Kids in Ms. Colman's Class #1 - Teacher's Pet
Hi, I'm glitterberrys! You may remember me from such snarks as Stacey and the Cheerleaders and Baby-Sitters Summer Vacation! (You may also know me as that one who started a couple other snarks and never finished them because she kept losing the books. I'm a regular Sharon; I can't deny it. Therefore, I'm snarking an ebook. Can't possibly lose that! Actually, I probably can, but these books are also about 30 pages long, so I'd have to lose it REALLY QUICKLY.)
There's no cover with the ebook, so I'll top the post off with the "class photo" at the front of the book.
This book is in honor of the birth of Miranda Jenson
Well, that's a bit of a dubious honor, isn't it? I guess Ann actually wrote this one, which explains quite a few things I thought were a little weird.
Chapter one opens with a montage of various children being roused and sent off to school.
Nancy is whining because she doesn't want to start second grade. I am trying and failing to remember my first day of second grade. But since it was at a school I had attended and liked for two years, I don't recall it being a big damn deal.
Oh, I see, Nancy is pissed because her "meanie-mo" best friend Martha had the nerve to move out of state over the summer. It seems a bit unfair to me to pin the blame on a seven-year-old, even when you're upset when you, in Nancy's words, have "no one special to start second grade with." Cue rampant lesbianism tag. Nancy is sure to remind us that she does have other friends, including another bff, everyone's least-favorite first grader, but no second grade best friend. Again, I don't remember being seven all that well, but I do know that I wasn't always with my bestie and it not being a huge issue.
Ricky Torres, meanwhile, has lost his new shoes.
Or is possibly faking it to get out of going back to school. But the threat of wearing the Oxfords his well-meaning grandfather sent to him gets him moving.
Sara Ford is new this year, and is nervous about starting a new school. Her big brother Marcus points out that she already visited the school and met Ms. Colman. Sara points out that Ms. Colman is obviously not going to be a massive bitch in front of the parents, so she won't know the true Ms. C until class is in session. I like Sara.
Natalie Springer is trying to get her shit together.
“Ready for school, honey?” called her mother.
Natalie looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was falling in her face. Her glasses were slipping down her nice. Her blouse was half untucked. One shoe was untied. And her socks were already falling down again. “Ready!” Natalie called back.
As always, it's a losing battle. But Natalie can't be bothered to give a fuck. She's not nervous as all, because as she points out, "I liked kindergarten. I liked first grade. I love Stoneybrook Academy. I think second grade is going to be fun. I bet Ms. Colman will be fun, too.” Natalie is a great kid. I really don't understand why everyone is always dumping on her. I think I really lucked out at a great elementary school, because I WAS a total Natalie - no sense of fashion, not at all popular, never really liking the "cool" things, uncoordinated, nerdy, really rather babyish - and while I was hardly the most liked kid in class, very few children actively gave me any sort of shit and I got along well with most of the kids, even if we weren't really friends. (Also in a weird coincidence, the one kid everyone looked down on in my grade was also named Natalie. We were friends until my parents stopped that - my parents thought she was a brat and that her mother was unbearable.)
Nancy still doesn't want to school. It turns out she's getting a ride with Karen. I wouldn't want to go either.
Chapter two: "Stoneybrook Academy"
Karen brags about how she already knows to read. Don't most kids going into first grade already know how to read? I was reading before I was two (I'm not especially smart, but my mom noticed that as a baby I was really interested in the letters on the shirts she wore and started teaching me what sounds they made. My mom is really very awesome.), and most of the kids in my preschool class could write their names. I KNOW all the kindergartners I went to school with could read and write at least somewhat fluently. Karen loves to boast about being smart, but she strikes me as a very average child. Although I suppose she's already being a bitch on a fifth grade level. That's kind of an accomplishment. Karen whines for her mother to hurry it up so she can get to school already. Lisa doesn't passive-aggressively slow down, but I would have.
Bobby Gianelli is taunting his little sister in the car to school, poking her and calling her a baby. Alicia pokes him back and Bobby whines that Alicia touched him. Ugh, he's one of those kids. I hate those kids. Tattletales are annoying enough, but don't dish out what you can't take. Mr. Gianelli asks if Alicia is bothering Bobby. She says no. Bobby seems pissed by this "lie" and then this:
Then he decided to have a fight with someone on the playground first thing that day. Maybe Ian Johnson. Or Chris Lamar.
This sequence was one of the things that made me think AMM wrote this book. First of all, vilify the kid who has the nerve to fight back against her tormenter and act like they're being the brat. Secondly, this. Now, maybe this IS how the thought process goes. But I find it extremely hard to believe that a seven-year-old has this kind of self-awareness, or would act so deliberately. "Hm, I'm pissed off right now, so I am going to beat the crap out of an unrelated person half an hour from now." I don't doubt that it would HAPPEN, but I DO doubt that a kid would think it out like that.
Token Omar Harris is walking his brother Ebon to school.
All by themselves. With no grown-ups. The 'Brook seems like a safe enough place but I would be terrified to let a first-grader and a second-grader walk to school themselves.
Back to Nancy and Karen. Yay. Karen the genius declares that Nancy needs a second-grade best friend, and nominates Hannie for the position. Nancy gives a noncommittal response and then flips her shit because she sees Bobby on the playground. Karen screams at him out the car window about not being such a dick. If I were Nancy, I would've given Karen a kick for basically painting a huge target on my back.
Chapter 3: Ms Colman
Karen and Nancy say a long, lingering good-bye outside of the first grade classroom.
As Nancy arrives at Ms. Colman's room, Bobby jumps out and yells "boo!" at her. Oh my god, y'all, we got ourselves a badass over here. For some reason, Nancy is terrified by this. Bobby moves on to pick on Sara, who tells him to "make like a bee and buzz off," then proceeds to ignore him. Nancy, take a lesson.
Then suddenly, clouds part, angels sing, and a dazzling white light bursts forth from the open doors.
Standing in the doorway behind Nancy was Ms. Colman. She was smiling. She was smiling even though Ian Johnson was pretending to brush his hair with an eraser. And even though Audrey Green was giving herself a tattoo with a red Magic Marker. And even though Hank Rubens was tickling Leslie Morris and had made Leslie fall on the floor.
Ms. Colman is starting to remind me of my fourth grade teacher. A very, very nice woman who had no idea what the fucking hell to do with children. As was customary at my school, they gave the new teacher who didn't know any better all the impossible asshole children and the slow learners. And me, the perfect little child ;) Kidding. I'm sure there was a reason they dumped me on her. Probably because I was a crybaby. I'm assuming it's not customary for teachers to be allowed to have a say in which kids they get in their classes, but it was at my elementary school. Anyway.
Ms. Colman arranges the students so that Nancy is sitting next to Hannie. This bodes well! Except Nancy is a glass half empty type person, who notes that the empty desk next to her should have belonged to Martha. Sigh. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer, mmkay?
The rest of the book is detailing kiddie mischief and putting things away in cubbies. Ms. Colman doesn't give a crap that kids are passing notes and whispering loudly. Instead, she gets ready for her first-ever Surprising Announcement.
Chapter four: The Pest
Oh, no, she's just calling roll. They really set it up like she was going to say something interesting.
“It is time for roll,” said Ms. Colman. “I will call out in alphabetical order by your last names. A name first, B names second, and so on. When I call your name, please raise your hand and say, ‘Here.’” Ms. Colman’s attendance book was open. She was holding a pencil. “Tammy Barkan,” she called.
“Here!” One of the twins raised her hand.
“Terri Barkan.”
“Here!” The other twin raised her hand.
“Nancy Dawes.”
“Here,” said Nancy softly.
Ms. Colman made a check in her book each time someone said, “Here.” She had made three checks so far.
This is some epic space-filling by Ann. Three names, three check marks. I THINK I'VE CRACKED THE CODE!
Is it weird that Tammy and Terri are in the same class? Both schools I went to made a point of separating siblings so they wouldn't just cling to each other and avoid making new friends, but my cousin's twins were in the same class for a couple of years, so maybe it's not as common a practice as I assumed? You would think with identical twins, at least, they'd separate them for the sake of keeping the teacher sane. Not sure what you'd do with identical triplets, though. God help any teacher who had Adam and Jordan in the same class.
Ms. Colman asks who brought pencils to school. Isn't that kind of standard practice, bringing your own school supplies? I mean, I get it if you can't afford it, but at a ritzy private school? Though I noticed that my friend's soon-to-be-fifth grader is supposed to bring everything identical to everyone else's and hand them in, then the teacher will redistribute them. I guess to prevent jealousy or something, but man, way to suck the only fun out of going back to school! Bitches best not be getting between me and my Lisa Frank.
I apologize for going off on so many tangents, but nothing is fucking happening.
Ms. Colman distributes workbooks. Ricky pokes Hannie with an eraser. My IQ drops 20 points. Nancy scans the room for potential besties. She assesses and rejects Leslie, since Leslie and Jannie are already best friends.
Natalie loses her pencil somehow. Bobby whispers to Chris that he's going to get him on the playground later. Ms. Colman fails to tell Bobby to shut up or he won't be seeing the playground that day. Hannie whispers to Sara that she likes her barrettes and starts telling her about her barrette collection (her best ones are a burger and fries. I sense a budding Claudia.) Nancy dismisses Hannie as a "chatterbox." Jesus, Nancy, you're best friends with Karen and you think Hannie talks too much?! At least Hannie uses her big mouth to be friendly instead of antagonizing people.
Ricky pokes Hannie again (Nancy thinks it's because he also thinks Hannie talks too much. Nancy's getting on my nerves), and Hannie tells him to quit it. Ms. Colman continues smiling blandly, than asks if she "may have their attention, please." NOW it's time for her first-ever Surprising Announcement.
Friday's show-and-share is going to be Pet Day! Everyone will be bringing in their pet.
How can this possibly go well? I'm picturing dogs leaving puddles everywhere, cats hissing and cowering in carriers, small animals chewing their way out of shoe boxes...wouldn't it make more sense to have two weeks of this, where everyone brings a pet each day? Accompanied by a parent who will immediately take the pet back home?
Oh, kid who don't have pets are invited to bring stuffed animals, which Hannie rejects as stupid.
At the end of the unit on pets, they will make a trip to the pet store to choose a class pet. My second grade class had gerbils. We started the year with two. We ended the year with eleven.
I can't find a KIMCC tag, so I'm not sure what to do about that. More chapters to follow.
There's no cover with the ebook, so I'll top the post off with the "class photo" at the front of the book.
This book is in honor of the birth of Miranda Jenson
Well, that's a bit of a dubious honor, isn't it? I guess Ann actually wrote this one, which explains quite a few things I thought were a little weird.
Chapter one opens with a montage of various children being roused and sent off to school.
Nancy is whining because she doesn't want to start second grade. I am trying and failing to remember my first day of second grade. But since it was at a school I had attended and liked for two years, I don't recall it being a big damn deal.
Oh, I see, Nancy is pissed because her "meanie-mo" best friend Martha had the nerve to move out of state over the summer. It seems a bit unfair to me to pin the blame on a seven-year-old, even when you're upset when you, in Nancy's words, have "no one special to start second grade with." Cue rampant lesbianism tag. Nancy is sure to remind us that she does have other friends, including another bff, everyone's least-favorite first grader, but no second grade best friend. Again, I don't remember being seven all that well, but I do know that I wasn't always with my bestie and it not being a huge issue.
Ricky Torres, meanwhile, has lost his new shoes.
Or is possibly faking it to get out of going back to school. But the threat of wearing the Oxfords his well-meaning grandfather sent to him gets him moving.
Sara Ford is new this year, and is nervous about starting a new school. Her big brother Marcus points out that she already visited the school and met Ms. Colman. Sara points out that Ms. Colman is obviously not going to be a massive bitch in front of the parents, so she won't know the true Ms. C until class is in session. I like Sara.
Natalie Springer is trying to get her shit together.
“Ready for school, honey?” called her mother.
Natalie looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was falling in her face. Her glasses were slipping down her nice. Her blouse was half untucked. One shoe was untied. And her socks were already falling down again. “Ready!” Natalie called back.
As always, it's a losing battle. But Natalie can't be bothered to give a fuck. She's not nervous as all, because as she points out, "I liked kindergarten. I liked first grade. I love Stoneybrook Academy. I think second grade is going to be fun. I bet Ms. Colman will be fun, too.” Natalie is a great kid. I really don't understand why everyone is always dumping on her. I think I really lucked out at a great elementary school, because I WAS a total Natalie - no sense of fashion, not at all popular, never really liking the "cool" things, uncoordinated, nerdy, really rather babyish - and while I was hardly the most liked kid in class, very few children actively gave me any sort of shit and I got along well with most of the kids, even if we weren't really friends. (Also in a weird coincidence, the one kid everyone looked down on in my grade was also named Natalie. We were friends until my parents stopped that - my parents thought she was a brat and that her mother was unbearable.)
Nancy still doesn't want to school. It turns out she's getting a ride with Karen. I wouldn't want to go either.
Chapter two: "Stoneybrook Academy"
Karen brags about how she already knows to read. Don't most kids going into first grade already know how to read? I was reading before I was two (I'm not especially smart, but my mom noticed that as a baby I was really interested in the letters on the shirts she wore and started teaching me what sounds they made. My mom is really very awesome.), and most of the kids in my preschool class could write their names. I KNOW all the kindergartners I went to school with could read and write at least somewhat fluently. Karen loves to boast about being smart, but she strikes me as a very average child. Although I suppose she's already being a bitch on a fifth grade level. That's kind of an accomplishment. Karen whines for her mother to hurry it up so she can get to school already. Lisa doesn't passive-aggressively slow down, but I would have.
Bobby Gianelli is taunting his little sister in the car to school, poking her and calling her a baby. Alicia pokes him back and Bobby whines that Alicia touched him. Ugh, he's one of those kids. I hate those kids. Tattletales are annoying enough, but don't dish out what you can't take. Mr. Gianelli asks if Alicia is bothering Bobby. She says no. Bobby seems pissed by this "lie" and then this:
Then he decided to have a fight with someone on the playground first thing that day. Maybe Ian Johnson. Or Chris Lamar.
This sequence was one of the things that made me think AMM wrote this book. First of all, vilify the kid who has the nerve to fight back against her tormenter and act like they're being the brat. Secondly, this. Now, maybe this IS how the thought process goes. But I find it extremely hard to believe that a seven-year-old has this kind of self-awareness, or would act so deliberately. "Hm, I'm pissed off right now, so I am going to beat the crap out of an unrelated person half an hour from now." I don't doubt that it would HAPPEN, but I DO doubt that a kid would think it out like that.
Token Omar Harris is walking his brother Ebon to school.
All by themselves. With no grown-ups. The 'Brook seems like a safe enough place but I would be terrified to let a first-grader and a second-grader walk to school themselves.
Back to Nancy and Karen. Yay. Karen the genius declares that Nancy needs a second-grade best friend, and nominates Hannie for the position. Nancy gives a noncommittal response and then flips her shit because she sees Bobby on the playground. Karen screams at him out the car window about not being such a dick. If I were Nancy, I would've given Karen a kick for basically painting a huge target on my back.
Chapter 3: Ms Colman
Karen and Nancy say a long, lingering good-bye outside of the first grade classroom.
As Nancy arrives at Ms. Colman's room, Bobby jumps out and yells "boo!" at her. Oh my god, y'all, we got ourselves a badass over here. For some reason, Nancy is terrified by this. Bobby moves on to pick on Sara, who tells him to "make like a bee and buzz off," then proceeds to ignore him. Nancy, take a lesson.
Then suddenly, clouds part, angels sing, and a dazzling white light bursts forth from the open doors.
Standing in the doorway behind Nancy was Ms. Colman. She was smiling. She was smiling even though Ian Johnson was pretending to brush his hair with an eraser. And even though Audrey Green was giving herself a tattoo with a red Magic Marker. And even though Hank Rubens was tickling Leslie Morris and had made Leslie fall on the floor.
Ms. Colman is starting to remind me of my fourth grade teacher. A very, very nice woman who had no idea what the fucking hell to do with children. As was customary at my school, they gave the new teacher who didn't know any better all the impossible asshole children and the slow learners. And me, the perfect little child ;) Kidding. I'm sure there was a reason they dumped me on her. Probably because I was a crybaby. I'm assuming it's not customary for teachers to be allowed to have a say in which kids they get in their classes, but it was at my elementary school. Anyway.
Ms. Colman arranges the students so that Nancy is sitting next to Hannie. This bodes well! Except Nancy is a glass half empty type person, who notes that the empty desk next to her should have belonged to Martha. Sigh. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer, mmkay?
The rest of the book is detailing kiddie mischief and putting things away in cubbies. Ms. Colman doesn't give a crap that kids are passing notes and whispering loudly. Instead, she gets ready for her first-ever Surprising Announcement.
Chapter four: The Pest
Oh, no, she's just calling roll. They really set it up like she was going to say something interesting.
“It is time for roll,” said Ms. Colman. “I will call out in alphabetical order by your last names. A name first, B names second, and so on. When I call your name, please raise your hand and say, ‘Here.’” Ms. Colman’s attendance book was open. She was holding a pencil. “Tammy Barkan,” she called.
“Here!” One of the twins raised her hand.
“Terri Barkan.”
“Here!” The other twin raised her hand.
“Nancy Dawes.”
“Here,” said Nancy softly.
Ms. Colman made a check in her book each time someone said, “Here.” She had made three checks so far.
This is some epic space-filling by Ann. Three names, three check marks. I THINK I'VE CRACKED THE CODE!
Is it weird that Tammy and Terri are in the same class? Both schools I went to made a point of separating siblings so they wouldn't just cling to each other and avoid making new friends, but my cousin's twins were in the same class for a couple of years, so maybe it's not as common a practice as I assumed? You would think with identical twins, at least, they'd separate them for the sake of keeping the teacher sane. Not sure what you'd do with identical triplets, though. God help any teacher who had Adam and Jordan in the same class.
Ms. Colman asks who brought pencils to school. Isn't that kind of standard practice, bringing your own school supplies? I mean, I get it if you can't afford it, but at a ritzy private school? Though I noticed that my friend's soon-to-be-fifth grader is supposed to bring everything identical to everyone else's and hand them in, then the teacher will redistribute them. I guess to prevent jealousy or something, but man, way to suck the only fun out of going back to school! Bitches best not be getting between me and my Lisa Frank.
I apologize for going off on so many tangents, but nothing is fucking happening.
Ms. Colman distributes workbooks. Ricky pokes Hannie with an eraser. My IQ drops 20 points. Nancy scans the room for potential besties. She assesses and rejects Leslie, since Leslie and Jannie are already best friends.
Natalie loses her pencil somehow. Bobby whispers to Chris that he's going to get him on the playground later. Ms. Colman fails to tell Bobby to shut up or he won't be seeing the playground that day. Hannie whispers to Sara that she likes her barrettes and starts telling her about her barrette collection (her best ones are a burger and fries. I sense a budding Claudia.) Nancy dismisses Hannie as a "chatterbox." Jesus, Nancy, you're best friends with Karen and you think Hannie talks too much?! At least Hannie uses her big mouth to be friendly instead of antagonizing people.
Ricky pokes Hannie again (Nancy thinks it's because he also thinks Hannie talks too much. Nancy's getting on my nerves), and Hannie tells him to quit it. Ms. Colman continues smiling blandly, than asks if she "may have their attention, please." NOW it's time for her first-ever Surprising Announcement.
Friday's show-and-share is going to be Pet Day! Everyone will be bringing in their pet.
How can this possibly go well? I'm picturing dogs leaving puddles everywhere, cats hissing and cowering in carriers, small animals chewing their way out of shoe boxes...wouldn't it make more sense to have two weeks of this, where everyone brings a pet each day? Accompanied by a parent who will immediately take the pet back home?
Oh, kid who don't have pets are invited to bring stuffed animals, which Hannie rejects as stupid.
At the end of the unit on pets, they will make a trip to the pet store to choose a class pet. My second grade class had gerbils. We started the year with two. We ended the year with eleven.
I can't find a KIMCC tag, so I'm not sure what to do about that. More chapters to follow.