Claudia Makes Up Her Mind (11-15)
All right, so Claudia is torn between the seventh and eighth grade, her BSC "friends" are in no way helping, and now she's got boy problems, in addition to reasons to feel stupid because she'd be back on the bottom again if she goes to eighth grade. If that's not enough to make you feel bad for Claud in this book, I don't know what is.
Chapter 11
Stacey wants to go "Christmas shopping" early, and Claudia isn't listening a word she says because her brain has morphed into a perfect replica of Mark. Mark is avoiding Claudia now because she's mad at him and justifiably so, if you ask me. Standing someone up isn't cool. I would know, since I get stood up literally all the damn time. Stacey is still talking about shopping and Claudia finally turns her Mark-shaped brain on all "But but it's November." Who cares, shopping is shopping! Claudia agrees to shopping with Stacey and then Mrs. Amer comes in to remind her that she must make her final decision by Friday. Mrs. Amer is a giant steaming pile of fail for putting all this pressure on Claudia...either wait till the end of the year to switch her back or switch her back yourself without making HER make the decision! Stacey brings up Mark and Claudia tells her she's mad at him. So Stacey's like "Oh, well if you switch grades, you can dump him!" Because you are absolutely not allowed to EVER go out with a boy one freaking schoolyear your junior. I really really hate Stacey's superior attitude in this book, as if she can fix EVERYTHING wrong with Claudia's academics. SHE CAN'T. Claudia says what I've been thinking: Why couldn't Mrs. Amer just switch her back to eighth HERSELF?! They finally go shopping and Claudia thinks about boys the whole time, and then they get to the BSC meeting and Kristy INSTANTLY assumes the huge shopping bags are for her. She's like "Oh thanks but my birthday's in August." What a stupid, stupid little priss. They talk about the Color War. "Kristy charmed us with her hog call"--sometimes these books snark themselves. After the meeting, Russ and Peaches arrive to talk to Claudia. Apparently Claudia's baby cousin Lynn has her own playroom in Claudia's house, which makes me wonder exactly how often these two come over. Peaches is pretty awesome and supportive in this chapter and is like, the ONLY one besides a few of Claudia's seventh grade friends who isn't telling her "BUT YOU *HAVE* TO DO X! YOU HAVE TO CLAUDIA YOU HAVE TO YOU HAVE TO!" Go Peaches go!!!
Chapter 12 (Claudia's friends are jerks)
Now Claudia's seventh grade friends are avoiding her because of the whole stupid Mark-Josh Debacle. Have I mentioned how much I hate teen romance? It turns out that they've been avoiding her so that they could talk about her to Josh behind her back and plan "strategies" for getting her to go out with him. Excuse me while I go vomit. Of course Claudia has to bring age into the picture because being a year younger means everything in these books. Claudia's friends really need to mind their own damn businesses and let Claudia and Josh work this out for themselves, regardless of how much older or younger they are. And then....OHHHH SNAP, Claudia finds Mark talking with...a girl who has a giant crush on him! UH-OH, THE SHIT BE HITTIN' THE FAN NOW! Claudia pulls Mark away from the girl and then lights into him like a fucking wolf. It's not like those two were talking about anything romantic or asking eachother out or anything, they were just fucking TALKING. Claudia and Mark have a conversation which very, very clearly indicates (even moreso than all the OTHER clear indications with Mark) that he is not ready for the kind of relationship Claudia wants him to be in and she should therefore just let him be. The next few pages are very barf-worthy, with Claudia saying shit like "Do you ever think about US, Mark?" or "I want to know how you FEEL, Mark!" Claudia seems to have forgotten that they are 13 years old and this is MIDDLE SCHOOL. To quote Dan O'Brien from Cracked.com: "High school is the first time you feel anything besides 'hungry' and 'need to pee.' " Claudia finally realizes that this isn't working out, and they break up, but Claudia expects it to be sad and emotional and full of tears and it's just...not. Because they're KIDS.
Chapter 13
Kristy babysitting chapter. Shoot me, please. (I almost put "babyshitting" and I'm gonna laugh about that because I'm immature.)
Chapter 14
Mark is finally no longer slacking on the Color War, which makes me think all the stressful BS Claudia was putting him through about "BOOOOOYFRIEEENNNDDD!!!!" was what was making him unmotivated. Orange is one point behind a tie with blue and we don't care because we all know orange is gonna win because nothing disappointing ever happens to the main character of a BSC book. Claudia realizes the relationship with Mark was stressing her out and she likes it better that they're just friends. THANK YOU, CLAUD. Claudia talks to Josh, several barfworthy pages, he admits he likes her yaaaay whooooooo!, they decide to go out but Josh is like "But it's gonna be a bit complicated if you go to eighth grade." Hi, Mr. Face, this is Mr. Palm! Eighth grade is on a SPACESHIP out on MARS, don't you know! Not in SMS like every other grade! Claudia also moans that she'll be "losing" Jeannie, Shira, and Joanna. The intensity of the eyeroll I just made is critical. Josh has to remind her that she's not losing a damn thing. Claudia decides to go back to the eighth grade and I'm mad because now she's gonna be at the bottom of the class again and she was at the TOP before and Status Quo Is God and uuuughhhhh.
Chapter 15
I loled when Claudia said she thought stoic meant "old" because people used it to describe Mimi. Claudia goes to Mrs. Amer and says she's going back to the eighth grade, and they're gonna switch her at the end of the marking period. Greeeeat. Claudia goes back to the Color War and Alan Grey cheats on the last event because he's a jerk, but it's okay because Josh got him back by stealing his running shoes and replacing them with work boots. I kind of like this Josh kid. Claudia and Josh kiss, orange wins the Color War because like I said, the main character of a BSC book isn't allowed to lose. WHOOOO, SHE BEAT OUT KRISTY!!!! HELLZ YEAH! :D Giant gaudy banners on the front of the school can't save ya now, Kristy! Claudia does her final act as queen, accepting the Color War prize, to a glorious fanfare. The end.
Next snark: Either Karen's Surprise or Mallory Hates Boys And Gym.
Chapter 11
Stacey wants to go "Christmas shopping" early, and Claudia isn't listening a word she says because her brain has morphed into a perfect replica of Mark. Mark is avoiding Claudia now because she's mad at him and justifiably so, if you ask me. Standing someone up isn't cool. I would know, since I get stood up literally all the damn time. Stacey is still talking about shopping and Claudia finally turns her Mark-shaped brain on all "But but it's November." Who cares, shopping is shopping! Claudia agrees to shopping with Stacey and then Mrs. Amer comes in to remind her that she must make her final decision by Friday. Mrs. Amer is a giant steaming pile of fail for putting all this pressure on Claudia...either wait till the end of the year to switch her back or switch her back yourself without making HER make the decision! Stacey brings up Mark and Claudia tells her she's mad at him. So Stacey's like "Oh, well if you switch grades, you can dump him!" Because you are absolutely not allowed to EVER go out with a boy one freaking schoolyear your junior. I really really hate Stacey's superior attitude in this book, as if she can fix EVERYTHING wrong with Claudia's academics. SHE CAN'T. Claudia says what I've been thinking: Why couldn't Mrs. Amer just switch her back to eighth HERSELF?! They finally go shopping and Claudia thinks about boys the whole time, and then they get to the BSC meeting and Kristy INSTANTLY assumes the huge shopping bags are for her. She's like "Oh thanks but my birthday's in August." What a stupid, stupid little priss. They talk about the Color War. "Kristy charmed us with her hog call"--sometimes these books snark themselves. After the meeting, Russ and Peaches arrive to talk to Claudia. Apparently Claudia's baby cousin Lynn has her own playroom in Claudia's house, which makes me wonder exactly how often these two come over. Peaches is pretty awesome and supportive in this chapter and is like, the ONLY one besides a few of Claudia's seventh grade friends who isn't telling her "BUT YOU *HAVE* TO DO X! YOU HAVE TO CLAUDIA YOU HAVE TO YOU HAVE TO!" Go Peaches go!!!
Chapter 12 (Claudia's friends are jerks)
Now Claudia's seventh grade friends are avoiding her because of the whole stupid Mark-Josh Debacle. Have I mentioned how much I hate teen romance? It turns out that they've been avoiding her so that they could talk about her to Josh behind her back and plan "strategies" for getting her to go out with him. Excuse me while I go vomit. Of course Claudia has to bring age into the picture because being a year younger means everything in these books. Claudia's friends really need to mind their own damn businesses and let Claudia and Josh work this out for themselves, regardless of how much older or younger they are. And then....OHHHH SNAP, Claudia finds Mark talking with...a girl who has a giant crush on him! UH-OH, THE SHIT BE HITTIN' THE FAN NOW! Claudia pulls Mark away from the girl and then lights into him like a fucking wolf. It's not like those two were talking about anything romantic or asking eachother out or anything, they were just fucking TALKING. Claudia and Mark have a conversation which very, very clearly indicates (even moreso than all the OTHER clear indications with Mark) that he is not ready for the kind of relationship Claudia wants him to be in and she should therefore just let him be. The next few pages are very barf-worthy, with Claudia saying shit like "Do you ever think about US, Mark?" or "I want to know how you FEEL, Mark!" Claudia seems to have forgotten that they are 13 years old and this is MIDDLE SCHOOL. To quote Dan O'Brien from Cracked.com: "High school is the first time you feel anything besides 'hungry' and 'need to pee.' " Claudia finally realizes that this isn't working out, and they break up, but Claudia expects it to be sad and emotional and full of tears and it's just...not. Because they're KIDS.
Chapter 13
Kristy babysitting chapter. Shoot me, please. (I almost put "babyshitting" and I'm gonna laugh about that because I'm immature.)
Chapter 14
Mark is finally no longer slacking on the Color War, which makes me think all the stressful BS Claudia was putting him through about "BOOOOOYFRIEEENNNDDD!!!!" was what was making him unmotivated. Orange is one point behind a tie with blue and we don't care because we all know orange is gonna win because nothing disappointing ever happens to the main character of a BSC book. Claudia realizes the relationship with Mark was stressing her out and she likes it better that they're just friends. THANK YOU, CLAUD. Claudia talks to Josh, several barfworthy pages, he admits he likes her yaaaay whooooooo!, they decide to go out but Josh is like "But it's gonna be a bit complicated if you go to eighth grade." Hi, Mr. Face, this is Mr. Palm! Eighth grade is on a SPACESHIP out on MARS, don't you know! Not in SMS like every other grade! Claudia also moans that she'll be "losing" Jeannie, Shira, and Joanna. The intensity of the eyeroll I just made is critical. Josh has to remind her that she's not losing a damn thing. Claudia decides to go back to the eighth grade and I'm mad because now she's gonna be at the bottom of the class again and she was at the TOP before and Status Quo Is God and uuuughhhhh.
Chapter 15
I loled when Claudia said she thought stoic meant "old" because people used it to describe Mimi. Claudia goes to Mrs. Amer and says she's going back to the eighth grade, and they're gonna switch her at the end of the marking period. Greeeeat. Claudia goes back to the Color War and Alan Grey cheats on the last event because he's a jerk, but it's okay because Josh got him back by stealing his running shoes and replacing them with work boots. I kind of like this Josh kid. Claudia and Josh kiss, orange wins the Color War because like I said, the main character of a BSC book isn't allowed to lose. WHOOOO, SHE BEAT OUT KRISTY!!!! HELLZ YEAH! :D Giant gaudy banners on the front of the school can't save ya now, Kristy! Claudia does her final act as queen, accepting the Color War prize, to a glorious fanfare. The end.
Next snark: Either Karen's Surprise or Mallory Hates Boys And Gym.