Karen's Doll (7-13)
So, Karen is making Nancy's illness all about her, Pamela is being awesome as usual, and Karen LOVES to overreact.
Chapter 7 (Karen overreacts and a poor hospital worker must suffer for it)
Karen managed to get the ENTIRE school, even random teachers and the PRINCIPAL, to sign this card. I only had one school where the principal of my school would take time out of his busy schedule to sign some card, and that was my high school principal who was awesome and basically made himself a friend to all the students. My other principals would've told Karen to stop wasting their time. Karen heads to the hospital all set to grace Nancy with this amazing card, and the hospital orderly says "Nope, you have to be twelve or over unless you're family." Karen yells BUT MUSKETEERS ARE FAMILY and the hospital orderly mentally facepalms. He tries to soothe the savage beast by saying he'll see that she gets the card as soon as possible, but Karen has to completely flip shitkittens at this poor guy and screams about how it has to go to the right Nancy and spells her last name in a way that would indicate the guy is in preschool and doesn't know his fucking alphabet. "D as in dog, A as in apple" and all that shit. SHUT UP. This is the point where, if I were that guy, I would tell her I am not delivering anything for her until she stops being a rude little shit. But the guy is patient till the end and says Nancy's name is on his list and he will get the card to her now please shut up. But Karen orders the guy to HAND DELIVER it to Nancy personally, like he's her fucking SLAVE. Lisa tells Karen she's not happy with her behavior but leaves it at that and does nothing. Of course. Then Karen calls the hospital for Nancy, and ends up with the same poor harassed orderly she smacked around before. This guy has the worst luck in the world. She starts her asinine spelling again but the man's like "I already know how to spell it so be quiet will you?!" Karen decides to send Kristy to visit Nancy in her place.
Chapter 8
Why do kids always assume toys have to be INSTANT BESTEST FUH-RIENDS with the new toy as soon as they arrive? My Rachel always has trouble getting along with newcomers, except for Abby, who likes everyone and everything. I like how in Junie B Jones: Alo-ha-ha!, when Junie B got Hula Girl Delores, Phillip Johnny Bob treated her the way Karen treats Pamela until the end of the book. It reminds me of how Rachel treats EVERYONE new. Anyway, Andrew has given in to the inevitable and willingly sacrificed his doubledecker bus to use as Hyacynthia's personal trolley, rather than wait for Karen to just rip it out of his hands. Poor, poor kid. Karen contemplates dressing up in Nannie's clothes and greying her hair to sneak into the hospital, pretending to be Nancy's grandmother. I'm reminded of the Punky Brewster episode Tangled Web, where Punky dresses up as an old lady to sneak into an R-rated movie. Karen decides that Hyacynthia could visit and cheer Nancy up. But here's the thing: Kristy asked Karen if there was anything she wanted to GIVE Nancy, and Karen decided this means she can volunteer her doll for a VISIT. She did not clarify at all that she was NOT giving Hyacynthia to Nancy, but at the same time I think Kristy shoulda used her brain (wait...Kristy has a BRAIN???) and went "Hey wait, why would Karen give her brand-new extremely expensive china doll to Nancy???" So I blame both of them, really. As soon as Kristy says "Are you sure?" Karen should have CLARIFIED that it was NOT going to be a gift, though, just a visit! But she doesn't. So Kristy takes Hyacynthia off to Nancy and this will not. End. Well.
Chapter 9
Karen spends all day worrying sick over Hyacynthia. Karen, why didn't you just send some other toy to visit Nancy? Karen's heart was in the right place but this was still irresponsible as fuck. Kristy is 13...if she has to get up for something, she's probably not going to think to take the doll with her. She'll leave the doll in the waiting room where she is free to get stolen. I know if I sent Abby out with a friend of mine (would never happen), said friend wouldn't even flinch at leaving her on a table when she had to get up and go do something, because most 20-year-olds do not think of dolls the way I do. This was a bad idea all around, even if it was an act of kindness, and Karen could've very well used one of her other dolls. When Kristy comes home, the first thing Karen asks is "HOW'S HYACYNTHIA?" because forget her best friend who just had a painful operation. Kristy calls her out on this though. Karen's like "Whatever, I talk to Nancy every day." Awesome friend, that one. Kristy tells Karen she was very generous to give Hyacynthia to Nancy. Okay, Kristy, this is where I think you need to grow a brain. This is KAREN. Do you REALLY think she would just GIVE her brand-new most-loved doll away, even to a best friend? Karen doesn't go waitwhatwhoa, probably because she assumes Kristy is smart enough to get that she did NOT give the doll away! Nancy calls Karen and thanks her for Hyacynthia, and Karen starts to worry because she senses that something fishy is going on. But she forgets about it, until she realizes it's time to go back to the little house and Lisa will tan her hide for coming back without Hyacynthia.
Chapter 10
Lisa almost instantly realizes Karen does not have Hyacynthia with her, and asks where she is. Karen tries to change the subject by going all "I MADE COOKIES FOR YOU! ^_^" but Lisa is not having it. Karen tells Lisa she left Hyacynthia at the big house. BAD IDEA. If Lisa were SMART (which she very much isn't) her first instinct would be to call Watson and ask about the doll. But Lisa can't call Watson for anything or she'll melt or some shit. Lisa just tells her she'll be without Hyacynthia until she goes back to Daddy's now as some kind of half-assed punishment. Nancy is coming home Tuesday, so Karen wonders what Lisa's gonna say when she gets Hyacynthia back on Tuesday. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MAKE SHIT UP, KAREN. So Karen decides she'll tell Lisa that Hannie brought Hyacynthia back from the big house on Tuesday. If Lisa wasn't an idiot, this would all be over with one phone call to Watson.
Chapter 11
Nancy's home whooooooo!!!! Karen runs over to Nancy's house and Mrs. Dawes tells Karen she's very generous for giving Nancy Hyacynthia. Karen's like "waitwhatwhoa." WHY DIDN'T SHE HAVE THIS REACTION WHEN KRISTY SAID THE SAME DAMN THING? Karen names Nancy's...surgical...scar....oooookay. She names it Squiggles. Karen notices that Nancy made new clothes for Hyacynthia and is like WAIT BUT HYACYNTHIA'S MINE. Nothing about "Thanks for the new clothes" or anything, geez. I'd hug anyone who made new clothes for Abby 'cause her spacesuit is getting very battlescarred at this point. Karen is like OH SNAP NANCY DOES THINK I GAVE HER HYACYNTHIA but no word about"Um Nancy? You do know Hyacynthia was just visiting, right?" For fuck's sake, just tell her THAT, you idiot!
Chapter 12
Karen won't tell Nancy the truth because "but but she's recovering from surgery!" Fuck that, if my friend had been recovering from being shot in the fucking head and thought she got to keep my favorite doll, I'd still tell her otherwise. What, does she think Nancy's gonna have a heart attack if she asks for the doll back? Geez. Not even Goosie has any advice for her because Goosie shares her moron-ery. That's cute, Karen, you think Lisa and Watson are actually going to talk to eachother. Karen comes up with this elaborate scheme in which she breaks into Nancy's house, steals Hyacynthia back, and replaces her with a decoy, but gives it up because she can't find a decoy without flying to England. Karen now thinks the only solution is to fly to England. For FUCK'S SAKE, Karen!!!!
Chapter 13
Karen clamps her mouth shut (YAAAAAY!) all day because she's afraid she's gonna let her secret spill if she talks. QUICK, EVERYONE LINE UP AND TELL KAREN YOUR DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRETS AND TELL HER IF SHE SPILLS YOU WILL FEED HER TO WOLVES!!!! At school, Nancy is back, and she probably does not tell anyone Karen named the scar squiggles because that is STUPID and she is embarrassed for Karen. Then Nancy tells everyone Karen gave her her English baby doll, and everyone's like OH WOOOOW KAREN YOU ARE A SAINT!!!! Now Karen definitely can't tell Nancy the truth because how else will everyone treat her like a queen? Karen decides maybe it'd be easier if she just let Nancy have Hyacynthia, but decides against it because Lisa would not be happy. If I were Lisa, and my daughter had begged my mother for an expensive-as-hell souvenir from their vacation, I would be pissed too if she went and gave it to a friend.
Chapter 7 (Karen overreacts and a poor hospital worker must suffer for it)
Karen managed to get the ENTIRE school, even random teachers and the PRINCIPAL, to sign this card. I only had one school where the principal of my school would take time out of his busy schedule to sign some card, and that was my high school principal who was awesome and basically made himself a friend to all the students. My other principals would've told Karen to stop wasting their time. Karen heads to the hospital all set to grace Nancy with this amazing card, and the hospital orderly says "Nope, you have to be twelve or over unless you're family." Karen yells BUT MUSKETEERS ARE FAMILY and the hospital orderly mentally facepalms. He tries to soothe the savage beast by saying he'll see that she gets the card as soon as possible, but Karen has to completely flip shitkittens at this poor guy and screams about how it has to go to the right Nancy and spells her last name in a way that would indicate the guy is in preschool and doesn't know his fucking alphabet. "D as in dog, A as in apple" and all that shit. SHUT UP. This is the point where, if I were that guy, I would tell her I am not delivering anything for her until she stops being a rude little shit. But the guy is patient till the end and says Nancy's name is on his list and he will get the card to her now please shut up. But Karen orders the guy to HAND DELIVER it to Nancy personally, like he's her fucking SLAVE. Lisa tells Karen she's not happy with her behavior but leaves it at that and does nothing. Of course. Then Karen calls the hospital for Nancy, and ends up with the same poor harassed orderly she smacked around before. This guy has the worst luck in the world. She starts her asinine spelling again but the man's like "I already know how to spell it so be quiet will you?!" Karen decides to send Kristy to visit Nancy in her place.
Chapter 8
Why do kids always assume toys have to be INSTANT BESTEST FUH-RIENDS with the new toy as soon as they arrive? My Rachel always has trouble getting along with newcomers, except for Abby, who likes everyone and everything. I like how in Junie B Jones: Alo-ha-ha!, when Junie B got Hula Girl Delores, Phillip Johnny Bob treated her the way Karen treats Pamela until the end of the book. It reminds me of how Rachel treats EVERYONE new. Anyway, Andrew has given in to the inevitable and willingly sacrificed his doubledecker bus to use as Hyacynthia's personal trolley, rather than wait for Karen to just rip it out of his hands. Poor, poor kid. Karen contemplates dressing up in Nannie's clothes and greying her hair to sneak into the hospital, pretending to be Nancy's grandmother. I'm reminded of the Punky Brewster episode Tangled Web, where Punky dresses up as an old lady to sneak into an R-rated movie. Karen decides that Hyacynthia could visit and cheer Nancy up. But here's the thing: Kristy asked Karen if there was anything she wanted to GIVE Nancy, and Karen decided this means she can volunteer her doll for a VISIT. She did not clarify at all that she was NOT giving Hyacynthia to Nancy, but at the same time I think Kristy shoulda used her brain (wait...Kristy has a BRAIN???) and went "Hey wait, why would Karen give her brand-new extremely expensive china doll to Nancy???" So I blame both of them, really. As soon as Kristy says "Are you sure?" Karen should have CLARIFIED that it was NOT going to be a gift, though, just a visit! But she doesn't. So Kristy takes Hyacynthia off to Nancy and this will not. End. Well.
Chapter 9
Karen spends all day worrying sick over Hyacynthia. Karen, why didn't you just send some other toy to visit Nancy? Karen's heart was in the right place but this was still irresponsible as fuck. Kristy is 13...if she has to get up for something, she's probably not going to think to take the doll with her. She'll leave the doll in the waiting room where she is free to get stolen. I know if I sent Abby out with a friend of mine (would never happen), said friend wouldn't even flinch at leaving her on a table when she had to get up and go do something, because most 20-year-olds do not think of dolls the way I do. This was a bad idea all around, even if it was an act of kindness, and Karen could've very well used one of her other dolls. When Kristy comes home, the first thing Karen asks is "HOW'S HYACYNTHIA?" because forget her best friend who just had a painful operation. Kristy calls her out on this though. Karen's like "Whatever, I talk to Nancy every day." Awesome friend, that one. Kristy tells Karen she was very generous to give Hyacynthia to Nancy. Okay, Kristy, this is where I think you need to grow a brain. This is KAREN. Do you REALLY think she would just GIVE her brand-new most-loved doll away, even to a best friend? Karen doesn't go waitwhatwhoa, probably because she assumes Kristy is smart enough to get that she did NOT give the doll away! Nancy calls Karen and thanks her for Hyacynthia, and Karen starts to worry because she senses that something fishy is going on. But she forgets about it, until she realizes it's time to go back to the little house and Lisa will tan her hide for coming back without Hyacynthia.
Chapter 10
Lisa almost instantly realizes Karen does not have Hyacynthia with her, and asks where she is. Karen tries to change the subject by going all "I MADE COOKIES FOR YOU! ^_^" but Lisa is not having it. Karen tells Lisa she left Hyacynthia at the big house. BAD IDEA. If Lisa were SMART (which she very much isn't) her first instinct would be to call Watson and ask about the doll. But Lisa can't call Watson for anything or she'll melt or some shit. Lisa just tells her she'll be without Hyacynthia until she goes back to Daddy's now as some kind of half-assed punishment. Nancy is coming home Tuesday, so Karen wonders what Lisa's gonna say when she gets Hyacynthia back on Tuesday. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MAKE SHIT UP, KAREN. So Karen decides she'll tell Lisa that Hannie brought Hyacynthia back from the big house on Tuesday. If Lisa wasn't an idiot, this would all be over with one phone call to Watson.
Chapter 11
Nancy's home whooooooo!!!! Karen runs over to Nancy's house and Mrs. Dawes tells Karen she's very generous for giving Nancy Hyacynthia. Karen's like "waitwhatwhoa." WHY DIDN'T SHE HAVE THIS REACTION WHEN KRISTY SAID THE SAME DAMN THING? Karen names Nancy's...surgical...scar....oooookay. She names it Squiggles. Karen notices that Nancy made new clothes for Hyacynthia and is like WAIT BUT HYACYNTHIA'S MINE. Nothing about "Thanks for the new clothes" or anything, geez. I'd hug anyone who made new clothes for Abby 'cause her spacesuit is getting very battlescarred at this point. Karen is like OH SNAP NANCY DOES THINK I GAVE HER HYACYNTHIA but no word about"Um Nancy? You do know Hyacynthia was just visiting, right?" For fuck's sake, just tell her THAT, you idiot!
Chapter 12
Karen won't tell Nancy the truth because "but but she's recovering from surgery!" Fuck that, if my friend had been recovering from being shot in the fucking head and thought she got to keep my favorite doll, I'd still tell her otherwise. What, does she think Nancy's gonna have a heart attack if she asks for the doll back? Geez. Not even Goosie has any advice for her because Goosie shares her moron-ery. That's cute, Karen, you think Lisa and Watson are actually going to talk to eachother. Karen comes up with this elaborate scheme in which she breaks into Nancy's house, steals Hyacynthia back, and replaces her with a decoy, but gives it up because she can't find a decoy without flying to England. Karen now thinks the only solution is to fly to England. For FUCK'S SAKE, Karen!!!!
Chapter 13
Karen clamps her mouth shut (YAAAAAY!) all day because she's afraid she's gonna let her secret spill if she talks. QUICK, EVERYONE LINE UP AND TELL KAREN YOUR DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRETS AND TELL HER IF SHE SPILLS YOU WILL FEED HER TO WOLVES!!!! At school, Nancy is back, and she probably does not tell anyone Karen named the scar squiggles because that is STUPID and she is embarrassed for Karen. Then Nancy tells everyone Karen gave her her English baby doll, and everyone's like OH WOOOOW KAREN YOU ARE A SAINT!!!! Now Karen definitely can't tell Nancy the truth because how else will everyone treat her like a queen? Karen decides maybe it'd be easier if she just let Nancy have Hyacynthia, but decides against it because Lisa would not be happy. If I were Lisa, and my daughter had begged my mother for an expensive-as-hell souvenir from their vacation, I would be pissed too if she went and gave it to a friend.