#56 Keep Out, Claudia part one!
HiHi! I'm back to snarking my first love, Claudia, and I've finally gotten my hands on an e-copy of what I somehow remember as being my FAVORITE book in the whole canon!!!!!!!!!!!
Let's see how well this goes.
The E book has no ghostwriter acknowledgement, so it could be that AMM wrote this one herself... however I'm going to hazard a guess and say it was Lerangis based on the onomatopoeia.
Chapter one! Claud is sitting for the bloody Rodowskis. Jackie gazes at Claudia "under a fringe of red bangs." I do like how, in a book on how Japanese people are sometimes the victims of prejudice, the first paragraph involves a gratuitous reference to the hair color of her clients. And it's only a page later that she darkly mentions "three freckle-faced redheads," as if it were a disease. Shea is practicing "A-doggie-oh" on his piano, which Claudia is too dense to know is "Adagio." Apparently this particular Adagio goes "Plink plinkety plink plink blam."
"Bullfrogs!" shouts Shea whenever he messes up.
Claud confides that she's begun to really like Bach. "No kidding. His music is awesome, if you really listen to it." It's not that I disagree-- love me some Bach-- but I am wondering if this Claudia trait is ever mentioned again, and if it's perhaps an educational tidbit thrown in here so this could pass for wholesome children's literature.
Shea continues his Adagio as Jackie and Archie put together a Lego space ship. They mention how they'd love to be on a stage, playing an instrument and making people laugh. Then Archie shouts "Cowabunga!" as Bo the dog slips on a dropped lego and knocks over the table.
Poor Jackie is so traumatized by how the sitters treat him that he asks if that was his fault.
Claudia says "not really," because Heaven forbid he should go without any blame.
Truthfully, guys, Claudia hasn't given show business much thought. And then we get the boilerplate... Claudia Lynn Kishi, perpetually thirteen, bad speller, there ought not to be a 'p' in 'psychiatrist.' Claudia actually considers for a moment that getting glasses and "frumpy, dowdy clothes" like Janine might make her intelligent, but she doesn't care; she doesn't want to sound conceited, but fashion is very important to her. She spends most of her money on art and clothing, while Kristy and Jessi hoard theirs like little squirrels. And so forth.
The editing at Scholastic never ceases to astound me... in the next paragraph, Claudia says she and Archie cleaned up the space station. Less than a page later, she's telling Jackie that she and Shea did, and then after one line we hear Shea plinking his adagio (work that into a sentence sometime, won't you?) and Claudia tells him his practice time is up. Or perhaps this is another BSC effort to screw up the Rodowsky boys for life, by making them forget their own names?
Next, they're back to talking about performance; Jackie just wants to be able to play something, and Archie wants to be a star.
Mrs. R gets back to her poor freckle-faced redheads at 4:45, leaving Claudia enough time to bike home and rescue Janine. Janine has locked herself out of the house, and Mom and Dad don't get back for some time! She could have really been stuck. Then Claudia asks Janine to come keep her company until her friends arrive, at which time I suppose Janine has to hide shamefully in her room until they leave... at which time Claudia will criticize her for sitting there staring at the computer instead of getting a social life. "Janine may be dowdy, and she may be a genius who makes me look dumb next to her, but she is still my sister, and I love her." Gee, that's sweet. I do like how in a book about how racism is wrong, we have to sit through blatant prejudice not only against NEUTRAL traits like red hair, but also POSITIVE traits like intelligence and not dressing like a head-on collision between a thrift store and an acid trip.
Janine seems genuinely interested in Claudia's ceramic mobiles, which are only slightly less elaborate than her earrings. Then Stacey comes banging through the door, and it's all over.
Chapter two! Sure enough, at five-thirty Janine is at her computer and the sitters have arrived. I wish I could just go be in Janine's room for the next chapter, because there is NOTHING of interest here... I find myself wondering about the exact dimensions of a kid-kit. I mean, to contain all the old toys and such, it would have to be massive, but I always pictured the girls carrying a cardboard case the size of a lunch box. Do they stumble up to people's houses carrying a giant shipping carton? With all the ridiculous amounts of money they spend in every book, did no one ever think to just buy seven suitcases and decorate them?
The only other interesting thing in the descriptions is that Kristy likes "baggy socks," which I cannot picture, and she will only wear makeup when "forced." I would break into my usual diatribe about force always being wrong, but then again I hate Kristy so I guess it's okay.
Stacey collects the dues saying "thank you, thank you, thank you." Claudia announces that she's got a Great Idea.. the club should arrange a musical performance that all the charges can participate in together!!
Kristy glumly points out that none of them is particularly musical. Speak for yourself, Kristy-- Claud likes Bach. Mal insists that lack of musical talent doesn't matter in directing a musical performance. Mary Anne reminds them that the Perkins girls and Shea and Marylin are musical, and the rest can just play musical instruments that require no talent, like the tambourine and drums made of oatmeal cartons. Riiiiight. Two things: 1) I dare anyone on the comm to tell a professional percussionist that drums and tambourines don't actually require musical ability. Don't come running to me to get the drumstick out of your ass. 2) So, this musical performance is going to be Shea plinking on his piano; Marylin blamming on her piano (and I can't wait to read how they get two pianos in the same venue); the Perkins girls doing whatever it is they do (I'm picturing Myrah on the pipe organ, Gabbie on French Horn and Laura on cello, myself); and a whole gaggle of children with no musical ability wailing away on cardboard oatmeal cartons; and the whole will be directed by the BSC, who have no musical background either. Earplugs and barf bags will be provided with your program for no extra charge.
Ring ring! It's time for a new client! The Lowells have three children and have heard the BSC is reliable.
"Our reputation is spreading," says Kristy approvingly. I like to picture her stroking a white cat as she does.
Mary Anne takes the job. Peace out.
Chapter Three! MA gives the rundown of her sitting job with the lovely, lovely Lowells. Frau Lowell gives MA the once-over, which MA doesn't like, and starts asking her questions. I'm expecting questions to rule out that brown-haired Mary Anne is Jewish; unfortunately, all she wants to know is how old MA is and how long she's been sitting. I like how this is considered a bad sign instead of a perfectly reasonable thing for a mother to ask. Then she calls in her brood, who stand staring at Mary Anne. They're blonde and blue-eyed and dressed like Jenny Prezzioso, except for the little boy, Mackie, who's wearing dress pants. Caitlin and Mackie are both wearing blazers. Frau Lowell says "thank you, children," and they leave. Then Frau Lowell leaves, explaining she'll only be gone for an hour and a half.
The Lowells crowd around Mary Anne and ask about her family-- they want to know what color her cat is, first of all. I don't know of any racists who also hate certain breeds of cat, but what do I know?
MA segues into describing the BSC. The children are concerned when the hear about the size of Mallory's family... is she Catholic? This bothered me when I was a kid... I wondered why Mal wasn't a Catholic... I mean, they have a Token Black One, a Token Chronically Ill One, a Token Asian One, a Token Lesbian and so on. It seems like they should also have a Token Devout One of any kind. Made me feel kind of left out, as a Catholic myself. Of course now I'm grateful AMM didn't go the extra offensive mile and say that the redheaded impoverished neglectful neverending baby factory that enslaved their oldest daughter and crushed her dreams were Catholic. I'm especially grateful because Anne would have used a fakey televised version of the 1950s as her reference point, and given us a Mal introduction like this: "Mallory isn't exactly like the rest of us... she can't eat meat on Fridays, and she wears a silly-looking lace doily on her head all the time. The rest of us will grow up to have sex with the husbands of our choice, but Mallory's mother is going to put her in a convent where she'll be beaten twice a day. Also, her middle name is Mary. This is because Mallory is a Catholic. Catholicism is a religion which is gross, but Mallory's a real survivor and she doesn't even seem to mind anymore. And her religion doesn't matter to anone in the BSC anymore than Mal's blackness."
MA eventually gets the children to stop asking questions and to play some games. Then, when they get tired, they go inside to watch Leave It To Beaver, but "no one could find Leave It To Beaver, no matter how often Caitlin switched channels." That's because this is 1992, you weirdo children.
MA goes away to find paper so Caitlin can draw. When she returns, the other children are laughing at some Asian kids on telelvision. "Look at their eyes!"
This goes right over MA's head, of course. Before she can figure out what they're laughing at, Frau Lowell comes home.
MA gets to Claudia's in time to climb into bed with Claud and Kristy... and talk. Claud's got a Great Idea, much to Kristy's chagrin. It's basically her idea from the last chapter: the kids will form a band.
"There's nothing like a new project," says Kristy, stroking that white cat again.
Chapter Four! Snore, it's a sitting chapter. Claud is sitting for Jamie and Lucy. Jamie wants to play Teeny Mutant Stinky Turtles. AMM needs to go ahead and buy the rights to say the name of that show, already. Claud pacifies him by inviting the Perkins girls over to play-- because there's nothing an antsy four-year-old boy likes more than a troop of precocious girls, two of whom are younger than he is. Myriah takes all kinds of lessons including "acting." I used to be a Creative Dramatics teacher for kids Myriah's age, and trust me, there was no acting going on. But I'm sure Myriah has starred in last summer's production of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and Heaven knows what else by now. Then Stacey crashes the party with Charlotte and Carrot, because there's nothing a four-year-old boy likes more than an extremely neurotic child genius who is also a girl. Then Mary Anne brings over the two younger Hobart boys. I want to know how big the Newtons' yard is.
The sitters decide to coerce all the children to play in a band. It turns out that Charlotte has just started taking guitaur lessons, but was waiting until she "got good" to tell anyone. Matthew plays the violin. The Perkins girls want to be singers. Then Satan himself possesses the sitters and they decide to invite Becca and the bloody PIKE brats to join the band. They all come tramping over to Mrs. Newton's yard.
Mary Anne makes a list of others to call: Karen and Andrew, Nina Marshall, the Barretts, and the Braddocks. Yes, they're going to ask Matt to be in a band. He'll certainly suffer less than anyone else there. They're also going to invite Jenny P, the Papadakis girls, and the Lowells. MA says the Lowells will be good band members because "they're obedient." Claud agrees to invite them tomorrow when she sits.
Chapter five! Claud arrives at the Lowell Compound ten minutes early.
Frau Lowell does not look pleased with her.
Claudia can't get Frau Lowell to make eye contact. She assumes it's because she's got cashews between her teeth, but she can't feel anyway. Frau Lowell asks if Claud is paying attention. Mrs. Lowell is giving her emergency contact information; they're supposed to call a certain Mr. mso-ansi-language:X-NONE;mso-fareast-language:EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA">Selznick next door. Selznick sounds like one of those Poles to me, Frau Lowell. I'd watch out for him.
Claudia asks if Mr. S is an artist, and gets snapped at. She blushes. As she does, she looks down at her clothes: "my black leggings and high-topped sneakers, my fringed blue-jean vest and beaded Indian belt, my six silver rings and …" Clearly, Mrs. L must be objecting to her clothes! I also object to Claudia's clothes, but not for a Lowell-friendly reason; if I were a mom who'd just hired a babysitter, I'd ask what she meant by coming into my house parodying Native American culture so shamelessly. But I digress.
The children come in from school, proclaim "Who's that?" and giggle at her.
Mrs. Lowell looks as though she wants to leave, but doesn't dare... finally, she exits.
The children are rambunctious from the get-go, eating more than five Oreos each and running around until they wake the baby. I wonder how much Oreo paid for all the product placement in these books.
The children go and sit with the baby; then they demand another snack. Claud tries to use "reverse psychology" on them by telling them to eat more Oreos, and it falls flat.
Then Mary Anne calls, inviting the Lowells to band practice.
Claud would do anything to get out of the house; she takes the children to the Hobarts' yard, which must be enormous: "Soon we were milling around the Hobarts’ backyard along with Myriah and Gabbie, who had run over from next door; Jamie Newton; Mallory with Nicky, Margo, and Claire; Kristy with David Michael, Karen, and Andrew; Stacey with Charlotte; Dawn with the Rodowsky boys; and Mary Anne with Jenny Prezzioso. A few other neighborhood kids had arrived, too."
Jackie has settled on playing the kazoo, and Matt is going to beat a couple of tom-toms because "he can feel the beat."
Claud lets the children mill around until it's time to go home; then they whine about Oreos some more. Then, during a game of Memory, they "sneak" grapes even though it's almost dinner time.
I fail to see what's so bratty about any of this; it just seems like standard kid behavior to me. But Claudia can't wait for Frau Lowell to get home so she can flee.
That's it for now; more soon!