(no subject)
Previously on As the World Turns Super Special #3: Winter Vacation:
Mandatory vacations and illogical bus accidents. Also a pubescent French guy.
This may not be particularly "snarky" (although someone called me that today after I made a smart assed comment before one of my classes) I think I need a nap. Sorry if its not the funniest as all get out.
Chapter 9
Oh Mallory...you and your silly little dog face. I mean your signiture >_> yeah...
Chapter 9 starts off with this little fantastic gem Here is the thing about dances: I hate them. I can just imagine Mal being the type of girl who really enjoys loosening up once she discovers the joys of alcohol. Enjoy college! Apparently, theres a Game of Boys. This is probably why Mallory fails at social life, she spends too much time playing Gameboy. Back to the dance dilema: she basically passes out from the bad news that a DANCE will be held, and thinks of ways to get out of it. Heres an idea: Just don't be in the same room as the dance. It's a big place. I'm sure you'll manage. It apparently bothers her so much that she doesn't even pay attention to Jessi's conversation about frost bitten toes. God help her if she actually HAD frostbite:
"Oh Lord....Mallory! Help! My foot is turning black(er)!" Jessi cried, frantically. Circulation was slowing down in her leg; this was serious! "I wonder if the dance will be mandatory...." Mallory mused, thinking aloud.
Kristy sits next to Ms. Halliday at breakfast. They're total BFFs, which leads me to wonder: why isn't SHE in the BSC? After breakfast, Mallory decides to reveal her retarded awesome plan: She's going to work hard on her writing! "How does she do this?" You probably aren't asking yourself; so I'll tell you. She's going to spy on people like Harriet the Spy...except she's not going to get caught, and she's going to be such a keen observer that she'll only tell the truth. Truly Mal, your ingenuity astounds. She fills her journal with observations:
1) Pinky hates the world
2) Kids are resiliant; her mom should know since she's had 8 of them! (This makes me imagine some sort of backstory where Mrs. Pike was driving a bus with her family on board and she crashed it)
3) Mary Anne is getting ever creepier with her unhealthy obsession with Logan (filling it with pages of combined names...including Logan Spier, Mrs. L. Bruno, and "Logan, my love, my one and only")
4) There's a ghost at the Lodge, as taken from MA's notes. In order for Mal to get this much information, I have to imagine she's looking over MA's shoulder. Way to not be inconspicuous, champ.
5) the Chef is sprinkling stuff from an unlabeled jar into the soup. Naturally, IT MUST BE POISON! AND NOW HE'S PICKING UP A HUGE KNIFE! THE COOK IS CRAZY! HE MAY BE TRYING TO KILL US ALL!
6)Nobody likes Pinky
7) Ms. Halliday has unrequited love for Kristy the Vice-Principal.
8) Stacey was seen kissing...a BOY
Boy was her journal ever juicy! The chapter closes with this gem: If my little brothers and sisters ever found this, they would read things that are far too mature for them. Obviously, the journal entries are a cover up for her 11 year old harlequin romance novels she's working on.
Chapter 10
Conveniently,even though Dawn apparently hates MA, she still writes her a little note to send off in her creepy book to Logan. AMM, ever the master of foreshadow, leads us into the first competition of the Winter War. Dawn is on the blue team (Kristy's team, unfortunately) and ends up falling on her ass in the ice skating 50 yard dash. Kristy the douchebag then "thumps" (I say punched) her on the back and tells her not to worry, no doubt everwhile planning the demise of the Failure. The chapter continues with Dawn falling some more, dropping the baton, getting laughed at, getting snow thrown down the coat, and getting laughed at some more. Dawn sulks off into the Lodge, ashamed and humiliated. Tough shit, Dawn. Everyone elses' three years of Jr. High teasing is condensed into a half hour for you. I guess your only option now is ritualistic suicide. Fortunately, I've heard that Self Righteous Californians are biodegradable.
She tries to pour her heart out to MA, who has COMPLETELY lost touch with reality, and ends up getting yelled at because Dawn isn't sympathetic to her soul wrenching Logan withdrawls. It's got to be tough, to be 13 and missing the love of your life for ONE WHOLE WEEK. Typical MA, she's SUCH a clueless bitch!
Chapter 11
MA bothers old people, who won't talk about the ghost. She also imagines Logan on the beach, making out with a tropical island girl. Kinky. (You know, when I was in a long distance relationship, I had the same concerns. And rightly so, he ended up leaving me for her. But I'm sure you and Logan will be together FOREVER, because 8th grade luv is true luv.)
Showdown with Ms. Halliday. MA thinks old Halli hates her because she's bad at sports. She reveals that no, she didn't hate her, she just was pushing her to do her best. She also reveals that she misses her fiance, who she apparently has never been away from. Suck it up...its a WEEK.
Chapter 12
To get ready for this chapter, we have to put things into perspective. Okay. Reality < Friendship < BSCult < World Domination < Kristy better than everyone else ever. Kristy is in charge of the Winter War and is also a team captain. Yeah. Thats not a bad idea AT ALL. After regretting not benching the Failure (Dawn) from the ice skating competitions, she decides to share her love for sportsmanship with the kids and holds a snowman building contest. One kid built a snow martian, which is actually pretty cool, but got gyped and came in 2nd, losing to some kid's snowWOman, because Kristy is a feminazi.
Claudia judges the snow sculpture contest, and gets on Kristy's hit list after declaring someone on the other team the winners. I'm not even going to comment on Jessi and Mal's ballet slippers, which everybody but them couldn't even figure out what they hell they were supposed to be. Kristy can't let the loss go, and tortures Claudia on the ski slopes with such malicious taunts as "Our team is going to cream your team on Friday, Kishi!" What a douchebag.
Chapter 13
In Claudia's intri entree entry; she explains that she didn't choose Kristy's sculpture because it was too cute, and a good judge never picks cute. Claudia also found a way to misspell "mad". I'm fairly certain that at this point, she's trying to butcher the English language. It all makes sense...I bet Claudia invented "LOL"
She takes a ski lesson and meets a guy named Guy. ha. He's the ski instructor, and Claudia falls in love with him immediately. She pretty much ends up brownosing him so much that her beautiful almond eyes and shiny jet black hair end straight up his ass, which I imagine is quite the accomplishment when one is wearing snowpants.
Kristy is a sorehead. They end up skiing down the slope at the same time, and Kristy delivers her douchebag line about making the other team cream or something.
By dinnertime, all the BSC, plus a few other friends, knew about Guy and me. I didn't mind. I was proud of it. Yeah. Can't see THAT one blowing up in your face.
Chapter 14
Blah blah blah, Jessi accepts Kristy and her love of rules because she overlooks everyone's faults...yadda yadda accepting people who are different...talent show competition tryouts....a pretty boring chapter.
Then we get to the DerRAMA when MA failed to put anything together for the kids to perform, and they clash about that. The best part about this is that MA is so nonchalent about slacking off on...well...being a good person in general the entire week. She's livin' the dream!
Then Pinkeye Pinky and Jessi go at it over an idea for their skit. I was really surprised Jessi didn't just pull out the race card right then and there and smack the 4th grader over the head with it.
Pinky was going to have to accept that black or not, I was in charge.
"She is so prejudiced" I said to Mal later
But for once, Mal didn't agree with me (OMG) "I really don't think that is the problem this time" she told me.
But I knew better.
Next time: Jessi doesn't know better! Could she be wrong, for once?
Mandatory vacations and illogical bus accidents. Also a pubescent French guy.
This may not be particularly "snarky" (although someone called me that today after I made a smart assed comment before one of my classes) I think I need a nap. Sorry if its not the funniest as all get out.
Chapter 9
Oh Mallory...you and your silly little dog face. I mean your signiture >_> yeah...
Chapter 9 starts off with this little fantastic gem Here is the thing about dances: I hate them. I can just imagine Mal being the type of girl who really enjoys loosening up once she discovers the joys of alcohol. Enjoy college! Apparently, theres a Game of Boys. This is probably why Mallory fails at social life, she spends too much time playing Gameboy. Back to the dance dilema: she basically passes out from the bad news that a DANCE will be held, and thinks of ways to get out of it. Heres an idea: Just don't be in the same room as the dance. It's a big place. I'm sure you'll manage. It apparently bothers her so much that she doesn't even pay attention to Jessi's conversation about frost bitten toes. God help her if she actually HAD frostbite:
"Oh Lord....Mallory! Help! My foot is turning black(er)!" Jessi cried, frantically. Circulation was slowing down in her leg; this was serious! "I wonder if the dance will be mandatory...." Mallory mused, thinking aloud.
Kristy sits next to Ms. Halliday at breakfast. They're total BFFs, which leads me to wonder: why isn't SHE in the BSC? After breakfast, Mallory decides to reveal her retarded awesome plan: She's going to work hard on her writing! "How does she do this?" You probably aren't asking yourself; so I'll tell you. She's going to spy on people like Harriet the Spy...except she's not going to get caught, and she's going to be such a keen observer that she'll only tell the truth. Truly Mal, your ingenuity astounds. She fills her journal with observations:
1) Pinky hates the world
2) Kids are resiliant; her mom should know since she's had 8 of them! (This makes me imagine some sort of backstory where Mrs. Pike was driving a bus with her family on board and she crashed it)
3) Mary Anne is getting ever creepier with her unhealthy obsession with Logan (filling it with pages of combined names...including Logan Spier, Mrs. L. Bruno, and "Logan, my love, my one and only")
4) There's a ghost at the Lodge, as taken from MA's notes. In order for Mal to get this much information, I have to imagine she's looking over MA's shoulder. Way to not be inconspicuous, champ.
5) the Chef is sprinkling stuff from an unlabeled jar into the soup. Naturally, IT MUST BE POISON! AND NOW HE'S PICKING UP A HUGE KNIFE! THE COOK IS CRAZY! HE MAY BE TRYING TO KILL US ALL!
6)Nobody likes Pinky
7) Ms. Halliday has unrequited love for Kristy the Vice-Principal.
8) Stacey was seen kissing...a BOY
Boy was her journal ever juicy! The chapter closes with this gem: If my little brothers and sisters ever found this, they would read things that are far too mature for them. Obviously, the journal entries are a cover up for her 11 year old harlequin romance novels she's working on.
Chapter 10
Conveniently,even though Dawn apparently hates MA, she still writes her a little note to send off in her creepy book to Logan. AMM, ever the master of foreshadow, leads us into the first competition of the Winter War. Dawn is on the blue team (Kristy's team, unfortunately) and ends up falling on her ass in the ice skating 50 yard dash. Kristy the douchebag then "thumps" (I say punched) her on the back and tells her not to worry, no doubt everwhile planning the demise of the Failure. The chapter continues with Dawn falling some more, dropping the baton, getting laughed at, getting snow thrown down the coat, and getting laughed at some more. Dawn sulks off into the Lodge, ashamed and humiliated. Tough shit, Dawn. Everyone elses' three years of Jr. High teasing is condensed into a half hour for you. I guess your only option now is ritualistic suicide. Fortunately, I've heard that Self Righteous Californians are biodegradable.
She tries to pour her heart out to MA, who has COMPLETELY lost touch with reality, and ends up getting yelled at because Dawn isn't sympathetic to her soul wrenching Logan withdrawls. It's got to be tough, to be 13 and missing the love of your life for ONE WHOLE WEEK. Typical MA, she's SUCH a clueless bitch!
Chapter 11
MA bothers old people, who won't talk about the ghost. She also imagines Logan on the beach, making out with a tropical island girl. Kinky. (You know, when I was in a long distance relationship, I had the same concerns. And rightly so, he ended up leaving me for her. But I'm sure you and Logan will be together FOREVER, because 8th grade luv is true luv.)
Showdown with Ms. Halliday. MA thinks old Halli hates her because she's bad at sports. She reveals that no, she didn't hate her, she just was pushing her to do her best. She also reveals that she misses her fiance, who she apparently has never been away from. Suck it up...its a WEEK.
Chapter 12
To get ready for this chapter, we have to put things into perspective. Okay. Reality < Friendship < BSCult < World Domination < Kristy better than everyone else ever. Kristy is in charge of the Winter War and is also a team captain. Yeah. Thats not a bad idea AT ALL. After regretting not benching the Failure (Dawn) from the ice skating competitions, she decides to share her love for sportsmanship with the kids and holds a snowman building contest. One kid built a snow martian, which is actually pretty cool, but got gyped and came in 2nd, losing to some kid's snowWOman, because Kristy is a feminazi.
Claudia judges the snow sculpture contest, and gets on Kristy's hit list after declaring someone on the other team the winners. I'm not even going to comment on Jessi and Mal's ballet slippers, which everybody but them couldn't even figure out what they hell they were supposed to be. Kristy can't let the loss go, and tortures Claudia on the ski slopes with such malicious taunts as "Our team is going to cream your team on Friday, Kishi!" What a douchebag.
Chapter 13
In Claudia's intri entree entry; she explains that she didn't choose Kristy's sculpture because it was too cute, and a good judge never picks cute. Claudia also found a way to misspell "mad". I'm fairly certain that at this point, she's trying to butcher the English language. It all makes sense...I bet Claudia invented "LOL"
She takes a ski lesson and meets a guy named Guy. ha. He's the ski instructor, and Claudia falls in love with him immediately. She pretty much ends up brownosing him so much that her beautiful almond eyes and shiny jet black hair end straight up his ass, which I imagine is quite the accomplishment when one is wearing snowpants.
Kristy is a sorehead. They end up skiing down the slope at the same time, and Kristy delivers her douchebag line about making the other team cream or something.
By dinnertime, all the BSC, plus a few other friends, knew about Guy and me. I didn't mind. I was proud of it. Yeah. Can't see THAT one blowing up in your face.
Chapter 14
Blah blah blah, Jessi accepts Kristy and her love of rules because she overlooks everyone's faults...yadda yadda accepting people who are different...talent show competition tryouts....a pretty boring chapter.
Then we get to the DerRAMA when MA failed to put anything together for the kids to perform, and they clash about that. The best part about this is that MA is so nonchalent about slacking off on...well...being a good person in general the entire week. She's livin' the dream!
Then Pinkeye Pinky and Jessi go at it over an idea for their skit. I was really surprised Jessi didn't just pull out the race card right then and there and smack the 4th grader over the head with it.
Pinky was going to have to accept that black or not, I was in charge.
"She is so prejudiced" I said to Mal later
But for once, Mal didn't agree with me (OMG) "I really don't think that is the problem this time" she told me.
But I knew better.
Next time: Jessi doesn't know better! Could she be wrong, for once?