LS #8: Karen's Haircut, Chapters 14-20
Chapters 1-5
Chapters 6-13
In which Karen tries way too hard to compensate for TEH MULLET~!, the illustrations are still craptacular and I bang my head on the coffee table repeatedly. Or at least I pretend to do that last one.
Gonna do bullet points for Chapter 14, since there's not much going on in it:
- "I wore my sparkly gold nail polish and all of my jewelry. And I stuck a secret something in the pocket of my skirt before I left our house. As soon as Seth dropped me off at school, I ran to the girls’ room. I set my book bag and my lunch box on the floor. Then I pulled the something out of my pocket." Er, I, uh...where are we going with this, exactly?
- "It was a tube of red lipstick. Mommy had thrown it away while there was still some perfectly good lipstick at the end of the tube. I smeared the lipstick all over my mouth. I did not look exactly the way Mommy does when she wears lipstick, but I looked pretty interesting. Maybe glamorous. One thing was for sure: I was the only second-grader wearing lipstick. And an ankle bracelet." Oh. OK. *sighs with relief* And, yeah...you sure do look "interesting."
- On the new name remembrance front: "Nobody could remember Krystal, either (except for Ricky Torres). I gave the kids in my class a whole week to remember it, too." Wow, a whole week? That's just so wonderful of you! Oh, and +1 to Ricky, I guess.
- "Hannie even spoke to me. She said, 'You still can’t be in my wedding, Karen.'” Well, aren't you just a little sweetie pie!
- The next Monday, Karen decides she wants to be called Gazelle (Gazelle?! Really? Ugh... ). But that doesn't quite work out for her, either: "But Nancy called me Gardenia and the boys (except for Ricky) called me Godzilla." (Ricky got that one right, too, in case you were wondering. Wait, no, no one was wondering that. Oh, well.)
- On Wednesday, "I quickly changed my name to Desirée." Oh, fabulous. I'm sure that'll work for you...
- "Ricky called me Desirée, Natalie called me Dee-Dee, and Nancy, looking confused, called me Dezimay (or something like that)." Whoops, guess not.
- Oh, and then there was her Friday ensemble (with another name change--to Chantal): "I added hair ribbons to my outfit. When I wore just one, it looked funny with my short hair. But when I put on six at the same time, I looked more glamorous than ever, especially with my nail polish, lipstick, blusher, rings, necklaces, and the ankle brace." Uh, I wouldn't call that glamorous, dear...
...Come to think of it, I'm not really sure what I would call this (besides damn ugly, anyway...). Also, WHERE'S THE BACKGROUND, ILLUSTRATOR?
- "Hannie still didn’t call me anything. She just looked at my outfit and said, 'My wedding is on Sunday, and you’re not invited.'” Hannie, can I offer you some STFU Juice? It tastes like apples, I swear!
Chapter 15 is a big lot of nothing. All you need to know is that a couple of fifth-graders appeared to like Karen's hair, and the illustrations are still horrid:
Though this one at least has a background. Also, nice mom jeans, Karen.
OK, Chapter 16...isn't particularly snarkworthy, so I'll just summarize: Big House weekend, Karen, Andrew and Emily are playing outside when they see Hannie lose control of her bike and fall onto the street. She's OK, but two of her baby teeth were knocked out.
On to Chapter 17, then! So what are you doing now, Karen? Going back to Hannie's house? Oh, well, that's nice of you. Oh, Scott's there, too? Uh, w00t, I suppose. Are you going in now? Yeah? Good. What's that? You'd like me to quote something? Well, all right, here it is:
"What was I supposed to say to Hannie? Sorry you knocked your teeth out - now you look as ugly as I do? Sorry you’ve been a pain in the neck? Sorry Gloriana is a rotten haircutter?" OK, that first one is mean as hell, but all three of those amused me. Good thing, too, 'cause I'm 25 and ragging on a book meant for someone who's less than half of my age. How is this my life?
(Uh, where was I? Ah, yes, Chapter 17 in character. Moving right along...)
So it this wedding still on (not that I actually care, but it is the subplot, after all...)? No? Why not? Oh, Hannie thinks she's ugly. I would love to sympathize with you, dear, but after all of your brattiness in this book? Nope. Not gonna happen. But hey, Scott doesn't care! I mean, he even said "I’m not marrying your face. I’m marrying you." (And while that's sweet of him, I'm wondering if Ann really thinks second graders talk like that. I hope not, but I suspect that's wishful thinking.). That counts for something, right? It does? And the wedding is still on? OK. Good for y'all, but what-the-hell-ever. I got three more chapters to deal with.
Chapter 18 has the Plot-Advancing Epiphany, hoorah! Also, Karen and Hannie make up, and Karen gets to be in the wedding after all. Did anyone not see that coming?
The wedding is in Chapter 19. In lieu of me actually recapping this thing, please enjoy this encore of the Nope Octopus:
And finally, Chapter 20! Apparently, "two very amazing things happened." And what were those, Karen?
#1: "I passed those two big fifth-grade girls who had smiled at me, and guess what. (You won’t believe this.) They had gotten their hair cut just like mine!" You're absolutely right, I don't believe it. Not one bit.
#2: "I was wondering. Someday, would you maybe think about marrying me? Maybe?" Say "no," Karen! Ricky's been terrible to yo--dammit, she said yes.
Screw this, I'm outta here. Partly 'cause the book is over now.
And I am finished! Now if y'all will excuse me, I have to go serve some STFU Juice to the BSC. And then go back to snarking those books instead of this "d'awww precious!" dreck. Maybe I'll snark another Mystery next?.
Chapters 6-13
In which Karen tries way too hard to compensate for TEH MULLET~!, the illustrations are still craptacular and I bang my head on the coffee table repeatedly. Or at least I pretend to do that last one.
Gonna do bullet points for Chapter 14, since there's not much going on in it:
- "I wore my sparkly gold nail polish and all of my jewelry. And I stuck a secret something in the pocket of my skirt before I left our house. As soon as Seth dropped me off at school, I ran to the girls’ room. I set my book bag and my lunch box on the floor. Then I pulled the something out of my pocket." Er, I, uh...where are we going with this, exactly?
- "It was a tube of red lipstick. Mommy had thrown it away while there was still some perfectly good lipstick at the end of the tube. I smeared the lipstick all over my mouth. I did not look exactly the way Mommy does when she wears lipstick, but I looked pretty interesting. Maybe glamorous. One thing was for sure: I was the only second-grader wearing lipstick. And an ankle bracelet." Oh. OK. *sighs with relief* And, yeah...you sure do look "interesting."
- On the new name remembrance front: "Nobody could remember Krystal, either (except for Ricky Torres). I gave the kids in my class a whole week to remember it, too." Wow, a whole week? That's just so wonderful of you! Oh, and +1 to Ricky, I guess.
- "Hannie even spoke to me. She said, 'You still can’t be in my wedding, Karen.'” Well, aren't you just a little sweetie pie!
- The next Monday, Karen decides she wants to be called Gazelle (Gazelle?! Really? Ugh... ). But that doesn't quite work out for her, either: "But Nancy called me Gardenia and the boys (except for Ricky) called me Godzilla." (Ricky got that one right, too, in case you were wondering. Wait, no, no one was wondering that. Oh, well.)
- On Wednesday, "I quickly changed my name to Desirée." Oh, fabulous. I'm sure that'll work for you...
- "Ricky called me Desirée, Natalie called me Dee-Dee, and Nancy, looking confused, called me Dezimay (or something like that)." Whoops, guess not.
- Oh, and then there was her Friday ensemble (with another name change--to Chantal): "I added hair ribbons to my outfit. When I wore just one, it looked funny with my short hair. But when I put on six at the same time, I looked more glamorous than ever, especially with my nail polish, lipstick, blusher, rings, necklaces, and the ankle brace." Uh, I wouldn't call that glamorous, dear...
...Come to think of it, I'm not really sure what I would call this (besides damn ugly, anyway...). Also, WHERE'S THE BACKGROUND, ILLUSTRATOR?
- "Hannie still didn’t call me anything. She just looked at my outfit and said, 'My wedding is on Sunday, and you’re not invited.'” Hannie, can I offer you some STFU Juice? It tastes like apples, I swear!
Chapter 15 is a big lot of nothing. All you need to know is that a couple of fifth-graders appeared to like Karen's hair, and the illustrations are still horrid:
Though this one at least has a background. Also, nice mom jeans, Karen.
OK, Chapter 16...isn't particularly snarkworthy, so I'll just summarize: Big House weekend, Karen, Andrew and Emily are playing outside when they see Hannie lose control of her bike and fall onto the street. She's OK, but two of her baby teeth were knocked out.
On to Chapter 17, then! So what are you doing now, Karen? Going back to Hannie's house? Oh, well, that's nice of you. Oh, Scott's there, too? Uh, w00t, I suppose. Are you going in now? Yeah? Good. What's that? You'd like me to quote something? Well, all right, here it is:
"What was I supposed to say to Hannie? Sorry you knocked your teeth out - now you look as ugly as I do? Sorry you’ve been a pain in the neck? Sorry Gloriana is a rotten haircutter?" OK, that first one is mean as hell, but all three of those amused me. Good thing, too, 'cause I'm 25 and ragging on a book meant for someone who's less than half of my age. How is this my life?
(Uh, where was I? Ah, yes, Chapter 17 in character. Moving right along...)
So it this wedding still on (not that I actually care, but it is the subplot, after all...)? No? Why not? Oh, Hannie thinks she's ugly. I would love to sympathize with you, dear, but after all of your brattiness in this book? Nope. Not gonna happen. But hey, Scott doesn't care! I mean, he even said "I’m not marrying your face. I’m marrying you." (And while that's sweet of him, I'm wondering if Ann really thinks second graders talk like that. I hope not, but I suspect that's wishful thinking.). That counts for something, right? It does? And the wedding is still on? OK. Good for y'all, but what-the-hell-ever. I got three more chapters to deal with.
Chapter 18 has the Plot-Advancing Epiphany, hoorah! Also, Karen and Hannie make up, and Karen gets to be in the wedding after all. Did anyone not see that coming?
The wedding is in Chapter 19. In lieu of me actually recapping this thing, please enjoy this encore of the Nope Octopus:
And finally, Chapter 20! Apparently, "two very amazing things happened." And what were those, Karen?
#1: "I passed those two big fifth-grade girls who had smiled at me, and guess what. (You won’t believe this.) They had gotten their hair cut just like mine!" You're absolutely right, I don't believe it. Not one bit.
#2: "I was wondering. Someday, would you maybe think about marrying me? Maybe?" Say "no," Karen! Ricky's been terrible to yo--dammit, she said yes.
Screw this, I'm outta here. Partly 'cause the book is over now.
And I am finished! Now if y'all will excuse me, I have to go serve some STFU Juice to the BSC. And then go back to snarking those books instead of this "d'awww precious!" dreck. Maybe I'll snark another Mystery next?.