let you dress more mature when you have something that I'm sure is in Stacey's closet? You never shut up about dressing like a little kid and you have something you consider 'high style' and you don't wear it? Are you just looking for things to complain about? You know what, I bet you are. Also I looked up denim jumpsuits and they are by far the least unfashionable jumpsuits I've seen. I would even go as far as to say they're cute. In conclusion, shut up, Mal.
At breakfast, Dee asks Mal what's wrong and Mal whines about gym and boys and sucking at sports because she has sucky genes. Hilariously, John (that's Mr. P, right?) says he and Dee have great genes and rock at tennis. Ah hahahaha! Way to burn your daughter, John!
Mal asks if she can stay home and promises to study all day. But then the boys all start yelling that they want to stay home too and the pisses off the mama and daddy and they say no one is staying home. Which of course, makes Mal tuck away that little experience into her 'Boys suck' file.
At school, she says she would have done better staying at home because she can't concentrate with gym looming over her like a great looming thing. And ah, now I remember why I hate Mal in this book. Because she has these super stupid fantasies about what will happen if she plays volleyball. Like she'll get hit in the head and get amnesia and her parents will weep about making her play. You're not Ralphie from A Christmas Story, Mal. His fantasies were amusing and entertaining. It also gives her the idea to pretend to faint so she can skip gym. Right, lemme know how that works out for you, Pike.
As she's changing for gym, she realises she's too embarrassed to faint with Jessi there. So, she waits for Jessi to leave and drops to the ground. She waits for the cries of horror and don't think so high of yourself, Mal. Ann hates you. If you actually fainted, people would laugh at you and draw dongs on your face and shave half your hair. Although I personally think side shaved hair would look pretty good on you. But she hears nothing and peeks and realises the locker room is empty. Waa waa!
She gets up and her teacher, Ms. Walden comes in and yells at her for taking so long. Mal tries to tell her she doesn't feel good but Mr. W doesn't hear her. Jeeze, Mal. You're alone with her! Tell her you're on your period! Oh, wait. No one menstruates in the 'Brook. Never mind. Ms. W tells Mal to grab some box and head for the gym. And guess what?! I didn't have a gym in middle school either! What a shock! We did have a big locker room that had this weird shower maze that you were supposed to walk through. But by the time I was going there, showers had been fazed out.
Blah blah blah. Filler about what the gym looks like. Ms. W tells Mal to write her name on a piece of paper drop it in a basket. They draw names at random to separate into teams and Mal hopes she gets paired with Jessi. Jessi asks her if she's okay and she whines about how she's gonna make a fool of herself. She also says Jessi looks much better in her uniforme and asks her if she irons it. Jessi says aunt Cecelia does and Mal thinks she'll start ironing her's.
They get separated into teams and when Mal walks over to her team she gets all self-conscious about her arms and Ms. W yells at her to move her ass. Mal blames Ms. W for drawing attention to her when she brought it on herself. Their team captain is some girl named Helen who is 'one of those very athletic girls Ms. Walden just adores'. Oh, you mean just like your beloved dictator, K-Ron? Let's watch as Mal hates on this random girl for being exactly like K-Ron.
Helen asks her how her serve is and and Mal says not great. So, Helen puts her in the middle end where she'll be mostly out of the way. The game starts and the guy serving for the other team, Chris serves right at Mal. She of course, screams and jumps away. You know, Mal, I hated gym and volleyball too. But I at least half-assed a try at hitting the ball. Chris knows what the what what and keeps serving to Mal. And she doesn't even try. Like, really she doesn't do anything but run away and then wonders why her team gets pissed at her. Some guy named Robbie says to let him hit it back and when he does he steps on her foot and knocks her over. And I'm gonna admit that I laughed because her team doesn't give a shit about her and just cheers that they got a point. Like I said, I hate Mal in this book and just bathe in schadenfreude.
Once her team has the ball it goes a little easier but she still makes zero effort to actually you know, do something. She even says she's just trying to look like she's doing something but not making any kind of effort. She says the boys are like animals with the way they play. Which yeah, boys do get pretty stupid about competition. Just be glad you don't have to play on X-Box Live with the little shits that infest it now.
Chapter 4!
After school, Mal is still limping around like a big overacting baby butt. Jesus Christ, Mal! Shut up! I injure myself daily and I don't act like I belong in traction. She goes to sit for the Newton's and makes sure to exaggerate her limp so Mrs. N can feel bad for her. She also says 'Whatever' to Mrs. N and I always found that really rude. I would not let some little 11 year old brat say whatever to me. And then there's a sitting job with Jamie acting up because boys are demons in this book. Blah blah blah. Let's take a dip in cuteness.
Chapter 5!
Jesus, another one?! Jessi is sitting for her siblings and Squirt is acting like a brat. Maybe he became self aware and realised he's named after a gross soda. Or something far more dirty. When Jessi tells Mal about it, the stupidity cogs start spinning in her crusty ol' brain and she thinks 'Say! All these people being jerks are boys! Hur de hur hur!' True Mal, but K-Ron and Stacey aren't boys (well, K-Ron might be) and they're far worse than any of the boys in this book. For someone always whining about how bloody mature she is, Mal whines like a professional baby. Shut up, Mal!
Let's look at the cover a mo:
Mal looks a lot like Daria in my opinion. Also wow, those clothes are baggy. When I was in gym I never wore my clothes that baggy. And Mal, these boys are easy to mock right back. Just point out that haircut. Or call the boy in the short shorts Richard Simmons. It's not hard to bring boys down. They have the most fragile egos. Anyway, I'm in a very excite mood and snarking this book which drove me crazy. Not gonna lie, I hated Mallory when I was little. H.A.T.E.D. Now I wonder how much of it was Ann's doing. In my physical copy of this book the margins are full of mean comments and unflattering pictures. So, really, I've been doing private snarks since the early 90s. Let's dive right in!
-Song of the Day!-
Chapter 1!
Ah, yes. We start with a vocabulary word. Not that I'm really complaining. The BSC taught me a lot of words. Kinda like Calvin & Hobbes. I'm still waiting for my chance to use 'A pair o' pathetic peripatetics'. Mal is saying that the Pike household is an example of pandemonium. Um, yeah? It always is, Mal. Why bother pointing it out now? She really wants attention because she repeats the pandemonium thing twice since no one cared the first time. Whenever I hear the word 'pandemonium' I think of this book and also this stone cold fox:
Dee comes in and orders the kids outside. One thing I notice is she tells Vanessa to beat feet when she was watching tv. Why not let her watch tv? Why does anyone in the 'Brook even have a tv if they never watch it? It's not the tv from The Video Dead. It's not gonna kill you. She also asks Mal to watch Claire for her even though she was just playing just fine by herself. Maybe if you didn't tell her to put her puzzle away she could have *gasp* watched herself?! She's five. She'll do just fine with you in the next room making phone calls. Jesus.
Mal says sorry, she can't. Ben's coming over so they can do their homework together. She offers to watch Claire later once Ben leaves and Jesus. SHE WILL BE FINE, DEE!! Maybe if you did something to actually discipline your little wild apes, they wouldn't need constant surveillance so they won't set the damn house on fire! When I was little I had a playroom that I would stay in all the time and I didn't need to be under watch. My mom would yell my name and I would yell back to show that I was okay. They're kids, not spinning plates! You can take your eyes off them for a minute!
Mal goes to get ready before Ben shows up and of course, that means whining about her looks. She whines that 11 is a perfectly fine age to have contacts because she's oh, so mature. Shut up, Mal. You dumb baby. Now I know there's people on this comm who had contacts at that age and I'm not saying anything against you. I'm saying against that these girls swear up and down that they're 'So grown-up!' when they're little kids. Besides, Mal, Ann hates you. I bet the minute you put a contact in, your whole face will swell up in a raging infection and you'll end up in an eye patch. And you know what that leads to:
Blah blah blah. Ben is so perfect! Did anyone else find it weird that he and Mal looked alike? I guess Ann thought that gingers only belong with other gingers. Because who the Hell else would want them, amirite?! So basically Ann is Cartman when he made Token and the black girl get together. When Ben comes over, they go to study and are interrupted when Frodo runs across Mal's shoe. How the Hell did she feel that?! She says she felt 'something furry' so how does that work? Is she wearing sandals? It's like, winter? Even as a kid this bugged me.
Of course, it was her brothers and why do they let their hamster out of his cage to run around so often? God, the Pike kids are dumb. Some day Frodo is gonna get tired of being hassled and neglected and run away to have adventures like Hamtaro. Then they use a toy megaphone of Nicky's to make kissy noises and pretend to be Ben and Mal acting all smoopy. Mal is furious but Ben is all cool with it. And because Mal needs fuel for her 'Boys suck!' flame, Claire comes in and asks if they want lemonade. Well, it was Dee's idea so I don't see how that counts. I'm pretty sure Claire wouldn't be that thoughtful on her own. Because the Pike boys are brats, Mal and Ben end up going to his house to study.
At Ben's house they're able to work because his brothers are playing video games. Mal says how they're such great brothers and Ben is like 'Haha, yeah but no'. Mal is like 'I'd give anything to switch brothers!' so we all know where that stupidity will lead. Ben offers her some cake which is weird because they just had cookies at Mal's house. But not gonna lie, I'd probably do the same though I'm not a big cake fan. Mal says she has to eat and run because Kristy is a fascist.
Chapter 2!
She gets to the BSC meeting and everyone acts all stupid because she was at Ben's. MA, who has Logan with her, is like so what we were at the library and they all hoot over that too. God, I'm glad I'm not a teenager any more. Exposition, exposition. Skim skim skim. Proving she's angling for Satan's place as King of All Lies, Mal says Kristy isn't snooty and also a lot of fun. I had to have teeth pulled when I was little and that was much more fun than a minute with K-Ron. At least I got a toy after!
Oh, wow. Get a load of this Claudia get-up: 'a pair of soft, balloony, purple pants; a neon green long-sleeve leotard top; a wide, red braided belt; and a pair of soft, red ballet shoes. Her hair was swept into a French braid with wispy tendrils hanging loose. From one ear dangled a long earring made up of small papier-mâché tropical fruit. In the other ear, where she had two holes, Claudia wore two small papier- mâché hoops'. And Stacey was mocking a legit colour-blind person when her BFF wears this? Lemme put together a quick colour chart for you:
Does that look any kind of good? Of course it doesn't! And the colours I used were muted. So, can you imagine the eye-searing awfulness of that combo? Sheesh! Mal says the old song and dance about how if she wore that, she'd look like a lunatic! But Claudia looks like a fashion model! Stop coddling her, man. I know she's dumber than an empty toolbox but you're not helping her any by encouraging her dressing like a nightmare clown. I just imagine her showing up to a job interview like that and they'd be like 'We're not hiring right now. We'll call if we ever need someone to stand in for Jackson Pollock's vomit.'
Another thing that sticks out is that Mrs. Bruno calls for a job that Logan was supposed to take but Mrs. B wanted to give him a break. Everyone is busy because there's a PTA meeting that night so Logan has to take the job after all. Mrs. B says she tried her best and this got me curious. Did she dare to call non-BSC sitters? So either she's lying about trying her best or there are non-BSC sitters in the 'Brook. How K-Ron didn't absolutely explode about this is a mystery.
After the meeting ends, Mal and Jessi walk home together and Jessi mentions that they're going to be starting co-ed volleyball in gym. Mal promptly shits herself because ewww! Boys! Ewww! Volleyball! And I can't fault her really since I was the same way but my God, does her over-reacting whining get annoying fast! Of course, I'm comparing my own experience with gym to her's and I'll admit, I had it a lot easier. First off, I never had to do co-ed anything. Second off, my gym teacher really didn't give a fuck and we could half-ass everything and get away with it. Third off, my gym teacher liked stories about my spooky house and would excuse me once in a while if I would tell her ghost stories. So really, I had it much easier. But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna bring the hammer down on Mal.
Chapter 3!
Monday morning, Mal wakes up in a panic because it's gym day. She chooses to wear a denim jumpsuit that she never wears because it's too 'high style'...Mal? Come over here so I can hit you over the head with something blunt. Why are you always whining that your parents won't let you dress more mature when you have something that I'm sure is in Stacey's closet? You never shut up about dressing like a little kid and you have something you consider 'high style' and you don't wear it? Are you just looking for things to complain about? You know what, I bet you are. Also I looked up denim jumpsuits and they are by far the least unfashionable jumpsuits I've seen. I would even go as far as to say they're cute. In conclusion, shut up, Mal.
At breakfast, Dee asks Mal what's wrong and Mal whines about gym and boys and sucking at sports because she has sucky genes. Hilariously, John (that's Mr. P, right?) says he and Dee have great genes and rock at tennis. Ah hahahaha! Way to burn your daughter, John!
Mal asks if she can stay home and promises to study all day. But then the boys all start yelling that they want to stay home too and the pisses off the mama and daddy and they say no one is staying home. Which of course, makes Mal tuck away that little experience into her 'Boys suck' file.
At school, she says she would have done better staying at home because she can't concentrate with gym looming over her like a great looming thing. And ah, now I remember why I hate Mal in this book. Because she has these super stupid fantasies about what will happen if she plays volleyball. Like she'll get hit in the head and get amnesia and her parents will weep about making her play. You're not Ralphie from A Christmas Story, Mal. His fantasies were amusing and entertaining. It also gives her the idea to pretend to faint so she can skip gym. Right, lemme know how that works out for you, Pike.
As she's changing for gym, she realises she's too embarrassed to faint with Jessi there. So, she waits for Jessi to leave and drops to the ground. She waits for the cries of horror and don't think so high of yourself, Mal. Ann hates you. If you actually fainted, people would laugh at you and draw dongs on your face and shave half your hair. Although I personally think side shaved hair would look pretty good on you. But she hears nothing and peeks and realises the locker room is empty. Waa waa!
She gets up and her teacher, Ms. Walden comes in and yells at her for taking so long. Mal tries to tell her she doesn't feel good but Mr. W doesn't hear her. Jeeze, Mal. You're alone with her! Tell her you're on your period! Oh, wait. No one menstruates in the 'Brook. Never mind. Ms. W tells Mal to grab some box and head for the gym. And guess what?! I didn't have a gym in middle school either! What a shock! We did have a big locker room that had this weird shower maze that you were supposed to walk through. But by the time I was going there, showers had been fazed out.
Blah blah blah. Filler about what the gym looks like. Ms. W tells Mal to write her name on a piece of paper drop it in a basket. They draw names at random to separate into teams and Mal hopes she gets paired with Jessi. Jessi asks her if she's okay and she whines about how she's gonna make a fool of herself. She also says Jessi looks much better in her uniforme and asks her if she irons it. Jessi says aunt Cecelia does and Mal thinks she'll start ironing her's.
They get separated into teams and when Mal walks over to her team she gets all self-conscious about her arms and Ms. W yells at her to move her ass. Mal blames Ms. W for drawing attention to her when she brought it on herself. Their team captain is some girl named Helen who is 'one of those very athletic girls Ms. Walden just adores'. Oh, you mean just like your beloved dictator, K-Ron? Let's watch as Mal hates on this random girl for being exactly like K-Ron.
Helen asks her how her serve is and and Mal says not great. So, Helen puts her in the middle end where she'll be mostly out of the way. The game starts and the guy serving for the other team, Chris serves right at Mal. She of course, screams and jumps away. You know, Mal, I hated gym and volleyball too. But I at least half-assed a try at hitting the ball. Chris knows what the what what and keeps serving to Mal. And she doesn't even try. Like, really she doesn't do anything but run away and then wonders why her team gets pissed at her. Some guy named Robbie says to let him hit it back and when he does he steps on her foot and knocks her over. And I'm gonna admit that I laughed because her team doesn't give a shit about her and just cheers that they got a point. Like I said, I hate Mal in this book and just bathe in schadenfreude.
Once her team has the ball it goes a little easier but she still makes zero effort to actually you know, do something. She even says she's just trying to look like she's doing something but not making any kind of effort. She says the boys are like animals with the way they play. Which yeah, boys do get pretty stupid about competition. Just be glad you don't have to play on X-Box Live with the little shits that infest it now.
Chapter 4!
After school, Mal is still limping around like a big overacting baby butt. Jesus Christ, Mal! Shut up! I injure myself daily and I don't act like I belong in traction. She goes to sit for the Newton's and makes sure to exaggerate her limp so Mrs. N can feel bad for her. She also says 'Whatever' to Mrs. N and I always found that really rude. I would not let some little 11 year old brat say whatever to me. And then there's a sitting job with Jamie acting up because boys are demons in this book. Blah blah blah. Let's take a dip in cuteness.
Chapter 5!
Jesus, another one?! Jessi is sitting for her siblings and Squirt is acting like a brat. Maybe he became self aware and realised he's named after a gross soda. Or something far more dirty. When Jessi tells Mal about it, the stupidity cogs start spinning in her crusty ol' brain and she thinks 'Say! All these people being jerks are boys! Hur de hur hur!' True Mal, but K-Ron and Stacey aren't boys (well, K-Ron might be) and they're far worse than any of the boys in this book. For someone always whining about how bloody mature she is, Mal whines like a professional baby. Shut up, Mal!