Jessi's Babysitter Chapters 1-5
I have never snarked a Jessi book. I’ve snarked Mary Anne, Claudia, Kristy, Stacey, Dawn, and Mallory, but never Jessi. I never really thought much of Jessi. All I can say about her is that she’s black and likes to dance. That’s it. I feel like I know the least about her. So I’m snarking Jessi’s Babysitter.
Chapter 1
Madam Noelle is talking in her phonetically spelled accent. I can’t write phonetic accents. I prefer to just say that the person had a French accent and let the reader imagine it. I’d feel stupid typing out an accent because I’m sure I’d mess up somewhere. We should be able to deduce that Jessi is a dancer (I’m sorry, a doncer) because she and her class are doing the pozeetions. Shockingly enough, Jessi doesn’t say that she’s the best doncer in the class. But maybe doncers have lower standards than dancers. That could be why Jessi gets so many roles. That, or she’s being coddled by the school and will be in for a rude awakening when she goes to a more advance dance school and finds out she’s a little fish in an ocean.
Class lets out and Jessi waits for her mother. Her mother is running late. I’d be pretty annoyed, but I’d figure there was an emergency or traffic or a perfectly logical reason why my parent is late. When my dad was late picking me up from high school I’d just read the book I had in my backpack. I still do that in college, but now I debate whether or not I have time to run to the Starbucks on campus and buy a coffee.
Jessi’s father pulls up instead, which is unusual because her lessons end before he gets off work. My mom works until five so I’d be shocked if she was picking me up from one of my afternoon classes. Jessi wants to know if something happened. She mentions Becca and Squirt, explaining that they are her younger siblings. Did you know that Squirt isn’t the kid’s real name? He’s named after his father, but he was a puny baby, so everyone called him Squirt. The name stuck, even though Squirt is normal sized now.
My grandfather, aunt, and uncle are only known by their nicknames as well. I’d read a dirty joke about Squirt’s nickname and all I can think about is the g-spot and girls squirting.
Jessi’s father assures her that everything is fine and he just decided to take leave work early. I love it when my mom’s home from work early or on vacation. It’s nice to come home from school and have her in the house. There’s a box in the car. A chocolate aroma is coming from it. Jessi asks what’s going on and her father says there’s something to celebrate.
My first reaction would be, “So you guys are celebrating something that I did or this has something to do with me. Did you decide I have a cat? Is there a cat at home waiting for me?” I’d love it if this could happen. I’ve dreamed of it, but no luck. Jessi guesses that her father got a raise or a promotion, but he says no. Then she guesses that they’re moving back to New Jersey. Unless New Jersey was freaking awesome and Stonebrook sucked, I don’t really see why you would celebrate that. I know it’s been mentioned that Jessi’s family had a hard time when they first moved to Stoneybrook, but I never found any indication of that. I can see a situation like this happening on the episode of the Powerpuff girls where they moved to a new town and they hated it and so did the Professor. They were all too happy to go back to Townsville.
Jessi isn’t that excited to be moving back to New Jersey. She had a lot of friends and family there, and it had a more diverse population than Stoneybrook. My family moved to Florida because my mom thought it would be more racially diverse than South Carolina. She’s adjusted well to Stoneybrook, though. She doesn’t want to leave memories behind. How do you leave memories behind? Don’t they stay with you unless you start to lose your memory? Just because you leave the place where the memory occurred doesn’t mean that you don’t have the memory anymore. I still remember walking around the pond and feeding ducks in South Carolina. The ducks were much cuter, too. The ducks in Florida always look like they’re about to fuck you up. I guess you might not be as affected by the memories if you moved some place else.
Now Jessi guesses that her parents are having another baby, which promptly causes her to squee. Her father says there’s no baby, but Jessi thinks he’s lying. Not everyone thinks babies are great. I’m okay with babies, but I don’t get overly excited about them. They arrive home and Jessi tells Becca. They spend the rest of the time before dinner fantasizing about their new little brother and debating whether or not to call Kristy and tell her they’ll have a new child to mold.
It turns out that there is no baby, but Jessi’s mother got a new job. This means that the dreaded Aunt Cecelia will have to move in. Aunt Cecelia is the older sister, but she smells funny. I don’t know what that has to do with her being the older sibling. Are older siblings inclined to smell worse than the younger ones? I don’t smell too bad. What difference does it make if she smells funny? Sure, it might be annoying if you have to hug her, or if the perfume is really overpowering, but if she’s such a pain in the ass, wouldn’t you be avoiding her? And wouldn’t people be smelling bad during Jessi’s dance class?
I can kind of understand Jessi disliking Aunt Cecelia for being bossy and mean because it does sound like something an eleven year old would say. Aunt Cecelia thinks that the parents don’t raise their children right. I might get my hackles up if someone said my mom wasn’t raising my brother and me right. Jessi mentions the sea incident. I don’t remember this at all when I read this book when I was younger. I wish I could, so I could remember what I thought about Aunt Cecelia thinking that the Ramseys were total idiots to leave Jessi in charge of Becca and Squirt overnight.
Jessi is insensitive when she says that Aunt Cecelia’s husband died recently and she couldn’t stay in their old house because of the memories. She wants a family to live with. Does Jessi care that her aunt is a grieving widow? No, she only cares that her aunt is bossy, strict, and mean. Show some empathy! No, all Jessi cares about is that she requires a babysitter, but she doesn’t need a babysitter because she is one. When did her parents say Aunt Cecelia was babysitting them? Both parents work, so it stands to reason that they would need someone to help around the house. Do you want to quit ballet and take care of the house full time, Jessi? Also, just because Aunt Cecelia is coming to live with you guys doesn’t mean she’s your babysitter. Yes, you guys will have to listen to her because she’s your aunt, but I don’t think she’s coming just to keep an eye on you. By that logic, you should be perfectly fine without your parents.
I never got why people suddenly matured at eleven in this universe. You don’t magically become mature when you reach a certain age. There are people who act like idiots in college and in the workplace. And hasn’t it occurred to Jessi that sometimes babysitters need help? Her best friend’s family needs two sitters to watch the kids. Aunt Cecelia really shouldn’t blame Jessi for Becca getting lost at sea. Her parents gave Becca permission, which showed remarkably shitty judgment.
Becca and Jessi go to Jessi’s room to whine about Aunt Cecelia, which does sound realistic enough for kids their age. Becca suggests that they try to talk to their parents about Aunt Cecelia, but forget having a rational discussion about this like adults. No, Becca and Jessi are going to play tricks on Aunt Cecelia. That’s right, instead of discussing this with their parents, they’re going to play pranks on a grieving widow to drive her away. This sounds like something an alpha bitch would do. Screw discussing your problems, whenever you have a problem with someone, you should play pranks on them. My mom should totally put shaving cream in her mean supervisor’s shoes the next time the supervisor yells at her, instead of ignoring it and venting to her friend later. I can see why you’re a shining example of maturity, Jessi.
Chapter 2
Jessi does what she always does in a shitty situation. Lie back and fantasize about the BSC? It is chapter two, after all. No, she’s going to call Mallory. Fair enough. Mallory isn’t home, so Jessi can’t whine about how her life is ruined because Aunt Cecelia is moving in and can she please just move in with the Pikes because it’s not like they’d notice an extra kid. They don’t notice Jessi is black half the time. Mallory is Jessi’s best friend because Jessi likes her family. It has nothing to do with Mallory or common interests at all. Jessi just goes to the Pikes so she can run around like a wild monkey. I can’t stand the Pikes’ parenting style. I mean, I’m no Richard Spier or anything, but when your ten-year-old can’t figure out how to clean up his spilled milk and you think that the perfectly reasonable rule of no swimming without a life guard is harsh, your parenting leaves something to be desired.
Jessi likes the Pikes because they’re very open. Wow, my mind just went to the gutter. She likes how there’s always something going on at the house. I couldn’t be part of that environment. Sooner or later I’d have to find time to myself. I just can’t handle loud environments and crowds for a long time.
Mentioning Mallory causes Jessi to explain about the BSC. Does this happen whenever one of these girls thinks of one of the members of the BSC? Say Jessi is sitting in class and she thinks that she wants to call Mallory later. Does she then have to think about every member of the BSC, then?
I don’t know why everyone thinks Kristy’s family is so unusual. Her father was a deadbeat who abandoned their family. Her mother remarried. The new husband had kids from his previous marriage, so Kristy has stepsiblings. Then they adopted a little girl. Granted, the millionaire angle is a tad unusual, but the rest isn’t. How hard is it to say that Kristy’s mom got divorced, remarried, and got stepkids? It really isn’t rocket science. Oh, and the grandmother moved in. No families ever have grandparents living with them.
I skim until I get to Stacey’s segment. She’s so unique and fabulous because she’s from New York. It isn’t as though there aren’t other people who live in that same city. I would love it if Stacey started bragging that she’s from New York, only to have someone else go, “So? What the hell is your point?”
Oh, I forget to mention that Jessi put a sign on her door saying KEEP OUT (please)
THIS MEANS YOU
PRIVACY NEEDED
(THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.
I’m quite sure no one would respect a sign like that. Mallory says she should just have the sign say, “Stay out or else.” I’m quite sure Mallory’s siblings will see the sign and just decide to stay out of her room. Since when do siblings ever respect “stay out” signs? And I know some parents would be like, “I paid for the house, so I have every right to come in here.”
Chapter 3
Not much to see here. Jessi explains the history of the BSC. She has to babysit Jackie. She whines some more about Aunt Cecelia moving in, and Kristy and Claudia tell her that having a relative move in won’t be so bad. Jessi is determined to hate Aunt Cecelia before she arrives. I do understand Jessi worrying about how things are going to change around the house. I’m used to my mom working now, but it was hard for me to adjust when she went back out to work. Jessi also wonders if she’ll have to check in with Aunt Cecelia when she goes somewhere. I think that the Ramseys should discuss the freedoms Becca and Jessi have, so as to avoid conflict and make this move an easy one.
Chapter 4
Well, Jessi is a little liar in this BSC entry. She says that she babysat the Walking Disaster. You know, if my babysitters made a big deal whenever I tripped or spilled something, I’d be a nervous wreck. Jessi mentions that Jackie decided to enter the science fair and whines about what she got herself into. Jessi, you are a liar.
Jessi goes to the house and Jackie slips and falls. Jessi is fondly exasperated because no one besides Jackie can ever slip and fall. Jackie’s mom calls out for Jessi and Jessi hopes that Mrs. Rodowsky doesn’t think she tripped. What a tragedy, slipping on the floor. Only clumsy losers ever slip and fall. Doncers certainly don’t trip and fall. They dance everywhere with perfect grace.
Jackie’s brothers leave and Jessi and Jackie are alone. Jessi asks Jessi what he wants to do and he says he doesn’t know. At that point I would have just tossed him the television remote and said, “Go nuts.” Jessi asks if he has homework and Jackie says he doesn’t, aside from deciding whether or not he wants to enter the science fair. I’d be like, “Sweet, no homework!” I would not enter science fairs if I had a choice. I hated carrying around those pain in the ass display boards and the other kids always had better displays than mine. I also have very little interest in science. I’d enter the literary fair, but do-it-yourself is not my strong suit.
Jackie doesn’t want to enter the contest because he has bad luck. He does think that it would be fun to build a volcano. Jessi says that Jackie should build a volcano for the science fair and he could totally beat out those losers who just bring in bugs in jars. Jackie is still hesitant, pointing out that science isn’t his strong suit and he has bad luck. Jessi scolds him and says he has to have confidence in himself. Why don’t you lot stop calling him the Walking Disaster and sighing every time he falls, and then talk to me about Jackie having self-confidence.
Jessi is hyped up on the idea of Jackie building a volcano and Jackie is still hesitant. Jessi, it sounds like Jessi didn’t want to do this project and you basically steamrolled him. You can shut up about Jackie deciding to build a volcano. How lovely- Jessi doesn’t give Jackie a chance to say no. She just drags him to the library. Why don’t these kids ever tell their parents, “I’m sick of the BSC forcing me to do all these stupid carnivals and projects. I don’t want them to babysit me?”
Mrs. Kishi is head librarian. She helps them find books for the project, including one about how to make your own exploding volcano. Jackie says he didn’t think they could find a book like this. I imagine him thinking, “Now I’ll actually have to do through with this stupid project.” Mrs. Kishi says they never know what they can find in the library. I imagine finding secret passages in the library and going off to different dimensions. On a more realistic level, I imagine finding a book I’ve wanted for a long time at the library.
Jackie looks at the book and says that this volcano sounds too complicated and that the Brady Bunch volcano was simpler. Jessi wants to outdo a television family because they have no right to be influencing one of their charges, so they’re going to do the more complicated version. Jackie is still trying to convince Jessi that he really doesn’t want to because he doesn’t understand the words, and Jessi ignores him. I don’t know why Jackie just doesn’t yell he doesn’t want to do the stupid project and storm out. I’m not advocating tantrums, but I think it’d be good for these girls if their charges rebelled against all the carnivals and pet shows and what have you.
Jessi learns all about volcanoes while Jackie just sits there, bored. I’d have gotten a book and read in the meantime. Jessi knows all about volcanoes, but Jackie knows nothing, but that’s okay. Jackie thinks he sees an out when he doesn’t have his library card, but Jessi has hers.
Mrs. Rodowsky approves of the project and asks Jessi to help him with it, ignoring Jackie’s frantic gestures. Jessi is all happy that she can lead Jackie to first place, because she needs validation as a sitter. God knows that whenever I babysat, my entire self-esteem was based on whether or not a kid I always bad mouthed behind his back won first place at the science fair.
You see why I called Jessi a liar? Jackie didn’t decide to enter the science fair and Jessi wasn’t persuaded to help him against her better judgment. Jackie casually spoke about how it would be fun to build a volcano but he had no real interest in entering the science fair. Jessi bullied him into it. Why doesn’t she just say that? These girls have no problems bullying the kids into doing what they want to do. It would be hilarious if Janine and Mallory teamed up and stole the club notebook. Then the parents could hear about the time the BSC encouraged Andrew to traumatize poor Jenny, how they always talk shit about Jenny and Jackie, and how they always force the kids to do what they want. So Jessi, you cannot whine about Jackie because this science fair project is entirely your fault.
Chapter 5
Dawn and Mallory sit for the Pikes. Margo is looking a little odd and Mallory worries that she’s going to puke. Even going through the Kid Kit is too much for Margo. I don’t know why she doesn’t just walk around with a bucket or paper bag attached to her neck. Margo tells Mallory that the science fair is coming, but she’s not sure if she wants to enter. Mallory tells Margo that she’ll help her if she does decide to enter, but she won’t do the project for her.
Margo agrees and wants to do a project on space. They need a library. Do they go to the library? No, they decide to make a library in the house because they have a lot of books. The Pike kids read a lot. Since when? I can see Vanessa and Mallory reading, but when have the other kids ever displayed any interest in reading? Claire is a brat who throws a tantrum at the drop of a hat, Margo is sick just from getting up from the couch, Byron is the sensitive triplet, Adam and Jordan have no discernable traits, and Nicky gets picked on by his older brothers. I love how they can’t just go to the library. No, they have to turn Margo’s need for books about space into a gigantic project. I should be grateful they aren’t going to the library and disturbing the other patrons. I see the entire Pike clan coming into the library I’d be like, “Hell no.” I know these kids would control themselves very well in the library and would disturb me. But I tend to dislike kids running around the library and making a gigantic set of noise.
Operation library is underway and the Pikes open the library. The neighborhood kids are interested. I would probably trade books with my bookworm friends. Mrs. Pike is pleased with the library, but mad that Buddy returns his book during dinner. I find this rather amusing because isn’t 5:30 to 6:00 the time when some families are preparing dinner?