#82 Jessi and the Troublemaker Part Two!
Here comes Part Two, in which we learn that AMM has never even seen water before. Hold on to your seats!
Chapter six! Jessi gets a Look for doing a jete into Claud's room at 5:32. Then she looks around the room and gets indignant, because she didn't deserve the Look; Stacey isn't there at all! Claudia is frowning at her bag of pretzels. Dawn, incidentally, has brought "a low-fat trail mix she made herself." Low fat trail mix? How does that even work? Trail mix is made of fruit, cereal and nuts. Cereal is very low in fat, fruit is fat free, and nuts don't come in a low fat variety. Is she just sitting there eating a bag of dry cereal? And I want to see the BSC reunion story where Dawn has a crippling case of type 2 diabetes from eating high-carb and low-fat every day of her life, and Stacey has to find a new trait because they already share blondness and it's just too confusing.
As the meeting continues, Claud wonders if Stacey's okay. Kristy keeps checking her watch, frowning, and giving "a little snort" like the pig baby in Alice in Wonderland.
Mary Anne brings up what happened at Danielle's house the other day. She stresses that "it's kind of logical in a way" that Danielle hurled herself down the basement steps because she wasn't allowed outside. Claud says "It's not like she's the worst kid ever or something," and all the sitters nod their heads, remembering the foster child who had the audacity to be traumatized. Mallory tries to empathize, remembering how good it felt to finally get over her mono. Then Jessi tells the story about Danielle knocking a bookcase over on her mother's rollerblades, and Kristy is angry when Claud admits she hasn't read about it in the notebook yet.
Finally, they all decide to do nothing about this since, as Dawn reminds them, her parents don't seem concerned. Then Jessi reveals that Aunt Cecelia is getting MARRIED and the sitters go crazy. I am so physically embarrassed for Jessi right now that I want to commit harikari, but I'm even more embarrassed for the sitters, who start inviting themselves to the ceremony. Dawn says "I'll be glad to help you figure out yummy, healthy food for the wedding," because that's really something Aunt Cecilia will want. Kristi wrinkles her nose at the idea of Jessi wearing a dress.
Then the phone rings, and it's Stacey. She says she can't come to the meeting, but doesn't give an excuse. Kristy of course takes this out on everyone else, angrily stomping out of the room after the meeting like a toddler.
Chapter seven! The humiliating subplot again. Aunt Cecelia announced that she was going to go browsing at Washington Mall today, so Jessi and Becca tagged along to pick out a wedding outfit and a present. The part of Aunt Cecilia is apparently being played by Kristy in blackface this evening, because she not only lists a bunch of rules but makes the three of them "coordinate watches."
Becca wants to buy a tuxedo for Squirt. The clerk at the specialty baby boutique patiently shows them all sorts of wedding baby outfits; then Jessi remembers that they don't have much money and pulls Becca away without buying anything. I can't believe how incredibly rude it was for her to waste the clerk's time like that.
Becca agrees that this is a "preliminary shopping expedition" to price things before they buy their clothes. I fume a little at people who automatically buy everything at the mall instead of going to thrift stores first followed by Wal Mart or buying it cheap online, because I'm a bitter old bitch and I'm poor.
At JC Penney's, Becca eyes a lamp, and Jessi asides that "I can't exactly describe it except to say that I didn't think it was quite right for a wedding present." See, this is why writers are supposed to show and not tell, Nola/Ann. All I can imagine is that Becca wants to buy Aunt Cecelia one of those lamps shaped like a sexy severed human leg.
Jessi says not to buy the lamp, because they might move into Mr. Major's house, and she doesn't know what his decorating scheme is.
They try on perfume; Jessi asides that "It doesn't hurt to smell good for a wedding too." Really, Jessi? Now I wish I hadn't rolled in pig crap before my wedding. The more you know.
Speaking of pig crap, Becca sprays some perfume that smells nasty onto Jessi's arm, and Jessi screams "Euwww" before running away from another pissed off clerk. Here's an activity you can try at home: try saying "Euwww" aloud. Just try. Imagine being in the middle of a mall and hearing someone expressing her disgust with a diphthong followed by a very long drawn-out consonant. "Euwww." And then Becca says "Pee-youuuuu," which is nearly as bad.
Jessi finds the perfect pink dress for the wedding, but it's too expensive. Becca reminds her that they haven't even been told when the wedding is; it might be marked down by then. Jessi agrees, and puts it back on an obscure part of the rack where she hopes no one else will find it. I bet the clerks really appreciate these rude little girls messing up their racks, as well.
The sisters decide to go to Casa Grande for lunch next. I remember being surprised when I found out that Casa Grande is just Spanish for "large house." They go to "Donut Delite" afterwards.
Jessi wonders when Aunt Cecilia will tell them she's getting married. She presumes that "Mamma" and "Daddy" already know, and Aunt Cecelia is just waiting for a good time to tell them. "I wondered if parents could be in weddings." I truly don't know what she means by that... she goes on to wonder if her mother is going to be a bridesmaid and her father the best man, so I guess she assumes that most people's weddings are only attended by giggling teenagers. Also I like how she just assumes that Mr. Major, whom she's never even seen before, will choose her father as the best man instead of somebody he knows.
The two realize that Aunt Cecilia probably won't wear a long white dress, since this is her second wedding-- and I would love to hear the story of Aunt Cecelia's sordid divorce or her husband's tragic death, by the way. Any excuse to hear more about such a subtly nuanced character.
Becca suggests bothering another clerk, this time at a bridal store, and asking them what a second-time bride would wear without buying anything, and I grind my teeth down to the stubs.
Jessi says that's a great idea, and Becca says it's not as good as Danielle's ideas. She comes up with lots of them, and her parents don't seem to mind when they don't work out very well.
Jessi ruminates that Danielle is "getting away with a lot."
When they meet up with Aunt Cecilia, the rude brats find out that she needs extra time, so they go to the bridal shop to ask pointless questions and waste the time of another employee. Jessi says "we almost shopped til we dropped" even though they don't buy a single thing. They do, however, stop at Donut Delite a second time for some "sugar reinforcements."
Jessi falls asleep in the car on the way home. When she wakes up, she asks Aunt Cecilia if she was successful, and Aunt Cecilia refuses to talk about what she bought. If I didn't know that this was all an extremely humiliating mistake, I'd imagine that the bag contained a teddy for the honeymoon, or a highly inappropriate lamp.
Mr. Major is at the house; he greets Aunt Cecilia and calls her "Cece" before offering to carry her bags. Aunt Cecilia says that's fine, but then he has to leave, because she has work to do.
Jessi wrinkles her nose at how unromantic she's being.
Mr. Major and Aunt Cecilia remind each other that they're going to meet somewhere, someday at four o'clock.
Jessi and Becca high-five each other, thinking they've discovered the time of the wedding.
Chapter eight! Kristy arrives to sit for Danielle and Greg while her parents go to a wedding. Greg has an alliterative cold, so of course he's bundled up in bed. I really don't understand why children in books like these were sent to bed if they had colds. I had colds quite a bit growing up, and I didn't spend any extra time in bed; I just blew my nose a lot and took Triaminic. Nola/Ann could at least claim that Greg has the flu, or something that would legitimately put a child to bed all day.
Danielle has invited so many friends over that her parents tell Kristy to call their neighbors if she needs any help. Of course, Kristy is not going to take them up on that, which will prove to be unwise because somebody needs to be watching that wild child Danielle at every minute.
Kristy brings Greg some orange juice with seltzer in it, which Greg doesn't like very much. She congratulates herself on inventing a drink that would win the "Dawn Seal of Approval." On the way back from the kitchen, she finds out that Danielle has invited over Becca, Charlotte and Vanessa.
Kristy plays cards with Greg while the girls arrive; she tells them that they can make cookies and hot chocolate later. Danielle says she wants "hot jell-o," by which she means Jello that's not been allowed to solidify. Then Kristy goes back and reads to Greg until he falls asleep.
Nola/Ann ruins the suspense of the next sequence by telling us that Danielle is busy building a swimming pool in the next room, and THEN describing Kristy listening to the constant sound of water running for several minutes before she goes to investigate.
Kristy finds the girls in the bathroom of the master bedroom. The girls panic when they see her; they open the shower door.
Danielle then tries to close the bathroom door, but "it was too late."
Kristy finds herself standing in the middle of a "lake." She tries to close the bathroom door to stop the deluge of "blue-green-yellow-red-orange" water from going into the master bedroom, but it's no use.
It turns out that the girls had turned on the shower, plugged it up, taped the door shut, filled the shower with Easter egg dye, and left it on in an attempt to fill it up to the top with "pretty" water that they could swim in. Let's break down all the ways in which this is wrong, shall we? First of all, the pauses. Charlotte opens the door. Everyone waits while Danielle closes the door, but then they realize it's too late. The water spreads out into the bathroom. Kristy realizes she's standing in the middle of it. She closes the door. The water spreads into the bedroom. There is no way a wall of water would spread that slowly. Molasses, yes, but not tap water. In real life, the moment Charlotte inexplicably opened the door, there would be a gigantic rush of water that would flood immediately out the door and ruin the bedroom carpet. No one would have time to react.
Second: the egg dye. Has anyone ever observed egg dye when it's poured into a mug of still water? It spreads, immediately. It doesn't just stay in one space. If I were to mix the water, it would spread more quickly. If I were to put two different colors of dye in the same mug, they would run together, and they would do so all the more quickly if the water was stirred. In a shower, the water is being stirred constantly by the flow coming from the spigot. The attempted swimming pool would never in a million years remain multicolored for more than a few seconds after the dye was added; it would all turn brown.
And then there's the little matter that I can't think of a kind of readily-available tape that would be strong enough to keep water from leaking out of a glass shower door. Duct tape, perhaps, but I don't think a gaggle of little girls could figure out a way to make a reliable seal even with that.
Yeah, nothing about this scene makes any sense. Let's all listen to David Tennant say Physics!!!
Kristy asks the girls how they planned to turn it off once the water had reached the top-- were they going to climb over the glass and dive?
The girls look sheepish, as if that was exactly what they'd planned.
Kristy tells them not to do it again. She opens the shower door again, because somehow Charlotte managed to close the door while the water was cascading through it, yet did not manage to stop the flow of water in any way. Physics!!!
And how deep was this water, you ask? Well, it managed to soak the hanging towels and the toilet paper, and Kristy instructs the girls to "take off your shoes, socks and pants" before cleaning it up, so apparently the bathroom was flooded up to the three-foot mark, wall to wall. Yet the water only went through the door far enough to dampen the carpet around the bathroom door on the outside. My only explanation for this miracle is that Kristy is Moses, and was able to repel the wall of water by an act of God. But nobody in Stonybrook believes in God, so I suppose it's just that water is one of the things Ann knows nothing about. Ann, come here a minute. Sit down with Julius Sumner Miller and learn some PHYSICS!!!!!
Oh, and Kristy doesn't tell Danielle's parents what happened... nor is there any mention of what the girls wore while their pants were in the wash, which is troubling. Afterwards, she asks Jessi's opinion before deciding that she really ought to tell Danielle's parents what's going on.
Chapter Nine! Stacey arrives late to another meeting, opens a bag of pretzels and doesn't act very sorry.
When Kristy tells everyone about the magical water incident, Dawn says it's "Awesome" and that "Danielle is an amazing kid." Dawn, that was food dye in the water. Additives. Horrible processed filth that can cause health problems. You have about three lines in this whole book; would it kill you to stay in character?
They decided to have Kristy call Mrs. Roberts then and there, to tell her what's going on, and I guess all those parents calling for a sitter at 5:30 can go hang.
Kristy calls; Mrs. Roberts answers right away.
Mrs. Roberts laughs the whole thing off, calling it "high spirits."
Jessi offers to call Mrs. Roberts back and try to convince her it's more than "high spirits," but Kristy decides they've done all they can.
Jessi is glum about this for a time, but then remembers that she's decided that Aunt Cecilia is getting married this Saturday at four O'clock! She tells the sitters that she and her sister couldn't afford new clothes and a present, so they're going to wear their best regular clothes and buy Aunt Cecilia and Mr. Major a book of movie tickets.
Kristy approves of this. "I bet that's something neither your aunt or her new husband has!"
Claudia asks if they're invited: "I've got a neat idea for my dress." I wish to Heaven that Nola/Ann had included a description of the planned wedding outfit, because I bet it would have been spectacular.
Jessi has to break it to Claudia that she's not invited. It seems to be a very secret affair.
Mary Anne says that's romantic.
Stacey reminds no one in particular that in New York, brides sometimes wear black.
Jessi goes home in high spirits, ready for the "Wedding week countdown."
Chapter ten! It's Saturday morning. Jessi can't believe that her parents are still keeping the wedding a secret. She ponders that Aunt Cecilia thinks she's giving them a surprise, but they'll give her a surprise as well. Oh, somebody's going to be surprised all right.
Jessi hums "the wedding march" at her father, who doesn't notice.
Jessi heads upstairs to help Becca and Squirt get dressed for the wedding. They have to hurry for some unspecified reason, even though the supposed time for the wedding was stated to be four o'clock. Jessi starts claiming that they know the wedding is "at eleven." I flip back two chapters to double-check, and yes: Aunt Cecilia tells Mr. Major "four o'clock." Ann really did not care, did she?
At ten thirty sharp, Becca hears a car outside. Jessi and Becca carry Squirt downstairs and squeal "Surprise!"
Jessi's parents wander into the room with their coffee. "Daddy" is in jeans and "Mamma" is in "stirrup pants and a big old sweater." Aunt Cecilia and Mr. Martin are wearing nice old suits.
Jessi stammers that her parents aren't dressed yet; the she stammers some more about a wedding.
"Mamma" says "You mean the one Aunt Cecilia and Mr. Major are going to be in?"
Aunt Cecilia explains that Mr. Major is going to usher and that she's going to run the guest book at somebody else's wedding.
Jessi squeaks "You mean you're not getting married?" and everybody has a laugh at her expense. Aunt Cecilia and Mr. Major leave for the wedding. Jessi, Becca and Squirt go upstairs to change out of their good clothes. Jessi realizes that she's never going to hear the end of this.
I go lie down because I'm dying of secondhand embarrassment. Next time: Danielle almost kills several girls on Jessi's watch, and Jessi plays matchmaker!